Tag Archives: online dating

IS IT ME, HIM OR PMS?

22 Friday May 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.” ― Kahlil Gibran

The last couple of months I haven’t dated as I have had no time.  Now I am online again.

This one guy asked me out after we had only exchanged a couple of messages.  I am okay with that as I don’t need to exchange countless emails and rather meet in person anyway.

It felt weird from the beginning as it felt more like a business exchange.  We didn’t really do any chatting other than schedule to meet, but he seemed nice.

But, as it often happens with my dealings online, there was some miscommunication, things took an awkward turn and I decided not to meet him.   I just have no patience for anything lately, especially what appears to be a needy insecure man that missed a big chance of keeping his mouth shut (or in this case, his fingers from typing)

and then there is PMS raging on, which makes everything take an inflated dimension.

“I’m standing in misunderstanding. I must have just stepped in it.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

Well, judge for yourself, here is the conversation:

5/19/2015 6:18:52 PMHE: Are you free tonight. I can meet you somewhere if you are free
5/19/2015 6:32:00 PMME:  sorry, I am busy with a couple of things until Thursday. I am free after that.

 

 5/19/2015 6:34:52 PMHE: Okay maybe during the weekend or Monday. Do you work on memorial day?
5/19/2015 6:40:05 PMME: Sounds good! I am off 🙂

 

5/19/2015 6:47:45 PM
HE: So I can come to the new Rochelle area and go for a drink or something to eat
5/20/2015 7:31:45 AMME: That is awesome if you can come my way! 🙂

 

5/20/2015 7:34:33 AM
HE: Sure no problem
5/20/2015 8:40:02 AMME: Now all we need to do is choose a date 🙂

 

5/20/2015 9:00:01 AM
HE: Yes we do. Let me know.
5/20/2015 9:11:41 AMME: I thought you were going to let me know ?

 

5/20/2015 11:13:18 AM
HE: Okay no problem. I will let you know when and where
5/20/2015 11:32:03 AMME: ok 🙂

 

 5/20/2015 9:41:30 PMHE: Patrias tapas bar in new Rochelle at 1 pm on Saturday
5/21/2015 8:18:12 AMME: Sounds good, but I have to confirm it later when I hear from a windows installer. He is coming Saturday but I am not sure what time. I will let you know if 1pm works the moment I hear back from him.
Have a great Thursday!

 

 5/21/2015 8:20:09 AMHE: Have a great day
5/22/2015 12:01:16 AM
HE:  Hello A. ,
How are you. Can you let me know by tomorrow if we are going to meet up on Saturday. thank you.

 

5/22/2015 6:44:58 AMME: Good morning
I am sorry I have been holding you up.
I sent the curtain guy another message and I will call him when I get to the office.
But please don’t let me hold you up any longer. If you need to plan your weekend go ahead and make other plans.
We will play by ear when I know my timing.
Have a great Friday!

 

5/22/2015 6:49:36 AM
HE: I usually do not make any plans because I am a spontaneous person . okay let me know. I am flexible person.
5/22/2015 7:10:23 AM
HE: You don’t seem to enthusiastic to see me. I think what you should have told me is on your note instead of me making alternative plans was I definitely want to see you this weekend and if possibly there is a conflict with the contractor we will make an alternative time and/or day. That’s what I would have said to you if I had the same situation.

 

5/22/2015 8:32:52 AMME: what??? I am so confused.
You cannot expect people to act like you would act. For starters you have no idea all I am going through at the moment and all I was juggling to try to see you at 1 tomorrow.
5/22/2015 8:39:28 AM
HE: Okay I appreciate that.

 

5/22/2015 8:42:38 AMME: Clearly this would never work. It is very disappointing.
Wishing you the best of luck anyway.
 5/22/2015 8:49:52 AMHE: Why? I said okay. I don’t have an issue. You are too sensitive. You have to calm down. You need to smell the roses. Whether its me or someone else if you react like that you will have a hard time not only beginning a relationship but making it last. All you will be doing is dating and nothing more. You need to work on your bad reactions.

