Friends and dates and a kiss at the end.

02 Saturday Dec 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , ,

“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.” – Mark Twain

On Saturday I met my doctor friend for brunch. As I mentioned before we dated a few times 2 years ago and then things fizzled.  Still every now and then we would talk or text.

After being too busy to meet the last few times he asked we met for brunch 2 weeks ago and it was fun.  After one week he called and invited me to brunch again.

We went to the restaurant we always go to. In the past we tried different ones only to decide that this is our favorite.  It was a Saturday and the place was quieter then on Sundays.

We were there from 12 to 4 pm. We drank a divine prosecco and talked about life. We challenge each other to think deeper and look further.  We talk about everything, self-improvement, family, fears, wants, ego, karma, etc.

At one point he put his hand on my leg near my knee. He asked if I was okay with that.  It may seem funny or weird, but I was okay with that.  I knew it would not go anywhere so it presented no danger or awkwardness to me.  I think the prosecco made him do it. I think the prosecco made me say ok.

At one point he was texting. I would normally not say anything to anyone about using their cell phone at the table, even if it bothered me but since we are always talking about being present and in the moment, I said:

Don’t you think you are being rude?

He apologized and said I was right and explained what he was texting about.  He turned his phone off for the rest of the lunch.

I think he and I have an easy friendship that I don’t intend to change into anything else, hand on my leg or not.

***

“There is very little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude.” – W. Clement Stone

On Sunday I met a graphic designer I met on Match. This was our first date.

We both got there 30 minutes early. Him by design, me because I thought the agreed time was 12:00 instead of the actual 12:30.

I had scrambled eggs and a coffee as I was still not able to eat a lot food.

He was handsome, nice, personable and smart. But I didn’t really feel an attraction, a connection.  Our lifestyle and life wants are different.  Don’t get me wrong I appreciate the differences in people but in this case it would frustrate me.

He is very laid back and I feel I would have to be the one in charge of the relationship. I have been the one in charge of relationships in the past and I don’t want to do it again.

I say that not as criticism of him but just to point out why I think we are not a match.

He said he liked me and said he wanted to go on a second date, but hasn’t called yet, which I find it is often the case.  I think he  and most guys, wants me to call them back or say something first. Sadly he will have to wait forever.

****

I have just returned from a date tonight.  He is a 34 year old Jewish accountant.  Yes I said 34!!! I am 51!! So there is a bit of age difference. He is recently divorced with no kids.

Of course I think our age difference is too much for a relationship but I didn’t think there was any harm in meeting for a drink.

We were going to meet at a rooftop bar but it was closed for a private event so we just crossed the street and went to a Cuban restaurant.

M. was fun, personable, and cute in a boyish way.  There were some hints of chemistry.  I had a passion fruit drink and appetizer of beef and fried yucca, and they were delicious.  After it, he walked me to the station.

On the way, suddenly, he stopped and kissed me.  I still have stitches in my gum from my surgery, still I welcomed the surprising gesture.

We will see each other again, if anything to just settle a bet.  We bet $5.00 on the Jet/Chiefs game on Sunday.  I picked the Chiefs.

“Kissing – and I mean like, yummy, smacking kissing – is the most delicious, most beautiful and passionate thing that two people can do, bar none. Better than sex, hands down.” – Drew Barrymore

 

 

I have been called a big hairy hermaphrodite!

28 Tuesday Nov 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

≈ 33 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

“Trust instinct to the end, even though you can give no reason.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Indeed I have! Did I get offended? No! I shook my head at his ignorance. I pity people that think they have to try to offend others to make themselves feel better. I pity people that would use a condition that someone may be born with to insult. I am not offended not because I am not one, but because there is no shame in being one. To me it is like he called me black or gay or immigrant.

I guess I was offended by his ignorance, callousness and rudeness.

Here is what happened:

A guy contacted me on Match.com. He said: “I like what I see, let’s meet or talk on the phone”. I didn’t care for that approach. It rubbed me the wrong way, perhaps because it is generic and lacked thought. Perhaps because he was acting purely on the visual instead of “I like what I read on your profile”, which is normally what I get.

Still, I decided to be open minded and give him the benefit of the doubt. I replied asking for more information as he had only a couple of lines in his profile and only one picture that was not very clear. I explained that there are a lot of fake profiles so I wanted to be cautious and make sure he was a real person.

He replied with his Facebook link. I was able to be a little more assured.
After a couple of back and forth emails, he mentioned meeting at some point in my town. I said: What about tonight? He agreed and asked what time. I said: Any time that works for you.

Normally when I am suspicious of someone I offer to meet right away. Someone with a fake profile will never want to meet. They will either never reply again or they will insist on talking on the phone first.

Also, I rather meet someone right away, nothing beats face to face.  I don’t want to waste time and energy and then meet in person and there is no chemistry.

After almost 2 hours he replied: Let’s talk and he gives me his number.
I replied that I was not interested in talking on the phone and if he didn’t want to meet we could just communicate on the site until ready to meet.

