Lucky me! I saw Ex and got to meet the new girlfriend! :(

10 Monday Sep 2012

Posted by in Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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As I had mentioned before I had  been staying away from the US Open this year for fear of running into Ex. We share a loge box so we would be seated together if I went and used my seats.  The only day that I thought I was safe to go was on the second Friday which is the Women’s Semi Final’s day because no one cares to watch that.  He has never attended it.

So on Friday morning I was having a very frustrating day at work and with some additional personal problems that I was getting nowhere in trying to get resolved I decide to just leave it behind and go to the Open.  I still had the tickets, because as I mentioned you can’t give them away, let alone sell it. So I decided to go.

I get there and I am sitting and enjoying the match when all of a sudden there is a tap on my shoulder as someone says my name.  I turn around and I am face to face with Ex.  I think I stopped breathing for a second. I was shell shocked.  He said: How are you? I said fine thanks. He says to the woman sitting next to him: I recognized her by the ring!  I was wearing this big blue daisy cocktail ring.

And of course the woman next to him is the new girlfriend.  He points to her and says to me: this is M. Of course I knew her name but had never seen her face.  She extended her hand, I shook it and said hello, smiled and immediately turned to the front to continue watching the game.  I was shaking. I had a million emotions go through me in the space of seconds. To have 2 of the last people you ever want to see sitting behind you is very disconcerting.  He tapped me again on the shoulder and said he was going to get water if I wanted anything.  humm, do I want anything? Can you give me a order of you and your girlfriend disappearing from my face?

I have to say that this new girlfriend strikes me as being a good person, probably too good for him. I felt like warning her. But of course it is none of my business. I truly wish them both happiness, I just don’t want to witness it.

I didn’t last long sitting there.  I gathered my stuff got up and left without making eye contact. I stood outside recomposing myself. I think I was outside for 15 minutes deciding if I would go home or not.  I decided to return and do what I had intended from the beginning: watch a game that I love.

I went back and sat down and concentrated on the game.  After awhile I heard them leaving and I thanked heaven.  But after 1 hr they returned. But by then I was doing better.  Until she gets up and goes somewhere and he taps me on the shoulder to make small talk.  He asks me how my tennis is going. I try as best as I could to form some coherent sentence. I said something about tennis lessons going well, then I said lessons were over.  I felt my speech slurred.  Thank God the game re-stared and I turned around to watch it.  But at that moment when I turned around, I could feel the tears flooding my eyes and I fought hard not to start crying.  I was successful.

When the game was over we all got up and again he tapped my arm and said bye and she said nice to meet you and honestly I don’t remember if I  said anything back or not.

Later that night he sends me a text:

“You look great and it was very nice to see you.  I am sorry if I said or did anything that made you uncomfortable.  There were so many things I want to talk to you about but I will refrain until you tell me it is ok, love you, good night.”

I saw his text the following morning and immediately it hit me and I managed to control the tears.  I know it is okay to cry but lately I am trying to hold back unless I am facing my wailing wall http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/09/06/1327/ .  Each time I cry it feels I am giving him power.  I know that the tears now have a different meaning.  They are no longer tears of sadness and longing.  It is mostly tears of anger.

I tried my best not to reply.  I reached out to the one person that I felt would understand me best without judging any of my feelings.  I felt he would set me straight and convince me to continue to remain silent.  He was not available!  That is the problem with relying on others for strength.  What happens when they are not available or willing? So from now on complete reliance in me and the God within me!

So unfortunately I replied.  I know, I know, that was a temporary step back on my progress. But now it is done. And I cannot undo the past.

Here is the stupidity that I replied to him last night:

“If you only knew the extent of my pain! I don’t know from where the tears still come from.  You two look happy together! I wish you both only the best! May she make you happy like I was not able to! May you respect her like you you did not respect me!”

After 10 minutes I added: (yep, mistake number 2)

“I just wish I could understand what happened with the love you said you had for me.”

I sent the texts and went to bed crying.  I cried myself to sleep! I promise it is the last time!!

Of course he has not replied!  and I am okay with that.  I didn’t expect he would.  He doesn’t like to be questioned.  Any time I had any questions he would go into avoidance and silence mode. Yep, those should have been big clues.  I am also happy and relieved that he didn’t reply because I shouldn’t be having any conversations with him.

