A little ego boost doesn’t hurt anyone!

11 Tuesday Feb 2014

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Olympic Rings, Whistler Olympic Plaza

Olympic Rings, Whistler Olympic Plaza

I am in the middle of writing a post about how Whistler Mountain kicked my bootie and how I slowly saw my self-confidence take a nose dive, when I received an email from D., the guy I met in Whistler.

I met D through an ad I posted in Craigslist about skiing alone in Whistler and looking for a dinner companion.  Among the crude, rude and just totally inappropriate replies, was D.  He seemed like a normal guy.  I always operate under the assumption that I am not the only good normal person out there that has resorted to craigslist, and I always err on the side of safety.

We exchanged emails leading up to the trip and we met as soon as I got in.  He had arrived the day before.  He is from Montreal, so I was excited to be able to try some French words on him.

We skied together two days and had dinner and breakfast several times.  The other days I had lessons and I also had dinner with other people that I met.

We became friends immediately, conversation flowed easily and we joked and made fun of each other.

There was no romance, especially since he lives in Montreal, and it would be hard to have a relationship.  I am not a casual type of person, not that there is anything wrong with that, but I tend to become emotionally involved too fast, so I know casual is not for me, and I am not about to sign up for another heartache, so we kept everything friendly.

“Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.” ― Elie Wiesel

I consider him a good person and a friend, but expected to exchange emails once in a blue moon, if that, so I was shocked to receive such a nice email from him.  Here are parts of the email he sent me:

“Still thinking about you.

There are few unsaid things that I want to let you know. Like the first night we met, I was pleasantly surprised by how beautiful you look, I imagined you way different but not ugly for sure, just different  :- )

I think that you are an amazing woman who accomplished a lot in life and that you are very fun to be with. You are very curious about a lot of things, very smart and funny. You are very impressive person.
I was a very proud man to be seen with you in public and very touched by your sweetness and personality.”

Perhaps I am just an easy needy person, who I like to believe I am not, but I have to say his words made me happy, specially the part about being proud to be seeing in public with me.  Chances are we will not see each other again, but hearing kind words is always uplifting and puts an extra spring in my step.

I feel ambivalent about this post now, like who do I think I am? and why do I care about words? oh well, I am only human! That is my excuse and I am sticking to it!!

Stay tuned for the post about my ego’s nose dive.  It is all about balance after all. I was too full of myself and had to be put in my place.

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” ― Anaïs Nin

Whistler Blackcomb Skiing Vacation!

09 Sunday Feb 2014

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Whistler Blackcomb Mountain

Whistler Blackcomb Mountain

I am back! It is hard to believe that is has already come and gone!

The trip was a success, even if I have returned with a bruised ego and shaky confidence in my skiing.  I will save my bruised ego details for the next post.  I am happy to say, that on the other hand, my confidence in travelling alone has not only returned, it has skyrocketed!!

I took an Air Canada flight and everything went fine.  It is just annoying that they don’t allow even one free piece of luggage, if you want to take anything you better be prepared to spend $25 each piece.  I find that almost insulting after paying so much for the flight.

Crystal Lodge

The Crystal Lodge

I stayed at the Crystal Lodge in Whistler, very close to the Gondola and lifts. Skiing is an uncomfortable sport so I really try to maximize my comfort by staying as close as I can to the mountain.  There was originally a mix-up with my room but once I complained they quickly gave me a much better one.  I had a balcony and a view of the mountain from it and from the other window a view of the village.

View from my room

View from the balcony of my room

The weather was a letdown.  I had been there twice before and both times the entire village and mountain was covered in fresh snow.  This time there was no fresh snow and it was extremely cold.  The consolation was that it was very sunny and also the mountain made snow non-stop.  It is also a good thing to ski under different types of conditions as I learn.

Sunny and Beautiful Cold Days

Sunny and Beautiful Cold Days

The below picture shows the temperatures on my last day there, which was already getting warmer than the previous days.  This coming week will be warm and there will be several snow days ahead, of course! lol  I am not complaining about the cold, I am stating the fact.  I had many layers and was not cold at all.

BRRR COLD!!!

BRRR COLD!!!

As I had mentioned I went alone. I put an ad on Craigslist and ended up meeting a guy from Montreal, that was in a similar predicament as I was: skiing alone for one week.  We skied 2 days together and had various meals together.  There was no romance, and that was not the intention of the ad.  The aim of my ad was for a dinner companion.  Whistler has amazing restaurants, I wanted to make sure to eat at some of them and I didn’t feel like eating alone.  I have made a friend. (of course I got all sorts of response to my ad, rude, crude, etc.  I want to make sure that I am in no way recommending Craigslist or any online medium. I am extremely careful and don’t ever meet anyone until I am certain that I am safe, and always meet in a public place. So being safe is key, online and otherwise).

