Tag Archives: relationships

Jealousy, Happiness or something else?

11 Friday Apr 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 28 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , ,

Hi friends, It has been a longer than usual…Where do I start?  Life happens… good and bad, and all I can do is manage the very little I have control of.  I realize, more and more, the need to speak less and listen more.  It seems that will be the path to my personal wisdom. My impulsive mouth gets me in trouble every time.

Moving on… Work is chaotic at times, but I realize that is when I am more productive.  Reigning over chaos makes me feel powerful.

Mom is in town, which means more of everything, more eating, more shopping, more watching TV.  Did I mention more eating?

Having Mom in town has been great for dating, and I am not being sarcastic.  It has been a great tool to weed out some of the potential dates out.  If someone cannot wait 3 weeks or less to meet me, how great a partner are they going to be for me? I am not saying they are not great, but the person for me will understand that I have a limited time with my mother and I am choosing to put her first over somebody I didn’t even meet yet.

Speaking of dating, 3 ghosts from the dating past have resurfaced.  One called wanting to check if I still had the same work number – he announced he got married.  The second wrote wishing me a happy birthday – he announced he just got engaged.  The third wrote to tell me that he has met someone and they have been dating for a couple of weeks.  I am not sure why he felt the need to write and tell me that, perhaps he wanted to share his happiness or perhaps he wanted to tell me I missed out.

I honestly don’t know how to feel about all those ghosts from the “not so far past” being happily coupled.   Originally when I heard from all 3 in the space of 2 days I confess I felt a hint of jealousy.  Then on the next second I thought to myself, shouldn’t I be happy, or perhaps even relieved? I am the one that decided not to continue to date, or even to start dating them.  My feelings haven’t changed.  They are all great guys, but not great for me.  So in the end, I am choosing to be happy that they are happy.

Perhaps the real question here is:  Will there be a great guy for me, or should I settle for a great guy period? Perhaps my heart is stuck on that one “great”(and I use the term loosely) guy that is now known as Ex, and I am blind to everyone else?

“Not the power to remember, but its very opposite, the power to forget, is a necessary condition for our existence.” ― Sholem Asch

I still continue to struggle with thinking of him.  The absurdity of such situation is not lost on me.  It will be 3 years soon.  When will I stop thinking of all those happy moments?  When will I not get so sad that I was so easily replaced? I am happy and content with my single life, or am I not and just fooling myself? Now that my Mom is here I catch myself mentioning his name more and more.  I actually told her that she is allowed to slap me on the mouth if I ever say his name again.  She agreed. I am happy to say that I have not been hit yet! 🙂

When will my heart understand what my mind and soul already knows?  That part of my life is over and done with.  There were great moments, but in the end that it is all that it was: great moments.  I am deserving of more and better.  I am deserving of always and forever.

The forgiving part was easy; the forgetting part has been a battle.  I am persistent and this war is not over yet.

“Without forgetting it is quite impossible to live at all.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Simply getting older or getting older simply?

02 Wednesday Apr 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

≈ 41 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

“There is not love of life without despair about life.” 
― Albert Camus, The Stranger

 This has been a surprisingly difficult post to write.   Turning 48 it is not all about cake and candles, it is all about being near 50.  Having another birthday shouldn’t be a big deal for ‘positive’ me, but yet I am facing a multitude of feelings and not all of them are good.  

All of a sudden there is this looming sense of dread, finality and mortality.  What have I done with all prior years? I have this fear of life escaping between my fingers while I daydream about it.  I fear wasting talent and good healthy years.

“The day you lose your sense of wonder is the day you grow old.” 
― Marty Rubin

My mother is turning 79 in a couple of months and, even though she is a dynamo, is amazingly sharp and in great shape, I see the years in her.  And I see myself in her. When did she get old?

This post was totally different and way too long and contemplative of the past that I cannot change.  I have made mistakes, took turns when I should have gone straight, jumped head first when I should have tiptoed in, but still there is a sense of pride in doing life as I want and not as others expect.  There is beauty in following my heart! I will relish on that!

“Youth is wasted on the young.”― Oscar Wilde

So good bye long post, the whole message in this post is only 2 lines.  It is dedicated to my twin sister (who has been in the receiving end of a lot of criticism lately).  No long lists that I never look back at.  Just 2 lines that will improve my life and my years.

  • More water, sleep and exercise.  Less mindless eating.
  • More patience and listening.  Less reaction and criticism.

“The day you lose your sense of wonder is the day you grow old.” ― Marty Rubin

I will make myself accountable by being in the moment and keeping close attention to my actions.  Progress will be met with rewards (foot massages here I come!!) Failures, well there is not failure in trying my best!

