Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

Painful memories can bring comfort and contentment!

20 Sunday Mar 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” – Lao Tzu

As I am laying in bed waiting for sleep to come, my mind went back to a sad time over 4 years ago.  It was the time when my Ex and I were breaking up.  (For the new readers: After thinking I was in a fairy-tale I found out my boyfriend was cheating.  When I confronted him, he asked me to move out).

No,  I am not still thinking of him.  He is history!  But tonight memories of that time came to mind. (I think it had to do with getting an email from him wishing me a good trip.  His mom must have told him I was going on a skiing trip.  I didn’t reply and felt indifferent about it).  I see this memory not as a memory of him, but a memory of me and my feelings at a certain time.

The memory is of one night as I had my head resting against his chest as we were both going to sleep.  Well, he was going to sleep… to me those nights were spent awake trying to come up with answers, trying to come up with solutions.  The memory is of my heart aching.  I was in pain and there was no painkiller that could stop it.  I felt as if my heart was being ripped out of my chest.  The knowledge,  but not the acceptance,  that the life as I knew it was over.

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” – Steve Maraboli

I have my head on the chest of the man that is causing me this immense pain and still I want to do anything I can to stay with him.  I wanted to know why he was doing what he was doing and how could I fix it.  At that moment in time contemplating a future without him was incomprehensible.  So instead of planning my solo future I was planning ways to get him back.  I am trying to ignore the inevitable.

I remember trying to talk to him, trying to convince him to work on the relationship.  I was doing all the talking.  He was resolved and that was the end of it.  I would have done anything to stay.  I begged and I pleaded.   I was still lying to myself hoping he would change his mind and give us a chance.  Instead every time I tried he made me feel smaller and smaller.

Looking back I realized how much easier it would have been if I had just surrendered to the truth of the situation.  Hindsight is indeed 20/20.

I, still after all these years, cannot find a reason on why he cheated.  I cannot find anything lacking.   But I finally found peace in the fact that I don’t need an answer for everything.  It is okay for some questions to remain answered.  Acceptance is freeing!

“Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” – Rumi

If I ever choose to speak to him again I would want to say just 2 words:  Thank you!

Thank you for having the insight, wisdom and vision to let me go.  Thank you for knowing what was best for me!  Thank you for being so cold and mean in the break up, you made easier to forget you.   Thank you for not giving in to my tears and for ignoring my begging.  In doing that you showed me I deserved more.

Now I see how our fairy-tale had an expiration date.  It was amazing and then it ended.  I am happy with the beautiful memories, amazing experiences, fun times.  I am happier with the bad memories.  I am grateful for all, including for the hurt you put me through in the end.

Above all I am grateful for the lessons.  There are so many, I am still leaning from it. I wouldn’t be the amazing person I am today were not for the pain you have caused.

“If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.”  – Pema Chodron

There is love in staying together and there is love in letting go.  We both said I love you in different ways. At one point he mentioned that his life was just too complicated and would become even more so, that he wouldn’t be able to be that man I wanted and deserved.  He was right!  His life has been a total mess the past few years and I am blessed not to be involved in that.

Now as I am about to drift to sleep alone in my awesome bed I realize how blessed I am.   I see the humor in realizing that I barely remember he existed when at one point I didn’t feel I could exist without him.  Thank you for the passage of time.

The memories no longer pain me.  They console me and they show me the wisdom of God.  It shows me that acceptance and trust in a Higher wiser power is what works for me.  Trust and acceptance gives me meaning and hope.

As for Ex I wish him well.  I wish him peace and clarity.  He seemed a miracle when he came into my life and he proved a miracle when he left.

“What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle.” – Rumi

In my emptiness I feel full and grateful!

12 Saturday Mar 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Empty Chair

What comes to mind when you look at the picture above? Peace and tranquility?  Solitude and loneliness?

What do you see first, the beautiful vast mountain or the cold empty chair?

To me it is impossible not to see the brilliance of God and not to feel immensely blessed to have the opportunity of witnessing such majestic views.

There was also a pang of sadness as this was my last day in the resort and I imagined the chair was empty because I was leaving.

