“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.”
― Rick Warren
It is amazing the tricks the Universe plays on us. I just wrote the previous post about having no feelings about Ex and then all of a sudden I have doubts.
As I have mentioned I have just moved apartments, so I am in the process of organizing stuff. Tonight I decided to focus on documents, etc. All of a sudden I open a folder and there is a folded letter inside. As I open it I recognize Ex’s handwriting.
My heart sinks. I know I just wrote about not having feelings regarding his texting me, but what if I was wrong? At first I didn’t even remember ever receiving this letter. I made sure to destroy/erase anything he sent. I guess I missed this one.
Am I really over him? I braced myself, expecting the worst and I start reading it.
As I read the letter I remember exactly how I felt when I read it the first time. I felt happy and validated when I read the word love. At that time I still wanted validation to all the love I had for him and for the fairy-tale relationship I thought we had. The word love meant hope, perhaps there is still a future.
Then I remember feeling insulted as he was still not acknowledging the cheating. He was still not being honest, perhaps not even with himself.
That was what I felt then, September 2013. Now there are no feelings. Nothing! 🙂
Here is the letter:
“I love you
I always have and I always will.
For 2 1/2 years I was pretty good at loving you and holding the rest of my life together.
The last few months, I was not as good and I will never be able to make it up to you or explain how disappointed in myself that I am.
Currently, I have not pulled the rest of my life together and many things have worsened.
You are an exceptional and wonderful person and lady that deserves better than me and I realize how lucky and fortunate that I was to be in your life, even for just a few years.
I will always provide you with anything I can, just let me know if you need anything.”
A few months ago I wouldn’t have been able to read it without crying. Now it is meaningless as if I don’t even know the sender and recipient.
What remains at this point is gratitude. Gratitude for what we had and gratitude for letting me go!
I have forgiven him a long time ago and I am happy that time has allowed me to forget!
“Forgetting is something time alone takes care of, but forgiveness is an act of volition, and only the sufferer is qualified to make the decision” ― Simon Wiesenthal