Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

Hello from Brazil

08 Thursday Oct 2015

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“The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget you.” ― Nicholas Spark

I am right now in Brazil.  I arrived on October 3rd and will stay here until October 13th.
I left in the middle of the audit at work. I don’t feel right about leaving in the middle of things but I really needed a break.  My co-workers needed a break from me also.  This audit has been on-going for too long – a whole month!  We are a 15 person firm, to be audited by 5 people for one month feels just ridiculous, specially since we should not be audited;regulated in the first place.  I notifed the auditors of my trip and they said they will work around my schedule.  As of now I have heard nothing else, so I can only assume they are waiting for my return.

***

There are so many mixed feelings any time I am in Brazil. Things are so familiar and yet so foreign. I love coming and then I cannot wait to go back… go back to my routine, to the familiar.  Yet I know I am where I should be when at this moment. I need and want to spend time with my parents while I am blessed with their presence.  Who knows how long I will still have them for.

As many of you know I have an identical twin sister. We have lived in different countries for the past 30 years but we remain extremely close. Perhaps too close…
It is sad to say but sometimes I feel we get along better at a distance, just over the phone. When we are physically close we become even more critical of each other. I bite my tongue when I feel like saying something sometimes, and yet she feels all I do is criticize. I guess we will never agree on certain things.  We are both critical and sensitive, and that combination can be lethal to relationships.

It is so weird being so identical and yet so different. People often mix us up… it is funny. Right now we are at the exact same weight and hair lenght, and that has never happened before. So right at this moment we do feel identical more than ever.

***

I am, once again, giving up chocolate for 1 year.    I did that a couple of years ago and I decided to embark on that same journey again now. I wrote about  that experience here.  At that time I felt I was going to drown the sorrows of the break up in chocolate.  This time I felt that the stress and pressure of the audit was making me go crazy on chocolate.  So I decided to take a break from it.  I know what I really need to do is to take a break from sugar, but I am not ready for that yet.  I have gained weight and I hope being chocolate-free may help kick a couple of pounds to the curb.

I am still dating the doctor and this distance will be a good way to gauge how we feel about each other. For starters I question if we are really dating or this is just friendship.  I actually shouldn’t say ‘just’ a friendship, as I am in sort supply of friends and really valued them.  Whatever it is we are having I am enjoying it.  I miss his company and want to see him again. It is my hope he misses me too. He hasn’t said it, but then again he is not very upfront with his feelings.  Perhaps he doesn’t have anything to be upfront about it. It is very hard for me to just keep going without knowing where I stand.  I know this experience is great for me.  Growth!

I have finally gotten a physical.  I am happy to say that all is well with exception of needing some Vitamin D.  So now I am taking 2,000 milligrams per day until the levels get back to norma. Then I will take 1,000 as maintenance.

It is my hope that this time here in Brazil physically away from work and other issues serves to renew my resolve in many areas, such as my weight, my blog, my learning and growth.

Please pardon the typos… no time to edit it.

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.”  – Andy Warhol

Being aware and making the best of it

22 Tuesday Sep 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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This is a glimpse of my life right now.

Dating:  I have been seeing on and off the doctor I have mentioned on previous posts.  Am I dating him?  I have no clue, and that knowledge, or lack of it, drives me crazy.  I like certainties.  I like knowing where I stand.  I like being a priority and not merely an option.  But still this other side of me wants to be easy and carefree, wants to move as the wind blows, and wants not to worry too much about this guy or that guy.  I feel this push-pull thing with him.  It is like he wants me, he takes me out, then he doesn’t want me, he goes silent for a couple of days.

It is certainly a lesson for me.  It forces me to look at my needs versus my wants.  I have to look at my expectations and what is the type of relationship I want.

What do I really want? Am I okay with not knowing where I stand?

“We’re not dating,” Alec said again.
“Oh?” Magnus said. “So you’re just that friendly with everybody, is that it?” 
― Cassandra Clare

***

Old Energy converting into good: I have sold an old ring that my first boyfriend had given me.  I only got $800 for it, but I am so excited to be dedicating that money to make Christmas better for some kids in Brazil.  I already try to help out every Christmas, but having an extra $800 is awesome.

This idea of converting past energies in present and future goods is amazing and wonderful and so re-energizing.  What else around my house, that I have not been using or that perhaps have negative memories attached to them, that could be used for good?

I don’t like things laying around unused.  It is freeing not to be attached to things…now if I could only not get attached to people then I would definitely the master of my domain.

 “We only have what we give.” ― Isabel Allende

***

Scrutiny: This past week I have had auditors from a regulatory agency in our offices. It is a bit unnerving to have to answer questions and provide all kinds of documents. I do mostly everything in our small firm, so I am the point person and the one having to provide all the answers and documentation.

I feel stressed and have been having stomach pains.  I think it is an old nervous ulcer acting up again.

I am a control freak so not knowing exactly what the auditors are looking for, and trying to guess what other questions they will have is making me miserable.

I do my work well but what if there is something I didn’t even know it was a requirement?