 “Mortal as I am, I know that I am born for a day. But when I follow at my pleasure the serried multitude of the stars in their circular course, my feet no longer touch the earth.” ― Ptolemy

I am leaving on a jet plane

15 Saturday Mar 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

Before I get to the actual post, I have to give you all an update on my last post.  Mr. Strikeout has called me again this morning.  I didn’t answer.  Then he sent the following email (exactly as he sent, I just copied and pasted):

“I don`t know even if you`ll open this email. I want to apologize of my decision. No I don`t want to stop seeing you but when I was left in your doorway you seem to just disappear.
Thought you would invite me up just to share a strawberry with you. I try to do somethings for you beside dinner each time. I wasn`t looking to sleep with you. I wanted to put my arms around and tell you I`ll be thinking of you and yes miss you. Thought I might hear something similar. Didn`t happen By the time I reach North St.I thought I might not even hear from you again. You`ll disagree.
I look at you at dinner and each time your more beautiful and most times i tell you that.Sometimes I feel like were having a corporate lunch.
I read and heard “never talk about last dates and lovers. 
The 5 Day Man maybe think I was next. I just got the KISSES.
When you text “Shocked” that`s the most excited I made you.
I could`nt sleep just thinking of you. Life.
Have a great time in Brazil and with Mom.”
Clearly we were and are on different pages! I don’t want to ignore him and hurt him, but at the same time there is no use in beating a dead horse.  I am thinking that he should be happy with kisses and clearly he doesn’t think that is enough.   He wants to go fast and I want slow, he is not able to understand that. I am not replying. We are done!
*****
*
“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.”  ― Ernest Hemingway
*
Now to today’s post:

I love airports, bus and train terminals!  There is something very mysterious about airports, train stations and bus stations.

I look around and I try to guess the stories behind each face.  Are they leaving someone they love or are they running to someone they love? or perhaps toan adventure? business?

Are they leaving when they want to stay? Are they arriving when they never wanted to come in the first place?  Is there somebody waiting?

Are they running away from something or are they running towards something?

In my thoughts everyone is going to a better place, a better life.  Everyone is being transported to their future!

Every day I am just another face at Grand Central Station in a hurry to get to work.

Tonight I will be just another face with a story at JFK.  I am going to see my family in Brazil.  This is a trip that I take twice a year, so it is familiar and some times taken for granted (sad to say).  I love to go and I love to come back, so it is all good.  Smiles all around.

Reminding myself how blessed I am! I am a citizen of two countries.  I have an awesome family waiting to embrace me!  I have a great job waiting for my return!  I have passion in my soul, curiosity in my mind and love in my heart.  I am blessed and I know it!

I sit here and breath the enormity of this actual second and I say: Thank you God!

This video doesn’t really fit, but I like it! 🙂

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDV6x4nIEhw

****

“Not all those who wander are lost.” 
― J.R.R. Tolkien

Why I bother with online dating

03 Monday Mar 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 49 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” 
― C.G. Jung

Last night I went to dinner with a friend.  I was telling her all about my adventures and misadventures with online dating. She thinks dating online is an absolute waste of time and she has no patience for it.  Even though we agree that we have different views on the subject, for some reason I found myself defending online dating.

It got me thinking on the reasons why I do online dating.  The main reason of course it that I want to find someone to share my wonderful life with, but it is more than that.

1.  I still believe that there is someone out there for me and I am not willing to let go of that idea.  I still believe in love.   I don’t know where this person is and I don’t know when it will happen, but it will.  That I know for sure!

2. I believe in being pro-active.   I don’t like putting all my faith into fate!  The idea of sitting on my hands and waiting for someone to knock on my door doesn’t suit me well.  Putting myself out there makes me feel empowered.

“Nothing in this world was more difficult than love.” ― Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez

3. It forces me to get out of the house and socialize.  I love staying at home and most of the time I rather stay home than go out.  The few friends I have are often busy.   I am becoming a hermit.  Dating gives me a reason to get dressed up and out there in the world. I find it fun getting ready, getting dolled up and dressed up, and a date is a good excuse for it.

4.  I am able to meet people that I don’t normally encounter on my day to day.   I see people on the train and on my walk to work, but no chance to talk and get to know anyone. Online I have met all kinds, and I enjoy the diversity.

5.  Gives me great knowledge on men, people in general. I am becoming a connoisseur of people.  Some men amaze me, some disgust me, some make me want to get a dog, some renew my faith in mankind.  But they all make me rejoice in the beauty of the details that make each one of us unique.

