Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

A million thanks to you- my reader, my teacher, my therapist, my friend!

31 Wednesday Dec 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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My Sky

I am feeling so blessed and so incredibly happy!  Life is indeed an adventure and I am so excited for every morning’s new breath and the chance to create the best day that I can.

I am thankful for the bursts of miracles throughout the day.  Miracles are everywhere if you just take a second to see them.  I am thankful for the many challenges I had in 2014.  I triumphed! As I am writing this I am facing 2 stressful situations, I am choosing to stare them in the face and say: bring it on!

On the rare instance I feel discouraged I think: With God, the Universe, the Light, my Guardian Angels, my mother’s prayers, etc, all on my side, what have I got to fear or worry about? At that moment I laugh to myself at the silliness of my worry.

I feel I have so much to say/to write but so short on time.  I just didn’t want 2014 to go by without expressing my gratitude to you.  I thank you for stopping by, for liking my posts, for commenting on them.  I thank you for agreeing with me and even more for disagreeing with me! You have provided me with feedback, insight, information, inspiration, advice and above all acceptance.

I thank you for the smiles, hugs and love! I am here to say that there is nothing virtual about them – they are felt!  They make me feel warm inside just like a cup of hot chocolate on a cold day. They make my heart sing a song of joy!

You make me want to be a better person! You keep me accountable!

I read this quote this morning and I think it will be perfect for me in 2015, so I am passing it along to you:

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.

So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.” ― Neil Gaiman

Wishing you all an amazing 2015!  May you realize that challenges are opportunities and that mistakes are necessary.  May you wake up every morning with a smile, even if you have to force it.  May you stare fear in the face and at the end of the day smile at the mirror realizing you are much stronger that you thought you were.

2015 is here, what are going to do with it? Life is short, moments are fleeting – live it up!

 

Gratitude is a powerful weapon!

25 Thursday Dec 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.”
― Marcus Tullius Cicero

I am feeling wonderfully happy and blessed!  It is Christmas, time for family, friends, gratitude, forgiveness and love!

I will spend Christmas alone again, but my heart is so full of gratitude that I feel encircled by love and warmth on this cold rainy evening.  Alone is just a fact and not a feeling! Everywhere I look I see a thank you!

I have so much to be thankful for this year.  My family members are all well and happy!  I don’t need to be next to them to be with them, they are engraved in my heart!  My father is still going strong after winning yet another tough health battle.  We now joke that he has nine lives. Well, actually, I say he has nine lives and my sister says he has 7 lives.  Apparently the world doesn’t agree on how many lives a cat has.  It seems cats in the US live longer than cats in Brazil!  Who knew?

I just remembered that I always say to my mother that she need not worry about me because I am just like a cat.  I may fall, but I always fall on my feet.  Not sure why I thought about that now…I guess I started thinking about the longevity of cats due perhaps because of their ability to withstand adversity.

Moving on,

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” That was supposedly said by Einstein and I agree with it completely.  Well, really, who am I to disagree with Einstein?

I choose to live life as if everything is a miracle. It makes everything better.  Sometimes it takes a little effort.  Things happen, life throws us curve balls. There are big tragedies such as illness, death, financial difficulties, etc. Then there are minor inconveniences such as a late train, you forgetting your umbrella on a rainy day,  somebody raising their voice to you for no reason.  Some days any little thing may have the potential to throw us into a well of self-pity, depression and despair.

Of course the key to everything is not to let people, events, and other things affect us negatively. That is not always possible! But still we have the power to turn negative thoughts and feelings around, and therefore changing our mood and our life.

I normally think I am not mindful of things but I have to say that when it comes to gratitude and appreciation for life I am very mindful. I will catch my mind drifting into ungratefulness and pity and immediately will start reminding myself of all the many ways I am blessed.  I will start enumerating blessings, things such as: 1. My parents are still alive. 2. I am loved by my family and by friends. 3. I have a comfortable and warm bed to sleep on. 4.  I have a great apartment.  5. I have a job that allows me to have a great life.  6.  I am healthy. But the time I get to 5 I am in full gratitude and positive mood.

The key is definitely in how we perceive things.  When you get up in the morning and you choose to be happy and grateful for everything, the Universe listens and returns to you what you are sending into the world. So, not only our actions, but our words and thoughts are very important!

