Author Archives: A Star on the Forehead

I texted Ex!

21 Monday Jan 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I texted Ex!
I know how it looks. And I actually don’t care how it looks, but how I feel.
One of the things I pride myself on is always giving a voice to my heart.  I like wearing my heart on my sleeve, I like being open and transparent.
Saying what I want, when I want unburdens and empowers me.
I don’t care what he thinks either. It is not about him! It never was! It is about me and my feelings and how I act and react to them!
I am taking myself and my heart back little by little, too slow for my liking, but somethings cannot be rushed. Each little step towards freedom is important and rewarding.
I texted him to express gratitude.
I was at Windham, NY skiing (or attempting to) and I was feeling overwhelmed with the freedom of the open space and the beauty of the mountain. I was also feeling good about my progress skiing.
Right then and there I felt an enormous sense of gratitude for the person that introduced me to skiing: Ex

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This is what I wrote:
“I want you to know that no matter how much hurt I still have in my heart I will be eternally grateful for the many things you have taught me including and especially skiing. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.”
I know that many may think I am opening a door for him to waltz back in, but that is not the case at all. I am opening a door to the healing of my heart.
I don’t expect a reply, that was no the point of sending the text.
He does reply in the form of an email the following day, saying I should be proud of being a Brazilian skier.
and that was it!

I have decided to look at my relationship with Ex, as a whole, with all its beauty during and not so beautiful ending. The relationship was not the ending alone, I cannot only think about how it ended and dwell on it.  I cannot also only think about the beautiful time and have this unreal view of it.
I don’t regret sending it the text the same way I don’t regret the relationship.  IN fact I would be willing to do it all over again!

I think that my reaching out to him is my way of making peace with my past.  I cannot hate Ex, that would be like hating my past, and I love my past.  I don’t want to be in the past, I want to be fully in the present and embrace the amazing future that awaits.  I want to continue to grow and become better and better. But my past is me, and I embrace it, love it and I am making peace with it!

It felt so freeing being the one that reached out instead of being in the receiving end! It made me feel in control.  I am making things happen and not waiting for them to happen to me and just react to it!

So, thank you Ex, for skiing and other things! Thank you for my lovely memories!

My 2013 so far:

15 Tuesday Jan 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Back pain.  Last week my lower back started hurting.  I am not sure what it caused, but I suspect it is the ball I am sitting on a couple of hours a day at work.   I thought it was going to improve my core, but it backfired, so until my back is 100% I have stopped using the ball.   Having to skip Zumba and Yoga made me unhappy.  I went to Pilates anyway – we mostly stretched and work around my back issues. This is a good reminder to be good to my body, cherish my health and strive to lead a balanced life.   

Kitchen flood.  One night last week I started my washer and all of a sudden I am standing in water and it doesn’t stop flowing even after I stop the machine.  My poor aching back became worst after mopping and wet vacuuming for 2 hours.   After 2 days the plumber finally found the source of the problem.  Now all I need is someone to fix this huge hole in my wall.  What is the lesson here?  I am not sure, but I am learning not to stress over things, especially material things.  A damaged wood floor and a hole in the wall are not the end of the world!

New Industry Regulations.  New regulations are threatening to make conducting my business very difficult, actually to the point of closing our doors.   These impossible requirements and looming deadlines are making me busier and more stressed than normal. I can only do my best –  if for some reason this door closes I am sure a bigger and better one will be opening up in the future.

Flat tire (a second one in the space of a couple of months – different tire).  (I am well aware that a flat tire is not a big deal, but since it was night time and my cell was running out of power it constituted an emergency for me).   Luckily, just last week I called and got full coverage for my car and it comes with road side assistance.  I am happy to report that Geico Roadside Assistance works!          What needs to be done, needs to be done right now! I had been postponing making the phone call to change my insurance for awhile, but I am so relieved that I finally did it last week.  I am glad I didn’t let procrastination get the best of me!

