Category Archives: Dating

Facing the one that broke my heart

07 Friday Jul 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, out of the blue, my Ex (the one that broke my heart and got this blog started) emailed me wanting to buy my car.  I would normally ignore him but the idea of returning the car to the original owner and therefore really closing the door on the past seemed attractive and poetic.

I asked him to make an offer.  He offered $5,000.00 for a car that is worth between $15,000.00 and $18,000.00.  The low offer didn’t bother me as much as what he wrote in the email. He made it seem he gave me the car out of the goodness of his heart.  He also mentioned that I have been successful while he hasn’t done so well as if in a way I owe him something because of that.

First, he gave me the car because at that point he would have given anything to have me gone from his home and life.  He knew I had sold my car to move in with him since he had plenty of cars and I wouldn’t need mine anymore.  It was also perhaps a bit out of guilt, but somehow I doubt he is able to have such feelings.  Second, I work hard and whatever I have are the fruits of my labor.  His life hasn’t been so well since I left not because of me or because of the unfairness of life, but because of his own actions.  He is reaping what he sowed.

I don’t take any pleasure out of his life taking a bad turn.  In a way I am grateful I am no longer there to witness it and be involved in it.  Once, after the break up he said that he was not the man I needed him to be and that life would become a mess and it would better for me not to be there.  It makes some sense now.

After I got over the anger over the email I decided to accept the $5,000.00 and move on.

I was not looking forward to seeing him at all but it had to be done.  I just wanted to get things over with.  He had asked if I wanted to go to dinner to talk about the car and I had declined.  We met Friday afternoon at the parking lot where I had the car parked.

Seeing him at first was underwhelming.  He reached in for a hug and kiss and I just said hello.  Again, he mentioned going to a restaurant and again I declined, so we walked over to a ledge on the lot and proceeded to complete the paperwork.

I mentioned a couple of things about the car and gave me him the Carfax report.  He asked me how I was doing and I said ok.  Later he asked me again and I said:  What do you care?  He said:  I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t care.  I let that go.

After he gave me the money and we signed all the paperwork, he wanted to give me a ride back home, I declined.  I said bye and he reached out to kiss me and hug me good bye.

I wished I had just walked away, but words came spilling out:  “We are not friends. You don’t understand, some wounds never heal.  You have lost someone that loved you very much.  We had the world and you threw it all away.  How could you do it?”

At that moment I could feel my eyes burning.  I had dark sunglasses on and I wanted to run away before he could tell I was crying.  I looked at him and he had tears running down his face.  He said: I love you.  I don’t remember what I said but I think was something like good luck or good bye and I walked away without looking back with tears running down my face.

I am not sure the origin of those tears.  Perhaps it was relief, or anger.  It was definitely not love or want or anything resembling that.  It was not wanting to have the past back or him in my future.  It was cleansing, it was clearing, it was a turning point.

Now days later he has emailed me a couple of times to ask things about the car.  Surprisingly enough I have been able to have a conversation with him and not feel anything.

I will have to see him again to give him the stand for the hard top as it didn’t fit in the car and he has to come back and get it.   Again he is mentioning going out to dinner and catch up.

It is crazy, but in a way I wish I could go.  I wish I could be his friend.  I wish he had acknowledged betraying and hurting me.  I wish he had said sorry.  I wish we could sit and talk.  If he only knew how easy it would be, all it would take was for him to say 3 little words: I am sorry.

For now I still feel gratitude to him.  Gratitude for the great times.  Gratitude for the lessons.  Gratitude for the pain that made me start this blog. Gratitude for being spared involvement in a financial mess.  Gratitude for making me realize how amazing and deserving of more I am.  Gratitude for being free and able to date and do whatever I want.

Thank you!

“Closing The Cycle

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.” 

-Paulo Coelho

 

From magic to mist, from all to nothing

02 Sunday Jul 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” – Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Well, well, well, to say I am shocked is an understatement.
Mr Perfect for me disappeared. I am shocked! Yeah I am going to keep repeating that as this whole thing  is just so insane.

I was willing to bet this would become something long-lasting. I even hid my profile on Plenty of Fish, which I have never done before. I really had no interest in speaking to anybody else.

Let me start at the beginning.  We met on Plenty of Fish and started exchanging messages.  We had a lot in common, including our love of skiing.  He was very open and forthcoming with personal information that I was able to verify. For the first time I didn’t have to waste time researching and Googling someone, he volunteered it all.

After messaging on the site we moved on to texting and talking on the phone. He wanted to meet right away, which I normally prefer but because my friend was still in town we had to wait.