“When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive—to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love—then make that day count!”
― Steve Maraboli

I love to smile on days such as today.  It is rainy, cold, my neighbor rudely closes the door on my face, the train is 15 minutes late, people around me are complaining, everything seems to contribute to make this day a bad one.  But instead, days such as this helps me to practice what I preach. A simple smile already sets my mind and body in the right direction.  I am totally aware of the moment and environment.  I am taking everything in, one thing at a time, digesting it and appreciating it.  The cold rain is a pure hit of energy, I feel alive!  The late train teaches me to be grateful for the job I have where I don’t have a schedule.  The people complaining around me helps me in the exercise of sympathy and understanding – I have no right to judge why they feel the way they do, but I can choose not to act like they do.  I try to turn any judgement I have into positive thoughts towards them. I try to give them a warm smile and sympathetic ear.

“God gave you a gift of 86 400 seconds today. Have you used one to say thank you ” ― William Arthur Ward

This Christmas I wish everyone more gratitude in their hearts.  There is always more room for gratitude. Lets remember to be thankful for everything around us, the big and the small, the good and the bad.  If we don’t appreciate the small things, we are not deserving of the big things! The bad helps us to be humble, to be understanding, to be simple, to be grateful and to fully appreciate the good when it comes.

This year when I handed the customary envelopes to all the people that provide services for me throughout the year, I made a point of spending an extra few minutes telling them how much I appreciate what they do for me. I cited specific instances where their help was much appreciated.  I don’t know how they felt, but I felt like a million dollars for voicing the feelings in my heart.

“Just an observation: it is impossible to be both grateful and depressed. Those with a grateful mindset tend to see the message in the mess. And even though life may knock them down, the grateful find reasons, if even small ones, to get up.” ― Steve Maraboli

How about stopping right now and saying a silent prayer of gratitude for everything in your life, or even making a quick mental list of 5 blessings in your life! Gratitude is mood enhancing and empowering! Try it, and then spread it around!

I will never have sex again!

16 Tuesday Dec 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Love can only be found through the act of loving.”
― Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

I can’t take this song out of my mind for the past few days.

No, I am not depressed, but sometimes I am concerned. Love seems to be eluding me.   I continue to meet some nice guys, but the chemistry is never there.  There are no sparks!

Currently I am dating a math professor, but I think I will not see him again.  I gave it 3 dates and I think that it was enough to see if there were any sparks.  He is a great guy, everything about him is good, except my heart is telling me he is not the one.  There are no fireworks or butterflies in my stomach.

He will be pretty disappointed when I tell him that there will be no romance in our future.  I have been honest with him since the first date, I have told him that I was confused and thought something was missing. He thinks I am amazing, smart and fun.  He is all that too, but that is not enough, or is it?

“My heart might be bruised, but it will recover and become capable of seeing beauty of life once more. It’s happened before, it will happen again, I’m sure. When someone leaves, it’s because someone else is about to arrive–I’ll find love again.” ― Paulo Coelho, The Zahir

I think I came really close to finding the One (or the one good enough to have sex with) twice in the past 3 years since the break up.  I have felt that excitement of a new relationship complete with fireworks, sparks, the whole kit and caboodle.  Unfortunately those 2 relationships never got off the ground.  Perhaps I imagined them because they both were improbable.

The first guy lived too far, like in across the map.  I was convinced that love would conquer all.  He remained unconvinced, no matter how many inventive ways I came up with to change his mind. Unfortunately the friendship I thought we had disappeared almost as fast as it came.  I still don’t understand it, but respect his choice.

The second guy lived close but was way too young.  He was mature beyond his years, but we both agreed that we were at different stages in life.  We rarely see each other but we have become great friends always keeping in touch and checking on each other via calls and text.

The professor and I in 3 dates managed to go to a Soul Food restaurant, to an awesome wine bar/bistro, to a sports bar.  We played billiards and ping pong.  He won in billiards and I was the victor in ping pong.  We also saw Interstellar on Imax. The movie was not really my cup of tea but the experience was awesome.

The search and the fun continues, as I do enjoy meeting new people and going on dates.  The only thing about not finding sparks and fireworks with anyone again is that at this rate I will never have sex again!  There I said it! 🙂

Sex without love? hummm, perhaps… Sex without sparks? Impossible!!

