When you think you have a friend …

07 Monday May 2012

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So I have this married ex-client that sends me instant messages throughout the day.  He made me believe (perhaps I am) that I am somewhat inspirational to him with all my positive thinking and talking. And I enjoyed this motivational role, because the truth whatever I tell him is exactly what I need to hear.

4 years ago we used to communicate, via instant messaging, before (4 years or more ago) our conversations got a little racy. My rationale was: I am single and not doing anything wrong, and this is just words.  And it was, never met this person in person.

Now I am single again and still don’t think I would be doing anything wrong, but as I age and mature I have started to ask why more often.  So why would I choose to embark in that kind of conversation with him? I cannot see any good coming out of it.

What is the point? I know I have a fertile imagination and know the right words to say to a man, but what will be my reward?  Or better yet, will I feel proud of myself.  NO, a big resounding no!

Which brings me to right now.  He just sent me a question, which he prefaced by writing: hey a quick “over the line question”    and preceded to ask the question. (which is: do I know what a rabbit is and do I own one)

Well, it has been 10 minutes since he asked and I am proud to say that impulsive me hasn’t replied yet.

I am considering my reply options:

Do I just block him from future contact?

Do I tell him that I am not going there? Which by the day I have done many times before, and that he seems to forget.

Do I ignore it completely and only reply if he comes up with other type of conversation?

Here is what I ended up saying:

“not going there and I have told you before”

Oh my Gosh, he is slow, here is his reply:

“I know you have a toy was asking specifically about the rabbit”

I guess I didn’t make myself clear on what I told him before (that I don’t want that kind of talk).  Who knows what I have told him 4 years ago.  I guess there is not a lot happening in his life that he still remembers those conversations.

So I said:

I have told you before that I am not going to have those conversations!!!!!!!

His reply:

OK OK relax…..it was not meant as a bad thing don’t take it that way

 My reply:

I am sorry, I guess it is not a good day for me to relax. I said I am not going there and you keep going there, so perhaps is best not to talk.

After 1 hour he replied:

    Im sorry you feel that way
have a good day

And with that he logged off.

And that is that. When you think you have a friend that is able to look beyond male and female sexual tensions and focus on the relationship and the healthy exchange of words, you get a wakeup call reminding you that most (notice I didn’t say all) men just have one thing in their minds.

Good riddance!  I don’t need to think I have a friend when all I have is a guy that is trying to get into my pants or at least into my erotic mind.

***

I am not a prude, but I decided long ago not to play with anything that is not mine. I wouldn’t want anyone having spicy conversations with my boyfriend (if I had one)

 

Confusion

07 Monday May 2012

Posted by in Poetry

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I confused what I wanted with what I needed

I confused control with attention

I confused manipulation with love

I confused narcissism with confidence

I confused appearance with content

I confused intelligence with arrogance

I confused illusions with facts

I confused a cold mind with a bleeding heart

I confused ephemeral with everlasting

I confused never again with maybe

I confused you with the one

May God Bless the Confused Soul!!

Review: Kykuit-The Rockefeller Estate – 4 stars

06 Sunday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Reviews

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Kykuit is the house that John D. Rockefeller built for his family in the Hudson Valley. It is a magnificent property with extensive gardens with tons of sculptures throughout.  It sits at the top of Kykuit Hill with majestic views. John D. Rockefeller was the founder of Standard Oil, now Exxon.

They offer a variety of tours. We chose the Grand Tour which is the one that you get to see the most of the house and gardens.  It is impressive the architecture and the collection of Modern Art in the gallery in the basement.

My favorite part was the gardens and all its sculptures. The sculputres all from the 20th century belonged to Nelson Rockefeller.  He was NY’s Governor and also US’s Vice President under Gerald Ford. He was a lover of the Arts, of well knows artists, such as Picasso, but also unkown NY artists.

We also got to see the Carriage House that now houses a collection on Antique cars and carriages.

The guide was very knowledgeable and really gave us a background on the house and all the families that lived there (4 generations of the Rockefeller family).

The tour lasted 3 hours and went by very fast. I highly recommend it!!

Please see my other blog for the pictures taken there http://listuniverse.wordpress.com/

Today I woke up singing

05 Saturday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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Today I caught myself singing a Brazilian song written by Chico Buarque de Hollanda in 1976.  It is called “Olhos nos Olhos” “Eye to Eye”

and here is the part I caught myself singing:

Olhos no olhos, quero ver o que você faz
Ao sentir que sem você passo bem demais
E que venho até remoçando
Me pego cantando
Sem mais nem porquê

Here is my loose translation:

Eye to eye, I want to see what you do
When you realize that without you I live very well
that I am even getting younger
and I catch myself singing
For no reason at all”

**

Amazing how, unconsciously, that is where my mind is.  Me, that never sings would wake up singing that song, that part is to me a sign.  A sign of growth and recovery and happiness.

