Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

Remembering to breathe and be grateful above all things!

06 Wednesday Jan 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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On the way to NC a stop at VA

On the way to NC a stop at VA

So much to write, so little time and inclination… please forgive me, and on that note:

I am sorry!  Please forgive me!  I love you!  Thank you!  In 2016 I am going for soul cleaning and more forgiveness (Ho’oponopono)

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.”  – Ralph Waldo Emerson

The boyfriend and I survived the road trip.  It took 12 hours to get to North Carolina and 10 hours to return to New York.  On the way there I found out that the house we were staying at also contained 2 snakes.  I went crazy.  I was mad.  I cried.  I told him that I would never have agreed to come on this trip had I known this before.   I thought it was very insensitive of him to forget that my number 1 fear is snakes and also that his friend had them.  He suggested we stay in a hotel but at point I decided that as long as the snakes stayed in a locked room I would try to make it.  I am glad to tell you I did it. It is behind us now, but next time I am choosing to stay in a hotel, not only because of the snakes but for various reasons.

I am trying to take this relationship, and life, one day at a time, but I keep predicting doom (I tell him that).  At the moment my problem is with his social awkwardness.  He gets nervous and the third grade jokes appear and it annoys me immensely (and I tell him that).  For now he still finds my brutal honesty charming, but I don’t think that feeling will last.

He took me out on New Years Eve and I was so moody I could barely stand myself.  I feel my hormones are out of control.  I warned him about PMS.  But it seems every day is PMS lately. Or am I just testing him?  How much can he put up with?  Does he like me enough?  Do I like me enough?

“I promise you nothing is as chaotic as it seems. Nothing is worth diminishing your health. Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety, and fear.”  – Steve Maraboli

At work things are stressful.  The infamous audit is still not over and on top of that I have another regular scheduled unaudited audit that I need to complete by the end of the month.  It also seems we will have to fire a couple of people that are not producing.  Even though they should know it is coming I still feel bad.

I am also having issues with my 2 rental apartments.  I never planned on being a landlord.  I don’t have time to deal with any issues.  I was holding on to them to wait for the right time to sell, but I think the right time maybe now.  My other aim for 2016 is to lead a simpler and more minimal life, so shedding excess baggage and drama is at the forefront.

At times it has been hard staying positive.   I don’t do uncertainty well.  This control freak here likes to know where everything stands at all times.  I am constantly failing at “letting go and letting God”.

I actually had to sit myself down and have a hard talk.  I had to look to the past for reminders of my forever faith and positivity.  I had to remind myself of how far I have come and how I have dealt with tough situations in the past.

I also had to remind myself that:

  • God has a plan, just trust in it. Trust that He gives you only what you can handle.
  • There are no problems, only opportunities for learning and growing.
  • Stop reacting and over-reacting. Something happens, pause and reflect before interfering and creating chaos.  Sometimes it is best to let nature take its course without interference.  I don’t have to face everything head-on and immediately.
  • It is not what happens to me, it is how I react (or over-react) to it. Welcome problems as blessings.  Be grateful for their arrival and learn from them.
  • How truly blessed I am. I have an amazing family, great job (even if stressful), comfortable home, cool friends, someone willing to put up with my moods, and most important I have life and opportunities.
  • I need to love, respect and give myself a break. I want to be perfect; I want to be productive at all times.  I expect great results.  Anything less feels like a failure.  Being this hard on myself is only leading towards a mental and physical breakdown.

The list of things I need to remind myself of goes on and on.  But for now when in doubt Accept, Forgive and Be Grateful!

“ Pain is inevitable,suffering is optional”. – Dalai Lama XIV

 

Let’s do Different!

26 Saturday Dec 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.” – Seneca

Thank you everyone for another year of putting up with my blog.  Thank you for taking time to read, for finding inspiration to comment and for the kindness in giving me advice and support.  You mean a lot, I owe you a lot! Sending huge tight grateful hugs to all!

Yesterday I went to the 5 o’clock mass.  I am very spiritual and not religious but I have been going to mass some Sundays and I wanted to go to one on Christmas Eve.  I am so blessed, I have so much to be thankful for, and going to mass has been my way of taking a separate time to thank God for all my blessings.

My boyfriend… wow it is weird to say I have a boyfriend.  After 4 years of going on endless one dates and having one disappointment after another I am trying to get used to the idea of having someone that cares about me and is not afraid to tell me often.