I am looking at the bright side.  I welcome them looking things over and pointing out deficiencies.  We have been under those regulations since 2012 and since then I think I am following the rules, so this is a great opportunity to really find out how well I am doing and what needs improvement.

This is a good opportunity for me to realize that control is just an illusion.  Nothing is ever under my control.  The sooner I realize that, the sooner I incorporate that in my life the better.  But it is one of the many things I struggle with.

“The reason many people in our society are miserable, sick, and highly stressed is because of an unhealthy attachment to things they have no control over.”  – Steve Maraboli

***

Airhead.  It is incredible to realize that somebody like me that pays no attention to details is able to function in society and be so successful at work.

At work I deal with numbers as the main financial person.  I deal with insurance and other deadlines as I am the Human Resources person.  I am compliance; I am receivables, payables, etc.  I do it all and I do it well.

And then it comes to my day to day life.

Last night I showed up for a doctor’s appointment that is scheduled for next week.  Last week I went to the doctor at 8am for an appointment that was at 9:30am (this one in particular they called me the day before and left a message confirming it, I just hit erase at the beginning of the message, because I assumed I knew the time).

This is clearly an area that I need to work on. I assume a lot. I am impatient. I talk when I should be listening.

So much room for improvement…awareness is a great start.

“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.” ―George Bernard Shaw

Fun Labor Day, stressful week :-(

13 Sunday Sep 2015

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Labor Day Weekend seems like a long time ago now.  Mine was crazy busy and fun.  I had friends visiting.  This couple is one of those that makes marriage look easy and fun.  They have been married over 25 years.  It is always a joy to be around them.

On Friday night we had an awesome dinner at a tapas place in my town.

On Saturday we spent the day at the US Open Tennis and had soul food take out for dinner.

On Sunday we went to mass in the morning  (they go to mass every Sunday no matter where they are).  The mass seemed tailored to me as the priest talked about immigrants.  It was entertaining and interesting.  Unfortunately if something is not entertaining or interesting my mind will wander, it never did.  It had been at least 5 years since I had been to mass.  I enjoyed and may go back.

Here is the kicker:  Right after mass we go to see The Book of Mormon on Broadway.  I never watched South Park (the creators of SP were behind TBM) so I wasn’t sure what to expect.  I knew that it would be a little out there.  But I was shocked by the language and the humor at the expense of someone’s religion.  It was borderline offensive, but the laughter is non-stop.  At times I found myself thinking: “Should I be laughing at that”?    I seemed to have more problems with it than my very catholic friends.  At the end of the day one needs to be able to see the light side of things.  Humor is important and necessary.

At the end of the weekend I realize how truly blessed I am!  Life is good, beautiful and bountiful!

“It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.”  – G.K. Chesterton

On Monday I had a date with the doctor – we are seeing each other again.  I will write about in my next post.

The date helped to take my mind away from an upcoming audit at work.  It is unnerving to be providing tons of documents to 5 people so then they can come and poke around our offices and ask for documents and ask many questions.   This is our first audit by a regulatory Agency so we are not sure what to expect, specially since even the auditors seem to be confused as what regulations apply to our specific business.

The control freak in me is going nuts.  Am I doing things correctly?  What are they looking for? Will I have all the answers?  Will my answers be sufficient?  I would hate to appear unprepared, incapable and inefficient.

I am trying to be in the moment, taking a breath, enjoying now.  Let go and let God!

“You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.” ― Steve Maraboli

 

A baby made me cry

26 Wednesday Aug 2015

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*“Talk not of wasted affection; affection never was wasted.” 

There is this one guy, I will call him J., I wrote about him before. We met in the train while commuting to work several years ago.  There was an immediate attraction, so we enjoyed many flirtatious train trips.  I didn’t have a boyfriend but he was married.  We didn’t want drama, so it ended before it began.  It became a friendship.  (yeah, yeah, I shouldn’t have been flirting with a married man to begin with, I am a shameless flirt, but I am older and wiser now) We kept in touch on and off. Years later when he got divorced he called me and asked me out for a drink to catch up, but at the time I was living with EX and I didn’t think it was a good idea so I declined. He understood.

After EX and I broke up J. and I met up again but by this time he was seeing someone else. Soon after that he got married.  I was a tad surprised by the marriage as I didn’t expect someone to get married so soon after a crazy divorce.  Not everyone feels they have to spend time mourning the demise of a relationship like I do.

*Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing, only a signal shown, and a distant voice in the darkness; So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another, only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence.

Fast forward to today.  I saw he had a new picture on LinkedIn and sent a quick note saying I like the picture and saying I hoped he was well.  After a couple of replies he tells me that there has been some personal changes, and I guessed, correctly, that he had become a father again, after all, as they say, after marriage comes baby and carriage.