I just returned from my skiing adventure in Park City, Utah. I am still shaky and lack confidence in my skiing skills but I am proud of myself for not giving up on something I have grown to love but that it remains challenging.

I enjoy the freedom of being on the mountain and making my way down at my own pace, not pretty and not perfect but always feeling powerful when I arrive at the bottom.

“I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.” – Albert Einstein

I didn’t do much, other than skiing during the day and walking around in town in the evenings.  Did I feel alone? Not really.  Would I rather have someone there with me?  Absolutely!  Everything is better when shared with a loved one.

Last time I went skiing alone I made contact with people that were going to be at the resort at the same time I would.  I made plans to meet a couple of people and one became a good friend/pen pal. This time I didn’t have the time/inclination/energy to spend time posting and doing research on people to meet, so I knew there would be dinners alone.

“I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.” – Charlotte Bronte

I am coming to the realization that loneliness is a state of mind.  I skied alone, I sat in restaurants alone and yet I didn’t feel alone.  I talked to people around me. Some were happy to talk while others were monosyllable.  It didn’t bother me when someone didn’t feel like talking.  Not taking things personally is a skill that I am mastering.

I am sufficient, I am enough!  It is a great realization!  The more self sufficient, the happier I am alone,  the better a partner I will be when the right person comes along.  There is empowered in solo adventures.

I plan on doing much more travelling alone if no one wants to come with me.  Everyone is welcome to join me but I am not waiting for anyone.  Life waits for nobody, why should I?

“At first I felt dizzy – not with the kind of dizziness that makes the body reel but the kind that’s like a dead emptiness in the brain, an instinctive awareness of the void.” – Fernando Pessoa

Leaning to accept the right to be angry!

23 Tuesday Feb 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Diana's Sunflower

Diana’s Sunflower

My goddaughter knows of my love for sunflowers so she made me one out of clay. Last time she made me something out of clay I dropped and it broke, then I lost some of the pieces. I felt bad. So this time I was intent on not breaking it. I painted this craft box of white, and then glued some plastic tiles on and around it. Then I glued the sunflower on top. It is a bit childish, but so am I, so I love it!

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“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” – Aristotle

Lately my Mom has angry moments, angry days.  She is angry at friends, at situations, at the weather. It seems she is angry at the world!

I don’t like it. I want to take her by the shoulders and shake some sense into her. I want her to realize how blessed she is. I want her to realize that being angry doesn’t help. Anger only poisons everything around. Anger corrodes happiness.

I can never tell her like it is. Everything is sugar-coated, always walking on egg-shells around her. My Mom is pampered. My siblings and I would and do everything for her. We never challenged my mother, we mostly agree. It seems too late to change the dynamic.

I think I know her anger though. My mom is 80 years old. She has amazing energy and looks more like 60 than 80. She can run circles around a 25 year old. But lately there are some days when she feels age creeping in. Since she fell ill a year ago, things have not been the same.

Her anger is from a body giving in when the soul is just waking up. It is from so many dreams and so little time. It is from a world of opportunities a tad too late. It is from a nameless frustration from pains too painful to deal with.  It is from fear of forgetting, is from fear of depending.

“He continued to see inevitable events from the past as avoidable, long after they’d taken their course.”  – Hugh Howey

Combine that with a painful, poor and hard childhood that she still carries around and every now and then mentions it but doesn’t free it.  As she ages and she shrinks, her shrinkage is as much from time as it is from the burden that she stubbornly carries. Such is my mother’s story, unable to pacify the child within.

Now that my 50th birthday is looming I begin to understand her frustration. Time is running out. The reality of the finite is unforgiving. A weakening body that seems to be slowing down too fast is scary.

What can I do when Mom gets angry for no reason? When she makes a mountain out of a molehill? Absolutely nothing! She will not change not matter how much I want her to. Trying to point out the obvious hasn’t worked. So I will try to change instead, in as much as I can.

Now I choose acceptance and respect.  I no longer get angry that she is angry.  I respect her right to be angry when she wants to. Why must she bottle up her anger because of my discomfort?