 

 5/22/2015 8:54:38 AMME: thank you so much for you advice!
5/22/2015 8:59:29 AMHE: You can thank me but you should review your notes and reactions. This is for your own good because I would never do that to anyone the way you reacted.

 

5/22/2015 9:04:04 AMME: again I thank you very much.
Next time I will act overly enthusiastic to meet someone,
I will be clingy and needy and act all desperate.
because making a date and offering to make alternate plans is not good enough!!
I am looking for simple and easy, not pressure and paranoia
5/22/2015 9:10:15 AM
HE: Well I am simple person and relaxed. Your immediate reaction not to meet anymore is not good .

 “We’re all islands shouting lies to each other across seas of misunderstanding.” ― Rudyard Kipling, The Light That Failed

This is the time he is supposed to be trying to be nice to me and captivate me and not tell me how to act/react. His pick-up game needs work.

I know that sometimes I can be too reactive and over-react.  I constantly try to work on that (I know I have to try harder) Did I over-react in this case? Am I being defensive or just too sensitive (as he pointed out)?  Looking back I was a bit sarcastic and passive-aggressive.

But why do I have to show enthusiasm about meeting him after we only exchanging a couple of messages?

I felt pressured. Not a feeling you want going on a date.  I don’t think any good can come out of continuing to exchange messages with him and meeting him.

I just lacked the energy, time and inclination to deal with people that need that much attention this early in the game.

I try not to miss the lesson, but in this case I don’t even know what the lesson is 😦

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― Maya Angelou

***

I did have a date last night with a nice gentleman and I am not sure how I feel about him.  I realize that I am becoming over critical of people (ironic isn’t it?).  Perhaps I am afraid of getting hurt so I look for reasons not to see someone again.  He emailed me this morning to ask me about seeing me again.  I am not sure what to reply.  He lives far and I don’t like to drive. 🙂

***

On another front I am so excited to have my new blinds installed tomorrow.  They are expensive but they are thermal blackout, so they should help me save me money in the winter (my building was poorly constructed and the insulation is barely existent).  I was debating if I would try ordering and installing them myself but decided against it (where is a man when you need one?)   I had them made for the living room only.  The bedrooms will just have curtains for now.  One battle at a time!

Are we all addicted to something?

10 Tuesday Mar 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“We love the things that destroy us, because in that destruction we truly feel alive.” ― Robert Pobi, Bloodman

I have been online dating on and off for the past 3 years.  It has been enlightening!  I have met a lot of good guys and a few guys that turned out to be valuable lessons.

If you read my previous 2 posts you are aware that the last guy I met told me that he does drugs on occasion (well he has mentioned that it has been a long time, but I am inclined not to believe that).  We have, against all odds, become friends, or perhaps I should say friendly.  We had dinner Friday and it was fun.

On Saturday this new guy contacted me. After some back and forth emails he asked me: “Do your party?”

I thought the question was odd, and I sensed something illicit about it.  I replied asking him to explain what he meant, and at the same time I consulted the Urban Dictionary.  I was correct: he was asking me if I did drugs.  I explained to him that that was something I was not interested in and after a few pleasant emails we said good bye.

Is this social drug using a new thing or for some reason it is only now that I am actually becoming aware of it?  And why all of a sudden I am encountering this?

So I looked at what these 2 guys have in common in an attempt to perhaps find out where am I going wrong.

  • They are both younger than me, one is 43, and the other is 41. Should I date my age and older only?
  • They are both from well to do backgrounds. Should I date people that, like me, come from poorer backgrounds?
  • They are both well accomplished in their careers and with great disposable income. One is a healthcare executive and the other is a corporate attorney.   Should I look for guys struggling in their careers and living paycheck to paycheck?
  • They are both well traveled and have tasted the finer things in life. Should I look for guys that have not experienced a lot?

