It’s not you, it’s me!

30 Saturday Jan 2016

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MF and I bonded over our love of Seinfeld.  Unfortunately in breaking up I will have to use the “It’s not you, it’s me” routine.  He will react as surprised as Seinfeld, as it seems all is going well.  And it is, because I have been willing to ignore the lack of passion and certain nagging feelings.

I realized that I have been trying to convince myself that he can be the one.  I have been forcing it and trying to make it work.  Love cannot be forced.  Chemistry cannot be created and it doesn’t magically appear.  It is either there or not there.

I took the day off from work yesterday and went skiing with him.  We had a great time… as friends on a day out.  Romantically something was missing.  Something has been missing from day one.

We just don’t match in the romance and intimacy department.  I thought he was just shy and nervous in the beginning and that things would improve.  They did improve but not enough.  We are just different and expect different things.

He is a great friend and a great company. He is kind and considerate. He is up for anything I want to do or try.  I am going to miss the company and I hate to hurt him but leading him on is not fair.

I will be back to having to do things alone, but I much rather that than to feel I am using someone.  What I am going to miss most is the nightly phone call where I get to go on and on about stupid stuff and he so patiently listens.

Besides the lack of romance, there is this nagging feeling that something else is not right.  I have a feeling that there is something I don’t know.  He has been very open with me, but still there is this feeling that I cannot shake it.

It may sound silly but I am not willing to ignore this unsettling feeling.  I am also not willing to settle for a relationship without passion, without sex.  If this relationship, that is barely 3 months old is already this passionless, I cannot imagine it 6 months down the road.

“A great fire burns within me, but no one stops to warm themselves at it, and passers-by only see a wisp of smoke” – Vincent van Gogh

We don’t see each other often and when we do we already act like we have been married for 20 years.  I want a man that cannot wait to see me and take me in his arms, as in my past relationships.

I have already talked about that with him a month ago.  I mentioned my needs and wants.  He asked me to be patient and to give us a chance.  I feel I did.  To keep going when I know something is lacking will make me feel like I am using him.

He is a great guy, hard-working, honest, great father, and many other great qualities.  Many women will love to be with him, but he is not the one for me. I tried to make it work, but it has gotten to the point that I settled for passionless.  I also now find fault with a lot things he does.  I am now like a dictator telling him exactly what he needs to do.  I don’t like that feeling.  I am becoming a critical nag.

I hope he understands my feelings and that he can still be my friend, as I love talking and spending time with him.  He mentioned in the beginning that we would always be friends, so we shall see.

I also feel that if I stay with somebody that is great but not the one, I am not leaving room in my life for the right person to arrive.  I am also impeding the other person from finding their true match.

I want everything or nothing at all.  I want a friend and a lover.  I don’t think I should have to choose.  Better alone than with the wrong person.

Now back to singlehood!

 

“I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
Like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.”
― Pablo Neruda

Learning from the KC Chiefs’ loss

22 Friday Jan 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”  – Winston S. Churchill

I am a Kansas City Chiefs fan.  How come a Brazilian New Yorker is a KC Chiefs’ fan?  I will explain: The ex boyfriend was a hardcore Chiefs’ fan.   I learned the rules of American football by not missing any games while the relationship lasted.  I even spent one week in River Falls, WI to go to the Chiefs training camp.  I also love an underdog and they certainly fit that category.

After the breakup I regretfully threw out or gave away everything that had to do with Chiefs. I incorrectly thought that  now that I don’t have the boyfriend I had to also relinquish the team, along with the house and the dog.  Later I realized that I didn’t have to lose the team because I lost the boyfriend.  Last year the Chiefs hired  Cairo Santos, a Brazilian player as a kicker.  They are the first NFL team to hire a Brazilian player.  I saw that as a sign that the Chiefs were meant to be my team.

“The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.”  – Tom Bodett

This season after losing 5 straight games they go on to win 11 straight and were in the Super bowl playoffs.  I was excited, happy and hopeful.  Then they met the reigning champions, the Patriots. The Chiefs stumbled and fell.  The score ended at 20 to 27.  It was a winnable game.  There were chances.  What happened?