Even before the first date he had already invited me to July 4th weekend at his house on the beach and on August 12 for a clambake. I decline the July 4th invitation and said August 12 would probably work.

He also invited me to a charity sunset cruise where I would meet his friends but I was busy with my sister and my friend on that even and also declined.

Everything about him seemed perfect for me. We had the same views on most topics. Chemistry on the phone was out of control, we talked for hours.

He felt the same way about me, it was not like we were in love or anything, it was the fact that we both thought there was potential here.  For the first time ever it seemed I met a guy that talks about his feelings without games.  He is not afraid of “too much too soon”.  Like me he is all or nothing, tell it like it is person.

Finally the day of the date arrives and we hit it off immediately. He apologized for being absent from texting that day but explained that he is facing a couple of major deadlines.

He brought me chocolates that he had a friend send directly from Belgium because buying online wouldn’t be the same.  How can I not fall for that?

During dinner there was not a single awkward moment. We talked about everything.  There was a lot flirting, holding hand, giggling.  The best date ever!  After dinner he walked me to the front door of my building and asked me if he could come up and meet my sister. I said no and explained that she would want to be ready and not surprised.   He was okay with that.

He texted me when he got home saying that the date had ended too soon and asking if I would go on a second date. I said yes. We actually already had a second date already scheduled. When we were speaking on the phone we decided that we would go on a date every Thursday night.  After a couple of flirty texts we said good night as usual.

“God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches by means of opposites so that you will have two wings to fly, not one” – Jalauddin Rumi

The next day, Wednesday,  arrives and he is uncharacteristically quiet, to which I attributed to a lot work to do and getting ready to a business dinner with some foreign people. He texted late in the day saying he was leaving the office to go to the dinner. Almost 2 hours later he texted saying that he had no energy from from antihistamine he had taken the night before. I replied and asked if he was still at dinner. There was no reply but I fully expected to hear from him later on asking to talk on the phone. That text never came.

Thursday came and I still had no idea if I was meeting him that night or not.  Actually, I  had a pretty good idea that there would be no date.  The silence was a very loud no. This silence was totally out of character for him, but because of work I still didn’t want to assume anything.

I texted him and said:  “I think you are extremely busy so I don’t want to disturb you.  I was looking forward to seeing you tonight but if you need to cancel it is okay.  Thinking of you.”  He replied: “I have an issue at work I have to fly to DC tomorrow.  I will call you tonight.”

That call never came.  Friday came and went and not a word from him.  Then on Saturday night (yesterday) I texted him and said: “Are you okay?  I am worried.”  Perhaps worried was not the right word.  I was more curious and confused.  He texted back right away and said that there was an Amtrak accident in Washington where 2 people died and 1 got hurt and that his company was involved in and he had to deal with it.  He also sent me the link to the newspaper report.

I am still confused.  If that was the case why couldn’t he have written and said that he couldn’t get in touch for a few days or something like that?  Is he using the accident as an excuse because he is not interested? Why not just say so?

And nothing else after that text.  No, “lets plan to meet when things come down”, no “I am sorry I have been silent”, no ” Please be patient”.  Not another word!

I am lost.  Everything he said, everything he did before, during and immediately after the date pointed to someone that was as interested as I was.  The trips we would take, the future dates, everything appeared so real, possible and exactly as I once envisioned.

I even told him once that he was not real; that I had dreamed him up. I guess I did!

I am glad I texted him last night but I am not doing it again.  To me this is so hard to understand because all we spoke about honesty and communication.  We spoke so much about being hurt before. He was also cheated on.  We extolled the virtuous of honesty, integrity and communication.  Silence is something I would never expect from him.

I am not new at online dating, as you know. I consider myself pretty savvy, but have I just been played? To what end?

“We often confuse what we wish for with what is.” – Neil Gaiman

Is there a lesson here?  There is always a lesson, but frankly I am stumped.

Shouldn’t I be so forward and so honest next time someone says all the right words? Should I be less accessible and more challenging?  Should I be more mysterious and hard to read?  After all doesn’t people like what is more difficult to get?

There is a lesson here but I don’t know what it is, but changing myself and the way I act it is not it.  I will continue to be honest, upfront, and tell it like it is.  I will continue to tell people what I need and want and not expect them to read my mind.

And why am I looking for a lesson as if looking for something I did wrong and need to change?  I did nothing wrong.  I was myself!  The right man will appreciate it, respect it, want it, embrace it.  This just means he is not the right man yet.

Am I mad? Sad? Disappointed? All and none of it.  I am, more than anything, confused. I am a person that needs answers and don’t like things unresolved.  I crave to understand human beings and their exchanges, specially men that come into my life.