The following exchange ensued verbatim:

He: “I did not say I did not want to meet I wanted to talk on the phone to make the arrangement but since you seem to be so paranoid never mind.”

Me: “Paranoid? Ouch. Perhaps just unfairly assuming. Sorry it didn’t work out. Best wishes!”

He: “You are right more like Delusional Paranoid. You were probably a big hairy hermaphrodite. Lol best wishes to you too.”

Of course I was done.  I am always thinking and hoping for the best in people.  I am always thinking that miscommunication can be cleared up and people can part as friends.

It is sad to me that he chose to go that route. Even if I was wrong by assuming he didn’t want to meet, in no way it required or invited such response.

First, I want to thank my guardian angels for once again stepping up and preventing me from meeting and wasting my time on a mediocre human being.

Second, I look at the lesson in here. The lesson, I believe, is to trust my instincts. From the second he first emailed me I knew that there was something about him that I didn’t like.

And that was another day in my online dating life.  The next post will be about last Saturday and Sunday brunch dates dates.

“Yoga says instinct is a trace of an old experience that has been repeated many times and the impressions have sunk down to the bottom of the mental lake. Although they go down, they aren’t completely erased. Don’t think you ever forget anything. All experiences are stored in the chittam; and, when the proper atmosphere is created, they come to the surface again. When we do something several times it forms a habit. Continue with that habit for a long time, and it becomes your character. Continue with that character and eventually, perhaps in another life, it comes up as instinct. (92)” – Swami Satchidananda

Cultivating gratitude and dating update

24 Friday Nov 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Food

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday with your loved ones. It is always my prayer that everyone has shelter, food and loved ones around (family and/or family).

My gratitude list is immense and growing.  It is a blessing to be alive; everything else is the icing on the cake.  I have food, shelter and loved ones.  Speaking of loved ones, I am a bit disappointed to not be invited anywhere this Thanksgiving, but the truth is I would have probably declined the invitation anyway as I always choose to be alone on holidays.

To me is extremely important to constantly remind myself of all the blessings in my life and to constantly say thank you to everyone. Gratitude is happiness!

I have been having up and down moments due to many issues beyond my control. I know that it is not what happens to me, but how I handle it and react to it that matters.  I know I need to devote more time and energy to meditation and mindfulness, but I still struggle with that.  I see the benefits of it, but still I drag my feet at doing it.

“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorns have roses.” – Alphonse Karr   

Update on last post:

Dentist. On Monday morning at 7:30 am I was sitting at my dentist’s door waiting for him to arrive.  My teeth, and specially my gums,  just didn’t look and feel right.  I knew something was wrong even though he had assured me that all was fine.

After additional x-rays he still could not see anything really wrong. So he decided to open the gum and clean around the implant.  After many shots of anesthesia, he opened the gum in the area and cleaned around the implant.  I left with a bunch of stitches and instructions not to eat on that side for 2 weeks.

It has been 5 days now and still it doesn’t feel completely right.  I had dental surgeries before that were longer and more involved than this one and I remembered being fine in no time and not even taking pain pills after the first day.  This time it is taking longer to feel right.  The gum looks white and weird and I still feel this dull faint pain on that side of my face. Perhaps I am older and weaker to pain. Thankfully I have a return scheduled for Monday morning.  I hope he gives me good news, or at least pacify my fears.

Writer: He asked me out this week on Tuesday or Wednesday but because of my dental issues I had to decline. We have been communicating daily and we will probably meet next week. He seems thoughtful and interested so we all shall see where this will go.

The Korean: He finally replied to my text later that day saying that was having a grouchy Saturday.  Since then we have been texting on and off.  He apologized for being busy with his son being off from school.  I accept someone being busy with family priorities, but it just feels like something else has changed.  And as a result my original interest has waned.

“Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.” – Eckart Tolle

In the meantime some old ghosts from the past have returned.

The Naturopathic doctor.  We have been communicating on and off after having several dates over 2 years ago.  He has asked me out a couple of times since but I was always busy with something so I declined.  Two weeks ago I accepted a Sunday brunch invitation. It was fun catching up.  He is smart and our conversations are always enlightening. I don’t think there is any romance anymore but he has become a good friend.  Last Sunday he contacted me but I was at brunch with the guy I describing next so we scheduled a brunch date tomorrow.  Even though eating on one side of the mouth only is not fun I am still keeping the date.

The International lawyer.  I had a couple of dates with him over a year ago and due to busy schedule on both sides by the time we reconnected again he had a girlfriend.  Now that he broke up with the girlfriend he asked me out to catch up.  I am not proud and I need to eat so I accepted a brunch invitation last Sunday.  It was a lot fun as he is smart and fun. We have been texting and will probably get together again, but just as friends only for me.  I am not sure if he has romance in mind but to me that is gone.

At this moment the only one that I can perhaps see some romance down the line is the writer.