Peak to Peak Gondola

Peak to Peak Gondola

I also made several friends in the lifts and in the classes I took, I exchanged emails with them and even got invitations to visit Australia and Japan.  I actually spent very little time alone and could have used more time alone as a matter of fact.

Whistler Mountain

Whistler Mountain

I am so happy for having done this trip and I am already thinking of the next one.  Looking back I don’t know why I procrastinated for so long.   Whistler is beautiful and majestic.  I love the little village and love that I know my well around it well.  I am sure I will return many times over.  I am blessed and I know it! I am grateful!

“Every person needs to take one day away.  A day in which one consciously separates the past from the future.  Jobs, family, employers, and friends can exist one day without any one of us, and if our egos permit us to confess, they could exist eternally in our absence.  Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for.  Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us.”― Maya Angelou

I am not yesterday’s mistakes!

30 Thursday Jan 2014

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Christina’s World by Andrew Wyeth

Christina’s World by Andrew Wyeth – I love this painting for what I see in it, while some may see despair, I see hope!

“Renew, release, let go. Yesterday’s gone. There’s nothing you can do to bring it back. You can’t “should’ve” done something. You can only DO something. Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new day!” –Steve Maraboli

I am not my mistakes of yesterday!

I am today! I am now!  I can be a whole new person and not let yesterday define my tomorrow.  Yesterday was a lesson that I needed to learn!

So I had too much chocolate cake yesterday.  So I wasted time talking to a guy that I know is not good for me!  So I watched too much bad TV.  So I didn’t exercise!  So what?

None of that is a death sentence! None of that has to be forever! All of that is me, parts of me that I struggle with. I own it, I face it, I struggle with it, I defy it, I make promises, I repeat it and then I try again the next day.  It sounds like a vicious cycle, but it doesn’t have to be.  I can change it with every new day, with each new second.

“It is important that we forgive ourselves for making mistakes. We need to learn from our errors and move on.” –Steve Maraboli

Not everything is under my control, but a lot is, and what I choose to do with my life is.  I have free-will!

I finally realized that I am not as nice to myself as I think I am.  I still beat myself up for indiscretions that I, time and time again, promise not to repeat and I realize I am making matters worse.  It is important for me is to be less judgmental and more accepting of my flaws.   Trying so hard to be so perfect is making me weaker and more susceptible to continue the cycle.  Acceptance is key!

I can spend today regretting yesterday and admonishing myself.  Or I can face it, and understand the fact that I am weak when faced with certain things. I can come up with strategies and ways to make sure I change that which needs changing.  I can tell myself to move on.

 “The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”     –Steve Maraboli

I am not changing over night, and expecting instant results is the fastest way to fail.  I am not swearing off sugar and throwing my TV out of the window.  Moderation, moderation – That is the route that I think it will work for me.  Baby steps!

I can (and should) ask for help, from God (the Universe/the Light), from writings, from people. I don’t want the challenges removed.  I want strength to deal with the challenges. And with each new challenge I grow stronger.

I can pay attention and learn to identify the trigger situations and get better at dealing with them.  Planning is a great defense to make sure that the cycle gets broken.  The Boys Scouts are right, “Be Prepared “is a great motto to have!

“Renew, release, let go. Yesterday’s gone. There’s nothing you can do to bring it back. You can’t “should’ve” done something. You can only DO something. Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new day!” –Steve Maraboli

I love myself and because I love myself I am going to be even nicer to myself, my body, mind and soul.

I am who I want to be! I am not who I was yesterday or one minute ago.  I am going to start acting like the person I want to be, fake till I make it.

I am my words, thoughts, feelings, and more important; I am my actions!  Words and thoughts alone without action are meaningless, still that is where it all starts.   Thoughts become words, which then get translated into actions. I have to act my thoughts and feelings!

It is important that I continue to populate my mind with positive things, that I read the right things, that I watch the right things, that I have the right friends.  By right I mean, that which will help me continue on this path that I am choosing for my life:  a simpler and yet more purposeful and rewarding life to me and those around me.

Moral of my story:  forgiving myself, learning the lesson and moving forward always!   Inching towards my goals is better than being stationary or moving backwards!

 “If people refuse to look at you in a new light and they can only see you for what you were, only see you for the mistakes you’ve made, if they don’t realize that you are not your mistakes, then they have to go.” –Steve Maraboli

 

Skiing is living and Making peace with all things Ex!