“Anyone who is observant, who discovers the person they have always dreamed of, knows that sexual energy comes into play before sex even takes place. The greatest pleasure isn’t sex, but the passion with which it is practiced. When the passion is intense, then sex joins in to complete the dance, but it is never the principal aim.” ― Paulo Coelho

“I’ll Never Fall In Love Again”

What do you get when you fall in love?
A guy with a pin to burst your bubble
That’s what you get for all your trouble
I’ll never fall in love again
I’ll never fall in love again
What do you get when you kiss a guy?
You get enough germs to catch pneumonia
After you do, he’ll never phone ya
I’ll never fall in love again
Don’t you know that I’ll never fall in love againDont’ tell me what’s it all about
‘Cause I’ve been there and I’m glad I’m out
Out of those chains, those chains that bind you
That is why I’m here to remind youWhat do you get when you fall in love?
You only get a life of pain and sorrow
So for at least until tomorrow
I’ll never fall in love again
No, no, I’ll never fall in love againI’m out of those chains, those chains that bind you
That is why I’m here to remind youWhat do you get when you fall in love?
You only get lies and pain and sorrow
So for at least until tomorrow
I’ll never fall in love again
Don’t you know that I’ll never fall in love again
I’ll never fall in love again

I am breaking up with a cake!

30 Sunday Nov 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me, Food

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Sticky Toffee Pudding Cake

“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.”
― Rick Warren

I made the Sticky Toffee Pudding Cake.  It was a success since it looked and tasted like Sticky toffee Pudding cake is supposed to taste.   It was gooey and delicious, but right after I ate it still felt it was not quite the taste I was looking for. It felt like something was missing. I felt empty and I felt nauseous.

Even when I was lying in bed before drifting off to sleep, I was feeling a bit troubled and disappointed in myself.  I was disappointed that after having someone buy and send me the cake mix and then taking the time to make it and have it come out correctly I was still not happy with it. I was troubled that I was making a big deal out of a cake.

In the darkness and quiet of that moment it dawned on me that I will never find a sticky toffee pudding cake I will be completely satisfied and happy with.  There will never be one as good as I remembered as I realize I have been searching for a feeling and not a taste!  The taste of the cake was right but the feeling was not.

Sticky toffee pudding cake is a cake that I discovered one day while shopping with Ex. I remember eating it at a time I felt I was in paradise. I was happy, well I am always happy, but I felt I was living my long awaited fairy-tale. Sitting on the couch with Ex while eating the warm cake was to me the definition of comfort, happiness and security.

After that realization I cannot even look at the cake I made again, let alone eat it.  I gave half to a friend and I will give the rest to my co-worker.

I am officially giving up my search for the perfect Sticky Toffee Pudding cake as I realized I will never find it.  I have been searching for the wrong thing.

“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.”
― Lyndon B. Johnson

I am annoyed that all of sudden Ex pops in my mind uninvited. All of a sudden I have to deal with feelings that I thought were long gone. All of a sudden I miss him or this idea of him.

I realize that the past is bound to return every now and then.  It doesn’t mean regression.  It means I get to see how far I have come and how those memories don’t affect me as much as before.  I am not attaching any special meaning to those few and far between memories.  I miss him for that one second and I readily and happily move on.

I don’t want Ex or the life I had with him back.  I still  think it was a wonderful time and I am glad for having had that moment in my life. But like everything in life it had an expiration date.

Nothing lasts forever, good or bad, and for that I am grateful!

This cake episode helps me realize that more often than not I am not physically hungry, but emotionally hungry.  I need to stop, or at least tone it down, my vision of food as happiness and comfort and see it more as fuel.

oh stupid me thinking that Sticky Toffee Pudding cake could ever be as good as chocolate and/or cake.

 “My past has not defined me, destroyed me, deterred me, or defeated me; it has only strengthened me.” ― Steve Maraboli

Please don’t feel sorry for me! Really, don’t!

26 Wednesday Nov 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“If you’re lonely when you’re alone, you’re in bad company.” ― Jean-Paul Sartre

The days near holidays are always depressing and somewhat annoying for me; but not for the reason you think!

Yes I miss my family but holidays don’t make me miss them any more or less.  I miss them period!

I find the days around holidays hard because of all the questions, actually not the questions, but the reactions to my answers to those questions.