And here is the highlight:

I went skiing! Who cares about all of the above when one is going down a mountain trying not to fall, or should I say, trying to fall safely.

REI store was offering their first skiing class, so that is who I went with.  There was 10 of us in big bus. A wonderful group of people, most talked all the way there and back, I slept, which made the trip seem like 30 minutes instead of 2 and half hours.

I have been dying to get to a mountain, any mountain. It was fun, fun, fun! Okay so the conditions weren’t ideal, and Windham is no Whistler but it satisfied my thirst for the mountain and open air.

A co-worker said to me: This is the time in your life when you should be stopping skiing, not starting. I find that almost insulting.  What does age have to do with anything?

I love the challenge of the sport.   I am both in love with and terrified by skiing.  I love the idea of conquering my fear of gaining speed as I go down the mountain.  I know I will get better at it, and even if I don’t, I am enjoying the trying!

My new motto: If I am not falling I am not learning! If I am not falling/failing that means that I am playing it safe and not challenging myself. Therefore I am not improving/growing.  Here’s to constant growth and many falls on and off the mountain!!

 

Just thank you for the Awards!

09 Wednesday Jan 2013

Posted by in AWARDS

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This is a quick post to just say thank you to my fellow bloggers that have nominated me for awards.

I am not going to pretend I will follow the award’s rules because you and I know that that would be a lie!  In the past I have tried to keep track of who gave me which award and even that I cannot do it correctly 🙂

I do appreciate getting awards and it does bring a smile to my face every time I receive one!  So if I missing you in this list please remind me and I will update it.

Thank you to the following bloggers for thinking of me:

Blog of The Year Award

Donkey Whisperer
http://donkeywhispererfarm2010.wordpress.com/2012/11/25/blog-of-the-year-award-2012/

Dear Kitty

Blog of the Year 2012 award, thanks waji!

ClanMother

Stars Change the World

Clark Kent

Blog of the year award 2012!! Updated

Writersfield

Blog of the year 2012 award

I am for change

Blog of the year awards and nominations Thank you! Revised

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Very Inspiring Blog Award

Rebeccca Dawn
http://seriouslyrebecca.wordpress.com/2012/11/24/very-inspiring-blogger-award/

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Liebster Award

Echoing Images from the Soul 

http://echoingimagesfromthesoul.wordpress.com/

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One Lovely Blog Award

Writer Site

Grateful x 7+

 

Thank you 2012 for everything! For heartaches and lessons, for friends old and new, and above all, thank you for the hope in my heart!

01 Tuesday Jan 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Thank you!  Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you 2012 for everything that you have taught me!

Thank you Ex for letting me go when I wanted to hang on!

Thank you family and old friends for always being there for me!

Thank you new friends for making me believe in the beauty of new relationships.

Thank you work for the steady paycheck.

Thank you blog for giving me an outlet for my emotions and for introducing me to great people.

Thank you readers and fellow bloggers for reading my blog, for liking it, for commenting on it, for sending me heartfelt e-mails, for becoming my new friends!

It is impossible for me not to look back and reflect upon everything that has happened in 2012.  My life is completely different from what it was in 2011.  The only constant has been my job. I feel I have lost everything else.

Is my life better or worse?  It depends at which moment you ask me.  Life is composed of good and bad moments and I live each and all to the fullest.  The bottom line is my life is exactly as it is supposed to be.  2011 was certainly the most heartbreaking year of my life.  There were many challenges and I welcome challenges!

I feel I have accomplished and overcame a lot, specially emotionally.  I could have accomplished more, but at the same time I could have curled up in a ball and fallen into a deep depression.  I could have drowned my sorrows in pounds of chocolate and gained 30 pounds, I could have fallen for the wrong guy just because I feel lonely. Yet I have done none of those things.  And for that and more I am grateful.

I have found peace, comfort and joy in accepting what the Universe has thrown at me.  I accept and cherish the present moment.  I am happy and grateful for each breath.