23 Thursday Jan 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” *

November 28, 2013

My skiing trip is all planned!  Whistler it is! I am so excited about this trip; I am like a kid going to Disney!  There are many things that make me happy about this trip, besides the pure love of skiing:

1)    Practice makes it perfect.  I enjoy realizing that with persistence and practice I can get better at anything I put my mind to it.  Nothing is unattainable!  I am not going to be an expert but I am going to improve until I am as comfortable skiing as I am walking.

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” *

2)    Being challenged.  I love how challenging it is for me, and still I know I can conquer it.  The falling and getting up multiple times is a great lesson.  In skiing I don’t see not falling as a good thing; I see it as I am playing it safe, I am not challenging myself.  It is the perfect analogy for life.  We can get too comfortable in it and not strive to get better and reach our potential.  Our potential as human beings and God’s children is limitless.  The sky is the limit; we can have it all and do it all.   Keep on falling…and getting up.

“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.”*  

3)    Freedom from thought.  At the top of a snowy mountain is the only place and time in the world where my mind is totally thoughtless. There are times that I stop right at the top and I look around and I actually look for thoughts as I appreciate my smallness in the world. I feel this indescribable peace within me.  I feel so infinitely small before God’s amazing nature and yet so powerful and rich.  I feel blessed to be able to experience this.

“I’m alive. When I’m eating that’s all I think about. If I’m on the march, I just concentrate on marching. If I have to fight,it will be just as good a day as any to die. If you can concentrate always on the present, you’ll be a happy man. Life is the moment we are living now.”*

4)    Being self sufficient.  This trip was my idea, my decisions, my planning.  I am going alone and I just know it will be even more fun than I dream of.  This is a major step to being back to my very confident single self.  The world is my oyster, Whistler is just the beginning!

I want to live as I ski, boldly!  Falling and getting up, taking chances, combining tiny steps into long strides. Going forward always! Laughing in the face of fear!

“People are capable, at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of.”* 

5)    Making new memories.  Finally and perhaps most important at this time, I will be making new memories in Whistler.  The memories I have of Whistler are all with Ex. I have to give him credit for introducing me to skiing and for making it all as comfortable and fun as possible.  It was because of him that I discovered and fell in love with skiing.  On the first day when I wanted to give up, he is the one that made me relax and try again.  Thank you Ex, I am forever grateful!

“Don’t think about what you’ve left behind” The alchemist said to the boy as they began to ride across the sands of the desert. “If what one finds is made of pure matter, it will never spoil. And one can always come back. If what you had found was only a moment of light, like the explosion of a star, you would find nothing on your return.” *

******

Speaking of Ex, I realized that I don’t have to rebel and go against and let go of everything I enjoyed with Ex.

  “And, when you can’t go back, you have to worry only about the best way of moving forward.” *

  • His mother.  I don’t have to stop talking to his mother.  My relationship with his mother has become even stronger.  There was a moment I thought about breaking it off, but I am glad I didn’t.  She is a cool person and the love we have for each other is genuine.

“One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.” *

  • Kansas City Chiefs. I spent a week at their training camp and learned the rules of the game by watching them.  I love an underdog because in many ways I feel like one.  Immediately after the breakup I gave all my jerseys away in an effort of erasing Ex out of my life, as if it was going to be that easy.   I have recently realized that I don’t need to find a new team.  The Chiefs are my team and that is final! All they need to do now is win a Super Bowl for me!! 🙂
  • Skiing and Tennis.  I never met anyone so athletic and so great at all sports as Ex.  ( is lying and cheating a sport?).  I plan on continuing trying to get better and enjoying both, skiing and tennis as much as possible and as much as my hip and shoulder will allow it.

“We are travelers on a cosmic journey,stardust,swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share.This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity.” *

The fact is that my new (well, not so new) single life doesn’t have to revert to what it was before Ex.  My today is composed of all my yesterdays, of all experiences with every single person that came and comes into my life, even if for one moment.  I am a better person today because of all the good and bad experiences that people I have shared life with afforded me.  I am not going to try to forget them and pretend they never existed.  I am going to rejoice on them, learn from them and build upon them!

“Because I don’t live in either my past or my future.I’m interested only in the present”.” *

*All quotes are from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I was having an Alchemist kind of moment – it was hard not to quote the entire book!

Don’t wait for anything or anybody, go ahead and do it!

15 Wednesday Jan 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Snowmass, CO - heavenly!!

Snowmass, CO – heavenly!!

I have been procrastinating planning a skiing trip since the beginning of December.  I finally realized why.  I have been waiting!  I have been waiting for the right time, the right location, the right weather, the right price, but most important and most disturbing to me, I have been waiting for company, for someone.  I have been waiting for a miracle in the form of a person.