The question are always the same: Where are you going, What are going to do on  _______ (fill in the holiday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother’s Day, etc)? My answer more often than not is: I will be home alone, or I will be going away alone.

Today, for example,  I was questioned by my dental hygienist, then by the dentist, by a couple of co-workers, by a fellow commuter and by my accountant. Their reactions to my reply were always the same: oh sorry!  They all had a look of pity on their face, exceptt for my accountant who had pity on his voice as I only spoke to him on the phone.

I immediately make sure to explain that there is nothing to be sorry about, but I am not sure if they believe that.  I think that people think I just put up a brave face. And perhaps I do sometimes, but never about being alone.

“The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone.” 
― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven – Meniti Bianglala

I have spent a lot holidays alone.  I don’t remember ever being bothered by it.

Most of my friends are spending time with their families.  One offered to ask her in-laws if she could bring me.  On that moment I did feel pitiful!

Being invited just because someone is sorry I will be home alone is really the depressing part for me.  How about inviting someone because you just enjoy their company? I am able to appreciate the gesture but it feels insulting. Yep I am of a sensitive nature!

The pity I feel from people implies that there is something horribly wrong with spending a holiday alone, and therefore something wrong with me.

“Alone” is such a vilified word, it is almost a curse word sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I would be better off lying about it and saying I will be spending with friends.

I think that I am too comfortable in my aloneness – not to be confused with loneliness.  To me this is just my situation at the moment, it does not define me one way or another. I never think about until I get the reactions that I get. Should I be thinking about it? Do I have a problem?

“And you should not let yourself be confused in your solitude by the fact that there is something in you that wants to move out of it.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

My holidays vary with my mood and also with how much foresight I have in planning for it.  More often than not holidays sneak up on me and then I realize too late that I missed a chance to get away for a few days.

This Thanksgiving I am planning to do a little of everything.   Thanksgiving is one of my favorites holidays, mostly because it reminds us to be thankful – and unfortunately, some people need to be reminded of that.

I will make myself a delicious meal.  Since I don’t care for turkey, the bird of choice will be chicken.  I think I will also make sweet potato fries, oven roasted vegetables, brown rice and quinoa.  What I am really looking forward to is dessert.  I will have Sticky Toffee Pudding cake.

Sticky Toffee Pudding Cake Mix

I have been searching high and low for the best Sticky Toffee Pudding cake. I have ordered different ones ready-made online, including one that came in a can (awful), then I came across a cake mix box on Amazon.com from a store in Houston, TX that had great reviews.  As one of life’s little coincidences, ex’s cousin works at that store and at this moment ex’s mother is in Houston visiting family.  I never ask anyone for anything but this time I made an exception.  She was over the moon that finally she had a chance to do something for me.   So this week I got a delivery of 4 boxes (I only asked for one but she wanted to be extra nice). I can’t wait to have my apartment smelling of cake. I will report on taste later.

Remaining friends with his mother came in handy! lol

I stopped by the Library and got 3 books for the weekend.  I started one this morning in the train and after 2 pages I couldn’t take it anymore. I am hoping the other 2 will be more entertaining. I think the best one will be “About Grace” by Anthony Doerr, but I will report on it later.

About Grace

I also plan on starting a mosaic piece.  It has been months since I have done anything with mosaics.  I blame it on all the tools and materials not being easily accessible, but really that is just an excuse. I lack motivation lately.

I have invitations for dates before and after Thanksgiving, but lately I am even more selective with whom I choose to spend my time with. So I still have not decided if one of those guys are better then the book/popcorn combo I have planned for the evenings.

Anyway, the point of this post is to say: Please don’t be sorry for me!  Alone or not, I am so blessed and happy! Just because I am physically with no one it doesn’t mean that my heart is not full and that I am not loved and loving and that my holiday will be less of a holiday than yours!

I am sorry if I sound rude, or Heaven forbid, ungrateful, that is not the case at all.  I know everyone’s heart is in the right place, but I just wish that they would concentrate their sympathy on more important causes than me.

I wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving, alone or together, at home or away.  Remember to be grateful for this very moment!

I thank you for continuing to be here for me!  I thank you for putting up with my wordiness.   I thank you for your time, energy and heart when you choose to read my words and reflect on them enough to give me your opinion.  Your 2 cents often times makes me feel like a million dollars!

