Tag Archives: love

The Burial

18 Monday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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This is about my final (I hope) meeting with Ex. I know in my heart that I will eventually be friends with him, but for now I just need and want distance and peace!

Before the meeting:

I am anxious and scared! Am I scared that I will end up in bed with him like every meeting before? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I am scared that I will get emotional looking at him and thinking about what we had.

I am scared that  I will bombard him with questions about things that no longer matter, such as the new girl in his life. It doesn’t really matter if the new girl is tall or short, young or old.   What is the point of wanting to know those details?

I don’t want to list all he has done wrong.    He knows what he did! And having him, once again not acknowledging my pain and his role in it it will just hurt me further.  (and yet I know that I am responsible for my feelings and reactions and that he cannot cause me pain if I don’t let him)

One thing is for sure, it does feels amazing though to be over him!  It feels powerful to not care what he thinks of me anymore.  It feels incredible that he doesn’t hold my heart in his hands anymore!

So today there are no preparations for his arrival.  There is no hair done, nails, waxing.  There is no incense burning, there is not special dress or lingerie.

I can’t wait until this is over.  This is similar to the feeling I feel right before I need to go in for another dental surgery.  I am sitting in the waiting room listening to the sound of the drill coming from another room knowing that I am next. Feeling the pain before the pain.

***

After

I am an emotional wreck! Amazing that I am here writing, but thanks to divine intervention I didn’t curl up and die, I washed my face and snapped out of it!

The moment that I closed the door on him leaving, the moment that I closed the door to my past, the phone beeps.  It is a friend texting and in a way it is future calling.  It is God telling me to look forward and stop looking back!  And I hear it loud and clear.

But let me back up and give you a summary of the evening.

I met Ex in the front of my building and he hugged me hello.  It was awkward and I felt absolutely nothing!  I thought I would cringe at his touch, but I didn’t, but at the same time I didn’t feel like staying in his arms.  I am grateful that he didn’t go for a kiss hello.

We went to one of the Mexican Restaurants in the neighborhood.

I am already crying.  I am  crying from the second I saw him! I am one of those people that cry at any funeral, even if I don’t know the deceased. And in a way this is a funeral. I am attending the funeral of a fairy tale that has died a long time ago but it never got a proper burial until today.

We sit at the restaurant and I realize that I don’t know how to act. I can’t speak, I stutter.  I play with the napkin and utensils.  I am grateful he sat next to me and not accross from me so that I don’t have to look at him.

But love is a beautiful thing! I still think about his feelings, and I don’t feel like hurting him, and I know that my silence would. So, summing up a strength that I didn’t think I had, I start talking like I would talk to a friend. I tell him about my tennis lessons and my Pilates sessions.  He tells me about his businesses and volunteer work.  We manage to get through dinner and even have a few laughs.

We walk to my place because we have to finalize some paperwork, after all that is the reason he came here in the first place.  In 30 minutes we are done with the paperwork. But of course it would be too simple if that was the end of it!

He makes the mistake of inviting me to a couple of big events that are coming up that we used to attend together, and also another one that is an once in a lifetime thing that I have been dying to attend.  And that is when I can no longer hold it in.

I let it all flow, tears and words. I say all that I have inside. I talk about the hurt, the betrayal, I talk about the things I know for a fact he did, I talk about my disbelief that  he would throw a beautiful story away.

Everything that I didn’t want to ask about, I ask. Everything I didn’t want to mention, I do.

Through it all he remains mostly quiet, speaking up a few times to defend himself and to say that he didn’t know where I was getting my information from.  He mentions loving more than I would ever know. He once again says that timing for us is not right, he has to focus on his business and children.  He says he is not really dating, but seeing the girl once in awhile and spending most of his time alone, as if that somehow is supposed to makes things ok, as if that makes any sense.

I tell him not to invite me to anything and stop pretending that we are still a couple. I tell him to stop playing with my feelings and hurting me.

I was not planning on falling apart, but we all know that things don’t normally go according to plan. I don’t regret anything I said.  I also know that he didn’t really hear all I said.  He is not ready to hear and understand and acknowledge what he has done.