There is no precise answer, no one knows;  but I realized that their loss could teach me a few things:

  • Take advantage of momentum. Momentum was on their side.  Sometimes things are going our way and instead of keep going we stop as we get very close to the goal.  We tire, we get lazy, we lose faith and we end up missing the moment.  When things are going your way, be grateful and keep going, work even harder and don’t stop until achieving your goal.
  • Believe in yourself and in your achievements. I felt the Chiefs felt they were already lucky enough to get as far as they got after a dismal start.  Do you ever feel like a fake?  Sometimes I do.  Especially when I get praises from people.  Sometimes I doubt if I deserve all the praise and all the blessings I have.  When we have that attitude, when we start thinking that whatever we have is because of luck and not our hard work then we become powerless.   Luck can give out at any second.  Take ownership of your hard work.  Praise yourself. Recognize how hard you have worked to be where you are.  Be willing to work even harder to get farther.  Believe that God rewards the ones willing to put in the work.
  • Take advantage of opportunities.  The Chiefs had plenty of chances to turn the game around, but somehow it didn’t happened. Will they have another chance?  I hope so, but who knows.   How many times do you look back and realize that you have missed opportunities.  Looking back you realize you were so close and yet you gave up.  Hindsight is 20/20 but my point here is the need to make sure that we become more aware of present and future opportunities.  Some opportunities won’t knock twice; when it knocks try to grab it before it is too late.
  • Don’t defeat yourself before you even begin. I think the Chiefs never believed they could win against the Patriots.  How many times have you given up on something before even trying? We often think something is too hard and we are not good enough.  And at those times that we decide to try anyway we don’t give our all because we don’t believe our all will be good enough, so we go in half-hearted.  When you decide to do something give it 100%. Belief in yourself, do not sabotage yourself with self doubt.  Believe that you can be victorious.  Visualize yourself being victorious.

“Not all dreamers are winners, but all winners are dreamers. Your dream is the key to your future. The Bible says that, “without a vision (dream), a people perish.” You need a dream, if you’re going to succeed in anything you do.” – Mark Gorman

  • Don’t accept less than what you deserve. The Chiefs had a great season and were very happy to get to the payoffs, but getting close is not good enough. Coming in second is not good enough.  Aim high, aim for the top and don’t settle for less than the stars.  What do you think are you deserving of? In life you will get what you work hard for and you will get what you think you deserve.  The Universe is conspiring to get you what you want, aim high and don’t settle for less.
  • Don’t let obstacles paralyze you. The Chiefs knew the Patriots were a superior team.  The Patriots were, after all, the reigning champs.  The Patriots got into their head.  Don’t let hardships, obstacles and curve balls stop you on your way to getting what you want.  When we start thinking that the opponent/ goal is too far, too great, too hard, and too unattainable then we already lost.   Don’t let the size of the goal defeat you.  Have courage and trust your abilities!
  • Don’t stop trying. Don’t stop fighting.  The Chiefs had been giving their all up to the playoffs. Even while missing key players they had been able to win against stronger teams.  Did they think it was already in the bag? Was it a case of over-confidence?  Don’t slow down assuming something is already yours.  Dream but make sure you act to make that dream come true.  Nothing substitute hard work!

“Not to give up under any circumstances should be the motto of our life: we shall try again and again, and we are bound to succeed. There will be obstacles, but we have to defy them. So do not give up, do not give up! Continue, continue! The goal is ahead of you. If you do not give up, you are bound to reach your destined goal.” – Sri Chinmoy

Problems, Rainy Vermont and Shy boyfriend

15 Friday Jan 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” -Rumi

I am special, but not unique.  Everyone has problems, big and small.  What makes the difference is how we choose to handle them.

My plate is still full of problems and headaches at work and at home, but I am back to wearing my rose-colored glasses, so all is changed.  An adjustment in attitude and perception changes everything. I am taking ownership of my problems, instead of letting them own me.  I am actually enjoying them for the immense opportunity they offer.  I am relishing in the knowledge that they will not last forever.  This too shall pass!

I am also battling a bad cold this week that has left me achy and unfocused.  For a second I felt overwhelmed and like a victim.  It seemed everything was happening at once.  Why can’t problems and illnesses call in advance and make an appointment? I could just say : No, this week I have a cold scheduled, come the following week.  🙂

Now for the good stuff:  My boyfriend took me skiing in Vermont last weekend.   He knew I was dying to go skiing so he made it happen.  Too bad he couldn’t do anything about the weather.  We had to take our skiing lessons in the rain.  It was awesome anyway.

While in Vermont we also went to see comedian Jim Breuer.   He was great, but so loud (am I getting old?).  The comedian that opened for him, Chris Monty, was hilarious.  It was great to spend a weekend of laughter and adventure, and forget about problems.  Well, a tenant called complaining about water issues in the middle of Sunday, but I was able to make some calls and then get back to the fun.  Anytime issues came to mind I would get into the gratitude mode and just chant: thank you, over and over again.  It works!

MF, the boyfriend, is so sweet.  He is trying hard to make me happy and make this relationship works.  Still cautious and  unsure,  I proceed taking one day at a time.

There was a moment in Vermont when I made him uncomfortable.  We were in a pub after the comedy show and I decided to have, not one, but 2 cosmopolitans.  I will normally have a glass of wine or a cocktail when out socially, 2 max.   I never got drunk and don’t want to start now.  I am a control freak so the idea of being drunk terrifies me.  Still one glass is enough to make me even friendlier and happier.

