Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

I am breaking up with a cake!

30 Sunday Nov 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me, Food

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Sticky Toffee Pudding Cake

“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.”
― Rick Warren

I made the Sticky Toffee Pudding Cake.  It was a success since it looked and tasted like Sticky toffee Pudding cake is supposed to taste.   It was gooey and delicious, but right after I ate it still felt it was not quite the taste I was looking for. It felt like something was missing. I felt empty and I felt nauseous.

Even when I was lying in bed before drifting off to sleep, I was feeling a bit troubled and disappointed in myself.  I was disappointed that after having someone buy and send me the cake mix and then taking the time to make it and have it come out correctly I was still not happy with it. I was troubled that I was making a big deal out of a cake.

In the darkness and quiet of that moment it dawned on me that I will never find a sticky toffee pudding cake I will be completely satisfied and happy with.  There will never be one as good as I remembered as I realize I have been searching for a feeling and not a taste!  The taste of the cake was right but the feeling was not.

Sticky toffee pudding cake is a cake that I discovered one day while shopping with Ex. I remember eating it at a time I felt I was in paradise. I was happy, well I am always happy, but I felt I was living my long awaited fairy-tale. Sitting on the couch with Ex while eating the warm cake was to me the definition of comfort, happiness and security.

After that realization I cannot even look at the cake I made again, let alone eat it.  I gave half to a friend and I will give the rest to my co-worker.

I am officially giving up my search for the perfect Sticky Toffee Pudding cake as I realized I will never find it.  I have been searching for the wrong thing.

“Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.”
― Lyndon B. Johnson

I am annoyed that all of sudden Ex pops in my mind uninvited. All of a sudden I have to deal with feelings that I thought were long gone. All of a sudden I miss him or this idea of him.

I realize that the past is bound to return every now and then.  It doesn’t mean regression.  It means I get to see how far I have come and how those memories don’t affect me as much as before.  I am not attaching any special meaning to those few and far between memories.  I miss him for that one second and I readily and happily move on.

I don’t want Ex or the life I had with him back.  I still  think it was a wonderful time and I am glad for having had that moment in my life. But like everything in life it had an expiration date.

Nothing lasts forever, good or bad, and for that I am grateful!

This cake episode helps me realize that more often than not I am not physically hungry, but emotionally hungry.  I need to stop, or at least tone it down, my vision of food as happiness and comfort and see it more as fuel.

oh stupid me thinking that Sticky Toffee Pudding cake could ever be as good as chocolate and/or cake.

 “My past has not defined me, destroyed me, deterred me, or defeated me; it has only strengthened me.” ― Steve Maraboli

Please don’t feel sorry for me! Really, don’t!

26 Wednesday Nov 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“If you’re lonely when you’re alone, you’re in bad company.” ― Jean-Paul Sartre

The days near holidays are always depressing and somewhat annoying for me; but not for the reason you think!

Yes I miss my family but holidays don’t make me miss them any more or less.  I miss them period!

I find the days around holidays hard because of all the questions, actually not the questions, but the reactions to my answers to those questions.

The question are always the same: Where are you going, What are going to do on  _______ (fill in the holiday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother’s Day, etc)? My answer more often than not is: I will be home alone, or I will be going away alone.

Today, for example,  I was questioned by my dental hygienist, then by the dentist, by a couple of co-workers, by a fellow commuter and by my accountant. Their reactions to my reply were always the same: oh sorry!  They all had a look of pity on their face, exceptt for my accountant who had pity on his voice as I only spoke to him on the phone.

I immediately make sure to explain that there is nothing to be sorry about, but I am not sure if they believe that.  I think that people think I just put up a brave face. And perhaps I do sometimes, but never about being alone.

“The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone.” 
― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven – Meniti Bianglala

I have spent a lot holidays alone.  I don’t remember ever being bothered by it.

Most of my friends are spending time with their families.  One offered to ask her in-laws if she could bring me.  On that moment I did feel pitiful!

Being invited just because someone is sorry I will be home alone is really the depressing part for me.  How about inviting someone because you just enjoy their company? I am able to appreciate the gesture but it feels insulting. Yep I am of a sensitive nature!

The pity I feel from people implies that there is something horribly wrong with spending a holiday alone, and therefore something wrong with me.

“Alone” is such a vilified word, it is almost a curse word sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I would be better off lying about it and saying I will be spending with friends.