And of course I know better than to reply to him!  I know that he doesn’t know what love is! I know that he has no conscience of how he disrespected me!  And the most important:  It does not matter what answers he may be able to give me! Nothing will change!  I am over and done with that part of my life! I am better! In fact I should really thank him for letting me go.

***

But I think that all these happenings help me to continue to move forward!  Even if replying to his text was a mistake, I am not dwelling on that!

Amid all the pain and tears this weekend I had great moments!  I watched some great tennis matches!

Also I went out to dinner with a great guy.  We have gone out several times now and it has been a lot fun! Since I don’t want to jinx it I will refrain from writing too much about it at this moment!

I may end up having to eat my words when I wrote this:  http://listuniverse.wordpress.com/2012/06/07/10-reasons-not-to-date-a-younger-guy/

(all images from Google images)

 

My personal Wailing Wall

06 Thursday Sep 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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US Open Tennis is one of my favorite times of the year; but this year is different.  There are still too many memories there.  Memories can be such a double edged sword.  I feel blessed God gave me memory so I can look back and reflect how blessed I have been.  But reflecting on good times can be painful.  Are my memories correct?  Was I that happy? Was I that in love?  Was it all just an illusion?  Did I just dream everything up?

***

My personal Wailing wall

Every Saturday and Sunday and sometimes an evening during the week I go to a Middle School on the other side of my town to hit balls against a wall.  It is crazy that I haven’t been able to find a hitting partner, but I try not to dwell on that and be happy that at least I have this wall.

I found this wall right in the beginning of the break up.  It was a time when I was in unbelievable pain. I was feeling sorry and sad for myself.  It was a pain over the loss of Ex, the love, the house, the life I once knew.  I was lost and trying not to fall apart.  I was still trying to figure out how to reconstruct my life and was feeling like I would never feel whole again (truth be told I still wonder about that!)

Originally I felt this wall was a replacement for the backboard, tennis court and partner/instructor that I had. I felt blessed to have found a substitute.  But I realized this wall has became much more than that! This wall has become more than an inanimate object; it has become a friend and therapist.  It has become a constant source of support in my life – it is amazing the things that may sustain us in times of need.

This separation/break up seems like such an endless pain. It ebbs and flows.  When I think I am fully recovered it hits me again.    All of a sudden, a word, a picture, a smell, anything will trigger the memories and the feeling of pain and loss.  Lately anger has started to make an appearance too.

As a partner, the wall is the best because it returns every single ball!  As a therapist it listens and gives me the space and silence to figure out the answers myself.  As a friend it is always there for me whenever I need it without requiring anything back.

This wall is my own personal Wailing Wall.  I cry, I lament the loss of the relationship and all the perks that I had with the relationship.  I wine, I explain and rationalize.  I say everything I won’t dare say to anybody else.  After all, it has been 10 months; I should be over this already.  I don’t think anyone cares to hear anything else about it anymore.  Frankly I myself cannot stand to think of him and his name again.  It gets to a point that you realize that life doesn’t stop and wait for you to get over it.  I feel I should be embarrassed to be mentioning it again, when it should be just history and just a faint memory.

And yet, every time I am alone with my thoughts hitting balls against the wall I find myself going back to the same unanswered question:  What happened?

Things have gotten better over the months; I noticed the crying and lamenting slowing down and giving way to just happiness and newness.  The wall has now become my confidant and as such it is just the best. It welcomes everything I say with absolutely no judgment.

So this post is giving credit to another lifesaver, which along with blogging(bloggers), my sister and a few friends has pulled me up when I was down.

Our interaction goes something like this:

I get there and start hitting against it! I start thinking of the tennis court I used to have, and then I think of the lies and disrespect.  I get sad (and lately angry) and I start crying, then I realize that I cannot see the ball clearly through tears.  I tell myself that I need to snap out of it!  I realize that 2 minutes of crying is more than enough.  I wipe my tears away and concentrate on my hitting.  I start counting my blessings one by one! I have the feeling of gratitude fill me and my mood is completely restored.

I long for the day that I will have no memories of and about Ex.

Thank you Wall for what you have done and continue to do for me!

Awards, Awards, and more Awards!

24 Friday Aug 2012

Posted by in AWARDS

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Hi you all! I am sorry I have been silent, but is US Open Tennis time and I have to make sure that I get all my tickets sold, so that is what I have been occupying my time with (besides work, tennis, Zumba and Pilates).