“When God knows you’re ready for the responsibility of commitment, He’ll reveal the right person under the right circumstances.” 
― Joshua Harris

6. Gives me great knowledge into myself.  With each experience, good and bad, I learn about myself as I deal with the aftermath of a potential encounter, from hopefulness and happiness to rejection and disappointment. I am also getting great insight in the type of partner I want and need.  Perhaps it makes me more selective, but I don’t see a problem with that.

7. I operate under the premise that I am normal, heck, I am better than normal I am a terrific human being, and chances are I am not the only one in the dating site. There is got to be at least a few more.  I know I will end up attracting them, well only one will do.

“A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up.” ― Mae West

8.  It is better than a bar.  I don’t have to drink, it can be free, you can check out people as much as you want. You can Google their information and sometimes get a whole background on them.  Some times I feel like a detective and I like it.  I can normally spot a scammer miles away.

9.  I get to learn how to deal with rejection and develop a thicker skin.  On the rare instance that I hear something that has the potential to hurt me, I think to myself: Consider the source!  I also know that if people feel the need to insult or hurt is because they are hurting themselves and therefore they deserve my compassion.  I don’t dwell on the negative.

I don’t know how long I will feel the way I feel, but for now online dating for me is harmless entertainment.  I feel I do it smart and fair.  If I meet somebody special it will be awesome, if I don’t it is okay too!  I made friends and I have stories to tell.  This is another way in which I think that I am choosing to live my life and not letting life pass me by.

“I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul.”   William Ernest Henley, Invictus

Heart Matters and Mind Games!

19 Wednesday Feb 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 34 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , ,

Valentine’s Day Date (or not)

I was going to have a date on Valentine’s Day with this person from Plenty of Fish. It was a last minute invitation and since I had nothing planned I said yes. (also, as a side note, this is one Valentine’s Day that didn’t bother me at all, I was totally indifferent to the fact that I am single)

I walked to the bar at the appointed time imagining he was not there as he said he was running late.  I looked through the glass windows when I got there and didn’t see him there.

I didn’t want to walk into this bar alone because I always had a weird feeling about  it.  (I did agree to meet him there since I thought it would be a good excuse for me to try this bar and perhaps erase the feeling I have about it)

I had texted a couple of times saying that I was going to wait for him at the door and then saying that I was outside by the door. Later I called and he didn’t pick up.  Finally 20 minutes later when I texted  that I was going to walk home, since he apparently had stood me up,  he texts me that he is inside the bar.

As I am reading the text and not sure what to think, he walks out and without saying hello rudely says: you can’t walk into a bar?  I was floored, shocked, at not only what he said, but how rudely he said it and I said: No I can’t!

He turns his back to me and walks back inside, I turn around and start walking home. For a second I felt I was in a movie or something other than real life.

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” 
― Edmund Burke

I was shocked and confused at first, wondering why a guy would travel 1 hour to come and meet me and then have this kind of behavior.  But immediately I am strangely at peace and not even annoyed.  I know in my heart I just dodged a bullet.

“No one is more insufferable than he who lacks basic courtesy.” 
― Bryant McGill

As I walk the 2 blocks home I am thanking my guardian angels and my lucky stars for protecting me and preventing me from meeting a person that clearly it is not good for me!

Perhaps I should have walked into the bar, but what kind of man, ignores texts and phone calls and then is that rude?  Not the man that I deserve that is for sure!

I really do feel blessed and consider situations like this a blessing and not a curse!

“Blessings sometimes show up in unrecognizable disguises. ” 
― Janette Oke

****

Montreal is calling

Well, my new friend D.  from Montreal (the one  I mentioned in my previous post) sent me another email.  He asked me if I had plans of seeing him again.

I replied: “Plans to meet again?  is the ball on my court?  I guess we need to talk about that.”

He enjoyed the “ball on my court” comment (English is not his first language so I am assuming he had never heard of that expression before) and said that we need to plan it.

I would like to see him again as I had a great time with him but more as a friend and not anything romantic.  I have a feeling he desires romance, and I desire friendship.

So I am just not sure what will happen here. Stay tuned!

****

“Moving on is easy. It’s staying moved on that’s trickier.” 
― Katerina Stoykova Klemer

Ex doesn’t play dead.

It is hard to be honest about this, but what is the point of having a blog about my life if I am not going to be completely honest?  On Valentine’s Day I was hoping to hear from Ex.