I can see a silver lining.  I feel this disappearance could be the work of my guardian angels removing someone from my life that would have not been good to me.  Showing me someone’s true colors before I am way in.  Everything he could be telling could be the truth still I think I deserved a little more information.

I don’t regret the long conversations we had, the kisses, the hope, how he made me feel special and the feeling that this was special.  The whole exchange with him was romantic, magical and for a fleeting moment it made me feel validated.  And for that magical feeling I will continue to put myself out there and do it all over again.

For a second in time I saw this as poetic, as I was about to sever all ties with the ex-boyfriend I am meeting someone that seemed to be my future.  (By the way I met the ex on Friday afternoon for the first time in almost 5 years and will write all about that next)

Am I giving up online dating?  Absolutely not! I will never stop putting myself out there in the hopes of finding a partner.  He is out there so I will keep on looking.  Fakers, players and all other kinds will come my way but there will never deter me from my ultimate goal.

“Don’t be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen.” – George Saunders

 

While we wait…

30 Friday Jun 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.  Delicious Ambiguity.”  – Gilda Radner

I am sorry to keep everyone in suspense, but I am in suspense also.  The brand new guy that seemed heaven-sent all of a sudden doesn’t seem like a sure thing anymore.  I am confused and not sure where things are going.  In the meantime,  while I wait one day to clarify things, I will entertain you with 2 other guys.

First is about the guy that I mentioned in a previous post that took my sister, my friend and me to lunch.  He was a perfect gentleman.  He was super sweet trying to speak Portuguese to my friend that doesn’t speak a word of English.  There was no romantic vibes for me but I thought about giving him a chance for his chivalry alone.

He was going to take a trip out of the country and before leaving he texted and asked me if I wanted chocolate, coffee or dulce de leche from that location and I said all of them.

While he was away I decided to check him out.  I would have done my research before meeting him the first time but because I was going to lunch in a public place and bringing my sister and friend with me I assumed there was no harm.  In my research (Facebook and Google) I see traces of what appears to be a wife or girlfriend in that country.  Often my suspicions are correct.

Now he is back saying he has treats for me and wanting to take me out to dinner.  By now I am really into this new guy and have no intentions of starting anything with anybody else, specially when I am not sure if he is even telling me the truth or not.  A part of me is interested in finding out if he is lying or not.

I mention to every guy that I meet (as conversation always goes that way) that I have been cheated on before and how painful that was.  It is incomprehensible to me that someone would still lie to me after that.  I am tempted to meet him and confront him with my findings.  But what for?

“What is suspicion? It is a tool to ruin one’s own Soul.”  – Dada Bhagwan

***

The second guy is a few years younger than me.  We have been exchanging emails and developed this great email relationship.  He is smart and funny, definitely someone that I would love to be friends with or perhaps more.

But… there seems to be always a but.  He has an eye problem that prevents him from driving and seeing correctly at night.  I know that it may seem like a pretty cold and lame excuse not to want date someone.   I know myself, I hate driving and eventually I would probably starting to resent him for doing all the driving.  He lives over 1 hour away.

I feel bad as it seems I am discriminating against someone with a disability.  How would I fee if I were in his shoes?  I really hate hurting anyone, but at the same time agreeing to meet and starting something just not to hurt someone doesn’t do anyone any favors and will probably do more damage than good in the end.

I have been upfront with him.  He understood it, but countered with “love conquers all”.   We are not in love and I question starting something up already knowing that the chips are stacked against us.  Since then our emails have taken just the friendship tone and if anything the friendship is flourishing.  He has become like a confidant.  Now I question if I am not hurting him by continuing to talk to him knowing that it is just friendship.  Most guys ignore that detail and think there is still a chance.

“A faithful friend is a strong defense; 
And he that hath found him hath found a treasure.” – Louisa May Alcott

Stay tuned for: 1) an Update on this amazing new guy that now has a question mark and 2) Meeting the ex-boyfriend after almost 5 years

 

Out with the Old, In with the New

28 Wednesday Jun 2017

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Sister: Things continue to be a tad crazy for me, with lots to do at work and adjusting to having my sister at home with me. I was unsettled having to live with my sister after 33 years living apart, but we are doing fine and becoming closer than ever.  I can’t wait to see what the future holds for her here in the USA.

The widower from previous posts: He disappeared. He mentioned being busy getting ready to send his daughter to camp in July, but I never heard from him again since a last text I sent on June 11.