In my book my mother has earned the right to be angry when she wants to.  I will continue to love and pamper my Mom no matter how angry she gets.  I think love is stronger than anger, so I will always choose love.

In learning to accept my mother’s right to be angry, I am learning to accept everyone’s right to be angry, including my own!  My mom continues to teach me incredible lessons even if she doesn’t realize.

I know that everything passes. Everything has an end.  Thinking of my mother as finite terrifies me and it also helps me to love, accept and respect.

“A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.” – John Barrymore

Park City Mountain here I come!

19 Friday Feb 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me, travels

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Park City, Utah

Park City, Utah

“Travel brings power and love back into your life.” – Rumi

Park City it is! I am excited to be going skiing in Utah. I have never been there before and I do want to see every US state, so another one off the list. The hotel and the flights are booked and paid for so there is no changing my mind now.

Now I have to reserve the skis and schedule the lessons. I think I will take a couple of days of lessons and the other 3 days will be on my own. I am going alone, so I think I will play by ear and not plan every single moment.

I have been trying to learn how to ski for a few years now. Three years ago I had an awesome experience in Snowmass, CO. I took group lessons with this female instructor who was phenomenal. I wish I would remember her name. I gained so much confidence with her. I learned different skills; I even did a jump and a half-pipe.  For that moment in time I even lost my fear of speed.  I was on top of the world.

Then 2 years ago I went to Whistler and the mountain kicked my behind. I started on the blues and ended up on the bunny hill. It was very icy so I think that made me nervous and eroded my confidence. Not only that, but I also think that I was too over confident and a bit too conceited.

I have been to Whistler 3 times and even with this bad experience it remains one of my favorite places in the world, and I will definitely return at some point soon.

“Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us, or we find it not.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

From the bad experience in Whistler I learned:
1) Overconfidence can backfire. I was in a group and the other people were slower and less experienced than I was, so I was having an attitude, not externally, but internally.  In my mind I was the best and they were slowing me down.  That until I panicked and froze on a blue run.  I need to keep my ego in check and be more patient with others and myself.
2) I have to realize that different days and different conditions will bring about different experiences. It was pure ice and freezing in Whistler, so it would certainly be a different experience than fluffy power and warmer temperatures in Colorado. I need to better manage my expectations.  The best is not to have any.
3) I don’t have to let setbacks define me and even stop me. I am going to continue. So I have to re-start, so what? No one is keeping score other than me. And even if I am a beginner forever, who cares? As long I enjoy every moment, being grateful for the opportunity every skiing day is a success. (or any day doing anything)
4) It showed me how much I really love skiing and what I am made of. Even at my worst, even when I felt terrified to leave the bunny slope I decided to continue on.  I decided not to let that one bad experience define me. I am not the failure to ski blues, I am the success of keep going on the greens.  I create my own definition of success.

Why do I so enjoy something that I struggle with so much? Perhaps because of the struggle. Perhaps because it is a challenge and I want to conquer it.

I like challenges.  Several years ago I wanted to learn how to scuba dive but was always terrified of water. I went every night to the YMCA and slowly talked myself into letting go of the borders of the swim pool. Slowly I grew more comfortable in the water. I became certified and and went on a few adventures. I am still not comfortable in the water, but I like that I went ahead and learned enough to be certified and do something I always wanted to try.

But the real answer is that I never feel more free than at the top of a mountain. At that moment there is no work, there is no family, there is no problems or dramas; there is nothing else except getting to the bottom.   Often difficult, sometimes scary and even paralyzing, but totally freeing. My definition of heaven!

“Travel makes one modest. You see what a tiny place you occupy in the world.” – Gustave Flaubert

Boyfriendless and happy, but confused!

12 Friday Feb 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Embracing Valentine’s Day

For the past few years this holiday always made me feel a bit blue.  I always felt this longing for someone to share that day with.  I always felt left out of a day made for couples.

This year is different.  If I had not broken up with MF last week I could be going on some holiday adventure and would be celebrating the day/weekend in style.  I chose to break up.  I chose to be alone.

