Monthly Archives: January 2015

Miss Fearless is Terrified!

29 Thursday Jan 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“I love, because my love is not dependent on the object of love. My love is dependent on my state of being. So whether the other person changes, becomes different, friend turns into a foe, does not matter, because my love was never dependent on the other person. My love is my state of being. I simply love.” ― Osho

This post was going to be totally different.  I was going to tell you about a great guy that I was dating.  I was going to tell you how this guy seemed to be the one; how everything felt so right.

This post now is about breaking up with a guy that seemed perfect for me.

He is still a great guy, he is still interested in a relationship, but all of a sudden, one day, I wake up and it seems too much too soon. I had to run, I had to escape!  The truth is I am scared!  I guess I am not as fearless as I thought I was.  I am scared and not sure of what.  I am terrified of falling in love!  I don’t think I am ready to be that vulnerable again.   I actually don’t think I fear getting hurt,  I fear hurting somebody else.

I have been the queen of first dates.  I have gone on more than 1 date with the same person only a few times, such as with the Jewelry Designer and the Math Professor. Insisting on something that doesn’t feel quite right from the beginning never works for me.  The amazing conversations and the romantic restaurants weren’t enough for me to ignore the lack of chemistry.

“Some old wounds never truly heal, and bleed again at the slightest word.”― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

I have been searching for love for the past few years, all of sudden there is a glimmer of hope.  There comes this guy that makes me feel excited.  There was something about him that first attracted me, and perhaps that very same unknown thing is what now scares me.

I realized that all the meaningless dates before, even though there were some great ones, they were non-threatening, because I didn’t really feel anything.  They didn’t threaten my independence and the safety of my single-hood.

The moment I realized that I liked him and he liked me back  I started looking for flaws, for reasons to disqualify him as a potential long term boyfriend. There is chemistry, he is a great guy, has a great job, family oriented, has a cool hobby, good family, a son in college, no crazy ex-wife, is kind to animals, adores me and still that is no enough for me.

From the moment we started talking we both felt that we had a special connection. It felt special! I knew it!  He knew it! He talked about the same feelings I was feeling.  It was refreshing to hear a man so open with his feelings.

flowers

He brought me the flowers on the above picture. It was one big vase, but I split in 3 so that I have a vase in each room.  Granted he didn’t buy them (he works on TV and they were props on a live daily TV show) but I give him credit for being honest where they came from and for carrying that heavy vase to my door.  I have to mention that he also drove over one and a half hours to see me every time. It was always about what I wanted.  Perhaps he is too nice and therefore too easy, no one wants what is easy.

As we continued to see each other I began to feel overwhelmed and trapped.  All of a sudden I felt this longing and sadness over not ever going on a first date again.  I am probably the only crazy person out there that enjoys the excitement of a first date.

This guy is threatening to my life as it is.  I claim I want love but perhaps I don’t want to change anything.  I am used to my life now.  Perhaps I just want to go on a nice date every now and then, with no attachments, no commitments.

So today I broke things off, I tried the old: “it is me, not you” line, because in this case it is true.  He has been nothing but a gentleman, kind and considerate, doing whatever I please, but still I feel that is what I must do at this point.  I don’t want to hurt him and I feel that I would end up doing that. My main fear is to be dragging this relationship on while I have doubts and let him fall more for me and end up hurting him.  Worst than getting hurt is hurting someone else!

 “The purpose of fear is to raise your awareness not to stop your progress.”― Steve Maraboli

I also wanted to make sure I broke up before Valentine’s Day because I am sure he would buy me a gift and do something special and I would be forever guilty. I hate feeling I am taking advantage of anyone.

He was disappointed and tried to talk me out of it, but at this point there is no going back on my decision.  He doesn’t understand why I want to stop seeing him if everything is going well. I don’t think it is a matter of want but of need.  I feel I need to stop it.  Let me return to my string of one-dates, something I have mastered and know well.  Something that is non-threatening and leaves all my options open.

At the end of the day I am still trying to figure it out what all this means.  I don’t have all the answers…well, clearly I have no answers!  Is it my heart telling me he is just not the one? Is it still too soon to try to love again?  Am I, deep down inside, fearful of being cheated on again?  Am I dumping him before he dumps me?  Am I afraid of making the wrong choice?  Is fear of getting hurt preventing from giving myself 100% to another person?

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

The problem with online dating is that is just too easy to get a date, there is always an option, so why settle? What if I settle with the wrong guy and the right guy comes along?

I need to stop over-thinking.  I decided to continue following my heart even when it does not make sense, such as now.  As long as I continue to be honest with myself and with the people I am dating all will be okay.

There is a reason why I am breaking things off.  I don’t know what that reason is right at this moment but eventually I will know.  For now I just need to know that that is what my heart wants and what I need.

I do feel extremely guilty by disappointing this guy. I do feel I actually did him a favor.  He is now free to meet the right person for him.