I know for sure I don’t want to be back with him.  I know that he wouldn’t be good for me.  Not that getting back together is even an option.  He has already been living with someone since we broke up.

There is this part of me that still wants him to think of me. Why do I still crave those morsels of attention?  I guess because I have such a hard time forgetting about him I am wishing he feels the same.

But what is the point?  I know better!

Then in the afternoon, there comes his text: “Happy Valentine’s Day! Love” After my heart skipped a beat and I felt happy for a millisecond I was immediately mad at him for playing with my feelings.

Why does he do that to me? My last communication with him was around Thanksgiving when I asked him to pretend I was dead.  He thinks he never did anything wrong and that we are still friends (according to him his only mistake was not having the time to be the man that I wanted him to be).

He must know it hurts me… and it does hurt me! This is all about power!

I didn’t reply, it took all I got not to.  But what is the point?  To say thank you would make him think that I welcome his communication.  To again ask him to stop clearly won’t make a difference, so to ignore it seems the best course of action.

I am, however, stronger, than I ever been, clear on what I want and don’t want.  He is definitely not in my plans in any capacity.  I don’t see these moments of longing and thinking of him as setbacks, I see it as part of the path, as tests of strength and with each I become stronger.

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.”  ― Steve Maraboli

On another note his mother is moving from another state to live with him (and with his girlfriend).

I have a great relationship with his mother and will not break up with her because he broke up with me. She calls me often and wants me to go visit the day she moves in.  I said I will meet her any place else but I will not go to a house that I was forced to move out from.

I made his house a home.  I made everything about the house and the yard better.   I was proud to have cleaned up and organized it and put my mark in it.  I cannot imagine going through the house and not seeing my pictures on the wall.  I cannot imagine seeing the signs of another woman where I should be.

But the number one reason I don’t want to go there is C, the dog.  I want to see him and hug him so much.  I want to take him for a walk and play with him in the yard. But I am choosing to just hold on to the memories.  I think that if he sees me he will think I am back to stay, I cannot do that to him or to me.

“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.” 
― Haruki Murakami

A little ego boost doesn’t hurt anyone!

11 Tuesday Feb 2014

Posted by in Daily Life

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

Olympic Rings, Whistler Olympic Plaza

Olympic Rings, Whistler Olympic Plaza

I am in the middle of writing a post about how Whistler Mountain kicked my bootie and how I slowly saw my self-confidence take a nose dive, when I received an email from D., the guy I met in Whistler.

I met D through an ad I posted in Craigslist about skiing alone in Whistler and looking for a dinner companion.  Among the crude, rude and just totally inappropriate replies, was D.  He seemed like a normal guy.  I always operate under the assumption that I am not the only good normal person out there that has resorted to craigslist, and I always err on the side of safety.

We exchanged emails leading up to the trip and we met as soon as I got in.  He had arrived the day before.  He is from Montreal, so I was excited to be able to try some French words on him.

We skied together two days and had dinner and breakfast several times.  The other days I had lessons and I also had dinner with other people that I met.

We became friends immediately, conversation flowed easily and we joked and made fun of each other.

There was no romance, especially since he lives in Montreal, and it would be hard to have a relationship.  I am not a casual type of person, not that there is anything wrong with that, but I tend to become emotionally involved too fast, so I know casual is not for me, and I am not about to sign up for another heartache, so we kept everything friendly.

“Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.” ― Elie Wiesel

I consider him a good person and a friend, but expected to exchange emails once in a blue moon, if that, so I was shocked to receive such a nice email from him.  Here are parts of the email he sent me:

“Still thinking about you.

There are few unsaid things that I want to let you know. Like the first night we met, I was pleasantly surprised by how beautiful you look, I imagined you way different but not ugly for sure, just different  :- )

I think that you are an amazing woman who accomplished a lot in life and that you are very fun to be with. You are very curious about a lot of things, very smart and funny. You are very impressive person.
I was a very proud man to be seen with you in public and very touched by your sweetness and personality.”

Perhaps I am just an easy needy person, who I like to believe I am not, but I have to say his words made me happy, specially the part about being proud to be seeing in public with me.  Chances are we will not see each other again, but hearing kind words is always uplifting and puts an extra spring in my step.

I feel ambivalent about this post now, like who do I think I am? and why do I care about words? oh well, I am only human! That is my excuse and I am sticking to it!!

Stay tuned for the post about my ego’s nose dive.  It is all about balance after all. I was too full of myself and had to be put in my place.

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” ― Anaïs Nin

Skiing is living and Making peace with all things Ex!