I think that I am too comfortable in my aloneness – not to be confused with loneliness.  To me this is just my situation at the moment, it does not define me one way or another. I never think about until I get the reactions that I get. Should I be thinking about it? Do I have a problem?

“And you should not let yourself be confused in your solitude by the fact that there is something in you that wants to move out of it.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

My holidays vary with my mood and also with how much foresight I have in planning for it.  More often than not holidays sneak up on me and then I realize too late that I missed a chance to get away for a few days.

This Thanksgiving I am planning to do a little of everything.   Thanksgiving is one of my favorites holidays, mostly because it reminds us to be thankful – and unfortunately, some people need to be reminded of that.

I will make myself a delicious meal.  Since I don’t care for turkey, the bird of choice will be chicken.  I think I will also make sweet potato fries, oven roasted vegetables, brown rice and quinoa.  What I am really looking forward to is dessert.  I will have Sticky Toffee Pudding cake.

Sticky Toffee Pudding Cake Mix

I have been searching high and low for the best Sticky Toffee Pudding cake. I have ordered different ones ready-made online, including one that came in a can (awful), then I came across a cake mix box on Amazon.com from a store in Houston, TX that had great reviews.  As one of life’s little coincidences, ex’s cousin works at that store and at this moment ex’s mother is in Houston visiting family.  I never ask anyone for anything but this time I made an exception.  She was over the moon that finally she had a chance to do something for me.   So this week I got a delivery of 4 boxes (I only asked for one but she wanted to be extra nice). I can’t wait to have my apartment smelling of cake. I will report on taste later.

Remaining friends with his mother came in handy! lol

I stopped by the Library and got 3 books for the weekend.  I started one this morning in the train and after 2 pages I couldn’t take it anymore. I am hoping the other 2 will be more entertaining. I think the best one will be “About Grace” by Anthony Doerr, but I will report on it later.

About Grace

I also plan on starting a mosaic piece.  It has been months since I have done anything with mosaics.  I blame it on all the tools and materials not being easily accessible, but really that is just an excuse. I lack motivation lately.

I have invitations for dates before and after Thanksgiving, but lately I am even more selective with whom I choose to spend my time with. So I still have not decided if one of those guys are better then the book/popcorn combo I have planned for the evenings.

Anyway, the point of this post is to say: Please don’t be sorry for me!  Alone or not, I am so blessed and happy! Just because I am physically with no one it doesn’t mean that my heart is not full and that I am not loved and loving and that my holiday will be less of a holiday than yours!

I am sorry if I sound rude, or Heaven forbid, ungrateful, that is not the case at all.  I know everyone’s heart is in the right place, but I just wish that they would concentrate their sympathy on more important causes than me.

I wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving, alone or together, at home or away.  Remember to be grateful for this very moment!

I thank you for continuing to be here for me!  I thank you for putting up with my wordiness.   I thank you for your time, energy and heart when you choose to read my words and reflect on them enough to give me your opinion.  Your 2 cents often times makes me feel like a million dollars!

 “Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” ― Marcel Proust

In defense of winter and cold rainy days

05 Wednesday Nov 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.” ― Anne Bradstreet, The Works of Anne Bradstreet

Saturday morning I walked out of my building and felt a cold drizzle on my face. I felt alive! I love rainy days and winter the same way people like summer and sunshine.  As I was walking and basking in the moment a woman coming out of a store bumps into me.  Instead of saying excuse me or good morning, she says:  “It is such a miserable day!”  I think she mostly said it to herself and not to me, but still it felt like the wrong thing to say.

At that moment it hit me that this woman was setting herself up to have a bad day just because of a little cold rain.  I don’t understand it. Why do people let the weather dictate their mood? I know that there are some people that suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), but I think the majority of people just have a dislike for winter weather and not any real disorder.

“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”― Epictetus

I am not here to defend the rain and winter and to say start loving the cold weather.  Oh wait, I am here to do just that! First, I am here to say that each one of us, human, animal, object, weather patterns, etc, we all have our functions to perform to the best of our abilities.  We cannot blame the rain for being wet and messing up our hair or blame the cold because we can no long wear shorts.  They are doing their job and deserve respect.  Second, I am here to tell you to appreciate everything around you, specially the things that may annoy you or make your life a little more complicated.  Appreciate the things you love, such as sunshine, but appreciate the things that you don’t care for even more.  Find a way to see beauty and meaning in them.