I am very happy for him.  A new baby is always a good thing.  Immediately I realized that tears were welling up in my eyes.   Why am I getting emotional?  Having a baby was never a dream of mine.  I didn’t grow up dreaming of marriage and kids.  But still, somehow, there is this poetic sadness in my heart.  That could have been my life; that could have been my baby.  I think of the irony of timing and space.   Perhaps if we both had managed to meet up when we didn’t have other people in our lives, perhaps, perhaps…

At times I like the idea of a baby, I even long for one, but having a baby is no longer an option, it is not longer up to me…that ship has sailed.  It would be awesome to have that choice forever.  There are always options, I affirm to myself.

*“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” 

Reality is that J. and I would never be a great long lasting match.  There was chemistry and mutual admiration but that wouldn’t be enough to sustain it.  We would be great partners in some project but not in love.  My sadness over “what if” is unwarranted.  If we were meant to be and if I really liked him and he liked me we would have made it happen.

Stubbornly tears fall, and yet through tears I realize how awesome my life is and how I would not have it any other way.  God has a plan and I trust in that!  I am where I should be, baby-less, husband-less, but content, blessed and grateful!

I am blaming a poor baby for the tears in my eyes and the pain in my heart, but he is not the whole reason behind the tears.  It has been an emotional day.  As soon as I got to work I got a call that my mother was in the emergency room with chest pains.  She is fine now; it was just a false alarm.  But that was enough of a reminder of how far, geographically, I am from my family.  I am reminded that one day I will get a phone call that will cut me like a knife, what will I do then?  A feeling of powerlessness invades me and tears threaten to fall.  I let them.  There is nothing I can do but pray for a peaceful heart and mind.

*“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” 

*All quotes by  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

A little about me, but it is not all about me!

22 Saturday Aug 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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DATING

I am happy to report that I haven’t heard from any of those 2 crazy dates I had.  I have exchanged texts with that doctor I had 3 greats dates with, but it went nowhere.  I really don’t understand what happened as everything was always great and, even in text, we always have so much to talk about.  I thought the worst that could happen was that we could have been amazing friends.  Oh well, I am not going to lose any sleep over that and I will trust the Universe’s decision.

I have had dates with 2 seemingly normal guys.   One was with an IT guy that travels a lot for business.  He texts me every now and then.  It seems he is waiting for me to ask him out (he will have to wait a real long time).  The other was with this guy that has a Heating/Cooling business.  He talked about hanging out on Sunday (tomorrow).  I said I would call him about it, but since there is no real chemistry I don’t feel like wasting his or my time on a second date. I will leave space for him and I to find the right people.

“Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.” ― Steve Maraboli

***

WORK

Right now I am going a bit nuts with setting up offices in TX, IL and FL.  We hired 3 employees that don’t want to move to NY, so even if it is just for one or 20 employees I still have to go through the trouble with filling paperwork for a myriad of things, such a new leases and new unemployment accounts.  Hopefully these new hiring will be successful.  Our tries at expanding before weren’t successful, we are still trying to recover from those losses. My boss is an Aries like me, so he is a go-getter, adventurous and not afraid of taking a chance.  We shall see what will happen.  For now I am being positive and doing my part to help it be successful.

“Without ambition one starts nothing. Without work one finishes nothing. The prize will not be sent to you. You have to win it.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

***

DOCTORS

I decided to pay a little more attention to my health as I have been lax on that.  I haven’t gotten a physical in 2 years, but I am faithful to my OBGYB.  This year I got a bit scared as she detected a little cyst.  For a second I saw my life flashing before my eyes.   For now we decided not to do anything about it, just take a wait and see approach.  It was a good wake up call to think about health instead of vanity.

The eye doctor graduated my prescription (as I knew he would).  I scheduled a physical with a new doctor. She is a geriatric doctor and has great reviews so I am excited.  Next I am thinking of going to an Allergist to check on my shellfish allergy, do I really have it?  I hope to get that question answered.  I also want to get to a dermatologist, and I am also thinking about seeing a hypnotist.  Can he/she help me with my sugar/bread addiction?  I am saving my recurring hip issues for last as I know that I will have to dedicate a lot to that.

And as I am thinking more about getting healthier I am getting even crazier about sugar and carbs.  That is all I want to eat. 😦

“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.” ― Hippocrates

***

THE WORLD AROUND

I just watched a documentary called “On The Way to School”.  While I believe that the filmmakers could have done so much more with the topic, I am in love with the message. It reminds me so much of my childhood, not that we were that poor or that far from schools. But of how hungry my sister and I were for knowledge and of how my parents (that have only gone to third grade) always believed that education was key. We didn’t have access to books but we would read anything we got our hands on, from the writing on food can labels to Walt Disney’s comics that we were lucky enough to borrow from a vendor in a flea market.

I think every school child, well actually everyone, should be required to watch it.  It would perhaps instill in them the appreciation and gratitude for the opportunity to attend school, among other opportunities.  Everyone can benefit from seeing how some people in other parts of the world live (I am aware that there are people living in poverty in the US also).  I feel kids (and adults too) nowadays take everything for granted. There is so much available, that things lose their value.  Even though there are many problems with education in the US, what I see is that the opportunity is there for those that are willing to put in the work.