I have been waiting for someone to step up and say: I want to go skiing with you!  I had this crazy idea that by now I would have met someone, not to love me, but just to ski with me.  No such luck!   Well, perhaps the luck is in not finding someone and to have to face certain truths.

It has been a daily thing.  I get up motivated thinking today is the day that I will make decisions as far as my trip is concerned.  I start researching places and dates and all of a sudden it all seems too much and I let it go.  I keep coming up with excuses:

Excuse #1: It is too much money! Truth: I am a wise spender and like to indulge on this I love such as skiing trips and massages.  Plus I have been saving for it!

Excuse #2:  It is not the right time to be away from work.  Truth: There never seems to be a perfect time to be out of the office.  I have done it many times before and everyone survived.

Excuse #3: I am sure the moment I plan something I will meet someone and the plans will conflict.  Truth: It could or it could not happen, but waiting for it is dumb.  If I meet someone, they can either fit in my plans or they can wait until I am done with my plans.

“Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone”
― Pablo Picasso

I have been guilty of doing something that, a long time ago, I had vowed never to do: To wait for someone to do something with or to get something done.  Shame on me! I should and I know better!  I have done so much alone, with no issues or problems.  It is time to get back to that fierce independence, and just get out there and do it!

My beautiful (she is my identical twin lol) and wise sister said to me today: What is going on?  You always went on trips alone and you always had a lot fun! Stop making excuses!

My advice to you and at the same time to me is: Don’t wait until tomorrow and, most important, don’t wait for others!  Start living the life you want now!  All it takes it a first step! Embrace yourself, embrace now! (Are you listening Miss Blessed?)

The right time is now!  The right person is you! You alone are enough!  If it needs to be done, needs to be done now!  If you want to experience something, try something new, a new sport, a new craft, whatever it is, start now!

What do you want to accomplish? Look into your heart, I am sure there is at least one thing you want to do or try.  Can you imagine if you had already started it last week, last month, last year?  So don’t waste any more time!

Don’t wait until you lose weight to wear the clothes you like, to take a trip, to go on dates.  Life doesn’t wait for anyone.  Life is going by while we make excuses not to live it.  Life passes while we make plans or, worse, plan to make plans. So instead we just watch life, we watch others all around us, we watch it on TV.  We make ourselves busy with nothing, instead of getting out there and doing something.

As soon as I post this blog, I will get focused on finalizing my trip details.   I am still all over the place, from flying to Utah at the end of January to renting a car and driving to Vermont in February, but I have faith that by Friday I will have it all set!

“Today is a new day. Don’t let your history interfere with your destiny! Let today be the day you stop being a victim of your circumstances and start taking action towards the life you want. You have the power and the time to shape your life. Break free from the poisonous victim mentality and embrace the truth of your greatness. You were not meant for a mundane or mediocre life!”
― Steve Maraboli

“A simple question provokes a momentary internal revolt”

08 Wednesday Jan 2014

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“I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.” ― Albert Einstein

Sometimes all it takes is an innocent question to make you doubt and second guess yourself.

As I was leaving work on New Year’s Eve a co-worker yelled out:  Who will you be kissing at midnight? If ever a question was painful, this one was it!  As I am waiting for the elevator I feel loneliness invading my being.

“Sometimes I get so immersed in my own company, if I unexpectedly run into someone I know, it’s a bit of a shock and takes me a while to adjust.” 
― Kazuo Ishiguro

All of a sudden it feels like the entire world as having a party and I was not invited.    The elevator doors open and I walk in, feeling like a zombie, feeling oddly disconnected from my body.  I am saddened by the realization that I will not kiss or be kissed by anyone on New Year’s Eve.  What a sin!

Up to that instant I was fine with being alone,  I was even looking forward to it.  I was proud of not having a problem being alone. I have been living away from my family for almost 30 years and I don’t have close friends living nearby, so I am no stranger to spending time/holidays alone.  It doesn’t bother me. I welcome it as a sign of my strength and independence.  The more time alone I spent the stronger and more independent I feel. So this feeling of loneliness was confusing me.

“We live, in fact, in a world starved for solitude, silence, and private: and therefore starved for meditation and true friendship.”  ― C.S. Lewis

I stepped out into the cold New York air with my head buzzing with so many thoughts.  I welcomed the 10 blocks ahead of me as a chance to collect my thoughts and try to organize them in some coherent form. I could feel self pity invading me.