“The invariable mark of wisdom is to see the miraculous in the common.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

I happen to love rain and snow, so rainy days and snowy days are particularly pleasant to me.  Yes, go ahead and hate me for it. 🙂  I also like dark places with curtains and windows closed.  I adore days that when I wake up it is so dark that I cannot tell if it is day or night.  Don’t get alarmed I like light and sun light too, I do! I just see the beauty and comfort in thunderstorms outside while I am cozy inside.  Perhaps I am, in a way, hiding from the world.  I think a psychologist would have a wonderful time with me! 🙂 I am so happy and yet so dark.

I am also saying if change your mind your outlook will change and that will only yield positive results.  Specially in the morning when you have the whole day ahead, don’t let little, or big, things set yourself up  to having a bad day.  Don’t call the day miserable because of a little rain.  What will make the day miserable or not is your attitude towards it.

“At the end of the day, let there be no excuses, no explanations, no regrets.” ― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Rain to me is life! Cold to me is energy! Snow to me is beauty and challenge (as in skiing)!  Dark to me is comfort!  Loving summer, sun, spring, flowers, that is easy, the value is in loving what is the difficult.

What would summer be without winter?  Not as pleasurable that is for sure!

Don’t use the weather, or anything else, as an excuse to be miserable!

The other day while cleaning some files I came across the little card pictured below.  I put it on my bathroom mirror so that every day I have an extra reminder to begin my day with gratitude in my heart!

Remember to always be grateful!

Remember to always be grateful!

 

 

Heart, I am all ears and no blame, please talk to me!

19 Sunday Oct 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Evil draws its power from indecision and concern for what other people think.” ― Pope Benedict XVI

All of a sudden I am having trouble making decisions.  This is a new thing for me.  I always followed my heart (gut, instinct or whatever one calls that inner feeling that tells you exactly what to do) so decisions have always been easy and quick.  And once a decision was made I never wavered or second guessed myself.

I thought age would make me even more secure of my actions, but  I find it is just the opposite. My usual self-assured self is feeling unsure.  I seem to be avoiding and postponing making decisions. My mind feels clouded  and noisy.  I find myself now in that precarious boat of self-doubt.   Indecision, insecurity, fear, those are words that would never describe me, and yet at this moment it seems they do.

I never understood people that couldn’t make a decision. I thought they were either not listening to their heart or they heard it but were afraid to act.  I felt sorry for them. I also got annoyed when they questioned my, sometimes crazy, decisions. How can they question what my heart is telling me? Poor souls!

“Having made the decision, do not revise it unless some new fact comes to your knowledge. Nothing is so exhausting as indecision, and nothing is so futile.” ― Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness

When I say I could always easily make a decision perhaps that is not the whole truth.  I could always make the tough decisions, but easy ones always eluded me.  It takes me forever to decide what to order in a restaurant and after I order I always think the the other person made a better choice.  But when it came to big, hard, life changing decisions I just knew which way to go, what to do.

Now I find myself trying to listen to that inner voice and all I hear is the chatter of self doubt and confusion.  Where is that knowing feeling? How do I get it back?

I realized that I started talking to people about my plans in the expectation that they are going to agree with me or, worst yet, tell me what I should do.   Who am I becoming? Since when I need people to help me with decisions in my life?

At this moment I am struggling with 2 things. (Is this my attempt to try to get your opinion and approval? perhaps…  🙂 )

1. Should I take my Mom to Israel for her 80th birthday?  I promised my mother a trip there years ago and I decided now is the time. Then it seems not to be the right time.  I am not exactly waiting for peace in the Middle East, but now seems to be worst than ever.  She is okay with going some place else, but Israel was always her dream. What if something happens?  Am I being careless with her life?

2. Do I buy a 2 bedroom apartment or stay in my one bedroom? I don’t have space for guests (Mom comes twice a year and stays 1 month each time) or to do my mosaics, so a larger apartment would improve my life.  But am I being too materialistic and greedy? What if something happens and I go into financial ruin?

“Fear stifles our thinking and actions. It creates indecisiveness that results in stagnation. I have known talented people who procrastinate indefinitely rather than risk failure. Lost opportunities cause erosion of confidence, and the downward spiral begins.” ― Charles F. Stanley

I have a feeling that this uncertainty is just another side effect of the break up. When I met Ex I jumped head first following my heart blindly. Then it all fell apart.   Do I unconsciously blame my heart?  How could it have been so wrong?