 “Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” ― Marcel Proust

In defense of winter and cold rainy days

05 Wednesday Nov 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.” ― Anne Bradstreet, The Works of Anne Bradstreet

Saturday morning I walked out of my building and felt a cold drizzle on my face. I felt alive! I love rainy days and winter the same way people like summer and sunshine.  As I was walking and basking in the moment a woman coming out of a store bumps into me.  Instead of saying excuse me or good morning, she says:  “It is such a miserable day!”  I think she mostly said it to herself and not to me, but still it felt like the wrong thing to say.

At that moment it hit me that this woman was setting herself up to have a bad day just because of a little cold rain.  I don’t understand it. Why do people let the weather dictate their mood? I know that there are some people that suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), but I think the majority of people just have a dislike for winter weather and not any real disorder.

“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”― Epictetus

I am not here to defend the rain and winter and to say start loving the cold weather.  Oh wait, I am here to do just that! First, I am here to say that each one of us, human, animal, object, weather patterns, etc, we all have our functions to perform to the best of our abilities.  We cannot blame the rain for being wet and messing up our hair or blame the cold because we can no long wear shorts.  They are doing their job and deserve respect.  Second, I am here to tell you to appreciate everything around you, specially the things that may annoy you or make your life a little more complicated.  Appreciate the things you love, such as sunshine, but appreciate the things that you don’t care for even more.  Find a way to see beauty and meaning in them.

“The invariable mark of wisdom is to see the miraculous in the common.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

I happen to love rain and snow, so rainy days and snowy days are particularly pleasant to me.  Yes, go ahead and hate me for it. 🙂  I also like dark places with curtains and windows closed.  I adore days that when I wake up it is so dark that I cannot tell if it is day or night.  Don’t get alarmed I like light and sun light too, I do! I just see the beauty and comfort in thunderstorms outside while I am cozy inside.  Perhaps I am, in a way, hiding from the world.  I think a psychologist would have a wonderful time with me! 🙂 I am so happy and yet so dark.

I am also saying if change your mind your outlook will change and that will only yield positive results.  Specially in the morning when you have the whole day ahead, don’t let little, or big, things set yourself up  to having a bad day.  Don’t call the day miserable because of a little rain.  What will make the day miserable or not is your attitude towards it.

“At the end of the day, let there be no excuses, no explanations, no regrets.” ― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Rain to me is life! Cold to me is energy! Snow to me is beauty and challenge (as in skiing)!  Dark to me is comfort!  Loving summer, sun, spring, flowers, that is easy, the value is in loving what is the difficult.

What would summer be without winter?  Not as pleasurable that is for sure!

Don’t use the weather, or anything else, as an excuse to be miserable!

The other day while cleaning some files I came across the little card pictured below.  I put it on my bathroom mirror so that every day I have an extra reminder to begin my day with gratitude in my heart!

Remember to always be grateful!

Remember to always be grateful!

 

 

Heart, I am all ears and no blame, please talk to me!

19 Sunday Oct 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Evil draws its power from indecision and concern for what other people think.” ― Pope Benedict XVI

All of a sudden I am having trouble making decisions.  This is a new thing for me.  I always followed my heart (gut, instinct or whatever one calls that inner feeling that tells you exactly what to do) so decisions have always been easy and quick.  And once a decision was made I never wavered or second guessed myself.

I thought age would make me even more secure of my actions, but  I find it is just the opposite. My usual self-assured self is feeling unsure.  I seem to be avoiding and postponing making decisions. My mind feels clouded  and noisy.  I find myself now in that precarious boat of self-doubt.   Indecision, insecurity, fear, those are words that would never describe me, and yet at this moment it seems they do.

I never understood people that couldn’t make a decision. I thought they were either not listening to their heart or they heard it but were afraid to act.  I felt sorry for them. I also got annoyed when they questioned my, sometimes crazy, decisions. How can they question what my heart is telling me? Poor souls!

“Having made the decision, do not revise it unless some new fact comes to your knowledge. Nothing is so exhausting as indecision, and nothing is so futile.” ― Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness

When I say I could always easily make a decision perhaps that is not the whole truth.  I could always make the tough decisions, but easy ones always eluded me.  It takes me forever to decide what to order in a restaurant and after I order I always think the the other person made a better choice.  But when it came to big, hard, life changing decisions I just knew which way to go, what to do.