At the end of the day I am sitting here extremely grateful for everything in my life, the good and the bad.  All these dates, all these experiences, all these men, in the end helps me to get to know myself better.  It helps me realize what I need and want in my life.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read, and the care to comment.  Your advice is invaluable, your friendship treasured!

“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.” – Seneca

The writer, the Korean and the dentist

18 Saturday Nov 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Food

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

“Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.” – Plato

The writer.  On Monday night I met a grant writer/novel writer for drinks.  We met at a beer pub.  I had wine since I don’t drink beer.  I like the guy to choose the place for the first date.  He picked a place that was convenient for me to get to from my job and on the way to the train station.  That was very thoughtful, specially since he had to travel 40 minutes to get there.

He was very nice and paid attention to every word I said.  I talked a lot as usual.  Now every now and then he will comment on something I said that day.  When we said good bye at Grand Central we hugged and he asked if we could meet again, I said yes.  It is now Saturday and no plans for a second date have been made.

Maybe I am just the impatient kind but I think if he really wanted to see me again he would have scheduled a second date by now.  Is he waiting for me to say something?

He may have to wait forever because the longer it goes by the more reasons I keep finding on why this relationship wouldn’t work out in the long run.  And maybe he is doing the same.

**

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” – Plato

The Korean.  I am speaking to another guy but we have yet to make plans. His life revolves around a son that is very involved in sports.   He is Korean.  I have never went on a date with an Asian man. He seems extremely smart, so I am intrigued.

I gave him my number.  I don’t always give my number out before meeting someone, but I did to him because he seemed so genuine.  He has been calling me every day, sometimes more than once.  He is supposed to check his schedule and come up with a time/place to meet.

Last night he called and we spoke for awhile.  We are both jokers and I am not sure what we were talking about that I joked about having to put our wedding plans on hold, etc.  I am only mentioning that conversation because after he hung up last night I haven’t heard from him again.  He said he would call back later.  It was already after 10 pm when he hung up, and he never called again.  It is now 4 pm the next day and nothing.

I am thinking that perhaps the jokes scared him.  We were both used to joke about things, and we had an understanding that we would communicate and clear up any misunderstandings.

Whenever anyone has offended me, I try to raise my soul so high that the offense cannot reach it. – Rene Descartes

I texted him around noon, no reply.  For some reason I think I will never him from him again.  I am just curious to know what happened that he couldn’t have said anything.  Why can people just communicate their thoughts and feelings?

Still, I may not like his action or lack of it, but I respect it.  Next!

How sad it is that I am so easy to move on to the next person?  Perhaps it is not sad, perhaps it is just the way I have to be to be able to survive on this online dating world.   I have learned not to invest myself emotionally in anyone until I am sure they deserve that investment, specially if I didn’t even meet him yet.

I don’t like disappearing acts, but any time that happens I picture my guardian angels removing that person from my life because they are not good for me.

Thank you Guardian Angels!  You know I need guidance.  I have mistaken glitter for gold more than once.

***

“Doubt is the origin of wisdom”  If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.– Rene Descartes

The dentist.  I so wish that I was speaking about a date, but no, I am speaking about having dental issues.  I am not sure I have mentioned before how much issues I have had with my teeth in the past.  I have had cavities filled, extractions, root canals, gum grafts, bone grafts, implants. etc.

For the past 2 years I have enjoyed a reprieve.  My dentist has plenty of ideas for more grafts and implants but nothing that I thought it was necessary.  All I have done in my mouth was for necessity and not cosmetic.

I had stopped going to my dentist in Scarsdale, NY because he was too expensive.  Scarsdale is synonymous with expensive. So since the middle of 2016 I have been going to one in my town that is more reasonable, since all I was doing was cleaning.

On Friday I went to her to have a front that looked chipped on the side fixed. While there I asked her to take a look at the gum on that side because it felt funny and it looked like there was a dark spot on the gum above the next tooth that happens to be an implant.  She took x-rays and said all was fine.  I was elated since I hardly ever have good news from dentists.

On Monday, out of the blue there was bleeding around the implant. It bled for a second, but I was extremely alarmed and immediately made an appointment with my original dentist.

The next day I took the day off and went to see him.  I was bracing myself for the worst.  I could already see surgery and stitches. He took x-rays and actual pictures.  He lectures around the world so I am sure my teeth has been a case study somewhere.

He said I looked beautiful as usual and I said he looked old…not something I recommend anyone to tell their dentist or anybody else, but I was very nervous and his hair had turned grayer than I remembered.

He said that the implant, bone and gums looked great and it just looked like there was something underneath, which I had immediately said popcorn.  The day before my co-worker mentioned popcorn when I said it looked like there was something under the gum.  There are 2 things that I have been eating daily and that is popcorn and grapes.

He scraped under the gum and said he removed some pieces of it.  He said to just take peroxide with a cotton swab and press against it.  He also said I need to make an appointment to get a cleaning with his assistant, and at that time we would talk about things we need to get done.

