Monthly Archives: September 2015

Being aware and making the best of it

22 Tuesday Sep 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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This is a glimpse of my life right now.

Dating:  I have been seeing on and off the doctor I have mentioned on previous posts.  Am I dating him?  I have no clue, and that knowledge, or lack of it, drives me crazy.  I like certainties.  I like knowing where I stand.  I like being a priority and not merely an option.  But still this other side of me wants to be easy and carefree, wants to move as the wind blows, and wants not to worry too much about this guy or that guy.  I feel this push-pull thing with him.  It is like he wants me, he takes me out, then he doesn’t want me, he goes silent for a couple of days.

It is certainly a lesson for me.  It forces me to look at my needs versus my wants.  I have to look at my expectations and what is the type of relationship I want.

What do I really want? Am I okay with not knowing where I stand?

“We’re not dating,” Alec said again.
“Oh?” Magnus said. “So you’re just that friendly with everybody, is that it?” 
― Cassandra Clare

***

Old Energy converting into good: I have sold an old ring that my first boyfriend had given me.  I only got $800 for it, but I am so excited to be dedicating that money to make Christmas better for some kids in Brazil.  I already try to help out every Christmas, but having an extra $800 is awesome.

This idea of converting past energies in present and future goods is amazing and wonderful and so re-energizing.  What else around my house, that I have not been using or that perhaps have negative memories attached to them, that could be used for good?

I don’t like things laying around unused.  It is freeing not to be attached to things…now if I could only not get attached to people then I would definitely the master of my domain.

 “We only have what we give.” ― Isabel Allende

***

Scrutiny: This past week I have had auditors from a regulatory agency in our offices. It is a bit unnerving to have to answer questions and provide all kinds of documents. I do mostly everything in our small firm, so I am the point person and the one having to provide all the answers and documentation.

I feel stressed and have been having stomach pains.  I think it is an old nervous ulcer acting up again.

I am a control freak so not knowing exactly what the auditors are looking for, and trying to guess what other questions they will have is making me miserable.

I do my work well but what if there is something I didn’t even know it was a requirement?

I am looking at the bright side.  I welcome them looking things over and pointing out deficiencies.  We have been under those regulations since 2012 and since then I think I am following the rules, so this is a great opportunity to really find out how well I am doing and what needs improvement.

This is a good opportunity for me to realize that control is just an illusion.  Nothing is ever under my control.  The sooner I realize that, the sooner I incorporate that in my life the better.  But it is one of the many things I struggle with.

“The reason many people in our society are miserable, sick, and highly stressed is because of an unhealthy attachment to things they have no control over.”  – Steve Maraboli

***

Airhead.  It is incredible to realize that somebody like me that pays no attention to details is able to function in society and be so successful at work.

At work I deal with numbers as the main financial person.  I deal with insurance and other deadlines as I am the Human Resources person.  I am compliance; I am receivables, payables, etc.  I do it all and I do it well.

And then it comes to my day to day life.

Last night I showed up for a doctor’s appointment that is scheduled for next week.  Last week I went to the doctor at 8am for an appointment that was at 9:30am (this one in particular they called me the day before and left a message confirming it, I just hit erase at the beginning of the message, because I assumed I knew the time).

This is clearly an area that I need to work on. I assume a lot. I am impatient. I talk when I should be listening.

So much room for improvement…awareness is a great start.

“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.” ―George Bernard Shaw

Fun Labor Day, stressful week :-(

13 Sunday Sep 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Labor Day Weekend seems like a long time ago now.  Mine was crazy busy and fun.  I had friends visiting.  This couple is one of those that makes marriage look easy and fun.  They have been married over 25 years.  It is always a joy to be around them.

On Friday night we had an awesome dinner at a tapas place in my town.

On Saturday we spent the day at the US Open Tennis and had soul food take out for dinner.

On Sunday we went to mass in the morning  (they go to mass every Sunday no matter where they are).  The mass seemed tailored to me as the priest talked about immigrants.  It was entertaining and interesting.  Unfortunately if something is not entertaining or interesting my mind will wander, it never did.  It had been at least 5 years since I had been to mass.  I enjoyed and may go back.