“We come into this world with nothing and we leave with nothing, we must follow that logic”  this line is said by one of the children featured in the documentary.  How incredibly wise! It is an amazing powerful phrase that makes me think about our purpose here; and how much material stuff we really need to live on.  Are we focusing on the right things?  Or along the way we got lost and all of a sudden to have the latest fashion is the most important thing in the world?

There are many messages in this film but to me they are:

  • Stop craving more and learn to live with less (material stuff)
  • Be grateful for everything and act as such
  • Don’t take things for granted, pay attention to what you have
  • It is not always about me, there is more to live than me and my apartment
  • It is about “we” as a world that needs to take care of each other and specially our children
  • Be respectful of people’s culture, and see beauty in the differences
  • Happiness is a choice, is a smile.  Happiness is hope!

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” ― Epicurus

Fast car, Slow speech, Cheap date: No Future!

14 Friday Aug 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“By seeking and blundering we learn.” ― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

This is how I ended my last post (when mentioning a date for that night):

“He is a well respected children’s librarian.  How bad can he be?  Don’t answer that! Lol”

Well, the answer is:  It was really good and then really bad!

It is amazing how it can go from great to insane in one day.

At his insistence we went to a very expensive restaurant in New York City.  I mentioned it was not necessary and that he should choose a less expensive place, but he insisted and said that I could pay for the drinks if it would make me feel better about it.  I agreed.

We spent over 2 hours at the restaurant.  Conversation flowed.  He seemed honest and caring.  At the end of the evening I felt so comfortable with him that I accepted his offer to drive me home.  It was out of his way but he said it would give us a chance to talk more.  I think he wanted to show off his car, a brand new Porsche Macan.  While I don’t care about material things, especially cars, I couldn’t help but love the red leather interior.  I love red leather anything!

The drive home was fast and fun.  He held my hand and it felt natural and comfortable. It all seemed just perfect. When we got to my building he walked me to the entrance and kissed me on the cheek. Ten minutes later he called me from the car to say that he would like to see me again.  He also asked me to give him one month to get to know him; he asked that I did not date other people during that one month so that he would have my undivided attention.  I said I would think about it, but, really, I was okay with that.

I was very excited about this date.  He seemed very smart, with good job that he loved, a respected professional, handsome (which is surprising because I normally don’t go for handsome).  I saw and felt potential.

The next day (Friday) he texted me to say he really enjoyed meeting me the night before and to invite me to go hiking on Sunday.  I loved the idea! I said I would call him after work to discuss the details.

I called him around 7pm.  What happened next is very hard to find the words to describe:  The phone rang, he picked up but there was no Hello, there was what it seemed like a conversation in a very slurred voice going on in the background.  At first I thought that perhaps he didn’t realize he answered the phone and the TV was on.  I kept listening and trying to make sense of whatever I was hearing, which seemed to be a far away mumbling voice.  After awhile I said hello again, a bit louder and firmer this time.  Then I heard something like:  I am fine but just feeling a bit discombobulated.  I said: excuse?  At this point I told him that I thought something was wrong with my phone and asked him to speak louder.  He did speak louder and now there was a bit less slurring, but instead of having a conversation he immediately launched into a monologue about Winston Churchill and the war.  He kept talking and talking, and I was thinking to myself, is this guy drunk or on drugs, and how I can get out of this.

At this point I knew in my gut that there was no future in this relationship. Well I actually knew it when he first picked up the phone.

Finally I was able to get a break in the monologue and I asked: Is this a book you are reading?  He said it was a documentary.  After he talked about Churchill some more, I asked another question and we actually started having a conversation.

As time went on, his speech seemed to get better. After telling me how he enjoyed meeting me, he started talking about this one month of dating that he had in mind.  He said: “We need to talk about the dates.  If we are seeing each other for one month, about 2 dates a week that will be at least 8 dates, how do you want to do it?”

Even though I had already decided not to see him again, I asked:  Do what?  He then says:  “Who pays for what?  I pay for one date, you pay for the next?”

I was floored!  I don’t mind paying for things, but for a man to ask something like that after one date it seems in very poor taste.  If he cannot afford a second date, then he shouldn’t be dating.  I said I had never been asked that before so I didn’t know what to say.   He went on and on how that was the fair thing to do and it is best to get money issues out of the way.  He said I am his first date in over 2 ½ years and that the previous girlfriend spent over 10K of his money.

There was a lot conversation about money and dating, with him trying to make me understand where he was coming from and with me telling him that I was not his ex-girlfriend.  At one point I offered to write him a check for my part of the dinner the night before.  I also reminded him that I didn’t want to go to an expensive place in the first place (to which he said he wanted it to be memorable and wanted it to become “our” place).  I also reminded him that I had gladly paid for the drinks.

At some point he started backpedaling and telling me to forget about this issue of paying for dates.  He said that we should just meet and see where it goes. I told him I was going to think about it all and call him in the morning.  I already knew where I stood but I knew that he would continue to try to convince me otherwise.  We said good bye and hung up, but 10 minutes later he started texting me.  One of the many things that he mentioned in the texts was that he would pack sandwiches of peanut butter and jelly for Sunday so that we wouldn’t have to worry about paying for lunch.  I told him that he was missing the point.  To get him to stop with the texting I again said he needed to give me time to think about it.

