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Tag Archives: choices

National Dog Day 2015

03 Thursday Sep 2015

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life, EX Files

≈ 22 Comments

Tags

being judgmental, choices, death, dog people, dog's life, grief, man's best friend, Saint Francis

“Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.”
― Anatole France

Chief's new toy

August 26, 2015 was National Dog Day.  It was also the day that Chief (Ex’s dog) died.  Ex’s mother called me to tell me.

I grieve never seeing him again after the break up.  I was always welcomed to go see him, but I never wanted to.  I feared he would think I was returning to stay and then at my departure he would feel abandoned all over again.

I am angry that no attempt to treat him was made.  His hind legs were giving away and not supporting his body for a couple of the days, then on the third day he couldn’t get up.  The vet was called and he was put to dead.  That simple!

Too simple if you ask me.  If I was there things would have been much different.  I would have definitely attempted to treat him.

I am being judgmental.  I have no right to be.  It was his dog, so it was his call.  I remember him saying that if Chief ever got old and sick that he would not waste time and money with treatments.  He also believed that trying to treat him would cause more suffering.

In the end no one knows what was the right thing to do.  Perhaps treating Chief would be just for my benefit, for me to say to myself that I did whatever I could.

Perhaps it was indeed for the best, perhaps it would only cause him unnecessary suffering.

In the end, he is gone, as we all will one day.  I made the choice to never see him again and let him be in my heart and memory.  I never saw him again and now I never will.  He will continue to roam free and chase deer and bark at the mailman in my heart and in my memories.

In his honor I will liberate the dog in me.  I will be freer with myself and will care less about what people think of me and my antics.  I will get so excited every time I see a loved one I will almost pee myself.  I will make sad puppy eyes any time I want something.  And of course, I will always steal a cookie any time no one is looking.

The Peace Prayer

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is error, the truth;
Where there is doubt, the faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.

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Beware of pretty packages…

24 Tuesday Feb 2015

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 45 Comments

Tags

almost perfect, beliefs, choices, conflict, Dating, drugs, hidden dangers, saying no, staying true, temptions

“They’ll try to make you forget who you are or try to make you ashamed. But you mustn’t forget and you mustn’t be ashamed.” ― Stephanie Dray, Lily of the Nile

It is amazing how life has a way of making us confront our beliefs and judgments making us doubt and second guess ourselves and in the process teaching us valuable lessons!

I met someone that on paper and, at first, in person seemed perfect.  He was younger than me by a few years.  He had a boyish charm that drew me in.  Our sense of humor matched perfectly.   He has a very high paying job that he conquered though hard work even though he is from a rich family. He was smart and witty.   For one day/night I got to be on his side and see how my life would be while in his arms.  I could already see the parties, fancy dinners, and only the best and high class all the way.  I could see myself being pampered not only with the finer things in life, but, most important, with attention and care.  I had a glimpse of it and I enjoyed it.  He was a perfect gentleman too, doors opened, chairs pulled, etc.  He also had a way of making me feel safe and totally at ease.  We had a great very long date and by all indications this was the first of many more amazing dates as he seemed to be as enamored of me as I was of him.  I should have already guessed that it was too good to be true.

Towards the end of the date he invited me to spend the next weekend together.  I said yes immediately.  This time I was not thinking of “too much too soon” as I did with the last guy…go figure!  I cannot figure myself out, so I don’t expect you to understand why for one guy I want to slow everything down and for another the speed of light doesn’t seem fast enough.  I blame it on my crazy heart.

“Confidence is knowing who you are and not changing it a bit because of someone’s version of your reality is not their reality.” ― Shannon L. Alder

As he was describing how much fun the weekend  was going to be with dinners, swimming, spa treatments, he mentions something almost under his breath.  I almost failed to hear while embedded with all the other activities.  I ask for clarification as I am hoping my ears are betraying me. But no, I heard correctly, part of this amazing weekend would involve drugs.  And he was not talking weed, but something more potent.

While I try not to be judgmental and I try to respect people’s opinions and choices they make for their lives,  getting involved with drugs is not what I want for my life.  I have witnessed the destruction that can cause in people’s lives.  And just recently I have been guilty of judging a close friend that I suspect is involved with drugs.  I said to someone: “I don’t get how he got involved with this at this age.  He is old enough to know better.”

So here I am, old enough to know better, and yet still contemplating such an endeavor.