I was elated… for a couple of days.  Fast forward to a few days later my gum bled yesterday and today. It is not only the occasional bleeding but the nagging persistent feeling of subtle pain and numbness the sinus region.  I was going to have that cleaning in December because that is when the insurance will pay for another cleaning, but I can no longer wait for that.  On Monday I will call and get a cleaning asap.

Of course now I have spent hours Googling and reading about it.  There is condition called Peri-Implant that sounds like a possibility.  Funny thing while Googling is that I found an article that my own dentist wrote about it.   I decided to stop Googling and just wait until I go back to the dentist. I need to stop crossing bridges before I get to them.

I need to get done additional gum grafts for receding gum in the back.  Every time he mentions all that I need to get done I always have the same answer/joke:  find me a rich husband and I will come here and do everything you wish.

Wishing you all blessed weekend! Thank you for taking the time to read.

Divide each difficulty into as many parts as is feasible and necessary to resolve it. – Rene Descartes

In the moment and on a date

14 Tuesday Nov 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

≈ 38 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” – Thich Nhat Hahn

I have been taking 5 minutes in the morning when I wake up and 5 minutes before going to bed to meditate or to just be silent and try to turn off my mind.  For now I can’t silence it for the whole 5 minutes so when thoughts persist I just turn to affirmations that I made up such as: I deserve peace.  I deserve love.  I listen to the Universe and the Universe listens to me, etc.

It may seem silly but I credit those little 10 minutes a day with making a world of difference in my attitude and outlook.  Trying to be in the moment and in tune to my body, mind and breath has been incredible for me.  I hope to eventually be able to really let go of thoughts and also to devote more than 5 minutes.

***

“No woman really wants a man to carry her off; she only wants him to want to do it.”  – Elizabeth Peters

This dating life remains an adventure.  On Sunday I was asked out by a guy I met on POF.  He was nice and even though he lived a little further than I would want I thought there was potential so I accepted.

This is exactly what he said:  “I was wondering what you were doing late Sunday afternoon was thinking we could meet for appetizers and cocktails”.

He chose a restaurant near my apartment.  We met at 5pm and set at the bar.  He ordered a beer and I ordered a cosmopolitan.  They served us some bread, which was delicious.  He asked me what I would like to eat and I said: anything but shellfish.  He chose an antipasto platter and a whole pizza pie.

While eating, and I need to point out that I had only a couple of bites of cheese and eggplant from the antipasto platter and only 1 slice of pizza. And of course the free bread.  He had the rest of the antipasto and 3 or 4 slices of pizza and took the rest home.

We talked about various things, with him focusing a little too much on how bitter he was at his ex-wife over splitting up the finances. He said if he gets married again he will get a prenuptial agreement.  I am not sure at which point but he eventually said:  “I like to “go dutch” on first dates, so there is no pressure on anyone. So the girl doesn’t feel she owes me anything”.

What?  did he expect me to pay for half?  I never felt I owe a guy anything because he paid for dinner.  While I have no problem paying for my share, cheap men is a real turn off for me.  Also he should have mentioned that before meeting.  He is the one that chose the place and the meal. I was okay with meeting at a coffee shop or at the library or any public place.  I don’t need anyone to buy me dinner or appetizers as I a requirement to meet.

When the bill came I just ignored it.  There is no way I was going to offer to pay half.  Still I thought we managed to have a good time, that is until we said good bye. I went in for a hug good bye and he kissed me on the lips.  I pulled away startled as I hadn’t thought there was any sparks for either one of us.  He tried again and said:  I have to see how you kiss.  I couldn’t get away fast enough.  Classless!

There will not be a second date!

“Never marry at all, Dorian. Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.” – OscarWilde

 

 

and the dating continues

05 Sunday Nov 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

, , , ,

“Life is to be lived, not controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.” – Ralph Ellison

I have been trying to meditate.  I am looking for some inner quiet and peace, and perhaps answers that one can only hear in absolute silence.  Lately I have been having trouble dealing with things I cannot control.  I know better.  I know I should let go and let God.  I know I need to have faith that everything will work out in the end.

It is a combination of factors that has me this anxious, mostly family and work issues.   Since I cannot do anything to change the situation I need to learn not to let it take my peace.

I fail miserably at trying to meditate, at trying to keep thoughts out of my mind, but this time I will not give up as in the past.  Practice makes it perfect so I will keep trying, starting slowly.

“How would your life be different if…You stopped worrying about things you can’t control and started focusing on the things you can? Let today be the day…You free yourself from fruitless worry, seize the day and take effective action on things you can change.” – Steve Maraboli

***

Since I started online dating again I have gone on 2 dates:

The first was with a 57 year businessman.  We had dinner at a Brazilian restaurant.  It went well, but we still haven’t found a time for the second date. When he was free I had guests in town.  Then when I am free he is traveling for business.  It makes me wonder if it is so hard to schedule a second date what will happen if we start a relationship?

