Tag Archives: being grateful

At this very moment I choose to be happy – I will never have a chance to live this moment again!

02 Friday Feb 2024

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I AM STILL CLEANING OUT MY DRAFTS FOLDER.  FROM 260 DRAFTS, I AM DOWN TO THE LAST 60 – YIPPIE – PROGRESS!!!

THIS IS FROM A TIME I WAS STILL STRUGGLING AFTER THE BREAK UP. AROUND 2014. I WAS STRUGGLING THINKING OF ALL I HAD LOST, INSTEAD OF APPRECIATING ALL I HAD.

THIS IS ME, REMINDING MYSELF TO BE GRATEFUL!

We have a saying in Brazil that goes like this: “Eu era feliz e nao sabia!”. It means: I was happy and didn’t know it!

To me, it means that, oftentimes we are too busy thinking about what we want and don’t have, to notice all the great stuff we have.

We let amazing sunrises and sunsets go bye unnoticed and unappreciated. We let simple amazing moments go by.

We take things for granted, not realizing how great life really is at the moment.  We take jobs for granted, we take people for granted, until they are gone.

We want happiness, but in the search of happiness, we miss happy moments. In search of destination, we miss the journey.  In search of results, I miss the beauty of the process.

The key to happiness, or perhaps I will not even go that far, but the key to a good life is to enjoy fully whatever you are doing in this exact moment.

I want to make sure I enjoy single life and all its goodness instead of the ‘victim’ in me feeling bad that I didn’t have any kids and,  that is now the holidays and my family is thousands miles away and,  I don’t have anyone to snuggle with at night.

I am looking at the good side of singlehood! Living alone, watching what I want when I want, eating or not eating,

I can do what I choose, when I choose, with whom I choose.  I don’t have to make excuses for anybody else.

The lesson: appreciate what you have at this very moment, no matter what it is. It doesn’t last.

At this very moment someone is wishing they were safe, warm, had something to eat.  At this very moment I am crying over someone that doesn’t care. How pathetic of me!

I need to stop, and realize that this moment is unique and wonderful.  At this very moment I choose to be happy.  I am learning to stop, breath and appreciate.

Some days are easy. Some days it takes a conscious effort to remember to cherish the details, to cherish the simple. Some days it takes effort to be grateful.

Thanksgiving, today and always

24 Thursday Nov 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message

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“Take full account of what Excellencies you possess, and in gratitude remember how you would hanker after them, if you had them not.”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Thank you my reader and friend for your likes and comments. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience. Thank you for your time and energy!

Wishing you a wonderfully blessed thanksgiving.   May you have health and peace.  May your table be full and your home warm! May you continue to find more and more reasons to give thanks!

“I am grateful for what I am and have. My thanksgiving is perpetual. It is surprising how contented one can be with nothing definite – only a sense of existence. Well, anything for variety. I am ready to try this for the next ten thousand years, and exhaust it. How sweet to think of! my extremities well charred, and my intellectual part too, so that there is no danger of worm or rot for a long while. My breath is sweet to me. O how I laugh when I think of my vague indefinite riches. No run on my bank can drain it, for my wealth is not possession but enjoyment.” ― Henry David Thoreau

 

Always Grateful and Forever Hopeful

15 Friday May 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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I read the above quote and it really resonated with me and I wanted to share.

Past: I am grateful for all the lessons I learned.  Looking back it fills me with the feeling of accomplishment. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and there always things I would do differently, but I am ever so proud and grateful for everything in my past.

“The past beats inside me like a second heart.”― John Banville, The Sea

Future: I feel so blessed for having been gifted with vision.  I envision such an amazing future.  Each new day brings so much promise.  I could always see beyond the now, the today, and I see it with positivism and optimism.

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt

Above:  The strength I get from above sustains me.  It carries me when problems and stress weakens my legs. Knowing that I am never alone, and that no matter what I will always be okay is extremely powerful.  My faith is my weapon.

“Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into light.”
― Hellen Keller

Inner Being/Inner Peace: All answers, all solutions, peace, love and tranquility are all within myself.  There is no need to look elsewhere. The world can be chaos but I don’t have to let it affect me.  I can stop, breathe, get quiet and still enough to ground and center myself. Peace is within me, I am peace! 