At the end he cried also, but I cannot tell you if there was any truth in those tears.  I would like to believe that he did have feelings for me and that he also mourns the end of our story. But I just don’t know. And I am happy to say I don’t care!

At one point he hugged me and kissed me on top of my head.  And I let him.  We stayed like that for a couple of minutes.  And then it was done.  I was ready to bury the pain, the hurt, the love, the good times, everything.

He says good night, I silently close the door! I am still crying, not from missing him or seeing him leave.  I am crying from exhaustion, from hurt, from anger, from love. My whole body aches. I think that is the feeling a marathon runner feels at the end of a race:  happy exhaustion!

At this point I am standing against the door that I just closed, unable to move. My phone beeps. It is text from a friend asking how I am. That is the beauty of life, the realization that I didn’t need to stay in that pain.  The beautiful feeling of having someone care and wonder how I was feeling.

His text and subsequent phone call were a sign from God.  His voice comes through the phone and into my ears as a hand passing over my hurt and slowly removing the dark pain.  Hearing his voice soothes me.  Hearing his voice brings me back to reality and out of the “poor me” state I was ready to drown myself in.

I realized that this perfectly timed text and phone call was God working in His mysterious way.   This person unknowingly provided me with the bridge from my past to my future.

I have learned what I needed to learn and I grateful for Ex for everything he has taught me – good and bad.  I am better than before I met him and for that I am thankful.  I am also thankful for him for helping me become the person I am today.

I have put the love and care that I have for him in a special place. I worry about him and pray that he finds contentment.

So now the past is buried and I am eager for my future, alone or with someone special.  I know God has a plan, so I have no need to worry or have any doubts.  I have always known that no matter what I am always going to be ok! And that knowledge is priceless!

Now as far as my heart goes, you can just call it Timex!

***

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/nicklachey/icanthateyouanymore.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UbWTBoh7G4

Thank you for reading and supporting me and sending me your love!

WANTED MAN!

14 Thursday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Fiction, Poetry

≈ 12 Comments

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You are a wanted man!

How does it feel?

Is this just a flash in the pan?

Or is it real?

 

Your arrival was sudden

No announcement

No fanfare

You became a “what if”

Are you feeling what I am feeling?

 

You take a chance and make the first move

I take it from there and lead you straight into my all

I think you didn’t expect, yet you welcomed

 

You are a wanted man!

I want you and I am not shy

Take it easy, use you head

Those will be the warnings that we will hear

 

Do we dare to go ahead and defy all odds?

Or do we step back and use reason?

 

I want to have yesterday all over again

I want to have yesterday every day

You tongue, your fingers, your words

your body knew how to dance to my music

 

You are a wanted man

Not only in my dreams but in my bed

 

But remember I am a tall order

I want it all

I want soft and firm all in the right places

At all the right times

I want my knees to go weak and you to keep me from falling

 

I want simple and complicated

I want easy and difficult

I want tender and aggressive

I want you to decipher me

 

I want to be your challenge, your adventure, your passion, your nectar in the morning, noon and night

 

I want an honest touch from an honest man

I now know you exist, I didn’t just dream you up

I felt you pulsating, I felt your firmness

 

I wondered if you would be here in the morning

Signs of you are still here

The moist, the throbbing, it is all you

The wanting is still here

 

I want simple as a walk in the park

Yet you don’t walk you run

And your park is 3,000 miles away …

One more step towards freedom, liberty and the pursuit of happiness

11 Monday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I am happy because I choose to be happy.  It is a daily choice! Sometimes is a daily struggle.

Today is a struggle!

Since moving out of Ex’s house he has been calling, e-mailing and texting, mostly to say hello or something trivial,  but sometimes also adding that he is thinking of me, missing me and loving me.

Do I believe that? No! If he loved me I would still be there.

I have been trying to remain friendly as I do not believe in harboring resentments and being angry and enemies with anybody. But it is not working.

Every time he gets in touch it hurts me, it is a constant reminder that I still have feelings for him.  It reminds me that I still don’t know the reason why it ended.

Also at least once a week he used to invite me to dinner.  I have asked him to stop inviting me to dinner, which he obliged.

I have not asked him to stop getting in touch with me because we have one financial deal that will end in July and I didn’t want to make waves until then.