After September 10th things should normalize and I will be back to my usual blogging self. I will be back to my crying over my broken heart.  I have to tell you some times it seems the pain will never end!!

but moving on …

I have been fooling myself way too long thinking that I will get a chance to work on the many awards I have been receiving.  Now is the time to just go ahead and give that idea up and at least take the time to acknowledge the great people and blogs that have nominated me.

They are all great blogs in their own unique ways.  I urge you to stop by check them out!

And here they are in no specific order:

Regeneration Award v2

The Regeneration Award

The Last song I heard – http://thelastsongiheard.wordpress.com/regenerations/

The Fabulous Blog Ribbon Award

Inside the Writer – http://insidethewriter.wordpress.com/2012/06/29/fabulous-blogger-award/

One Lovely Blog Award

easyondeyes – http://easyondeyes.wordpress.com/2012/06/30/ooooo-and-were-lovely-too/

Armoured Up  –http://armouredup.wordpress.com/2012/07/24/one-lovely-blog-award/

Clanmother – http://clanmother.com/2012/07/27/one-lovely-blog-award/

Dear Kitty – http://dearkitty1.wordpress.com/2012/08/09/one-lovely-blog-award-thanks-george-b/

The Commentator Award

Lyn Leahz – http://lynleahz.com/2012/06/29/reader-appreciation-award/

One Lovely Blog Award

Parashar’s Tales – http://parasharstales.wordpress.com/about/

Inside the Writer – http://insidethewriter.wordpress.com/2012/06/13/one-lovely-blogger-award/

Thoughts of a lunatic – http://thoughtsofalunatic.wordpress.com/

The Versatile Blogger Award

Introspections During Quiet Time – http://introspectionsduringquiettime.wordpress.com/2012/07/17/award-1-the-versatile-blogger/

Very Inspiring Blogger Award

ReconstructingChristina – http://reconstructingchristina.com/2012/07/29/the-very-inspiring-blogger-award/

Juleesaninja – http://juleesaninja.wordpress.com/2012/07/31/very-inspiring-blogger-award/

Magnolia Beginnings – http://magnoliabeginnings.org/2012/08/08/very-inspiring-blogger-award/

Help-me-Rhonda – http://help-me-rhonda.com/2012/08/13/four-more-and-seven-tears-ago/

Tina’s Blog – http://tinaliu90.com/2012/08/17/liebster-award-11-question-tag/

Why am I judging? … am I perfect?

15 Wednesday Aug 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I am a work in progress, and sometimes it feels like there is so much work to be done!!

Today I find myself being very judgmental! I am ashamed of that! Who am I do judge anyone? Who is anyone to judge anyone?

Of course I know better, but sometimes thoughts creep in even,  and before I know it I am forming opinions and judging based on those opinions.   The moment I catch myself doing that I admonish myself!

Case 1) I passed a beggar (I hate that word!) on the street.  He was a man probably in his early 40s, other than missing half of a leg he seemed to be in great health.  He is standing on the corner of 30th Street and Madison Avenue and he is shaking a paper cup that sounds like there are couple of coins in it!

I had noticed him approaching me and extending his cup.  The first thing I noticed about him was how young and health looking he appeared.  I would probably just walk on by, were not for the light turning red.

Standing there waiting for the light to turn green gave me a chance to have all sorts of thoughts and pass all kinds of judgment.

a)      I felt blessed for having both of my legs.

b)      I sympathized with him since my own father had to have his leg amputated due to a battle with cancer, which by the way he won!  Cancer took his leg, but not his life!

c)       But unfortunately I also judged him.  After watching Oscar Pistorius running on the Olympics without both legs why is this guy not working? Perhaps a better question is why am I comparing this man standing on a corner with an elite athlete?

I have to remind myself that each one of us are born with our own crosses to bear.  Some find strength in the difficulty, welcome the challenge and thrive. Other’s use their shortcomings as a crutch, an excuse to give up on life; while still other’s try their hardest but cannot overcome the cards they are dealt.

I reached in my purse and pulled some cash and gave to him, and by now the light having turned green I went on my way.  I am ashamed to say that I now realized that I never looked into his eyes and face.  I gave money to make myself feel better, but I never gave him the respect that he deserved as a fellow human being sharing this earth with me.  I thank God for giving me the wisdom to understand the wrong in my actions. I promise to do better next time, to be more thoughtful, more human!

