Category Archives: Daily Life

of trips and falls and the need to change …

14 Wednesday Aug 2013

Posted by in Daily Life

≈ 27 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

“Overconfidence precedes carelessness.” 
― Toba Beta

(I wrote this on Saturday,  August 10)

Instead of being en route to Boston I am sitting here at Penn Station with broken fingernails, scraped and painful knees, a sore wrist and wearing a pair of ripped jeans.  That is the result of falling while running to catch a train.

When I fell I had no time to be embarrassed, but the fact that I fell  on the sidewalk of a very busy street, right where there was the weekly Farmer’s Market is not lost on me.  I quickly gathered all the spilled contents of my bags and took off running even faster.  I got to the station with a 1 minute to spare.

The train is late, giving me time to finally assess the damages.  Only now I realize my jeans are ripped on the right knee.  2 fingernails on my left hand are broken.  My knees are throbbing and when I look through the hole I see blood.  I am not even sure what to think or feel.  I guess the prevailing feeling is anger at myself. I can’t blame this on an uneven sidewalk or anything else, this is all on me!

Finally after 10 minutes, that seems like 10 hours, the train comes and I jump in.  I get settled in the comfortable seat.  My entire body is sore, so it feels great to let my body relax in the seat and get ready for the 4 hour trip.

I am not relaxed for long.  When the conductor comes and takes a look at my ticket, his face falls.  He looks like he is going to start crying.  He explains I am on the train to Washington and not to Boston.  He cannot understand how I didn’t hear the many announcements he made.  I consoled him and said it was not his fault, three or four times.   I remember hearing announcements but never dawned on me to think to pay attention to what was being said.  Also, the fact that the train was heading South instead of North was another detail I had failed to notice.

The conductor informs me that luckily the train is making a stop at Penn Station in NY City where I can get off and catch another train.  After the conductor leaves I sit there thinking of how I need to change my ways. Why must I wait until the last minute to leave the house?  Did I really need to vacuum the apartment? Did I need to make my own salad to bring? Why must I come up with 300 things to do and then have to run like a bat out of hell?

I laugh welcoming this little curve ball, realizing there are lessons here! I need to learn them and change my ways otherwise some thing worst than a bruised knee and a ripped pair of jeans is bound to occur.

With all being said about my need to change my ways, my positive self thinks that all this happened for a reason.  I was not meant to be in that train and was meant to be sitting at Penn Station right now.  I do not know why.  I do not need to have a reason, I just need to believe that at this moment I am where I need and was meant to be!

“For myself I am an optimist – it does not seem to be much use to be anything else.”― Winston Churchill

***

After I wrote the above, my train was delayed and eventually canceled. I had paid $60 more to be put on the 12pm Acela Express instead of the regular 1pm train.  The Acela kept being pushed back due to mechanicals problems.  The girl at the Amtrak counter tells me to wait until 12:45 and if the Acela is not set to leave she will put me on the 1pm.  I make sure to ask if there will be still room on that.  She said: There is plenty of room.  Now, almost 12:45pm the announcement says the Acela has been canceled.  I go to the counter, not waiting in line and going straight to the girl from before.  When she tried to put me on the 1pm, she says: “oh, it is sold out!”.    I think at this point I have tears rolling down my face.  She feels my pain and is talking to co-workers and supervisors to see what can be done.  All of a sudden after a phone call to someone she says that the Acela is back on.

What Amtrak ended up doing was combining both trains in the 1 pm.  There wasn’t enough room, so take a guess who had to ride standing until the next station? At the next station people left and seats became available.  That station happened to be my town,  where I had started my trip 3 and a half hours early.  Yes, it was tempting to just get off the train and go home.

It all seemed like a never ending comedy, where the only not laughing was me!

My tears at the Amtrak counter were not about wasting money and time, or ripping my favorite pair of NYDJ jeans,  but about my lack of attention and care.  I tend to be an airhead, careless and klutzy.  I think I cannot waste a minute, and try to pack as much as I can on my day.  All I do is talk about the need to pay more attention to my surroundings and to be in the moment, but no changes have been made.  When am I going to start?  This quirk of mine used to be cute – on Saturday not so much!

At times I do think I suffer of overconfidence.

At the end of the day,  my trip was successful.  I went to Boston to help a friend choose a wedding dress.  That was accomplished, she has a dress now and she was extremely appreciative of my being there to help her choose it.

Now, for the wedding in September I think I will be driving! 🙂

“How could I have been so ignorant? she thinks. So stupid, so unseeing, so given over to carelessness. But without such ignorance, such carelessness, how could we live? If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions—you’d be doomed. You’d be as ruined as God. You’d be a stone. You’d never eat or drink or laugh or get out of bed in the morning. You’d never love anyone, ever again. You’d never dare to.” 
― Margaret Atwood

Who is the new Mosaic Artisan in town? me! me! me!