All of a sudden I don’t feel this holiday is leaving me out, instead I am doing the leaving.  It is my choice and it feels so right, it feels so good!

I still want the fairy-tale. I still want to be lovey-dovey with someone, especially on this day, but now, more than ever, I am not willing to settle.  The older I get the less desperate I feel, the choosier I become, the more confident I am.  I guess that is one of the pros of growing older.

I am sending much love to everyone. I hope everyone enjoys this holiday.  Even if you think it is too commercial, enjoy it anyway!  It is indeed too commercial, as most holidays are becoming, but it serves as a reminder to celebrate all our loved ones, romantic or not.  Use this day to celebrate love! Love of all kinds, love for all things, love for yourself,  love even for the unlovable (exes included)

Speaking of Ex, I got a Valentine’s Day card in the mail from his mother.  J

“We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: it’s got to be the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”
I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.”  – Andrew Boyd

***

Whistler, BC 2014

Whistler, BC 2014

“I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!” Mark Twain

The problem with having too many choices

My brother always vacations in the same resort town in the north of Brazil.  Brazil is a huge country with so many amazing vacation spots, so I am always baffled that he chooses the same town over and over again.  I never understood that.  Why not try out a different place? Be a little adventurous, discover another favorite.

I am not sure why he does that.  Is it insecurity?  Is it fear of stepping into the unknown?  I want to go everywhere I never been to before.  I want to try it all, at least once.  I want the unknown and I don’t want to play it safe.  I follow my heart and that sometimes takes immense courage.

Yet, right now, I am sitting here considering going back to Whistler, BC or to Snowmass, CT.  I am considering it for the familiarity.  I know how to navigate those places.  All of a sudden I catch myself doing what I dislike in other people.  I already know I am turning into my mother, and now I am turning into my brother.  Quelle Horreur!

I am now trying to decide where to go and when to go.  I was leaning towards Utah since I have never been there and it would be another state crossed off my list.  Then there are all the other mountains in Colorado, and in Canada…   I used to be so decisive. Am I afraid of making the wrong decision?  I know that is a stupid question for someone that follows her heart and trusts her instincts.

Even my heart seems confused or perhaps just tired of making decisions.  It seems baffled by all the options out there.  Too much, too confusing, too many decisions.  I want a decision superhero, someone that will come in and just wave a wand and give me a whole planned itinerary.  I fear being so paralyzed by all the choices that I will end up doing nothing, going nowhere.  And the snow is melting as I think…

A decisive boyfriend may just solve all my problems 🙂

“If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another.
The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it works around that decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience.
If this sounds too mystical, refer again to the body. Every significant vital sign- body temperature, heart rate, oxygen consumption, hormone level, brain activity, and so on- alters the moment you decide to do anything… decisions are signals telling your body, mind, and environment to move in a certain direction.” – Deepak Chopra

My week

08 Monday Feb 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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I miss speaking to MF every night.  All of sudden there is nobody to listen to all the things that happens on my day to day.  I could call and talk to him but I don’t want to give him the impression that we have a future as a couple and I am afraid he would see things that way.   We have exchanged a couple of texts but that was it.  I guess my idea that we could be friends was completely flawed.   Since I am not talking to him I am going to share with you some of my week.

  • On Monday night I helped my tenant pack a few things.  I decided to help her to try to get her to move sooner rather than later.  She is always sick so I feel bad for her.  I realized she is a hoarder and has a problem letting go of things.  All we did was move things around.  I may have to be more forceful and give her a deadline.
  • On Tuesday night I wasn’t able to fall asleep until after 2am.  My hip was hurting so bad I couldn’t find a good position to sleep.  I think I overdid a little helping my tenant.   I need to do my stretches every morning and eventually go see a doctor again.  
  • On Wednesday night I dropped a 5 pound dumbbell on my bare foot.  I had to take a cab to get from the train station to work because walking with shoes on was too painful.  I dropped the dumbbell because I was not paying attention when I went to place them on a counter.  I need to pay attention to the task at hand.  I need to be in the moment. 
  • On Thursday I went to a workshop on new NFA (National Futures Association) regulations.  I learned a lot and by the end of Friday I had already drafted the required program for the new regulations that goes into affect on March 1st.   I can get a lot accomplished when I put my mind to it and don’t let things distract me. 
  • On Friday night I started working on a few mosaic projects. I am not very creative, but at the moment I have tons of ideas, and I am happy to get them out of my mind and in action.   Progress feels good.