Case 2) A friend needs my financial help.  It is not the first time and, sadly, it will not be his last.  I am going to help him, because this person is like a brother to me and if I had only 1 last dollar left I would share with him.  But I wish I could just help and not pass judgment.  I am helping but I felt the need to point out how I would have done things differently and had to have all kinds of questions on the way he is spending his money.  I fail to grasp that I have been blessed with a great job and haven’t had to endure the kind of employment problems he has had.

I should either help and let it go or just not help.  I know that!  And yet I can’t!

Case 3) Yesterday I am in the train at the end of the day when I get a call from work from a my assistant and from a couple of the brokers telling me that the internet is down and asking how to find and connect the wi-fi.  I see myself getting incensed.  First, I had made a point of telling my assistant where the wi-fi was and how to use it so that she would be ready if need be.  Second, they failed to contact our internet provider and to check our equipment in the server room, which should have been steps 1 and 2 before anything else.

And then I have to remember that we all can forget things.  I have to remind myself that I have caught myself forgetting about details that I should known better.  But my assistant is not perfect, and neither am I!

Case 4) Also in the train last night there was this woman speaking so loud.  Just so happen that she was Brazilian and I could understand everything she was saying.  She was badmouthing someone on the phone.  I was getting so aggravated by everything about her, her voice, what she was saying.  Why talk so loud? Is she clueless?  She is a couple of rows ahead to me so I cannot see her, just hear her.

Then I get up to exit and catch sight of her.  She was extremely obese and I think: instead of badmouthing someone so loudly on the phone she should be exercising!!

One would think that I am a soft spoken skinny girl.  Wrong on both counts!  I have to control my voice when excited about a topic or when angry.  The scale is not my friend, we have engaged in terrible battles!

Case 5) Of course I have to mention the Ex.  I long for the day that I will have no feelings about him.  I want him to be “just someone I knew”.  Lately I am mostly angry and judgmental when I think of him. How dare he do the things he did? Why continue to lie about it and behave as nothing happened?

I need to stop judging him and his actions.  Nothing will change the past. And I don’t even want to change anything.  I have learned a lot and I am much better off now.  Still my mind drifts to the past, outraged at his actions, his words, his lies.

What makes me want to be judge and jury some times?  Is that to forget about my own shortcomings?  Do I think I am superior, better than others? Do I do it innocently?

I guess all of the above.  I am trying to learn more about me and the world around me.  The more I learn the more I realize there is so much more to learn and so much more for me to do in the quest to a better self.

Still I am being positive and thinking that coming to the realization that I can be too judgmental at times is a huge step in the right direction.  I cannot control the thoughts that come into my mind, but I can control my actions as a result of those thoughts!

Everything Olympics, Atlanta, Kenny Chesney… A week in my life

11 Saturday Aug 2012

Posted by in Daily Life

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It feels like ages since I have written anything.  I feel like I am neglecting a best friend.  Truth is I have been paying too much attention to the Olympics, but since it happens only once every 4 years I think my neglect should not only be understandable, but acceptable.

So I will give you a brief summary of what I have been up to:

Last weekend I went to Atlanta to see my friend from here http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/05/29/first-e-harmony-date/  and here http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/06/12/june-12-dia-dos-namorados/

I had a lot fun.  No, there is still not love connection, as I knew it wouldn’t be.  I made sure he knew I was going as a friend.  He understood and behaved accordingly, as I knew he would, otherwise I wouldn’t have made the trip.

While there I went to Coca-Cola World. It was fun trying out all the different types of soda from all over the world and trying to find the Brazilian memorabilia among so many.  I enjoyed taking a picture with the Polar Bear – yes I act according to my surroundings, so taking a picture with Polar Bear was a must.  Still think they should come up with a name for him!

My friend is getting his pilot’s license, so we went flying on a small one engine 4-seater. Never again if I can help it! I found out that even though I love flying, small planes are not for me. It was windy and I got dizzy and nauseous and couldn’t wait to be on firm ground.

This week there was a lot of the same with Olympics watching, work, Tennis, Zumba and Pilates.

I have tickets for today’s Brothers of the Sun Tour with Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw, and for a second was extremely excited that my long distance friend would just drop everything, jump on a plane and go with me. I tried to sweeten the pot with a Broadway show, but reality won and he didn’t come!

So I right now I am scrambling to find somebody to go with me, sell or give them away. Craigslist is looking more and more attractive.  I definitely don’t want to go alone. I went to see Kanye West alone and had a lot fun, but don’t want to go alone to this one.