It would be great if it was that simple, but drugs knows no age, gender, income level, etc.  Some people may be able to actually only use it socially and not let it control their life.  But to me that is a slippery slope that I rather not get involved in or get involved romantically with anyone that is involved with.

I don’t think I have been doing anything wrong or sending the wrong signals.  My profile clearly states that I do not do drugs, do not smoke and drink only socially.  I think these 2 guys are lessons in what can happen when one gets to a point where they keep craving more and more excitement.  To me they are cautionary tales.  While they are still performing their jobs well, their personal lives seems to be a quest for the excess, more drugs, more girls, the most expensive restaurants, more, more, more.

I don’t ever want to be that way, that jaded, that hooked on craving some illusory high. I like being crazy happy over my bread and butter in the morning, or listening to a favorite song, or talking to my family on the phone. I like being high on a glass of wine or dancing to that favorite song or kissing that one guy that the chemistry is out of control.

Are addicts trying to escape something or trying to embrace something? Is there such a deep pain that needs numbing? Or is there some numbness that needs some awakening it? Is this all about control? about getting close to the edge and not falling over?

I just keep thinking that they are smart enough to know better.

“When you can stop you don’t want to, and when you want to stop, you can’t…” ― Luke Davies, Candy

****

On a funny note and to illustrate how I need to pay more attention to whatever I am doing at the moment:

I have been searching for a primary care physician.   After procrastinating for over a year I finally take a look at the list of doctors in the Oxford directory and choose one not too far from my town.  As usual I was probably doing that while balancing my checkbook and cleaning the house instead of just focusing on the selecting a doctor.

On the day of the appointment I leave work early to get there early and fill out all the many new patient forms. While waiting I am watching the different ads on TV while browsing some magazine.  I finish the forms, pay my co-pay, wait some more then the nurse calls me.  I answer all her questions and then she says: get undressed from the waist down, sit on the exam table and the doctor will be right in.  I look at the table while thinking: undressing from the waist down? and realize it is a gynecological exam table!

Finally it all hits me:  the waiting room filled with printed information regarding how to avoid getting pregnant, the TV ads on how to get pregnant, all the questions regarding my period, the undressing from the waist down, the gynecological exam table.  So I ask: is this for a gynecological exam? and the nurse says yes.

I explain that I don’t need one. I am very happy with my gynecologist and I am in need of a full physical. I ask her if they offer that, thinking that perhaps I was just given the wrong doctor.  She says they are just a gynecological office.  So I get back out, get my co-pay back and I am again doctor-less.

Looking back, everything about the waiting room screamed gynecologist. I keep telling myself that I need to pay more attention, more attention to what I am doing, more attention to my surroundings, more attention to whatever needs my attention at the moment.

Right now as I am writing this, I am watching TV, making a list of things to do at work, having a snack, browsing online dating profiles and packing.  I know I am not doing justice to any of it, not even to you because I know my writing could be better if I paid attention to it.

Admitting I have a problem is the first step. I am addicted to multi-tasking, if there is such a thing.  I am addicted to the idea of not wanting to waste time.  I want to do everything right now!  Perhaps I am no better than a drug user, perhaps my drug is just a different one.  I just crave a different high: how many items can I cross off of my list?

And wouldn’t you know it, I am smart enough to know better!

“Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or idealism.” ― C.G. Jung

Miss Fearless is Terrified!

29 Thursday Jan 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“I love, because my love is not dependent on the object of love. My love is dependent on my state of being. So whether the other person changes, becomes different, friend turns into a foe, does not matter, because my love was never dependent on the other person. My love is my state of being. I simply love.” ― Osho

This post was going to be totally different.  I was going to tell you about a great guy that I was dating.  I was going to tell you how this guy seemed to be the one; how everything felt so right.

This post now is about breaking up with a guy that seemed perfect for me.

