Tags
afraid to love, being needy, being sensitive, home-decor, looking for love, miscommunication, misunderstandings, online dating, over-reacting, relationships, window dressing
“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.” ― Kahlil Gibran
The last couple of months I haven’t dated as I have had no time. Now I am online again.
This one guy asked me out after we had only exchanged a couple of messages. I am okay with that as I don’t need to exchange countless emails and rather meet in person anyway.
It felt weird from the beginning as it felt more like a business exchange. We didn’t really do any chatting other than schedule to meet, but he seemed nice.
But, as it often happens with my dealings online, there was some miscommunication, things took an awkward turn and I decided not to meet him. I just have no patience for anything lately, especially what appears to be a needy insecure man that missed a big chance of keeping his mouth shut (or in this case, his fingers from typing)
and then there is PMS raging on, which makes everything take an inflated dimension.
“I’m standing in misunderstanding. I must have just stepped in it.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title
Well, judge for yourself, here is the conversation:
| 5/19/2015 6:18:52 PMHE: Are you free tonight. I can meet you somewhere if you are free | |
| 5/19/2015 6:32:00 PMME: sorry, I am busy with a couple of things until Thursday. I am free after that. | |
| 5/19/2015 6:34:52 PMHE: Okay maybe during the weekend or Monday. Do you work on memorial day? | |
| 5/19/2015 6:40:05 PMME: Sounds good! I am off 🙂 |
| 5/19/2015 6:47:45 PM HE: So I can come to the new Rochelle area and go for a drink or something to eat |
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| 5/20/2015 7:31:45 AMME: That is awesome if you can come my way! 🙂 |
| 5/20/2015 7:34:33 AM HE: Sure no problem |
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| 5/20/2015 8:40:02 AMME: Now all we need to do is choose a date 🙂 |
| 5/20/2015 9:00:01 AM HE: Yes we do. Let me know. |
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| 5/20/2015 9:11:41 AMME: I thought you were going to let me know ? |
| 5/20/2015 11:13:18 AM HE: Okay no problem. I will let you know when and where |
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| 5/20/2015 11:32:03 AMME: ok 🙂 |
| 5/20/2015 9:41:30 PMHE: Patrias tapas bar in new Rochelle at 1 pm on Saturday | |
| 5/21/2015 8:18:12 AMME: Sounds good, but I have to confirm it later when I hear from a windows installer. He is coming Saturday but I am not sure what time. I will let you know if 1pm works the moment I hear back from him. Have a great Thursday! |
| 5/21/2015 8:20:09 AMHE: Have a great day | |
| 5/22/2015 12:01:16 AM HE: Hello A. , How are you. Can you let me know by tomorrow if we are going to meet up on Saturday. thank you. |
| 5/22/2015 6:44:58 AMME: Good morning I am sorry I have been holding you up. I sent the curtain guy another message and I will call him when I get to the office. But please don’t let me hold you up any longer. If you need to plan your weekend go ahead and make other plans. We will play by ear when I know my timing. Have a great Friday! |
| 5/22/2015 6:49:36 AM HE: I usually do not make any plans because I am a spontaneous person . okay let me know. I am flexible person. |
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| 5/22/2015 7:10:23 AM HE: You don’t seem to enthusiastic to see me. I think what you should have told me is on your note instead of me making alternative plans was I definitely want to see you this weekend and if possibly there is a conflict with the contractor we will make an alternative time and/or day. That’s what I would have said to you if I had the same situation. |
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| 5/22/2015 8:32:52 AMME: what??? I am so confused. You cannot expect people to act like you would act. For starters you have no idea all I am going through at the moment and all I was juggling to try to see you at 1 tomorrow. |
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| 5/22/2015 8:39:28 AM HE: Okay I appreciate that. |
| 5/22/2015 8:42:38 AMME: Clearly this would never work. It is very disappointing. Wishing you the best of luck anyway. |
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| 5/22/2015 8:49:52 AMHE: Why? I said okay. I don’t have an issue. You are too sensitive. You have to calm down. You need to smell the roses. Whether its me or someone else if you react like that you will have a hard time not only beginning a relationship but making it last. All you will be doing is dating and nothing more. You need to work on your bad reactions. |
| 5/22/2015 8:54:38 AMME: thank you so much for you advice! | |
| 5/22/2015 8:59:29 AMHE: You can thank me but you should review your notes and reactions. This is for your own good because I would never do that to anyone the way you reacted. |
| 5/22/2015 9:04:04 AMME: again I thank you very much. Next time I will act overly enthusiastic to meet someone, I will be clingy and needy and act all desperate. because making a date and offering to make alternate plans is not good enough!! I am looking for simple and easy, not pressure and paranoia |
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| 5/22/2015 9:10:15 AM HE: Well I am simple person and relaxed. Your immediate reaction not to meet anymore is not good . |
“We’re all islands shouting lies to each other across seas of misunderstanding.” ― Rudyard Kipling, The Light That Failed
This is the time he is supposed to be trying to be nice to me and captivate me and not tell me how to act/react. His pick-up game needs work.