09 Friday Aug 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me, Mosaic and other crafts

≈ 40 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

“For the things we have to learn before we can do them, we learn by doing them.”  ― Aristotle

I continue to experiment with mosaics.  It has been a very rewarding experience.  I am beginning to think that there is perhaps some creativity within me.   I am also trying to learn discipline and patience.  “Trying” being the key word, as I still struggle with being in the present moment and enjoying the process instead of just wanting to get the job done.

I have been using a variety of materials I find around the house, at the dollar store and at the craft store.  I think that is one of the beauties of mosaic, you can use anything and make it work.

“‎Determination, effort, and practice are rewarded with success.”            ― Mary Lydon Simonsen

I decided to make frames for my family member’s to surprise them with on my next trip to Brazil.  Well it is not much of a surprise because I have already told them what I was up to.  🙂

And here they are for your viewing pleasure.  Please keep in mind that I still have to clean some of the grout from around and on top of some tiles.  I am giving my sore fingers a break from this detailed job for now.

This one I made for my Mom.  I made it from stones and buttons.   She collects owls and if you look closely you will see tiny owls on the side and at the top.

IMG_1119

This one I made for my dad.  He adores animals, specially dogs.  There are 14 different types of dogs on it.  Also made with buttons.

IMG_1122

This one I made for my brother.  He is a spots fan so I was happy to have found those buttons in the shape of different balls.  It is made from tessarae (ceramic tiles).

IMG_1116

This last one, but not least,  I made for my sister.  It is made with glass tiles and other buttons and silver plaques.  She is a teacher so I have some school related decorations (pencils, ruler, etc).  On the 6 silver little plaques at the top are the following words: Faith, Believe, Love, Hope, Destiny and Play.

IMG_1121

This last one, but not least,  I made for my sister.  It is made with glass tiles and other buttons and silver plaques.  She is a teacher so I have some school related decorations (pencils, ruler, etc).  On the 6 silver little plaques at the top are the following words: Faith, Believe, Love, Hope, Destiny and Play.

They look much better in person,  but they still look like a child’s school project,  but I am so proud of getting them done.  I look forward to making more and improving, improving, improving.

“Practice makes the master.” 
― Patrick Rothfuss

My first day at the Nursing Home!

07 Wednesday Aug 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

≈ 22 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

“You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.” 
― Kahlil Gibran

As I pull out of the parking lot of the nursing home I feel tears welling up in my eyes.  I am trying to process the past 2 and a half hours.

I let the tears flow uninterrupted.  It is hard to describe the multitude of feelings that are all fighting for first place.  I am sad, happy, overwhelmed, calm, powerless, mighty, unsettled, determined, humbled, proud and the list goes on and on.  Last night was a defining moment for me.

It was my first night volunteering at the at the nursing home.  I have been searching for volunteering opportunities for a long time.  I volunteered in Breezy Point  in the aftermath of the Hurricane and I loved it, but I also overdid with the manual labor  and had to stop because of my hip injury.  I was so down about that. So I was happy to finally find a place that wanted me.

“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” 
― Winston Churchill

Still in all my happiness to start volunteering, as the day was coming near I was growing more and more apprehensive.  I was making so many excuses in my mind on how this was a dumb idea and all the many different ways I could better spend my Monday night.  I had twinges of regret of having committed myself to this.  But making an excuse and not going was not an option.

I got there and was paired up with D.   D. works there as a therapist and the last 2 hours of her shift she spends visiting the residents.  I am so happy to report that this person embodies what a person that works in a nursing home should be like.  She is kind, calm, smiley and eager.  She exudes goodness.

She really didn’t know what job to give me as the person in charge of Volunteers is on vacation this week and had not left any instructions.  So I just tagged along  as she made her visits.  I love how respectful of their space she was, always asking for permission before entering their rooms, which is something,  that I have to be honest about it,  I would not have thought to do.

“It’s not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.” 
― Mother Teresa

We went into probably 10 different rooms and met perhaps another 10 people in the halls.  Since I always focus on results, I am already doing the math and realizing that I need to come in more often to be able to see more people.   Sometimes I forget the middle, the during, the journey.   I forget the real reason some job is performed, not everything is about a final result.  The point is not to see as many people as possible, but to make sure that whoever I see and whatever amount of time I have with them is a special time for them.

Something miraculously happened within the first 30 minutes.  I gotta out of my own head and focused on each moment and made each person the center of my world for that moment.

“A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal.” 
― Steve Maraboli

At the end of the evening I realized I was born for this. Even though there is sadness in their disabilities and limitations, I like to think that I saw happiness too.  I saw fighters and warriors and I believe I a light that made them shine.  I made them smile and even if in an effort to make a joke I said the wrong thing I know they felt that my words were coming from a good place within in my being, from my heart.