My 50th birthday is coming up on March 28. (so not ready for it!!)  My twin sister and I were going to take a trip in February because that is when she can take time off.  But all of sudden February was here and nothing was decided, so this week she has gone to a resort in the north of Brazil.   We decided to postpone the trip towards the middle of the year when she will get her green card and be able to come to the USA.  We will go from here meeting somewhere.  Also it will be warmer in Europe as her dream is to go to Scotland.

I decided not to go to Brazil for my birthday.  Friends would want to make a big deal and have a big party.  I don’t care for big celebrations, then my mother would be stressed and overworked, because of course no matter how much we would tell her she didn’t need to do anything  she would go insane with the preparations.

Instead I want to go on a skiing vacation.   Once again I will have to go alone.  A bit sad since MF had all kinds of plans for Valentines Day and for my birthday, but oh well, better alone than to waste somebody’s time, energy and heart.

Learning from the KC Chiefs’ loss

22 Friday Jan 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”  – Winston S. Churchill

I am a Kansas City Chiefs fan.  How come a Brazilian New Yorker is a KC Chiefs’ fan?  I will explain: The ex boyfriend was a hardcore Chiefs’ fan.   I learned the rules of American football by not missing any games while the relationship lasted.  I even spent one week in River Falls, WI to go to the Chiefs training camp.  I also love an underdog and they certainly fit that category.

After the breakup I regretfully threw out or gave away everything that had to do with Chiefs. I incorrectly thought that  now that I don’t have the boyfriend I had to also relinquish the team, along with the house and the dog.  Later I realized that I didn’t have to lose the team because I lost the boyfriend.  Last year the Chiefs hired  Cairo Santos, a Brazilian player as a kicker.  They are the first NFL team to hire a Brazilian player.  I saw that as a sign that the Chiefs were meant to be my team.

“The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.”  – Tom Bodett

This season after losing 5 straight games they go on to win 11 straight and were in the Super bowl playoffs.  I was excited, happy and hopeful.  Then they met the reigning champions, the Patriots. The Chiefs stumbled and fell.  The score ended at 20 to 27.  It was a winnable game.  There were chances.  What happened?

There is no precise answer, no one knows;  but I realized that their loss could teach me a few things:

  • Take advantage of momentum. Momentum was on their side.  Sometimes things are going our way and instead of keep going we stop as we get very close to the goal.  We tire, we get lazy, we lose faith and we end up missing the moment.  When things are going your way, be grateful and keep going, work even harder and don’t stop until achieving your goal.
  • Believe in yourself and in your achievements. I felt the Chiefs felt they were already lucky enough to get as far as they got after a dismal start.  Do you ever feel like a fake?  Sometimes I do.  Especially when I get praises from people.  Sometimes I doubt if I deserve all the praise and all the blessings I have.  When we have that attitude, when we start thinking that whatever we have is because of luck and not our hard work then we become powerless.   Luck can give out at any second.  Take ownership of your hard work.  Praise yourself. Recognize how hard you have worked to be where you are.  Be willing to work even harder to get farther.  Believe that God rewards the ones willing to put in the work.
  • Take advantage of opportunities.  The Chiefs had plenty of chances to turn the game around, but somehow it didn’t happened. Will they have another chance?  I hope so, but who knows.   How many times do you look back and realize that you have missed opportunities.  Looking back you realize you were so close and yet you gave up.  Hindsight is 20/20 but my point here is the need to make sure that we become more aware of present and future opportunities.  Some opportunities won’t knock twice; when it knocks try to grab it before it is too late.
  • Don’t defeat yourself before you even begin. I think the Chiefs never believed they could win against the Patriots.  How many times have you given up on something before even trying? We often think something is too hard and we are not good enough.  And at those times that we decide to try anyway we don’t give our all because we don’t believe our all will be good enough, so we go in half-hearted.  When you decide to do something give it 100%. Belief in yourself, do not sabotage yourself with self doubt.  Believe that you can be victorious.  Visualize yourself being victorious.