I know that sometimes I can be too reactive and over-react. I constantly try to work on that (I know I have to try harder) Did I over-react in this case? Am I being defensive or just too sensitive (as he pointed out)? Looking back I was a bit sarcastic and passive-aggressive.
But why do I have to show enthusiasm about meeting him after we only exchanging a couple of messages?
I felt pressured. Not a feeling you want going on a date. I don’t think any good can come out of continuing to exchange messages with him and meeting him.
I just lacked the energy, time and inclination to deal with people that need that much attention this early in the game.
I try not to miss the lesson, but in this case I don’t even know what the lesson is 😦
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― Maya Angelou
***
I did have a date last night with a nice gentleman and I am not sure how I feel about him. I realize that I am becoming over critical of people (ironic isn’t it?). Perhaps I am afraid of getting hurt so I look for reasons not to see someone again. He emailed me this morning to ask me about seeing me again. I am not sure what to reply. He lives far and I don’t like to drive. 🙂
***
On another front I am so excited to have my new blinds installed tomorrow. They are expensive but they are thermal blackout, so they should help me save me money in the winter (my building was poorly constructed and the insulation is barely existent). I was debating if I would try ordering and installing them myself but decided against it (where is a man when you need one?) I had them made for the living room only. The bedrooms will just have curtains for now. One battle at a time!
Blessed with a Star on the Forehead 
You need to close the roses and smell the blackout blinds.
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I don’t even like roses, I am a sunflowers and daisies kind of girl, but point taken!! 🙂
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I love your blog – you really put it out there! Yes – I think you did over react. You offered him feedback – he THANKED you! He said OK – Then you go to “this will never work”. Why is that? Why can’t you meet him half way? And since you knew you had an appointment – why didn’t you offer a time? You just don’t seem open to starting a new relationship. In this whole blog entry – you are most enthusiastic about your blinds – not the possibility of meeting new people. The one thing that every relationship needs from the beginning is compromise – you do not seem to be great at this when it comes to men. Just my 2 cents – I am cheering you on, Blessed!!!
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Really? I still don’t see it. I am allowing for the fact that I do tend to over-react but I still don’t fully see that no matter how many times I read the conversation. To me he is the one that overreacted by wanting me to enthusiastic about the date.
I simply thought that after I had a chance to speak to the curtain guy I would either confirm 1pm or offer another time, but at the same time I want to tell him that he could go ahead and make other plans until then. I am the one that thanked him (even though it wasn’t heartfelt).
And here is where we really differ, I thought I was already compromising by not holding him up and playing by ear 🙂
I thank you for your view (heartfelt this time 🙂
And indeed I am totally in love with my blinds. They will keep me warm at night! 🙂 Blessings! 🙂
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oh and thank you for reading and caring enough to give me your 2 cents (it was worth more than that 🙂
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Blessed. I have dated a few times myself since being widowed 5 years ago. Do not under any circumstances date someone who makes you out to be the bad guy right off the bat!! He may be flexible but he was not sensitive enough to see that you were trying to make it happen. Granted it is harder for someone with nothing “invested” in us time wise or financially to accept us as we are when they know little or nothing about us. But that said. He is looking to get married judging from his comments about all you will ever do is date.