Finally when he continues with the texting I just tell him the answer is no.  No to the hiking and no to seeing him again. Then he starts calling me.  I didn’t answer.   On the 4th call he left me a voice mail breaking up with me.   Yes, he broke up with me! 🙂

I have never been so relieved about being broken up with! He said I have issues with money, and that even though I was a great person and he would love to see me again, the money issues were too much. He went on and on about both, how great I am and how I have issues with money.

I don’t want to go in detail to protect his privacy but he had mentioned needing to go to therapy and taking antidepressants at some point in the past.  I was a bit alarmed by that but I appreciated his honesty and openness.  I also liked that he gotten help when he needed.  I am now assuming he is still taking antidepressants and perhaps on Friday, his day off from work, he took one too many.   Whatever the issue maybe I feel sorry for him because it seems he definitely has an issue that needs to be addressed.   I also feel that even though he seems like he is taking steps to protect himself, he seems primed to be taken advantage of again.

After being spoiled with mostly normal to great online dates I now have had 2 doozies.  They both had issues that I am not willing to handle.  I am feeling so blessed that I got to discover those issues right away, before I started trusting and liking them and let my guard down.

Perhaps I am the one with issues as I am still not giving up online dating.  More mistakes made.  More lessons learned.  More stories to tell and write about.

“Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one’s mistakes.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

***

On a good note, I am right now waiting for delivery of my new mattress. Yippie!!!  All I need now is the boyfriend! 🙂

Blessed with a Star on the Forehead: Not just a name, a belief and a way of life!

31 Friday Jul 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I am exhausted from hosting my brother and his girlfriend for 3 weeks.  I need a vacation from their vacation.  It was fun and I got to do a lot of touristy stuff, but happy to have my solitude back!

“Visits always give pleasure–if not the arrival, the departure.” ― Portuguese Proverb

An update on my date (the doctor) from the previous posts:  He texted a couple of Sundays ago asking me if I was free.  I said I was going to be free after my brother left on the 29th.  We texted back and forth and also spoke on the phone that day, but I heard nothing since then.  When I asked him why he went silent the first time he said: “You could have called also”.  When he asked if that answered my question I said no, he then said:  “Women need to understand that men are insecure too!” I don’t understand how my honesty and telling a man I like his company would make him feel insecure.  I realize I need to date a man that is not insecure, but we can still be friends and I did enjoy all our conversations. His silence now doesn’t bother me at all, so I think I will text him to wish him a nice weekend.  It is amazing how different things feel when you take the emotional investment out of it.  When you feel you have nothing to lose you take more chances. With more chances there is more to gain.

“A man’s spirit is free, but his pride binds him with chains of suffocation in a prison of his own insecurities” -― Jeremy Aldana

***

I received an email asking me about the meaning of “a star on the forehead”.  So I decided to write here a brief summary about it.

I arrived in the US on November 9, 1984 at the naïve age of 17 years old.  I was clueless as to what awaited for me. I was full of dreams and totally fearless (it is easy when you have no clue at all that could have gone wrong).  At that point in time Brazilians would come to NY to work for a year or two and make enough money to buy a house or start a business. Looking back I am not sure what my plans/goals/dreams were but I knew 2 things:  1) No matter what I would not go back to Brazil a failure and 2) I would not give any reasons for my family to worry about me (so I never complained and never told them the truth of how incredibly hard and difficult my beginning here really was).

I will leave all the details of eventually finding work and creating a life for me here for a future post.

On Sundays I used to meet an old acquaintance from Brazil.  On this particular day she was going to the Bronx to a fortune teller, so I tagged along.  Even though I always enjoyed that type of stuff I had no money to spare so I was not going to get my fortune read/told.

We get to this very poor decrepit area in the Bronx, go to this one house and proceed to wait in this waiting area.  A woman comes out and calls my friend’s name and we go in.

There was this very large man sitting on a rug or a very thin mattress.  For some reason I was expecting the fortune teller to be a woman.   He was very heavy, it seemed that his body spilled over and it became one with this mattress/rug.  As soon as we entered the room, he man covered his eyes with one hand as if attempting to shield the glare of the sun.  He pointed to me and said: “You, don’t sit down! I am not wasting my time with you.  You have a star on the forehead!  You will have everything you want, school, work, money, anything.  Anything you want will be yours; you will just have to want it.  That is all you need to know!”

And that was all I ever needed to know.

I just moved away and my friend sat in front of him and he read her fortune.  I am not even sure if he used cards or what he did.  His words were swimming in my head the whole time as he was giving her some bad news.