“Not all dreamers are winners, but all winners are dreamers. Your dream is the key to your future. The Bible says that, “without a vision (dream), a people perish.” You need a dream, if you’re going to succeed in anything you do.” – Mark Gorman

  • Don’t accept less than what you deserve. The Chiefs had a great season and were very happy to get to the payoffs, but getting close is not good enough. Coming in second is not good enough.  Aim high, aim for the top and don’t settle for less than the stars.  What do you think are you deserving of? In life you will get what you work hard for and you will get what you think you deserve.  The Universe is conspiring to get you what you want, aim high and don’t settle for less.
  • Don’t let obstacles paralyze you. The Chiefs knew the Patriots were a superior team.  The Patriots were, after all, the reigning champs.  The Patriots got into their head.  Don’t let hardships, obstacles and curve balls stop you on your way to getting what you want.  When we start thinking that the opponent/ goal is too far, too great, too hard, and too unattainable then we already lost.   Don’t let the size of the goal defeat you.  Have courage and trust your abilities!
  • Don’t stop trying. Don’t stop fighting.  The Chiefs had been giving their all up to the playoffs. Even while missing key players they had been able to win against stronger teams.  Did they think it was already in the bag? Was it a case of over-confidence?  Don’t slow down assuming something is already yours.  Dream but make sure you act to make that dream come true.  Nothing substitute hard work!

“Not to give up under any circumstances should be the motto of our life: we shall try again and again, and we are bound to succeed. There will be obstacles, but we have to defy them. So do not give up, do not give up! Continue, continue! The goal is ahead of you. If you do not give up, you are bound to reach your destined goal.” – Sri Chinmoy

Problems, Rainy Vermont and Shy boyfriend

15 Friday Jan 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” -Rumi

I am special, but not unique.  Everyone has problems, big and small.  What makes the difference is how we choose to handle them.

My plate is still full of problems and headaches at work and at home, but I am back to wearing my rose-colored glasses, so all is changed.  An adjustment in attitude and perception changes everything. I am taking ownership of my problems, instead of letting them own me.  I am actually enjoying them for the immense opportunity they offer.  I am relishing in the knowledge that they will not last forever.  This too shall pass!

I am also battling a bad cold this week that has left me achy and unfocused.  For a second I felt overwhelmed and like a victim.  It seemed everything was happening at once.  Why can’t problems and illnesses call in advance and make an appointment? I could just say : No, this week I have a cold scheduled, come the following week.  🙂

Now for the good stuff:  My boyfriend took me skiing in Vermont last weekend.   He knew I was dying to go skiing so he made it happen.  Too bad he couldn’t do anything about the weather.  We had to take our skiing lessons in the rain.  It was awesome anyway.

While in Vermont we also went to see comedian Jim Breuer.   He was great, but so loud (am I getting old?).  The comedian that opened for him, Chris Monty, was hilarious.  It was great to spend a weekend of laughter and adventure, and forget about problems.  Well, a tenant called complaining about water issues in the middle of Sunday, but I was able to make some calls and then get back to the fun.  Anytime issues came to mind I would get into the gratitude mode and just chant: thank you, over and over again.  It works!

MF, the boyfriend, is so sweet.  He is trying hard to make me happy and make this relationship works.  Still cautious and  unsure,  I proceed taking one day at a time.

There was a moment in Vermont when I made him uncomfortable.  We were in a pub after the comedy show and I decided to have, not one, but 2 cosmopolitans.  I will normally have a glass of wine or a cocktail when out socially, 2 max.   I never got drunk and don’t want to start now.  I am a control freak so the idea of being drunk terrifies me.  Still one glass is enough to make me even friendlier and happier.