He was back from traveling today but said he was going to dinner with his cousin that he doesn’t see often.  For some reason it didn’t ring true to me and if made me question how much he really wants to go on a second date.

Then all of a sudden tonight at 6 pm he texted to say hello and see what I was doing.  He said his cousin took ill and now he felt foolish about not asking me out.  I jokingly said: oh she canceled.  He laughed.  I believe he had a date and she canceled.

“It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.” -― George Washington

I don’t mind if he had a date.  I am having other dates. Why make up anything up?  Just say: I am busy.  At the end of the day I am not sure if he was lying or not.  But my gut tells me he was.

Also he said he was eager to see me again.  Still he can’t find the time. For a second I saw potential in him.  He was kind, funny and a gentleman. Now I am  not sure,  He wants to go out this coming week, but we have nothing scheduled.  I am not as excited as before.  If too much time passes after the first date my interest and excitement level goes down.

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” – Friedrich Nietzche

***

The other date I had was with a 50 year old author and public speaker.  I am calling him that since I am not sure what to call him.  His ideas and teachings are great and some of same things I believe in. He is a dreamer and wants to help people. I applaud his passion.

We sat at a coffee shop but he never asked if I wanted anything to eat or drink.  He said he was more nervous about meeting me than speaking in front of hundreds of people.

He seemed smart and ambitious, but I think he has a long road ahead of him to get all his plans in motion.  What gave me pause about him was the fact that finding a partner is part of his business plan.

He thinks that without a partner to bounce ideas off and for support (emotional and I have a feeling at times financial) he cannot make his business succeed. He has to move from where he is eventually, but wants to find a girlfriend first and move near her.

He said he was very interested in me.  For the second date he wanted to come to my town to check it out.  It would be too much pressure for me to start going out with someone and the person already move near me. It would be forcing things instead of letting things flow naturally as they may or may not.

I am supposed to let him when I am free for the second date.  But I will talk to him about being friends only since there was no romantic chemistry for me.

“…If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours…If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.” – Henry David Thoreau

 

Accept, Respect and Let go!

24 Tuesday Oct 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”  – Jonathan Safran Foer

To continue my previous post.  The following is another factor that contributed to my feeling very down in the dumps the week before last:

  • S and I were having many miscommunication issues. It seemed we were not even speaking the same language.  This was disheartening after we were getting along so well.

We had been exchanging messages for over 2 months.  We got very close in such a short time.  We looked forward to each other’s emails.

At times I told myself I had no intention of meeting him and taking the relationship out of cyberspace; but more often than not I thought about meeting and all the possibilities.  Often I wanted him to ask me out.  I wanted him to want to meet me. I wondered why was taking him so long to ask.

I understand I could have stepped up and ask him out myself, but in this case I thought was up to him.  He knew I wanted to meet, all he had to do was ask.

We really knew nothing about each other.  I knew that his first name started with the letter S.  He was in a profession related to technology and was 41 years old.  He knew a bit more about me.  He knew my first name started with A.  I am 51 years old, from Brazil and have an identical twin sister.

At times I resented not knowing more about him and not being asked out.  I think he sensed my frustration in my words.

“Lingerer, my brain is on fire with impatience; and you tarry so long!” – Charlotte Bronte 

Last week I said something about the fact that he should have asked me out on a certain week that I had nothing keeping me busy (I have had family visiting me non-stop this year).  At that moment he was at a work event that he said was boring. He then said I should go and meet him right then and there.  After being in Manhattan the whole day I was now at home and I wasn’t about to jump in a train and then a subway to get back to Manhattan at 9 pm for that kind of invitation.

I didn’t go. We exchanged more emails that night and then I didn’t hear from him for over 24 hours.  That was odd.  In the past he said that I needed to stop being paranoid and think that he disappeared if he went silent for several hours.

A day later I emailed him and said I missed him.  He sent me a long reply saying there was no point in continuing to email since I would always want something he didn’t have or was not willing to give. He said I would always revert to wanting more.  I am not sure what he meant by that.

His email upset me.  It was not a mean email but he seemed to have misunderstood all I had been saying.  I also didn’t like the fact that he was just going to ghost me and not even bother writing ever again if were not for my reaching out.

But what I disliked the most was that he seemed to all of sudden not like the one aspect of me that I like most about myself and that he had commented on as being a good thing: my very positive hopeful attitude and my belief in fairy-tales.

I now had a choice, reply or just let go.  My first inclination would have been to reply and try to make him understand my side.  I wanted to clear up the miscommunication.  I wanted to understand what he meant by “you would always want more”.  I guess I also wanted him to change his mind.  I wanted to continue.

It took all my will power not to do it.  I realized I would just be prolonging the obvious ending.  I realized he was right, even if he misunderstood all I was trying to say.  I do want more then what he was willing to give.

I realized that this relationship was doomed, as he had pointed out.  It seemed we no longer could go back to the “let’s just be email buddies” thing.  We had gotten too close.  I now had expectations.