My control freak side tried to make an appearance as this extreme fear of becoming old and dependent as everyone I met last night were. But why dwell on what I cannot control? It doesn’t matter rich or poor, beautiful or ugly, fat or thin, at some point our bodies and minds will start to go and no amount of fighting will be able to turn that around. 

“For it is in giving that we receive.” 
― St. Francis of Assisi

Please don’t think I am this great good-hearted  person.  Last night I gained much more than I gave.  I gained appreciation for my blessed life. I gained a different insight on the value of maintaining a healthy mind and body.   I gained love and acceptance from people that had never met me before.  Gosh, am I making volunteering all about me or am looking for lessons and opportunities in everything?   Is it all about what I can get out of it, or perhaps I am just exploring the extra benefits of extending a hand?  You be the judge.

I already have my mind made up that visiting the residents is what I want to do.  I had mentioned to the director that I was willing to take any job and help with office work, etc, but I think my time will be best used talking and sitting with the residents.  I am going to ask for a list of the residents that never have any visitors.  I want to bring them, in one word, Hope!  I want, not say, but demonstrate, that at least one person cares!

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.” 
― Charles Dickens

A quick update on previous posts

31 Wednesday Jul 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me, Mosaic and other crafts

≈ 36 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

Life happens and then all of a sudden I realize that I have not posted anything in one week.  I don’t want you guys to forget about me and find another blog to read, plus I miss all the terrific comments.  I have learned and grown so much from my post and the responses to it! 🙂

What has been happening is work has gotten really busy and after I goofed on a couple of things I am making sure that I am dedicating my time at work to work (what a crazy idea! lol).  I also have stepped up my hip exercises, and have been working more on my mosaics.  But all of that is no excuse not to make time to something I love: blogging!

So here are updates relating to previous posts:

“Magic trick: to make people disappear, ask them to fulfill their promises.“
Mason Cooley 

 
On The disappearing Act  https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/06/26/the-disappearing-act/

Since I could not let bygones be bygones I went straight to the point and asked Mr. Disappearing what happened.  He said that he is having medical and care issues with his mother, and he also added and I quote: “I felt you are still not over your last boyfriend. Dragging things and hopping maybe is going to turn better is not something i want to experience at this time..”

Fair enough!  Perhaps I should have not spend hours talking about Ex on that last date lol  oh well, I kinda knew the reason why he disappeared, but it is good to have a confirmation and not wonder anymore.

on the hip pain https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/05/02/my-hips-dont-lie-neither-does-my-back/

I continue to do physical therapy,  now once a week instead of twice.  It has gotten a lot better, but I am still not 100%.  What plagues my mind is the question: Will I ever be 100%?  I try to be positive and I know the reality that the answer to that question depends solely on me.  So I am doing my part!  I am following my exercises and stretches to a T.  I have also started using my elliptical machine again.  My aim is 30 minutes, but for now it is until my hip starts hurting which is after 15/20 minutes.  After the exercises and stretches, I am making sure I use a foam roller and I apply ice.

Slow and steady! Slow and steady!

Volunteering – https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2012/03/06/first-step-in-volunteering-and-going-back-to-dance/

Finally I am all set to start volunteering.  After, what I felt, it was a lot of red tape, I will start volunteering at a the Dementia/Alzheimer Unit in a nursing home starting this coming Monday.  I will do one evening a week and see how it goes.  On Friday I went for an orientation, then and now I am am experiencing a multitude of feelings, anxiety, excitement and nervousness about it.  I guess it is only normal to feel apprehensive about something new.  We shall see how it will go!

Milton https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com//?s=milton&search=Go

I continue to stop and chat with Milton.   This past weekend he said he took the subway to the Bronx and played cards with friends.  He won $27 dollars.  He said I brought him luck.  I am glad to see that he has friends he associates with.  Last week he wanted to get me a pink watch similar to the one he has.  I declined and said I have enough watches, which is true.  I am not sure what he meant by get.

****

The next 2 post will be update on Ex and Mosaics.  Ex’s absence in my life has played a huge role on where I am today.  I am getting more and more into my mosaics.  They still look like a child’s school project but I am so proud of them. Stay tuned…

My crazy friend Dalton!

22 Monday Jul 2013

Posted by in Daily Life

≈ 34 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

I have known Dalton since he arrived in NY from Brazil in 1985. We have one of those relationships where we spend years without seeing each other and may speak once a year, or even longer, but every time we talk we pick up where we left off, like we had just spoken yesterday.

He will call me when he has an art showing or he is planning a trip to Brazil.  I call him when I see his name or his sculptures/artwork in some publication.

Dalton makes sculptures on the lead of a pencil (or whatever the inside of a pencil is made of).  I think he simply calls it “sharpening”.  The type of crazy detailed work that few can do or has the crazy detailed patience and focus to attempt.