How do I get back to trusting my opinion and judgement?  I don’t know but I am going to try.  I will start by:

1. Coming to the understanding that my heart was not wrong.  Ex was The One for 3 years, but not a lifetime.  He had a part to play in my life and once he was done with teaching me and helping me progress to a next level he did me a favor by letting me go.

2. Stop looking for approval and guidance from everyone.   I will only share my plans once I have already made a decision. Having too many different opinions is just confusing my mind.

3. Shut out the noise around so I can better hear my heart.  Having more quiet time/meditative time.  I need to make room and time for my heart.  But also read more, write more, anything that gets my mind flowing and my heart’s voice out.

4.  Last but not least I will pray more. I will be more grateful for all the guidance that I have received (did I ever thank my heart for all the years of good service and guidance?) but I will also ask for more.  I don’t care how hard the road is, all I care is that I am on the right road.

The bottom line is that I know I am blessed and I will be okay no matter what. This uncertainty just means that I need to have more faith.  This is a wake up call and I am wide awake now!

“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.”  – J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

 

 

Video

My heart is Green and Yellow, and also Red, White and Blue!

03 Friday Oct 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“It matters not who you love, where you love, why you love, when you love or how you love, it matters only that you love”― John Lennon

 

This is what everyone sees as they enter my office:

Brazilian flag

My beautiful Brazilian flag!  I put it up during the World Cup in June and never took it down.  I think I will just leave it there until the next World Cup in 2018.

This morning, for some reason, a thought came to mind:  What does that flag really mean? It means I love my birth country and I am proud to be a Brazilian – that simple!

But what about the very country I am in right now?  What about the good old USA?

Having my Brazilian flag in a way makes me feel close to my Brazilian roots, but in no way means that I love the US any less.

I happen to love both countries equally and would hate if I had to choose one.  It would be like asking a mother which one of her children she wants to keep.  I could never choose. Thanks heaven I don’t have to.

I am blessed to be a citizen of two countries.  For now I choose to live in the US – a country that welcomed me with open arms and has given me opportunities I would never have in Brazil.  I don’t feel I am half Brazilian half American, I feel I am full Brazilian and full American!

It doesn’t seem right to be displaying only the Brazilian flag.  I think it is sending the wrong message (no one here in my office has ever said anything about my keeping the flag up, so this unfairness is all in my mind and heart).  Right at this moment I am online shopping for an American flag.  I will be hanging it up there with my Brazilian one.   It think it will be perfect!

I see many issues with both countries.  There is a lot that needs changing here and there.  But I see both of my countries like the people that I love: I don’t always condone their actions and I don’t look only to their flaws.  I choose to love and be grateful for all the beauty and goodness in them. No matter what, I will continue to do my best to improve my surroundings in whenever country I happen to be in.

“Earth provides enough to satisfy every man’s needs, but not every man’s greed.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

 

Feeling a bit misunderstood :-(

26 Friday Sep 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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The view from my family's home

The view from my family’s home

I am back and happy to be back!   People think I am crazy when I say I am happy to return from vacation.  I love going away on vacation and seeing my family and all the fun stuff that it entails, but I also love coming back home.  I love my routine, my bed, my life.

In Brazil I mostly stayed with family and saw a few old friends.  No partying or travelling to the beach.  The purpose of the trip was to be with my father and I did that.  I am extremely happy and also relieved that he is doing so well.  I love my family and feel so immensely blessed by them and the opportunity to spend time with them.

Now I am back and picking up where I left off.  Being with my family in Brazil highlighted what I already knew: I cannot date someone that is not respectful of my belief in God and all Godly related things.  My Dad’s recovery from a potentially deadly infection/gangrene has been nothing short of a miracle.  How can I not believe in the power of something bigger than I am?

I will write more about my trip but for now I will just mention something that my sister said that has been stuck on my mind.  Even though we have been living apart for almost 30 years she is still the person that knows me the best. Or so I thought. So her opinion really matters to me.

“I’m standing in misunderstanding. I must have just stepped in it.” ― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

I was telling her about my latest dating adventure (speed dating) when she told me that it seemed that I am desperate for a boyfriend just to say that I have a boyfriend.  I was shocked that she thought that.   I respect her opinion but it cannot be further from the truth.  There has been plenty of opportunities for me to have a boyfriend if all I wanted to do was say I have a boyfriend, but I am interested in more.  I want it all, and yet all I want is simple.  I just want the company of someone that makes my heart sing.  And so far my heart has been silent.