Thank you God and Universe for the rehabilition of my cells, to the the renewal of each day, for the knowledge, experience and certainty, that this minute was better than the one before and that the next minute will be even better.

***

Here is the whole song and my loose translation:

Quando você me deixou, meu bem
Me disse pra ser feliz e passar bem
Quis morrer de ciúme, quase enlouqueci
Mas depois, como era de costume, obedeci
Quando você me quiser rever
Já vai me encontrar refeita, pode crer
Olhos no olhos, quero ver o que você faz
Ao sentir que sem você passo bem demais
E que venho até remoçando
Me pego cantando
Sem mais nem porquê
E tantas águas rolaram
Quantos homens me amaram
Bem mais e melhor que você
Quando talvez precisar de mim
‘Ce sabe a casa é sempre sua, venha sim
Olhos nos olhos, quero ver o que você diz
Quero ver como suporta me ver tão feliz

translation:

When you left me, my dear
You told me to be happy and be well
I wanted to die of jealousy, almost went crazy
but later, as I was used to, I obeyed

When you want to see me again
You are going to find me renewed, you better believe
Eye to eye, I want to see what you do
When you realize that without you I live very well
that I am even getting younger
and I catch myself singing
For no reason at all

and so many things have come and gone
so many men have loved me
more and better than you

When, perhaps, you will need me
you know the door is always open, do come
eye to eye, I want to see what you say
I want to see how so you stand to see me so happy

****

Is there a song that you find yourself singing for no reason?

 

Review Documentary: What I Want My Words to Do to You – 4 1/2 stars

05 Saturday May 2012

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This is a documentary done in 2003 featuring the Writing Group of Bedford Hills Correctional Facility in Bedford Hills, NY.

Eve Ensler had conducted a 4 year writing program with the women of the facility by the time this documentary was done. Eve Ensler, you may recall,  she is known for writing The Vagina Monologues (which I never saw, but I think I will track it down and see it)

the documentary showed the women participating in a series of exercises and discussions about the crimes they committed, their guilt and the reality of living behind bars.

It ended with several actresses including Glenn Close and Marisa Tomei among others, performing the women’s writing for the inmates in prison.

I highly recommend it to every woman, actually, to everyone.

It  was very powerful.  It hit me very hard.  I cried at varies points while watching it.  I realized how much I have in common with women sitting in prison.  Not only I, but we all have a lot in common, but for some reason we make the right decision at the right moment.

One thing most of them had in common was they didn’t think they had any other choices. And that is where I differ from those women.  I know I have choices and I plan on taking full advantage of them.

But the truly sad part is to realize that there are a lot more people that are imprisoned but invisible walls that they put up.  Anyway, that is a topic for another post.

Gotta go to sleep now.

 

You

04 Friday May 2012

Posted by in EX Files, Fiction, Poetry

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I imagine you

I met you

I dream you

I see you

I breath you

I wake up you

I go to sleep you

I eat you

I drink you

I walk you

I talk you

I think you

I love you

I lost you

I never had you

I miss you

I try to forget you

 

oh Pleeease!!! Your love is worthless

03 Thursday May 2012

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so Ex has sent me a couple of texts, saying that I looked sexy last time he saw me and trying to invite himself over, to which I told him the truth, which he doesn’t really deserve, but telling the truth is how I choose to live, here is my e-mail reply:

“I am hurting (well, you know that), still crying over the loss of “us” every single day

 I looked the other way so many times, with D. I pretended it was not happening, but celebrating anniversaries with M. was just the nail on my coffin

 I can’t understand what have I done to deserve this from you

 Right now praying every day to preserve our friendship and the love that I still feel for you and that you never had for me”

Here is his reply:

“I love you very much

 Always have, always will

 I know that we reached a point that I was unable to be the person you wanted me to be

 Perhaps at some point I may be able to

 You can and do think a lot of things, but never think that you are not loved and though about every single day of my life, many times”

Can you believe this reply?  I guess that worst than a person lying to others is a person that lies to himself. Is either that or he is a total psychopath.

So I am not even bothering replying anything at this point, because, obviously he wouldn’t know truth and honesty if came up and bit him in the face, but let me just point out the obvious on his reply:

He says he loves me very much.  Words are cheap and easy.  His actions do not demonstrate that.