I am looking forward to the Olympics this weekend. I can’t wait to watch the final of the Women’s Indoor Volleyball match. It is a repeat of last Olympics, where Brazil came out on top.  May the best team win!!  As a dual citizen I am happy with either team winning, but the US has so many medals already that I can’t help but secretly wish Brazil to win! I am also looking forward to the Men’s soccer final Brazil vs Mexico.

Also looking forward to the closing ceremony as Brazil will receive the torch!  I can’t wait for Olympics 2016 in Brazil!

02 Thursday Aug 2012

Posted by in Daily Life

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My other blog was feeling a bit neglected, so here is a new post! 🙂

A Star on the Forehead's avatarMy Life in Lists

The past several months have been emotionally tumultuous for me.  After almost 3 years living with Ex, he asked me to move out when I confronted him with my suspicions of his extracurricular activities.  I was in shock!  There were no conversations about trying to work things out.   There was nothing!  He didn’t want to talk about it and kept saying that he needed to be alone to concentrate on his businesses.

I was devastated and wondering what had just happened!  For months I searched for answers, for reasons.  I never got one.   As the months passes life is getting better.  My heart still has moments of hurt.  My mind still has moments of questions.  My soul still has moments of emptiness.  But all of those moments are few and far between, and I am sure they will soon be inexistent.  For the most part, I am thriving!  I have been…

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Welcome to my e-Harmony profile!

30 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by in Dating

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(tomorrow is the last day of my subscription with e-Harmony, please see this post for more on that subject: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2012/07/26/counting-the-days-until-i-am-free-from-e-harmony/ )

A fellow blogger and reader has been curious about my e-Harmony profile.    I think he believes there could lie the answer to my lack of responses problem.

As far as the pictures are concerned (no I will not be posting them) they show me on vacation, and doing stuff I enjoy such as skiing, watching tennis at the US Open, etc.  In hindsight perhaps I should have added one or 2 pictures of my fabulous cleavage – lol.

So, Chris this if for you!  Start dissecting it! lol

Other than your parents, who has been the most influential person in your life and why?

There are a lot people that have contributed to who I am and where I am.  I will be glad to discuss it in person.  I believe that everyone that comes into your life has something to teach you.
What is the most important quality that you are looking for in another person?

Honesty and Respect are two of the most important qualities I expect in a person. I am looking for someone with a good heart, someone that loves and respects his parents. I want someone that is happy in his work , if not then striving to do something else. I want someone that will love me, honor and cherish me.  I want a partner in life and for life, someone that I can dream and plan with.

Other than your appearance, what is the first thing that people notice about you?

My smile and happy attitude. I like to be friendly and to make other people feel comfortable.

What is the ONE thing that people DON’T notice about you right away that you WISH they WOULD?

I wish they would realize how unique, real and honest I am.  I like speaking the truth and being myself and not trying to represent something I am not. I would also like for people to know that I am happy to be alive and feel blessed for each day.  I would like people to know that all joking and laughing aside I am a great friend on hard times too!

What are five things that you “can’t live without?”

  1. Faith in a powerful being and the Universe.
  2. My family that supports me no matter what!
  3. Weekends, a chance to renew.
  4. Work, classes, being productive in society.
  5. The belief that the love of my life is out there.

Describe the last book that you read and enjoyed. What was it about? What did you like most about it?

Peace is every Step: The path of mindfulness in everyday life by Thich Nhat Hanh.   I am still reading it, but benefiting from it very much.  It is about discovering the peace within and living the present moment (something I, sometimes have a problem with.
Is there any additional information you would like your matches to know about you?

I am fun, honest, love life and I am grateful for every moment.  I want to find an equal fun, honest and grateful person. I have a lot to offer.  I am a self made person who has worked hard for what I have. I have been away from my family since I was 17 yrs old.  I try to go to Brazil twice a year to see them. I hope that my partner will come with me.

What are you most passionate about?

I am passionate about leading a good life and about helping my family. I am originally from Brazil but have been living in the US for over 2 decades. I enjoy improving myself and learning new things.  I love traveling.  I like to attend any live events from sports to opera.  I enjoy skiing and playing tennis even though I am just a beginner at both sports.  I enjoy eating great food and quiet nights sipping wine.  I enjoy reading self improvement and inspirational books and blogs. I am also passionate about finding a partner in life that appreciates honesty and respect. I want to be your muse and to make you smile.

What are the THREE things for which you are MOST thankful?

  1. Life and God.  Each new day is a gift and a chance to improve.
  2. My great family: mother, father, brother and sister.
  3. Hope and Faith. My positive outlook in life.  The certainty that no matter what I will always be fine!