There weren’t that many people in the pub and at one point I hugged and kissed him.  He called it making out; I thought it was just flirtatious behavior.  I don’t think it was bad, I know how to behave.  He is very shy, I am very not.  He had mentioned he had no problems with PDA so I was a little taken aback by his discomfort.  He doesn’t want to make a big deal of this difference and says he will be able to adjust.  First, I wonder if someone can really change and second, I wonder if I want someone to change for me…

“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” – Lemony Snicket

 

Remembering to breathe and be grateful above all things!

06 Wednesday Jan 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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On the way to NC a stop at VA

On the way to NC a stop at VA

So much to write, so little time and inclination… please forgive me, and on that note:

I am sorry!  Please forgive me!  I love you!  Thank you!  In 2016 I am going for soul cleaning and more forgiveness (Ho’oponopono)

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.”  – Ralph Waldo Emerson

The boyfriend and I survived the road trip.  It took 12 hours to get to North Carolina and 10 hours to return to New York.  On the way there I found out that the house we were staying at also contained 2 snakes.  I went crazy.  I was mad.  I cried.  I told him that I would never have agreed to come on this trip had I known this before.   I thought it was very insensitive of him to forget that my number 1 fear is snakes and also that his friend had them.  He suggested we stay in a hotel but at point I decided that as long as the snakes stayed in a locked room I would try to make it.  I am glad to tell you I did it. It is behind us now, but next time I am choosing to stay in a hotel, not only because of the snakes but for various reasons.

I am trying to take this relationship, and life, one day at a time, but I keep predicting doom (I tell him that).  At the moment my problem is with his social awkwardness.  He gets nervous and the third grade jokes appear and it annoys me immensely (and I tell him that).  For now he still finds my brutal honesty charming, but I don’t think that feeling will last.

He took me out on New Years Eve and I was so moody I could barely stand myself.  I feel my hormones are out of control.  I warned him about PMS.  But it seems every day is PMS lately. Or am I just testing him?  How much can he put up with?  Does he like me enough?  Do I like me enough?

“I promise you nothing is as chaotic as it seems. Nothing is worth diminishing your health. Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety, and fear.”  – Steve Maraboli

At work things are stressful.  The infamous audit is still not over and on top of that I have another regular scheduled unaudited audit that I need to complete by the end of the month.  It also seems we will have to fire a couple of people that are not producing.  Even though they should know it is coming I still feel bad.

I am also having issues with my 2 rental apartments.  I never planned on being a landlord.  I don’t have time to deal with any issues.  I was holding on to them to wait for the right time to sell, but I think the right time maybe now.  My other aim for 2016 is to lead a simpler and more minimal life, so shedding excess baggage and drama is at the forefront.

At times it has been hard staying positive.   I don’t do uncertainty well.  This control freak here likes to know where everything stands at all times.  I am constantly failing at “letting go and letting God”.

I actually had to sit myself down and have a hard talk.  I had to look to the past for reminders of my forever faith and positivity.  I had to remind myself of how far I have come and how I have dealt with tough situations in the past.

I also had to remind myself that:

  • God has a plan, just trust in it. Trust that He gives you only what you can handle.
  • There are no problems, only opportunities for learning and growing.
  • Stop reacting and over-reacting. Something happens, pause and reflect before interfering and creating chaos.  Sometimes it is best to let nature take its course without interference.  I don’t have to face everything head-on and immediately.
  • It is not what happens to me, it is how I react (or over-react) to it. Welcome problems as blessings.  Be grateful for their arrival and learn from them.
  • How truly blessed I am. I have an amazing family, great job (even if stressful), comfortable home, cool friends, someone willing to put up with my moods, and most important I have life and opportunities.
  • I need to love, respect and give myself a break. I want to be perfect; I want to be productive at all times.  I expect great results.  Anything less feels like a failure.  Being this hard on myself is only leading towards a mental and physical breakdown.

The list of things I need to remind myself of goes on and on.  But for now when in doubt Accept, Forgive and Be Grateful!

“ Pain is inevitable,suffering is optional”. – Dalai Lama XIV

 

Let’s do Different!

26 Saturday Dec 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.” – Seneca

Thank you everyone for another year of putting up with my blog.  Thank you for taking time to read, for finding inspiration to comment and for the kindness in giving me advice and support.  You mean a lot, I owe you a lot! Sending huge tight grateful hugs to all!

Yesterday I went to the 5 o’clock mass.  I am very spiritual and not religious but I have been going to mass some Sundays and I wanted to go to one on Christmas Eve.  I am so blessed, I have so much to be thankful for, and going to mass has been my way of taking a separate time to thank God for all my blessings.