My sister never read my blog even though she was the first one I told about it.  She said she thought I didn’t keep it up.  I was disappointed about that.   Maybe she is reading it now, or maybe not!  Do I have a history of not seeing things through?  Perhaps she thinks that too.  But anyway, that is not the point.  The point is that her comment made me think of you: you my reader and my friend.  Do you think I am dying for a boyfriend just to say I have a boyfriend? Do you care either way?

“I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don’t know why, some people fill the gaps and others emphasize my loneliness.” ― Anaïs Nin

I would hate to be thought of as “that girl”, you know, the one desperate for a boyfriend, the one that cannot live without a man!  I am more than somebody looking for a boyfriend and would hate to be seen as only that.  Perhaps I need to change my writing.  Perhaps I should talk more about the other areas of my life.  Perhaps I should forget about dating for awhile, or at least stop talking about it.

“It’s dreadful what little things lead people to misunderstand each other.”― L.M. ontgomery, Emily’s Quest

I started this blog because of a broken heart so it is fitting that this blog is mostly about my heart.  Also my dating adventures seem to be more interesting than other details about my life.  I always like to focus on the fun and positive.  Why should I talk about how much I am spending in my father’s medical bills or the fact that my tenant is 2 weeks late with the rent check when the dating trials and tribulations are more fun?

Perhaps I should do nothing different at all.  I should continue to be me.  Is it important what others know and think about me or is it enough that I know who I am and what I am about? Truth is I don’t really care what others think of me, but it is hard when their view is so opposed to the truth.

“We’re all islands shouting lies to each other across seas of misunderstanding.” ― Rudyard Kipling, The Light That Failed

How do I want you to see me?  It is really very simple, I just want you to get that I am real and honest, flawed and yet unbelievably perfect!  I did make it a mission of mine to be more aggressive and more active in finding a mate so I have to be able to take the comments in regards to that, and must not be hurt if the opinions differ from mine.   Leaving things to chance never suited me, even though I know and respect that things will happen if and when they are meant to happen.  I know the Universe conspires to bring me what I need, but nowhere it is written that I have to just sit and wait.

“Nothing happens until something moves.” ― Albert Einstein

I just want to be ready for the opportunity when it comes.  I want to put myself out there. I want soak life and all its beauty.  Even though my posts may not reflect it, I have grown immensely the last couple of years, and the people that I have met and dated have been instrumental to that growth.

“The power of getting to know one another is so immense, eclipsed only by first getting to know ourselves.” ― Bryant McGill, Voice of Reason

The truth is it would be really easy to sit here and write about something else and pretend dating is not one of my priorities/goals, but that would be manipulative and dishonest – two things that I am not!

So the verdict is in (I am that fast!!), I will continue the dating thing (and writing and talking about it) until I get sick of it and not because others are sick of reading/hearing about it.    So please keep coming back and reading.  Your comments have been enlightening, humorous and supportive.  You make me feel loved and valued as human being.  Your words really make me feel warm and fuzzy inside! In the end if you see me as “that girl” so be it, I can take it!

Speed Dating and the Non-Believer!

12 Friday Sep 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“To venture causes anxiety, but not to venture is to lose one’s self…. And to venture in the highest is precisely to be conscious of one’s self.” – ― Søren Kierkegaard

I am leaving for Brazil in a few hours.  I am fighting a bit of anxiety.   There is this one thing that I wanted to accomplish but it didn’t work out as expected (is it the Universe telling me that I should wait until I return or is it the Universe seeing my resolve in getting this done?).  When things don’t go according to plan it causes me a bit of internal turmoil.  I am trying to compartmentalize it and put that one issue aside until I am back in NY and can deal with it. I should know better than to thing that I have any control over anything.

Before I go I want to make sure to tell you about my last adventure in dating:  Speed dating.

It was surprisingly fun. There were 9 guys and 10 women.  It was in a bar in NY City.  The women sat around and the men went around to each lady, changing to the next lady every 3 minutes.  To me this is the perfect way to meet someone since I normally know within the first couple of minutes if there is something there or not.  I don’t have the time to go into details about every guy, but there was a good mix from the not so normal (this is NY after all) to the completely normal (at least it appears to be so).  There was a good mix of ladies too, from the divorced housewife to the rude impatient “I am better than you” lady.