MF (the boyfriend) is everything I need that I didn’t know I needed.  He gives me comfort, patience, understanding.  He is totally non-judgmental and finds my brutal honesty refreshing.  I feel completely accepted!

We are leaving tomorrow on a 10 hour drive from New York to North Carolina.  We are going to spend a couple of days at his best friend’s house.  For some reason I am not concerned about this at all.  My only concern was the idea of showing up at somebody’s house empty handed, so I solved that by buying this huge Godiva Chocolate basket.  Who doesn’t like chocolate?

This week I had some realizations:

  • This relationship feels different.  It feels easy and permanent. (Even though  it will not be easy.  I know it will take work to put all the pieces together… we both have busy lives. We live 1 hour away. His 8 year old son has severe ADHD and needs more attention than most kids).  Do I like him enough to put in the work necessary?
  • I think that my brutal honesty may sometimes be too much.  I think that I may be testing him by all I say and the questions I ask. Perhaps I want to see how far I can push him.  Am I trying to push him out of the door?
  • I realized that I feel guilty anytime I eat something deemed not healthy, like sugar and carbs, and that is very much very often. Here is a new idea: Not seeing food as good or bad.  Just eat and enjoy it!
  • I realized that instead of losing the famous 10 pounds to proudly disrobe in front of the boyfriend, I am instead gaining 10 pounds and more. Is this another way of sabotaging this and/or testing him?  Since I feel he accepts me completely perhaps I am looking for proof.

Perhaps I need to stop thinking too much.  I need to get out of my head sometimes. I need to change.  And on that note I want to talk about 2016.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”  – Gautama Buddha

In a way I am glad to see 2015 coming to an end.  It was a turbulent year.  Every new year holds so much promise.  It is up to me to make 2016 the best year ever.  I plan on making it amazing since it will be the year I am turning 50. ARGHHHH just so NOT happy about turning 50!!

I want to do 2016 is different! I want to be nice to myself in 2016!

What about if we (you and I) did everything different?  I want to stop using the same old excuses.  I want to stop hiding behind this excess weight, that no one is really paying any attention to, and it is bothering only me.  I want to forget about my past failures and continue trying.  Because the old boyfriend cheated, it doesn’t mean that this one will.  Because I had to give up all exercise for one year because of a hip injury it doesn’t mean that I cannot ever be completely healthy again.

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” – Albert Einstein

I want to take more chances.  I want to stop pressuring myself to be perfect and to accomplish so many things at once. All that this pressure has done is to leave me feeling like a failure.  I have done a lot and accomplished a lot and yet when I look back I see missed opportunities and areas where I could have done so much better.

I am not being fair to myself.  I want to be nice to myself.  I want to relax and enjoy the journey.  I know it is a cliche but I am so results driven that I need to have “Enjoy the journey” tattooed on my arm so I can be reminded every single moment.  If I am not getting results I think I am failing and that is not the point of life at all.  I know better.

How are you going to show up in 2016 and take ownership of your life? Are you going to stop letting others, media, internet, tv, friends and enemies dictate what you do and how do you feel about yourself? What is that one thing that scares you the most?  Just go ahead and do it!

Next time I see the boyfriend,well, tomorrow,  I think I will just take my clothes off and say: “This is it, take it or leave it!”  (stay tuned, I will let you know how that turns out…)

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” – Leo Tolstoy

 

I won! wait, is this really a win?

19 Thursday Nov 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“How would your life be different if…You stopped validating your victim mentality? Let today be the day…You shake off your self-defeating drama and embrace your innate ability to recover and achieve.” – Steve Maraboli

I am sitting in court waiting for my Small Claims case to be heard.

I am shaking, trembling; I can barely keep my hand steady enough to write. My heart is beating out of my chest. I feel vulnerable and powerless. This is not the way it is supposed to be! I should feel empowered; after all I am on the right side of the law. Instead I want to run away and hide in the safety of my bed.

This is not my first time in a court of law, but it is my first time suing someone. See here why I decided to take that step.  http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2015/05/29/i-have-been-scammed-and-it-sucks/

I have been in court many times. At one point in my life I was a Portuguese interpreter. I would go to courts mostly representing defendants on criminal cases. Later on I worked at the collections department of a bank. I would go to court and represent the bank on bankrupt accounts. I have been to Labor court representing my current company. I have been a juror.

