Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

I have been scammed and it sucks!

29 Friday May 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“Don’t judge yourself by what others did to you.” ― C. Kennedy, Omorphi

I have been scammed and I feel pretty lousy about it.  Actually lousy is not the right word.  I feel powerless. I feel vulnerable.  I felt betrayed and taken advantage of.  The victim in me is in full bloom.

At times like these I wish I had a protector, a savior, a man.  It is not even about the money as it is a small amount. It is about the fact that somebody looks you straight in the eye and lies to your face.  Somebody thinks you are dumb enough and too weak to do anything about it.

The feeling of powerlessness and hopelessness is tough to deal with.  I am also feeling pretty dumb.  How can this self-made street smart business woman be in such a predicament?  I am no longer this illegal immigrant that spoke no English.  I am an American now, I have it all and I have rights.  Also online I am able to spot scammers a mile away, but face to face this guy just had me.

I am not going to bore anyone with the minute details of the story.  The fact is I have been ripped off by a fridge repairman. I paid for a new part and he gave me an old one.

But this is more than monetary loss, it is about misplaced trust.

I was livid when I found out.  At this point I don’t even know if the part needed to be changed or not.  He was recommended by someone I trust so I had complete confidence in him.

When I found out I called him and asked him about it and he, of course, denied it.  He was supposed to stop by to talk to me about it last night.  He never did.  Today I called him and gave him a piece of my mind.

What am I to do now?  My options are limited.

  • Sue him?  It is $375.00, so it is not worth my time to go to court over that.
  • Find someone to break his legs?  Of course I am kidding about this option, but it shows you how mad I am that I am even dreaming about inflicting bodily harm.
  • Blast the internet with bad reviews?  Hum perhaps that will make me feel better, especially since warning others is a good thing.
  •  Grin, bear it and move on? If I choose this one, does it mean I am just a doormat?

There are the “why me” feelings. I treat everyone with respect, kindness, honesty, why? I will tell you “why me”: because clearly there are lessons here for me to learn!

At this moment I am breathing, putting aside hurt feelings and looking at the bigger picture.  First, I need to stop the drama: No one died!   Second I need to look at the part I played:  I am one of the main characters in this plot so I need to see how I can play it differently next time and have a different outcome.

“That’s the thing about being a victim; you start to think it’ll happen to you on a regular basis. It’s living with the reality of your own vulnerability, and it sucks.” ― Dennis Lehane, A Drink Before the War

I am only a victim if I give the other person or the event/situation the power to make me feel that way.  Here are some of my ideas of what I can do different next time:

  • Fix it myself. Youtube has tutorials on everything. I actually had changed that same part in my old fridge in my old apartment myself (with the help of a friend).  This time I thought it was a different problem, so when he told me it was the same problem I figured I would just throw money at the problem and not have to ask anybody’s help. (I hate asking for help)
  • Never blindly trust a repair person/salesman, etc, /don’t let your guard down even if referred by someone I know. Because he was so well recommended I saw this guy as a friend and let my guard down.
  • Go with my gut. When in doubt I will get a second opinion. My gut was telling me to wait to fix it, but I ignored the little voice inside.
  • I will ask for proof. Whenever getting anything repaired that requires new parts I will ask for the box the new part came in and ask to keep the old part.
  • I will do my research and ask questions. I will let them know that I am not totally clueless (and careless) about the issue.
  • I will treat it as business deal and not as a new friendship. I was my usual self with this person.  I was super friendly and cracking jokes. I treated him how I would like to be treated, and in this case didn’t work.  I think that it sent him the wrong message. It made me seem like an easy gullible prey.
  • I will never pay with cash (had I paid with credit card I could dispute the charge)
  • Whenever possible I will not pay the entire amount at once.

In the end perhaps this $375.00 will be an investment in making sure that I don’t lose thousands in the future.

But, perhaps over-analyzing it, is this hitting me so hard because in some weird way it mirrors the full trust I had in Ex?

Why should I ever trust anyone again?  Should I become this hard, serious, non-trusting person?  Should I change? Why do I need to change?  too many questions, no answers 😦

“The victim mindset dilutes the human potential. By not accepting personal responsibility for our circumstances, we greatly reduce our power to change them.” ― Steve Maraboli

IS IT ME, HIM OR PMS?

22 Friday May 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.” ― Kahlil Gibran

The last couple of months I haven’t dated as I have had no time.  Now I am online again.

This one guy asked me out after we had only exchanged a couple of messages.  I am okay with that as I don’t need to exchange countless emails and rather meet in person anyway.