I called him last week because I saw a small blurb about his artwork on O, The Oprah Magazine.  I left a message saying that I wanted to make sure to be in touch with him now that he was about to explode in popularity.  He had a good laugh about it.  He has one of those very freeing laughs, and he normally laughs at everything I say.

Dalton made me realize that I have great friends and that I should make more of an effort to be in touch with them.  I wish I would call friends more often, but unfortunately I am one of those friends that is right here for you should you need me but I will not call you unless I have something to say.  I have to stop that.  I have to start calling just to say hi, and say that I care.

Anyway, going back to Dalton, I call him crazy, not only because of his art work, but because of the minimalist way he chooses to live his life.  He doesn’t own a TV, computer or even a cell phone.   He has a Facebook account and a website now, but both are done and maintained by a friend.  I am not sure he even looks at them.

He told me now that he recently gave up listening to the radio.  He says he finds that since then he is more aware of his surroundings, the world and himself.  He has had more and clearer ideas. I don’t doubt that!

I am in awe and a little jealous of that type of focus,  but at the same time I think that is too drastic.  I believe in moderation.  Could I live without TV?  I believe I could as I believe that I can do whatever I set my mind to.  But, I believe that there is good and bad in everything, technology included.  It all depends on how you use it, and how much you use it.

Even though I enjoy living alone, everything I do is accompanied by the TV or the radio.  TV has always been part of my life.  My TV is my cat or dog, it is companion.  You will never find me just sitting and watching it, but it will be on most of the time.  If the TV is off, then the radio is on.  Perhaps I do have a problem with silence.  I notice that if I am with other people and there is silence I immediately fill it by saying something.  I can never let silence reign.

I think I need to try meditating again.  I attempted at the time of the Break up, and I think it helped.  I was in so much pain at that time that I would have tried anything that I thought it would help.

Enough about me and my shortcomings/bad habits, this post is about Dalton.  I debated the title for awhile as I do have a problem with calling someone crazy just because they are different.  I love the unique, the different, the strange.  I love people that believe and live by their own rules, therefore I respect Dalton immensely.  I decided to leave crazy in the title as this is what I always call him and he takes no offense by it.  I think he sees it as a term of endearment; and it is!

Here is Dalton’s website if you want to check out more of his work out:

http://daltonmghetti.com/

https://www.facebook.com/DaltonGhetti

“I think if I’ve learned anything about friendship, it’s to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don’t walk away, don’t be distracted, don’t be too busy or tired, don’t take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff.” 
― Jon Katz

Milton, my new friend!

16 Tuesday Jul 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Volunteering

≈ 59 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

I walk 10 blocks from my office to Grand Central Station. This is normally very fast paced without much attention paid to my surroundings.  Because of my hip injury I have been forced to slow down and as a consequence I am paying more attention to things and people along the way.

Last week as I walked up Madison Avenue, I noticed that there were 6 beggars (what is the correct word to use?) in those 10 blocks.  I was shocked and saddened.  Some of those faces I had seen before, but most were totally new.

What is their stories?  Where are  their families?  Are they mentally ill? sick? homeless?  Or do they have fully furnished apartments somewhere and just enjoy this lifestyle? I guess I would love to think that the answer is the latest, but it is unlikely.

I am ashamed to say that I am tempted not to walk on Madison Avenue anymore and just use Park Avenue.  One block away and there are no beggars.  The reason why I am tempted to avoid the beggars is because I am at a loss of what to do.  I have written about it before.  Do I give money, food, or do I just ignore them and go along with my life?

I think that what they need most is perhaps a friendly smile and conversation.  I decided to try to talk to the ones that seem receptive.  So far I have managed to speak to only one.  I am afraid of some of the others.  I think I have mentioned in a past post how, many years ago, I approached a man laying on the side walk to hand him a plate of food and he yelled at the top of his lungs for me to leave him alone.  Frankly it scared and scarred me!  At that moment I thought that perhaps is not my right to interfere with anyone’s life unless they asked me directly.

This is Milton.  He was pleasantly surprised when I asked to take a picture of him.  I explained it was for my blog.

Milton

Milton sits in a wheelchair at the entrance of a store that has been closed down.   I asked him where he sleeps and he said that when he gets enough money he sleeps in a hotel around the corner.  He said he worked in that hotel for many years before and they are nice to him.  He mentioned that the city of New York is lining up an apartment for him to move in in August.

I am curious about his situation, but I am not going to bombard him with too many questions at this point.  He said he came from Virginia with the dream of making it big in the city, but due to severe arthritis he has been wheelchair bound and unable to work. Do I complete believe that?  I don’t know,  but I decided it is not my right to question or judge him.  I think that is his truth and is that is good enough for me.

