I am exhausted from hosting my brother and his girlfriend for 3 weeks. I need a vacation from their vacation. It was fun and I got to do a lot of touristy stuff, but happy to have my solitude back!
“Visits always give pleasure–if not the arrival, the departure.” ― Portuguese Proverb
An update on my date (the doctor) from the previous posts: He texted a couple of Sundays ago asking me if I was free. I said I was going to be free after my brother left on the 29th. We texted back and forth and also spoke on the phone that day, but I heard nothing since then. When I asked him why he went silent the first time he said: “You could have called also”. When he asked if that answered my question I said no, he then said: “Women need to understand that men are insecure too!” I don’t understand how my honesty and telling a man I like his company would make him feel insecure. I realize I need to date a man that is not insecure, but we can still be friends and I did enjoy all our conversations. His silence now doesn’t bother me at all, so I think I will text him to wish him a nice weekend. It is amazing how different things feel when you take the emotional investment out of it. When you feel you have nothing to lose you take more chances. With more chances there is more to gain.
“A man’s spirit is free, but his pride binds him with chains of suffocation in a prison of his own insecurities” -― Jeremy Aldana
I received an email asking me about the meaning of “a star on the forehead”. So I decided to write here a brief summary about it.
I arrived in the US on November 9, 1984 at the naïve age of 17 years old. I was clueless as to what awaited for me. I was full of dreams and totally fearless (it is easy when you have no clue at all that could have gone wrong). At that point in time Brazilians would come to NY to work for a year or two and make enough money to buy a house or start a business. Looking back I am not sure what my plans/goals/dreams were but I knew 2 things: 1) No matter what I would not go back to Brazil a failure and 2) I would not give any reasons for my family to worry about me (so I never complained and never told them the truth of how incredibly hard and difficult my beginning here really was).
I will leave all the details of eventually finding work and creating a life for me here for a future post.
On Sundays I used to meet an old acquaintance from Brazil. On this particular day she was going to the Bronx to a fortune teller, so I tagged along. Even though I always enjoyed that type of stuff I had no money to spare so I was not going to get my fortune read/told.
We get to this very poor decrepit area in the Bronx, go to this one house and proceed to wait in this waiting area. A woman comes out and calls my friend’s name and we go in.
There was this very large man sitting on a rug or a very thin mattress. For some reason I was expecting the fortune teller to be a woman. He was very heavy, it seemed that his body spilled over and it became one with this mattress/rug. As soon as we entered the room, he man covered his eyes with one hand as if attempting to shield the glare of the sun. He pointed to me and said: “You, don’t sit down! I am not wasting my time with you. You have a star on the forehead! You will have everything you want, school, work, money, anything. Anything you want will be yours; you will just have to want it. That is all you need to know!”
And that was all I ever needed to know.
I just moved away and my friend sat in front of him and he read her fortune. I am not even sure if he used cards or what he did. His words were swimming in my head the whole time as he was giving her some bad news.
Even though he spoke in Spanish (he was Puerto Rican) I was able to understand exactly what he meant. My friend later reiterated the same thing, so there is no doubt. At that point was not even about what he really said but about what I heard and how I felt. I would be lying if I said that it didn’t affect me. It affected my entire life and still does. I took that as a sign that I was specially blessed. I held on to that at all times and still do. To me it was a sign that my work was going to pay off and the hardships and pains were simply bumps in the road. That was exactly what I needed to hear at that difficult time.
Since then I go through life thinking I am special. Don’t get me wrong, I do think we are all special and we all should focus on our blessings and be more positive. There is nothing to be gained or accomplished by feeling like victims and being pessimistic. So why not smile more, walk taller and know you are blessed? I often say that we are all blessed, but the only difference is that I know it and recognize it and some people are totally ignorant to it.
Today, 30 years later I have an amazing life. I call it amazing, but it is simple, no frills, I just love the fact that I can afford my parents anything they need/want. Nothing was handed to me freely and easily. Everything I have I achieved on my own, with my own hard work and perseverance. I have been blessed with the opportunities and skills and have made the most of it. I have been blessed with the certainty of a Superior Power that watches over me and has my back. Nothing can cause me harm!
I plan on one day writing in detail all I went thorough in the past 30 years. From the very tough early days, the trials, tribulations, the laughter and the fun. I don’t feel ready to write it yet.
I believe anyone can have whatever they set their hearts on. I believe that if I don’t have something I want, it is because 1) it is not the right timing or 2)I don’t want it bad enough and therefore I am not working hard to get it.
And that is how I came up with the name of my blog.
“In the difficult moments believe in yourself. Believe that you are whole, perfect, powerful, and blessed.” ― Debasish Mridha