It felt weird from the beginning as it felt more like a business exchange.  We didn’t really do any chatting other than schedule to meet, but he seemed nice.

But, as it often happens with my dealings online, there was some miscommunication, things took an awkward turn and I decided not to meet him.   I just have no patience for anything lately, especially what appears to be a needy insecure man that missed a big chance of keeping his mouth shut (or in this case, his fingers from typing)

and then there is PMS raging on, which makes everything take an inflated dimension.

“I’m standing in misunderstanding. I must have just stepped in it.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

Well, judge for yourself, here is the conversation:

5/19/2015 6:18:52 PMHE: Are you free tonight. I can meet you somewhere if you are free
5/19/2015 6:32:00 PMME:  sorry, I am busy with a couple of things until Thursday. I am free after that.

 

 5/19/2015 6:34:52 PMHE: Okay maybe during the weekend or Monday. Do you work on memorial day?
5/19/2015 6:40:05 PMME: Sounds good! I am off 🙂

 

5/19/2015 6:47:45 PM
HE: So I can come to the new Rochelle area and go for a drink or something to eat
5/20/2015 7:31:45 AMME: That is awesome if you can come my way! 🙂

 

5/20/2015 7:34:33 AM
HE: Sure no problem
5/20/2015 8:40:02 AMME: Now all we need to do is choose a date 🙂

 

5/20/2015 9:00:01 AM
HE: Yes we do. Let me know.
5/20/2015 9:11:41 AMME: I thought you were going to let me know ?

 

5/20/2015 11:13:18 AM
HE: Okay no problem. I will let you know when and where
5/20/2015 11:32:03 AMME: ok 🙂

 

 5/20/2015 9:41:30 PMHE: Patrias tapas bar in new Rochelle at 1 pm on Saturday
5/21/2015 8:18:12 AMME: Sounds good, but I have to confirm it later when I hear from a windows installer. He is coming Saturday but I am not sure what time. I will let you know if 1pm works the moment I hear back from him.
Have a great Thursday!

 

 5/21/2015 8:20:09 AMHE: Have a great day
5/22/2015 12:01:16 AM
HE:  Hello A. ,
How are you. Can you let me know by tomorrow if we are going to meet up on Saturday. thank you.

 

5/22/2015 6:44:58 AMME: Good morning
I am sorry I have been holding you up.
I sent the curtain guy another message and I will call him when I get to the office.
But please don’t let me hold you up any longer. If you need to plan your weekend go ahead and make other plans.
We will play by ear when I know my timing.
Have a great Friday!

 

5/22/2015 6:49:36 AM
HE: I usually do not make any plans because I am a spontaneous person . okay let me know. I am flexible person.
5/22/2015 7:10:23 AM
HE: You don’t seem to enthusiastic to see me. I think what you should have told me is on your note instead of me making alternative plans was I definitely want to see you this weekend and if possibly there is a conflict with the contractor we will make an alternative time and/or day. That’s what I would have said to you if I had the same situation.

 

5/22/2015 8:32:52 AMME: what??? I am so confused.
You cannot expect people to act like you would act. For starters you have no idea all I am going through at the moment and all I was juggling to try to see you at 1 tomorrow.
5/22/2015 8:39:28 AM
HE: Okay I appreciate that.

 

5/22/2015 8:42:38 AMME: Clearly this would never work. It is very disappointing.
Wishing you the best of luck anyway.
 5/22/2015 8:49:52 AMHE: Why? I said okay. I don’t have an issue. You are too sensitive. You have to calm down. You need to smell the roses. Whether its me or someone else if you react like that you will have a hard time not only beginning a relationship but making it last. All you will be doing is dating and nothing more. You need to work on your bad reactions.

 

 5/22/2015 8:54:38 AMME: thank you so much for you advice!
5/22/2015 8:59:29 AMHE: You can thank me but you should review your notes and reactions. This is for your own good because I would never do that to anyone the way you reacted.

 

5/22/2015 9:04:04 AMME: again I thank you very much.
Next time I will act overly enthusiastic to meet someone,
I will be clingy and needy and act all desperate.
because making a date and offering to make alternate plans is not good enough!!
I am looking for simple and easy, not pressure and paranoia
5/22/2015 9:10:15 AM
HE: Well I am simple person and relaxed. Your immediate reaction not to meet anymore is not good .

 “We’re all islands shouting lies to each other across seas of misunderstanding.” ― Rudyard Kipling, The Light That Failed

This is the time he is supposed to be trying to be nice to me and captivate me and not tell me how to act/react. His pick-up game needs work.