He is so friendly and warm, always with a smile on his face.  Today I asked him if he drinks. He said:  “I am not going to lie to you, I normally have a beer in the afternoon, but never this early” (it was 9 am).  I gave him a few dollars and asked that my money be used to buy food or clothing, but not to drink.  He said okay.

I approached him the first time because he seemed safe, non-threatening.  He was not talking to himself or yelling at the world. He didn’t smell of alcohol or drugs.  He was actually sleeping the first time I approached him, I had not realized that until I said hello and I startled him.  Even when startled he responded with a smile.

I may have approached him also perhaps because of the wheelchair. My father had to have one of his legs amputated, and every man I see in a wheelchair I imagine that man could be my father and I wish more than anything that people treat him as they would  treat any able-bodied man.  And because my father is elderly I wish that people also treat him with respect and kindness.

That is perhaps the reason that I try to be extra kind to elders.  Living so far from my parents, I figure the way I treat the older people I encounter gets translated into the way others treat my parents.  A Universe paying back type of thing.

Speaking of older people, once again I am encountering road blocks in my attempt to volunteer at a nursing home, similar to my attempt at the nursing home at the hospital.  I wonder if the road blocks are a sign saying this is not for me or perhaps it is to test my perseverance in wanting to help.

…but getting back to my original idea when I started writing this post.  Are there more beggars in NY city now? or perhaps I have only now started paying attention. Is this increase in beggars in  New York reflective of the economy? is money at the core? or perhaps drug and alcohol are the main culprits. Families not taking care of their own?  individuals giving up?  the mentally ill not having appropriate care?  not enough jobs, no access to education and healthcare…

At the end of the day, there is no escape, be it in NY or Sao Paulo there needs to be more done for this entire segment of the population.  The high taxes we pay need to go to the right areas.

and what am I doing? what should I be doing?

I am blessed and I know it (we are all blessed but some are blind to it)  While I plan skiing vacations, some don’t know where they will lay their head this very night.   While I sit at a fancy restaurant, some don’t know where their next meal is coming from.  While I cry about not having a boyfriend, some just wish for a friendly smile.

Today I asked Milton if he thought life was good.  He said: “yes, it is very good, thinking otherwise is not going to help”. I said to him: “If you don’t have everything you love , love everything you have”(not sure whose quote this is).  He thought that was the best thing he ever heard.  He said he is going to memorize it and remember it often. oh and he also said I looked so good today, he said I looked like I was going to a party with all my bling. I did dress up a little more than usual today and it is always nice to get a compliment! 🙂

I have a feeling I am going to miss Milton when he moves to his new apartment!

“The only way to have a friend is to be one.” 
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Making mosaic and impatiently learning patience.

11 Thursday Jul 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Mosaic and other crafts

≈ 28 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , ,

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” 
― Leo Tolstoy

After throwing myself that very much needed pity party, I am now in the full “loving to be alive and single” mode.

I have a renewed motivation to get back to learning those things that I always wanted to.  Mosaic is one of those.  Until I win the lottery and I am able to go and apprentice with some famous foreign mosaic maker I am going about it on my own.

These are the last 3 I have made. I actually made 4 recently, but forgot to take a picture of one before I mailed it away. I sent it to Ex’s mother for her birthday. She said she loved it. (yeah we still keep in contact; I decided that I don’t have to stop loving her and talking to her because he is no longer in the picture)

IMG_1091

I made this one for my friend AL that just returned from a vacation in Ireland.  I thought it would be nice for him to put his favorite picture of him and his little girl on his Irish vacation.

I gave it to him as part of his birthday present, along with some books.   I love giving people books that mean something to me.  The lucky guy also got this Brazilian soccer jersey:

I bought it in Brazil on my last trip and hadn’t had a chance to give it to him yet. I decided on blue instead of the traditional yellow because I figure the yellow is for the hardcore fans like myself, plus I think blue is better for his skin tone. 🙂

We went to dinner last night at our local favorite Mexican  restaurant and it was fun.  It had been a couple of months since we had managed to get together.  I gave him his gifts and he was very happy.  It was a fun night catching up.

****

These next two mosaic pieces are of two of my favorite words in the English dictionary:

IMG_1099

The above is better seen from a distance, but if you look at the white only you can clearly (hopefully) see the word hope.

IMG_1094

Working with mosaics has not been easy for me, well anything that requires patience it is not easy for me.  I am the type of person that likes instant gratification.  I love the feeling of accomplishment, of starting something and finishing it.  I like seeing results and soon.  Mosaic requires patience and attention to detail, two things that I think I lack.

I am very happy with my work.  Of course now that they are finished I can see all the ares where I hurried through to just get it done with.  I know that they look very childish and amateurish right now, but I know that with persistence, practice and patience I will be able to make beautiful and professional looking work. And I know that the patience learned here will help in other areas of my life too.