Still I don’t think I will ever get used to being in a courtroom. There is something about being in a courtroom that makes me feel extremely vulnerable. Yet I love TV shows regarding courtroom dramas and I think of being an attorney in my next life.

It is 2 o’clock and names are being called. If both the plaintiff and the defendant are present then they get sent to a conference room with a mediator. The judge will hear only cases where a settle cannot be reached.

The person I am suing is not here, so I have to sit and wait another hour. At 3 pm they make the last call.

This time if the plaintiff (the person complaining and initiating the lawsuit) is not here the case gets dismissed right away. A case where the defendant doesn’t show up goes to inquest.

My case went to inquest as Mr. Repairman Scam Artist never showed up. If a case goes to inquest one no longer needs to prove liability, only damages. So I proved my $360.00 damage and have been awarded the judgment.

What happens next? Nothing! I will never see a dime. What really happens next is that the courts will send me the judgment letter in the mail. Then it is up to find out if he has any assets and then go after them. Perhaps if it was a larger amount and if he had any real assets I would go to the trouble, but not in this case.

I knew this would be the end result. Still I went through with it. I wanted to step out of my comfort zone, to stand up for my rights and to stop feeling victimized.  I normally let things go and just end up feeling victimized by unscrupulous service people that take advantage of the unsuspecting and the too trusting (in this case this very naive female).

I will report him to the Better Business Bureau and update some online review sites. I am not intent on revenge, as I hate that word, but if I can warn at least one person I will be happy.

Will he ever learn and change his ways? who knows? I feel I did my part, and I know that karma will eventually catch up to him.

I would have liked better if he had showed up and were made to answer for his actions, but at the end of the day I am glad I stood up for what I believed was right. I feel empowered by it.

I had people tell me that I was being vengeful.  I had people tell me not to waste my time.  Everyone had an opinion.  I am glad I did what felt right to me.  No regrets!

“Do what you think is right. Don’t let people make the decision of right or wrong for you.” – Steve Maraboli

Making better use of the NOW!

11 Wednesday Nov 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” ―Eleanor Roosevelt

The past has been very much in my mind lately. Everything about the past, past mistakes, past lessons, past opportunities, past hurts, but mostly past friends and boyfriends.

Every time someone pops into my mind I go off surfing the net looking for every little morsel of detail about them.   Lately I have developed this habit of checking on certain people every single day.  This  list of people include ex and other romantic interests.

I am not proud of that!  I am embarrassed of the amount of time I am spending looking at the social media pages of people that do not add anything to my life.

What is up with this curiosity for people that are no longer in my life?  It is not as if I want them back in my life.  I am happy they are in the past.  Why should I care what have they been doing lately and with whom?  Everyone has stayed in the past for a reason, and that is where they should remain.

This insane curiosity has become a very damaging addiction.  Yes it is an addiction!  If you compulsively find yourself typing the same name in Google Search day in and day out then you are an addict.

Any time I revisit the past I bring about all the past hurt and betrayal.  I start second guessing myself.  Feelings come rushing back.  I remember happy moments too, but those are equally damaging as they are gone, not to come back.  Happy moments make me think of what could have been and never was , or was just briefly.

Any time I am focused on the past it is time that would be better spent focusing on my future.  Having my mind and heart populated with the past leaves no room for the present and future.  How can I let good and good people in when my mind is crowded with garbage?

Why do I keep inviting the past back in?

They say one shouldn’t burn bridges in case one needs to go back.  In the case of past loves or past love interests, I think one needs to completely implode the bridge and all traces of it.  Going back to certain situations and certain people should never be an option.  Sometimes leaving a bridge up is just this constant reminder that we would like to go back but our return is not wanted.

It is a matter of faith!  If I really have faith and believe that God has a plan for me and that only good things are waiting for me in my future then I have no business in going back to the past.  Flirting with the past is flirting with disaster.  I realize I haven’t been acting like a person that truly believes in the beauty of her future.

I want to dive into the future head on!  I am making changes.

I now only allow myself to check somebody’s social media if that action is adding to my life and my plans and if I intend that person to be part of my future.

I came up with a list of things that I could be doing online instead of wasting time with other people’s lives (and that goes for Celebrity gossip sites and Instagram of people I know and don’t know).