My boyfriend… wow it is weird to say I have a boyfriend.  After 4 years of going on endless one dates and having one disappointment after another I am trying to get used to the idea of having someone that cares about me and is not afraid to tell me often.

MF (the boyfriend) is everything I need that I didn’t know I needed.  He gives me comfort, patience, understanding.  He is totally non-judgmental and finds my brutal honesty refreshing.  I feel completely accepted!

We are leaving tomorrow on a 10 hour drive from New York to North Carolina.  We are going to spend a couple of days at his best friend’s house.  For some reason I am not concerned about this at all.  My only concern was the idea of showing up at somebody’s house empty handed, so I solved that by buying this huge Godiva Chocolate basket.  Who doesn’t like chocolate?

This week I had some realizations:

  • This relationship feels different.  It feels easy and permanent. (Even though  it will not be easy.  I know it will take work to put all the pieces together… we both have busy lives. We live 1 hour away. His 8 year old son has severe ADHD and needs more attention than most kids).  Do I like him enough to put in the work necessary?
  • I think that my brutal honesty may sometimes be too much.  I think that I may be testing him by all I say and the questions I ask. Perhaps I want to see how far I can push him.  Am I trying to push him out of the door?
  • I realized that I feel guilty anytime I eat something deemed not healthy, like sugar and carbs, and that is very much very often. Here is a new idea: Not seeing food as good or bad.  Just eat and enjoy it!
  • I realized that instead of losing the famous 10 pounds to proudly disrobe in front of the boyfriend, I am instead gaining 10 pounds and more. Is this another way of sabotaging this and/or testing him?  Since I feel he accepts me completely perhaps I am looking for proof.

Perhaps I need to stop thinking too much.  I need to get out of my head sometimes. I need to change.  And on that note I want to talk about 2016.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”  – Gautama Buddha

In a way I am glad to see 2015 coming to an end.  It was a turbulent year.  Every new year holds so much promise.  It is up to me to make 2016 the best year ever.  I plan on making it amazing since it will be the year I am turning 50. ARGHHHH just so NOT happy about turning 50!!

I want to do 2016 is different! I want to be nice to myself in 2016!

What about if we (you and I) did everything different?  I want to stop using the same old excuses.  I want to stop hiding behind this excess weight, that no one is really paying any attention to, and it is bothering only me.  I want to forget about my past failures and continue trying.  Because the old boyfriend cheated, it doesn’t mean that this one will.  Because I had to give up all exercise for one year because of a hip injury it doesn’t mean that I cannot ever be completely healthy again.

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” – Albert Einstein

I want to take more chances.  I want to stop pressuring myself to be perfect and to accomplish so many things at once. All that this pressure has done is to leave me feeling like a failure.  I have done a lot and accomplished a lot and yet when I look back I see missed opportunities and areas where I could have done so much better.

I am not being fair to myself.  I want to be nice to myself.  I want to relax and enjoy the journey.  I know it is a cliche but I am so results driven that I need to have “Enjoy the journey” tattooed on my arm so I can be reminded every single moment.  If I am not getting results I think I am failing and that is not the point of life at all.  I know better.

How are you going to show up in 2016 and take ownership of your life? Are you going to stop letting others, media, internet, tv, friends and enemies dictate what you do and how do you feel about yourself? What is that one thing that scares you the most?  Just go ahead and do it!

Next time I see the boyfriend,well, tomorrow,  I think I will just take my clothes off and say: “This is it, take it or leave it!”  (stay tuned, I will let you know how that turns out…)

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” – Leo Tolstoy

 

Kissing and Telling

17 Thursday Dec 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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 “Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of ‘not knowing.” – Mark Z. Danielewski

Life is flying by while I try to hang on and get things done…in the meantime my blog suffers in silence, and for that I am sorry and will try to be much better in 2016.

Audit at work:  Still not finished.  It is a struggle for me to live with unfinished things such as this.  I like to know when things will end, and how will they end.  How audits on a company of 15 people take 4 months is beyond me.  Government at its best!

Family: It is hard being far from my family at this moment.  Mom and dad aren’t young anymore and right now they have a lot of health issues.  I am learning to live with the fact that things will probably get even harder.  I am learning to accept the natural progression of life.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”  – Lao Tzu

Christmas Spirit: I have never really been a Christmas person.  I normally don’t fly to Brazil to be with my family around the holidays.  I either spend it with friends or alone.  And just between us, I often favor being alone, making some nice comfort food and watching a fun movie.

Now for the kissing and telling:

It turns out that the kissing improved… a lot!  I realized that he was just so nervous around me on the first 2 dates.  I also realized that finding fault with his kiss is my way of finding something wrong and therefore an excuse to run away.