“Our patience will achieve more than our force.” 
― Edmund Burke

I am working on enjoying the process and not only the result.

Be forewarned, if your birthday is coming soon you may end up getting a mosaic frame as a gift. 🙂 I already have some frames planned for every member of my family.

“Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.” 
― Aristotle

Welcome to my pity party and please bring ICE

04 Thursday Jul 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

≈ 44 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , ,

Thank you for joining me in my pity party.  I think this is my first official one, so please allow me to fully enjoy this moment and don’t hold it against me.

I hate when a holiday sneaks up on me likes this 4th of July did.  All of a sudden I find myself alone and with nothing planned.   It feels like the entire world has plans and people to plan it with, except me.

Of course I know better, and know that I am not in this boat alone, but no one can argue with feelings and that is how I am feeling right now.

“Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need                     to be by yourself. Life’s cruelest irony.” ― Douglas Coupland

I wish I had planned to go away, a mini adventure of sorts or anything, even what I used to do in the past on lonely weekends: go to the casino.  With free room, entertainment, and enough points for a spa treatment that always made me happy.  But I haven’t done that in so long that it didn’t even cross my mind until now.

A friend invited me to her house last minute.  I don’t like last minute invitations.  I prefer to plan things in advance. yep, lonely, sad and picky!

“The trouble is not that I am single and likely to stay single, but that                I am lonely and likely to stay lonely.” ― Charlotte Brontë

While I am at it, I just realized that I am in need of new ICE.  Not the stuff found in the freezer or in the cosmopolitan that I very proudly just made myself for the first time.  I was going to have juice from my new juicer, but since this is a party I figure alcohol is in order.  Anyway, the ICE that I mean is the In Case of Emergency.

I realized today, yep only today, that I need to change my ICE on my phone.  My Ex is still listed under ICE on my phone.    Why didn’t I change it before? Was I hoping that eventually he would become my ICE again?  or perhaps it was avoidance, not really wanting to face the fact that he is no longer my rock.

“We live as we dream–alone….” 
― Joseph Conrad

But who should be my ICE?  My next of kin is 4,800 miles away.  I doubt that would be helpful in an emergency.

The realization that I cannot come up with someone to be my ICE person makes me feel even more lonely.  More than lonely, actually, it makes me feel alone in the world.  Yes,I know I am being a drama queen, but it is my party, so allow me to do and feel as I please.  I have friends, great friends, but ICE should be that person(s) that would drop everything to be by my side and I am not sure any of my friends would do that and I would not expect them to either. Perhaps I should expect more from my friends.

Why am I allowing myself to feel this sorry for myself now all of a sudden?  I have been living away from my family (or any relative) for the past 28 years.  I never had too many friends.  I have not always had a boyfriend.  I am now supposed to be older and stronger, not older and weaker.  It is an uncomfortable feeling.

At the same time acknowledging my feelings, even if I am not proud of them, feels important and necessary at this point in my life. I was always the one that never complained or felt sad or sorry for myself.  Allowing myself to fully feel all feelings and not sweep them under the rug is liberating.   Discovering what is really behind some of my actions will probably be what will take me to the next step in healing from this never ending broken heart.  Why am I so intent in finding a partner?  Is it just so I have someone to go away with on holidays?  Realizing that I am not missing Ex, just missing someone is another huge step.  It makes me see the necessity of stopping and taking a deep breath in my quest for a partner. There is a real danger of going into a new relationship for the wrong reason.

I really miss having that one person that you want to call with good or bad news.  I miss being safe with someone. I am tired of being the grown up, responsible, in charge of myself.  It was so much better when, even if it was for a brief moment, that I felt taken care of, cared for, safe.

When I had a flat tire awhile back, I remember thinking to myself that money is a single girl’s best friend.  Money gives you options and also rescues you.  I like the phrase: “Throw money at the problem!”  It has been true to me.  but money doesn’t keep you warm at night, well it can …but we will not go into that.

Whenever I complete forms, mostly medical forms, asking for a contact in case of emergency I have been putting down this person that is always happy to help anyone.  But lately she has been so overburdened with her own family issues that she has not time to spare and I have started to feel bad writing her name down in the case that she really needs to be contacted.  I feel like saying no one, I can only count on myself, but how pathetic is that?

But at the end of this party, I have to say that I really know how truly blessed and lucky I am.  Being alone has its own share of blessings and opportunities.  I am able to do whatever I want, when I want, no need to explain or tell anybody anything. No family constraints or obligations.  I can explore and have as many dates I want with as many men I want.  I can really choose the right one, or perhaps realize that the right thing is to be alone.

This is the time I should be using to do all the things I love and get back to travelling alone like I always did. There is a whole world out there waiting to be explored.  There are tons of things for me to do, to learn, to share, so to spend time feeling sorry for myself is a waste of precious time that I can never get it back.

