“Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. Solid flesh can never live up to the bright shadow cast by its absence. Time and distance blur the edges; then suddenly the beloved has arrived, and it’s noon with its merciless light, and every spot and pore and wrinkle and bristle stands clear.” ― Margaret Atwood
Every now and then a ghost from the past returns. As abruptly as they leave they appear, sometimes weeks, months, sometimes even years after.
These are people that I never really had a relationship with but that I had thought, with all my heart, that there was the potential and therefore I invested my all. Sometimes the possibility of a dream coming true is more powerful than the dream itself.
When they come knocking again what do I do? I, ever the optimistic one, welcome them with open arms. I call myself optimistic but perhaps the right word here is naïve.
I want to be open and have an open mind. I want to see and believe the best in people. I want to have an open door policy in my life. Come and go as you please. Stay if you want. Go if you must. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt, I want to give second and third chances.
But is that fair to my heart?
“An open mind is better than a clenched fist.” ― Matshona Dhliwayo
It is hard for me to let people in, but when I do I am true, I am vulnerable, I share dreams, I share fantasies. I am 100% there and I hope for the same. I see people as unique and at that moment I make them the center of the universe. They get my attention, my energy, my heart and my soul.
When they leave they take some of me with them. I am shattered, broken, questioning everything. There are tears, there are late nights crying, there is too much sugar eating. Then the magic of life happens, I pick myself up, I dust off, I move on and re-emerge better than before.
“Do not allow me to forget you” – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Some, when they leave, don’t even bother saying good bye. They just go silent, leaving you to wonder if they are even alive. I don’t know if they are just taking long to reply or they are gone. Then the silence just keeps getting bigger and bigger and it hits you on the face: They are gone! I find that disappearing act extremely cold-hearted and coward. Man up and say good bye!
When they return it seems all will fall into place. I see the potential returning right along with them. Dreams and fantasies come flooding back and I start thinking “what if”. I see the confirmation that I was right all along: We are meant to be together. All of a sudden the world makes sense again.
“The past beats inside me like a second heart.” – John Banville
When they return my heart sings…perhaps they changed his mind and see the incredible potential here…perhaps their fears and doubts are gone… perhaps…I let my imagination fly and spirit soar.
When they come back I am hoping they came back for the potential, for the fragility, for the beauty, for the pureness of the feelings I had and yes, for the passion, fun and attraction that laces all my relationships. When they come back I am thinking forever.
Forever never lasts. Almost immediately; it never fails, they show me exactly why they were in the past and why they should remain there. I am lucky that it doesn’t take long for their true colors/motives to be revealed. They mess up, they make assumptions, and they are themselves all over again. Most often they are just horny looking for a fix, or the potential of it. Sorry, but you are knocking on the wrong door. You didn’t get to experience that before, what makes you think you will get it now?
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” ― Mahatma Gandhi
I am starting to think that I need to be open but not foolish. I need to be open to life but guarded to people. This revolving door needs to have a lock and key.
When I let somebody back in I realize I am attempting to rewrite the past. What a foolish proposition! Why do I want to go back to old mistakes, old lessons? I am all about making new mistakes and learning new lessons.
Nothing has really changed in whatever issues were there in the past, they will still be there. The fears, the insecurities, the doubts, they are still thriving. There is nothing I can do to convince someone of the potential in something if they don’t want to be convinced.
When they return they will find that I have remained the same, in my conviction and beliefs; and still I have changed a lot. I am more mature, more weathered, more beat up, more heart. Whatever I was before it is now amplified. My honesty is now brutal; my barely-there patience is now non-existent. And still I am calmer, more flexible, more understanding. I am this constant duality, yes and no, good and bad. I am willing to welcome you and willing to throw you away.
“The past can’t hurt you anymore, not unless you let it.” – Alan Moore
If you are intending to be a ghost from the past and knock on somebody’s door again, please rethink your motives. Are you willing to compromise? Will the issues from the past still be there? Have you changed or are you just counting on the other person having changed? Are you just horny and looking for a little attention and inspiration?
Whatever you do don’t expect to pick up things where you left them off. If it is worth returning to, it is worth putting in the work and starting from the beginning. You will have to get to know me all over again. You will have be interested in all.
“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” – Steve Maraboli
How dare you show up like nothing ever happened and disrupt my mind and heart? Most importantly, how dare I allow you to do it?
I am writing this because I am angry and hurt with someone that did just that. I feel I have been toyed with, yet again, by somebody that was just horny and had no serious interest in pursuing a relationship. I was here, quietly minding my own business, why play with my mind and heart again?
You come disguised as hope and opportunity. You come disguised as future. Perhaps you don’t know that. Perhaps you never realized how important you were to me, even though I have told you 100 times. Perhaps you never listened. Not only you are just words on the screen, but you are all the wrong words!! I am giving you the benefit of the doubt, may be you are just clueless!
Now I have to forget you all over again. Perhaps it will be easier the second time around! Perhaps it will never happen. Memories fades, but the heart never forgets!
You do not deserve something that you don’t think that you have to work for! There are no rewards for the ones wanting to take a shortcut. If you don’t want to put in the time and energy to get to know me, my interests, my wants, then you are not deserving of me. If you think I am this amazing sexual, fun being, you are right! I am that, and so much more! But you will never know!
“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” ― Thich Nhat Hanh