Those 10 blocks were spent looking inward trying to find the source of my feelings.  I was asking myself questions: What am I feeling? (cold, pain, self-pity)  Why am I feeling this way?(is it based on reality or is it based on what society wants me to feel like?) Do I want to do anything about it? (yes I do, I don’t play victim well, I rather be the strong, self assured and independent type) What can I do about it? (lots, I can start by shifting my thinking and focusing on only goodness)

“I never really understood the word ‘loneliness’. As far as I was concerned, I was in an orgy with the sky and the ocean, and with nature.” ― Björk

I am happy to say that by the time I reached Grand Central Station I had already snapped out of it, and was back to my bubbly happy self. But still this is was a good humbling exercise in self-discovery.

I will have moments of doubt.  I will have moments of feeling sorry for myself.  I will have moments of feeling lonely.  But none of those single moments define me or my future.  Those moments serve to get to know myself better, to teach me to discern my feelings and to appreciate all I have. It helps me to confront myself and ask myself hard questions.  It helps me to realize that it is okay to feel alone, weak, unsure, to have doubts, and a whole host of negative feelings and emotions every now and then. I am only human and not a super-being!

“A man can be himself only so long as he is alone; and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom; for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.” ― Arthur Schopenhauer

The way I got out of that victim mentality was to realize that I was alone by choice. And what amazing gift is to have choices!  It is up to me to change whatever I am not happy with, but in this case there was nothing to change.  I was not and I am not lonely.  I am never alone, I have so many guardian angels.  I feel their protection often.  I relish walking into my empty apartment. It was just a second that I let “what the rest of the world is doing” get in my head.

I made a mental list of all the joys and blessings in my life – and there are so many! I am so loved by my family and I have so much love in my being for God, my family, friends, for all,  that is impossible to be alone. The list of my blessings is infinite!

“I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.”  –― Charlotte Brontë

I am alone, but not lonely, that is always how I feel.  I feel that my solitude is somewhat poetic and desirable. It is true that there are rare moments of loneliness.  Actually I wouldn’t call it that, I would call “moments of longing for someone”.  On a cold night such a tonight it would be awesome to have someone to cuddle with, actually it would probably save me some money on the utility bill.  I am a hot blooded passionate fiery Aries Brazilian woman, I have needs ! 🙂 But I don’t want just a warm body.  I want that special person. When the choice is being alone with somebody else or being alone by myself I will take being alone by myself every time!

“Language … has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.” ― Paul Tillich

Don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating a life living solo.   I am on a dating site because I think that life as part of a couple can be much better than single, but that is, only if I find someone that I think it is the right person for me.  I am advocating being happy and content the way you are at the present moment, not feeling that you need to be or do a certain thing, or do what you think is expected of you. Do what is in your heart!  Accept, love and respect yourself first! Love and appreciate all you have until you have everything you love and appreciate!

“Many people suffer from the fear of finding oneself alone, and so they don’t find themselves at all.” ― Rollo May

What I am saying is learn to spend time alone. Learn to spend time with yourself and appreciate the beauty of it.  Get close to your loneliness, make friends with it, have some coffee with it and realize that it is not so bad.  It can actually be very rewarding and productive.  At the end of the day we are all alone!

“In order to understand the world, one has to turn away from it on occasion.”
― Albert Camus

Bye 2013, Welcome 2014!

31 Tuesday Dec 2013

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“Love is the absence of judgment.” ― Dalai Lama XIV

I was going to write a year-end balance of my life.  I was going to illustrate how far I have come and where I want to go.  The truth is it doesn’t matter!  What is important is that I continue growing, improving, facing old fears, charting new courses, moving always.  One foot in front of the other, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, but always taking a next step.

Coming very far just shows me that I have so much more to go and do.  Same with knowledge, but it is better to know than live in blissful ignorance.  Knowledge is power!

“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” ― Socrates

My wish for myself and for the world in 2014:  More acceptance and less control and judgment.

“Whenever you feel like criticizing any one…just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald

I realized that my wanting to improve myself and the world around me, even though it a good thing, it was becoming a tad too controlling and self-important.  I was trying to control my surroundings.  I was passing judgment and I was not accepting of people’s difference of opinion.  I was feeling a little too self-important, like I have the knowledge and if people can only do as I say and follow my lead all would be fine.  Where is the respect for other people’s free will?

We all have our roads to travel, our crosses to bear, I have no right to interfere.   Even if asked, I should refrain from opining.  I don’t have all the answers.  Actually, even worst, I don’t even have all the questions.

“Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.” ― Paulo Coelho

So in 2014 I will watch for the times that I am passing judgment, for the times that I am trying to exercise control of something or situation.  I will accept more and do less (less manipulating and controlling).  I will refrain from giving advice.  I will allow nature to take its course without my constant need to guide the destiny.  Less reaction, less meddling, more acceptance and understanding!