“Peace begins when expectation ends.” – Sri Chinmoy 

I have been here before. I have felt misunderstood before. Many times.  Does it really matter if someone understands me or not?  I realize I don’t need everyone to see my side of the story, and to understand it for that matter.  Normally I would try and try to make myself understood only to complicate things even more, and grow more frustrated.

Respect and acceptance are words that came to mind at that moment.  I need to learn to respect and accept people’s truth. People have their own perception and understanding of facts and situation.  It doesn’t make them wrong or right, especially when it comes to such subjective matters.  He was a good person, I know that.  We just disagreed on certain things.

Another idea came to mind: Do I just want to have the last word? I will always and forever have something else to say.  I am one of those people that have long explanations to everything. But do I really need to verbalize everything that comes into my mind?

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”  – Lao Tzu

It feels very empowering to not have emailed him.  It feels freeing not to need to have the last word.  I don’t need to be understood and accepted. I aim to understand, or at least respect and accept.

There is that side of me that will always mourn that little friendship we had.  A part of me will always be sad for what could have been. A side of me will every now and then think “what if”?  Didn’t he see all the potential?  Was I just imagining things?

Sometimes it is okay to let things go.  Sometimes it is okay to give up.  The dreamer side of me feels the need to clarify things because I think that things can still work out.

If I reached out nothing would change. He would definitely reply but I would just prolong the situation.  He would still not be asking me out or telling me anything about himself.  I would have grown even more frustrated and he would probably do too.

I feel the best thing I could have done was to let go and let him be.

This is a major shift for me.  I found strength in restraint. Not doing anything is not easy for me, but it proved so powerful and rewarding.  After a week of feeling lost and weak, I now feel grounded and powerful.  I now will choose silence more often.

Then there is also the issue of refusing to accept to be treated less then what you think you deserve for fear that the person will leave and you will end up alone.  In the end you are only delaying the inevitable.  It is not being demanding or difficult, it is being yourself. But I will leave that thought for the next post…

and also coming up, my online dating adventures re-start…well, it is like they never stopped 😉

 “He who is silent is forgotten; he who does not advance falls back; he who stops is overwhelmed; out distanced, crushed; he who ceases to grow becomes smaller; he who leaves off, gives up; the condition of standing still is the beginning of the end.”
― Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Determined and no longer feeling lost

20 Friday Oct 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 23 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

“I am, indeed, a king, because I know how to rule myself.” – Pietro Aretino

Last week I was feeling lost and powerless. It felt as if I couldn’t find my footing. I was feeling sorry for myself.  I don’t have a real reason or motive but I believe I can pinpoint 2 contributing factors:

1) Someone that I once dated was getting married.  To me it was more than casual dating. It was falling head over heels and thinking there was a future. He was younger, but he seemed mature enough for the age difference not to matter. After 6 months he said he was not interested in serious dating so we became just friends.  I was okay with that as I had been preparing myself from day 1 that this would be just a fling.

By then I had gotten emotionally attached. I wanted more.  I was lying to myself thinking that I was okay with being just friends. But friends we became and we kept mostly a texting relationship and a drink once in a blue moon. I cherished the friendship.

Then one day sensing his distance about meeting for a drink I asked if he had a girlfriend and he came clean.  It turned out he was not interested in seriously dating ME. 🙂

Still we continued the flirting over text.  I chose to ignore the fact that he had a girlfriend.  I am not proud of that.

Around Christmas last year he said he had gotten her an engagement ring. For a second I felt this pang in my stomach, but immediately felt happy for him. Honestly. But when he continued to flirt when texting I became uncomfortable. The fact that he was not available was now more than clear. I couldn’t deny it anymore. I guess I had been going along with the flirting because deep down inside I always hoped that he would come back and say: it is you I really want.

I told him that we needed to take a break from all the texting. He jokingly said: Is 2 hours enough of a break? I didn’t reply.  He never texted again. I was actually relieved that he didn’t.   It was hard not to reach out and say hi, but I knew if I did we would just start the flirting again.

Last week I found out it was his wedding week. Every now and then I would snoop on his friend’s Facebook and Instagram and would get tidbits about his life.  I am not proud of that.  Last week I spent a lot time torturing myself with every little detail and pictures of his beautiful wedding.

“You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” – Marcus Aurelius

All of a sudden I realized the absurdity of it. Why was I making myself miserable with this constant snooping? I think it is human nature to be curious, but I am here to tell you not to do it.

I STOPPED! It hasn’t been easy, but it has been extremely empowering not to look for anything related to him. I confess, at times I want to look and I ask myself what is the harm? I should really be asking what is the benefit? What am I gaining by snooping around the pictures and life of somebody that is part of my past and not of my future? Nothing! Nothing to gain, nothing to add to my life.

Instead of living my life,  I am wasting it looking at his, as if he is the one that got away. The reality is I dodged a bullet. A man that even after getting engaged is still texting and flirting with other women is no prize.  I am sure that had I not asked him to stop he would still be texting me even on the day of his wedding. I have no doubt about that.