The main idea in 2011 was to keep mind and body busy.  I keep active with Pilates, Yoga, Zumba, and volunteering ( I have been volunteering every Saturday and I am sore for days afterwards 🙂 ).  I try to keep my mind engaged with conversations with great friends, with movies, with puzzles, with new challenges.  Still I hate to exercise, eat too much sugar and watch too much TV.  I accept myself in all my glory and flaws. I just promise myself to try to be a little better today than  I was yesterday.

In 2013 I am renewing my efforts to work harder at learning French and learning mosaic ( I found a 1 day mosaic workshop to be held in February and already signed up for it and I am able to invite someone to dinner in French – great starts)

I look at 2013 with a peaceful heart and so much hope! I know in my heart that it will be an amazing year.  After all I am blessed with a Star on the Forehead (an invisible star)

In 2010 I had my fortune read by a monk sitting next to a temple in Thailand.  Is that an acceptable thing in Buddhism? I have been always curious about that.  But anyway, the point is, he told me that I was blessed (well no news there I knew that!! Lol), but he also told me that my life will only get better and better.  Each new day will be better than the one before! Did he know what he was talking about?  Did he have psychic abilities?  Who knows and who cares!  The important thing is that I believe it to be true, and the Universe believes what I believe.

The monk forgot to mention the hardships and growing pains along the way, but those are only details.

Today I can surely look back and say that my life is infinitely better and the most important thing is I feel I continue to move in the right direction and things can only get better.

So thank you reader and friend for being a part of my Universe, for making me question myself, for giving me support, for the kind words at the right time, for having inspiring, funny and informational blogs!

May your life get better and better and may 2013 be your year to shine!

ps.  How dare I feel sorry for myself even for a second? On my way from the train station I stopped by a Brazilian restaurant, while waiting for a pastry to be fried, I noticed a man paying for a tiny piece of meat and sitting and eating that. The man looked disheveled and I thought he could have been mentally ill, but I decided to approach him anyway.  I sat at his table and asked him if I could buy him lunch. He said yes.  I was relieved that he acted normal.

I had so many emotions when I left the restaurant.  I was happy with myself for lending a hand, but still the powerlessness consumes me. I feel guilty for having had moments today of feeling sorry for myself for not having a big New Year’s Eve planned. How dare I when some don’t know where their next meal is coming from?

I know I am meant to do more, to help more.  “To whom much is given, much is expected!” Luke 14:48

SMILE! Just smile

21 Friday Dec 2012

Posted by in Daily Life

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(Written Dec 14, 2012)

I am such a cry baby today.
I am crying over everything!
I am crying for me, I am crying for the world!

I have been crying over not being called to volunteer this week. I wonder why…

I have been crying over my inability to let a day go by without having some thought related to Ex.

I have been crying for a friend over his pain over his mother’s sudden passing. We haven’t seen each other in years and just have an email relationship, but at this moment I wish I could just hold him tight and say that all will be okay.

I am crying over today’s senseless tragedy (Sandy Hook shooting) How can someone be so evil as to decide to take people’s lives? Not to mention children’s lives!

Why? Why is the biggest question. Could it be prevented? that is another often asked question.  I guess anything can be prevented.  Are we trying to find someone to blame, other than the shooter himself?  I think we are trying to make sense of something so senseless.   It is impossible to make sense of this senseless tragedy, so I am not even going to try.

Just now I hear from my friend/date AL  that his best friend, who is just barely 30 years old was rushed to the hospital with stomach pains.  After an emergency surgery he was told he has stomach and lung cancer and things don’t look.  He has 2 little boys, a 2 and 4 year old! What can I tell AL that will make him feel better about his friend’s situation.

I feel powerless and at a loss.  I don’t know the right words to use.   I want to tell all the victims, relatives, friends, all,  to be strong and positive!  But how dare I? There is no experience in my life that even comes close to losing a loved one.  I haven’t been in their shoes! It is very easy for me to be positive!