23 Thursday Jan 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” *

November 28, 2013

My skiing trip is all planned!  Whistler it is! I am so excited about this trip; I am like a kid going to Disney!  There are many things that make me happy about this trip, besides the pure love of skiing:

1)    Practice makes it perfect.  I enjoy realizing that with persistence and practice I can get better at anything I put my mind to it.  Nothing is unattainable!  I am not going to be an expert but I am going to improve until I am as comfortable skiing as I am walking.

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” *

2)    Being challenged.  I love how challenging it is for me, and still I know I can conquer it.  The falling and getting up multiple times is a great lesson.  In skiing I don’t see not falling as a good thing; I see it as I am playing it safe, I am not challenging myself.  It is the perfect analogy for life.  We can get too comfortable in it and not strive to get better and reach our potential.  Our potential as human beings and God’s children is limitless.  The sky is the limit; we can have it all and do it all.   Keep on falling…and getting up.

“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.”*  

3)    Freedom from thought.  At the top of a snowy mountain is the only place and time in the world where my mind is totally thoughtless. There are times that I stop right at the top and I look around and I actually look for thoughts as I appreciate my smallness in the world. I feel this indescribable peace within me.  I feel so infinitely small before God’s amazing nature and yet so powerful and rich.  I feel blessed to be able to experience this.

“I’m alive. When I’m eating that’s all I think about. If I’m on the march, I just concentrate on marching. If I have to fight,it will be just as good a day as any to die. If you can concentrate always on the present, you’ll be a happy man. Life is the moment we are living now.”*

4)    Being self sufficient.  This trip was my idea, my decisions, my planning.  I am going alone and I just know it will be even more fun than I dream of.  This is a major step to being back to my very confident single self.  The world is my oyster, Whistler is just the beginning!

I want to live as I ski, boldly!  Falling and getting up, taking chances, combining tiny steps into long strides. Going forward always! Laughing in the face of fear!

“People are capable, at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of.”* 

5)    Making new memories.  Finally and perhaps most important at this time, I will be making new memories in Whistler.  The memories I have of Whistler are all with Ex. I have to give him credit for introducing me to skiing and for making it all as comfortable and fun as possible.  It was because of him that I discovered and fell in love with skiing.  On the first day when I wanted to give up, he is the one that made me relax and try again.  Thank you Ex, I am forever grateful!

“Don’t think about what you’ve left behind” The alchemist said to the boy as they began to ride across the sands of the desert. “If what one finds is made of pure matter, it will never spoil. And one can always come back. If what you had found was only a moment of light, like the explosion of a star, you would find nothing on your return.” *

******

Speaking of Ex, I realized that I don’t have to rebel and go against and let go of everything I enjoyed with Ex.

  “And, when you can’t go back, you have to worry only about the best way of moving forward.” *

  • His mother.  I don’t have to stop talking to his mother.  My relationship with his mother has become even stronger.  There was a moment I thought about breaking it off, but I am glad I didn’t.  She is a cool person and the love we have for each other is genuine.

“One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.” *

  • Kansas City Chiefs. I spent a week at their training camp and learned the rules of the game by watching them.  I love an underdog because in many ways I feel like one.  Immediately after the breakup I gave all my jerseys away in an effort of erasing Ex out of my life, as if it was going to be that easy.   I have recently realized that I don’t need to find a new team.  The Chiefs are my team and that is final! All they need to do now is win a Super Bowl for me!! 🙂
  • Skiing and Tennis.  I never met anyone so athletic and so great at all sports as Ex.  ( is lying and cheating a sport?).  I plan on continuing trying to get better and enjoying both, skiing and tennis as much as possible and as much as my hip and shoulder will allow it.

“We are travelers on a cosmic journey,stardust,swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share.This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity.” *

The fact is that my new (well, not so new) single life doesn’t have to revert to what it was before Ex.  My today is composed of all my yesterdays, of all experiences with every single person that came and comes into my life, even if for one moment.  I am a better person today because of all the good and bad experiences that people I have shared life with afforded me.  I am not going to try to forget them and pretend they never existed.  I am going to rejoice on them, learn from them and build upon them!

“Because I don’t live in either my past or my future.I’m interested only in the present”.” *

*All quotes are from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I was having an Alchemist kind of moment – it was hard not to quote the entire book!

“A simple question provokes a momentary internal revolt”

08 Wednesday Jan 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

“I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.” ― Albert Einstein

Sometimes all it takes is an innocent question to make you doubt and second guess yourself.