“Drugs are a waste of time. They destroy your memory and your self-respect and everything that goes along with your self esteem.” ― Kurt Cobain

I am embarrassed to say that I didn’t immediately disagree with everything he was saying.  He was so matter of fact about it, as if he was talking about having dessert.  I didn’t say no, I was just trying to find a way in which that would be okay.  I was considering it.  I have to be completely honest that for a second I thought what if I tried only once?  We parted ways with him thinking I was cool with it, with me thinking perhaps but knowing full well in my heart and mind that there was no way I would put myself in a situation to be around drugs, let alone use it.  That lifestyle is not for me.  I am perfectly happy without adding extra dramas to my life.  I am already high on life and its infinite possibilities.  I am trying more and more to be present in the now, so the last thing I want to do is to use drugs to get away form the present moment.  My life is great, I am not in pain, so I don’t need to numb my feelings and get away from my head.  I don’t have any problems that I need help forgetting, all I have are opportunities.

This situation showed me how tempting and how vulnerable I can be.  I am sure life threw me this curve ball to make me more respectful and less judgmental of other people’s situation, because I never know when I will be put in a similar situation and perhaps not have the power to make the right decision. It also showed some weak areas that I need to work on.

“Drug misuse is not a disease, it is a decision, like the decision to step out in front of a moving car. You would call that not a disease but an error of judgment.” ― Philip K. Dick

This afternoon with a clear mind I texted him and got it all out of my chest and canceled the weekend date. It felt good to tell him exactly how I felt.  I did feel old fashioned and close minded for a second when he asked questions about my decision. I didn’t expect him to try to change my mind and he didn’t.  I am glad that he mentioned this lifestyle right away.  Well I think it would have been better if he had mentioned on his profile so that he would attract only the kind of people interested in the same thing. But at the same time I don’t regret meeting him.

The lesson here is: “Not all that glitters is gold!” From all the guys I ever dated and, pretty much all the men I know, I would vote him least likely to be involved with drugs.  So this has been a huge wake up call.

Another thing I learned is that one has to be always watchful because you never know when temptation will knock on your door.  The knock will always be an opportunity, an opportunity to show strength.

So from now on I will make a point of asking potential dates if they are into drugs.

I do feel enriched by the experience, I feel happy that it happened, I feel proud that I stood up to what I believe in and made the right choice for me!

In the end the choice was easy and clear!

“I don’t do drugs. I am drugs.” ― Salvador Dalí

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Review Documentary: What I Want My Words to Do to You – 4 1/2 stars

05 Saturday May 2012

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in Daily Life, Reviews

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Bedford Hills, choices, Eve Ensler, prison

This is a documentary done in 2003 featuring the Writing Group of Bedford Hills Correctional Facility in Bedford Hills, NY.

Eve Ensler had conducted a 4 year writing program with the women of the facility by the time this documentary was done. Eve Ensler, you may recall,  she is known for writing The Vagina Monologues (which I never saw, but I think I will track it down and see it)

the documentary showed the women participating in a series of exercises and discussions about the crimes they committed, their guilt and the reality of living behind bars.

It ended with several actresses including Glenn Close and Marisa Tomei among others, performing the women’s writing for the inmates in prison.

I highly recommend it to every woman, actually, to everyone.

It  was very powerful.  It hit me very hard.  I cried at varies points while watching it.  I realized how much I have in common with women sitting in prison.  Not only I, but we all have a lot in common, but for some reason we make the right decision at the right moment.

One thing most of them had in common was they didn’t think they had any other choices. And that is where I differ from those women.  I know I have choices and I plan on taking full advantage of them.

But the truly sad part is to realize that there are a lot more people that are imprisoned but invisible walls that they put up.  Anyway, that is a topic for another post.

Gotta go to sleep now.

 

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Loving and not looking back

02 Friday Mar 2012

Posted by A Star on the Forehead in EX Files, Finding Me

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

choices, focus, loving and not looking back, no faults, not dwelling in the past

Deciding to just love and not look back is hard but it feels wonderful!

I decide to see the ex every now and then, well it is pretty much when he wants.  I know that that sounds awful.  Sound like I am being used and settling for second best, but I don’t see it that way.  I see it as enjoying and cherishing the love we still have. We are not together as a couple for a variety of reasons.  It was mostly his choice not to work on this relationship and focus on his business and other situations.  Do I fault him? Do I think he never loved me enough? Yes, a big resounding yes, but I am choosing not to dwell on it.  I am choosing to accept his company and affection whenever possible.  At the same time I am not altering my schedule or previously made plans to accommodate him.

It is my plan to, little by little, to give you my background, so you will have a better idea of who I am and how I got here.

Learning to enjoy life without the pressure to follow society’s norm and ideas of when one should be married, have kids, etc is not simple.  But I am managing to do it.  Not always pretty and painless.

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