So this pity party is now officially over.  Thank you for coming and allowing me wallow in pity for this brief moment in time.  Until next holiday!

The disappearing Act

26 Wednesday Jun 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 38 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , ,

I haven’t had too many relationships.  2 major ones to be exact.  I had one relationship for 20 years that ended amicably (it is crazy, but we care for each like brother and sister now).  Then there is Ex, the 3 year relationship that devastated me.  Between those two there was some dating but not a lot, so I don’t consider myself knowledgeable in that area.  All of a sudden at 47 I am a teenager in the dating word, unsure of how to navigate all the unspoken rules.

“The successful man will profit from his mistakes and
try again in a different way.” 
― Dale Carnegie

I hear horror stories about online dating, so I think I have been luckier than most.  The guys I have been meeting have been nice guys, but normally it doesn’t go more than 1 date due to no interest on my part.

Then I met Dan (name changed to protect the guilty).   He had almost everything.  I say almost because he didn’t make me go weak in the knees.  He took me to great restaurants. There was no lack of interesting conversation.   He was such a gentleman and he was not pushy for anything physical.  I had explained that I needed things to go very slow and he said he understood and it was not a problem.  He is the one that, coincidentally, has a showroom just 3 blocks from my office (how perfect I thought!).  The potential for a happy life seemed incredible.  He made me feel special.  I thought to myself: Here is a man that gets me and wants to make me the center of his world. I want that!

“I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside.” 
― Wm. Paul Young

But still after 6 dates I was not feeling it in my heart but I was thinking that perhaps this is where I should let my mind do the talking. I wrote about this mind heart conflict here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/05/27/my-heart-wants-fireworks/

Dan seemed to do all the right things.  I felt special, and was starting to think “maybe”. I was ignoring my heart and letting my mind rule.

Then there was silence:  Dan disappeared!

This happened a couple of weeks ago.  He had texted me, as he normally did asking if I was around on the weekend and I had said yes.  This was a Thursday morning so I expected to hear from him that night to make plans for the weekend.    When Sunday came around and I hadn’t heard from him I was worried that something had happened to him so I texted him.   He texted me back on Monday and I quote: “Sorry for the lateness in replying, I needed some time to sort things out.”

Not knowing what that meant exactly I just replied wishing him luck on sorting things out.

After speaking to my sister about this, she said that perhaps there was something going on with his mom.  He had mentioned that perhaps his mother would have to move in with the brother because it was becoming difficult for her to be alone.  It never crossed my mind that perhaps there was something was wrong with her.   So to have a clear conscience I reached out to him again and said that I was here if he needed to talk and that I hoped that all was okay with his Mother.  I got no reply.

2 weeks go by and I am still confused and shocked by his silence.  Was he just going to disappear and never say a word if I had never had texted him that Sunday?  Is this normal behavior?

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” 
― Edmund Burke

I was still thinking about him and his actions (or lack of it) for 2 reasons.  First I wonder if he really has some big problem going on in his life and second because he had bought tickets to take me to a show of a Brazilian singer tonight (June 26).  Was he going to all of a sudden appear to go to the concert? I was already mentally trying to decide, do I go or just say no?

So the day before yesterday the curious Aries in me couldn’t take it anymore so I texted him and asked how were things.  It took him a day to reply and he said: “ thank you for thinking of him and I am sorry I am not in a good place to communicate”.

Hum? What in the world does that mean?

I just hate stuff like that.  What is the problem with the truth?  I think I am owed that.  Why the mystery?

“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” 
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I just replied wishing him luck and saying I was only worried because I didn’t take him for a man that would just disappear.

At any rate I am still curious to know what exactly happened but not curious enough to show up at his office and demand an explanation.

This, I think, serves as a validation that my heart knew better.  I should have known better than to let my mind start talking me into liking someone when my heart wasn’t in it.  I thank the Universe for giving me an answer to this conflict between my heart and my mind.

When things like this happen I think I should get on my knees and thank heavens  that my heart came out unscathed.  As stupid as it may sound, I feel stronger for it and I feel even closer to finding the One.  It does feel good eliminating the wrong ones (wrong for me) and leaving space for the right one.

… or perhaps I should just buy a safe for my heart and keep it in there and not chance it getting hurt again, this came too close for comfort.

“Hearts are breakable,” Isabelle said. “And I think even when you heal, you’re never what you were before”.” 
― Cassandra Clare

But I am still curious if this is a normal thing, to have great dates and then never hear from the person again?  oh well, the joys of the dating world!

I guess the grieving process is not over :(

23 Sunday Jun 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 48 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

“They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite” 
― Cassandra Clare

I was talking to my sister the other day when she said that I was different after the break up with Ex.   I asked: Different how?  She said: Angrier!