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”― Albert Camus

 

Why Not You? Why Not Me?

16 Monday Mar 2020

Posted by in Daily Life

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In these very uncertain times it is easy to feel powerless and paralyzed by fear.  Today I am looking to the skies and asking for guidance and strength and most importantly I am saying a prayer of gratitude.

I am thankful for life. I am grateful because I perspire, bleed, cry and breathe faith and hope!  I am positive, optimistic and more hopeful than ever.

You have a choice.  Choose to be grateful.  Choose to be kind.  Choose to be human! Remember the less fortunate.  Remember the weaker. Remember the elderly.

Help and give thanks!

Thank you for coming here and gracing me with your always so supportive words.  You make me stronger.

***

I love the way Steve Maraboli thinks and writes.  He is a motivational speaker and author.  Today I came across this awesome passage.

“Why Not You?

Today, many will awaken with a fresh sense of inspiration. Why not you?

Today, many will open their eyes to the beauty that surrounds them. Why not you?

Today, many will choose to leave the ghost of yesterday behind and seize the immeasurable power of today. Why not you?

Today, many will break through the barriers of the past by looking at the blessings of the present. Why not you?

Today, for many the burden of self doubt and insecurity will be lifted by the security and confidence of empowerment. Why not you?

Today, many will rise above their believed limitations and make contact with their powerful innate strength. Why not you?

Today, many will choose to live in such a manner that they will be a positive role model for their children. Why not you?

Today, many will choose to free themselves from the personal imprisonment of their bad habits. Why not you?

Today, many will choose to live free of conditions and rules governing their own happiness. Why not you?

Today, many will find abundance in simplicity. Why not you?

Today, many will be confronted by difficult moral choices and they will choose to do what is right instead of what is beneficial. Why not you?

Today, many will decide to no longer sit back with a victim mentality, but to take charge of their lives and make positive changes. Why not you?

Today, many will take the action necessary to make a difference. Why not you?

Today, many will make the commitment to be a better mother, father, son, daughter, student, teacher, worker, boss, brother, sister, & so much more. Why not you?

Today is a new day!

Many will seize this day.

Many will live it to the fullest.

Why not you?”

― Steve Maraboli,  Life, the Truth, and Being Free

I am a beautiful grateful mess

13 Friday Apr 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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I am mess!  I am a beautiful blessed mess!  There is a difference.  There is a big difference.

I have so much to write about.  Unfortunately time has been escaping from me lately.  I leave for Brazil on Saturday and I am trying to leave it all perfect and organized.  I should know better.  Nothing is ever perfect and as organized as I would like.  I just need to be okay with “almost” almost perfect, almost organized.

I apologize in advance for the errors and for the length of this post.

First some dating updates:

The widower is still in the picture but barely. It is disappointing really how.   I wish I had the time to go into detail, and I will try to do it in the future.  For now I will just say that the cause of things cooling down was financial. He hinted that he had spent too much money on me for the first and second date.   That caused me to cancel the 3rd date.  He apologized, and asked for another chance, for another date to talk things through.  I said I would think about it.  We are still texting and he still a nice person.  I get it he was trying to impress me but I don’t need to know that he thinks he overspend.  Of course now he is trying to take it all back but the damage is done.   Perhaps when I return from my trip we will meet and talk things out.  He is still a nice guy, perhaps just a little rusty on the dating department.  We still text every day.

The data architect and I still text and we will be going on a date when I return.  He asked me out a few times, but I have been too busy to accept.  He has been very understanding of my lack of time.  Even if we don’t work romantically I think we can be great friends.

The litigation attorney calls every now and then.  He had to cancel date last week due to a family emergency out of town.  We may get together when I return but I am not so sure.  At this point we have been friendly but I don’t think that we have much of a connection, even for a friendship.

I have been texting  2 other guys: A real estate broker and an Union worker.  I will probably meet them when I return.  I look forward to meeting them.