He is still a great guy, he is still interested in a relationship, but all of a sudden, one day, I wake up and it seems too much too soon. I had to run, I had to escape!  The truth is I am scared!  I guess I am not as fearless as I thought I was.  I am scared and not sure of what.  I am terrified of falling in love!  I don’t think I am ready to be that vulnerable again.   I actually don’t think I fear getting hurt,  I fear hurting somebody else.

I have been the queen of first dates.  I have gone on more than 1 date with the same person only a few times, such as with the Jewelry Designer and the Math Professor. Insisting on something that doesn’t feel quite right from the beginning never works for me.  The amazing conversations and the romantic restaurants weren’t enough for me to ignore the lack of chemistry.

“Some old wounds never truly heal, and bleed again at the slightest word.”― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

I have been searching for love for the past few years, all of sudden there is a glimmer of hope.  There comes this guy that makes me feel excited.  There was something about him that first attracted me, and perhaps that very same unknown thing is what now scares me.

I realized that all the meaningless dates before, even though there were some great ones, they were non-threatening, because I didn’t really feel anything.  They didn’t threaten my independence and the safety of my single-hood.

The moment I realized that I liked him and he liked me back  I started looking for flaws, for reasons to disqualify him as a potential long term boyfriend. There is chemistry, he is a great guy, has a great job, family oriented, has a cool hobby, good family, a son in college, no crazy ex-wife, is kind to animals, adores me and still that is no enough for me.

From the moment we started talking we both felt that we had a special connection. It felt special! I knew it!  He knew it! He talked about the same feelings I was feeling.  It was refreshing to hear a man so open with his feelings.

flowers

He brought me the flowers on the above picture. It was one big vase, but I split in 3 so that I have a vase in each room.  Granted he didn’t buy them (he works on TV and they were props on a live daily TV show) but I give him credit for being honest where they came from and for carrying that heavy vase to my door.  I have to mention that he also drove over one and a half hours to see me every time. It was always about what I wanted.  Perhaps he is too nice and therefore too easy, no one wants what is easy.

As we continued to see each other I began to feel overwhelmed and trapped.  All of a sudden I felt this longing and sadness over not ever going on a first date again.  I am probably the only crazy person out there that enjoys the excitement of a first date.

This guy is threatening to my life as it is.  I claim I want love but perhaps I don’t want to change anything.  I am used to my life now.  Perhaps I just want to go on a nice date every now and then, with no attachments, no commitments.

So today I broke things off, I tried the old: “it is me, not you” line, because in this case it is true.  He has been nothing but a gentleman, kind and considerate, doing whatever I please, but still I feel that is what I must do at this point.  I don’t want to hurt him and I feel that I would end up doing that. My main fear is to be dragging this relationship on while I have doubts and let him fall more for me and end up hurting him.  Worst than getting hurt is hurting someone else!

 “The purpose of fear is to raise your awareness not to stop your progress.”― Steve Maraboli

I also wanted to make sure I broke up before Valentine’s Day because I am sure he would buy me a gift and do something special and I would be forever guilty. I hate feeling I am taking advantage of anyone.

He was disappointed and tried to talk me out of it, but at this point there is no going back on my decision.  He doesn’t understand why I want to stop seeing him if everything is going well. I don’t think it is a matter of want but of need.  I feel I need to stop it.  Let me return to my string of one-dates, something I have mastered and know well.  Something that is non-threatening and leaves all my options open.

At the end of the day I am still trying to figure it out what all this means.  I don’t have all the answers…well, clearly I have no answers!  Is it my heart telling me he is just not the one? Is it still too soon to try to love again?  Am I, deep down inside, fearful of being cheated on again?  Am I dumping him before he dumps me?  Am I afraid of making the wrong choice?  Is fear of getting hurt preventing from giving myself 100% to another person?

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

The problem with online dating is that is just too easy to get a date, there is always an option, so why settle? What if I settle with the wrong guy and the right guy comes along?

I need to stop over-thinking.  I decided to continue following my heart even when it does not make sense, such as now.  As long as I continue to be honest with myself and with the people I am dating all will be okay.