I know that sometimes I can be too reactive and over-react.  I constantly try to work on that (I know I have to try harder) Did I over-react in this case? Am I being defensive or just too sensitive (as he pointed out)?  Looking back I was a bit sarcastic and passive-aggressive.

But why do I have to show enthusiasm about meeting him after we only exchanging a couple of messages?

I felt pressured. Not a feeling you want going on a date.  I don’t think any good can come out of continuing to exchange messages with him and meeting him.

I just lacked the energy, time and inclination to deal with people that need that much attention this early in the game.

I try not to miss the lesson, but in this case I don’t even know what the lesson is 😦

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― Maya Angelou

***

I did have a date last night with a nice gentleman and I am not sure how I feel about him.  I realize that I am becoming over critical of people (ironic isn’t it?).  Perhaps I am afraid of getting hurt so I look for reasons not to see someone again.  He emailed me this morning to ask me about seeing me again.  I am not sure what to reply.  He lives far and I don’t like to drive. 🙂

***

On another front I am so excited to have my new blinds installed tomorrow.  They are expensive but they are thermal blackout, so they should help me save me money in the winter (my building was poorly constructed and the insulation is barely existent).  I was debating if I would try ordering and installing them myself but decided against it (where is a man when you need one?)   I had them made for the living room only.  The bedrooms will just have curtains for now.  One battle at a time!

Tired of accepting less than I deserve!

11 Monday May 2015

Posted by in Dating, Finding Me

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“I want to be in a relationship where you telling me you love me is just a ceremonious validation of what you already show me.” ― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Even in all my busyness at the moment I find time to miss someone.  I miss AL!  I wrote about AL before. We met when I was selling some extra concert tickets online.  He didn’t buy the tickets but we developed an email friendship.  It turned out that he only lived 15 minutes away so we decided to meet.  The sparks that were noticeable in the emails were even more evident in person.  We dated for a little bit but decided to become only friends (without benefits).  We both realized that it wouldn’t work out romantically in the long run because of a sizable age difference (16 years) and decided that we’d rather nurture the friendship.

Our friendship continued until he became very busy with opening a restaurant.  At that point our friendship became texting only.  I understood him being busy, but after the restaurant came and went (he sold it) and he still he couldn’t find 5 minutes to meet up I started to feel weird, somewhat annoyed at this text only relationship.  I questioned the validity of a friendship that had become texting only.

I enjoyed the in-person banter we had and missed that.   I appreciated his outlook in life. Like me he was appreciative of everything he had but always striving to become better.

So for the past year I would mention every now and then how disappointed I was that we haven’t gotten together in awhile.  And it was always the same response: I am sorry I have been a bad friend  and  I promise to do better.

At one point I mentioned to him that I normally pay attention to a man’s actions and not his words.   I told him he said the right things but there was no action.  Again he was apologetic.

And still nothing ever changed. Then he would resume the texting.  I would sometimes ignore it hoping he would get it, but he would persist and eventually I relented and would continue the texting, which I enjoyed a lot.

After many times of this pattern of my complaining and his apologizing I was left feeling silly and childish.  It seemed stupid in a friendship to be feeling unappreciated and unworthy, but that was what I was feeling.

No matter how busy we all are we still find time for the people that we care about.  It was disappointing as I thought our friendship was amazing and I never pictured it ending only getting stronger.

Then it dawned on me:  He must have gotten a girlfriend!  I asked him and he confirmed it.  I was crushed!  Not because he had a girlfriend but because he thought so little of me to never tell me.

All of a sudden I didn’t know him anymore, and he clearly never knew me.  If we were such best friends why would he hide this girlfriend from me?  It was a mutual decision to turn the romance into friendship.  And that was already 2 years ago!  He knew of my online dating efforts as I mentioned often the dates I was going on.  He always said he was not looking for anyone as he was too busy, which I knew it was hogwash as men are always looking.

I am happy for him having found someone.  I am upset with the fact that he hid it from me.  It makes me question what he thinks of me.  Why would AL hide a girlfriend from me?  That is so stupid and it makes me rethink of what I thought of him.

Once again here is another guy that apparently thinks I like him and cannot handle the truth.  Once again I am forced to look at my actions to see where I have gone wrong.  When and how did I show that I wanted to be more friends?  I am stumped.