Every single one of you are important to me and a part of my journey. For that I feel blessed and I am grateful! A wondrous and blessed 2014 to All!

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu

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What seeds am I planting?

20 Friday Dec 2013

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Whistler, BC, Canada

Whistler, BC, Canada – where I would love to be at this moment!

I was thinking of 2014 and I realized how important what I am doing at this very moment contributes to my future – no earth shattering news there but sometimes I catch myself going through the motions and not really living or paying attention to what I am doing.

I decided, to quote my favorite movie “Shaswhank Redemption”, get “busy living” instead of get “busy dying”.  I decided to take a look at my present behavior to see if I am conducting myself in a way that benefits my future.  What seeds am I planting?

Here are the questions I am asking myself, and in a way here is my self improvement list:

1)    Am I getting enough sleep and drinking enough water?

2)    Am I learning to accept, love and take care of my body the way it deserves?

3)    Am I watching what I eat and drink?  Am I getting enough protein and less sugar?

4)    Am I making sure I am not overindulging in anything, and letting any one thing control me? Chocolate, TV, even a good thing such as exercise can become an addiction if I let it control me.

5)    Am I reading more and watching less?  Books are food for my mind and soul, TV can sometimes desensitize us and make us life observers and not participants.  (of course there are bad books and good TV shows too!)

6)    Am I making sure I am not wasting my time online with useless distractions?  Online life can be addictive and unreal.

7)    Am I simplifying my life?  Getting rid of the excess, old and unused? Donate, trade, re-purpose!

8)    Am I recycling and not wasting resources?

9)    Am I keeping clean surroundings?  A clean desk, house, mind means more efficiency.

10)  Am I respecting my parents and my elders? Am respecting their opinions, their limitations?

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. ~Anaïs Nin

11)  Am I being kind to strangers?  Am I being kind to all, especially when it is most difficult to do?

12)  Am I surrounding myself with quality people, good energy people? Am staying away from negativity?

13)  Am I getting myself out in the world and networking and cultivating good relationships?

14)  Am I updating my resume and qualifications? Am I being ready and prepared should I come to need it?

15)  Am I giving back to the community, to the world? Am I volunteering my time and energy to worthwhile causes?  Am I donating money?

16)  Am I obeying the laws, written and unwritten?

He who knows others is learned;
He who knows himself is wise.
~Lao-tzu

17)  Am I being moral and ethical? Am I making sure that I am not taking shortcuts?

18)  Am I replacing old bad habits with new good ones? For example, taking a walk after dinner instead of sitting in front of the TV.

19)  Am I facing my fears and getting out of my comfort zone? This is the where and when my soul shines and my self esteem rises!

20)  Am I smiling often? Am I smiling when things are good and smiling even more when things are bad?

21)  Am I making sure I am not settling for less than what I deserve for fear (of something, the unknown, of being alone, etc)?

“It takes courage…to endure the sharp pains of self discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives.” 
― Marianne Williamson

22)  Am I talking less and listening more? Am I using my words for the good?

23)  Am I using my skills and talents to the best of my abilities?

24)  Am I always learning something new?  (to me this is the key to staying young)

25)  Am I praying and having positive thoughts throughout my day? Am I trusting the God/Universe/Light within me?

26)  Am I being in the moment?  Am I being conscious of my actions and not going through life as a robot?

27)  Am I forgiving and forgetting? Am I forgiving others for wronging me?

28)  Am forgiving myself for past mistakes? Am I taking corrective measures to right and wrong but not dwelling in it?

29)  Am I learning to ask for help and accept help when I need it?  Am I offering help?

30)  Am I creating goals and working towards achieving them?

All men should strive to learn before they die
what they are running from, and to, and why.
~James Thurber

31)  Am I keeping stress at bay, by learning to relax, breathing and hitting pause when necessary?

32)  Am I being non-reactive? Am I making sure that I am not being impulsive with my actions?

33)  Am I being financially responsible and living within my means?  Am I cutting out unnecessary expenses? Am I having respect for my money and the hard work I put in to get it?

34)  Am I accepting people as they are, and not imposing my will on them? Am I being non-judgmental?

35)  Am I welcoming pain, problems, obstacles, challenges, etc, as a growth opportunity?  Am I looking at the situation and learning from it?

36) Am I loving when hating would be easier?

37) Am I being grateful for all I have been blessed with?  I am honoring my blessings and not taking anything for granted?

This is an on-going list as I am a work-in-progress!

“It is necessary … for a man to go away by himself … to sit on a rock … and ask, ‘Who am I, where have I been, and where am I going?” 
― Carl Sandburg

My favorite flowers: daisies

My favorite flowers: daisies!

My work is never done – Happily working and progressing!