There is a reason why I am breaking things off.  I don’t know what that reason is right at this moment but eventually I will know.  For now I just need to know that that is what my heart wants and what I need.

I do feel extremely guilty by disappointing this guy. I do feel I actually did him a favor.  He is now free to meet the right person for him.

Nothing like a boyfriend to make me realize how awesome being single is!!

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.”― Paulo Coelho, Alchemist

 

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

02 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.” ― André Malraux

If I meet another man that has lied about his age or height in his online dating profile I am going to scream and pull my hair out. ARGHHHHHHHHHHH, just picture me screaming and pulling my hair out… yes I just met another one!!

This guy listed his age as 43 years old.  But his picture betrayed him.  He was sporting a full head of completely white hair. I thought by his picture he was at least 55.  He sent me a message and we started chatting. After a few back and forth messages I asked him how old he was.  He said 52.  He said it in a way that it seemed very matter of fact.  There was no explanation, no apology, no reason given for that discrepancy between the profile and reality.

Has this become the norm? I thought it was kind of expected for a woman to shave a few years off of her age, but a man?  and almost 10 years? It doesn’t seem very manly to me!

“Oh, what a tangled web we weave…when first we practice to deceive.”  ― Walter Scott

He is not the first liar I have encountered and I am sure he will not be the last.  Some of the guys have acted embarrassed and apologetic about this lie.  Most have a problem with my calling it a lie.   They try to explain it as this being a necessity since they think they look younger for their age.  Well, I hate to break it to them, they don’t!

Others say that they were being contacted by women that were very old so they put a younger age for searching purposes.  Well, that is equally bad, since it tells me they want to be contacted by much younger women instead of women their own age.

Most stress the fact that this is a matter of marketing.  I believe in marketing and I know that online dating involves some of it. We have to make ourselves look good so that we get contacted by potential mates.  I forgive some embellishing, but shaving almost 10 years and sometimes more from your age is not creative marketing, to me it is deceptive advertisement.  I think that there are laws against it.  I guess Buyer Beware is the Modus Operandi when it comes to online dating.

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

I do approach my online profile as advertisement because that is what it is.  I do try to put my best foot forward and show my best features, but everything in there is real, including my age, height and body type.  I used to have my body type listed as Average, but I have changed it to Extra Few Pounds.   I want to lose anywhere from 10 to 20 pounds so that to me makes my body type a Few Extra Pounds.  I want to be told the whole truth and decide for myself and  feel that someone contacting me should have the same right.

It is all a matter of perception! Just this perception of a lie is enough to turn me off.  I want a real man!! Real about his age, real about his height.  If you think I am going to meet you and fall in love and forget that you shaved many years from your age and many inches from your height, you are totally clueless.

Being older and shorter than me are not grounds for me to disqualify you from my search, but lying about it is!  If you are lying about your age, what else are you lying about? Would I ever be able to trust you?  What else are you willing to fudge about?

So, is it marketing or deception?

Because something has become a norm, an acceptable practice, it doesn’t make it right and it doesn’t make me have to accept it.

Since I have changed my profile from Average to Extra Few Pounds I have been getting 90% less messages.   My pictures are there the same way they were before, so I find it funny that a simple label has made such a difference.  But that is just fine with me.  I believe in quality and not quantity. If a guy cannot accept my extra few pounds then he is not the guy for me any way.

 “Seldom, very seldom, does complete truth belong to any human disclosure; seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised or a little mistaken.” ― Jane Austen

Why I bother with online dating

03 Monday Mar 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” 
― C.G. Jung

Last night I went to dinner with a friend.  I was telling her all about my adventures and misadventures with online dating. She thinks dating online is an absolute waste of time and she has no patience for it.  Even though we agree that we have different views on the subject, for some reason I found myself defending online dating.

It got me thinking on the reasons why I do online dating.  The main reason of course it that I want to find someone to share my wonderful life with, but it is more than that.