I offer what I can:  prayers and positives thoughts.  I dare and say, be positive!  I mention God and faith.   I offer to help, and I say I am here for them.

Just so much sadness just around Christmas time when our biggest worry should be what gift to buy to someone.

I am just wishing everyone a better tomorrow! I am just wishing everyone hope for a better tomorrow!

All happens for a reason, even tragedies and miseries – I have to believe that! What is the alternative? To believe in a Godless world?  No, not me! I am going to continue to say that life is beautiful and that God is merciful!

I am choosing to believe that everyone that lost their lives in this tragedies had accomplished their mission here.  Somebody may be gone from this world, their physical presence no longer here, but their memories, their spirits, will always shine inside and upon those fortunate enough to have known them.  I am picturing all the kids as happy smiling angels!

I just hope that we can all, at this moment, decide to care a little more about each other, about our neighbors, about strangers that we cross paths with every day. Let’s dare be intrusive and ask someone if they are okay when we sense something is wrong. Let’s not waste a single chance to offer our friendship, a kind word or just a smile.

Sometimes I think just a warm friendly smile at the right moment can prevent a tragedy. I am that naive! I smile at strangers in the train, on the street, anywhere and I normally get a smile back, sometimes a shy one, sometimes a big one, but a smile is a smile and I will take it any way I can get.

I think that Charles Chaplin said it best, here in the voice of Nat King Cole

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it’s breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky
you’ll get by.

If you smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through
For you.

Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying.
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile-
If you just smile.

I didn’t volunteer, I saw the rockettes, I missed my station, I ate Irish Soda bread, I am in love with my ski boots, I am thinking of craigslist as a viable option, andI am looking forward to bread again!

18 Tuesday Dec 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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I am so exhausted today that I fell asleep in the train on the way home from work.  I missed my stop and woke up in another state.  I woke up in Stamford, CT, okay it is only 30/40 minutes from my home in NY, but still, at the end of a long day at work all I wanted to do was get home and not have to 40 minutes past my home, then have to wait 20 minutes for the next train back.

Luckily my co-worker had given me a loaf of Irish soda bread (which I am nuts for lately), so enjoyed my train ride back eating bread – I had to do something not to fall asleep again! Plus lately if I go more than 3 hours without eating I go nuts.  The bread he gave me looks exactly like the one in this picture.

I am a bit down that I was not called upon to volunteer on Saturday.  I had pretty much my heart set on volunteering every Saturday for the rest of my life.  I love the cleaning and gutting of the houses, I love manual labor.  I am not sure why I was not asked to go.  I had sent an e-mail and didn’t receive a reply.  Since the person in charge knows my intentions I felt weird contacting her again.  I hate being pushy about anything.  I know that not being a good worker is not reason they haven’t called, as a matter of fact, I was singled out as working too hard in a smelly storage shed.  Perhaps they thought I was a show off! 🙂 oh well, I am sending another email tomorrow asking about next Saturday. If I don’t hear anything I am looking for agencies to contact, or perhaps I am going to go out knocking on doors and offering help.

Sunday I went to The Radio City Christmas Show.  The man I met on E-harmony ( from this post http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/05/29/first-e-harmony-date/) came to his farm in upstate NY and stopped in NY City to take me out.  He knows we are just friends but I think that he is hoping that things will change.  I don’t see how.  I don’t see how can chemistry magically appear.  We do have a great time together, but I am not sure if continuing the friendship will only give him false hope.  And the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone.

The show was great, the Rockettes rocked!  I was seated in the same row as Jimmy Fallon.  Some people were going nuts because of him and asking for autographs, pictures, etc.  I am thinking: what is the big deal he is just a human being, it is not like he is Ben Afleck, in which case I would be going nuts!