Finally one day I had had enough and made it perfectly clear that I didn’t want to get texts anymore.   I had said that many times before but this time I made sure to tell him that this was making me feel pathetic and it was hurtful.  I mentioned that every time he texted it reminded me that we were no longer good friends.   It had become this stupid game of him texting, my complaining about not getting together, his apologizing, my giving in and texting back.  The stick the broke the camel’s back was him sending me a cutesy texting full of emoticons saying he loved me when only the day before I had told him to stop texting me.   I always felt he valued and appreciated me but why the “no effort”?

Well this time he heard me loud and clear! I haven’t heard from him in almost 2 months months.  I am surprised (many times before he mentioned he would never let go of this friendship), and at the same time happy.  But I cannot lie and say I don’t miss him.  I miss him a lot(well his texting)!

But what do I really miss?  I guess it is just the idea of a best friend.  I always related better to men than women.   I miss his joy of life, his sharp wit, and his attention.  He got my jokes and he seemed to get me. I miss being thought of and being remembered.  But when someone lives just 15 minutes away, texting only is not enough.

No, I didn’t want him as a boyfriend.  After the initial attraction and trial dating, being just friends suited me fine.  I always relished the idea that we were able to put attraction aside and build this awesome friendship.  I felt smug about it as if this was an amazing achievement and we were able to do it.

I guess once again I invented a relationship that was better and more solid than in reality.

At times now I second guess myself about asking him to stop with the texting, thinking that perhaps I shouldn’t haven’t been so demanding.   This after all was supposed to be an easy, no demanding friendship.  We saw each other when we had time.  Shouldn’t I just act cool and continue texting?

Then I remember that I was not feeling valued and worthy.  I felt cheap and used. I am worth of somebody’s time.  I am a great friend, true, open, honest, non-judgmental and here for you.  If he doesn’t have the time, actually if he doesn’t care to make the time to meet me then I shouldn’t waste my time with empty texting.

I miss him but don’t want to hear from him again.  There is a reason people come into our lives and there is a reason they leave.  There is a reason why things that are passed should remain in the past: to make room for the new.

I feel that my friendship with AL was comfortable to me, even in its dysfunctionality.   His texting was something I could count on to pick up my day, to make me laugh, to make me blush, to make me feel like a friend and often like a woman.

Being comfortable is the enemy of growth!

I question my self-esteem.   What am I holding on to when I accept less than I deserve?  What am I getting from this so-called friendship?  I was holding on to the past we had:  great outings and great conversations and; I was holding on to the future I thought we would have:  more great outings and more great conversations.  I realized I was missing the most important: the present, the now!

I am happy that I took a stand and spoke my mind.  I no longer feel used and just somebody to text with when he is bored. I will probably continue to miss him for awhile, but there is a price for everything in life, and this is the price I am paying for taking a stand for what I believe I deserve.

My door is wide open for new friends! No texting please!   Well, some texting is okay, since I am an expert at it!

“The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run.” ― Henry David Thoreau, Walden

Learning acceptance kicking and screaming!

04 Saturday Apr 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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I am right now sitting at terminal 38 at JFK airport waiting to board a flight to Brazil. This post will be extremely short as it is a major pain to type on a tiny tablet.
Arghhhh I am about to start pulling my hair out…oops, just realized I am sounding and acting like a spoiled teenager – ugly!!!!!!!
Summarizing:
• going to Brazil to visit family and get my Mom
• Mom has been sick so we hope the doctor clears her to travel.
• We are supposed to come back from Brazil in one week, spend 5 days in NY then travel to Israel
• All is in the air now depending on tests and test results.

The last few days/weeks have been very challenging:
• Buying a larger apartment
• Finding a tenant for smaller apartment
• booking the trip to Brazil and to Israel for mom and I
• having a birthday. Tuning 49 is no picnic. There was this sense of finality, finity and finitude (are these all the same? I just want to make sure you get my feeling that life is almost over!
• severing ties with a friend (will write about it as it is painful and I still working on this pain and other feelings.
•but worst of it all was my mom getting ill!! There is this sense of powerlessness, lack of control over anything. Being far doesn’t help!

This is another chance to practice acceptance. Another great chance to show how much I believe in God and the Universe.
I am in control of nothing, absolutely nothing. The moment I understand and acceptance this one fact is the moment fear and worry release its grip on me.
Another chance to work on my feelings, reactions and over-reactions.
Another chance to show gratitude for all the blessings already received.

As long as I do 100% as a daughter, as a human being, as long as I honor and respect people and nature, as long as I have a grateful heart I am will be okay no matter what.
My prayer continues to be for guidance, acceptance and strength!
Dear God, don’t give me what I want, give me what I need and the tools to deal with it!