He is still mourning his wife and not ready to move on. Perhaps the reason he disappeared was that he met someone else. I just wish people would be honest and just say something and not disappear.

The classic car: When the ex and I broke up (over 5 years ago) he gave me his 1987 560SL car since I had sold mine to move in with him. 

Now that I bought a new car I decided to sell that car even though I really loved it and wish I could keep it.  It is just not practical to pay storage fees and insurance on car I never use.

Yesterday I got an email from the ex. He must have heard from his mother that I am selling it and he asked to buy it back. At first I thought about ignoring it. Then I just replied: Make me an offer. It seemed fitting that it should go back to the original owner.

He replied with a stupid offer of $5,000.00. According to my mechanic the car is worth from $15,000 to 18,000.00. I would be okay with $10,000, which would cover all the repairs I had to make on the car. Even more infuriating than the low offer was the email. He went on and on about the fact that he gave me the car, making it seem he gave it to me out of the goodness of his heart when the truth is he just wanted me out of his life and would have done anything. And perhaps out of guilt for having cheated on me. He also mentioned that my life continued to be successful while his are in shambles. To tell him that one reaps what one sows would be stating the obvious.

I didn’t reply yet. My Mom and my sister both agreed that I should just give the car back and get rid of him and anything of his for good.  After I got over the anger I am actually leaning towards their suggestion.

Is it or isn’t it:  Sometimes there are major shifts in life and it seems my life is going through a major shift. I feel so much goodness in the air.  It seems like a time to get rid of the old, old clothes, old ideas, old energy and embrace the new.

At this exact moment in time someone came into my life that seems too perfect to be true. I am so excited that it is hard for me to keep level headed. I try to remind myself  that I have been excited over what turned out to be nothing in the past, but this seems so different, so right.  So, once again, here am I daring to believe, daring to dream.

My next post will be about him so stay tuned.

He sent me this poem by Goethe that I just love!

“Tell a wise person, or else keep silent,
because the mass man will mock it right away.
I praise what is truly alive,
what longs to be burned to death.

In the calm water of the love-nights,
where you were begotten, where you have begotten,
a strange feeling comes over you,
when you see the silent candle burning.

Now you are no longer caught
in the obsession with darkness,
and a desire for higher love-making
sweeps you upward.

Distance does not make you falter.
Now, arriving in magic, flying,
and finally, insane for the light,
you are the butterfly and you are gone.

And so long as you haven’t experienced 
this: to die and so to grow,
you are only a troubled guest
on the dark earth.”  – Johann Woldgang von Goethe

 

What is so bad about being being positive?

07 Wednesday Jun 2017

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My sister arrived at the end of May with my best friend from High School. My friend will stay until the end of June and my sister will live here. So far things have been busy with shopping and sightseeing. Once my friend leaves then we will probably settle into some sort of routine. All is up in the air until she gets a job.
I am trying to adjust to this new normal. It is hard to go from living alone to living with your sister. It requires patience on both sides. We are, of course, both Aries, which makes this relationship even trickier. But love wins and we have plenty of that for each other.
***
Another day, another mouse. Yeah I had a dead one in the trap right near my desk…way too close for comfort. There is actually a gentleman here that gets them for me now, he comes in later so the mouse has to sit and wait for him. I don’t know what I will do if he takes a day off lol
At least I am finding humor in the situation.
Work has been tough lately. At times it feels that 17 years in the same job is long enough. At others I feel blessed I am employed. I guess there is no perfect job, but I am telling the Universe that I am ready for a change, for a challenge.
***
Since I have been very busy this year with guests at my home I barely had any time for dating, and even blogging.

The beer loving guy (from a couple of posts ago) asked me out on a third date and I actually had said yes. But the evening before we were scheduled to meet my mother was not well and I mentioned to him that I didn’t know if I would be able to meet. That evening we exchanged several texts as I was nervous about making sure my mom was okay and was glad to have someone outside of the situation to talk to. Much later that evening I wrote several texts and he never replied again and next day never inquired about my Mom or if I would be able to meet, so I just let that go. I already knew that going on a third date would have been a mistake.

I met a widower. He will be 60 this year which seems very old for me since I seem to have more chemistry with younger guys, but since he was local I decided to meet him. I was surprised to find myself thinking about him even now after a few dates. We both seem excited about each other but then there is all the miscommunication we normally have in person and on text. It seems I always say something that he deems too serious or too deep.

I think he finds me preachy when I start spewing my optimism around. He tells me that I should stop having these serious conversation and we should just have fun. It has been over 2 years since his wife passed. I don’t think there is a deadline for the person to stop grieving but I know it will be hard to date someone still stuck there.