Even though it may seem I talk to too many guys I find this exchange of ideas, energy and this world of possibility such a source of distraction and even a calm in the chaos that my life is sometimes.

***

I physically feel like a mess.  My body seems to be revolting against me.  It started with the issues with the teeth/gums and the chronic hives.  Then the dizziness and nausea.  Now my right eye is a bit swollen and red on the outer corner.  It is not really painful. At times I feel that something is off.   Then a rash that appeared on my thigh hasn’t gone away and a similar one has appeared on the both sides of my neck.

It seems I turned 52 and my body totally gave up.

What and what I am doing:

Gums/Teeth:  Yesterday I saw a new dentist.  When I got my records from my old dentist I was floored when I calculated how much I had spent on my teeth.  With this one dentist alone since 1999 I spent over $35,000.00.  Now add to that work done prior to 1999 and the work done in Brazil as every time I go to Brazil I get at least a cleaning.  I think it is safe to say I have spent around $50,000 on my teeth and none of it is cosmetic.

I have already a procedure scheduled for when I return from Brazil.  We will be trying to save one of the implants in lower back right side.  The tooth and gum on the front tooth unfortunately I have been told  that I need to wait to finish healing and I have to learn to live with it as there is not much that can be done at this point.

Chronic Hives: The allergist, the dermatologist and the internist all say they can’t find a reason/source and that I should just take an over the counter allergy pill every morning.  I haven’t done that yet.  I want to find the reason and not just pacify the symptoms.

The rash: I thought it was hives but this rash on my left hip is around for the past month. The skin doctor gave me a prescription for a cortisone cream and offered to do a biopsy if doesn’t get better.  I used the cream for a couple of days but half of the time I forget. Now I have a similar rash on my right hip and on both sides of my neck.  I have removed a chain with a cross that I always used and have stopped using lotions and perfume.

The dizziness and the nausea:  I have noticed that I am getting them when I am about to get my period.  This is a new thing but at least it seems to have a reason.  Menopause perhaps? oh the joys of being a woman and aging.

Red/swollen Eye:  I am not sure what it is, perhaps some kind of allergy.  I don’t have the energy and the time to go to a doctor now. When I get to Brazil if it doesn’t magically get better I will see a doctor there.

Thoracic Outlet Syndrome: I really have done nothing about that other than some cupping and acupuncture sessions.  I stopped some of the light weight training I was doing and doing pranks every night and it seemed to get better.  I know that it is not the answer.  I need to have a better solution that just stopping the exercise I was doing.

Hip pain:  I just learned to live with it.  One can get used to anything in live including pain.  I know the exercises I need to do from when I had physical therapy for it.  I just need to get my act together and do them consistently.

My natural doctor friend things that if I cut gluten out of my life and follow an anti-inflammation diet that a lot of what ails me physically will go away.

I did a saliva test from a kit that he gave to me and it showed that I am highly sensitive to gluten.  I was afraid that he was going to say that sugar was the devil in my life but he says that gluten is actually the worst villain.

I am also keeping a food and symptoms journal.  Writing down all I eat and how I feel should help me understand more what is happening to my body and perhaps the source of the itching.

I am also changing all detergent, lotions, etc to more natural hypo-allergenic options.  I am even considering removing the carpeting I have in my bedroom.

My friend also wants me to meditate, do more fun things, drink tea, etc.  I agree, I know stress has a lot to do with it all.  If it is not the cause, it certainty exacerbates it. I have been feeling under constant stress at work and at home.

***

Still, I am so insanely, immensely blessed.   The list of what ails me is long but it is so incredibly small when compared to the list of all my blessings.  I never lose sight of how blessed I am.  So much more to be thankful for that to cry about it.

This is a phase.  This is such a big chance to change my life around and focus on my health and all that is really important to me.

This is a reminder to be grateful and to say thanks.  So Thank you God and the Universe for all the light that shines on me. Thank you for giving me a chance to be better.

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Cultivating gratitude and dating update

24 Friday Nov 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Food

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“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday with your loved ones. It is always my prayer that everyone has shelter, food and loved ones around (family and/or family).