Now I find myself trying to listen to that inner voice and all I hear is the chatter of self doubt and confusion.  Where is that knowing feeling? How do I get it back?

I realized that I started talking to people about my plans in the expectation that they are going to agree with me or, worst yet, tell me what I should do.   Who am I becoming? Since when I need people to help me with decisions in my life?

At this moment I am struggling with 2 things. (Is this my attempt to try to get your opinion and approval? perhaps…  🙂 )

1. Should I take my Mom to Israel for her 80th birthday?  I promised my mother a trip there years ago and I decided now is the time. Then it seems not to be the right time.  I am not exactly waiting for peace in the Middle East, but now seems to be worst than ever.  She is okay with going some place else, but Israel was always her dream. What if something happens?  Am I being careless with her life?

2. Do I buy a 2 bedroom apartment or stay in my one bedroom? I don’t have space for guests (Mom comes twice a year and stays 1 month each time) or to do my mosaics, so a larger apartment would improve my life.  But am I being too materialistic and greedy? What if something happens and I go into financial ruin?

“Fear stifles our thinking and actions. It creates indecisiveness that results in stagnation. I have known talented people who procrastinate indefinitely rather than risk failure. Lost opportunities cause erosion of confidence, and the downward spiral begins.” ― Charles F. Stanley

I have a feeling that this uncertainty is just another side effect of the break up. When I met Ex I jumped head first following my heart blindly. Then it all fell apart.   Do I unconsciously blame my heart?  How could it have been so wrong?

How do I get back to trusting my opinion and judgement?  I don’t know but I am going to try.  I will start by:

1. Coming to the understanding that my heart was not wrong.  Ex was The One for 3 years, but not a lifetime.  He had a part to play in my life and once he was done with teaching me and helping me progress to a next level he did me a favor by letting me go.

2. Stop looking for approval and guidance from everyone.   I will only share my plans once I have already made a decision. Having too many different opinions is just confusing my mind.

3. Shut out the noise around so I can better hear my heart.  Having more quiet time/meditative time.  I need to make room and time for my heart.  But also read more, write more, anything that gets my mind flowing and my heart’s voice out.

4.  Last but not least I will pray more. I will be more grateful for all the guidance that I have received (did I ever thank my heart for all the years of good service and guidance?) but I will also ask for more.  I don’t care how hard the road is, all I care is that I am on the right road.

The bottom line is that I know I am blessed and I will be okay no matter what. This uncertainty just means that I need to have more faith.  This is a wake up call and I am wide awake now!

“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.”  – J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

 

 

Video

My heart is Green and Yellow, and also Red, White and Blue!

03 Friday Oct 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“It matters not who you love, where you love, why you love, when you love or how you love, it matters only that you love”― John Lennon

 

This is what everyone sees as they enter my office:

Brazilian flag

My beautiful Brazilian flag!  I put it up during the World Cup in June and never took it down.  I think I will just leave it there until the next World Cup in 2018.

This morning, for some reason, a thought came to mind:  What does that flag really mean? It means I love my birth country and I am proud to be a Brazilian – that simple!

But what about the very country I am in right now?  What about the good old USA?

Having my Brazilian flag in a way makes me feel close to my Brazilian roots, but in no way means that I love the US any less.

I happen to love both countries equally and would hate if I had to choose one.  It would be like asking a mother which one of her children she wants to keep.  I could never choose. Thanks heaven I don’t have to.

I am blessed to be a citizen of two countries.  For now I choose to live in the US – a country that welcomed me with open arms and has given me opportunities I would never have in Brazil.  I don’t feel I am half Brazilian half American, I feel I am full Brazilian and full American!

It doesn’t seem right to be displaying only the Brazilian flag.  I think it is sending the wrong message (no one here in my office has ever said anything about my keeping the flag up, so this unfairness is all in my mind and heart).  Right at this moment I am online shopping for an American flag.  I will be hanging it up there with my Brazilian one.   It think it will be perfect!

I see many issues with both countries.  There is a lot that needs changing here and there.  But I see both of my countries like the people that I love: I don’t always condone their actions and I don’t look only to their flaws.  I choose to love and be grateful for all the beauty and goodness in them. No matter what, I will continue to do my best to improve my surroundings in whenever country I happen to be in.