That was until now!  I cannot take it anymore.

I don’t care if I lose money anymore! I want my sanity! Just 5 minutes ago I called him and asked him to stop contacting me and only get in touch in July.

This afternoon he had sent me a picture of him wearing a shirt that we got on our vacation in Thailand saying he was thinking of me.  I completely fell apart.  He also mentioned looking at our skiing trip’s pictures.  I remember those trips,and many others,  the happiness, and how we seemed so perfect together.

I asked him to stop playing with my heart, stop playing games, stop getting in touch with me.  It infuriates me that he seemed shocked by my reaction, he seemed hurt and confused by my wanting to forget him.

It kills that he thinks that is perfectly normal to be dating someone (he confirmed he is dating someone, not the same person that he was dating at the time we broke up, he already moved on from that one or perhaps she wised up quickly) and still be calling me and saying he loves and misses me.  How can he not see how much that hurts me?

How can he think that that is normal? It is amazing his ability to make me feel like I am the one that is not being reasonable.

For the record he has maintained that we cannot be together because he has to concentrate on all his businesses and volunteer work and cannot be the boyfriend/partner I need him to be.  He says some of his businesses are in jeopardy and he cannot protect me. Bunch of bs as far as I am concerned. Disingenuous at best.

So I was lying in bed crying and realized that that was not helpful so now I am sitting and crying- lol

I cannot wait for the day that I will look back and laugh at all this!

I am trying to look at the good side, I am trying to find the good side. I am happy I took a stand and right now don’t care if I ever hear from him again (I so want to believe those words!). I guess deep down inside perhaps I still had hopes. I never thought I would say this, but, sometimes hope can be a dangerous thing!

How young is too young?

07 Thursday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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Animated Babies

(Picture courtesy of http://www.free-animations.co.uk)

I am sitting in the usual car of my usual train this morning playing with my phone when I have this feeling one gets when you have a pair of eyes on you.  I look up and I see this guy sitting 4 rows across from my seat staring at me.

I think to myself that dressing better on Thursdays is already paying off.

I don’t have to dress up for work.  As a matter of fact I could wear pajamas if I wanted to, but as a courtesy to my fellow train riders and my fellow New Yorkers I normally wear jeans or something as casual.

I wish I had a uniform so that I didn’t have to think of what to wear every morning (or the night before).  Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of clothes, specially now that I lost the chocolate weight and can get into a whole side of my closet that had been lying dormant for the past couple of years. I am just not creative when it comes to putting outfits together.

Because I know that if you dress better you feel better I figure I will start with dressing better on Thursdays, which happens to be my favorite day of the week. And hopefully that will get me motivated to add other days until, voila, I am dressing well the whole week!  Also, dressing better is a way of saying to the world, and most importantly to myself, that I matter enough to be concerned with how I look.

Anyway, going back to being stared at in the train…

This is a good looking young guy.  How young?  I am not sure, but I would venture a guess of low 30s.  Hummm, I am 46! So I am thinking to myself is he too young for me? Of course I am jumping the gun, for all I know he is staring at the lady behind me or next to me.

Why can’t I just relax and stare back?  Well, for beginners, I don’t know how. I don’t know how to sultrily look at any guy flirting with me. I am a big flirt but only after I met someone. The moment I have a stranger’s eyes on me I start either giggling or grinning like a Chesire cat.  I am sure guys are left scratching their heads thinking: what is wrong with her?  When I was a teen my sister would say:  Stop that grinning and giggling, they will think you have mental problems. Well, perhaps I do have mental issues because after 30 years my first reaction still is to giggle and grin.

Somehow I am able to hold my compusure and continue playing with my phone while attempting to give him quick glances.

The train arrives at Grand Central Station and I leave first. I have taken only a few steps and he is right next to me and says hello.  Up close he is even more handsome.  And YOUNG!!! He is just a baby! He looks late 20s max. I am disappointed, but still so flattered.

He asks me if I have time for breakfast and the only thing I say is: How old are you? Well I am nothing if I am not direct and to the point!  There is no guessing what I am thinking.

He says: 25, almost 25.

Oh, good God, is this a test?

I giggle! there comes the giggling again and I say: I could be your mother!