I was shocked! I never expected that answer!  If anything I thought she would have said happier or more at peace, anything along those lines.  But angrier???

At first I was speechless.  For several seconds my mind went numb and I didn’t know what to think, then for another brief second, thoughts of asking for examples of such behavior came to mind.

When I actually recovered my ability to speak I went into defensive mode explaining how what had happened to me would change anyone.  I felt the need to explain how my disappointment was so intense and painful that my only defense was to change.  No more Miss Nice Girl! Of course she didn’t need to hear any of the excuses for my change, as you guys don’t need to hear all of the details on how hurt I was, as you have heard all of that before.

But, was I really angrier?  Any traumatizing event is certain to leave a mark.  This was the most traumatizing event of my life.  No, I have not lived a sheltered life.  I left Brazil at 17 with no English and no money.  I certainly had to grow up fast and had my share of bad times.  But even with everything that I have lived through in my life, with my father battling cancer and coming up triumphant as an example of a terribly difficult time, this break up was an event that I thought it would kill me.

I didn’t need to ask my sister for examples.  I knew she was right.

The aftershocks of this break up are still ongoing.  I had certainly hoped that all my changes would be for the better.  I never thought I would lash out and be angry towards the ones I love the most.  I thought the break up had proved my ability to forgive and to continue to love above all things.  I thought if anything I had became more forgiving of human imperfections.  I forgave Ex and understood the need to look inside myself and take some ownership of my role in the relationship.  I thought I had dealt with things and had moved on. 

“We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.” 
― Marcel Proust

But indeed I am angry!  I am angry at the Universe for showing me true love and then taking it away.  Why must you send me a man that treats me like a Princess for 3 years and then have that fairy tale just fall apart?  Why make me think that I was going to be with this man for the rest of my life and then make the rest of my life last only 3 years.  What now?  I don’t know who I am now.  How to fix a crystal vase?  You can’t!  You can try, but the imperfections are visible.  Those are all questions that I thought had already been put to rest and then all of a sudden they come to the surface again.

I am more impatient.  I want things done yesterday.  I am tougher on people closer to me.  I expect more, I expect people to proof themselves.  I thought I was just being an Aries, but instead was more than that, I am still dealing with hurt.

I am extremely tough on dates.  They have their work cut out for them.  It will not be easy getting into my heart anymore.  I guess I am being difficult with everyone to keep them away from me.  Perhaps my anger is my bullet proof vest .

It all gets back to Ex.  Why is that, 2 years after he still feel as fresh in my life as if it was yesterday?  No, I am not in love with him anymore, but I have come to the realization that I will love him forever.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” 
― Rumi

Ex is a scar in my body and my life and it is up to me to decide how I want to display that scar. Hide it as a shameful secret? Show it off as a badge of honor? Ignore it as a non-event? Or come to love it and accept as a natural life occurence?

I have instances when I want to talk to him and demand an apology.  In my mind, if I heard him accepting his mistakes and apologizing for them, then it would be okay for me to be friends with him.  I want to be okay to talk to him, but without an apology it feels too much like I am disrespecting myself.  We trade texts once in a blue moon on superficial matters.  At those times I catch myself caring about him and thinking of him as a friend.  I see myself wanting to share news with him.   When I catch myself I am terrified!  I quickly make a mental effort to remember all the lies and betrayals.  We are not friends, and can never be!  We share a past and that is it!  I am so afraid to let him back in my life!

Why is it so easy for me to be angry at others and yet to be angry at him it takes effort?

When I think I am over it all, that I am a better person for it, I realize I am an angrier person for it.  Back to the drawing board!! Back to trying to figure things out!  Back to trying to be whole again, and not just damaged goods!

I am so confused, and I am diving my heart crazy!  One second I tell it to just love!  Love all things, love the ones who love you, but above all, love the ones that hurt you even more.  And then I feel the need to remind it of what happens when you love, how vulnerable you become, and how you become a prey.

Yet I know better than to become this old angry woman!  I thank my sister for making me realize that I had made a wrong turn on the road to recovery.  I promise to be more watchful of my words and actions.  Hurting anyone with angry words is not what I wanted or intended.

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it…” 
― Nicholas Sparks

I will continue to tell my heart to love above all things! But it is also okay to be a little guarded.  Navigating that fine line will be key!

This is a post that I never saw it coming, but it is here and now I have to deal with it!  I feel somewhat embarrassed for such a post, for such weakness, for all of a sudden feeling less of a poster girl in dealing with a breakup, for such unawareness about myself.   But what am I dealing with it here?  The true definition of love and forgiveness?  The different ways in which pain manifests itself? Just another stage in the grieving process?  Surviving the loss of love?  How I see myself versus how the word sees me? Inability to let go of the past? Lies we tell ourselves?

Final thought: Just love, love, love and when in doubt, love some more!