My gratitude list is immense and growing.  It is a blessing to be alive; everything else is the icing on the cake.  I have food, shelter and loved ones.  Speaking of loved ones, I am a bit disappointed to not be invited anywhere this Thanksgiving, but the truth is I would have probably declined the invitation anyway as I always choose to be alone on holidays.

To me is extremely important to constantly remind myself of all the blessings in my life and to constantly say thank you to everyone. Gratitude is happiness!

I have been having up and down moments due to many issues beyond my control. I know that it is not what happens to me, but how I handle it and react to it that matters.  I know I need to devote more time and energy to meditation and mindfulness, but I still struggle with that.  I see the benefits of it, but still I drag my feet at doing it.

“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorns have roses.” – Alphonse Karr   

Update on last post:

Dentist. On Monday morning at 7:30 am I was sitting at my dentist’s door waiting for him to arrive.  My teeth, and specially my gums,  just didn’t look and feel right.  I knew something was wrong even though he had assured me that all was fine.

After additional x-rays he still could not see anything really wrong. So he decided to open the gum and clean around the implant.  After many shots of anesthesia, he opened the gum in the area and cleaned around the implant.  I left with a bunch of stitches and instructions not to eat on that side for 2 weeks.

It has been 5 days now and still it doesn’t feel completely right.  I had dental surgeries before that were longer and more involved than this one and I remembered being fine in no time and not even taking pain pills after the first day.  This time it is taking longer to feel right.  The gum looks white and weird and I still feel this dull faint pain on that side of my face. Perhaps I am older and weaker to pain. Thankfully I have a return scheduled for Monday morning.  I hope he gives me good news, or at least pacify my fears.

Writer: He asked me out this week on Tuesday or Wednesday but because of my dental issues I had to decline. We have been communicating daily and we will probably meet next week. He seems thoughtful and interested so we all shall see where this will go.

The Korean: He finally replied to my text later that day saying that was having a grouchy Saturday.  Since then we have been texting on and off.  He apologized for being busy with his son being off from school.  I accept someone being busy with family priorities, but it just feels like something else has changed.  And as a result my original interest has waned.

“Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.” – Eckart Tolle

In the meantime some old ghosts from the past have returned.

The Naturopathic doctor.  We have been communicating on and off after having several dates over 2 years ago.  He has asked me out a couple of times since but I was always busy with something so I declined.  Two weeks ago I accepted a Sunday brunch invitation. It was fun catching up.  He is smart and our conversations are always enlightening. I don’t think there is any romance anymore but he has become a good friend.  Last Sunday he contacted me but I was at brunch with the guy I describing next so we scheduled a brunch date tomorrow.  Even though eating on one side of the mouth only is not fun I am still keeping the date.

The International lawyer.  I had a couple of dates with him over a year ago and due to busy schedule on both sides by the time we reconnected again he had a girlfriend.  Now that he broke up with the girlfriend he asked me out to catch up.  I am not proud and I need to eat so I accepted a brunch invitation last Sunday.  It was a lot fun as he is smart and fun. We have been texting and will probably get together again, but just as friends only for me.  I am not sure if he has romance in mind but to me that is gone.

At this moment the only one that I can perhaps see some romance down the line is the writer.

At the end of the day I am sitting here extremely grateful for everything in my life, the good and the bad.  All these dates, all these experiences, all these men, in the end helps me to get to know myself better.  It helps me realize what I need and want in my life.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read, and the care to comment.  Your advice is invaluable, your friendship treasured!

“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.” – Seneca

What to wear to the ballet?

30 Friday Sep 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestation of your own blessings.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

I am trying to get back to my routine after my brother’s visit is over.  It is fun having guests but it is hard on my eating habits and exercise routine as I tend to indulge on everything my guests do or don’t do.  After they leave it takes me awhile to get back to my normal.

As a result I have accumulated some extras pounds.  I am not a fan of diets.  I think losing weight is easy, maintaining it is the real hurdle.  Also I cannot deal with feeling deprived.  If I resolve not to eat an item, that is all I crave.

I need to return to better eating habits.  Whatever I want whenever I want is translating into excess weight.  Chocolates, bread, cookies, ice cream on a daily basis is hardly a good diet.