I feel a bit sad as I thought we had a genuine friendship. I guess that is one of the reasons that it was so hard to let go of him.  I do feel so foolish now for insisting on a friendship that was not going anywhere and I was not getting anything out of it. Well I guess I was feeding off the little attention I was getting.

Was I feeling down about not being the one getting married? Did I want to be his bride? Or anybody’s bride for that matter? Not really. I never really dreamed about marriage, wedding, etc. But I think that his wedding just highlighted the fact that I am alone at the moment. It made me feel alone.

When I decided to quit looking at anything about him I decided also to stop looking at everything else I was wasting time on.  I had been looking at the pages of friends, strangers, celebrities, etc. What was I gaining with that? Nothing! The time I was spending looking at other people’s lives it was time I could be doing positive things in my own life.

To make a conscious choice to stay away from all Instagram and Facebook makes me feel powerful. It is extremely hard since I had been following certain people for awhile and I feel like I know them and want to know what they are up to.

I don’t have a problem with Facebook and Instagram in general. Those sites are great.  There are so many great ones, inspirational, funny, etc, but I was overdoing it. I was becoming an addict. Because of that I decide to stop it all.  I am like an alcoholic that knows he cannot stop at one drink, so for now I cannot trust myself to only look at certain pages. I may have mentioned this in the past, but now I feel I have turned a corner and I am actually doing it.

Social media can make me feel inadequate some times.  The problem is when I look at their lives and compare them to mine.  It seems everyone is going places, exotic vacations, great bodies, amazing boyfriends, and other great things.  I struggle not to compare myself to others.  Comparison is the fastest and surest way to unhappiness.  I know better. I know much better.

Each time I have the urge to check someone out and I don’t, I feel stronger and stronger.  There is amazing power in abstaining from viewing social media. I am growing stronger by the minute.  Actually, abstaining from anything that threatens to become an addiction, or has become an addiction is extremely empowering.  Try it!!

Since this post has gotten so long, I will be writing about the second factor that I mentioned in the beginning on the next post, so come back and check it out.

“The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance. The wise grows it under his feet.” – James Oppenheim

One day after another, we keep going

07 Saturday Oct 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

“There is a saying in Tibetan, ‘Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.’
No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster.”  – Dalai Lama XIV

I am as shocked as most people are over the tragedy in Las Vegas. While the Hurricane was also tragic, specially the situation in Puerto Rico, which is heartbreaking, Las Vegas is incomprehensible.  The sheer thought that one person alone could cause such atrocity is beyond understanding.  It is revolting, scary, and alarming. We can almost understand Mother Nature, but the evil in mankind leaves me speechless.

When will this stop? It keeps escalating. How can owning such weapons be okay? I doubt our forefathers had Automatic Rifles in mind when they decided on the Right to Bear Arms.

I pray for peace. I pray for miracles. I pray for guidance.  Prayer is not enough, I understand that.  Prayer without action, without doing my part is meaningless. But Prayer brings peace.  Prayer brings clarity, brings comfort and solace.

What else can I do, other than sign petitions and contact my local representative?  Who is he/she anyway?  Are they really representing me?

***

“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.”  – Amit Ray

S. and I still email daily.  I am still not sure if it is going anywhere.  At times I want to meet him, other times I want to preserve things as they are.

We had a minor disagreement the other day. I thought it was rude to just leave a conversation and not say good bye, only to resurface several hours later like nothing happened. He said and I quote: “You seem to think it’s not okay to miss someone, even if terribly, and knowing they’ll be back”

I guess he has a point. I also guess he has never been ghosted before. What is annoying is not somebody disappearing; it is not knowing if they will ever come back.

I decided to relax and take it for what it is: a fun friend that comes and goes. Still I enjoy exchanging messages with him and will continue to do so until we either meet, get tired of each other, or get significant others, whatever comes first.

Speaking of meetings, I decided to go back to online dating sites. I miss going out on dates. I miss dressing up, having an alcoholic beverage, flirting and the potential of a second date and a kiss.

I also miss all the different people I meet. I miss their stories. They teach me a lot about myself.

I thought I would do so much with my life while away from online dating but nothing has changed. I am still not blogging as often as I would like.

Oh well, I will not pressure myself about that either.

***

“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it’s not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.”  – Dalai Lama XIV

I am not sure I have mentioned my problem with hives. Yes, besides, back, hip and neck/collarbone issues I also deal with hives. I am damaged goods, or perhaps those are the signs of a life lived well, or perhaps just the sign of a body not being taken care of as a temple.

After consulting with several doctors, including an allergist that assured me I am not allergic to anything: “perhaps a little allergy to dust”,  I am still not close to figuring why most days at the end of the day I break out in hives. Most of the time is annoying but not crazy, but yesterday it was just unbearable.