There weren’t that many people in the pub and at one point I hugged and kissed him.  He called it making out; I thought it was just flirtatious behavior.  I don’t think it was bad, I know how to behave.  He is very shy, I am very not.  He had mentioned he had no problems with PDA so I was a little taken aback by his discomfort.  He doesn’t want to make a big deal of this difference and says he will be able to adjust.  First, I wonder if someone can really change and second, I wonder if I want someone to change for me…

“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” – Lemony Snicket

 

Remembering to breathe and be grateful above all things!

06 Wednesday Jan 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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On the way to NC a stop at VA

On the way to NC a stop at VA

So much to write, so little time and inclination… please forgive me, and on that note:

I am sorry!  Please forgive me!  I love you!  Thank you!  In 2016 I am going for soul cleaning and more forgiveness (Ho’oponopono)

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.”  – Ralph Waldo Emerson

The boyfriend and I survived the road trip.  It took 12 hours to get to North Carolina and 10 hours to return to New York.  On the way there I found out that the house we were staying at also contained 2 snakes.  I went crazy.  I was mad.  I cried.  I told him that I would never have agreed to come on this trip had I known this before.   I thought it was very insensitive of him to forget that my number 1 fear is snakes and also that his friend had them.  He suggested we stay in a hotel but at point I decided that as long as the snakes stayed in a locked room I would try to make it.  I am glad to tell you I did it. It is behind us now, but next time I am choosing to stay in a hotel, not only because of the snakes but for various reasons.

I am trying to take this relationship, and life, one day at a time, but I keep predicting doom (I tell him that).  At the moment my problem is with his social awkwardness.  He gets nervous and the third grade jokes appear and it annoys me immensely (and I tell him that).  For now he still finds my brutal honesty charming, but I don’t think that feeling will last.

He took me out on New Years Eve and I was so moody I could barely stand myself.  I feel my hormones are out of control.  I warned him about PMS.  But it seems every day is PMS lately. Or am I just testing him?  How much can he put up with?  Does he like me enough?  Do I like me enough?

“I promise you nothing is as chaotic as it seems. Nothing is worth diminishing your health. Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety, and fear.”  – Steve Maraboli

At work things are stressful.  The infamous audit is still not over and on top of that I have another regular scheduled unaudited audit that I need to complete by the end of the month.  It also seems we will have to fire a couple of people that are not producing.  Even though they should know it is coming I still feel bad.

I am also having issues with my 2 rental apartments.  I never planned on being a landlord.  I don’t have time to deal with any issues.  I was holding on to them to wait for the right time to sell, but I think the right time maybe now.  My other aim for 2016 is to lead a simpler and more minimal life, so shedding excess baggage and drama is at the forefront.

At times it has been hard staying positive.   I don’t do uncertainty well.  This control freak here likes to know where everything stands at all times.  I am constantly failing at “letting go and letting God”.

I actually had to sit myself down and have a hard talk.  I had to look to the past for reminders of my forever faith and positivity.  I had to remind myself of how far I have come and how I have dealt with tough situations in the past.

I also had to remind myself that:

  • God has a plan, just trust in it. Trust that He gives you only what you can handle.
  • There are no problems, only opportunities for learning and growing.
  • Stop reacting and over-reacting. Something happens, pause and reflect before interfering and creating chaos.  Sometimes it is best to let nature take its course without interference.  I don’t have to face everything head-on and immediately.
  • It is not what happens to me, it is how I react (or over-react) to it. Welcome problems as blessings.  Be grateful for their arrival and learn from them.
  • How truly blessed I am. I have an amazing family, great job (even if stressful), comfortable home, cool friends, someone willing to put up with my moods, and most important I have life and opportunities.
  • I need to love, respect and give myself a break. I want to be perfect; I want to be productive at all times.  I expect great results.  Anything less feels like a failure.  Being this hard on myself is only leading towards a mental and physical breakdown.

The list of things I need to remind myself of goes on and on.  But for now when in doubt Accept, Forgive and Be Grateful!

“ Pain is inevitable,suffering is optional”. – Dalai Lama XIV

 

Let’s do Different!