1.  I still believe that there is someone out there for me and I am not willing to let go of that idea.  I still believe in love.   I don’t know where this person is and I don’t know when it will happen, but it will.  That I know for sure!

2. I believe in being pro-active.   I don’t like putting all my faith into fate!  The idea of sitting on my hands and waiting for someone to knock on my door doesn’t suit me well.  Putting myself out there makes me feel empowered.

“Nothing in this world was more difficult than love.” ― Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez

3. It forces me to get out of the house and socialize.  I love staying at home and most of the time I rather stay home than go out.  The few friends I have are often busy.   I am becoming a hermit.  Dating gives me a reason to get dressed up and out there in the world. I find it fun getting ready, getting dolled up and dressed up, and a date is a good excuse for it.

4.  I am able to meet people that I don’t normally encounter on my day to day.   I see people on the train and on my walk to work, but no chance to talk and get to know anyone. Online I have met all kinds, and I enjoy the diversity.

5.  Gives me great knowledge on men, people in general. I am becoming a connoisseur of people.  Some men amaze me, some disgust me, some make me want to get a dog, some renew my faith in mankind.  But they all make me rejoice in the beauty of the details that make each one of us unique.

“When God knows you’re ready for the responsibility of commitment, He’ll reveal the right person under the right circumstances.” 
― Joshua Harris

6. Gives me great knowledge into myself.  With each experience, good and bad, I learn about myself as I deal with the aftermath of a potential encounter, from hopefulness and happiness to rejection and disappointment. I am also getting great insight in the type of partner I want and need.  Perhaps it makes me more selective, but I don’t see a problem with that.

7. I operate under the premise that I am normal, heck, I am better than normal I am a terrific human being, and chances are I am not the only one in the dating site. There is got to be at least a few more.  I know I will end up attracting them, well only one will do.

“A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up.” ― Mae West

8.  It is better than a bar.  I don’t have to drink, it can be free, you can check out people as much as you want. You can Google their information and sometimes get a whole background on them.  Some times I feel like a detective and I like it.  I can normally spot a scammer miles away.

9.  I get to learn how to deal with rejection and develop a thicker skin.  On the rare instance that I hear something that has the potential to hurt me, I think to myself: Consider the source!  I also know that if people feel the need to insult or hurt is because they are hurting themselves and therefore they deserve my compassion.  I don’t dwell on the negative.

I don’t know how long I will feel the way I feel, but for now online dating for me is harmless entertainment.  I feel I do it smart and fair.  If I meet somebody special it will be awesome, if I don’t it is okay too!  I made friends and I have stories to tell.  This is another way in which I think that I am choosing to live my life and not letting life pass me by.

“I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul.”   William Ernest Henley, Invictus

I will continue dreaming…

30 Wednesday Oct 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” 
― Albert Einstein

In the darkness of my room, in the safety and comfort of my bed, right before I am about to fall asleep, thoughts occupy my mind…All kinds of thought and memories.  Often good thoughts, sometimes thoughts of Ex and the way we were (which I have been good at keeping those at bay), but most often what is on my mind are dreams and plans of an awesome tomorrow.  At that very moment every night the world is full of promise and the possibilities are endless.  At that very moment I could conquer the world.   I often think about some special someone I may be talking to online or on the phone, and all its promise of a future together.

Finding a partner and starting a family is a recurring dream.   When I say starting a family it doesn’t mean having kids.  Even though the idea of kids are amazing; at this point is no longer feasible.  So it will probably be a family of two adults acting like kids, and perhaps a few dogs.

“Without leaps of imagination or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all is a form of planning.” 
― Gloria Steinem

But last night a dark thought entered my mind.  It interrupted my day-dreaming, it got me scared.  The following words came into my mind: it isn’t all a bit too late?

That thought woke me right up!  Since when did I let facts and reality interrupt my awesome illusory life?  Am I turning into a realist? Or worst yet, a pessimist?   I love being a dreamer, an optimistic.  I love thinking that the world is amazing and life is beautiful.  I go out of my way to focus on the good only.