As I was leaving work on New Year’s Eve a co-worker yelled out:  Who will you be kissing at midnight? If ever a question was painful, this one was it!  As I am waiting for the elevator I feel loneliness invading my being.

“Sometimes I get so immersed in my own company, if I unexpectedly run into someone I know, it’s a bit of a shock and takes me a while to adjust.” 
― Kazuo Ishiguro

All of a sudden it feels like the entire world as having a party and I was not invited.    The elevator doors open and I walk in, feeling like a zombie, feeling oddly disconnected from my body.  I am saddened by the realization that I will not kiss or be kissed by anyone on New Year’s Eve.  What a sin!

Up to that instant I was fine with being alone,  I was even looking forward to it.  I was proud of not having a problem being alone. I have been living away from my family for almost 30 years and I don’t have close friends living nearby, so I am no stranger to spending time/holidays alone.  It doesn’t bother me. I welcome it as a sign of my strength and independence.  The more time alone I spent the stronger and more independent I feel. So this feeling of loneliness was confusing me.

“We live, in fact, in a world starved for solitude, silence, and private: and therefore starved for meditation and true friendship.”  ― C.S. Lewis

I stepped out into the cold New York air with my head buzzing with so many thoughts.  I welcomed the 10 blocks ahead of me as a chance to collect my thoughts and try to organize them in some coherent form. I could feel self pity invading me.

Those 10 blocks were spent looking inward trying to find the source of my feelings.  I was asking myself questions: What am I feeling? (cold, pain, self-pity)  Why am I feeling this way?(is it based on reality or is it based on what society wants me to feel like?) Do I want to do anything about it? (yes I do, I don’t play victim well, I rather be the strong, self assured and independent type) What can I do about it? (lots, I can start by shifting my thinking and focusing on only goodness)

“I never really understood the word ‘loneliness’. As far as I was concerned, I was in an orgy with the sky and the ocean, and with nature.” ― Björk

I am happy to say that by the time I reached Grand Central Station I had already snapped out of it, and was back to my bubbly happy self. But still this is was a good humbling exercise in self-discovery.

I will have moments of doubt.  I will have moments of feeling sorry for myself.  I will have moments of feeling lonely.  But none of those single moments define me or my future.  Those moments serve to get to know myself better, to teach me to discern my feelings and to appreciate all I have. It helps me to confront myself and ask myself hard questions.  It helps me to realize that it is okay to feel alone, weak, unsure, to have doubts, and a whole host of negative feelings and emotions every now and then. I am only human and not a super-being!

“A man can be himself only so long as he is alone; and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom; for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.” ― Arthur Schopenhauer

The way I got out of that victim mentality was to realize that I was alone by choice. And what amazing gift is to have choices!  It is up to me to change whatever I am not happy with, but in this case there was nothing to change.  I was not and I am not lonely.  I am never alone, I have so many guardian angels.  I feel their protection often.  I relish walking into my empty apartment. It was just a second that I let “what the rest of the world is doing” get in my head.

I made a mental list of all the joys and blessings in my life – and there are so many! I am so loved by my family and I have so much love in my being for God, my family, friends, for all,  that is impossible to be alone. The list of my blessings is infinite!

“I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.”  –― Charlotte Brontë

I am alone, but not lonely, that is always how I feel.  I feel that my solitude is somewhat poetic and desirable. It is true that there are rare moments of loneliness.  Actually I wouldn’t call it that, I would call “moments of longing for someone”.  On a cold night such a tonight it would be awesome to have someone to cuddle with, actually it would probably save me some money on the utility bill.  I am a hot blooded passionate fiery Aries Brazilian woman, I have needs ! 🙂 But I don’t want just a warm body.  I want that special person. When the choice is being alone with somebody else or being alone by myself I will take being alone by myself every time!

“Language … has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.” ― Paul Tillich

Don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating a life living solo.   I am on a dating site because I think that life as part of a couple can be much better than single, but that is, only if I find someone that I think it is the right person for me.  I am advocating being happy and content the way you are at the present moment, not feeling that you need to be or do a certain thing, or do what you think is expected of you. Do what is in your heart!  Accept, love and respect yourself first! Love and appreciate all you have until you have everything you love and appreciate!

“Many people suffer from the fear of finding oneself alone, and so they don’t find themselves at all.” ― Rollo May

What I am saying is learn to spend time alone. Learn to spend time with yourself and appreciate the beauty of it.  Get close to your loneliness, make friends with it, have some coffee with it and realize that it is not so bad.  It can actually be very rewarding and productive.  At the end of the day we are all alone!

“In order to understand the world, one has to turn away from it on occasion.”
― Albert Camus

What seeds am I planting?