Somehow I think he has gone through this before because he lists a whole bunch of reasons why it doesn’t matter:

It is only breakfast!

You look 30!

Age is just a number!

I was always mature for my age!

You can have breafast with a friend, can you?

I give him extra points for having the guts of approaching me.  I find that a lot men are afraid of rejection so they don’t even try.  Perhaps he is too young to actually feel rejected – lol.  I politely say I am flattered but that it was best to skip breakfast.  I wish him luck and go.

Now, I know that it was only breakfast and perhaps I missed a chance of making a friend, but believe me I have been there before.  I have dated embarassingly young guys before, and in this case there is no such thing as just breakfast.

Still, I am flattered and more than ever motivated to dress up on Thursdays.  And it got me thinking:  What is my cutoff age?  How old is too young for me? since I am 46, I am thinking that a 10 year difference in either direction is okay.

but of course that is not set in stone!

By the way, for the record, I hate the label “cougar”!

(please see http://listuniverse.wordpress.com/ for my list of 10 reasons not to date a younger man)

Relationship Smarts?

24 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Disclaimer:  I happen to be a woman that has relationships with men. So when I write I write from that view point. I know that some fellow bloggers will be tempted to point out to me that women can be users too.  For the record: I understand and agree!

***

Are we ever smart enough not to be fooled by a man?  Are we ever aware enough not to confuse lust with love?

My verdict? No, never! No one is immune to a charming man.  No one is ever immune to the right words at the right time. No one is immune to physical chemistry, to that combination of want and need.

I know this woman, not really a friend, friend of a friend type of thing.  This woman is light years ahead of us mere mortals, as someone once described her.  She is a master at yoga, has read all the great books by great authors, has taken countless workshops, retreats, etc.  She has dedicated her life to the pursuit of knowing herself, body and mind.

I would think she would be able to spot a poser, a fake, from miles away, wouldn’t you? Not only she didn’t, she fell for it, hook, line and sinker!!

She called him: “The best choice I ever made”.  She wrote him notes proclaiming her love for him and “all his body parts”, thanking him for “amazing days together”.   And she started making plans for the future.

Fast forward a couple of months and guess what? She realized she had been deceived!  He is no longer her best choice, probably one of her worst.  As for loving all his body parts, she probably now has different ideas of what to do with them.

Moral of the story? No one is immune! If this woman fell for it, what are my chances?  If somebody so smart didn’t see the writing on the wall how can I, simple me, barely crawling on the road to self discovery have any chance?

I am not putting down this woman and all her knowledge, in fact I strive to have similar knowledge.

Perhaps because of the knowledge she has of herself and others she was able to figure him out within months, not years.  Some of us would be still there trying to make this relationship work.  For some of us it would have taken years of delusion, deception, pain and suffering.

I am really trying to be open to, not only to new romantic relationships, but to new friendships and new adventures, to the joy of having new people come into my life; but I am also trying to protect myself from needless pain. So I have to have my guard up, and at the same time not let the fear of getting hurt cripple me. It is a balance oftentimes hard to achieve.

I hope I will be able to pay more attention to the actions and not only to the words.   I hope I will not be blinded by appearances, and instead see the core.  As far as lust and love I am still trying to figure those out.  How do I distinguish between those two? Those are two equally great feeling in their own right.

This is what I have been doing in an effort to minimize my exposure to some of the men out there that don’t have the best intentions:

1)      I pray!  No shame in asking for help from above (or within).  I believe in the power of prayer.  So I pray to God to put good people in my path. I pray that when I encounter people not so great (we need them to learn and grow) that I can learn the lesson quickly and move on.

2)      I try to be the best person I can be!  I believe what I send out in the Universe comes back to me twofold, so if I am good, honest, generous, fun, etc, people that are similar and hold similar values will gravitate towards me.  I am becoming the person that I would like to hang out with.

3)      I am treating myself kindly!  I am being extra nice to myself. I am buying myself flowers, treating myself to nice dinners.  I am allowing myself to take naps.  When I make a mistake I don’t get mad with myself, I forgive myself quickly and move on.   I am paying attention to myself.  I am romancing myself.  That way I am not so needy and starved for attention that I will fall for anyone just because they are showing me attention and being caring.

