Monthly Archives: February 2015

Beware of pretty packages…

24 Tuesday Feb 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 45 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

“They’ll try to make you forget who you are or try to make you ashamed. But you mustn’t forget and you mustn’t be ashamed.” ― Stephanie Dray, Lily of the Nile

It is amazing how life has a way of making us confront our beliefs and judgments making us doubt and second guess ourselves and in the process teaching us valuable lessons!

I met someone that on paper and, at first, in person seemed perfect.  He was younger than me by a few years.  He had a boyish charm that drew me in.  Our sense of humor matched perfectly.   He has a very high paying job that he conquered though hard work even though he is from a rich family. He was smart and witty.   For one day/night I got to be on his side and see how my life would be while in his arms.  I could already see the parties, fancy dinners, and only the best and high class all the way.  I could see myself being pampered not only with the finer things in life, but, most important, with attention and care.  I had a glimpse of it and I enjoyed it.  He was a perfect gentleman too, doors opened, chairs pulled, etc.  He also had a way of making me feel safe and totally at ease.  We had a great very long date and by all indications this was the first of many more amazing dates as he seemed to be as enamored of me as I was of him.  I should have already guessed that it was too good to be true.

Towards the end of the date he invited me to spend the next weekend together.  I said yes immediately.  This time I was not thinking of “too much too soon” as I did with the last guy…go figure!  I cannot figure myself out, so I don’t expect you to understand why for one guy I want to slow everything down and for another the speed of light doesn’t seem fast enough.  I blame it on my crazy heart.

“Confidence is knowing who you are and not changing it a bit because of someone’s version of your reality is not their reality.” ― Shannon L. Alder

As he was describing how much fun the weekend  was going to be with dinners, swimming, spa treatments, he mentions something almost under his breath.  I almost failed to hear while embedded with all the other activities.  I ask for clarification as I am hoping my ears are betraying me. But no, I heard correctly, part of this amazing weekend would involve drugs.  And he was not talking weed, but something more potent.

While I try not to be judgmental and I try to respect people’s opinions and choices they make for their lives,  getting involved with drugs is not what I want for my life.  I have witnessed the destruction that can cause in people’s lives.  And just recently I have been guilty of judging a close friend that I suspect is involved with drugs.  I said to someone: “I don’t get how he got involved with this at this age.  He is old enough to know better.”

So here I am, old enough to know better, and yet still contemplating such an endeavor.

“Drugs are a waste of time. They destroy your memory and your self-respect and everything that goes along with your self esteem.” ― Kurt Cobain

I am embarrassed to say that I didn’t immediately disagree with everything he was saying.  He was so matter of fact about it, as if he was talking about having dessert.  I didn’t say no, I was just trying to find a way in which that would be okay.  I was considering it.  I have to be completely honest that for a second I thought what if I tried only once?  We parted ways with him thinking I was cool with it, with me thinking perhaps but knowing full well in my heart and mind that there was no way I would put myself in a situation to be around drugs, let alone use it.  That lifestyle is not for me.  I am perfectly happy without adding extra dramas to my life.  I am already high on life and its infinite possibilities.  I am trying more and more to be present in the now, so the last thing I want to do is to use drugs to get away form the present moment.  My life is great, I am not in pain, so I don’t need to numb my feelings and get away from my head.  I don’t have any problems that I need help forgetting, all I have are opportunities.

This situation showed me how tempting and how vulnerable I can be.  I am sure life threw me this curve ball to make me more respectful and less judgmental of other people’s situation, because I never know when I will be put in a similar situation and perhaps not have the power to make the right decision. It also showed some weak areas that I need to work on.

“Drug misuse is not a disease, it is a decision, like the decision to step out in front of a moving car. You would call that not a disease but an error of judgment.” ― Philip K. Dick

This afternoon with a clear mind I texted him and got it all out of my chest and canceled the weekend date. It felt good to tell him exactly how I felt.  I did feel old fashioned and close minded for a second when he asked questions about my decision. I didn’t expect him to try to change my mind and he didn’t.  I am glad that he mentioned this lifestyle right away.  Well I think it would have been better if he had mentioned on his profile so that he would attract only the kind of people interested in the same thing. But at the same time I don’t regret meeting him.

The lesson here is: “Not all that glitters is gold!” From all the guys I ever dated and, pretty much all the men I know, I would vote him least likely to be involved with drugs.  So this has been a huge wake up call.

Another thing I learned is that one has to be always watchful because you never know when temptation will knock on your door.  The knock will always be an opportunity, an opportunity to show strength.