In looking at what I had to eat and what I did throughout the day the only thing that I would consider out of the ordinary for me was having a few slices of salami at dinner time. Could I be allergic to salami, or something in it?

I keep wanting to start a food diary and never do it, perhaps the time to start is now.  I had 10 years ago and it was an incredible weight loss tool.  I need to do it again.

***

Returning and wanting to flee and be free

27 Wednesday Sep 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” – Marcel Proust

I don’t get tired of saying that I love going away but I love returning home even more.  I like my bed and my routine.  But going away is necessary.  To renew, to refresh or perhaps just to appreciate more what we leave behind.

I spent one week in Brazil visiting family.  I had visions of while there having plenty of time to exercise, to work on my blog, etc.

I didn’t have a free second.  I was always with my Mom or my Dad or both.  I don’t know how long I will have them around so I want to make sure I don’t waste my time on the computer instead of spending time with them.

I am happy to say that Mom’s depression medication is working so she felt good enough to travel here and stay a couple of weeks, as she normally does a couple of times a year.

I am sorry for the short disappearance, specially after mentioning corresponding with a couple of Craigslist’s strangers.  I know that crazy leaps can be made.

***

“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.” – Paulo Coelho

I am still emailing with S.  Joe, the other one, hasn’t emailed in over one week.  I am okay with that.  No big loss for either one of us.  This is just fun and entertainment.

S. and I have been getting closer and closer.  We have been emailing back and forth, sometimes several times a day since the end of July.  I harbor no illusions of anything.  It would be silly of me to think that there is anything here.  At the same time it has been fun.  He seems intelligent and caring, two things I really appreciate in people.

For all I know I could be talking to a catfish.  He could be a 60 yr old grandmother, or a 15 yr old high school kid.  I just don’t know. That is why I proceed with caution; and the occasional moment of caution thrown to the wind, in the form of conversations a little more spicy.

It has been amazing fun corresponding with him.  We write each other poems.  Perhaps I will reprint some here.  I am not talking about corny I love you poems.  I am talking about the same regular email we would write each other, about the day’s events, about our wants, about anything, but in poem form.  He started it and then I try to follow suit looking for words that rhyme.

It is amazing how our emails turn out when we are looking to make rhymes. It is really fun and it twists my brain sometimes.  It helps wake up my brain and use different words.

I still only know that his name starts with S., and it means some kind of warrior prince.  I know he is 41, and a technologist.  Probably a consultant as he doesn’t seem to have a set work schedule.

He knows a little more about me.  He knows my name starts with A, that I am a twin and that I am from Brazil.

Will I ever meet him? I don’t know, but it seems to be leaning towards that.  For the first time in my life I am in no hurry.  There is not a sense of urgency for me to meet him. It will probably happen for not any time soon.

For now I am enjoying this, whatever this is.

***

“Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one’s weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.” – Mahatma Gandhi

While in Brazil I went to a Reiki session.  Actually I went to 2 different ones with 2 different women.  Reiki is a healing technique that believe that someone can use their energy and touch of their hands to help in the healing of physical and other ailments.  It works with unblocking our Chakras, prayers and the warm touch of hands.

It is much more than that. I am not the best person to describe here what any of this is, but both Reiki and Chakras are very interesting concepts that I want to learn more about.  Perhaps as I learn I will summarize here the ideas.

I believe in anything that is used for good.  I believe in the power of the unknown and the unseen.  I believe in energy, light and the Universe.

One of the women mentioned I need to take time for myself and to do the things I love and make me happy.  I agree with that.  I need to take care of myself and put myself first.  This year, specially, has been all about others, family, friends and work.

I thought it was interesting that both women mentioned I have a deep sadness, a past sorrow that I need to address and work on.  I didn’t think I have any sorrow, but I can’t help thinking if the break up is not still lurking around specially since the Ex made an appearance in the last couple of months.   They recommended working on this by praying for help, comfort and guidance.

Ex came to collect a last item for the car and spoke to my sister.  I made sure not to be around when he came. He implied that she didn’t know the whole story.  I was furious with him and his implications.  There is nothing else to the story.  He cheated.  He has issues.  It is a case of blaming the victim.  I take full accountability for my fault in it.  But after 5 years I can’t see where I failed.  He is a master manipulator and twister of the truth.  I wonder what he thinks the truth is.  The deal with psychopaths is that they believe their own lies.

I always pray, well it is more like short gratitude conversations thanking God for all I have.  When I ask for something I ask for guidance and strength. He knows what I need and deserve to be a better person, to fulfill my purpose in life.

I need to take more time for silence, for God, for me, to feed my soul.  I have been feeling I am lacking the spiritual side.  I am lacking that replenishing of energy that we all need.  The day to day take so much of us.  We become robots, doing things out of routine and just sheer want, not even stopping to see if what we want is good for us.  I want to be more aware and in being more aware, be freer.

“If, then, I were asked for the most important advice I could give, that which I considered to be the most useful to the men of our century, I should simply say: in the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you.” – Leo Tolstoy