Nothing like a boyfriend to make me realize how awesome being single is!!

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.”― Paulo Coelho, Alchemist

 

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The importance of dreaming and believing!

19 Monday Jan 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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I am the Queen of Unfinished projects. I start everything, often at the same time and then they remain unfinished. Why?

I often say I lack focus. It is obvious, if I had focus I would buckle down and finish all I started.

I often, then, think that what I lack is not focus, but planning.  Perhaps if I wrote a plan down. After all one of my favorite speakers, Steve Maraboli says: “If you have a goal, write it down. If you do not write it down, you do not have a goal – you have a wish.”

But I write things down.  I am also the queen of making lists.  I take a certain pleasure out of putting items in a to do list and then crossing them off as I do them.  Ok, I now need to confess a secret: I some times will add items I have already done to the list only for the pleasure of crossing it off – that is a little mental, right?

But simply making a list is different from making a plan or listing goals.  A list is simple, such as : do laundry, take book backs to the library, call a friend.  A goal is different, I cannot just write down:  become a doctor.  I have to list the steps and set about accomplishing that goal.  I cannot achieve that goal with the performance of only one task.

So I keep going on and on to anyone who would listen that lately I lack focus and I lack planning and most importantly I lack goals. And I go on telling people how I was so focused when I first arrived in this country.  I didn’t let anything deter me from my goals.

What has changed in the past 30 years since then?

Today, on Martin Luther Kings’s Day I realized a big thing. I don’t need a plan, I don’t need clear goals (I didn’t really have any set clear goals back then, I had a dream), all I need is a dream and the belief that I can accomplish that dream.

So I came to the realization that what I lack lately is dreaming and believing. People are different,  I am the type of person that doesn’t need goals, I need dreams, I need fairy-tales.

When I first arrived in this country I didn’t have clear goals, I had dreams! And I had a very powerful weapon on my side: Belief! I believed it in my goals no matter how unattainable they seemed at that time!

I believed that God would take care of me no matter what!  I believe that good things come to people that do good!  I believed in working hard and being rewarded for it.  I believe in improving myself each day!  I believed that I would be okay no matter what!

And guess what?  My life today is a combination of all my beliefs.  I think that in the past 30 years I lost the naivete and innocence that I had when I first arrived.  I am smarter, more cultured.  I now speak English, I now have a great job, I now have money.

Perhaps dreams are the stuff of the desperate.  When you don’t have anything else on your side, you dream!  I arrived with no money, no job, no English, no clear goals, no idea at all of what I would be doing.  I struggled, I struggled a lot.  I heard a lot nos, and I had the disbelief of friend and still I marched on.  I arrived with only one dream:  a better life.  And that can have different meanings to different people, to me meant being able to go to college, getting a good paying job, buying a home, becoming legal in this country.  I did all that, I have all that now and even more.

Am I dreamless lately? perhaps a bit, or perhaps I just have focused my energy into one specific dream, finding a partner.  And that is going well, or bad, depending on how you look at it.

So, this post that is very representative of my life – constructive chaos! While writing I am checking and chatting with people from E-Harmony and POF.  I am organizing my underwear drawer (why do I need 40 bras, when I only use 3 or 4?). I am taking stuff from storage and taking stuff to storage.  I am chatting with my accountant on some work issues (and also with the computer guy, because the connection to work is not that great).  I had breakfast.  I started watching Braveheart.  I made lists of what I need to accomplish today and during the week.  I am indeed the Queen of starting projects and by the grace of God some will actually get finished.

I have been incapable of finishing a post in the past 10 days.  I have started many on favorite subjects, such as dealing the troubles with my car – how that is teaching me patience, the blessing of having an aunt that is turning 106 years old -what am I doing to age gracefully, my dates with the math teacher – how I push people away, etc, etc

So this time I am going to do something totally out of character for me, I am going to publish this post without being finished.  This post is without a clear thought and not what I want to present you with.  I would need to read it a few more times, and clean it up, but I fear never publishing it, like the posts before.  I know it will be hard for me to live with that, I know it will be even harder for you to make sense of it, but at this point I am choosing not to have another day go by without publishing a post.

What I want you to take from this post is the following: (I so hope that you are able to get something from it and not have 5 minutes that you can never get it back)

The importance of having dreams and believing you can accomplish them!

You don’t need to be organized and have a plan to accomplish things! You do need, however, to believe in that which you want to accomplish! You don’t even need clear goals. It is okay to dream of abstracts such as a better life!  All you need is to wake up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other and start working with the aim of getting that better life.

You need to work hard for what you want!  Nothing worth having and dreaming of having is free and easy.

Above all you need to believe that that which you dream of is already yours.  You are deserving of and it will be yours through hard work and perseverance. Why?  Because you have God on your side and He will never let you down.

Please don’t think I am saying don’t have any plans, that is not it.  A lot people need that structure. What I am saying is that I was too worried about making plans, establishing clear goals, etc that I forgot what is inherently inside of me, which is my ability to dream and believe in that dream.