Now have you looked at all the issues you have had in the past about a relationship. I am not being critical I just picked up on some reluctance on your part “I realize that I am becoming over critical of people (ironic isn’t it?). Perhaps I am afraid of getting hurt so I look for reasons not to see someone again.” You may need as I do to back off from dating and go out with really good women friends. Mine have helped me heal in so many ways, just to reaffirm my worth and listen to me as I listen to them.
Believe me I do want to remarry again.But if there is any doubt about one guy or one date or one anything to do with the guy then don’t!
I wrote an article you may find helpful based on my and another girl friend’s experiences with online dating: http://www.candidslice.com/16-must-have-survival-tips-for-online-dating/ Hope this helps.
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I agree and that is why I don’t even want to meet him as I feel I already have to be explaining myself.
I do accept criticism from my readers because I feel I get an unbiased view, also you guys are on my corner so I don’t mind it at all. I welcome it!
I do have issues, I am the first to agree with that. This blog is helping me work on some of them, for others I need a miracle 🙂
Another nail you hit on the head is the fact that I mostly need girlfriends. I don’t have any that are near, willing and able. They are all too busy with their own lives. My dating often is a way to get out of the house 😦
I look forward to reading your article! Thank you and many blessings! 🙂
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Go to Meet Ups about subjects you are interested in. Two of my friends came from the hospital where I worked. One from an exercise swim class and another was the editor of a small town newspaper I photojournaled for. I get the impression we writers are a different breed. Lol. I am soon to be 64. If you can take classes at the community college about something you like or are interested in. Or you can
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(OOps, cut myself off accidently)Or you can join business organizations and aim at meeting other women. I have to admit there is a lot of physical attraction involved in meeting men. And sometimes it is difficult to meet women of like mind. But like I said we writers are a strange breed, Join a writers club!! Who knows!
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You have given me great ideas/tips! Thank you so much! I was more active and social a couple of years ago then I hurt my hip and quit everything (I am full of excuses). I need to make it a point of going out and meeting women. I always got along with men better than women. I am also the worst at keeping in touch with people. I am will make more of an effort too. How about you move to NY? Have a great holiday weekend! 🙂
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Thanks. You just made my day even better. My first son is proposing to his girl friend of 2 years at an Anime convention. You just added the icing to the cake!!! He’s 31 and she is 26. I am so happy!! Err. So glad to help. Come to NC sometime. I could put you up if you aren’t allergic to cats.
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Congratulations! How awesome, a wedding on the horizon!!
Don’t invite me, I have never been to NC, so I may be knocking on your door one of these days 🙂
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Okay… first and foremost, we ALL have issues. So, holding up that baggage is pointless, unless you want to wave around everyone’s matching luggage. There are points of contention on both sides of this coin. He was being insecure and assumptive in believing that your flexibility in relation to his weekend was a secret way of you telling him you really weren’t interested. Frankly, I don’t think most women waste their time unless there is some measurable degree of interest, ESPECIALLY if you’ve been burned and are tip-toeing back into the hot zone. I agree that the whole “let me tell you what you SHOULD HAVE said” bit was a red flag saying, “Hello, I’m judgmental and condescending and ready to over-analyze and break you down right out of the gate!” Were he truly reflecting tender feelings on the matter, it may have sounded more like, “Oh, okay. I see. I misinterpreted your intent because you didn’t offer an alternate day/time. So, I was starting to wonder if you really weren’t that interested. Please, be forthcoming if that is the case, but if not, I will patiently (and eagerly) await your confirmation of when I can see you.” This is a non-judgmental way of asking for clarification and understanding there was a disconnect. Needy, insecure people assume all the time… looking, no – expecting – a worst-case scenario to be the root of all things. I’ve been there. I know the conspiracies of the over-active mind and under-nourished heart. And I actually “feel” for him in that sense, but not in the way he handled the matter.