I decided to make more of an en effort.  I decided to be less critical and more open.  I am trying not to sabotage this relationship.  I am trying to let things be and go and flow as they will.  Still at times I catch myself testing him, trying to push him away.  It feels like I could say or do anything and he will still be here, it is such a wonderful freeing feeling.

This relationship is extremely new, just a month old and yet it feels like forever.  We have only seen each other a handful of times.  We continue to speak for a couple of hours every night.  Our conversations range from events of the day to childhood memories.  I find myself telling him stupid stories that I have never told anyone.  It is so easy to talk to him.  He makes everything seem easy.

We are very similar on our morals, wants, needs and dreams, but still we are extremely different on so much more.  He is shy, I am out there.  He is gentle, I am aggressive.  He is Pisces, I am Aries.  He is Monkey, I am Horse.  My brutal honesty and in your face approach doesn’t scare him.  He says he is up to the challenge.  I wonder if he knows what he is in for.  I wonder if the novelty will wear off.

He is thoughtful and remembers things I tell him.  Like when I said that my favorite flowers were daisies and sunflowers and he shows up with them.

I have already met his 8 year old son.  It was a short meeting and it went well.  I also already met his co-workers.  I went to his work Holiday dinner, it was fun and everyone was welcoming.  At the end of the December I am going to North Carolina to meet his best friend.  Perhaps it is all a bit too fast, but I figure that knowing the important people in his life will give me a better idea of who he is.

It feels wonderful to have someone that cares and is not afraid to say it and show it.  It is refreshing to meet someone that is not into all the dating games people play.  He says what he means and means what he says.

I feel I found that rare combination of friend and lover all in one.  The possibilities seem limitless.  My heart is constantly singing.

He had just started online dating when I met him.  I had given up, contacting him was my last act before taking down my profile.  When he replied and we clicked it felt nothing short of a miracle.  At times I feel he hasn’t been out there enough.  His divorce was final in March and he was separated a year before that.  When I tell him that he should do some more dating to figure out what he wants, he tells me that he has already found what he wants and doesn’t need to do any more searching.  I shut up and smile.

“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow – this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

 

 

It is in his kiss, or is it?

01 Tuesday Dec 2015

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The doctor is history! He is still around and will call/text every now and then, but when over a month goes by and I am not asked on a date no one needs to draw me a picture – he is just not that interested. It is perfectly fine. I always felt I appreciated more the conversations than anything else. I am hoping that we can still be friends, but I am tired of being the one to make the first move always, so this friendship may die a quiet slow death as I decided not get in touch anymore.  I knew that I could never have anything long-lasting with someone that thinks that sugar is the devil. Sugar is not friend but it doesn’t have to be the enemy either! 🙂

As I mentioned previously I decided to quit online dating for awhile. It was becoming like work and not fun anymore, so I figure a break was in order. On the final days of my e-Harmony subscription I decided to email MF. I never contact anyone, I always wait for them to contact me, but since I was quitting anyway I figure I would take this leap and contact him. MF is 47 but looks extremely young for his age. He did show me his driver’s license so I confirmed his age.

He replied and we hit of immediately. For over 2 weeks we spoke daily on the phone for many hours (we still do). Some evenings we spoke for as long as 3 hours. We bonded over Seinfeld and our gratitude for life, among other things. The longer we talked and as the days went the expectation was building up. Finally last Thursday we met in person.  The chemistry we had on the phone was also there in person.  He was every bit the sweet gentleman I expected.  We were immediately comfortable with one another. He was a bit nervous and it was cute to see that.

On Saturday we had another date. We went to a Brazilian Steakhouse and we both overate. It is impossible to go to one of those and not overeat. Afterwards, it was still early, so he asked me what I wanted to do. I decided that we should just return to my apartment and watch a movie. I trust him.  He actually he came over the first night I met him. Please keep in mind that I do not advise anyone inviting anyone over after just one meeting, but in this case I felt very safe and comfortable in doing that.  I knew nothing was going to happen.

We got to my apartment and I put a movie on Netflix.  After after about 20 minutes  I fell asleep. He was left to watch the movie by himself.  When the movie ended he woke me up to say good bye and close the door.

He mentioned to me yesterday that he doesn’t quite know what to make of my falling asleep on the date. He said he is looking at the positive side that I am very comfortable with him, instead of thinking he is so boring he put me to sleep.

I am not over thinking that one. I am sure worst things have happened on first dates.  It was a heavy dinner and I had a cocktail.  I also was tired from all our late nights on the phone.

What I am right now is extremely confused. On one hand I found someone exactly as I have been asking God to send me. He is gentle, caring, responsible, and honest. He is interested, willing and able. He wants to travel and do things. He is not too young or too old.