So from now on I will make a point of asking potential dates if they are into drugs.

I do feel enriched by the experience, I feel happy that it happened, I feel proud that I stood up to what I believe in and made the right choice for me!

In the end the choice was easy and clear!

“I don’t do drugs. I am drugs.” ― Salvador Dalí

Advertisement

The art of restraint

14 Saturday Feb 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 33 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , ,

20150212_175716

“You build walls to fortify your heart,
and blame on others for your loneliness.”
― Toba Beta, Master of Stupidity

I stepped away from a relationship with the guy mentioned in the previous post.  It was too much, too soon and I just felt closed in.  He agrees with some of the readers here that I should see a therapist to help me sort out my feelings.  He, and my friends here, are probably right but for now I will stay put and will continue following my heart and trying to figure things out on my own.  Stubborn is my middle name!

He agreed to just be friends for now, even though he says he hopes I will change my mind. Unfortunately this Aries never changes her mind!  There is a first time for everything but I would not hold my breath if I were him.

***

So back to the dating pool:

This guy from E-harmony calls me.  It is the first time we are speaking.  We had only gone through the questions on the site, so we didn’t really have much information on each other.  I imagine this phone call would be a good way to get a lot information about each other without wasting too much time on back and forth emails.

For the first time ever I don’t monopolize the conversation.  I normally have so much to say that I keep cutting people off – I am not proud of that and I continuously work on being able to listen without interrupting.  I am super proud of myself because I am actually allowing this guy to talk.

Unfortunately for over 30 minutes all he did was complain about his last girlfriend.  He went on and on how she didn’t show her true self until months into the relationship, so he felt betrayed, etc, etc.

I wanted to be polite and thought he just needed to vent so I let him keep going.  I also knew that he was only accomplishing one thing:  Turning me completely off!  I managed to say a few words here and there to try be a part of the conversation but 90% of the talking was done by him.

I think at some point he realized he was talking too much because he said: “I am going to let you talk”, but he proceeded to talk anyway.  At this point I am thinking to myself: Should I point out to him that this is not the best way to talk to a prospective date?  I didn’t.  I sensed he would not welcome constructive criticism, and honestly I felt I didn’t have the energy to point out the error of his ways.  He had already lost me by now.

“I pay no attention whatever to anybody’s praise or blame. I simply follow my own feelings.” ― Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

He finally stops talking about the ex-girlfriends (yes, plural! he mentioned another one that he felt wasn’t honest with him either). I am thinking that perhaps now he will ask me questions, something to get to know me.  He did ask me a question:

“Do you think you are interested in me?”

“I don’t know!  I know nothing about you and we didn’t even meet in person”, I said.

He says: “But we have been talking on the phone for 30 minutes, that should give you an idea”

I said:  “The idea that I get from our 30 minutes conversation is that you really don’t like your ex-girlfriends and feel they tricked you.  We have not talked about us, about our likes, dislikes, plans for the future, etc. You have not asked me anything, and I didn’t have a chance to ask you anything.”

I guess he didn’t like my answer because he then starts telling me that he can tell a lot from the way a person talks, by the velocity of the speech, by how loud or soft someone speaks. He then said I speak too fast, too loud and too aggressive on the phone. He also said that I didn’t make him feel good about himself. He said that women should have a softer welcoming tone of voice, and be more agreeable specially when meeting a man for the first time”.

I so wanted to lash out and say: “It is not that I am aggressive, the problem is that you are too weak to deal with an assertive woman.  It is not my job to make you feel good about yourself! Perhaps you should work on making yourself feel good first and then date.  I am not here to validate you and make you feel like a man”

“To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.” ― Aristotle

But I didn’t!  What would be the point?

At this point I am congratulating myself on my restraint. Before the break-up, before Kabbalah, before the many self-help books, before years of writing this blog, before age and experience, I would not have listened quietly to that.  I would have let that affect me personally.  That criticism would cut like a knife and I would end up saying exactly what I thought of him.

But not now, not anymore.  I have to be honest and say that for a second, for a brief second, I thought to myself: is he right about this?  Then I decided to take that stupid notion out of my mind. He is entitled to feel whatever he feels, but that doesn’t make it true. I have never been accused of being aggressive, even when disagreeing with someone I do it kindly.  I do speak fast and somewhat loud, but I am a Brazilian New Yorker, so that is a given.  However most men tell me they find my voice and accent sexy.

So I listened to everything in complete silence.  He went on and on, and if I hadn’t put a stop to it he would probably have gone another 30 minutes on how bad I sound on the phone.  Finally I just said: “I agree we are not a match.  Best of luck to you!” and I hung up.