My co-worker is on vacation so things are busier than usual for me. We are also having to deal with a lot of new regulations in our industry.  We under the wire, in danger of having our doors closed come 2013. Yep, a bit stressing!

But in all the stress, I am dreaming about a skiing vacation. To feel that I am close to going skiing I went ahead and bought myself skiing boots.  I am like a child, every now and then I open the box and look at them!

I was going to go somewhere close by in the Northeast, but I will have to rent a car, so it seems simpler to just jump on a plane.  Since I am going to Colorado in February, I am thinking either Utah or Canada in January, but there are so many choices. (suggestions on good (cheap) resorts for beginners are welcomed and appreciated 🙂 )

One of the problems with singlehood is when you see a great vacation deal and you are ready to buy and then you read the small print that says: double occupancy! I saw this great deal on this luxury hotel in Whistler, almost too good to be true,  I tried to book it and there it is, that double occupancy requirement to mess things up. 🙂

You know you are desperate when you consider putting an ad on craigslist for a travel companion. 😦

Got run, I want to get to bed earlier.  I don’t want a repeat of falling asleep on the train tomorrow… and the sooner I go to sleep, the sooner I can get up and have Irish soda bread with coffee.  I am so blessed and happy!!

Is the point of a holiday dinner to bring employees close together?

14 Friday Dec 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Food, Reviews

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We had our holiday dinner on Tuesday night.

It was a repeat of the previous years, which means great place, great food and drunken co-workers (and the boss) behaving badly.

We went to Pietro’s Restaurant in Manhattan, NY.  It is a first class Italian Restaurant.  Every single dish was amazing, and we pretty much had every single item on the menu. (our bill attests to that!!)

There were 14 of us, 12 male and 2 females.

Unfortunately, as it is always the case, the guys leave work at 3:30pm and head to a bar and start drinking.  By the time dinner time arrives they are already drunk.

It is sad that, after being in this male dominated industry for over 20 years, I have gotten used to this behavior.  I pretty much ignore it and leave the party/dinner when it gets too much or when management throw us out.

These are not happy drunks talking and singing too loud.  No, no, no, these are obnoxious, rude, crude, totally unaware of their surroundings kind of drunk.

There were complaints from some of the other tables, but the waiters never said anything to us.  My boss goes there all the time.  His bills are normally very high and he tips generously, so they were probably more patient than usual.

A very drunken co-worker got up before dinner was over and announced that he was going home, but not before he loudly told 2 co-workers that they didn’t know how to broker (that is our profession),  told another 3 that he didn’t like them and told a last one that he will eventually kick his behind (well, he said “ass” but since I am a lady I couldn’t repeat that).   The next morning he conveniently didn’t remember any of it!

I was happy to see him go and things calmed down a bit after that, but we were still too loud.

The sober ones left right after dessert while the drunken ones went bar hopping.  That is, after 2 of them got into a physical altercation outside the restaurant and had to be restrained by the others, not once but 3 times as they walked one block.  I was happy I was not there to witness that.  Fights scare me, and in this case I would have been terribly angry too.

I am happy to report that things at work have been peaceful.

I think next year I am putting my foot down: I will not attend dinner if they start drinking ahead of dinner time.

One bright note: I have a huge piece of chocolate cake and tiramisu in my fridge that I brought home from the restaurant.  Sugar always brightens my day and my mood!

I hate to sound judgmental but why do grown men, and women for that matter, have to drink until they are no longer in control of their actions?  I guess that is the control freak in me asking.  Is their lives so bad that they have to escape it?

That is one of the reasons I never got drunk and never smoked anything in my life, I am terrified of losing control!  Plus I am already high on life, and if you throw some dancing music in there then that is the icing on the cake! well throw in some cake and the room really starts to turn!!

So if the point of a holiday dinner is to bring employees close together my company is totally missing the point! Yelling, name calling, fighting should not be a part of it!  Why can we just be like other companies with some good old fashioned terrible dancing and/or making out with someone you shouldn’t?