I cannot blame it all on guests being here for 2 weeks.  A lot of my eating habits have to do with the way I handle stress.  I run to sugar. I am a big emotional eater.  I am sad I eat, I am happy I eat!

Anyway, I am not going to spend too much time beating a dead horse.  I need to change and soon! Admitting I have a problem is the first step.  I have a problem!  But who am I kidding?  I have already admitted I have a problem a long time ago.  Now it is time for action!

Speaking of stress, it is never ending lately.  Actually problems and challenges are a necessary part of life.  I just need to get better at handling them. It is indeed not what happens to me but how I react to it.

“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.” -Amit Ray

Right now some of issues I am dealing with:

1. Broken car. My 29 year old car wouldn’t start. While I am at work now I have a tow truck coming to tow it to the mechanic. It feels weird letting that happen while I am not there. Remember I am a control freak.  I feel that I have a decision to make when it comes to this car.  It is a classic, but every time it needs repair it is extremely expensive since parts are not easily available.

2. Again there are issues with one of my rental apartments.  The problem now is with the cooling/heating system. There comes another repair bill.  Next year around July, when the contract with the tenant is over,  please remind me that I said I was going to sell that place.  Hit me if you have to!

3.  Meetings with immigration attorney to finalize my sister’s green card.  This process seems endless and the documentation required can be overwhelming.  There is also not so minor detail that finally after 32 years my identical twin sister and I will be dividing the same roof.   Even though we would die for each other,  if we are together for long we tend to become overcritical of each other.  That is how love is sometimes, you want the other person be the best that they can be and you think you know how that is achieved.

I do realize the blessing of problems and challenges.  They refine us, they provide us with the chance of becoming better people.  Some challenges makes us realize what is really important in life.  At the end of the day, what doesn’t kill us indeed make us stronger.

***

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”  -Donald Miller

Now I am resuming dating.  There is someone very interested, and that right there is the problem.  I realized that the worst thing that could happen is a guy showing me too much interest.  I feel like running away, and I immediately start looking for problems and for flaws in him.

What is my problem?  Fear of commitment?  Fear of getting hurt? Fear of settling for the wrong person?  Fear of hurting someone?

Or perhaps I just like the chase.  I like the challenge.   I don’t want to settle but at which point I manage my expectations and appreciate the great men I meet?

I do fear hurting him because I don’t know what I want and he seems so sure.  I figure I will give him complete honesty and that is the best I can do.  So I am being completely honest about my feelings.

I don’t want to give out too much information about him.  He is a classical musician, in his late fifties.  Everything about him seems great.  So why am I not that excited? Why am I so cautious?

“How much I missed, simply because I was afraid of missing it.”-Paulo Coelho

In the meantime I am exchanging emails with a much younger fake guy.  I know this guy is fake.  But like some fake guys in the past, I know they are fake and I keep going, playing along. Why am I investing time and energy into this losing proposition?  Perhaps I know the answer to that…they are safe to me, they require no commitment.

So that brings me to the question that is the title to this post, what should I wear to the ballet at Lincoln Center?  If I overdress it may scream of “first timer”, if I under-dress it may seem I am not appreciating the event and location.  I think the little black dress may be the right ticket here.

and lastly a word in defense of online dating.  Yes it can be a pain, with its share of losers and players, but so is real life.  One has to be safe and take precautions before meeting anyone, but at the end of the day I grateful for its availability, as I get to meet men from all walks of life that normally I would never bump to in my day to day.

“Not knowing when the dawn will come
I open every door.”  – Emily Dickinson

 

It is not all about me, and it is not all bad in the world

13 Wednesday Jul 2016

Posted by in Daily Life

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sunflower

“Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them.  Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.”  Rabindranath Tagore

My ego interferes. It is loud, obnoxious and ever so present. My self-esteem takes a nose dive, and it is all about me. There are times of uncertainty, fragility, powerlessness.  Still I know they are passing phases. They are just steps to get me through the next level.  Through the darkness I dare to see a glimmer of light, a glimmer of hope.