On the other hand I am not sure what I want. He is everything I thought I wanted and now he is here and I just don’t know.  I know I am extremely comfortable and happy with my single life, but I think life is better as a couple.  I keep dreaming of finding a partner and now he is here.  Is he the one?

He seems to like me a bit too much. It seems that I could do no wrong in his eyes. No one wants what is too easy, too simple, too available.  Do I want only who doesn’t want me? Is that a self defense mechanism?

He is so much like me. He is open and forthcoming with everything. He has no problems talking about his feelings, needs and wants. He has no problems divulging everything about his life. I have met my match and now what?

I have been honest with him and told him how I feel and, not surprisingly, he was extremely understanding. He said we should take it easy and take a day at a time and if friendship is all that I want he will be happy to have that as he thinks I am a real cool person.

So, what is my issue? Fear? I fear using him, hurting him. I fear settling.  I guess I am not as fearless as I thought.

Also, and perhaps this is the real crux of the matter: I didn’t care for his kiss.  I have not been honest with him about that.  He didn’t ask, so I didn’t volunteer.  How can you tell someone that their kiss is not what you expected and hoped for it?

I am not saying he doesn’t know how to kiss. He just doesn’t know enough to my liking. It felt hurried, and too much, but not in a good way. It seemed he was trying too hard, not natural. Should I hurt his feelings and tell him that? Men have such fragile egos. He is extremely nice and kind and the last thing I want to do is hurt him or offend him. But kissing is extremely important to me.  I cannot imagine being with someone that I don’t care to kiss.

These are the questions I have:

  • Is there a way that I can gently tell him that his kissing is sub-par?
  • Can I teach him how to kiss? Can I do it without offending him?
  • Can the kissing get better? Can you turn a bad kiss into a bad kisser into a good kisser?
  • Was he just nervous?
  • Does he think that that was a good kiss?
  • What about me? I think I am such a great kisser, but what if I am not? How does one know?
  • If this is how he kisses, how will the rest be? Do I even want to find out?
  • Is bad kissing a reason to break up with someone?

Perhaps finding an issue with his kiss is my way of finding a reason to break up with him, and continue to be single and free?

“I have found men who didn’t know how to kiss. I’ve always found time to teach them.” ― Mae West

I won! wait, is this really a win?

19 Thursday Nov 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“How would your life be different if…You stopped validating your victim mentality? Let today be the day…You shake off your self-defeating drama and embrace your innate ability to recover and achieve.” – Steve Maraboli

I am sitting in court waiting for my Small Claims case to be heard.

I am shaking, trembling; I can barely keep my hand steady enough to write. My heart is beating out of my chest. I feel vulnerable and powerless. This is not the way it is supposed to be! I should feel empowered; after all I am on the right side of the law. Instead I want to run away and hide in the safety of my bed.

This is not my first time in a court of law, but it is my first time suing someone. See here why I decided to take that step.  http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2015/05/29/i-have-been-scammed-and-it-sucks/

I have been in court many times. At one point in my life I was a Portuguese interpreter. I would go to courts mostly representing defendants on criminal cases. Later on I worked at the collections department of a bank. I would go to court and represent the bank on bankrupt accounts. I have been to Labor court representing my current company. I have been a juror.

Still I don’t think I will ever get used to being in a courtroom. There is something about being in a courtroom that makes me feel extremely vulnerable. Yet I love TV shows regarding courtroom dramas and I think of being an attorney in my next life.

It is 2 o’clock and names are being called. If both the plaintiff and the defendant are present then they get sent to a conference room with a mediator. The judge will hear only cases where a settle cannot be reached.

The person I am suing is not here, so I have to sit and wait another hour. At 3 pm they make the last call.

This time if the plaintiff (the person complaining and initiating the lawsuit) is not here the case gets dismissed right away. A case where the defendant doesn’t show up goes to inquest.

My case went to inquest as Mr. Repairman Scam Artist never showed up. If a case goes to inquest one no longer needs to prove liability, only damages. So I proved my $360.00 damage and have been awarded the judgment.

What happens next? Nothing! I will never see a dime. What really happens next is that the courts will send me the judgment letter in the mail. Then it is up to find out if he has any assets and then go after them. Perhaps if it was a larger amount and if he had any real assets I would go to the trouble, but not in this case.

I knew this would be the end result. Still I went through with it. I wanted to step out of my comfort zone, to stand up for my rights and to stop feeling victimized.  I normally let things go and just end up feeling victimized by unscrupulous service people that take advantage of the unsuspecting and the too trusting (in this case this very naive female).

I will report him to the Better Business Bureau and update some online review sites. I am not intent on revenge, as I hate that word, but if I can warn at least one person I will be happy.