4)      I am enjoying being single!  I am having fun.  Looking for a partner is no longer a priority. When and if he comes I will welcome him with open arms and we will have fun together, but in the meantime I am enjoying myself.  Being single and free has its perks.  No one to explain or justify anything.  I work each day on finding new joys in single-hood.

Are you able to pick the good ones from the bad ones? Are you able to distinguish between love and lust?

 

So far e-Harmony sucks!!!

14 Monday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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I joined e-Harmony last month in an effort to move on. I have to be honest and say that I am not expecting to find the love of my life there, but if I did would be amazing!

I am expecting and hoping to find some good dates, friends, entertainment, something to keep my mind off of you know who.

But so far, it has been a disappointment.

Perhaps I just think too highly of myself.  I thought that I would put up my profile on e-Harmony and men would just be all over it.  I thought I was going to have to hire someone to just deal with all the dates. ok, ok, I am just kidding, but I did think I would have several suitors.

I was in for a rude awakening! I have been contacted by a total of 5 men.

One we e-mail every now and then and will eventually meet, but I am not having any expectations, as it is he is very busy and meeting other women.

Another 2 we are still on the initial questions and answers stage – and they are taking way too long to get that done, so it seems they are not that interested, which begs the question, why contact me then?

Finally there were 2 that seemed promising. After the initial back and forth questions/answers stage we graduated to e-mails.  They both sent me long e-mails with a lot of information on them, which I took as a good sign.  They seemed thought and honest and genuinely interested.  After all, who is going to send you long e-mails with lots of information if they are not interested?

So after I replied and we exchanged a couple of more e-mails they both came and said, and I am copying and pasting their replies:

Guy #1: “Sorry for the delayed response.  I had some traveling to do, but more importantly, I met someone on eH and we have decided to be exclusive as opposed to continue dating people.  Personally, I am also more of a one girl dating kind of guy and not dating many simultaneously… so I can keep my mind clutter free :)”

Guy #2: “Like I said, I’m big on open and honest dialogue and to be fair to you, I’ve just started dating someone seriously and thus it wouldn’t be fair to you or I for us to continue communicating right now. I wish you nothing but continued success in both life and in finding your life partner. Who knows, maybe our paths will cross again some day. Take care. ”

Why contact me to begin with if they were already seeing someone?  I don’t get it.

Perhaps it is me!

Perhaps I need to take professional photos.  I have pictures that show me as I am natural and doing stuff I enjoy, skiing, traveling.  I figure men would appreciate the real me, but I guess not. Perhaps I need to have some glamour pictures done, with hair and face completely done for a night out on the town.

I know it has been only 1 month but I feel totally discouraged and will probably not continue with e-Harmony after the 3 months that I signed up for are finished (I checked, I cannot discontinue now).

Perhaps the best thing to do is forget about that for awhile and continue just focusing on me. And on finding single girlfriends that are not too busy to go out.

If it is meant to be, love will find me.

Plus I believe in Divine Timing.  When the time is right it will happen.

Any advice?

Mom I am you!

13 Sunday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Poetry

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Mom

You annoy me sometimes

When I was 17 and you read my diary
I threw it out and it would be years until I wrote again

and every time that you don’t suggest
but tells me what to do
I shrink and feel like I am 5

You have annoyed me many times
and for many reasons

Still I must remember
that everything is done out of love
and from not knowing any better

You are the one I still want to impress
You are the one I want to talk to when I am not well
even though I will say everything is fine not to worry you
and everything is indeed better the moment I hear your voice

Your love is immense
Your compassion infinite
Your energy boundless
your talent unparalleled

You brave, corageous soul
You determined, righteous individual

You are in my corner
and inside my heart

Your suffering is my suffering
Your happines my happiness

‘I love you’ should just flow out of my mouth
and yet it doesn’t

So easy to say thank you
but how often do I say it?