For you, Missy, I agree that you had a strong response, likely on the defensive side. It was a little rough, but I also get it. I, too, am sensitive to certain connotations, inferences, “red flags”… and if I was moody, tentative and doing my best to work with someone and they came at me with “hey, just be honest” or “you’re not being sincere” or “umm, you sure don’t know how to communicate”… yeah, I’d pretty much be done too. It’s not like you had a rapport established with this person already. Imagine what he would be like if he was more comfortable with you! Eeek! Bottom line is if the hairs on the back of your neck raise and you’re just not feeling it, let it go. There’s no loss here. Be easy with yourself. The fact that you’re even considering is huge, but know yourself and your own triggers while you dabble. I respect the fact that you recognized you didn’t want to pursue the path and nipped it in the bud. There’s this thing called instinct, sixth sense, gut… use it abundantly. I also think that once you hit a certain age range, you hold back less. Had you sugar-coated your response and perhaps even ended up meeting, Mr. Judge & Jury may have said you were not being direct enough. Who knows? And at this point, who cares! He’s off to the next one, and so are you. Don’t sweat the little fish… you’ll feel it when a big one comes along. 🙂
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I am amazed (happy, relieved) that you got exactly what I was trying to convey about my feelings/response to that situation. I thank you for taking the time to comment here. Your comment is a great complement to my post. It will help my readers better understand what I was trying to convey.
I am all for letting go of issues and baggage, but I am not even able to identify all my issues, there is always a new one popping up. 🙂
I totally agree with your assertion that he assumed that my not firming up plans meant I was not interested and perhaps trying to find something else to do. He acted on that assumption and then accused me of reacting. That is the main reason I was annoyed.
I love how you stated: “Hello, I’m judgmental and condescending and ready to over-analyze and break you down right out of the gate!” Right on!!
My knee jerk response was actually stronger, but I have been working on not being so reactive, plus I am always trying to put myself on the other person’s shoes and give them the benefit of the doubt.
Also I feel I was already being nice by agreeing to go on the date since I didn’t really think we were a match but he seemed to be nice enough and I wanted to have an open mind and give people a chance. I think I finally realized what the lesson is: I shouldn’t agree to a date if I don’t think there is anything there. I am not doing him a favor and doing myself a disservice.
Exactly what I thought: We don’t even know each other and he is already judging me. “Mr. Judge and Jury” lol you made me chuckle with that one!!
There is indeed plenty of fish! One day I will catch the one, or perhaps I will allow him to catch me!
Thank you again and many blessings! 🙂
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Sounds like a relationship that wouldn’t have worked out. I think you dodged a bullet.
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Thank you, my feelings exactly! 🙂 Blessings!
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I have seen and been at the end of soooo many misinterpreted texts. In the beginning of any new relationship “CALL” and talk, because you both did not see or hear what the other one was saying and hence no date. It’s ashame.
No matter how far we have come in technology, we seem to communicate far less and misunderstand more! Good luck and talk more, text less ha. 🙂
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I totally agree! So many things are lost in the translation. Too many assumptions and misunderstandings. I need more face to face and less keyboard to keyboard! Blessings! 🙂
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This energy expenditure you illustrate? This is why I don’t do the online dating game any more. I just don’t have the time or energy to devote to playing it. Good luck to you. I think you are wise to back out of anything you feel “off” or unsure about. If I learned anything after one year and 56 dates, it was ALWAYS listen to your gut.
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I go through phases of not having the patience and energy and then actually enjoying it. 56 dates in a one year – I can only imagine the crazy stories you have to tell! Thank you and blessings! 🙂
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Oh – one day I’ll write the book 🙂
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I will read it! 🙂
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Wow. I loved reading this. Dating is hard! You give me hope that I can get back out there someday, even as crazy as it can be! Keep being so open minded to it, it gives me more courage.