The four things your friends say about you are: (chosen from a list of about 30 items)

Optimistic

Intelligent

Hard-working

Passionate

What are three of my best life skills? (chosen from a list of 10 items)

Achieving personal goals

Maintaining an organized life

Managing my finances
How do you typically spend your leisure time?

In my free time I enjoy pampering myself with a massage or manicure,etc.  I enjoy walking around my neighborhood and discovering new places. I enjoy spending time with friends and family.  I enjoy going to live events and eating out. I enjoy dancing, playing tennis and board games. I also go to the gym, even though I do not enjoy it very much. At times I try to be still, mindful of my breath and think how blessed I am. I enjoy a good book or a good tv show.  I enjoy a variety of things.  I can have fun doing anything – it all depends on the right company.

An open letter to my Friend … Letting go of pain and fear and embracing the moment!

27 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by in Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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(this started as an e-mail to my friend after a long conversation last night.  

Dear Friend, this is to you, and to me, and to all in pain!)

I am really sorry for being hard on you sometimes and probably causing you pain with my harsh words.  But my words are only the frustration that I feel when I think that you are stuck on the hurts of the past. I wish I could just grab you by the shoulders and shake some sense into you.

I hope one day to come up with a magic word that will snap you out of the past and into the present. Until then I will keep trying with the weapons I have: brutal honesty peppered with humor all enveloped in love.

I wish I could just give you a hug and hold you for a long time and be held by you for a long time.  I want to be like that as day turns into night and then into day again. I just think that you need to be handled with love and care like I do. And I am not talking about sex (even though, that probably wouldn’t be so bad either), I am just talking human touch and connection.  Just that feeling of somebody being there for you – no words necessary!

I don’t know the extent of your hurt and your pains from the past, but I know that is holding you back from being in the present and looking to a future.  I don’t want to compare my pain with your pain.  We all hurt in different ways and different degrees.  We all deal with it in different ways.  I really have no business telling you what to do, how to react and how to feel.  But being a friend allows me no other choice.  I have to tell you how I feel.

.. and in writing this to you I realize I am also writing it to myself!

I really want you to understand that there is at least one person that cares about you: ME.  I don’t want anything from you.  I don’t want anything in return.

Well, actually I do.

I want you to be happy! I love the sound of your laughter! I long to hear it every day! That is why I make the most stupid jokes, all in an attempt to hear your laughter!

I want you to realize what a great person you are! You are not perfect! Nobody is! But among all your imperfections you shine! You have so many great things about yourself, such as honesty, generosity, compassion.  You have morals and lives by them! What I appreciate the most is the way that you present yourself to me: real, fallible, caring and sensitive.

I want you to make peace with the hurt in the past and leave the past in the past!

I want you to stop fearing your future! Live the now in full!  Be here completely now!

You are not your past and your past is not you! Right now you can decide who you want to be and what life and future you want.

Respect the pain! Don’t run away or try to bury your past: expose it, confront it, feel it, cry it, mourn it, forgive it, and then let it go! Stop dragging it around with you.  It is such a heavy baggage and it has no place in your present and future.

Forgive the people that hurt you in the past!  Only when you forgive them, you are able to leave them where they belong:  in the past.  Let them be just a page on your big book of life. You have no idea of the pain that they could be carrying themselves.  Whatever they did to you it was not because of you but because of their own pains and their inabilities of dealing with it and communicating their needs. Wish them well, pray for them.  I still pray for Ex and wish him only the best in life. The peace that I get whenever I send him good thoughts is priceless to me.  It frees me.  It pacifies my heart!

Forgive yourself! Even if you think that you caused yourself pain in the past or that somehow you did something to deserve it, realize that you are a flawed human being. You will make mistakes every now and then – making mistakes is part of our growing.  The key here is to acknowledge it, learn from it, forgive yourself and let it go!

Believe in God without any question! Believe that there is a reason for everything, even in the hurt.  If you believe that God is a loving and merciful God than what do you fear? What do you doubt?  Pray, meditate, talk to God, tell him your fears, place your fears in his hands and let it go!

Be grateful! Remember to thank God for the goodness he has blessed you with.  Remember to be thankful for everything you have in life. Be grateful for your health and the health of family members, for the job you have, for the house you live in and the car you drive.  Be grateful for the beautiful sunshine, and the benefits of the rain, for the food you just had and for the smile of a stranger!