 

Miss Mosaic Maker Wannabe!

07 Friday Dec 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Mosaic and other crafts

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I love mosaics! They make me happy! they make me smile!

The most wonderful case scenario would be to spend some time in Italy and learn the craft with an artisan. Until that happens I have been looking for mosaic classes.  As I have mentioned before I came up empty on my search.  NY has everything except Mosaic classes (at least I wasn’t able to find any,  and I am good at finding anything).

So I figure I will learn as I go along.  My first project was the house number at ex’s house.  It was done 2 years ago and it came out great.

So after more than 2 years I decided to try again.  So here I present to you my second attempt at mosaic work.

Mosaic frame

Let’s just say that the cracks on the grout were done by design and to give an aged appearance.

Mosaic frame landscape

As you can see I have a lot to learn, but it feels great to finish something I started.  I have a tendency to start a lot things at the same time and not see them to the end (the 4 books on my nightstand attest to that).

Do I think the frame came out great? no, not really, but I am very proud of it!  We have to start somewhere, and it will be nice to track my progress in my blog as I learn more.

My next project will be made of sea shells that I collected years ago in Florida.  So stay tuned! 🙂

Missing everything about you …

04 Tuesday Dec 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I wrote this months ago when, clearly,  I missed everything about Ex.

I don’t miss you, I miss the idea of you

I don’t miss your house, I miss playing house

I don’t miss our dinners together, I miss a table for two

I don’t miss the the tennis court, I miss a partner

I don’t miss your bed, I miss a warm body next to me at night

I don’t miss our time together, I miss the daily routine

I don’t miss your kisses, I miss a mouth touching mine

I don’t miss your voice, I miss being told the truth

I don’t miss your touch, I miss being touched

I don’t miss the vacations together, I miss escaping the day to day

I don’t miss you, I miss the fairy-tale, the infinite, the forever

I don’t miss anything about you, yet there is a hole so big and deep that sometimes threatens to swallow me

But in reflecting about this I realize there is one thing I miss. The one thing about you that is pure and honest:  I miss your dog! I miss those big black eyes begging me for a treat!

and this last image is just because it made me laugh:

Exhausted, but happy!

02 Sunday Dec 2012

Posted by in Daily Life

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Today I went to Breezy Point, Queens, NY with a group of volunteers. We cleaned out a basement and gutted and demolished 2 houses.

house, Breezy Point

It was eerie getting into Breezy Point.  All I saw was policemen, firemen, and other organizations.  The house and other properties seemed abandoned.

There were no kids playing, teenagers running around, people walking/jogging, nothing of the usual images that makes up what we think a small shore town should look like.

The houses we worked on were right on the water, the view and location was amazing, but it is hard to reconcile the beauty of the view with the destruction that I am witnessing.

I ask myself: Would I want to live this close to the water?  the answer is no!  I love and I am grateful for nature and the ocean, for the beauty of it and for all it affords us, but since the tsunami in 2004 my respect for nature is becoming a fear. 😦

Breezy Point

Unfortunately besides all the garbage and debris removed from the houses, at one of them we located the owner’s dead cat that we found behind the insulation.  I guess it tried desperately to escape the rising water and failed.

It has been a real long time since I have felt this physically exhausted.  Every muscle in my body hurts.  But it is good pain.

I enjoy manual labor, I enjoy cleaning.  I wish I could do it more often.

Besides the joy of the manual labor and the joy of helping families that desperately need help, I had the joy of bringing home this old wooden tennis racket (only a tennis lover could appreciate it!).   We had saved some of the contents of the houses that we were clearing out for the owners to confirm it was garbage.  The owner decided that she no longer wanted to keep her mother’s old tennis racket, so I happily brought it home!:)

I am looking forward to Pilates tomorrow because of the stretching that I get at the end of it.  I am also looking forward to volunteer again next Saturday!