A side note is that 8 out of the 9 guys were never married and had no children.  A shocking fact since they were all between the ages of 40 and 50.  The other ladies thought that this was a matter of concern, as if there is something wrong with them.  Since I happen to be one of them (never married, no kids) I think that fact it is no big deal.  But I do find strange to have so many of them in one place.

In the days after, you are supposed to go to the service website and choose who you would like to see again.  I chose 2 guys.  There were probably 5 of them that I wouldn’t mind seeing again, but only two seemed to be candidates for something long-lasting, so I rather not waste the other’s time.

Since they had chosen me also, contact information was provided to all.  They both contacted the same day.  One is an International Business Strategist (whatever that means) and the other is a jazz musician.

The first one emailed me right away, but then never contacted me again after I replied.  This is NY so I am not surprised, but I am just curious as to the silence.  I hope he was not run over by a truck!

“I am realistic – I expect miracles.” ― Wayne W. Dyer

On Wednesday the musician took me to a French Restaurant.  Everything was great from the food to the conversation.  And we both had agreed to date again.   But, of course there is always a but.  While he was walking me to the train station the conversation turned to religion.  He questioned me a lot about my religious beliefs.  I am not sure I like that part very much.  I am all for healthy debates but I felt interrogated.   We sat at the train station and had a cocktail while I waited for the train.  I was intrigued that we got along so well and yet there is this huge divide.

He doesn’t believe in anything that cannot be proven.  I, on the other hand, don’t need proof of a God (whatever name you choose to call) or miracles, I believe in it with all my heart.  I believe in the Universe/God/Superior Power, something greater than me. I find comfort in that belief.  I believe in miracles and consider my life a blessing.  He wanted proof!  I said I was not one of those people that think that my belief is the right one, and I was not about to try to prove him wrong, but my belief is right for me!

I am open minded and always believed that as long as people respect each other’s opinions any relationship can work…today I am not so sure.  At that time it didn’t seem to be a big deal to have a difference of opinion, but today, a couple of days later, this seems way too big a difference to ignore.    He used the word “ridiculous” to describe the belief in things unseen and unproven, such as Christ, God, miracles, etc.  That seemed disrespectful to me now.

 “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” -― Albert Einstein

Perhaps the ridiculous thing is for a believer like me to be with someone that thinks it is ridiculous to believe in something that you cannot see or prove.  Is it worth to see him again? I love believing in guardian angels, miracles, faith, hope, the Universe, etc I am thinking I need someone that will, at least, not think that that is ridiculous.  My faith and believe is such a huge part of me that if someone has an issue with that, then they have an issue with me.

Well, I have more to say, but not enough time, I need to make the next train, get home, get bagels, and then head to the airport.

ps. please forgive mistakes, typos, etc…written in a hurry!

 

 

From feeling down to celebrating in just a couple of hours!!

02 Tuesday Sep 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“At the end of the day, let there be no excuses, no explanations, no regrets.” ― Steve Maraboli

I was feeling pretty low today.  There was no apparent reason.   All of a sudden is Monday, I don’t have to go to work and I have nothing planned.  I just didn’t know what to do with myself.

I had a pretty good weekend with a date on Friday, getting a lot accomplished on Saturday and spending the day at the US Open Tennis on Sunday (with friends from Philadelphia).

Then I wake up today, I have nothing planned and I am lost.

I took my time with breakfast, then did 30 minutes on my elliptical and I am still feeling at a loss at what to do next.  Nothing seemed appealing and I continue to slip further down the miserable path.  Clearly it seems to me that I have 2 choices, be miserable and start enumerating all that is wrong with me or get up and move and think of all my blessings.

It is clear that there is only one right choice, so I decided to feel blessed and snap out of it.

“Do it badly; do it slowly; do it fearfully; do it any way you have to, but do it.” ― Steve Chandler

I decided that this is the perfect moment to do what I have been planning on forever but never do: visit my building’s gym.  I haven’t been there in more than a year, perhaps even 2 years. No, I am not proud of that fact, but I am also not going to beat myself up over that.

What I should have done or not done in the past is not important.  What is important is what I do from this moment on.