I can:

  • Read about current events
  • Take an online class
  • Learn a new language
  • Improve my geography and history knowledge
  • Improve my vocabulary
  • Write more posts, improve my blog, read other blogs
  • Create Budgets, work on my finance
  • Write clear goals and plans to attain them
  • Write letters to the people I love and want to be in touch
  • Learn more about the industry I work in
  • Organize all my picture files
  • Clean up and organize my computer files and emails

In cleaning up my mind from the past to leave room for the future, I realized that there are some people in my present that should be a part of my past.  They take space in my present, they occupy my now, and they distract me from what I should be doing.  I am taking steps to correct that.  I completely ignored this one guy that texts whenever he has time and never asks me out (for once I don’t mind appearing rude).  I asked another not to contact me (I confess I didn’t have the heart to say “Don’t ever contact me again”, so I just said: “I need some space, don’t contact me, I will contact you).  This last one has been extremely difficult as there was some history there.

In the end I am not saying completely forget the past and everyone in it.  What I am saying is that for me I have to learn the lesson and move on.  I have to choose who I keep near and dear and who I choose to set free. I have to be selfish!

 “The future depends on what you do today.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

If the past knocks, don’t answer!

30 Friday Oct 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. Solid flesh can never live up to the bright shadow cast by its absence. Time and distance blur the edges; then suddenly the beloved has arrived, and it’s noon with its merciless light, and every spot and pore and wrinkle and bristle stands clear.” ―  Margaret Atwood

Every now and then a ghost from the past returns.  As abruptly as they leave they appear, sometimes weeks, months, sometimes even years after.

These are people that I never really had a relationship with but that I had thought, with all my heart, that there was the potential and therefore I invested my all.   Sometimes the possibility of a dream coming true is more powerful than the dream itself.

When they come knocking again what do I do? I, ever the optimistic one, welcome them with open arms. I call myself optimistic but perhaps the right word here is naïve.

I want to be open and have an open mind.  I want to see and believe the best in people. I want to have an open door policy in my life. Come and go as you please. Stay if you want. Go if you must. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt, I want to give second and third chances.

But is that fair to my heart?

 “An open mind is better than a clenched fist.” ― Matshona Dhliwayo

It is hard for me to let people in, but when I do I am true, I am vulnerable, I share dreams, I share fantasies. I am 100% there and I hope for the same.  I see people as unique and at that moment I make them the center of the universe. They get my attention, my energy, my heart and my soul.

When they leave they take some of me with them.  I am shattered, broken, questioning everything.  There are tears, there are late nights crying, there is too much sugar eating.  Then the magic of life happens, I pick myself up, I dust off, I move on and re-emerge better than before.

“Do not allow me to forget you” – Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Some, when they leave, don’t even bother saying good bye. They just go silent, leaving you to wonder if they are even alive. I don’t know if they are just taking long to reply or they are gone.  Then the silence just keeps getting bigger and bigger and it hits you on the face: They are gone!  I find that disappearing act extremely cold-hearted and coward. Man up and say good bye!

When they return it seems all will fall into place.  I see the potential returning right along with them.  Dreams and fantasies come flooding back and I start thinking “what if”.  I see the confirmation that I was right all along: We are meant to be together.  All of a sudden the world makes sense again.

“The past beats inside me like a second heart.” – John Banville

When they return my heart sings…perhaps they changed his mind and see the incredible potential here…perhaps their fears and doubts are gone… perhaps…I let my imagination fly and spirit soar.

When they come back I am hoping they came back for the potential, for the fragility, for the beauty, for the pureness of the feelings I had and yes, for the passion, fun and attraction that laces all my relationships. When they come back I am thinking forever.

Forever never lasts. Almost immediately; it never fails, they show me exactly why they were in the past and why they should remain there.  I am lucky that it doesn’t take long for their true colors/motives to be revealed.  They mess up, they make assumptions, and they are themselves all over again.  Most often they are just horny looking for a fix, or the potential of it.  Sorry, but you are knocking on the wrong door.  You didn’t get to experience that before, what makes you think you will get it now?

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

I am starting to think that I need to be open but not foolish.  I need to be open to life but guarded to people. This revolving door needs to have a lock and key.

When I let somebody back in I realize I am attempting to rewrite the past.  What a foolish proposition!  Why do I want to go back to old mistakes, old lessons?  I am all about making new mistakes and learning new lessons.

Nothing has really changed in whatever issues were there in the past, they will still be there.  The fears, the insecurities, the doubts, they are still thriving.  There is nothing I can do to convince someone of the potential in something if they don’t want to be convinced.