Even though he spoke in Spanish (he was Puerto Rican) I was able to understand exactly what he meant.  My friend later reiterated the same thing, so there is no doubt.  At that point was not even about what he really said but about what I heard and how I felt.  I would be lying if I said that it didn’t affect me.  It affected my entire life and still does.  I took that as a sign that I was specially blessed. I held on to that at all times and still do.   To me it was a sign that my work was going to pay off and the hardships and pains were simply bumps in the road.  That was exactly what I needed to hear at that difficult time.

Since then I go through life thinking I am special.  Don’t get me wrong, I do think we are all special and we all should focus on our blessings and be more positive. There is nothing to be gained or accomplished by feeling like victims and being pessimistic.  So why not smile more, walk taller and know you are blessed?  I often say that we are all blessed, but the only difference is that I know it and recognize it and some people are totally ignorant to it.

Today, 30 years later I have an amazing life. I call it amazing, but it is simple, no frills, I just love the fact that I can afford my parents anything they need/want.  Nothing was handed to me freely and easily.  Everything I have I achieved on my own, with my own hard work and perseverance.  I have been blessed with the opportunities and skills and have made the most of it.  I have been blessed with the certainty of a Superior Power that watches over me and has my back.  Nothing can cause me harm!

I plan on one day writing in detail all I went thorough in the past 30 years.  From the very tough early days,  the trials, tribulations, the laughter and the fun.  I don’t feel ready to write it yet.

I believe anyone can have whatever they set their hearts on.  I believe that if I don’t have something I want,  it is because 1) it is not the right timing or 2)I don’t want it bad enough and therefore I am not working hard to get it.

And that is how I came up with the name of my blog.

“In the difficult moments believe in yourself.  Believe that you are whole, perfect, powerful, and blessed.” ― Debasish Mridha

Being nice, easy and going with the flow!

16 Thursday Jul 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” ― Marcel Proust

Busy and Exhausted! That is my status.  Happy too, of course, always happy!   My brother and his girlfriend arrived from Brazil on Friday to spend 20 days.  This is their first time here and they don’t speak a word of English so they rely on me for everything.  On Saturday we went to Woodbury Commons Premium Outlets.  They loved it.  Things such as brand name tennis shoes are very expensive in Brazil so when Brazilians get here they go crazy with the prices and variety of styles.  On Sunday we went to the Statue of Liberty and to the One World Trade Center.  I have never been to either one so it was a great experience.  Being an immigrant myself the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island have an even greater meaning.  At the September 11 Memorial it was profoundly sad to see the names of people I knew personally.  It reminds me to tell people how much they mean to me when I have a chance to because the next moment is never a guarantee.  I will write a future post on 9/11.

There will be much more sightseeing and shopping in store in the next 2 weeks.  Tonight we are going to see The Phantom of The Opera.  This weekend we will probably visit the Museum of Natural History and Central Park, or perhaps we will go to Washington, DC, we are still deciding.  Well I am still deciding.

I was looking forward to spending some quality time with my brother.  I see him every time I go to Brazil but normally he is not the center of attention, it is all either about my Dad, Mom or my twin sister. At any rate it looks like it will not happen here either.  The girlfriend doesn’t leave his side for 5 seconds.  Even to take pictures, it is a tad annoying at times.

***

“Let yourself be open and life will be easier. A spoon of salt in a glass of water makes the water undrinkable. A spoon of salt in a lake is almost unnoticed.” ― Buddha Siddhartha Guatama Shakyamuni

Last weekend I got a call from a cousin that had come to the US to take care of some business here.  I knew he was coming but was told that he was going to stay with friends.  He called me to say hello and he seemed unsure of where he was going to stay so I offered for him to stay at my apartment.  He was supposed to travel back to Brazil on the day that my brother was arriving so it seemed perfect.

It turned out that he had to stay longer.  When I realized that I was going to have 3 people in my apartment I started stressing out.  I started missing my solitude, my privacy, my organized environment.  Then I decided to relax, embrace the uncertainty and go with the flow.  It is amazing that when you just surrender and go with the flow the Universe just takes care of everything and all just works out.

It turned out that having my cousin here this week was a blessing in disguise.  I have been able to work the entire week while my cousin takes them around.  My car is only a 2-seater, so I was stressing out about transportation but for this week I didn’t need to worry about that.

Last night I took everyone to a Japanese Steakhouse to thank him for his help.  Everyone loved it!

“To be happy, make others happy.” ― Stephen Richards

***

An Update on Mr. Almost Perfect for Me (the guy from the last 2 posts)

To recap: I texted him and he replied saying that he was going to call me in the next couple of days.  The following evening he called.  I didn’t see the missed call until much later.  Honestly I am not sure if had I seen the call I would have picked it up.  He left a message saying:  Hi It is ____ I hope you are well, I Just called to say hi.

I didn’t call back, but today, a week later, I changed my mind and sent a quick text saying that I had gotten his message.  We exchanged a few pleasant texts.  I am keeping the lines of communications open.