12 Thursday Dec 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“The more you know, the more you know you don’t know.” ― Aristotle

Some days the quote above really comes to mind when I think how far I came emotionally in the last couple of years.  It seems that the more I learn about myself, the more I fine tune, the more I work on things I think need to work on, the more I realize how much more work I need.

That is not to say that I am not giving myself credit for all the work.  I feel that spiritually and emotionally I am at a much better place and only scratching the surface of how awesome I can become.  I am excited to put in more work and watch myself blossom.

“Hard work does not go unnoticed, and someday the rewards will follow” 
― Allan Rufus

Here are some of the things that I am constantly trying to work on:

Being fully present in every moment.  Concentrating on the now is one of the best things you can do for your future.  The past is gone.  Some memories are good but to continue to relive the past is not healthy or beneficial.  At the same time don’t just live in the future. Do not dream of how amazing your life will be when something you really want happens, such as losing weight.  Start living that life now and do whatever you want to do now! Be conscious of every moment, pay attention to every moment.  Don’t be a robot!

“Forever is composed of nows.” 
― Emily Dickinson

Stay away from negative energy/people. We all know some people that sag our energy,  that drag us down.  They have a way of making us feel defensive or irritated or cause us to have some other negative feeling, so why choose to share space with them? Stay away!  Of course sometimes it is not possible to avoid them, in that case don’t give them power and opportunity. Don’t engage them in unnecessary conversation.

“You cannot expect to live a positive life if you hang with negative people.” 
― Joel Osteen

Stay away from bad influences and situations.  I know that there are certain situations I am vulnerable to.  For example, I know that there are certain types of guys that I start talking to and energy flows but I know they are not good for me in the end, but I am having fun so I continue in the slippery slide.  I need to avoid putting myself in those situations that I know it will not be a good for me.  Another sensitive area is sugar.  I know that if I buy a whole chocolate cake I will be tempted to slowly eat the whole thing, so now I only buy a slice. So this goes back to being present in the moment and asking myself if what I am about to do is beneficial to me in the long run.

Stay busy and active with things that matter. An idle mind is the devil’s playground.  That is so true and to that I will add: an idle body is also the devil’s playground.  But don’t just keep yourself busy with just anything.  Busy yourself with activities that benefit you and/or others.  Learn, build, construct, help, etc.  Make your actions meaningful.  With that being said, make sure to rest and have fun.  Don’t be a slave to and addicted to anything. Even healthy habits can be detrimental if you make them your God.  Practice balance and moderation!

Be kind to yourself.  No one is perfect.  We all err, and sometimes we make the same mistake twice, three times.  Don’t penalize yourself.   Take ownership of the mistake and move on.  Promise yourself that you will do better next time. Reward yourself for goals met and for accomplishments.  Don’t wait for anyone to tell you how awesome you are!   Be your biggest fan!

Act with love and kindness.  Just think of everyone as your brother/sister and treat them as such.  Even when it is the hardest thing to do, and is at that time that there is more value in doing it. Choose kindness, understanding and forgiveness.

“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

You are always and already whole and perfect as God intended.  Nobody can take away your values and morals.  People and circumstances may leave you feeling down, deflated, less than perfect.  Things and people may break your heart, your bones, take your money and material things, but no one can take your essence away.  Stay true to them.  Stay true to your morals and beliefs.  Don’t let anyone make you think that you not a good person.

“There are two kinds of perfect: The one you can never achieve, and the other, by just being yourself.” 
― Lauren King

Accept pain and problems as lessons and opportunities for growth.  Each roadblock is a little step towards a better you, towards a better future.  Each situation offers a chance for growth.  So welcome the hardship, but don’t suffer unnecessarily. Contemplate the situation and learn as much as you can from it.  Understand the part you played in it so not to repeat it.  Don’t stay in the pain and don’t act like a victim!

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”― Haruki Murakami

Never lose faith and hope.  No matter what happens in your life proceed with the faith and knowledge that as long as you continue working hard the best outcome will be yours.  Realize that at the most difficult times your faith is being tested, and that is when you need to believe the most!  Believe in yourself and the Creator and Universe within you!

“Faith is not the belief that God will do what you want. It is the belief that God will do what is right.” 
― Max Lucado

Don’t be reactive!  I am quick to react to anything, good or bad.  I normally blame it on being an Impulsive and impatient Aries.  Be in control of your steps and movements and actions.  Before anything, Stop and reflect!  (This one I learned, well still learning, in Kabbalah and I am still trying to apply to my life. It is not easy, before I know I already reacted)

“Spiritual practice involves being constantly aware.” 
― Shri Radhe Maa

Last, but not least, Smile! Don’t forget to smile! Smile in good times and in bad times smile even more!