At the end of the day we need to work with the weapons we have, and I was given a disorganized mind and a believing heart!

May this Martin Luther King Day wake in you your dormant dreams!!  Have a dream and believe in your dreams! Fight for your beliefs with the arms you have!  No matter how small or big your dream is, honor it!

“Faith is taking the first step even when you can’t see the whole staircase.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

 

I Float!

08 Thursday Jan 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body.” ― Seneca

Happiness is not the absence of problems.  Happiness is how you deal with the problems you encounter.

I saw a poster the other day that said:  “If you stop struggling, you float”.  It really resonated with me.  I have been struggling instead of floating lately.  I have been encountering many problems and with each I near that one moment where despair sets in and all seems beyond repair, when it feels nothing is going right.

I realize that my faith is being tested. My very positive self is being put to a test. Even though I am very positive I realize there is still room for improvement.

So I have been making a very conscious effort to change how I deal with problems in my life.  I no longer try to immediately attack it aiming for results without any thought or regard to my actions.  I no longer react without pause and careful consideration.  I also no longer try to slam the door on a problem pretending that it doesn’t exist and hoping it will go away – I call that the Brazilian way, but it is extremely ineffective! Instead I am opening the door and inviting the problems in.  We sit, we talk, we arrive to conclusions.  I am choosing to treat it as a friend and in turn it does become my friend.  It no longer has control over me.  It is no longer my enemy, it has now become my ally.

When I don’t react, when I take the time to look at a problem with comprehension and not anger, everything changes.  I end up realizing that the problem is not as big as it originally appeared.

The moment I embrace it, it eases up on me.  I am no longer scared to the point of despair or paralysis.  I look into its eye and what I see is not this enemy trying to destroy me, instead it is a patient teacher, a caring mentor.  It is not here to hurt me or cause me pain.  Pain and hurt are mere conduits, mere distractions, just steps necessary in my ascendance to a better place.

Problems have a mission in our lives and their mission is to mold us into a better and stronger person.  We can either accept that or fight it.  Accepting makes the road much easier.

“Being challenged in life is inevitable, being defeated is optional.” ― Roger Crawford

Welcoming problems as lessons, teachers, opportunities, etc changes the whole dynamic. This one little shift in attitude, welcoming problems instead of fighting them, is making a dramatic improvement in my life.  I now see it a chance for me to grow and shine.  The bigger the problem I am facing the greater the chance, and the bigger the reward at the end.  I get to analyze the situation, I get to make choices.

In 2015 I am inviting to sit at my table all my friends that go by different names such as trouble, problems, mistakes, challenges, curve balls, hurdles, obstacles, etc.  Once they are welcomed in they become opportunities, goals, lessons, growth, steps, acceptance, maturity, tests of faith, etc.

They are already a part of my life anyway, but now they are recognized and treated as guests.  Problems used to make me feel out of control and totally at the mercy of others, now we co-exist in harmony.

“The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it.” ― Molière

Inviting problems to my dinner table is my idea of floating, of making peace with that that robs my sanity, and drives me to reach for food as solace. Nothing like a problem to kick my emotional hunger in high gear.

I could go and hide my face in a slice of chocolate cake, or I could become paralyzed with fear, but eventually I have to deal with whatever problems life throws at me.  How I look at it makes a world of difference.

I think there is always a problem before a big miracle.  There is always a test, a roadblock to test our resolve.  So now I see a problem for what it is: the appetizer that doesn’t taste so good before a meal that is going to be amazing. So, no need to despair just work on the problem and move on to bigger and better things.

My 2 main points here are: 1) Problems are good, accept it! and 2) We are in charge, but not alone!

We are in control, as far as anyone can be actually in control of anything 🙂 We have a choice.  We can control how we perceive and react to a problem.  I choose to be the driver and not the passenger in this road trip.  I want to make my own way and not crumple at the sight of a little inconvenience. How one deal with problems separate the victims from the survivors, from the heroes. I was never a victim and don’t plan on starting now.

Why should I be deserving of rewards and miracles when at any minor inconvenience I throw in the towel, I despair? What does that say about me and my faith?  I need to remember that I am never alone and for whatever problem I face there is always a solution.  A problem presents itself but so does a solution.

Accepting that problems will happen, understanding that they are here to make me a better person, and knowing that I am never alone, helps me to deal with the dark moment and not over dramatize anything and make mountains out of molehills.

Problems also have an incredible way of teaching gratitude.  Gratitude for so many days without any problems and gratitude for the solution that is always there!

All of a sudden life is lighter, even though this evening had me face a problem that I had already spent money last week to solve.  Oh well, I marvel at the hidden reward of a returning problem. Did I miss the lesson the first time around?

I am done struggling! Now I float…and it feels divine!  Try it!

 “You will face your greatest opposition when you are closest to your biggest miracle.” ― Shannon L. Alder