Pain is necessary and unavoidable! The pain was necessary to get you to where you are today!  But it is your choice to wallow in self pity or gain strength from it and move on.  And don’t get me wrong, the future won’t be only love and joy, you will probably get hurt again, but that is called living!  If were not for the bad, the good wouldn’t have any flavor.

The best is yet to come. We both thought that our last relationships were amazing and the one that we were destined to be with, but guess what? Life has bigger and better things in store for us.  That was just an appetizer for the feast that lies ahead!

Am I just fooling myself?  Perhaps, but who really knows what the future holds? No one, but God (if you believe), so choose to live a life that is full of promise.  Concentrate on today and love and live the most that you can! Send to the Universe that idea the your future is so bright you will need sunglasses 24/7.

Hurt? Hurt is growing pains! Hurt is just the price that we have to pay for the ultimate happiness!

Stop looking for answers! Sometimes in life there are no answers.  People behave in the ways they behave and sometimes it makes no sense and there is no explanation.  Yes, they could have been honest and open and upfront about whatever was troubling them instead of blindsiding us with “we are over”.

See hardships as gifts! I totally believe that when people break up with us they are doing us a favor! Of course I wish the break up was different. Pain and hurt are there to makes us stronger.  It forces one to confront themselves and either fall apart or thrive!  It gives us a chance to rediscover ourselves and be the best that we can be!  There is an unique lesson here and we need/want to make sure not to miss it!

Enjoy life-don’t let fear hold you back! I want you to go out and dance and date! Try again, as many times as necessary! (yeah I must admit this was a real tough one for me to write.  There is nothing I dread more than you finding someone and my dreams of ever meeting you and perhaps being more than friends will have to come to an end.  But when you love someone you have to put their needs ahead of your wants.)

LIVE! LOVE! AS MUCH AS YOU CAN, WHENEVER YOU CAN! That is my dream and hope for you!

(Thank you Ex for making my pain so unbearable that I started writing a blog so I would not explode. Were not for that, I would not have gotten back to my love of writing.  Were not for that I would not  have met so many great people that genuinely care and graciously offer their love in the form of comments. Were not for that I would have not met my Friend – the one that I am sure was part of my life in a previous existence.  He walked straight into my heart!. My heart doesn’t have an exit door!  Once you are in you are there to stay)

 

Counting the days until I am free from e-harmony!

26 Thursday Jul 2012

Posted by in Dating

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I joined e-Harmony about 5 months ago. When I joined I didn’t have grand illusions of finding “the One”. I simply wanted to go on dates every now and then. I guess my real hope was that the attention of men would keep my mind off of Ex.

From the beginning e-Harmony was a letdown. In the second month I wrote about it: http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/05/14/so-far-e-harmony-sucks/

From there things just gotten worst!

I am glad that my sentence, I mean subscription, is coming to an end at the end of the month. I am tired of feeling rejected by people that I don’t even know and that don’t even know me.   I think that there is something very wrong with e-Harmony.  I don’t know what the problem is, but there has to be an explanation for the lack of responses I have received.  And I know, I know that some of you know at least one couple that met through e-Harmony, still I think that the number of happy couples is probably very low when compared with the number of total members they have.

I have an honest profile (describing exactly who I am and what I want) and honest pictures (nothing professional, but pictures showing what I love to do, skiing, at the US Open, on vacation). What I want in a man? Honesty is the number one requirement. I want a man that likes himself, likes to travel, has a good heart, has a sense of humor. I appreciate a man that loves his family, likes animals and is curious about the world. It would be nice if he likes sports – both watching and playing. I want a man that is spiritual and believes in God.  I want a man that looks to improve himself, physically and mentally.  I don’t think I am asking too much.  At any rate, I am only asking for what I am willing to offer.

I have had a grand total of 1 date! Yes only 1! I know it is quality and not quantity that I should be after but only 1 in 5 months sounds a bit ridiculous. I must say that that one date was terrific even though there was no love connection. I wrote about it here:  http://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/05/29/first-e-harmony-date/ I am even going to visit him in a couple of weeks. So I should count myself lucky for having made a friend.  But honestly I signed up to get dates.

The last couple of months I wasn’t even checking e-harmony anymore. I just have been waiting for my subscription to be over, so that I stop feeling like I am paying to be rejected.