“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” ― George Bernard Shaw

I don’t foresee any romance as I am not interested in that anymore (with him).  The moment he was silent it seemed that the magic was broken.   I felt disrespected.  I felt I deserved the courtesy of communication.  I know that feelings sometimes betray us and sometimes they are not even factual but until I learn to ignore my feelings that is what I am going by.   They say “it is not what happens to us but how we deal with it”, I believe that a lot times is not what happens to us but how we feel about it.  So I need to look inwards and find the reason why I feel the way I feel sometimes.  I do go overboard sometimes.

Still I see progress.  I realized the need to keep all my feelings in check.  I need to continue to exercise “non-reaction” – take some time to think before reacting.  I am finding a middle ground.  I am loving and respecting myself not to bend backwards to please someone anymore while also not being so hard and shortsighted as to shut somebody down without giving them and myself a fair chance.  I am willing to be his friends, to listen and to learn.  How I felt about how intelligent and inspiring he is hasn’t changed even if I didn’t agree with his attitude.  I am not perfect either, and that is why I am still here, to learn, to get better, to fall, to get up, to try again.

I am also being more aware of my behavior, feelings and expectations.  The moment I saw someone with, what I thought were, the same exact ideas I have about life I immediately started seeing a future with that person…to much too soon…too many expectations.  No matter how many times I try to tell myself I have no expectations I do have them and of course they often lead to disappointment.  I was perhaps a tad too open, too revealing, too excited.  Holding back is good!

I am remaining open to what the Universe has in store for me.  Freedom will be my new word! I will continue giving people freedom to come and go from my life, and giving myself the freedom to make mistakes.  Freedom is when I no longer take other’s action so personally and so painfully. (It looks like I need to read The Four Agreements again)

“Freedom is more than just a patriotic concept; it is the purest intent of our design. Be you. Be free. Be nice.”― Steve Maraboli

Update on the previous post: He is alive and well, he was just ghosting me!

08 Wednesday Jul 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe

I texted him.

I didn’t text to find out why he disappeared but to say things I wanted to say. I don’t like feeling I left things unsaid.  I also have been making a point of letting people know any time they have a positive impact in my life.

I had meant to talk to him about a couple of things next time I saw him (before he chose silence I thought we would continue to date and even grow closer).  I wanted to discuss my stupid question in the middle of the kiss (I asked: Are you dating other people?).  I also wanted to talk to him about how hot things got in my apartment and how to handle things next time (we both had talked about wanting a more meaningful sex life and not just a lustful act).

Here is what I texted: “By your silence I know where you stand on seeing me again. I was waiting when I saw you next to tell you a couple of things but since that doesn’t seem likely I will tell you here and now.  I am sorry I put you in an awkward position last time we were together.  My excitement and impulsiveness got the best of me, still that is not an excuse, so I am sorry.  Also, thank you for inspiring me!

I felt great about saying what I wanted to say and really didn’t expect or even wanted a reply.  Hours later he texted:

“Nice to hear from you.  I thank you for your text message but please do keep in mind that I have just as much responsibility for what transpired.  I’d like to chat with you. I will give you a call in the next couple of days if that is OK with you.  I hope you are having a great day.”

“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.”
― Lyndon B. Johnson

Is he feeling guilty or bad about coming into my apartment and things getting hotter than we anticipated?  Well, even though it would probably have been better not to have invited him in I don’t regret it!  First, we didn’t have sex and second I am almost 50 and he is 55, we are not kids.  Going forward we could still take things slow.  So I fail to see the problem.

Whatever his feelings were he should have given me the courtesy of talking to me about it and not just going silent.  I didn’t reply to his text and say it was okay for him to call me in a couple of days.  That is 2 days longer than I want to talk about this subject.  At this point it just feels silly. We are done, talking about it any longer feels like beating a dead horse.

I appreciated him coming into my life and motivating me to do more, read more and experience more, but I expected a better treatment from such a spiritual, well traveled, well educated, well read person, mature person.  In only 3 dates we had talked about everything.  We didn’t talk about the usual.  All our conversations were deep and meaningful, so his silence was not only strange, it was hurtful.  Giving me the silence treatment was the worst thing he could have done to me and it is not the way I want to be treated.

“You will never change what you tolerate.” ― Joel Osteen

***

Did you guys ever hear the term “Ghosting”?  It seems that there is now a word to describe the silence and disappearance of someone you are dating.  So it seems he was ghosting me!

His silence is deafening!

06 Monday Jul 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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I hope you all had a wonderful 4th of July!  I went to see the fireworks from Roosevelt Island in New York.  It wasn’t that great since we had only a partial view.  It turns out that to get in the better viewing area of the park you had to get tickets in advance.  It was a nice evening and we had a great time anyway. I remembered to be grateful and thankful for all the freedoms I enjoy,did you? 🙂

“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.” 

I have to update you guys on the guy I had 3 dates with.  It sounded so promising, I was so excited and then my bubble burst.  I could go on and on analyzing this for days, actually for months, but I will spare you and me all of that. So please just allow me to analyze this for this post.