A wonderful Easter to All! Thank you for being there – that knowledge alone comforts me!

My past in a letter!

28 Saturday Mar 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.”
― Rick Warren

It is amazing the tricks the Universe plays on us.  I just wrote the previous post about having no feelings about Ex and then all of a sudden I have doubts.

As I have mentioned I have just moved apartments, so I am in the process of organizing stuff.  Tonight I decided to focus on documents, etc.  All of a sudden I open a folder and there is a folded letter inside.  As I open it I recognize Ex’s handwriting.

My heart sinks.  I know I just wrote about not having feelings regarding his texting me, but what if I was wrong?  At first I didn’t even remember ever receiving this letter.  I made sure to destroy/erase anything he sent. I guess I missed this one.

Am I really over him? I braced myself, expecting the worst and I start reading it.

As I read the letter I remember exactly how I felt when I read it the first time.  I felt happy and validated when I read the word love.  At that time I still wanted validation to all the love I had for him and for the fairy-tale relationship I thought we had.  The word love meant hope, perhaps there is still a future.

Then I remember feeling insulted as he was still not acknowledging the cheating.  He was still not being honest, perhaps not even with himself.

That was what I felt then, September 2013.   Now there are no feelings.  Nothing! 🙂

Here is the letter:

Ex Letter

It reads:

“I love you

I always have and I always will.

For 2 1/2 years I was pretty good at loving you and holding the rest of my life together.

The last few months, I was not as good and I will never be able to make it up to you or explain how disappointed in myself that I am.

Currently, I have not pulled the rest of my life together and many things have worsened.

You are an exceptional and wonderful person and lady that deserves better than me and I realize how lucky and fortunate that I was to be in your life, even for just a few years.

I will always provide you with anything I can, just let me know if you need anything.”

A few months ago I wouldn’t have been able to read it without crying.  Now it is meaningless as if I don’t even know the sender and recipient.

What remains at this point is gratitude.  Gratitude for what we had and gratitude for letting me go!

I have forgiven him a long time ago and I am happy that time has allowed me to forget!

“Forgetting is something time alone takes care of, but forgiveness is an act of volition, and only the sufferer is qualified to make the decision” ― Simon Wiesenthal

The sweet taste of indifference!

27 Friday Mar 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” ― Steve Maraboli

Remember Ex? You don’t?  Good! I barely do! Lol  He texted me a week or so ago.  The reality show Amazing Race was on and it had been filmed in Bangkok.  That reminded him of a trip we took there in 2010.

He texted: I hope you are watching or recording Amazing Race.  They are in Bangkok in all the places we have been and it reminded me of how wonderful that trip was thanks to you.

I texted back: I am recording it, too busy moving.

He texted back congratulations and some other pleasantries.

I replied: Thank you, Life is beautiful! I continue to be blessed!

And that was the end.

It was not until much later that I realized one thing:  I had no feelings about getting a text from him, and consequently I had no feelings about him.  I was completely  indifferent to hearing from him. I was not happy or sad, it was just a text from somebody I knew.

I didn’t read and re-read the texts trying to find hints of something that one day was, trying to find hidden meanings of love.

I was not mad he texted.  I was not mad he reminded me of that amazing trip.  I was just completely unaffected by it.

I no longer have the longing sad feelings of a lost love.  I no longer have anger over what he threw away.  I am no longer annoyed and hurt that he acted like he had done nothing wrong.

I thought this day would never come.  I thought I would always have some feeling towards him.  It is so wonderful to realize that my heart is whole and it back to being my own.

This feels like some sort of graduation, a process completed, a rite of passage I am done with.

He is no longer a central character in the plot of my life.  He is not even a supporting character.  He is just a chapter in a book that now sits in the shelf of my life collecting dust.

I never realized how the absence of feelings could ever feel this amazing!

“Well, now
If little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you
Little by little
If suddenly you forget me
Do not look for me
For I shall already have forgotten you

If you think it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life
And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots
Remember
That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms
And my roots will set off to seek another land”
― Pablo Neruda

One is alive, the other is boring and I am getting old in the process!

23 Monday Mar 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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Guess who I saw online on Friday night?  Yes, you guessed it!  Mr. disappearing act was online.  So now we know that he is not dead, in prison or lying in a hospital with amnesia.  Now we know that he stopped texting/calling because he wanted to.

I will never understand what makes a person do that.  The honest approach is so much better and civil, why just disappear? Why let people wonder what happened?   Well, I totally believe I dodged a bullet and I thank my guardian angel for this narrow escape.