Here is the kicker:  Right after mass we go to see The Book of Mormon on Broadway.  I never watched South Park (the creators of SP were behind TBM) so I wasn’t sure what to expect.  I knew that it would be a little out there.  But I was shocked by the language and the humor at the expense of someone’s religion.  It was borderline offensive, but the laughter is non-stop.  At times I found myself thinking: “Should I be laughing at that”?    I seemed to have more problems with it than my very catholic friends.  At the end of the day one needs to be able to see the light side of things.  Humor is important and necessary.

At the end of the weekend I realize how truly blessed I am!  Life is good, beautiful and bountiful!

“It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.”  – G.K. Chesterton

On Monday I had a date with the doctor – we are seeing each other again.  I will write about in my next post.

The date helped to take my mind away from an upcoming audit at work.  It is unnerving to be providing tons of documents to 5 people so then they can come and poke around our offices and ask for documents and ask many questions.   This is our first audit by a regulatory Agency so we are not sure what to expect, specially since even the auditors seem to be confused as what regulations apply to our specific business.

The control freak in me is going nuts.  Am I doing things correctly?  What are they looking for? Will I have all the answers?  Will my answers be sufficient?  I would hate to appear unprepared, incapable and inefficient.

I am trying to be in the moment, taking a breath, enjoying now.  Let go and let God!

“You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.” ― Steve Maraboli

 

People’s Court? no, thanks!

12 Saturday Sep 2015

Posted by in Daily Life

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“That’s the thing about being a victim; you start to think it’ll happen to you on a regular basis. It’s living with the reality of your own vulnerability, and it sucks.” – Dennis Lehane, A Drink Before the War

You may remember the issues I had with my fridge and the repairman.  http://blessedwithastarontheforehead.com/2015/05/29/i-have-been-scammed-and-it-sucks/

After much thought I filed a small claims case against him.  It is scheduled to be heard on November 19.  I am still conflicted about filing the claim.

I want him to be accountable and tell him he cannot walk into someone’s home and take their money and not do the service that he was paid for, but someone mentioned to me that it was vengeful.

I respectfully disagreed. I am not vengeful.  I am tired of feeling vulnerable every time I deal with any kind of repair people.  I am not after the money, I have already decided that I am donating to charity should I win.

Is it vengeance?

“Part of me wants justice for this. Part of me wants to never cause harm to another.” Ken Scholes, Lamentation  (my thoughts exactly)

But here is the funny part.  The other day among my correspondence there was this letter from The People’s Court.

Click here to see the letter: Peoples Court

I have absolute zero interest in appearing on TV, much less fighting in court for laughs.  It is just funny and a bit curious that they would think my case is that interesting for TV.  What are their criteria?

What about you, would you want to appear on TV on a court case?

Stay tuned for the outcome, not on TV, but here 🙂

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx

 

National Dog Day 2015

03 Thursday Sep 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files

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“Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.”
― Anatole France

Chief's new toy

August 26, 2015 was National Dog Day.  It was also the day that Chief (Ex’s dog) died.  Ex’s mother called me to tell me.

I grieve never seeing him again after the break up.  I was always welcomed to go see him, but I never wanted to.  I feared he would think I was returning to stay and then at my departure he would feel abandoned all over again.

I am angry that no attempt to treat him was made.  His hind legs were giving away and not supporting his body for a couple of the days, then on the third day he couldn’t get up.  The vet was called and he was put to dead.  That simple!

Too simple if you ask me.  If I was there things would have been much different.  I would have definitely attempted to treat him.

I am being judgmental.  I have no right to be.  It was his dog, so it was his call.  I remember him saying that if Chief ever got old and sick that he would not waste time and money with treatments.  He also believed that trying to treat him would cause more suffering.

In the end no one knows what was the right thing to do.  Perhaps treating Chief would be just for my benefit, for me to say to myself that I did whatever I could.

Perhaps it was indeed for the best, perhaps it would only cause him unnecessary suffering.

In the end, he is gone, as we all will one day.  I made the choice to never see him again and let him be in my heart and memory.  I never saw him again and now I never will.  He will continue to roam free and chase deer and bark at the mailman in my heart and in my memories.

In his honor I will liberate the dog in me.  I will be freer with myself and will care less about what people think of me and my antics.  I will get so excited every time I see a loved one I will almost pee myself.  I will make sad puppy eyes any time I want something.  And of course, I will always steal a cookie any time no one is looking.

The Peace Prayer

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is error, the truth;
Where there is doubt, the faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.