After the exchange of texts on Tuesday he texted me on Thursday to wish me a happy day.  After a couple of back and forth texts that day, he went silent.  Silence can be so loud some times.  This time it screams: “I am not that into you ”  Ouch!  That is not what I wanted to hear.  That is not what I was expecting after the deep connection we had.  I know he liked me a lot and that is why the silence is so confusing.

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.”

I am guessing his texting me a few times after the last date was just a way of letting me down easy, which I find kind of insulting.  He seemed so upfront that I expected a more direct approach then silence.   I know it has only been only 4 days since I last heard from him, but when someone is in touch every day this speaks volumes.  Plus this feeling inside of me pretty much tells me it is over before it began.  This is disappointing because I really enjoyed his mind and was hoping that we could be friends even if romance didn’t materialize.

“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.”

I can’t help but feel a little crushed but this is, yet again, a learning opportunity.

  • I am learning that I should relax and take dating for what it is. It is a getting to know each other dance. Some people are upfront, some people play games and some people are just inept.
  • Don’t assume anything.  Just because all the signs point to a great connection it doesn’t mean that there really is one, and it doesn’t mean the other person is feeling the same way.
  • Not all that glitters is gold.  He seemed amazing, so I raised my expectations and it turns out he is great but still as flawed as everyone else.
  • Don’t expect people to act how you would, or how you think they should – that only leads to disappointment.  I would have been upfront instead of quietly going away.
  • Don’t take anything personally. His silence doesn’t mean I did anything wrong, or that there is anything wrong with me.  He has his reasons.
  • You don’t have to understand the situation, you just need to accept and respect. I am confused because I know there was a connection.  But I know better than to call and ask what happened. I accept, respect and move on.
  • Enjoy the moment, be fully present and don’t get caught up in dreaming a future or bringing up the past.

Here is the best part of this whole thing:  I am able to recognize the blessing and move on.  His arrival was a blessing.  His silence is a blessing.  It is amazing how peaceful I become when I choose to accept everything as a blessing.

“When someone leaves, it’s because someone else is about to arrive.”

Don’t get me wrong, I would have loved it if he had called and if we had continued seeing each other. And perhaps he will still call, but his few texts and then silence only mean one thing:  He is just not interested.   I also know how I should and deserve to be treated and long periods of silence are not acceptable.  His silence gave me space and time to see things clearly and he is not who I thought he was.  So at this point even if he contacts me I am no longer interested in romance, I can still be friends but the flames of potential love have been put out by his careless manner and attitude.

I thank him for showing me his disinterest early on and leaving room so that the right one can come in.   I am glad I get to find out now and not later, before more heart, time and energy is invested.

“No one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it”

I have grown so much in the last 4 years.  The way I am feeling and dealing with this silence is a great proof of it.  I haven’t been excited about somebody as much as this person in a real long time, many years in fact.  So there was a twinge of sadness and pain at the silence, but it was momentary; I no longer linger in pain, sadness and what ifs.

I have learned to accept that people will come and go from my life.  That knowledge gives me peace when they choose to leave.  It means that whatever their mission, whatever the lesson they had for me it is done.  I thank them and I let it go.  I love leaving the door wide open.  Stay if you want, go if you must!

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”

I have to give him credit for being a motivator in my own personal growth journey, even without knowing.  Since I have met him I have started to read more and have already finished 2 books that had long been sitting in the shelf.  The same way I decided to be more open and give people a chance I decided to give all the books sitting in my bookcase a chance (no more reading just the first couple pages and putting it aside).  I am also looking into some workshops to take in the future.

He came to:

1) To motivate me to continue to search for growth, especially spiritually. He was so spiritual and intelligent it was inspiring.

2) To make me believe that guys that are intelligent, spiritual, optimist, humble, grateful, open minded, interested in personal growth and traveling the world do indeed exist.  He was one and I am sure there are others.

3) To show me that I can get excited about a guy the same way I got excited about ex.  It had been a long time and I thought I would never have such feelings again.  He awoke certain dormant feelings.

“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.”

Instead of being discouraged and defeated I am totally the opposite, I am motivated, pumped and eager.  He has only strengthened my resolve to find someone.  Meeting him just tells me that I am getting closer to the one.  It may take a while and hard work, but I never wanted easy anyway, I am willing to work for that amazing love.  Finding the One is not easy; I don’t expect it to be.  Nothing easy is worth having anyway.  For that one chance to have that magical fairy tale I am willing to keep trying and willing to lay my heart on the line every time.

“I can choose either to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It’s all a question of how I view my life.”

As far as how I behaved and how fast I took things I will try to slow down next time, even though I don’t think that I did anything wrong.  He is gone not because I did anything wrong but because of his own reasons.  He is also gone because even thought I thought he was good for me the Universe has someone better in mind.  Who am I to argue with the Universe?

 “None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, yet still we go forward. Because we trust. Because we have Faith.”

At the end of the day this is dating, I just need to get better at navigating it.  But still I will continue getting excited about people and I will continue being upfront because that is my essence.

In Brazil we joke that men (women) are like buses, you lose (miss) one but there is always another one around the corner.  Next!

* All quotes are by Paulo Coelho