The next thought was: Should I give up?  Give up on the idea of finding a partner?  I thought I would never say this, but I am thinking that perhaps it is just too late.  Too late, way too late to find a husband and start a life together.  Yes, I said it!  I want a husband! I want the commitment, the partnership, the idea of romance, fairy-tale, forever. And yes I also said that perhaps I decided to want that a bit too late in life. In my teens, twenties, thirties, I never wanted the wedding, the marriage, the fairy-tale.  I pushed it all aside and focused on surviving, and thriving in all other areas of my life.

“We dream to give ourselves hope. To stop dreaming – well, that’s like saying you can never change your fate.” 
― Amy Tan

My single life is awesome and I adore all I have, and having the right partner would add to it.  But I am also aware of the potential of encountering the wrong person and all of a sudden realizing that I was better off alone.

Do I continue to live an illusion or do I wake up and wise up?  Is it harmful to live in la-la-land?

“Dreams, if they’re any good, are always a little bit crazy. ” 
― Ray Charles

I guess those thoughts came to me because of being excited about someone I am getting to know online.  He seems full of potential, and at times too good to be true.  We have not met yet as I want to dedicate my free time now to my visiting mother and decided to meet him after she leaves in about 2 weeks.

As I navigate the online dating waters, I alternate between hopeful and cynical.  Somebody contacts me and it seems really promising, I get excited and the next instant he totally disappoints me.  Perhaps this time I am trying to protect myself about being too hopeful.

With all that being said I rather spend my days and nights in the illusion of the infinite world of possibilities.  I rather continue to think that my dreams will come true and work towards that.  I rather think that perhaps next time I turn a corner I may bump into Price Charming.  I rather bask in the rays of oblivion, than to live in a world where “I missed the boat” because I dared to go at my own pace and do things my way and on my time.

“There is nothing like a dream to create the future.” 
― Victor Hugo

I have noticed that people are often too afraid.  They are afraid of trying, of taking a chance.  Afraid of putting themselves out there and looking desperate.  People are afraid of failing and therefore they give up on trying.   They are afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of taking a chance on love. Afraid of looking foolish.

I am not saying everyone should have a partner.  What I am saying is that I want one and I am not afraid of appearing desperate and foolish.  I will not give up on that idea at the present moment.  What I am saying is that people should not be afraid of taking a chance on what they want, be it a boyfriend, a new job, a singing career, a single life.  Whatever it is that you dream with/about go ahead and take steps to make it a reality.

The harder something is to achieve the better it will taste when you finally get it.  There is nothing better than reaping the rewards of hard work, of taking a chance and making it.

“Nothing happens unless first a dream.” 
― Carl Sandburg

If you are satisfied with single life, stay single! I am not there…yet, perhaps tomorrow I will wake up and think single is the way to go, until then there is online dating.  Until then I will distract myself dreaming of the possibilities.

I want someone like me.  I want the fearless!  I want the one that keeps falling flat on his face and keeps going. I want the one that keeps going after what he wants against all odds.

And with that I am telling the dark pessimistic thoughts to go bother somebody else. I am not an easy prey! I look great with my rose colored glasses on! I got dreams to make into reality and goals to achieve. I don’t have time for negativity and darkness!

Always a dreamer and proud of it!!

“I believe in everything until it’s disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it’s in your mind. Who’s to say that dreams and nightmares aren’t as real as the here and now?” 
― John Lennon

The disappearing Act

26 Wednesday Jun 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 38 Comments

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I haven’t had too many relationships.  2 major ones to be exact.  I had one relationship for 20 years that ended amicably (it is crazy, but we care for each like brother and sister now).  Then there is Ex, the 3 year relationship that devastated me.  Between those two there was some dating but not a lot, so I don’t consider myself knowledgeable in that area.  All of a sudden at 47 I am a teenager in the dating word, unsure of how to navigate all the unspoken rules.