Will he ever learn and change his ways? who knows? I feel I did my part, and I know that karma will eventually catch up to him.

I would have liked better if he had showed up and were made to answer for his actions, but at the end of the day I am glad I stood up for what I believed was right. I feel empowered by it.

I had people tell me that I was being vengeful.  I had people tell me not to waste my time.  Everyone had an opinion.  I am glad I did what felt right to me.  No regrets!

“Do what you think is right. Don’t let people make the decision of right or wrong for you.” – Steve Maraboli

Making better use of the NOW!

11 Wednesday Nov 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” ―Eleanor Roosevelt

The past has been very much in my mind lately. Everything about the past, past mistakes, past lessons, past opportunities, past hurts, but mostly past friends and boyfriends.

Every time someone pops into my mind I go off surfing the net looking for every little morsel of detail about them.   Lately I have developed this habit of checking on certain people every single day.  This  list of people include ex and other romantic interests.

I am not proud of that!  I am embarrassed of the amount of time I am spending looking at the social media pages of people that do not add anything to my life.

What is up with this curiosity for people that are no longer in my life?  It is not as if I want them back in my life.  I am happy they are in the past.  Why should I care what have they been doing lately and with whom?  Everyone has stayed in the past for a reason, and that is where they should remain.

This insane curiosity has become a very damaging addiction.  Yes it is an addiction!  If you compulsively find yourself typing the same name in Google Search day in and day out then you are an addict.

Any time I revisit the past I bring about all the past hurt and betrayal.  I start second guessing myself.  Feelings come rushing back.  I remember happy moments too, but those are equally damaging as they are gone, not to come back.  Happy moments make me think of what could have been and never was , or was just briefly.

Any time I am focused on the past it is time that would be better spent focusing on my future.  Having my mind and heart populated with the past leaves no room for the present and future.  How can I let good and good people in when my mind is crowded with garbage?

Why do I keep inviting the past back in?

They say one shouldn’t burn bridges in case one needs to go back.  In the case of past loves or past love interests, I think one needs to completely implode the bridge and all traces of it.  Going back to certain situations and certain people should never be an option.  Sometimes leaving a bridge up is just this constant reminder that we would like to go back but our return is not wanted.

It is a matter of faith!  If I really have faith and believe that God has a plan for me and that only good things are waiting for me in my future then I have no business in going back to the past.  Flirting with the past is flirting with disaster.  I realize I haven’t been acting like a person that truly believes in the beauty of her future.

I want to dive into the future head on!  I am making changes.

I now only allow myself to check somebody’s social media if that action is adding to my life and my plans and if I intend that person to be part of my future.

I came up with a list of things that I could be doing online instead of wasting time with other people’s lives (and that goes for Celebrity gossip sites and Instagram of people I know and don’t know).

I can:

  • Read about current events
  • Take an online class
  • Learn a new language
  • Improve my geography and history knowledge
  • Improve my vocabulary
  • Write more posts, improve my blog, read other blogs
  • Create Budgets, work on my finance
  • Write clear goals and plans to attain them
  • Write letters to the people I love and want to be in touch
  • Learn more about the industry I work in
  • Organize all my picture files
  • Clean up and organize my computer files and emails

In cleaning up my mind from the past to leave room for the future, I realized that there are some people in my present that should be a part of my past.  They take space in my present, they occupy my now, and they distract me from what I should be doing.  I am taking steps to correct that.  I completely ignored this one guy that texts whenever he has time and never asks me out (for once I don’t mind appearing rude).  I asked another not to contact me (I confess I didn’t have the heart to say “Don’t ever contact me again”, so I just said: “I need some space, don’t contact me, I will contact you).  This last one has been extremely difficult as there was some history there.

In the end I am not saying completely forget the past and everyone in it.  What I am saying is that for me I have to learn the lesson and move on.  I have to choose who I keep near and dear and who I choose to set free. I have to be selfish!

 “The future depends on what you do today.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

If the past knocks, don’t answer!

30 Friday Oct 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. Solid flesh can never live up to the bright shadow cast by its absence. Time and distance blur the edges; then suddenly the beloved has arrived, and it’s noon with its merciless light, and every spot and pore and wrinkle and bristle stands clear.” ―  Margaret Atwood

Every now and then a ghost from the past returns.  As abruptly as they leave they appear, sometimes weeks, months, sometimes even years after.

These are people that I never really had a relationship with but that I had thought, with all my heart, that there was the potential and therefore I invested my all.   Sometimes the possibility of a dream coming true is more powerful than the dream itself.

When they come knocking again what do I do? I, ever the optimistic one, welcome them with open arms. I call myself optimistic but perhaps the right word here is naïve.