I walked in and I smell, not sweat, but newness and it feels awesome.  It felt great being there and I wondered why I had been away for so long.  I spent 30 minutes on the bike and another 30 minutes at the weight machines.  I know it is is not a lot, but it felt like a huge accomplishment to me.  Also I wanted to be cautious about my hip and not overdo it.

Feeling victorious I came back and decided that I was deserving of making a celebratory cake. Ok, ok, it is not a celebratory cake but I have been wanting to make a coconut pound cake forever and decided today is a great day for it.  (so I am turning the oven on in one of the hottest days of the year, but that is a minor detail)

I also don’t see this cake as defeating the purpose of the gym. To me this cake and the gym are the same thing.  They are both accomplishments that make me feel good about myself and two things to be done in moderation.

And here is the result of my baking effort:

Delicious Coconut Pound Cake

Delicious Coconut Pound Cake

Coconut Cake Slice

It is absolutely delicious!

Never too old to make a mistake and learn a new lesson!

30 Saturday Aug 2014

Posted by in Dating, Finding Me

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Zinful Sangria

Zinful Sangria

“Looking at the past is like lolling in a rocking chair. It is so relaxing and you can rock back and forth on the porch, and never go forward. ” ― Martha Graham, Blood Memory

Last night I met someone that I had dated for a few months 7 years ago.  Even though we were compatible and had fun the relationship ended because he mentioned that his family would not accept me because I was 10 years older than he was. I appreciated his honesty but I felt offended and decided to stop seeing him.

This week we reconnected on LinkedIn and decided to have dinner together.  I knew before meeting that I had no interest in revisiting the past and this was just going to be a platonic relationship.  I have a feeling that he thought it could be more since we are both single at this time.

“A ship does not sail with yesterday’s wind.” ― Louis L’Amour, The Walking Drum

We went to a Latin Fusion restaurant and the food and drinks were delicious.  We talked like old friends.  He did not recall the breakup the way that I did.  He now says that the age difference is meaningless.  As the evening wore on I confirmed my feelings of not wanting to revive a relationship.

But here is my big mistake: We kissed at the end of the evening, not only once but a bunch of times.  I am not sure what I was doing/thinking.  I knew I didn’t want anything with him, but I am guessing I was curious to see if there were any sparks left. There weren’t enough and still I kept kissing him.  Today I am totally embarrassed and angry at myself for leading him on. I need to make sure not to repeat this stupidity!

It is amazing how something that seems so good at one point now feels completely wrong for me.  What did I see in him? He is a nice guy and all, but that is it.  I guess the 10 year age difference is now even more apparent. We are at two different places in life.

“It’s important not to be embarrassed by your past. The contradictions are part of what we are.” ― Richey Edwards

The worst part is that because of the kissing this guy now thinks we should date again. I am going to wait for when he asks me out again, then I will tell him how I feel. I am hoping that after a few days has passed he will feel the same way I do.

I had no business seeing this person again as I don’t think that we will really add anything to each other’s lives going forward.  Also it was one of those relationships that are unremarkable and I really didn’t feel that there was anything left to be said or asked so I am not sure why I wanted to see him again.  Sheer curiosity I guess!

Lessons learned! Leave the past in the past.  Embrace the future, new things and people. Make new mistakes! Stop being such a flirt.  I smile too much, talk too much, get too familiar too quick.  Excessive friendliness can lead people on.

“No matter what they wish for, no matter how far they go, people can never be anything but themselves. That’s all.” ― Haruki Murakami, Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman: 24 Stories

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“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”
― George Bernard Shaw

An update on my last post regarding the guy that I will name “The Snuggler”: I said I would not date him again and guess what?  We went to dinner and dancing on Saturday.  I guess this change of mind is my effort to be more open minded and give people a chance.  It is also a testament to his tenacity.

It was a lot fun! He said sorry about the “miscommunication” and behaved impeccably.  We danced to everything from Latin to Hip Hop. I love dancing!

Then on Sunday he called and asked if I wanted to meet him at a park near his home.  He takes his dog swimming there. (I love people that loves animals). I chose not to go.  I wonder if my unwillingness to drive 40 minutes to meet him means that I am not that interested.

Well, I guess I am guarded and taking my time. This week we texted a couple of times.  I am not sure what will happen if he asks me out again.  I will see how I feel at that moment. Perhaps the realization that I am totally indifferent about him asking me out again or not is a good clue to how I feel about him.