Too many things to do, deadlines to meet, bills to pay, calls to return. I feel like a rubber band being pulled in so many directions. Always stretching never breaking (thanks heaven for that!) I alternate between the elation of being alive and the dread of another day.

When it seems to be all about me and my issues I try to look outward and onward. That helps me realize it is not all about me. There are a whole world out there, going on, with real issues.  I just need to get out of myself sometimes.  This view makes me realize how infinitely small my issues are.  How they pale in comparison to others.  So I accept them for what they are: minor setbacks.

The news around the world and here at home get more depressing each day. How do I dare to smile when all around is destruction? And still I do! That is when it is most important to smile, to rejoice and be grateful.  When all is hard, when all is dark, when it seems this is a never ending dark tunnel I dare to smile and rejoice in the certainty of the light that will eventually come.

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” – Haruki Murakami

This is the best time to smile more,  to hope more, to live more, to do more for others. Do different, be different! I cannot do a lot to a lot people so I am trying to do as much I can to as many people I can.   That means giving more, being more charitable, but most often it may just mean not yelling at someone that did me wrong. Sometimes it means being quick to forgive and forget. Sometimes it is just listening without judgement. Sometimes it is just being present.

I joke with kids, pet dogs, offer to help people on the street.  I make people smile, I play compliments, I say more thank yous.  It is amazing all I get in return.  I am still quick to react, but even quicker to say sorry.

It is not that I am being oblivious and dismissive of the tragedies and destruction around me.  I am not being indifferent.  I am just choosing to channel my disappointment and sadness into a positive, sharing, love spreading energy.  I am not dwelling on all the bad and negative. Problems are unavoidable, but I am not giving it the power to control my emotions and my life, and most important, how I relate to others.

The point of life is to rise above all, to overcome obstacles, to learn from them and to dare to smile in the face of adversity. Dare to get up, to continue, to rebuild, to become even better.  Dare to smile through tears.  Dare to think of others first, and never forget about yourself. Dare to make your world better for you and others! Be daring!

“I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.” – Tagore

I have been writing a lot lately about problems but my life has been so much more.  My next post in a few days will give you a glimpse of the fun I have been having, specially last weekend when I got to be 25 again.  Stay tuned!

Painful memories can bring comfort and contentment!

20 Sunday Mar 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” – Lao Tzu

As I am laying in bed waiting for sleep to come, my mind went back to a sad time over 4 years ago.  It was the time when my Ex and I were breaking up.  (For the new readers: After thinking I was in a fairy-tale I found out my boyfriend was cheating.  When I confronted him, he asked me to move out).

No,  I am not still thinking of him.  He is history!  But tonight memories of that time came to mind. (I think it had to do with getting an email from him wishing me a good trip.  His mom must have told him I was going on a skiing trip.  I didn’t reply and felt indifferent about it).  I see this memory not as a memory of him, but a memory of me and my feelings at a certain time.

The memory is of one night as I had my head resting against his chest as we were both going to sleep.  Well, he was going to sleep… to me those nights were spent awake trying to come up with answers, trying to come up with solutions.  The memory is of my heart aching.  I was in pain and there was no painkiller that could stop it.  I felt as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest.  The knowledge,  but not the acceptance,  that the life as I knew it was over.

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” – Steve Maraboli

I have my head on the chest of the man that is causing me this immense pain and still I want to do anything I can to stay with him.  I wanted to know why he was doing what he was doing and how could I fix it.  At that moment in time contemplating a future without him was incomprehensible.  So instead of planning my solo future I was planning ways to get him back.  I am trying to ignore the inevitable.

I remember trying to talk to him, trying to convince him to work on the relationship.  I was doing all the talking.  He was resolved and that was the end of it.  I would have done anything to stay.  I begged and I pleaded.   I was still lying to myself hoping he would change his mind and give us a chance.  Instead every time I tried he made me feel smaller and smaller.

Looking back I realized how much easier it would have been if I had just surrendered to the truth of the situation.  Hindsight is indeed 20/20.

I, still after all these years, cannot find a reason on why he cheated.  I cannot find anything lacking.   But I finally found peace in the fact that I don’t need an answer for everything.  It is okay for some questions to remain answered.  Acceptance is freeing!

“Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” – Rumi

If I ever choose to speak to him again I would want to say just 2 words:  Thank you!

Thank you for having the insight, wisdom and vision to let me go.  Thank you for knowing what was best for me!  Thank you for being so cold and mean in the break up, you made easier to forget you.   Thank you for not giving in to my tears and for ignoring my begging.  In doing that you showed me I deserved more.

Now I see how our fairy-tale had an expiration date.  It was amazing and then it ended.  I am happy with the beautiful memories, amazing experiences, fun times.  I am happier with the bad memories.  I am grateful for all, including for the hurt you put me through in the end.

Above all I am grateful for the lessons.  There are so many, I am still leaning from it. I wouldn’t be the amazing person I am today were not for the pain you have caused.

“If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.”  – Pema Chodron

There is love in staying together and there is love in letting go.  We both said I love you in different ways. At one point he mentioned that his life was just too complicated and would become even more so, that he wouldn’t be able to be that man I wanted and deserved.  He was right!  His life has been a total mess the past few years and I am blessed not to be involved in that.

Now as I am about to drift to sleep alone in my awesome bed I realize how blessed I am.   I see the humor in realizing that I barely remember he existed when at one point I didn’t feel I could exist without him.  Thank you for the passage of time.

The memories no longer pain me.  They console me and they show me the wisdom of God.  It shows me that acceptance and trust in a Higher wiser power is what works for me.  Trust and acceptance gives me meaning and hope.

As for Ex I wish him well.  I wish him peace and clarity.  He seemed a miracle when he came into my life and he proved a miracle when he left.

“What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle.” – Rumi

In a Rumi kind of way… happy, grateful, blessed

23 Friday Oct 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”― Rumi

I am feeling so happy for no reason! Well, there is a reason. When I stop to really look at my life there are so many reasons to be happy. But I am happy because I am making a conscious decision to be happy! I always believed that happiness is a choice, I choose to be happy – it is that simple!

Well… no always that simple or easy. I sometimes have to remind myself to be happy. I sometimes have to force myself to be happy. I sometimes have to force a smile. When gloomy feelings and fears threaten to get a hold of him I need to tell myself: Be happy!

“These pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them.” ― Rumi

I have low moments as everyone else does, but where I differ is that I don’t allow myself to stay there for too long. I don’t allow myself to dwell on whatever I think is going wrong in my life. If I feel like crying I cry, I don’t hold back, but I make it quick. I don’t stay in that mood, feeling sorry for myself for too long. If I allow myself to stay in that dark place too long I may never get out. I cry, dry the tears then I move on.

• I come up with ideas and plans to correct and change whatever I think is wrong. Making plans for the future makes me feel accomplished.
• I make a list of everything I have going for me (a gratitude list). Getting reminded of all I have makes me feel blessed.
• I look for a lesson in the problems. There is always a lesson! Realizing the opportunity for growth makes me feel wise.
• I look for the blessing in the problems. There are blessings in disguise all around. Being able to find positive in the negative makes me feel powerful.

“Where there is ruin, there is hope for a treasure.” ― Rumi

Being happy when all is going fine is easy. Being happy when everything is falling apart and nothing is going my way it is not so easy. And that is when it is most necessary to rejoice, to get centered and not lose sight of the bigger picture. The big picture is that nothing lasts forever, good or bad.

The bad, the complicated, the not so great times are necessary so that we can appreciate the good times even more.

My doctor friend once said to me that God gives us difficult days as a gift for us to grow and develop into better people.  Who am I to be mad at God for giving me such a gift?

I have been trying to be grateful for everything and everyone as they have a reason to come into our lives.  I fail more times than I succeed,  but I keep trying.

Right now I have this weird grin on my face and this weird feeling in my heart. It is as if I know that something huge in my life is about to happen. I don’t know what it is and I don’t know when it will happen, but I know it will be magical.

“Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” ― Rumi

May your weekend be magical! Let your heart and soul sing a happy tune! Be grateful! Be love! Choose happiness!

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.” ― Rumi