For a few years right after my break up I was still mourning the end of the relationship and that doesn’t even compare with the death of a spouse. So I sympathize and understand.

While I agree that we should just have light-hearted dates and conversation I wonder if I am capable of doing that. I am growing increasingly tired of him always telling me I am too serious or too deep when all I am doing is replying to his comments in the way that I feel.  He says I should say exactly how I feel, but when I do I am too deep.

After yet again being told I was taking things too serious the other day and not speaking/texting the last couple of days I reached out today to say hello. Soon the conversation went south.

He has a teenage daughter and he mentioned that his goal was to dance at her wedding and then he was ready to go. I clarified what he meant by ready to go and indeed it was what I though, he would be ready to die.

I said that he was too young for that kind of talk and that we needed to get him more goals. I mentioned how 60 is the new 50 or even 40 and I said that I needed goals too.
I said that I used to pressure myself to have goals and go after them but that lately I decided not put any pressure on myself and just have faith in God’s timing and guidance.  I also mentioned that until we have better goals we should have fun chasing weird ones, such as which restaurant has the best wine list (he enjoy wine).

I guess the word “God” may have been too much for him, as his reply was, and I quote: “Too deep. Let’s talk about it another time.” To which I just replied: “ok sorry” and he said: “No problem. Actually in a good mood today.”

Even though he seems like a great guy, I don’t think I can put up with not saying what I think and not trying to get somebody to stop only seeing gloom and doom. I find my honesty, clarity, positivism, optimism and upbeat attitude some of the best parts of me, and don’t want to bury them down.

He feels betrayed by God, and I am of the belief of never blaming God as there is always a plan.

I am not taking the first step in contacting him again and perhaps pushing for something he is not ready for. So we shall see if this story ends here or if there will be more chapters.

“The darker the night, the brighter the stars,
The deeper the grief, the closer is God!” Do― Dostoevsky

Apprehensive, but still grateful

05 Friday May 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Eventually all things fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moments, and know EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.” – Albert Schweitzer

CAR

A decision has been made and I am now driving a Honda HRV (the CRV’s little brother).  I have chosen to lease it and the color I picked is Mulberry.  Mulberry is the color of eggplant and depending on how the light hits it it appears black.   Psychologically I like owning things, paying for something and then returning it feels like a waste of money, but I decided to step out of my comfort zone and go for it.  I was attracted by the low monthly payments ($160.00) and the fact that I will not have to spend money with maintenance.

I was able to find a parking space for my other car.  It is at a municipal lot a few blocks from my home.  It was just sheer luck to get it and I am so happy things have fallen in place.

So far I am very happy with the new car.  It is very different from driving a 30 year old Mercedes.   I will eventually sell the Mercedes as having 2 cars is just silly and an unnecessary expense.  Paying for insurance, parking space and maintenance adds up.  I don’t know how much it is worth so I don’t know how much to ask, until then I am keeping it.

Feeling blessed, telling myself not to take things for granted.  Being grateful and realizing that hard work pays off.  Hard works gives us options and possibilities.

MOM

After another trip to Brazil Mom has returned with me to stay 1 month.  It is crazy and sad to see how age has finally caught up with her.  She just turned 82 on May 1st and even though she looks amazing and much younger than that, the truth is the 82 is a big number.  She has many issues: Lower back pain, diabetes, hypothyroidism, high blood pressure, heart disease, but was doing very well until a couple of years ago when she had a mild night time stroke.  Since then she has never been 100%.

It is hard for me to see her weak and frail.  The passage of time is merciless.  It is a reminder of life’s finite quality and the value of time.  Could my mother’s health be better now if she had paid more attention to her diet and lifestyle? Am I doing all I can to have a good aging process?  The answer to that last question is a resounding no.

I go out of my way for my family. At this moment I am taking my mom to a traditional Chinese doctor and paying an arm and a leg for a Chinese tea that is supposed to improve her health.  No worries I am not that gullible but I do believe in western medicine.  Also I know 3 people that have gone to this doctor and all have had great results.  If there is a chance of any improvement to my mother’s situation I am willing to try.

I believe in the power of faith.  Mom and I believe that this tea (combined with acupuncture and cupping) will help.  She is still taking all the medication prescribed by the regular doctors, she is eating better, and making sure she is not overdoing physically (she tends to be stubborn like me and think that she can do it all).

I feel powerless and keep reminding myself that I am not in control of anything.  I can only do my best, the rest is up to God.

Knowing that  time is limited makes each second more valuable.  Wasting time is no longer an option.