He says that he was not the person I wanted him to be. Amazing how he turns it around like I was the one unhappy one and the one with problems. But I guess in a way he is right, I wanted a man I could trust.  I wanted an honest man, that would be faithful, and that would think that I alone was good enough for him. I wanted a man that could keep it in his pants.

He says: perhaps at some point I will be able to (be the person I want him to be).  Sorry that ship has sailed.  After trying, trying and trying some more, I had to face the truth that he just doesn’t want me. But it is really clever how he tries to keep me going with promises of a future. How he keeps dangling the carrot in front of me.  Sorry, that carrot is no longer appealing.

He says: that I can think of many things except that I am not loved and thought about daily.  Funny freaking way of showing his love.  Lets count the ways: 1)by having all sorts of women coming to the house, 2)taking all sorts of women on dates, 3)by lying to my face many times, including saying that he wanted to be alone to focus on his business and children, 4)by saying that he was not doing anything for me, with me on Valentine’s Day because he didn’t want to send me the wrong message, 5)celebrating anniversaries with at least 1 woman, yep on the 22nd of May it will be 2 happy months with M., and so many other ways the loves and thinks of me daily, but I will not bore you with anymore details.

YES, HE REALLY LOVES ME!!!

please remind me: why am still trying to preserve a friendship with him??

Do I look for love or do I let it find me?

03 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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This is the question that I have been pondering over lately.

Do I active seek love or just go about my business and let it find me?

And when I say “love” I mean soul mate, my partner for life, I don’t mean just a date or a roll in the hay.

Because the truth is, I don’t need a boyfriend, but I want one. I do plenty of stuff alone and I adore my own company.  But there are a lot moments where it would be could to have a partner.

I am already happy, so I don’t need someone to make me happy.  I want someone to share my happiness.

Getting back to love finding me, it should be pretty easy, one would think, since I have been blessed with a star on my forehead.  But what I realize that only the special someone will see the star and find me.

Now the question is: Where is he?

Did he give up looking for me and married somebody else?

I thought I had found him, but the truth is I wanted him so much that I made him up. Ex was so charming that I figure this is it.

So, right now I am on e-Harmony. But sometimes it just smells of desperation, of offering myself.

I like to think that I am being pro-active, like they say about the Lottery, you have to be in it to win it, so I guess this is my way of being in it!.

So are you actively pursuing love or are you waiting until it finds you?

I am not voting for you!

02 Wednesday May 2012

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As I am walking on the train platform waiting for my train to come to work in NY, this man approaches me, hands me a card and says:

I am running for Congress.

That is fine, until he added: beautiful lady!  Well I love a compliment but this didn’t feel like one.

The way he said it and looked at me it just made me feel uneasy.

Now I am not a prude and I enjoy harmless flirting, but this rubbed me so wrong.

I can’t imagine this man in Congress.

He is either a creep trying to get women or perhaps just dumb, at either case he should not be in Congress.

I do expect a lot from out politicians and people in power.  I expect they set an example.  I cannot believe that everyone already forgot about Clinton and how he is welcomed and cherished.  Does anyone remember what he did? And I am sure we don’t know the full extent of it. 

ok, ok, he is only human, some may say. I do agree people are allowed to make mistakes, but it seems that we just forgiving him for being a man, a man in power.  I guess it has come to be expected that is what they do.

What about John Edwards? Did his wife deserve that? She deserve honesty, as any person in a relationship.  If he is willing to betray the person that is standing by him, carrying his children, doing everything for me, what is he willing to do to the American people?

Am I perfect? no, but one thing I try to do is deal in honesty.  It just so much easier!

Why is free so attractive?

01 Tuesday May 2012

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Every now and then there are people standing outside Grand Central Station (NY) handing out free samples of things such as headache medication, juices, etc.

I, like most people, just take it and later I will decide it if I want it or need it. What if I pass it up and it turns out it is something great.

R, one of my co-workers once mentioned he never takes anything that is being hand out.  He said: “if terrorists really wanted to get to us all they needed to do was stand outside Grand Central and hand out poison and we would willingly take it”.

He has a point, but still it hasn’t stopped me from grabbing whatever they give out.

This morning it was Emmi Swiss yogurt and Ricola cherry cough drops. I have been into Greek yogurt lately so I am not sure Swiss yogurt is for me, specially since the flavor they gave me was Green Apple.  If I ever try it I will let you know.

What about you?  Are you excited to get free stuff?