confused by action, Deciphering men, enthralled by words, lost and confused, love is magical, online dating; disappearing act; never giving up, putting myself out there;, will try again and again; never give up
“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Well, well, well, to say I am shocked is an understatement.
Mr Perfect for me disappeared. I am shocked! Yeah I am going to keep repeating that as this whole thing is just so insane.
I was willing to bet this would become something long-lasting. I even hid my profile on Plenty of Fish, which I have never done before. I really had no interest in speaking to anybody else.
Let me start at the beginning. We met on Plenty of Fish and started exchanging messages. We had a lot in common, including our love of skiing. He was very open and forthcoming with personal information that I was able to verify. For the first time I didn’t have to waste time researching and Googling someone, he volunteered it all.
After messaging on the site we moved on to texting and talking on the phone. He wanted to meet right away, which I normally prefer but because my friend was still in town we had to wait.
Even before the first date he had already invited me to July 4th weekend at his house on the beach and on August 12 for a clambake. I decline the July 4th invitation and said August 12 would probably work.
He also invited me to a charity sunset cruise where I would meet his friends but I was busy with my sister and my friend on that even and also declined.
Everything about him seemed perfect for me. We had the same views on most topics. Chemistry on the phone was out of control, we talked for hours.
He felt the same way about me, it was not like we were in love or anything, it was the fact that we both thought there was potential here. For the first time ever it seemed I met a guy that talks about his feelings without games. He is not afraid of “too much too soon”. Like me he is all or nothing, tell it like it is person.
Finally the day of the date arrives and we hit it off immediately. He apologized for being absent from texting that day but explained that he is facing a couple of major deadlines.
He brought me chocolates that he had a friend send directly from Belgium because buying online wouldn’t be the same. How can I not fall for that?
During dinner there was not a single awkward moment. We talked about everything. There was a lot flirting, holding hand, giggling. The best date ever! After dinner he walked me to the front door of my building and asked me if he could come up and meet my sister. I said no and explained that she would want to be ready and not surprised. He was okay with that.
He texted me when he got home saying that the date had ended too soon and asking if I would go on a second date. I said yes. We actually already had a second date already scheduled. When we were speaking on the phone we decided that we would go on a date every Thursday night. After a couple of flirty texts we said good night as usual.
“God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches by means of opposites so that you will have two wings to fly, not one” – Jalauddin Rumi
The next day, Wednesday, arrives and he is uncharacteristically quiet, to which I attributed to a lot work to do and getting ready to a business dinner with some foreign people. He texted late in the day saying he was leaving the office to go to the dinner. Almost 2 hours later he texted saying that he had no energy from from antihistamine he had taken the night before. I replied and asked if he was still at dinner. There was no reply but I fully expected to hear from him later on asking to talk on the phone. That text never came.
Thursday came and I still had no idea if I was meeting him that night or not. Actually, I had a pretty good idea that there would be no date. The silence was a very loud no. This silence was totally out of character for him, but because of work I still didn’t want to assume anything.
I texted him and said: “I think you are extremely busy so I don’t want to disturb you. I was looking forward to seeing you tonight but if you need to cancel it is okay. Thinking of you.” He replied: “I have an issue at work I have to fly to DC tomorrow. I will call you tonight.”
That call never came. Friday came and went and not a word from him. Then on Saturday night (yesterday) I texted him and said: “Are you okay? I am worried.” Perhaps worried was not the right word. I was more curious and confused. He texted back right away and said that there was an Amtrak accident in Washington where 2 people died and 1 got hurt and that his company was involved in and he had to deal with it. He also sent me the link to the newspaper report.
I am still confused. If that was the case why couldn’t he have written and said that he couldn’t get in touch for a few days or something like that? Is he using the accident as an excuse because he is not interested? Why not just say so?
And nothing else after that text. No, “lets plan to meet when things come down”, no “I am sorry I have been silent”, no ” Please be patient”. Not another word!
I am lost. Everything he said, everything he did before, during and immediately after the date pointed to someone that was as interested as I was. The trips we would take, the future dates, everything appeared so real, possible and exactly as I once envisioned.
I even told him once that he was not real; that I had dreamed him up. I guess I did!
I am glad I texted him last night but I am not doing it again. To me this is so hard to understand because all we spoke about honesty and communication. We spoke so much about being hurt before. He was also cheated on. We extolled the virtuous of honesty, integrity and communication. Silence is something I would never expect from him.
I am not new at online dating, as you know. I consider myself pretty savvy, but have I just been played? To what end?
“We often confuse what we wish for with what is.” – Neil Gaiman
Is there a lesson here? There is always a lesson, but frankly I am stumped.
Shouldn’t I be so forward and so honest next time someone says all the right words? Should I be less accessible and more challenging? Should I be more mysterious and hard to read? After all doesn’t people like what is more difficult to get?
There is a lesson here but I don’t know what it is, but changing myself and the way I act it is not it. I will continue to be honest, upfront, and tell it like it is. I will continue to tell people what I need and want and not expect them to read my mind.
And why am I looking for a lesson as if looking for something I did wrong and need to change? I did nothing wrong. I was myself! The right man will appreciate it, respect it, want it, embrace it. This just means he is not the right man yet.
Am I mad? Sad? Disappointed? All and none of it. I am, more than anything, confused. I am a person that needs answers and don’t like things unresolved. I crave to understand human beings and their exchanges, specially men that come into my life.
I can see a silver lining. I feel this disappearance could be the work of my guardian angels removing someone from my life that would have not been good to me. Showing me someone’s true colors before I am way in. Everything he could be telling could be the truth still I think I deserved a little more information.
I don’t regret the long conversations we had, the kisses, the hope, how he made me feel special and the feeling that this was special. The whole exchange with him was romantic, magical and for a fleeting moment it made me feel validated. And for that magical feeling I will continue to put myself out there and do it all over again.
For a second in time I saw this as poetic, as I was about to sever all ties with the ex-boyfriend I am meeting someone that seemed to be my future. (By the way I met the ex on Friday afternoon for the first time in almost 5 years and will write all about that next)
Am I giving up online dating? Absolutely not! I will never stop putting myself out there in the hopes of finding a partner. He is out there so I will keep on looking. Fakers, players and all other kinds will come my way but there will never deter me from my ultimate goal.
“Don’t be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen.” – George Saunders