“You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestation of your own blessings.” – Elizabeth Gilbert
I am trying to get back to my routine after my brother’s visit is over. It is fun having guests but it is hard on my eating habits and exercise routine as I tend to indulge on everything my guests do or don’t do. After they leave it takes me awhile to get back to my normal.
As a result I have accumulated some extras pounds. I am not a fan of diets. I think losing weight is easy, maintaining it is the real hurdle. Also I cannot deal with feeling deprived. If I resolve not to eat an item, that is all I crave.
I need to return to better eating habits. Whatever I want whenever I want is translating into excess weight. Chocolates, bread, cookies, ice cream on a daily basis is hardly a good diet.
I cannot blame it all on guests being here for 2 weeks. A lot of my eating habits have to do with the way I handle stress. I run to sugar. I am a big emotional eater. I am sad I eat, I am happy I eat!
Anyway, I am not going to spend too much time beating a dead horse. I need to change and soon! Admitting I have a problem is the first step. I have a problem! But who am I kidding? I have already admitted I have a problem a long time ago. Now it is time for action!
Speaking of stress, it is never ending lately. Actually problems and challenges are a necessary part of life. I just need to get better at handling them. It is indeed not what happens to me but how I react to it.
“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.” -Amit Ray
Right now some of issues I am dealing with:
1. Broken car. My 29 year old car wouldn’t start. While I am at work now I have a tow truck coming to tow it to the mechanic. It feels weird letting that happen while I am not there. Remember I am a control freak. I feel that I have a decision to make when it comes to this car. It is a classic, but every time it needs repair it is extremely expensive since parts are not easily available.
2. Again there are issues with one of my rental apartments. The problem now is with the cooling/heating system. There comes another repair bill. Next year around July, when the contract with the tenant is over, please remind me that I said I was going to sell that place. Hit me if you have to!
3. Meetings with immigration attorney to finalize my sister’s green card. This process seems endless and the documentation required can be overwhelming. There is also not so minor detail that finally after 32 years my identical twin sister and I will be dividing the same roof. Even though we would die for each other, if we are together for long we tend to become overcritical of each other. That is how love is sometimes, you want the other person be the best that they can be and you think you know how that is achieved.
I do realize the blessing of problems and challenges. They refine us, they provide us with the chance of becoming better people. Some challenges makes us realize what is really important in life. At the end of the day, what doesn’t kill us indeed make us stronger.
“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” -Donald Miller
Now I am resuming dating. There is someone very interested, and that right there is the problem. I realized that the worst thing that could happen is a guy showing me too much interest. I feel like running away, and I immediately start looking for problems and for flaws in him.
What is my problem? Fear of commitment? Fear of getting hurt? Fear of settling for the wrong person? Fear of hurting someone?
Or perhaps I just like the chase. I like the challenge. I don’t want to settle but at which point I manage my expectations and appreciate the great men I meet?
I do fear hurting him because I don’t know what I want and he seems so sure. I figure I will give him complete honesty and that is the best I can do. So I am being completely honest about my feelings.
I don’t want to give out too much information about him. He is a classical musician, in his late fifties. Everything about him seems great. So why am I not that excited? Why am I so cautious?
“How much I missed, simply because I was afraid of missing it.”-Paulo Coelho
In the meantime I am exchanging emails with a much younger fake guy. I know this guy is fake. But like some fake guys in the past, I know they are fake and I keep going, playing along. Why am I investing time and energy into this losing proposition? Perhaps I know the answer to that…they are safe to me, they require no commitment.
So that brings me to the question that is the title to this post, what should I wear to the ballet at Lincoln Center? If I overdress it may scream of “first timer”, if I under-dress it may seem I am not appreciating the event and location. I think the little black dress may be the right ticket here.
and lastly a word in defense of online dating. Yes it can be a pain, with its share of losers and players, but so is real life. One has to be safe and take precautions before meeting anyone, but at the end of the day I grateful for its availability, as I get to meet men from all walks of life that normally I would never bump to in my day to day.
“Not knowing when the dawn will come
I open every door.” – Emily Dickinson