I didn’t contact him and I am glad that he didn’t contact me and tried to give me some excuse.

The bottom line is whatever is/was going on in his life that caused him to disappear has nothing to do with me.  It is all about him! I was just on his path.  I was just another casualty.

I am filing this under lesson learned.  I am free from him.  I am free from the issues that being his friend would bring.  Drugs are not for me and anyone that needs drugs to be happy are not for me.

“Being honest may not get you many friends but it’ll always get you the right ones.” ― John Lennon

***

I just came from another failed date.  I hate to use the word failed as I think everything in life leads to success and there are no failures only lessons and stepping stones to a better place. But for some reason this one feels like a failure.

He was just a bit too overwhelming to me.  Normally I am the overwhelming one.  Normally I am the one that talks too much.  I wanted to give him some constructive criticism but I knew he couldn’t handle it.  At one point I just sat back and listened, I didn’t bother to disagree.  Well I attempted to but I could see him getting defensive so I gave up.

Of course he liked me so much that he couldn’t stop telling me that he had a great feeling about this date.  He now can’t stop telling me how smitten he is with me.  It seems he says the right stuff but it just rubbed me the wrong way.

I don’t like when people assume they know me.  I don’t like when people assume that they know what I am feeling.  I don’t like when people think they know what I am about to say.

He is a very nice guy, great job, worldly, smart, but something rubbed me the wrong way.  He is an Aries like me maybe that is the problem. May be he is too much like me.

Truth is that if that is what I am like, I hated it and I need to change.  It is not fun being with someone so opinionated, so know it all, so full of assumptions.  I need to watch myself and tone it down.

The main problem is there was zero chemistry for me.  I guess when there is chemistry is easier to put up with some things.

He just texted to tell me he wants to do something special for me on Saturday night to celebrate my birthday.  His birthday is 2 days later.  The worst part is that I am considering it.

I didn’t say no yet, but I know I have no other answer for him. I was tempted into accepting just because I have nothing lined up for my birthday. I know, that is an awful reason to go out with someone! This blog of mine is all about honesty, so I would be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that I thought about accepting his invitation so that I would have something special to do on my birthday.

The truth is I would feel miserable if I accepted knowing I would be using him. If I thought there was a chance of liking him more on a second date I would go, but I don’t think so.  So I will find an easy way to let him down.

As far as my birthday I will make it special no matter what.  I always celebrate myself!  I believe there will be champagne involved!

I will be celebrating possibilities!  My life is so full of hope and possibility!  Some times I just have to smile to myself for seeing all the invisible beauties and blessings in my life.  I am alive, do I need any other reason to celebrate?

The Guardian Angel Act!

19 Thursday Mar 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” ― Rumi

This post was going to be called “Disappearing Act” but I already have a post with that name plus I believe this disappearance act is the act of my very astute Guardian Angel.

Do you remember the drug guy that became my friend, the one I spoke about a couple of posts ago? He totally fell off the face of earth, or so it seems.

It is all very odd.  We had been talking on the phone and texting every single day.  In our very last texting exchange we were joking, talking about my new tenant and also making plans to have buffalo chicken wings.  I had mentioned that he should search for the best place to have wings and it would be my treat since he had been treating me to dinner/drinks every time we saw each other so I thought it should be my turn.

Then there is just silence, no text, no phone call, nothing.  We never had any disagreements and even the drug issue was really a non-issue.  I said my part he said his and we were past that as if it never happened.  We had become close fast friends, one of those very easy friendships.

“Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.” ― Deborah Reber

In the past I would have created crazy scenarios in my mind such as him being involved in some kind of accident, or perhaps losing his phone and not being able to contact me.  In the past I would have texted and called to see if he was okay and alive, but I don’t do that anymore.   In the past when I contacted a new friend or date that had gone silent they normally would say they had been busy or something like and then go silent again.

Now I choose non-reaction and acceptance.  I am only human, so of course I am curious about what happened, but not enough to contact him. I have also been so busy with my moving apartments that only now I have the time to think and write about it.

I feel my life is an open book; my presence is optional, whoever wants to stay, stay, whoever wants to leave, leave. No questions asked.  No pressure, no commitment.  Of course there is something called courtesy, and treating others politely, I do it but not everyone chooses to do it.  I like to be upfront, if I don’t want to see someone again I say so.  I choose honesty but it is up to each one of us to do as we please.