What saddens me a bit is that I try to leave people and places better than I found them but in this case I knew it was a losing battle. It was like talking to a wall the two times I tried to say something. He had his opinion formed about the ex-girlfriends and about myself.

“When restraint and courtesy are added to strength, the latter becomes irresistible.” –Mahatma Gandhi

At the end of the day I am happy with myself because I see progress.  I have been able to let someone monopolize the conversation without interruption.  I have been able to not react and “fight back”. Most important I found out that:

  1. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all
  2. I no longer need to always point out the obvious
  3. I don’t need to have the last word
  4. I don’t need to prove I am right
  5. I don’t need to justify myself
  6. I don’t need to please everyone
  7. I don’t need to be understood by all
  8. It is enough to know that I am true to myself and I speak my truth
  9. It  is enough to know that my heart is in the right place

Some people will love me, some will hate me, some will try to pick me apart, but that is a cost I am happy to pay for the honor and right of being myself and not attempt to change to fit in.

“Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for directions.” ― Winston S. Churchill

from burnt toast to wedding toast

08 Sunday Feb 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 33 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

“If the problem can be solved why worry? If the problem cannot be solved worrying will do you no good.” ― Śāntideva

Sometimes I feel my mind is too small to fit in all I need /want to do.  I fear things will spill out and get forgotten and never done.  It is a weird feeling, but that is my life at this moment…so much to do, so little time, so little money, and no control over anything.  So many obstacles… people not doing their job, mishandled orders, parts broken, appointments missed, appointments never scheduled, car not starting, keys lost … but also tiny little blessings at every corner, keys found 🙂

“I may do some good before I am dead–be a sort of success as a frightful example of what not to do; and so illustrate a moral story.” ― Thomas Hardy

On Thursday my multi-tasking, or perhaps my lack of focus, cost the office our beloved toaster.  I put a couple of slices of bread in it and went on to do a few (several) other things (mistake #1).  All of a sudden someone yells “something is burning”.   I ran to the kitchen and opened the oven door (mistake #2) and flames just shoot out.  The next few seconds was a blur of panic.  Everyone failed to see the extinguisher a foot away.  One co-worker unplugged the toaster while the other threw containers of water on it.  In the mean time I looking around looking for a blanket or something like that to extinguish the flames, but all I see is paper towels (no, not mistake # 3).

I am happy to report that besides a dead toaster, a wet kitchen, a tiny little burn on my finger (I am not sure how I got it) and being the butt of many jokes the whole day, all is well.  Yesterday, Friday (Bagel Day in the office) was just not the same without the toaster.  I will buy another one, but I am now looking for one that has some kind of alarm or shut-off button.  Any suggestions?

This is both a warning sign and a lesson.  Let’s hope I did learn something and will not make the same mistake again.  I seriously doubt it… as I write this I am chatting with a Sears representative  online, I am doing a company Census, e-mailing the accountant and texting my date for tonight.  I need to learn to do one thing at a time and see it to completion before moving on to a new task.

***

“Maybe we are running from something because we don’t want to find out what we are running from” ― Iva Marija Bulić

Updating my previous post: https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2015/01/29/miss-fearless-is-terrified/

The man in question, I will call him Mr. TV agreed to slow things down.  It was either that or never see me again – so he chose the first.  We are going out tonight.  I am coming to the conclusion that the reason why I am rejecting him is because he wants me so much.  In his eyes I can do no wrong.  It is what I want, when I want.  It makes me think of Grouch Marx when he said: “I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept people like me”.

We shall see where this will go… For now I am controlling my need to run away for now.

***

“Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.” ― Elie Wiesel

Remember my first date after the break up?  https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/05/29/first-e-harmony-date/

He got married!  Yes, I have to admit that for a second I had the thought “it could have been me”.   He is a wonderful guy with a love for learning and traveling, 2 things that are near and dear to my heart.  I see pictures of the happy couple gallivanting around the globe and I do feel a twinge of jealousy.  But, the truth is I am very happy for him.  It seems he found the right person for him.  He and I were not a match, so no matter how unbelievable the life he could have offered me was, it would never make me or him happy.

The crazy part:  I was invited to the wedding celebration to be held in March in Atlanta!

The crazier part:  I am going!

It would be easier to decline the invitation, but I was never a fan of taking the easy route. I thought for awhile about what his invitation meant and what my accepting it meant.  I realize that I do not need to impart any serious meaning or ulterior motive to an invitation for a happy event.  Why must we always complicate everything?

“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” ― Helen Keller