When they return they will find that I have remained the same, in my conviction and beliefs; and still I have changed a lot. I am more mature, more weathered, more beat up, more heart.  Whatever I was before it is now amplified.  My honesty is now brutal; my barely-there patience is now non-existent.  And still I am calmer, more flexible, more understanding.  I am this constant duality, yes and no, good and bad. I am willing to welcome you and willing to throw you away.

“The past can’t hurt you anymore, not unless you let it.” –  Alan Moore

If you are intending to be a ghost from the past and knock on somebody’s door again, please rethink your motives. Are you willing to compromise? Will the issues from the past still be there? Have you changed or are you just counting on the other person having changed?  Are you just horny and looking for a little attention and inspiration?

Whatever you do don’t expect to pick up things where you left them off.   If it is worth returning to, it is worth putting in the work and starting from the beginning.  You will have to get to know me all over again. You will have be interested in all.

 “Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” – Steve Maraboli

How dare you show up like nothing ever happened and disrupt my mind and heart? Most importantly, how dare I allow you to do it?

I am writing this because I am angry and hurt with someone that did just that.  I feel I have been toyed with, yet again, by somebody that was just horny and had no serious interest in pursuing a relationship.  I was here, quietly minding my own business, why play with my mind and heart again?

You come disguised as hope and opportunity.  You come disguised as future. Perhaps you don’t know that.  Perhaps you never realized how important you were to me, even though I have told you 100 times.  Perhaps you never listened.  Not only you are just words on the screen, but you are all the wrong words!!   I am giving you the benefit of the doubt, may be you are just clueless!

Now I have to forget you all over again.  Perhaps it will be easier the second time around! Perhaps it will never happen.  Memories fades, but the heart never forgets!

You do not deserve something that you don’t think that you have to work for! There are no rewards for the ones wanting to take a shortcut.  If you don’t want to put in the time and energy to get to know me, my interests, my wants, then you are not deserving of me.  If you think I am this amazing sexual, fun being, you are right! I am that, and so much more! But you will never know!

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” ― Thich Nhat Hanh

In a Rumi kind of way… happy, grateful, blessed

23 Friday Oct 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”― Rumi

I am feeling so happy for no reason! Well, there is a reason. When I stop to really look at my life there are so many reasons to be happy. But I am happy because I am making a conscious decision to be happy! I always believed that happiness is a choice, I choose to be happy – it is that simple!

Well… no always that simple or easy. I sometimes have to remind myself to be happy. I sometimes have to force myself to be happy. I sometimes have to force a smile. When gloomy feelings and fears threaten to get a hold of him I need to tell myself: Be happy!

“These pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them.” ― Rumi

I have low moments as everyone else does, but where I differ is that I don’t allow myself to stay there for too long. I don’t allow myself to dwell on whatever I think is going wrong in my life. If I feel like crying I cry, I don’t hold back, but I make it quick. I don’t stay in that mood, feeling sorry for myself for too long. If I allow myself to stay in that dark place too long I may never get out. I cry, dry the tears then I move on.

• I come up with ideas and plans to correct and change whatever I think is wrong. Making plans for the future makes me feel accomplished.
• I make a list of everything I have going for me (a gratitude list). Getting reminded of all I have makes me feel blessed.
• I look for a lesson in the problems. There is always a lesson! Realizing the opportunity for growth makes me feel wise.
• I look for the blessing in the problems. There are blessings in disguise all around. Being able to find positive in the negative makes me feel powerful.

“Where there is ruin, there is hope for a treasure.” ― Rumi

Being happy when all is going fine is easy. Being happy when everything is falling apart and nothing is going my way it is not so easy. And that is when it is most necessary to rejoice, to get centered and not lose sight of the bigger picture. The big picture is that nothing lasts forever, good or bad.

The bad, the complicated, the not so great times are necessary so that we can appreciate the good times even more.

My doctor friend once said to me that God gives us difficult days as a gift for us to grow and develop into better people.  Who am I to be mad at God for giving me such a gift?

I have been trying to be grateful for everything and everyone as they have a reason to come into our lives.  I fail more times than I succeed,  but I keep trying.

Right now I have this weird grin on my face and this weird feeling in my heart. It is as if I know that something huge in my life is about to happen. I don’t know what it is and I don’t know when it will happen, but I know it will be magical.

“Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” ― Rumi

May your weekend be magical! Let your heart and soul sing a happy tune! Be grateful! Be love! Choose happiness!