DATING

I am still online but any time my mother is here I spend most of my free time with her instead of meeting new people.

I am getting to the conclusion that it is becoming harder for me to find The One for me.  Not because of them, but because of me.  I have established a pretty nice, comfortable life and I am not about to let anyone in without making sure that they will be an addition to it.

How can I be sure of anything without taking a leap of faith?  I thought that I really wanted someone and that I was willing to be vulnerable and put myself out there.  Now I am not so sure.  I put myself out there physically but emotionally I am probably more guarded than ever.  Time to re-think and re-evaluate.

Being vulnerable, being able to trust, willing to risk being hurt are all some of the price for the chance of experiencing love.  There is no

Collecting disappointments, I mean, lessons!

18 Tuesday Apr 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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When you think you have a new friend they show their true colors.  I was happy that I had finally gotten a dance partner.  I had a couple of dates with him, then I felt he was playing games and decided that I was not interested in him romantically. I wrote about him in the past.  Still we decided to became friends and dance partners.

Now I realized that he was never okay with my not wanting to date him.  Last Wednesday after dance class I had agreed to go to dinner with him.  He always wants to go to dinner after class but I often decline.  This time I said yes.

At dinner he was curious to find out about my second date with this one guy I had mentioned to him.  Since we had become friends I thought it was okay to share dating stories with him.  I told him about the date and why there were probably not going to be a third date in the future.  He took that opportunity to tell that I am too hard on people.  That I don’t give men a chance.

From there he proceeded to say what a rude person I was.  He said that he couldnt wait for the classes to be over because I had been rude from day 1.  I was shocked!  For a minute I searched my brain for an instance that I could have been rude to him, and I just couldnt find.

I was so shocked with and how he was telling me that tears started running down my face. He was being so rude and harsh, I should have gotten up and walked away, instead I sat down and cried.

I asked him to tell me of a time where I had been rude and after he searched his brain for awhile he said that I would keep pushing his arm up.  I used to do that to remind him to keep his posture and he never had any problem with that.

From the first dance lesson he has been always apologetic for not keeping up and I always go out of my way to tell him that there is no problem.  That I enjoy going and getting reminded of the dance steps.  I always trying to compliment him and say he is getting better and not to show any disappointment.

For a few minutes I thought to myself: is it possible that I have been this rude and never realized

After a sleepless night I realized that I can be too honest and upfront but I have never been rude to him.  If anything I have been extra nice to him.

I wasted my money on lessons where I learned nothing because it was all focused on him learning to get to my level.

I have bought him 4 books to help him deal with his daughter and life.  I have spent hours after class talking to him, letting him vent and providing advice.  I have been nothing but supportive.  All of a sudden for him to attack me was not only shocking it was uncalled for.  He was the rude one for making me cry and not even apologizing.

After he said what he said he also said that he wants to take the last lesson (we have one left).  I said you can go ahead and take it alone.  If I have been so awful why endure one more lesson.

I told the dance instructor about it. And the first thing she asked was if he was not interested in me.  She also said that perhaps he will call and apologize, which an apology this late in the game is meaningless to me.

I think that he was interested in lessons because he wanted to date me, and since I havent changed my mind and will not change my mind he lashed out on me, on behalf of every guy I turned down before, I guess.

I accept criticism and the truth but in this case there is no truth to it.

I was hurt for a couple of days, but now I am over it.  I will not accept someone disrespecting me and talking to me in such a way.  I deserve better and in my life there is no room for poor treatment.

I am just disappointed that I thought of him as a friend.  And he was just a snake in the grass.  But I am happy that I got to find his true colors now.

Friends may fight, disagree and not see eye to eye, but friends to not go out of their way to hurt you, belittle you, and make you feel insignificant.  That is not a friend, that is an insecure person that to feel good about themselves they need to put another person down. Run. 

 

Birthdays, car choices, honesty and little embarrassments

05 Wednesday Apr 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.” – Lewis Carroll

Another birthday and a ghost’s visit!

My birthday came and went on March 28, 2017.  It was uneventful.  Cupcakes at work and that is it.  The “that is it” is not disappointment, it is just what it is.  I was going to treat myself to a massage but it was rainy and cold and I got home and got lazy.

Many of my friends didn’t remember it, and really, I am ok with that, but everyone likes to be remembered.   I forget everyone’s birthday so I never expect anyone to remember mine.

Ex, the one that was the cause of this blog starting sent me 2 emails.

He sent me a long one the day before my birthday.  And on the day he sent me a shorter one talking about how we met. Saying how grateful he was that I said yes and he and his son asked me out to lunch.  I would find it poetic if I was not so annoyed at his audacity.