“Earth provides enough to satisfy every man’s needs, but not every man’s greed.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

 

Feeling a bit misunderstood :-(

26 Friday Sep 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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The view from my family's home

The view from my family’s home

I am back and happy to be back!   People think I am crazy when I say I am happy to return from vacation.  I love going away on vacation and seeing my family and all the fun stuff that it entails, but I also love coming back home.  I love my routine, my bed, my life.

In Brazil I mostly stayed with family and saw a few old friends.  No partying or travelling to the beach.  The purpose of the trip was to be with my father and I did that.  I am extremely happy and also relieved that he is doing so well.  I love my family and feel so immensely blessed by them and the opportunity to spend time with them.

Now I am back and picking up where I left off.  Being with my family in Brazil highlighted what I already knew: I cannot date someone that is not respectful of my belief in God and all Godly related things.  My Dad’s recovery from a potentially deadly infection/gangrene has been nothing short of a miracle.  How can I not believe in the power of something bigger than I am?

I will write more about my trip but for now I will just mention something that my sister said that has been stuck on my mind.  Even though we have been living apart for almost 30 years she is still the person that knows me the best. Or so I thought. So her opinion really matters to me.

“I’m standing in misunderstanding. I must have just stepped in it.” ― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

I was telling her about my latest dating adventure (speed dating) when she told me that it seemed that I am desperate for a boyfriend just to say that I have a boyfriend.  I was shocked that she thought that.   I respect her opinion but it cannot be further from the truth.  There has been plenty of opportunities for me to have a boyfriend if all I wanted to do was say I have a boyfriend, but I am interested in more.  I want it all, and yet all I want is simple.  I just want the company of someone that makes my heart sing.  And so far my heart has been silent.

My sister never read my blog even though she was the first one I told about it.  She said she thought I didn’t keep it up.  I was disappointed about that.   Maybe she is reading it now, or maybe not!  Do I have a history of not seeing things through?  Perhaps she thinks that too.  But anyway, that is not the point.  The point is that her comment made me think of you: you my reader and my friend.  Do you think I am dying for a boyfriend just to say I have a boyfriend? Do you care either way?

“I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don’t know why, some people fill the gaps and others emphasize my loneliness.” ― Anaïs Nin

I would hate to be thought of as “that girl”, you know, the one desperate for a boyfriend, the one that cannot live without a man!  I am more than somebody looking for a boyfriend and would hate to be seen as only that.  Perhaps I need to change my writing.  Perhaps I should talk more about the other areas of my life.  Perhaps I should forget about dating for awhile, or at least stop talking about it.

“It’s dreadful what little things lead people to misunderstand each other.”― L.M. ontgomery, Emily’s Quest

I started this blog because of a broken heart so it is fitting that this blog is mostly about my heart.  Also my dating adventures seem to be more interesting than other details about my life.  I always like to focus on the fun and positive.  Why should I talk about how much I am spending in my father’s medical bills or the fact that my tenant is 2 weeks late with the rent check when the dating trials and tribulations are more fun?

Perhaps I should do nothing different at all.  I should continue to be me.  Is it important what others know and think about me or is it enough that I know who I am and what I am about? Truth is I don’t really care what others think of me, but it is hard when their view is so opposed to the truth.

“We’re all islands shouting lies to each other across seas of misunderstanding.” ― Rudyard Kipling, The Light That Failed

How do I want you to see me?  It is really very simple, I just want you to get that I am real and honest, flawed and yet unbelievably perfect!  I did make it a mission of mine to be more aggressive and more active in finding a mate so I have to be able to take the comments in regards to that, and must not be hurt if the opinions differ from mine.   Leaving things to chance never suited me, even though I know and respect that things will happen if and when they are meant to happen.  I know the Universe conspires to bring me what I need, but nowhere it is written that I have to just sit and wait.

“Nothing happens until something moves.” ― Albert Einstein

I just want to be ready for the opportunity when it comes.  I want to put myself out there. I want soak life and all its beauty.  Even though my posts may not reflect it, I have grown immensely the last couple of years, and the people that I have met and dated have been instrumental to that growth.

“The power of getting to know one another is so immense, eclipsed only by first getting to know ourselves.” ― Bryant McGill, Voice of Reason

The truth is it would be really easy to sit here and write about something else and pretend dating is not one of my priorities/goals, but that would be manipulative and dishonest – two things that I am not!

