It is amazing how life has a way of making us confront our beliefs and judgments making us doubt and second guess ourselves and in the process teaching us valuable lessons!
I met someone that on paper and, at first, in person seemed perfect. He was younger than me by a few years. He had a boyish charm that drew me in. Our sense of humor matched perfectly. He has a very high paying job that he conquered though hard work even though he is from a rich family. He was smart and witty. For one day/night I got to be on his side and see how my life would be while in his arms. I could already see the parties, fancy dinners, and only the best and high class all the way. I could see myself being pampered not only with the finer things in life, but, most important, with attention and care. I had a glimpse of it and I enjoyed it. He was a perfect gentleman too, doors opened, chairs pulled, etc. He also had a way of making me feel safe and totally at ease. We had a great very long date and by all indications this was the first of many more amazing dates as he seemed to be as enamored of me as I was of him. I should have already guessed that it was too good to be true.
Towards the end of the date he invited me to spend the next weekend together. I said yes immediately. This time I was not thinking of “too much too soon” as I did with the last guy…go figure! I cannot figure myself out, so I don’t expect you to understand why for one guy I want to slow everything down and for another the speed of light doesn’t seem fast enough. I blame it on my crazy heart.
“Confidence is knowing who you are and not changing it a bit because of someone’s version of your reality is not their reality.” ― Shannon L. Alder
As he was describing how much fun the weekend was going to be with dinners, swimming, spa treatments, he mentions something almost under his breath. I almost failed to hear while embedded with all the other activities. I ask for clarification as I am hoping my ears are betraying me. But no, I heard correctly, part of this amazing weekend would involve drugs. And he was not talking weed, but something more potent.
While I try not to be judgmental and I try to respect people’s opinions and choices they make for their lives, getting involved with drugs is not what I want for my life. I have witnessed the destruction that can cause in people’s lives. And just recently I have been guilty of judging a close friend that I suspect is involved with drugs. I said to someone: “I don’t get how he got involved with this at this age. He is old enough to know better.”
So here I am, old enough to know better, and yet still contemplating such an endeavor.
“Drugs are a waste of time. They destroy your memory and your self-respect and everything that goes along with your self esteem.” ― Kurt Cobain
I am embarrassed to say that I didn’t immediately disagree with everything he was saying. He was so matter of fact about it, as if he was talking about having dessert. I didn’t say no, I was just trying to find a way in which that would be okay. I was considering it. I have to be completely honest that for a second I thought what if I tried only once? We parted ways with him thinking I was cool with it, with me thinking perhaps but knowing full well in my heart and mind that there was no way I would put myself in a situation to be around drugs, let alone use it. That lifestyle is not for me. I am perfectly happy without adding extra dramas to my life. I am already high on life and its infinite possibilities. I am trying more and more to be present in the now, so the last thing I want to do is to use drugs to get away form the present moment. My life is great, I am not in pain, so I don’t need to numb my feelings and get away from my head. I don’t have any problems that I need help forgetting, all I have are opportunities.
This situation showed me how tempting and how vulnerable I can be. I am sure life threw me this curve ball to make me more respectful and less judgmental of other people’s situation, because I never know when I will be put in a similar situation and perhaps not have the power to make the right decision. It also showed some weak areas that I need to work on.
“Drug misuse is not a disease, it is a decision, like the decision to step out in front of a moving car. You would call that not a disease but an error of judgment.” ― Philip K. Dick
This afternoon with a clear mind I texted him and got it all out of my chest and canceled the weekend date. It felt good to tell him exactly how I felt. I did feel old fashioned and close minded for a second when he asked questions about my decision. I didn’t expect him to try to change my mind and he didn’t. I am glad that he mentioned this lifestyle right away. Well I think it would have been better if he had mentioned on his profile so that he would attract only the kind of people interested in the same thing. But at the same time I don’t regret meeting him.
The lesson here is: “Not all that glitters is gold!” From all the guys I ever dated and, pretty much all the men I know, I would vote him least likely to be involved with drugs. So this has been a huge wake up call.
Another thing I learned is that one has to be always watchful because you never know when temptation will knock on your door. The knock will always be an opportunity, an opportunity to show strength.
So from now on I will make a point of asking potential dates if they are into drugs.
I do feel enriched by the experience, I feel happy that it happened, I feel proud that I stood up to what I believe in and made the right choice for me!
In the end the choice was easy and clear!
“I don’t do drugs. I am drugs.” ― Salvador Dalí