26 Saturday Dec 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.” – Seneca

Thank you everyone for another year of putting up with my blog.  Thank you for taking time to read, for finding inspiration to comment and for the kindness in giving me advice and support.  You mean a lot, I owe you a lot! Sending huge tight grateful hugs to all!

Yesterday I went to the 5 o’clock mass.  I am very spiritual and not religious but I have been going to mass some Sundays and I wanted to go to one on Christmas Eve.  I am so blessed, I have so much to be thankful for, and going to mass has been my way of taking a separate time to thank God for all my blessings.

My boyfriend… wow it is weird to say I have a boyfriend.  After 4 years of going on endless one dates and having one disappointment after another I am trying to get used to the idea of having someone that cares about me and is not afraid to tell me often.

MF (the boyfriend) is everything I need that I didn’t know I needed.  He gives me comfort, patience, understanding.  He is totally non-judgmental and finds my brutal honesty refreshing.  I feel completely accepted!

We are leaving tomorrow on a 10 hour drive from New York to North Carolina.  We are going to spend a couple of days at his best friend’s house.  For some reason I am not concerned about this at all.  My only concern was the idea of showing up at somebody’s house empty handed, so I solved that by buying this huge Godiva Chocolate basket.  Who doesn’t like chocolate?

This week I had some realizations:

  • This relationship feels different.  It feels easy and permanent. (Even though  it will not be easy.  I know it will take work to put all the pieces together… we both have busy lives. We live 1 hour away. His 8 year old son has severe ADHD and needs more attention than most kids).  Do I like him enough to put in the work necessary?
  • I think that my brutal honesty may sometimes be too much.  I think that I may be testing him by all I say and the questions I ask. Perhaps I want to see how far I can push him.  Am I trying to push him out of the door?
  • I realized that I feel guilty anytime I eat something deemed not healthy, like sugar and carbs, and that is very much very often. Here is a new idea: Not seeing food as good or bad.  Just eat and enjoy it!
  • I realized that instead of losing the famous 10 pounds to proudly disrobe in front of the boyfriend, I am instead gaining 10 pounds and more. Is this another way of sabotaging this and/or testing him?  Since I feel he accepts me completely perhaps I am looking for proof.

Perhaps I need to stop thinking too much.  I need to get out of my head sometimes. I need to change.  And on that note I want to talk about 2016.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”  – Gautama Buddha

In a way I am glad to see 2015 coming to an end.  It was a turbulent year.  Every new year holds so much promise.  It is up to me to make 2016 the best year ever.  I plan on making it amazing since it will be the year I am turning 50. ARGHHHH just so NOT happy about turning 50!!

I want to do 2016 is different! I want to be nice to myself in 2016!

What about if we (you and I) did everything different?  I want to stop using the same old excuses.  I want to stop hiding behind this excess weight, that no one is really paying any attention to, and it is bothering only me.  I want to forget about my past failures and continue trying.  Because the old boyfriend cheated, it doesn’t mean that this one will.  Because I had to give up all exercise for one year because of a hip injury it doesn’t mean that I cannot ever be completely healthy again.

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” – Albert Einstein

I want to take more chances.  I want to stop pressuring myself to be perfect and to accomplish so many things at once. All that this pressure has done is to leave me feeling like a failure.  I have done a lot and accomplished a lot and yet when I look back I see missed opportunities and areas where I could have done so much better.

I am not being fair to myself.  I want to be nice to myself.  I want to relax and enjoy the journey.  I know it is a cliche but I am so results driven that I need to have “Enjoy the journey” tattooed on my arm so I can be reminded every single moment.  If I am not getting results I think I am failing and that is not the point of life at all.  I know better.

How are you going to show up in 2016 and take ownership of your life? Are you going to stop letting others, media, internet, tv, friends and enemies dictate what you do and how do you feel about yourself? What is that one thing that scares you the most?  Just go ahead and do it!

Next time I see the boyfriend,well, tomorrow,  I think I will just take my clothes off and say: “This is it, take it or leave it!”  (stay tuned, I will let you know how that turns out…)

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” – Leo Tolstoy