“The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.” ― Stephanie Perkins

When I say this disappearance is the act of my guardian angel is because unexplainable events such as this to me have deeper meaning.  They are small miracles, they are God’s sign of which direction I should be going, or going a step further,  it is God forcing my hand and choosing the right direction for me.

I had been ambivalent from the beginning if I should continue a friendship with him or not.  While I am totally against any use of drugs in my life I like to be non-judgmental.  I like to be open to friendships with people from all walks of life.  I am an all-opportunity friend.  We never know who will be the vessel for the next lesson, who will be the source of the next smile and the next comforting word.  I also think I am not above people; I am not perfect, I am not better than my fellow human being just because I say no to drugs.  I believe people are put on our path for different reasons.  He had a reason to come into my life.  Perhaps he was a test.  Perhaps he was a wakeup call.  Perhaps he was a reminder of what I should be doing.  Perhaps he is teaching me the joy of being able to accept people as they are and also to learn to let them go when they choose to leave. I don’t have to know the reason for his appearance in my life right now, I just need to be aware of it.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu

Perhaps my guardian angel realized we were getting too close and the friendship could have become something else, something that would not be good for me in the long run.  It is so freeing when one learns acceptance.  I am writing about it now not because it still bothers me but because I am proud and happy of how I am handling it and how unaffected by it I am.

I would not change anything about meeting him, about saying no to his offer of fun, about continuing to seeing him and of now accepting his disappearance.  Life is better when it is easy.  Friendships are better when are free from entanglements and pressure.  I am not saying that my life is a revolving door one gets to come and go as one pleases.  You get to go any time you choose but allowing entrance back is another story!  I don’t believe in burning bridges but I believe some deserve to be totally imploded, not only the bridge but the roads leading to it.  Some things are best left in the past so that we can embrace our future.

Thank you my angels for showing me the wise way, for making me realize that trying to build something solid on shaky ground would never work. I bow to your infinite knowledge and protection.  I am blessed and I know it!

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” ― Steve Maraboli

Floating in Happiness!

13 Friday Mar 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“Dream your dream; and realize that you are more than just the dreamer, you are the point of origin for its reality.”― Steve Maraboli

I was about to complain of how busy and tired I am, but then I realized how blessed I am at this very moment.  I have no right to complain about anything.

Do you remember this post?  http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2014/10/19/heart-i-am-all-ears-and-no-blame-please-talk-to-me/

I will summarize:  I was contemplating 1) Taking my mother to Israel for her 80th birthday and 2) upgrading to a 2 bedroom apartment.  I was fearful and unsure if I should go ahead and do it.  I am normally completely sure of big decisions.  The little decisions are the ones that give me trouble.  But this time I was somewhat frozen.

I am so incredibly happy to report that at this moment I am painting and moving into my new 2 bedroom apartment.  I am totally in love with it.  The super of the building told me yesterday:  ‘You are going to be very happy here.  You have worked hard for it”.  I was a little surprised by his comments, because he only knows me for the past 3 years.  He doesn’t really know how really hard I have worked in the past.  But his words rang true and felt good.  I said to myself: I do deserve this!

Five minutes ago I finalized the details of the trip to Israel!! My mother cried with joy.  She is so excited to go.  I am so excited to be able to afford her this dream.  Nothing pleases me more than making my loved ones happy.  I will trade anything for my mom and dad’s smile.

“We are designed with a dreaming brain and a hopeful spirit; it is our nature to envision the life of our dreams. And while dreaming comes easy to us, we must never forget that it takes strength, dedication, and courageous action to bring that dream to life”― Steve Maraboli,

The buying of the apartment has been a long and arduous process.  I want to tell you guys about it before but I didn’t want to jinx it.  I felt that if I talked too much about it somehow things wouldn’t work out.  Go figure!

I will write more about the above, but for now I just wanted to shout my happiness from the rooftop.

I want you to celebrate with me as you are a part of it!  In my moments of doubt and fear your good thoughts and positive comments helped me stay the course and helped the Universe to conspire and make this apartment and this trip true.  My heartfelt thank you!

“You have had a dream for so many years. Let today be the day you make a plan for it. Just think about how much more likely you are to hit your target when you finally aim at it.”― Steve Maraboli

 

 

Are we all addicted to something?

10 Tuesday Mar 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“We love the things that destroy us, because in that destruction we truly feel alive.” ― Robert Pobi, Bloodman

I have been online dating on and off for the past 3 years.  It has been enlightening!  I have met a lot of good guys and a few guys that turned out to be valuable lessons.