Why? Why? Why?

Of course I didn’t reply and I will not ever.  It is in the past, I have forgiven and moved on.

***

To be or not to be honest

All has been quiet in the dating area.  I have had a date here and there but nothing that I thought it was worth pursuing.

The last guy that asked me on a second date I turned him down even though the first date was a lot fun.   It was days before my birthday and he even bought me a small gift at the gift shop at the Botanical Garden.

When he asked me on a second date I was honest and said he was great but that I didn’t feel there would be any romance in our future.  He never replied.

Should I have gone on a second date knowing that I had no interest in him romantically?  To me that would be deceitful.  But perhaps if I had gone on a second date it would show to him that at least I had made more of an effort.

 

I never want to waste anybody’s time under false pretenses.

“It’s discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.” – Noel Coward

***

Buy or Lease

I am now serious about getting a second car.  I don’t need 2 cars, but for now I don’t want to sell my 30 year old baby (560SL).  I didn’t get a second car yet because I am having trouble locating a garage or parking space to store my current car.

I think I have decided on the Honda HRV (a tad smaller than the CRV).  The other 2 cars in the running were the Subaru Cross-trek and the Jeep Renegade.  The reasons why those were the cars in the running is because I wanted a small (narrow) car that would drive well in the winter.

I can’t decide if I should buy or lease.  Psychologically I always liked the idea of owning things but this time I am thinking of leasing.

The pros for me about leasing:

  • Smaller monthly payments
  • After 3 years return and get a new one, so I don’t have to deal with repairs as a car gets old

The pros for me about buying:

  • After 3 years I don’t have to worry about returning the car and coming up with another down payment for another lease
  • At the end of 5 years or less (if that is how long I finance) the car is mine

Any advice?  Opinions?

***

To tell or not to tell?

The other day I was with a co-worker at the bagel store as a man passed by me I noticed his zipper was open and I mentioned it to him.

My co-worker, who was a male, looked embarrassed and told me that I should have not said anything.  I asked him: If your zipper was open do you want someone to tell you or not and he said no.  I, on the hand, always want someone to tell me if my zipper is open, if I have food on my teeth or any other potentially embarrassing situation.

What at about you?  Do you want someone to tell you or would you rather find out later on your own?

***

“Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.” – Roy T. Bennett

 

 

Dating in the age of Google

26 Sunday Mar 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“And suddenly you know: It’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.”  – Meister Eckhart

I am excited about someone… and also scared.  Do you know how you have been wanting something for so long and then you get it and you start questioning if you really wanted it in the first place?

I think it is fear creeping in.  My life is good, predictable, comfortable.  My heart is right here where I can guard it.  Do I want to just hand it to someone else?  Do I want to chance it again?  Do I want to risk being cheated on, betrayed, my heart broken and my mind crippled?

I can see I already am in my “let’s find something wrong with this person”mode so that I can continue to be alone.   That involves infinite googling.  And I did. And I found. Not about him, but about a relative.  I decided to relax a bit, to take a day at a time, and not to hold him accountable for the sins of others.

We are from 2 completely different worlds, but it seems that we appreciate some of the same qualities, such as honesty and respect.  Even though I mostly have good to great dates, what made this date amazing was that immediately it was if we have been best friends forever.  Not only that, but there were sparks from the get go.

Our date was yesterday, Friday, St. Patrick’s Day.  We met at the corner of my work and from there we walked to a Korean Restaurant that was awesome.  It had a fun vibe and they had an amazing passion fruit drink.  We had so much fun there that we didn’t want the date to end.

From there we went to his apartment where dropped his bag off.  I never did that before and I don’t recommend it, but I knew this guy enough and knew I would have no issues going into his apartment.  And I didn’t.  We walked in he dropped his bag off, I went to the bathroom, and then we left.  We went to another 2 different bars/pubs and we danced and laughed.  Then he took me to the train station.  We said good bye dying to see each other again.

oh yeah, we kissed and the world seemed to stop.  I can’t wait for the second date.

“Don’t you long for something different to happen, something so exciting and new it carries you along with it like a great tide, something that lets your life blaze and burn so the whole world can see it?”  – JulietMarillier

The above was written the day following that date.  And here, a week later,  the story continues, or should I say, it ends:

After our mutual excitement to see each other he mentioned he would meet at the corner of my work like the first date unless he came up with other plans.

Then on the afternoon of the date he gave me the name of a Pub near my office to meet him.  The place was very loud and busy.  I got there 3 minutes after him and he already had a beer in his hand.  I ordered a drink, but I was thinking that we would eventually leave to go to a restaurant where we didn’t have to yell to talk to each other.