“The successful man will profit from his mistakes and
try again in a different way.” 
― Dale Carnegie

I hear horror stories about online dating, so I think I have been luckier than most.  The guys I have been meeting have been nice guys, but normally it doesn’t go more than 1 date due to no interest on my part.

Then I met Dan (name changed to protect the guilty).   He had almost everything.  I say almost because he didn’t make me go weak in the knees.  He took me to great restaurants. There was no lack of interesting conversation.   He was such a gentleman and he was not pushy for anything physical.  I had explained that I needed things to go very slow and he said he understood and it was not a problem.  He is the one that, coincidentally, has a showroom just 3 blocks from my office (how perfect I thought!).  The potential for a happy life seemed incredible.  He made me feel special.  I thought to myself: Here is a man that gets me and wants to make me the center of his world. I want that!

“I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside.” 
― Wm. Paul Young

But still after 6 dates I was not feeling it in my heart but I was thinking that perhaps this is where I should let my mind do the talking. I wrote about this mind heart conflict here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/05/27/my-heart-wants-fireworks/

Dan seemed to do all the right things.  I felt special, and was starting to think “maybe”. I was ignoring my heart and letting my mind rule.

Then there was silence:  Dan disappeared!

This happened a couple of weeks ago.  He had texted me, as he normally did asking if I was around on the weekend and I had said yes.  This was a Thursday morning so I expected to hear from him that night to make plans for the weekend.    When Sunday came around and I hadn’t heard from him I was worried that something had happened to him so I texted him.   He texted me back on Monday and I quote: “Sorry for the lateness in replying, I needed some time to sort things out.”

Not knowing what that meant exactly I just replied wishing him luck on sorting things out.

After speaking to my sister about this, she said that perhaps there was something going on with his mom.  He had mentioned that perhaps his mother would have to move in with the brother because it was becoming difficult for her to be alone.  It never crossed my mind that perhaps there was something was wrong with her.   So to have a clear conscience I reached out to him again and said that I was here if he needed to talk and that I hoped that all was okay with his Mother.  I got no reply.

2 weeks go by and I am still confused and shocked by his silence.  Was he just going to disappear and never say a word if I had never had texted him that Sunday?  Is this normal behavior?

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” 
― Edmund Burke

I was still thinking about him and his actions (or lack of it) for 2 reasons.  First I wonder if he really has some big problem going on in his life and second because he had bought tickets to take me to a show of a Brazilian singer tonight (June 26).  Was he going to all of a sudden appear to go to the concert? I was already mentally trying to decide, do I go or just say no?

So the day before yesterday the curious Aries in me couldn’t take it anymore so I texted him and asked how were things.  It took him a day to reply and he said: “ thank you for thinking of him and I am sorry I am not in a good place to communicate”.

Hum? What in the world does that mean?

I just hate stuff like that.  What is the problem with the truth?  I think I am owed that.  Why the mystery?

“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” 
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I just replied wishing him luck and saying I was only worried because I didn’t take him for a man that would just disappear.

At any rate I am still curious to know what exactly happened but not curious enough to show up at his office and demand an explanation.

This, I think, serves as a validation that my heart knew better.  I should have known better than to let my mind start talking me into liking someone when my heart wasn’t in it.  I thank the Universe for giving me an answer to this conflict between my heart and my mind.

When things like this happen I think I should get on my knees and thank heavens  that my heart came out unscathed.  As stupid as it may sound, I feel stronger for it and I feel even closer to finding the One.  It does feel good eliminating the wrong ones (wrong for me) and leaving space for the right one.

… or perhaps I should just buy a safe for my heart and keep it in there and not chance it getting hurt again, this came too close for comfort.

“Hearts are breakable,” Isabelle said. “And I think even when you heal, you’re never what you were before”.” 
― Cassandra Clare

But I am still curious if this is a normal thing, to have great dates and then never hear from the person again?  oh well, the joys of the dating world!