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I don’t think I will ever give up looking for a partner. I go though phases, but always end up returning to online. It makes me feel pro-active and in charge of my dating life instead of waiting for somebody to knock on my door. These miscommunications are par for the course. Blessings and best of luck! 🙂
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No. He was being overly sensitive. I’ve never met you. Why would I be overly excited? I wouldn’t want to meet someone who is trying to tell me off in the beginning. On to the next one.
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Exactly how I felt/feel! Thank you for the comment! Blessings! 🙂
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Well I actually just always said I can do this day and not that one, with no reason, you don’t have to tell any one why you cannot make a date. You don’t owe a date an explanation. You have been quite harsh and sarcastic. He did not seem right anyway , he was not asking anything else. In texts the tone of voice is not seen and actions so it is hard to understand some messages.
Well good luck next time! Glad you love your blinds! Bless you!
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I normally overshare and over-explain, so I do need to be short and direct in my replies. I could have handled differently, but still I feel right about not going on a date with him.
The blinds were installed today and I am very happy with them! Thank you and blessings! 🙂
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Huggsss… well, I can honestly say from my own online dating skills that the right ones won’t feel like work, and the wrong ones won’t work no matter how right you are… I recently met with the male version of myself, we will see how things progress but he is an Aquarius like me, and well, all I can say is, I’m starting to see why it didn’t work out with anyone else. Your ‘flaws’ are truly perfect for the heart that is meant to love you girl. And any guy who can’t handle us now, will not be able to handle us later. I dedicate Shania Twain’s Any Man of Mine song to you with verse, ‘I can change my mind a thousand times, and I wanna hear him say, yeah, yeah… i like it that way!”..
Truly, all our imperfections we think are horrendous, someone will look up on it as endearing, delightful and cute. I can’t explain it, and I don’t know how long my recent encounter will last, but it truly should have a most calming and soothing effect on your soul, with words only to deepen the connection, not cause rifts in between…its more about sharing each others worlds, rather than feeing like you’re crossing oceans to come close to it…
Besides, any guy who can’t take the lead on the day, is not a good sign… you want someone who is gonna be like, I wanna see you such and such date, and I’ll be waiting for you… that’s it..
As Seinfeld said, 98% of the singles are not dateable for a reason… and any guy to dictate how you should or should not behave..well..one has to wonder if he is even worth the five minutes in person..
You definitely dodged a bullet gorgeous! onwards and upwards! And don’t give up! I nearly did.. and thats when the miracle happens..don’t give up… dreaming is believing…. Jessie James… Just be true to who you are..
Much love and sorry I’ve been MIA for two months..eesh..
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Hi Pink Happy to see hear from you again. I hope your disappearance means that you are just too busy being happy! I totally agree with everything you say.
Thank you for the Shania Twain song , I am going to go listen to it on Youtube. The right man for me will be assertive and less critical. Indeed I think I dodged a bullet.
I continue to be positive and put myself out there in search of the One… it will happen and I will be ready, in the meantime I will have fun and always making sure to learn the lessons.
I am so glad that you met someone and that all is working out. You deserve to be treated well! I don’t know if I would be able to put up with a male version of myself lol
Many blessings and I am so happy to hear from you! 🙂
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Haha…..well… the male version of me can be good and bad.. and I’m more focused on me now.. http://digitalromanceinc.com/q-and-a/reset-your-relationship-commit-too-soon/ great article of just how to approach relationships in general..I’m dating multiple people at the same time which ranges from casual to close but nothing set on exclusivity until I see there is something there… there’s some great article that really encourage dating multiple people to not put all your eggs in one basket and have fun so to speak..its great as I tend to take things too seriously and realize I put people on pedestels instead of just getting to know them for who they are and enjoying the moment.. even if its just ‘one and done’ dates… whatever..its just nice to meet new people for even just cuddling.. 🙂 i think we place too much seriousness when ultimately our best and ultimate companion is ourselves..and great girlfriends.. 🙂 hahaa… hugss and love…
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