So the verdict is in (I am that fast!!), I will continue the dating thing (and writing and talking about it) until I get sick of it and not because others are sick of reading/hearing about it.    So please keep coming back and reading.  Your comments have been enlightening, humorous and supportive.  You make me feel loved and valued as human being.  Your words really make me feel warm and fuzzy inside! In the end if you see me as “that girl” so be it, I can take it!

Speed Dating and the Non-Believer!

12 Friday Sep 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“To venture causes anxiety, but not to venture is to lose one’s self…. And to venture in the highest is precisely to be conscious of one’s self.” – ― Søren Kierkegaard

I am leaving for Brazil in a few hours.  I am fighting a bit of anxiety.   There is this one thing that I wanted to accomplish but it didn’t work out as expected (is it the Universe telling me that I should wait until I return or is it the Universe seeing my resolve in getting this done?).  When things don’t go according to plan it causes me a bit of internal turmoil.  I am trying to compartmentalize it and put that one issue aside until I am back in NY and can deal with it. I should know better than to thing that I have any control over anything.

Before I go I want to make sure to tell you about my last adventure in dating:  Speed dating.

It was surprisingly fun. There were 9 guys and 10 women.  It was in a bar in NY City.  The women sat around and the men went around to each lady, changing to the next lady every 3 minutes.  To me this is the perfect way to meet someone since I normally know within the first couple of minutes if there is something there or not.  I don’t have the time to go into details about every guy, but there was a good mix from the not so normal (this is NY after all) to the completely normal (at least it appears to be so).  There was a good mix of ladies too, from the divorced housewife to the rude impatient “I am better than you” lady.

A side note is that 8 out of the 9 guys were never married and had no children.  A shocking fact since they were all between the ages of 40 and 50.  The other ladies thought that this was a matter of concern, as if there is something wrong with them.  Since I happen to be one of them (never married, no kids) I think that fact it is no big deal.  But I do find strange to have so many of them in one place.

In the days after, you are supposed to go to the service website and choose who you would like to see again.  I chose 2 guys.  There were probably 5 of them that I wouldn’t mind seeing again, but only two seemed to be candidates for something long-lasting, so I rather not waste the other’s time.

Since they had chosen me also, contact information was provided to all.  They both contacted the same day.  One is an International Business Strategist (whatever that means) and the other is a jazz musician.

The first one emailed me right away, but then never contacted me again after I replied.  This is NY so I am not surprised, but I am just curious as to the silence.  I hope he was not run over by a truck!

“I am realistic – I expect miracles.” ― Wayne W. Dyer

On Wednesday the musician took me to a French Restaurant.  Everything was great from the food to the conversation.  And we both had agreed to date again.   But, of course there is always a but.  While he was walking me to the train station the conversation turned to religion.  He questioned me a lot about my religious beliefs.  I am not sure I like that part very much.  I am all for healthy debates but I felt interrogated.   We sat at the train station and had a cocktail while I waited for the train.  I was intrigued that we got along so well and yet there is this huge divide.

He doesn’t believe in anything that cannot be proven.  I, on the other hand, don’t need proof of a God (whatever name you choose to call) or miracles, I believe in it with all my heart.  I believe in the Universe/God/Superior Power, something greater than me. I find comfort in that belief.  I believe in miracles and consider my life a blessing.  He wanted proof!  I said I was not one of those people that think that my belief is the right one, and I was not about to try to prove him wrong, but my belief is right for me!

I am open minded and always believed that as long as people respect each other’s opinions any relationship can work…today I am not so sure.  At that time it didn’t seem to be a big deal to have a difference of opinion, but today, a couple of days later, this seems way too big a difference to ignore.    He used the word “ridiculous” to describe the belief in things unseen and unproven, such as Christ, God, miracles, etc.  That seemed disrespectful to me now.

 “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” -― Albert Einstein

Perhaps the ridiculous thing is for a believer like me to be with someone that thinks it is ridiculous to believe in something that you cannot see or prove.  Is it worth to see him again? I love believing in guardian angels, miracles, faith, hope, the Universe, etc I am thinking I need someone that will, at least, not think that that is ridiculous.  My faith and believe is such a huge part of me that if someone has an issue with that, then they have an issue with me.

Well, I have more to say, but not enough time, I need to make the next train, get home, get bagels, and then head to the airport.

ps. please forgive mistakes, typos, etc…written in a hurry!