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.” ― Rumi

Back in the swing of things

19 Monday Oct 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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I am back.  Unfortunately I didn’t return rejuvenated.  This trip wiped me out. On the day I returned I even lacked the energy to unpack.   My mom has returned with me and she will be spending 1 month here.  That is normally the routine: twice a year I go to Brazil and twice a year she returns with me and spends one month here. It is a good break for her and a good bonding time for us.  It will be one month of shopping, casino and over-eating and under-exercising.  I am going to do my best not to ignore my new resolve of becoming healthier.  We shall see…

The moment I returned to work the auditors got in touch with additional requests.   I was happy they waited for me and I actually welcome the work and the routine of it.  After a couple of days they went silent, so I am hoping this is the end.  I am just awaiting for their final write-up.

I am still in touch with the doctor from the many previous posts.  I guess that is what is called dating.  We were seeing each other a couple of times a week before I went to Brazil.  Now that I am back we have texted several times.  We shall see what will happen.  He does a wonderful job of not showing me all his cards.  It is hard for me not to know exactly where I stand.  I struggle with feeling not in control of the situation.

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.” – Steve Maraboli

Before I went to Brazil I decided to remove the content and pictures from my online dating profile.  My decision was two-fold: I needed a break plus I don’t want to date more than one person if I am intimate with one person.  Even though we didn’t talk about commitment, to me being intimate means commitment.

Even if the doctor was not in the picture at this moment I would still take a break from online dating.  I think every now and then it is best to take a break from things and reevaluate needs, wants and expectations.

“Without commitment, you cannot have depth in anything, whether it’s a relationship, a business or a hobby.” – Neil Strauss

Online dating was becoming too much work.  I also had started looking at everyone the same and not looking at people as people but things that come and go and that can be tossed aside at any point.  Returning to it in a few weeks or months with fresher eyes and attitude will be best.

Now I feel free from the demands of replying to countless messages that often get nowhere.  I also feel free from the pressure I had put on myself of having to find someone.

Even though I no longer have pictures and content I was still getting messages from some people I was corresponding with, so I went online to leave a message of my decision to take a break.  While there I saw that the doctor added new pictures to his profile.  While I didn’t expect him to stay away from online dating, seeing new pictures gave me this weird feeling.

“Set the standard! Stop expecting others to show you love, acceptance, commitment, & respect when you don’t even show that to yourself.” – Steve Maraboli

Believe me when I say I am trying hard not to make any assumptions or read too much into people’s actions or lack of it, but it is hard not to think about what his new pictures means.  In a way it told me what he thinks of me and this relationship.  It means that his level of commitment is not the same as mine and he probably doesn’t see the potential I see in this relationship.  Or still, maybe, he is suffering from something that a lot people that do online dating suffer from:  They find someone but they always think that there could be someone else even better out there.  Fear of settling and missing out.

We have never had a conversation regarding dating each other exclusively.  In the beginning when I brought up dating other people he mentioned something about not going there.  I got the message.

Still I became intimate with him without having a commitment.  Becoming intimate seemed like a natural dating progression.  I also felt that we were on the same page regarding our feelings for each other.

“Freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability to choose – and commit myself to – what is best for me.” – Paulo Coelho

At this point I have a decision to make.  I enjoy his company and our amazing conversations.  I just need to decide what I am comfortable with.  Am I okay being intimate with someone that is probably getting intimate with other people?  Absolutely not!  That was never my intention.  That is not something I am comfortable with.

Being intimate was probably more my idea than his.  He seems completely happy to just go to dinner.  So I think he will be perfectly fine with dialing back that part of our relationship.

“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”  – Peter F. Drucker

Oddly I am completely okay with whatever way this relationship goes.  It is fine if it progresses and it is also fine if just becomes friendship.   I saw potential in him as he is the first guy that has this same very positive outlook in life that I do.  We have the same ideas and beliefs when it comes to religion and other deeper matters.  We read the same books and like the same things.  But there are many differences also.    He is a vegetarian that thinks sugar is the devil.  I like meat and want sugar to be my friend.  He is very much into bettering himself.  I am too, but not at his level.  He is hardcore about it and bettering himself and others seems like a mission to him.  I love that,  but I cannot keep up.  Perhaps I am lazy and not that committed to my health.  I am looking to improve that but I know that I cannot be hardcore about anything otherwise it will just backfire.