“I find I am much prouder of the victory I obtain over myself, when, in the very ardor of dispute, I make myself submit to my adversary’s force of reason, than I am pleased with the victory I obtain over him through his weakness.” ― Michel de Montaigne, The Complete Essays

 

Blessings and an almost love connection….

23 Saturday Aug 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Reflect upon your present blessings — of which every man has many — not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.”
― Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol and Other Christmas Writings

Life has been BBB –  Busy, Beautiful and ever so Blessed!

DAD – My dad has been home after 2 weeks in the hospital.  The doctors said that it would take 6 months for him to fully recover, but I am happy to say that my dad is recuperating at an incredible speed!  The doctors are amazed!  I am relieved and happy!

TRIP TO BRAZIL – I am going home to see my family!! yippie!!  Yesterday was a bit crazy at work so it was hard to concentrate on the trip details but by the end of the day I had settled on a date and reserved the tickets but decided to sleep on it and make a final decision today.  So today when I went to make the purchase I realized that the date I had chosen was September 11.  I am shocked that the significance of that date had not hit me yesterday.  I am not sure how I feel about flying on September 11.

Well, Just now I finalized the purchase.  September 12 it is! So I guess now we all know how I feel about flying on 9/11.

HIP – My hip is acting up again.  It started when I tried taking tennis lessons again.  Right now I am doing the Brazilian way; I am ignoring it and hoping that it goes away by itself.  But seriously, I will need to go back to physical therapy, but I will deal with that when I return from my trip. I may be hanging my tennis racket for good.  But not my skis, never!!

WORK – Busy, busy, busy!  Enough said!

DATING – Dating has been an adventure.  The best part of it all is how I have been handling it.  I have been laughing at the bad experiences and cherishing the good ones.  I have made new friends.  This has been such an amazing learning and growing time.  This whole experience is showing me more and more what I need, want and deserve.  I am not willing to settle.  I am fine with compromise but I am not willing to put up with less than what I am willing to give in return.

“Some people come in our life as blessings. Some come in your life as lessons.”
― Mother Teresa

I am still amazed at the attitude and behavior of some men, well some people really.  They are so short sighted, looking for immediate gratification and not long lasting happiness.

The other evening I had a great date.  It was the first time in a long time where there were sparks!  He seemed great, smart, professional, a great kisser (yep we kissed on the first date), and good looking. I normally never fall for looks, but this person seemed to have it all.  I saw the potential and didn’t hide it.

As expected he contacted me right away after the date saying he had a great time.  Next day he starts texting me and instead of asking me out on a proper date he hints he wants to come over to my apartment and “snuggle”.  When I mentioned that he was going too fast he tried to make me feel bad and childish.  He mentioned we would just snuggle.  I felt like asking him:  How old are you? 15? Do you think I am going to fall for that?

“sex is the consolation you have when you can’t have love”
― Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez

For a moment I felt as if there was something wrong with me and perhaps I was being too immature and too suspicious.  I also felt that perhaps I shouldn’t have kissed him on the first date and let him know that I liked him.  I am glad to say that those feelings lasted for about a second.  I realized he was just trying to go for a quick shag and was not relationship minded.

I often say that I never blame a man for trying, so I still don’t blame him but he was just dumb.   He knew I liked him and we could have had a fun relationship, yet his rush to get physically intimate made him lose out on the long run.  Now  we will never know what the future could have look like.

“But when a woman decides to sleep with a man, there is no wall she will not scale, no fortress she will not destroy, no moral consideration she will not ignore at its very root: there is no God worth worrying about.”
― Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera

Of course when I set him straight he started backpedaling and telling me I misunderstood him, but by then the damage was already done.  I have said no to seeing him again. (true story, he just called now and wants to take me out to dinner tonight. answer is still no)  He did me a favor by showing me his intentions right away. Also this was a good test to see how much I liked him, and I certainly didn’t like him enough.

Don’t get me wrong, I like snuggling, affection, intimacy, sex, as much as the next person.  Well, I am a healthy, young, vibrant Brazilian woman who hasn’t gotten any in a long time, so perhaps I like it a little more than most right now 🙂  but I am not willing to forget my morals and what I want for my life.  I got to be able to look in the mirror in the morning and respect the face I see looking back at me.

I am not judging anyone that has one night stands or casual relationships.  I kind of envy people that can be that free with their bodies and themselves. But I know I can’t! And you know what?  I think I am proud of that! 🙂