20 Friday Dec 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

≈ 27 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

Whistler, BC, Canada

Whistler, BC, Canada – where I would love to be at this moment!

I was thinking of 2014 and I realized how important what I am doing at this very moment contributes to my future – no earth shattering news there but sometimes I catch myself going through the motions and not really living or paying attention to what I am doing.

I decided, to quote my favorite movie “Shaswhank Redemption”, get “busy living” instead of get “busy dying”.  I decided to take a look at my present behavior to see if I am conducting myself in a way that benefits my future.  What seeds am I planting?

Here are the questions I am asking myself, and in a way here is my self improvement list:

1)    Am I getting enough sleep and drinking enough water?

2)    Am I learning to accept, love and take care of my body the way it deserves?

3)    Am I watching what I eat and drink?  Am I getting enough protein and less sugar?

4)    Am I making sure I am not overindulging in anything, and letting any one thing control me? Chocolate, TV, even a good thing such as exercise can become an addiction if I let it control me.

5)    Am I reading more and watching less?  Books are food for my mind and soul, TV can sometimes desensitize us and make us life observers and not participants.  (of course there are bad books and good TV shows too!)

6)    Am I making sure I am not wasting my time online with useless distractions?  Online life can be addictive and unreal.

7)    Am I simplifying my life?  Getting rid of the excess, old and unused? Donate, trade, re-purpose!

8)    Am I recycling and not wasting resources?

9)    Am I keeping clean surroundings?  A clean desk, house, mind means more efficiency.

10)  Am I respecting my parents and my elders? Am respecting their opinions, their limitations?

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. ~Anaïs Nin

11)  Am I being kind to strangers?  Am I being kind to all, especially when it is most difficult to do?

12)  Am I surrounding myself with quality people, good energy people? Am staying away from negativity?

13)  Am I getting myself out in the world and networking and cultivating good relationships?

14)  Am I updating my resume and qualifications? Am I being ready and prepared should I come to need it?

15)  Am I giving back to the community, to the world? Am I volunteering my time and energy to worthwhile causes?  Am I donating money?

16)  Am I obeying the laws, written and unwritten?

He who knows others is learned;
He who knows himself is wise.
~Lao-tzu

17)  Am I being moral and ethical? Am I making sure that I am not taking shortcuts?

18)  Am I replacing old bad habits with new good ones? For example, taking a walk after dinner instead of sitting in front of the TV.

19)  Am I facing my fears and getting out of my comfort zone? This is the where and when my soul shines and my self esteem rises!

20)  Am I smiling often? Am I smiling when things are good and smiling even more when things are bad?

21)  Am I making sure I am not settling for less than what I deserve for fear (of something, the unknown, of being alone, etc)?

“It takes courage…to endure the sharp pains of self discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives.” 
― Marianne Williamson

22)  Am I talking less and listening more? Am I using my words for the good?

23)  Am I using my skills and talents to the best of my abilities?

24)  Am I always learning something new?  (to me this is the key to staying young)

25)  Am I praying and having positive thoughts throughout my day? Am I trusting the God/Universe/Light within me?

26)  Am I being in the moment?  Am I being conscious of my actions and not going through life as a robot?

27)  Am I forgiving and forgetting? Am I forgiving others for wronging me?

28)  Am forgiving myself for past mistakes? Am I taking corrective measures to right and wrong but not dwelling in it?

29)  Am I learning to ask for help and accept help when I need it?  Am I offering help?

30)  Am I creating goals and working towards achieving them?

All men should strive to learn before they die
what they are running from, and to, and why.
~James Thurber

31)  Am I keeping stress at bay, by learning to relax, breathing and hitting pause when necessary?

32)  Am I being non-reactive? Am I making sure that I am not being impulsive with my actions?

33)  Am I being financially responsible and living within my means?  Am I cutting out unnecessary expenses? Am I having respect for my money and the hard work I put in to get it?

34)  Am I accepting people as they are, and not imposing my will on them? Am I being non-judgmental?

35)  Am I welcoming pain, problems, obstacles, challenges, etc, as a growth opportunity?  Am I looking at the situation and learning from it?

36) Am I loving when hating would be easier?

37) Am I being grateful for all I have been blessed with?  I am honoring my blessings and not taking anything for granted?

This is an on-going list as I am a work-in-progress!

“It is necessary … for a man to go away by himself … to sit on a rock … and ask, ‘Who am I, where have I been, and where am I going?” 
― Carl Sandburg

My favorite flowers: daisies

My favorite flowers: daisies!