The bottom-line is I am happy, happy, happy!  With him or without him.  With commitment or without commitment.  I am happy with the knowledge that I am blessed.  I have so much going for me.  I have options.   There may be the right guy out there for me, and there may not be.  That no longer matters.  I am enough!  More and more I know what I want and what I don’t want. Right now I just want to be in the moment and enjoy it to the fullest.

For a laugh: “When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.” – Warren Farrell

Hello from Brazil

08 Thursday Oct 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget you.” ― Nicholas Spark

I am right now in Brazil.  I arrived on October 3rd and will stay here until October 13th.
I left in the middle of the audit at work. I don’t feel right about leaving in the middle of things but I really needed a break.  My co-workers needed a break from me also.  This audit has been on-going for too long – a whole month!  We are a 15 person firm, to be audited by 5 people for one month feels just ridiculous, specially since we should not be audited;regulated in the first place.  I notifed the auditors of my trip and they said they will work around my schedule.  As of now I have heard nothing else, so I can only assume they are waiting for my return.

***

There are so many mixed feelings any time I am in Brazil. Things are so familiar and yet so foreign. I love coming and then I cannot wait to go back… go back to my routine, to the familiar.  Yet I know I am where I should be when at this moment. I need and want to spend time with my parents while I am blessed with their presence.  Who knows how long I will still have them for.

As many of you know I have an identical twin sister. We have lived in different countries for the past 30 years but we remain extremely close. Perhaps too close…
It is sad to say but sometimes I feel we get along better at a distance, just over the phone. When we are physically close we become even more critical of each other. I bite my tongue when I feel like saying something sometimes, and yet she feels all I do is criticize. I guess we will never agree on certain things.  We are both critical and sensitive, and that combination can be lethal to relationships.

It is so weird being so identical and yet so different. People often mix us up… it is funny. Right now we are at the exact same weight and hair lenght, and that has never happened before. So right at this moment we do feel identical more than ever.

***

I am, once again, giving up chocolate for 1 year.    I did that a couple of years ago and I decided to embark on that same journey again now. I wrote about  that experience here.  At that time I felt I was going to drown the sorrows of the break up in chocolate.  This time I felt that the stress and pressure of the audit was making me go crazy on chocolate.  So I decided to take a break from it.  I know what I really need to do is to take a break from sugar, but I am not ready for that yet.  I have gained weight and I hope being chocolate-free may help kick a couple of pounds to the curb.

I am still dating the doctor and this distance will be a good way to gauge how we feel about each other. For starters I question if we are really dating or this is just friendship.  I actually shouldn’t say ‘just’ a friendship, as I am in sort supply of friends and really valued them.  Whatever it is we are having I am enjoying it.  I miss his company and want to see him again. It is my hope he misses me too. He hasn’t said it, but then again he is not very upfront with his feelings.  Perhaps he doesn’t have anything to be upfront about it. It is very hard for me to just keep going without knowing where I stand.  I know this experience is great for me.  Growth!

I have finally gotten a physical.  I am happy to say that all is well with exception of needing some Vitamin D.  So now I am taking 2,000 milligrams per day until the levels get back to norma. Then I will take 1,000 as maintenance.

It is my hope that this time here in Brazil physically away from work and other issues serves to renew my resolve in many areas, such as my weight, my blog, my learning and growth.

Please pardon the typos… no time to edit it.

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.”  – Andy Warhol

Being aware and making the best of it

22 Tuesday Sep 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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This is a glimpse of my life right now.

Dating:  I have been seeing on and off the doctor I have mentioned on previous posts.  Am I dating him?  I have no clue, and that knowledge, or lack of it, drives me crazy.  I like certainties.  I like knowing where I stand.  I like being a priority and not merely an option.  But still this other side of me wants to be easy and carefree, wants to move as the wind blows, and wants not to worry too much about this guy or that guy.  I feel this push-pull thing with him.  It is like he wants me, he takes me out, then he doesn’t want me, he goes silent for a couple of days.

It is certainly a lesson for me.  It forces me to look at my needs versus my wants.  I have to look at my expectations and what is the type of relationship I want.

What do I really want? Am I okay with not knowing where I stand?

“We’re not dating,” Alec said again.
“Oh?” Magnus said. “So you’re just that friendly with everybody, is that it?” 
― Cassandra Clare

***

Old Energy converting into good: I have sold an old ring that my first boyfriend had given me.  I only got $800 for it, but I am so excited to be dedicating that money to make Christmas better for some kids in Brazil.  I already try to help out every Christmas, but having an extra $800 is awesome.