But to make sure that I had given it my 100% effort, 2 weeks ago I made a point of sending every single match that they sent me an ice-breaker saying: “I would love to chat”. I sent it to everyone, and when I say everyone I mean everyone!! I wanted to test it.  I figure that if I didn’t wait to be contacted and reached out to everyone I would at least get some responses.  I expected that out of the 30/40 men a few would reply and I would know, at least, that there are some live matches and would be able to at least think that e-harmony was doing their job.

So after 2 weeks guess how many responses I received. NONE!.  No kidding, not a single one! I don’t know about you, but I find that incredible!  To me that means something is horribly wrong with their site or matching system. They are probably matching me with people who are no longer registered in the service and therefore no longer receiving ice-breakers (they keep the profile of non-members up).  Also, I specified I wanted people closer to me and they give me matches from places as far as Singapore and Australia, to name a few.

No matter what the reason is, it was just a confirmation that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  I don’t even want to ask for my money back. I believe they did me a favor.  Ultimately it was a blessing not to be bombarded with e-mails and engage in relationships right after the break-up. The time alone has been intensely rewarding and necessary.  From starting my blog to tennis lessons, from reaching out to old friends to making new ones, I am busy and happy!

I believe that trying to take shortcuts after a breakup eventually backfires.  I was trying to immediately replace Ex.  I failed to realize that a relationship that lasted 3 years, and that for the most part was amazing deserved my respect.  I had to spend time feeling the pain fully, mourning the end of a dream and going through all of the 5 stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance) . I was trying to skip steps, trying to run before I can even walk, and in the end that would  have caused more heartaches.

What next? Match.com? Plenty of Fish? No more online dating for me! At least not for now – I do reserve the right to change my mind.  As far as e-harmony I will not change my mind, I am never doing that again!

For now I am staying put just going about my day and pursuing my interests.  I am making a point of being fully present in the moment, loving and living each moment to the best of my ability.

I am working on myself, mind, spirit and body and being the best that I can.  I do have my eyes, heart and mind open and when that lucky guy comes around (and perhaps he is already here) I will be more ready, better able and ever willing!

So officially on August 1 I am free from e-harmony! So, goodbye it has not been fun!

Fresh Baked Scones with Coffee = my idea of heaven!

24 Tuesday Jul 2012

Posted by in Food

≈ 71 Comments

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I don’t want to seem like a hypocrite for having a post one day acknowledging my need to quit the bad relationship I have with sugar and in the very next post I am publishing a recipe for scones. But welcome to my ambivalent life, and for that I will not make any excuses!  I am a work in progress! I have the best intentions but I don’t always remain on track, sometimes I veer off of it greatly.

I also reserve the right to change my mind.  I am still too much in love with sugar to just quit it.  So, for now I am still in the “fooling myself” phase regarding sugar, thinking that I can have it in small quantities.  I still want to try to be friends with sugar, since the idea of not having it in my life is too daunting.  This is a case where I need to take baby steps.

So yesterday (Sunday) I was up very early, which is the norm lately since I cannot seem to sleep a whole night anymore, and  I felt like treating myself.  Why?  no special reason (well, truth be told, I feel like treating myself everyday!)

So after a couple of minutes on Google I came across the recipe below from Food.com.  It was one of the easiest things I have ever baked.  They came out unbelievably delicious, better than from any bakery.

The picture below doesn’t do justice at how great they looked and tasted.  If you like scones or want to impress a special someone, try it you/they will love.

I made it as the recipe as directed, but I am sure you can make a healthier version by substituting the white flour with whole wheat flour,  butter with yogurt spread and sugar with agave.  I am going to try making those substitutions next time and see how it comes out.

2 cups flour

1/3 cup sugar

2 teaspoons baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

6 tablespoons cold butter cut up

1/2 cup cranberries, chopped

1/3 cup raisins

1/2 cup milk

1 large egg

1 tablespoon sugar

Directions:

1. Heat oven to 425 degrees Fahrenheit.

2. Grease a cookie sheet.

3. Mix flour, 1/3 cup sugar, baking powder, and salt.

4. Cut in butter until fine crumbs; food processor is best.

5. Place in large bowl; add cranberries and raisins.

6. Beat milk and egg with a fork.

7. Add milk and egg mixture to flour mixture; stir with fork until moistened.

8. Drop by 12 heaping spoonfuls, 2 inches apart onto prepared baking sheet.

9. Sprinkle with the 1 Tablespoon sugar.

10. Bake 13 minutes or until golden.

11. Cool on rack.