I want to be open and have an open mind.  I want to see and believe the best in people. I want to have an open door policy in my life. Come and go as you please. Stay if you want. Go if you must. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt, I want to give second and third chances.

But is that fair to my heart?

 “An open mind is better than a clenched fist.” ― Matshona Dhliwayo

It is hard for me to let people in, but when I do I am true, I am vulnerable, I share dreams, I share fantasies. I am 100% there and I hope for the same.  I see people as unique and at that moment I make them the center of the universe. They get my attention, my energy, my heart and my soul.

When they leave they take some of me with them.  I am shattered, broken, questioning everything.  There are tears, there are late nights crying, there is too much sugar eating.  Then the magic of life happens, I pick myself up, I dust off, I move on and re-emerge better than before.

“Do not allow me to forget you” – Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Some, when they leave, don’t even bother saying good bye. They just go silent, leaving you to wonder if they are even alive. I don’t know if they are just taking long to reply or they are gone.  Then the silence just keeps getting bigger and bigger and it hits you on the face: They are gone!  I find that disappearing act extremely cold-hearted and coward. Man up and say good bye!

When they return it seems all will fall into place.  I see the potential returning right along with them.  Dreams and fantasies come flooding back and I start thinking “what if”.  I see the confirmation that I was right all along: We are meant to be together.  All of a sudden the world makes sense again.

“The past beats inside me like a second heart.” – John Banville

When they return my heart sings…perhaps they changed his mind and see the incredible potential here…perhaps their fears and doubts are gone… perhaps…I let my imagination fly and spirit soar.

When they come back I am hoping they came back for the potential, for the fragility, for the beauty, for the pureness of the feelings I had and yes, for the passion, fun and attraction that laces all my relationships. When they come back I am thinking forever.

Forever never lasts. Almost immediately; it never fails, they show me exactly why they were in the past and why they should remain there.  I am lucky that it doesn’t take long for their true colors/motives to be revealed.  They mess up, they make assumptions, and they are themselves all over again.  Most often they are just horny looking for a fix, or the potential of it.  Sorry, but you are knocking on the wrong door.  You didn’t get to experience that before, what makes you think you will get it now?

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

I am starting to think that I need to be open but not foolish.  I need to be open to life but guarded to people. This revolving door needs to have a lock and key.

When I let somebody back in I realize I am attempting to rewrite the past.  What a foolish proposition!  Why do I want to go back to old mistakes, old lessons?  I am all about making new mistakes and learning new lessons.

Nothing has really changed in whatever issues were there in the past, they will still be there.  The fears, the insecurities, the doubts, they are still thriving.  There is nothing I can do to convince someone of the potential in something if they don’t want to be convinced.

When they return they will find that I have remained the same, in my conviction and beliefs; and still I have changed a lot. I am more mature, more weathered, more beat up, more heart.  Whatever I was before it is now amplified.  My honesty is now brutal; my barely-there patience is now non-existent.  And still I am calmer, more flexible, more understanding.  I am this constant duality, yes and no, good and bad. I am willing to welcome you and willing to throw you away.

“The past can’t hurt you anymore, not unless you let it.” –  Alan Moore

If you are intending to be a ghost from the past and knock on somebody’s door again, please rethink your motives. Are you willing to compromise? Will the issues from the past still be there? Have you changed or are you just counting on the other person having changed?  Are you just horny and looking for a little attention and inspiration?

Whatever you do don’t expect to pick up things where you left them off.   If it is worth returning to, it is worth putting in the work and starting from the beginning.  You will have to get to know me all over again. You will have be interested in all.

 “Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” – Steve Maraboli

How dare you show up like nothing ever happened and disrupt my mind and heart? Most importantly, how dare I allow you to do it?

I am writing this because I am angry and hurt with someone that did just that.  I feel I have been toyed with, yet again, by somebody that was just horny and had no serious interest in pursuing a relationship.  I was here, quietly minding my own business, why play with my mind and heart again?

You come disguised as hope and opportunity.  You come disguised as future. Perhaps you don’t know that.  Perhaps you never realized how important you were to me, even though I have told you 100 times.  Perhaps you never listened.  Not only you are just words on the screen, but you are all the wrong words!!   I am giving you the benefit of the doubt, may be you are just clueless!

Now I have to forget you all over again.  Perhaps it will be easier the second time around! Perhaps it will never happen.  Memories fades, but the heart never forgets!

You do not deserve something that you don’t think that you have to work for! There are no rewards for the ones wanting to take a shortcut.  If you don’t want to put in the time and energy to get to know me, my interests, my wants, then you are not deserving of me.  If you think I am this amazing sexual, fun being, you are right! I am that, and so much more! But you will never know!

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” ― Thich Nhat Hanh