“Peace begins with a smile..” 
― Mother Teresa

My Powerful Allies: Space, Time and Silence!

05 Thursday Dec 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 18 Comments

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“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.” 
― E.A. Bucchianeri

This blog wouldn’t be the same if every now and then I wouldn’t mention Ex.  The goal is for him to be a long lost memory, but it is not turning out to be that way.

Here is the latest installment:

On Thanksgiving day he sent me a text saying Happy Thanksgiving.  Okay that may not seem like a lot or perhaps may seem like a good thing to some, but to me it hits a nerve.  How many times do I have to ask him not to contact me?

Doesn’t he understand that every time he does that he reopens a wound that is starting to heal?

I have been trying not to be reactive, so I didn’t do anything…  for 1 day. A day later his text was still in my mind, so I fired off a couple of texts telling him to please stop.  I was honest and told him how much it hurts me when he does that.  Perhaps I shouldn’t have told him that it hurts, perhaps that is what he wants.

He replied that he said Happy Thanksgiving  because he loves me and wants me and my family to have a good Thanksgiving. He also added that he was going to wish me a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year now because he didn’t think I wanted to hear from him very often.

What??? He doesn’t think I wanted to hear from him very often???? How many times can I ask him not to contact me? Why does he play dumb?

“There are some wounds that one can heal only by deepening them and making them worse.” 
― Auguste de Villiers de l’Isle-Adam

So I texted a final text and I asked him to pretend I was dead because that is what I am trying to do in regards to him. It sounds dramatic, but it is true.

I am not proud of texting him, perhaps I should have not done it.  But what is done is done. No regrets, just hoping I can choose silence next time.

I am hoping I got my point across.  If not, my next step will be to change my phone number.

I have to see the good side of everything, so here is how I put my positive spin on it:

I welcome the pain, the hurt, the sadness, the anger, all the feelings fighting for space inside me and threatening to come out.  I welcome them all to come to the surface, have some face time and then leave.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” 
― Rumi

I am happy that even though I felt like replying to him right away I didn’t.  I didn’t react impulsively.  I thought about it and let things marinate. I replied anyway later but it didn’t control me, I controlled it.

I am happy that I am so sure I don’t want any contact with him.  Before, his texts would give me hope, even if I didn’t want to own up to it.  Now it is annoying and painful.

“We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.”  ― Marcel Proust

I am at peace now. At peace with the text and hopeful that he now got the message.

I realized that I have a trio of allies and I need to let them do their work.  My allies are Space, Time and Silence.

Space/Distance:  I need to keep my space from Ex and that to me doesn’t only mean physical space.  It means not snooping around the internet looking for information on him. Yes I have been guilt of looking up his girlfriend’s Facebook, of checking all his businesses and rereading a couple of newspaper articles on him.  I am happy to inform that I haven’t done any of that in 2 weeks.

“The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget you.” 
― Nicholas Sparks

“Distance has the same effect on the mind as on the eye.” 
― Samuel Johnson

Time: I need to let time work for me.  With each day I get stronger and his memory faint.  I also need to stop counting time.  There is no deadline or time limit for the grieving to be over.  But one thing is for sure time will pass and so will the pain and hurt.

“Because time does the job, dynamite can’t touch.” 
― John Steinbeck

Silence: I need to keep my silence and not let him engage me and my energy into texting, emailing, etc .  I don’t need to have the last word.  Silence is oftentimes the loudest!

“Silence is a source of Great Strength.” 
― Lao Tzu

“I’ve begun to realize that you can listen to silence and learn from it. It has a quality and a dimension all its own.” 
― Chaim Potok

One main issue for me is the fact that he never acknowledged the cheating.  When I got his text I considered for a moment meeting him and telling him everything I feel and what I need to hear from him.  And then I realized I have already done that.  There is nothing left unsaid on my part, and I don’t think he will ever acknowledge the cheating.  He has said sorry many times, but he says he is sorry for not taking care of the relationship and for not being the man I needed him to be.

“Don’t waste your time with explanations: people only hear what they want to hear.” 
― Paulo Coelho

If I let my 3 allies work for me and I diligently watch where I focus my energy and time, the truth will come out.  And the important thing is I know the truth and in the end it doesn’t matter.  I still believe he did me a favor.  I am better for the experience.  I am better for the pain!

“As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation — either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.” 
― Martin Luther King Jr.

You know what I find absolutely incredible and the most beautiful thing about me, and I thank God daily about it, is the fact that I may get angry, sad, and a host of other feelings but never at any moment I wish him bad. I wish him happiness.  I just don’t want to see it.