You mean the world to me
and my world is you

and the most annoying thing about you
and the best thing about me

is:

I became you!

oh Pleeease!!! Your love is worthless

03 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in EX Files, Finding Me

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so Ex has sent me a couple of texts, saying that I looked sexy last time he saw me and trying to invite himself over, to which I told him the truth, which he doesn’t really deserve, but telling the truth is how I choose to live, here is my e-mail reply:

“I am hurting (well, you know that), still crying over the loss of “us” every single day

 I looked the other way so many times, with D. I pretended it was not happening, but celebrating anniversaries with M. was just the nail on my coffin

 I can’t understand what have I done to deserve this from you

 Right now praying every day to preserve our friendship and the love that I still feel for you and that you never had for me”

Here is his reply:

“I love you very much

 Always have, always will

 I know that we reached a point that I was unable to be the person you wanted me to be

 Perhaps at some point I may be able to

 You can and do think a lot of things, but never think that you are not loved and though about every single day of my life, many times”

Can you believe this reply?  I guess that worst than a person lying to others is a person that lies to himself. Is either that or he is a total psychopath.

So I am not even bothering replying anything at this point, because, obviously he wouldn’t know truth and honesty if came up and bit him in the face, but let me just point out the obvious on his reply:

He says he loves me very much.  Words are cheap and easy.  His actions do not demonstrate that.

He says that he was not the person I wanted him to be. Amazing how he turns it around like I was the one unhappy one and the one with problems. But I guess in a way he is right, I wanted a man I could trust.  I wanted an honest man, that would be faithful, and that would think that I alone was good enough for him. I wanted a man that could keep it in his pants.

He says: perhaps at some point I will be able to (be the person I want him to be).  Sorry that ship has sailed.  After trying, trying and trying some more, I had to face the truth that he just doesn’t want me. But it is really clever how he tries to keep me going with promises of a future. How he keeps dangling the carrot in front of me.  Sorry, that carrot is no longer appealing.

He says: that I can think of many things except that I am not loved and thought about daily.  Funny freaking way of showing his love.  Lets count the ways: 1)by having all sorts of women coming to the house, 2)taking all sorts of women on dates, 3)by lying to my face many times, including saying that he wanted to be alone to focus on his business and children, 4)by saying that he was not doing anything for me, with me on Valentine’s Day because he didn’t want to send me the wrong message, 5)celebrating anniversaries with at least 1 woman, yep on the 22nd of May it will be 2 happy months with M., and so many other ways the loves and thinks of me daily, but I will not bore you with anymore details.

YES, HE REALLY LOVES ME!!!

please remind me: why am still trying to preserve a friendship with him??

Exes are like old clothes!

30 Monday Apr 2012

Posted by in EX Files, Finding Me

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Exes are like old clothes that no longer fits us.

You know it does not fit you. Perhaps it is old and ripped, perhaps it is too small or hopefully too large, perhaps it is a style that it will never come back again.  Whatever the reason maybe, there is a reason why those articles of clothing have been put aside and rarely looked at it.

It takes space in your closet and it is a constant reminder of some other time.  And every now and then, perhaps when you are about to actually donate or put it in trash, you get nostalgic and think of all the emotional attachment, how you were that on your 30th birthday, or you bought it in Thailand and therefore irreplaceable, or how you got a compliment when you were it.

Whatever the reason may be you once again put it on, only to confirm that it looks awful, feels awful, or perhaps after you use you get a rash from the cheap material.  There is nothing good about it.  So are you going to get rid of it or put it back in the closet to revisit it at some point?

That is exactly what I was doing with Ex.  Revisiting it time and time again.  Thanks Heavens and the Universe that I woke up and realize that no good can come from going back there.

The truth is deep down inside I still thought and hoped that it would work.  I was willing to forget and forgive everything, thinking that love conquers all.

Love conquers all when there is love.  Lust doesn’t conquer all.  Lust gives you great moments, but that is it!

So glad, so relieved, so thankful that I no longer have hopes that there is a future for Ex and I.  So grateful that now I can look at him and think he will be a friend (if he is lucky), but that is it!

That realization is priceless.  It is a huge stumbling block being lifted from my path.

So, forget about old clothes, donate, sell, give it away.  Make space for new and better clothes.  You are not the same person anymore.  You are better and deserve better!

Don’t get stuck in the past!! Move on!!

Are you stuck in repeating patterns?  Are you stuck in the past, still refusing to give up?