My Powerful Allies: Space, Time and Silence!

05 Thursday Dec 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , ,

“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.” 
― E.A. Bucchianeri

This blog wouldn’t be the same if every now and then I wouldn’t mention Ex.  The goal is for him to be a long lost memory, but it is not turning out to be that way.

Here is the latest installment:

On Thanksgiving day he sent me a text saying Happy Thanksgiving.  Okay that may not seem like a lot or perhaps may seem like a good thing to some, but to me it hits a nerve.  How many times do I have to ask him not to contact me?

Doesn’t he understand that every time he does that he reopens a wound that is starting to heal?

I have been trying not to be reactive, so I didn’t do anything…  for 1 day. A day later his text was still in my mind, so I fired off a couple of texts telling him to please stop.  I was honest and told him how much it hurts me when he does that.  Perhaps I shouldn’t have told him that it hurts, perhaps that is what he wants.

He replied that he said Happy Thanksgiving  because he loves me and wants me and my family to have a good Thanksgiving. He also added that he was going to wish me a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year now because he didn’t think I wanted to hear from him very often.

What??? He doesn’t think I wanted to hear from him very often???? How many times can I ask him not to contact me? Why does he play dumb?

“There are some wounds that one can heal only by deepening them and making them worse.” 
― Auguste de Villiers de l’Isle-Adam

So I texted a final text and I asked him to pretend I was dead because that is what I am trying to do in regards to him. It sounds dramatic, but it is true.

I am not proud of texting him, perhaps I should have not done it.  But what is done is done. No regrets, just hoping I can choose silence next time.

I am hoping I got my point across.  If not, my next step will be to change my phone number.

I have to see the good side of everything, so here is how I put my positive spin on it:

I welcome the pain, the hurt, the sadness, the anger, all the feelings fighting for space inside me and threatening to come out.  I welcome them all to come to the surface, have some face time and then leave.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” 
― Rumi

I am happy that even though I felt like replying to him right away I didn’t.  I didn’t react impulsively.  I thought about it and let things marinate. I replied anyway later but it didn’t control me, I controlled it.

I am happy that I am so sure I don’t want any contact with him.  Before, his texts would give me hope, even if I didn’t want to own up to it.  Now it is annoying and painful.

“We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.”  ― Marcel Proust

I am at peace now. At peace with the text and hopeful that he now got the message.

I realized that I have a trio of allies and I need to let them do their work.  My allies are Space, Time and Silence.

Space/Distance:  I need to keep my space from Ex and that to me doesn’t only mean physical space.  It means not snooping around the internet looking for information on him. Yes I have been guilt of looking up his girlfriend’s Facebook, of checking all his businesses and rereading a couple of newspaper articles on him.  I am happy to inform that I haven’t done any of that in 2 weeks.

“The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget you.” 
― Nicholas Sparks

“Distance has the same effect on the mind as on the eye.” 
― Samuel Johnson

Time: I need to let time work for me.  With each day I get stronger and his memory faint.  I also need to stop counting time.  There is no deadline or time limit for the grieving to be over.  But one thing is for sure time will pass and so will the pain and hurt.

“Because time does the job, dynamite can’t touch.” 
― John Steinbeck

Silence: I need to keep my silence and not let him engage me and my energy into texting, emailing, etc .  I don’t need to have the last word.  Silence is oftentimes the loudest!

“Silence is a source of Great Strength.” 
― Lao Tzu

“I’ve begun to realize that you can listen to silence and learn from it. It has a quality and a dimension all its own.” 
― Chaim Potok

One main issue for me is the fact that he never acknowledged the cheating.  When I got his text I considered for a moment meeting him and telling him everything I feel and what I need to hear from him.  And then I realized I have already done that.  There is nothing left unsaid on my part, and I don’t think he will ever acknowledge the cheating.  He has said sorry many times, but he says he is sorry for not taking care of the relationship and for not being the man I needed him to be.

“Don’t waste your time with explanations: people only hear what they want to hear.” 
― Paulo Coelho

If I let my 3 allies work for me and I diligently watch where I focus my energy and time, the truth will come out.  And the important thing is I know the truth and in the end it doesn’t matter.  I still believe he did me a favor.  I am better for the experience.  I am better for the pain!

“As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation — either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.” 
― Martin Luther King Jr.

You know what I find absolutely incredible and the most beautiful thing about me, and I thank God daily about it, is the fact that I may get angry, sad, and a host of other feelings but never at any moment I wish him bad. I wish him happiness.  I just don’t want to see it.