Slowly it dawned on me that this was the date.

Then he makes a point of telling me what a big lunch he had and that he will not eat anything the rest of day/night.   And I thought ours was a dinner date.

The whole vibe was off.  We managed to talk but it was not easy like the first date.

As the evening progressed I knew that was that last time I would see him.  There was a certain sorrow and sadness in that realization, mixed with relief and elation.

I am not sure what had changed, but it did. Perhaps I was already biased by what I found online about his relative (which he confirmed was true).  Perhaps it was the cheap beer and lack of food.  Perhaps because after talking more I realized that we don’t really want the same things in life and have different views about certain subjects.

Perhaps I have too many expectations, but I expected more from a guy that was dying to see me.   Specially after an amazing first date, I thought the second would be even better. I don’t mind cheap places and just meeting for a drink, but let me know that is the plan.

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” – Alexander Pope

After being in this bar for over 2 hours, I had 2 small drinks and he had 6 beers.  He walked me to the train station.  We hugged good bye and he said it was an awesome date, and I said:  No it was not.  That seemed to shock him, but it shouldn’t have, after all he was there with me.

Still we have texted niceties since yesterday but that is it.  I had intentions of inviting him to go watch a friend sing tonight, but after last night it seems our worlds are farther apart then I had previously thought.

He is still a great guy, but not for me.  There wasn’t anything horrendous about his actions, and he will probably make another girl very happy. But to me the magic and chemistry was broken and I don’t think we can get it back. It is all about how a person makes you feel, and he made me feel irrelevant.

And then all of a sudden my heart is not going anywhere and I am surrounded by the comfort and safety of being alone again.

And the search continues…

“We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and—in spite of True Romance magazines—we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely—at least, not all the time—but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.” – Hunter S. Thompson

Back from the cold and into the colder

19 Sunday Mar 2017

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The view from my room at the Beaver Run in Breckenridge, CO

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

I have been back from my vacation in Breckenridge, Colorado for one week now, but it feels more like an old memory.  Work, family, life takes over immediately.

Before my trip I was not even sure if I was going to be able to ski due to my issues with back, hip and TOS-neck/shoulder/arm pain.  I am glad to say that I skied and took lessons 4 afternoons.

On the last day the instructor took us on blues and I could feel the fear creeping in.  When that happens I lose my form and everything starts hurting.   So later when he decided to go on harder blues I decided that was enough for me.   I just aspire to be more comfortable on skis and go at my own pace.  I really have no desire to do harder blues and blacks at this point, if that happens it happens.  It is not necessary for me to be enjoy skiing.

I love the thrill, the challenge and the freedom of skiing! So just being there on skis is amazing to me.

While there I met with couple of guys that had contacted me through an ad I placed on Craigslist.  And I must stress here that I am extremely safe when being on Craigslist.  I only communicate with people that I can ascertain that they are who they say they are.

I met 3 guys.  Went to dinner with 2 and they were perfect gentlemen.  The third one we had met in the afternoon and were supposed to go to dinner later but I decided not to go through with it as his intentions seemed very different than mine.

The only minor issue I had on the trip was the altitude sickness.  I never felt 100%.  I had some dizziness, headaches and was short of breath daily.  This will make me stay away from Colorado for awhile.

All in all my trip was a success and I was very happy I went!

***

I was back for 2 days, happy to be in my own bed, then storm Stella was making its way to NY and I had to stay in a hotel in NY City to be close to work for 2 nights.   I wasn’t planning on it so I hadn’t packed any clothes or anything.  The only store open was Duane Read, so I had to make do with what they had to sell.  So for 2 days I were men’s undershirt, men’s sock and underwear (women’s) from Duane Read.  I loved the socks.  From now on I may only buy Duane Read’s men’s socks.

***

Now that I am back I am seeing an Eastern Medicine doctor for my issues.  I have seen him twice. He did acupuncture, cupping, a few chiropractic moves and taught me an exercise to do at home.  I see some improvement.  The back and hip are doing great, the collarbone is still protruding, which I don’t expect to go back in place any time soon, and I still have the feeling of the muscles being pulled down and the numbness of the arm at night. I figure it will take time to be 100% again.

***

My dating life has been very active this past week.  I will write about it on my next post.

Everyone please have a wonderful week ahead.  No matter what life throws at you, smile and keep forgiveness and peace in your heart!

“She was free in her wildness. She was a wanderess, a drop of free water. She belonged to no man and to no city”  – Roman Payne