This idea of converting past energies in present and future goods is amazing and wonderful and so re-energizing.  What else around my house, that I have not been using or that perhaps have negative memories attached to them, that could be used for good?

I don’t like things laying around unused.  It is freeing not to be attached to things…now if I could only not get attached to people then I would definitely the master of my domain.

 “We only have what we give.” ― Isabel Allende

***

Scrutiny: This past week I have had auditors from a regulatory agency in our offices. It is a bit unnerving to have to answer questions and provide all kinds of documents. I do mostly everything in our small firm, so I am the point person and the one having to provide all the answers and documentation.

I feel stressed and have been having stomach pains.  I think it is an old nervous ulcer acting up again.

I am a control freak so not knowing exactly what the auditors are looking for, and trying to guess what other questions they will have is making me miserable.

I do my work well but what if there is something I didn’t even know it was a requirement?

I am looking at the bright side.  I welcome them looking things over and pointing out deficiencies.  We have been under those regulations since 2012 and since then I think I am following the rules, so this is a great opportunity to really find out how well I am doing and what needs improvement.

This is a good opportunity for me to realize that control is just an illusion.  Nothing is ever under my control.  The sooner I realize that, the sooner I incorporate that in my life the better.  But it is one of the many things I struggle with.

“The reason many people in our society are miserable, sick, and highly stressed is because of an unhealthy attachment to things they have no control over.”  – Steve Maraboli

***

Airhead.  It is incredible to realize that somebody like me that pays no attention to details is able to function in society and be so successful at work.

At work I deal with numbers as the main financial person.  I deal with insurance and other deadlines as I am the Human Resources person.  I am compliance; I am receivables, payables, etc.  I do it all and I do it well.

And then it comes to my day to day life.

Last night I showed up for a doctor’s appointment that is scheduled for next week.  Last week I went to the doctor at 8am for an appointment that was at 9:30am (this one in particular they called me the day before and left a message confirming it, I just hit erase at the beginning of the message, because I assumed I knew the time).

This is clearly an area that I need to work on. I assume a lot. I am impatient. I talk when I should be listening.

So much room for improvement…awareness is a great start.

“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.” ―George Bernard Shaw

Fun Labor Day, stressful week :-(

13 Sunday Sep 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Labor Day Weekend seems like a long time ago now.  Mine was crazy busy and fun.  I had friends visiting.  This couple is one of those that makes marriage look easy and fun.  They have been married over 25 years.  It is always a joy to be around them.

On Friday night we had an awesome dinner at a tapas place in my town.

On Saturday we spent the day at the US Open Tennis and had soul food take out for dinner.

On Sunday we went to mass in the morning  (they go to mass every Sunday no matter where they are).  The mass seemed tailored to me as the priest talked about immigrants.  It was entertaining and interesting.  Unfortunately if something is not entertaining or interesting my mind will wander, it never did.  It had been at least 5 years since I had been to mass.  I enjoyed and may go back.

Here is the kicker:  Right after mass we go to see The Book of Mormon on Broadway.  I never watched South Park (the creators of SP were behind TBM) so I wasn’t sure what to expect.  I knew that it would be a little out there.  But I was shocked by the language and the humor at the expense of someone’s religion.  It was borderline offensive, but the laughter is non-stop.  At times I found myself thinking: “Should I be laughing at that”?    I seemed to have more problems with it than my very catholic friends.  At the end of the day one needs to be able to see the light side of things.  Humor is important and necessary.

At the end of the weekend I realize how truly blessed I am!  Life is good, beautiful and bountiful!

“It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.”  – G.K. Chesterton

On Monday I had a date with the doctor – we are seeing each other again.  I will write about in my next post.

The date helped to take my mind away from an upcoming audit at work.  It is unnerving to be providing tons of documents to 5 people so then they can come and poke around our offices and ask for documents and ask many questions.   This is our first audit by a regulatory Agency so we are not sure what to expect, specially since even the auditors seem to be confused as what regulations apply to our specific business.

The control freak in me is going nuts.  Am I doing things correctly?  What are they looking for? Will I have all the answers?  Will my answers be sufficient?  I would hate to appear unprepared, incapable and inefficient.

I am trying to be in the moment, taking a breath, enjoying now.  Let go and let God!

“You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.” ― Steve Maraboli