If you read my previous 2 posts you are aware that the last guy I met told me that he does drugs on occasion (well he has mentioned that it has been a long time, but I am inclined not to believe that).  We have, against all odds, become friends, or perhaps I should say friendly.  We had dinner Friday and it was fun.

On Saturday this new guy contacted me. After some back and forth emails he asked me: “Do your party?”

I thought the question was odd, and I sensed something illicit about it.  I replied asking him to explain what he meant, and at the same time I consulted the Urban Dictionary.  I was correct: he was asking me if I did drugs.  I explained to him that that was something I was not interested in and after a few pleasant emails we said good bye.

Is this social drug using a new thing or for some reason it is only now that I am actually becoming aware of it?  And why all of a sudden I am encountering this?

So I looked at what these 2 guys have in common in an attempt to perhaps find out where am I going wrong.

  • They are both younger than me, one is 43, and the other is 41. Should I date my age and older only?
  • They are both from well to do backgrounds. Should I date people that, like me, come from poorer backgrounds?
  • They are both well accomplished in their careers and with great disposable income. One is a healthcare executive and the other is a corporate attorney.   Should I look for guys struggling in their careers and living paycheck to paycheck?
  • They are both well traveled and have tasted the finer things in life. Should I look for guys that have not experienced a lot?

It would be great if it was that simple, but drugs knows no age, gender, income level, etc.  Some people may be able to actually only use it socially and not let it control their life.  But to me that is a slippery slope that I rather not get involved in or get involved romantically with anyone that is involved with.

I don’t think I have been doing anything wrong or sending the wrong signals.  My profile clearly states that I do not do drugs, do not smoke and drink only socially.  I think these 2 guys are lessons in what can happen when one gets to a point where they keep craving more and more excitement.  To me they are cautionary tales.  While they are still performing their jobs well, their personal lives seems to be a quest for the excess, more drugs, more girls, the most expensive restaurants, more, more, more.

I don’t ever want to be that way, that jaded, that hooked on craving some illusory high. I like being crazy happy over my bread and butter in the morning, or listening to a favorite song, or talking to my family on the phone. I like being high on a glass of wine or dancing to that favorite song or kissing that one guy that the chemistry is out of control.

Are addicts trying to escape something or trying to embrace something? Is there such a deep pain that needs numbing? Or is there some numbness that needs some awakening it? Is this all about control? about getting close to the edge and not falling over?

I just keep thinking that they are smart enough to know better.

“When you can stop you don’t want to, and when you want to stop, you can’t…” ― Luke Davies, Candy

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On a funny note and to illustrate how I need to pay more attention to whatever I am doing at the moment:

I have been searching for a primary care physician.   After procrastinating for over a year I finally take a look at the list of doctors in the Oxford directory and choose one not too far from my town.  As usual I was probably doing that while balancing my checkbook and cleaning the house instead of just focusing on the selecting a doctor.

On the day of the appointment I leave work early to get there early and fill out all the many new patient forms. While waiting I am watching the different ads on TV while browsing some magazine.  I finish the forms, pay my co-pay, wait some more then the nurse calls me.  I answer all her questions and then she says: get undressed from the waist down, sit on the exam table and the doctor will be right in.  I look at the table while thinking: undressing from the waist down? and realize it is a gynecological exam table!

Finally it all hits me:  the waiting room filled with printed information regarding how to avoid getting pregnant, the TV ads on how to get pregnant, all the questions regarding my period, the undressing from the waist down, the gynecological exam table.  So I ask: is this for a gynecological exam? and the nurse says yes.

I explain that I don’t need one. I am very happy with my gynecologist and I am in need of a full physical. I ask her if they offer that, thinking that perhaps I was just given the wrong doctor.  She says they are just a gynecological office.  So I get back out, get my co-pay back and I am again doctor-less.

Looking back, everything about the waiting room screamed gynecologist. I keep telling myself that I need to pay more attention, more attention to what I am doing, more attention to my surroundings, more attention to whatever needs my attention at the moment.

Right now as I am writing this, I am watching TV, making a list of things to do at work, having a snack, browsing online dating profiles and packing.  I know I am not doing justice to any of it, not even to you because I know my writing could be better if I paid attention to it.

Admitting I have a problem is the first step. I am addicted to multi-tasking, if there is such a thing.  I am addicted to the idea of not wanting to waste time.  I want to do everything right now!  Perhaps I am no better than a drug user, perhaps my drug is just a different one.  I just crave a different high: how many items can I cross off of my list?

And wouldn’t you know it, I am smart enough to know better!

“Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or idealism.” ― C.G. Jung