being choosy, being picky, being scared, enjoying being single too much, falling in love, loving the idea of being in love, loving the journey, not looking for the destination, online dating, taking a break from online dating
“You can be in love and you can be in a relationship. But they’re not always the same thing.” ― pleasefindthis (Iain S. Thomas)
Am I becoming one of those people that swear off of relationships forever? Not that there is anything wrong with that! I do want a relationship. I like the idea that I still believe in love and that I am searching for my fairy-tale, for my Prince Charming.
Still often I seem to be finding excuses not to get involved in one. Any time I meet someone that seems a little promising I immediately get in the “let me find something wrong with him” mode.
Sometimes there is really something wrong with him, but often I just pick at stupid things. I went on a second date with a guy the other night and when he walked me to my car he started telling me a story. He was speaking so loudly that I am sure people passing by thought he was arguing with me. I am Brazilian, we are not known for speaking softly, and still I dismiss someone for speaking loud. The same goes for the guy that I dismissed because he touched his food with his hands. I touch my food with my hands all the time.
Of course there are the times that I like them and they don’t like me. In those instances I wonder if I just like them because they don’t seem interested in me?
What is happening here? Am I being too pick or am I just being specific about what I want and don’t want?
Perhaps they are simply not the right person yet and I am just terrified of settling for the wrong person. What if I settle for someone almost perfect for me and then the perfect one arrives?
I am saying “perfect for me” and not “perfect”. Not only perfection doesn’t exist, if it did it would be extremely boring and stressful trying to keep up with it.
Another possibility is that, even though I am searching for someone, I don’t really want anyone. I feel I am very open and easily let people in, but perhaps that is just not the case at all. My openness is just camouflage for my guarded heart.
Being alone is safe. Opening up and letting others in not so much. This blog was born out of the pain from the last time I really let someone in and even though I love my blog I do not want that pain again.
Perhaps still I am just having too much fun searching and don’t want to give that up? I am enjoying being single and going on many blind dates. I am fascinated by all the different types of people I meet. Am I becoming a player?
I like the search, the discovery, the what-if, the process. I like the idea of being in love, but perhaps I just don’t want to “fall” in love. If happiness is a journey and not a destination I dare say that I am perfectly content on dating the rest of my life.
Yet, with all of that being said I am considering taking a one month break from online dating and returning later with fresher eyes. Perhaps this online dating has become a game, or just entertainment. Maybe I am not taking things seriously or perhaps I am being too serious about it.
I also noticed that I am neglecting other aspects of my life. I haven’t had much free time lately, and a lot of the little time I have is spent on online dating. I am neglecting my writing on this blog to write countless emails to countless potential dates. I have to change things and prioritize me and what is important to me. I think that I need to take a quick vacation from online dating.
But before I do I am going on a last date tomorrow night.
“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” ― Marcel Proust