Monthly Archives: April 2012

On days such as today

25 Wednesday Apr 2012

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On days such as today I wished for no feelings, I wished for a heart of stone.

I realized that all that Ex is doing has nothing to do with me.  It has to do with his own insecurities. So he is a lying cheating dog, the best part is I don’t have to put up with that.

I thought we could be friends but it is extremely hard to be friends with someone you don’t respect.

I don’t respect his lies, I don’t respect his disrespect, I don’t respect his farce. I don’t respect his ego the size of Texas.

Becoming 50 did something to him.  All of a sudden he craves attention and I wasn’t enough.  I know that it has been 7 months since we broke up but it is still incredibly hard to understand what happened.

What happened to a relationship that was fun, loving and hot, in and out of bed?

Ex has his good points, I guess as any human being does. I guess the only way I see to preserve the friendship is to hold on to those and to distance myself as much as I can.

I hope that I am granted the wisdom and discernment to learn the lessons of this phase of my life.

May God bless me today.  May God bless Ex today.  May God bless you all today.

Are you going through dramas of the heart now? Would love to hear all about it.  I need help …

Clear mind on a clear day

24 Tuesday Apr 2012

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That is what I want most: a clear mind, on this clear day!

I am achieving that. I am facing my future today, I am facing truths that are undeniable. There is no way I can sweep it under the rug anymore.  There is no way I can ignore the huge white elephant in the room.  The end is here.  I thought it didn’t have to happen, I though I could just go slowly day by day and it would happen naturally.

But I guess sometimes nature forces you to act. There are such things as acts of self preservation. This end is my self preservation.  It is my saying to myself: you are important, so I will let go of everything else, of the illusion of comfort and amenities, the illusion of companionship and friendship.

There is one day when you must stand up and against everything and everyone and say enough is enough. I am turning the other cheek, I am forgiving and forgetting, I am wishing you happiness, but I don’t have to be around.

Being around Ex, even though not often, just stirs up stuff inside.  The last few days all my feelings have been on high alert. I am seeing things, I am feeling things. None of it positive.  So I am doing my best to just last these last few days for the sake of the Moms.

God please help me bite my tongue and keep me from speaking all that is inside me.  For once hold back the impulsive me.

There is no need to say anything, there is no need to ask questions, there is no need to confront.

Volunteer Efforts Update

23 Monday Apr 2012

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Unfortunately right now nothing is happening.

the “Friends of the Library” hasn’t called, despite the fact that I was told that the lady in charge desperately needs help.

The Medical Center needs me to get tested, but it is a 2 day process, and I feel that I already have taken 2 days off. One for the interview with the Volunteer Coordinator and the other to go get a physical. I wish they would work with me a little better.

So right now I am take a breath and rethinking everything.  I still want to volunteer, and I am still looking for opportunities, but I am not in the great hurry I was before. I am impulsive and tend not to think things through, so I am  trying to be less impulsive here.

The Medical Center said they really need volunteer like me during the week days, which for me doesn’t work, so she would have me helping out with the seniors living at the resident center on Wednesday because they can always use extra hands there.  But it didn’t sound like they really needed anyone.  Yes it was kind of disappointing.

Do you know of any volunteer opportunities for someone that works full time and can spare several hours in the evening and weekends?

Monday, Monday

23 Monday Apr 2012

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So casino trip is over and now is Monday and back to reality.  There is something good about getting back to the routine of work.

Routines are comforting!

I ate too much.  What goes on in our brains that makes us crave food? I wished I craved salad.  But I don’t! I crave the crunchy, the salty, the sweet, the creamy.

I have to say that I am extremely proud of myself for following through on my decision to not eat chocolate for 1 year. November 4, that will be the day of reckoning, the day I have to decide if I start to eat chocolate again or not.  I don’t look forward to having to make that decision.

Tomorrow will Ex and I will take the mom’s to Broadway to see Spiderman. I am looking forward to it.  I enjoy Broadway shows a lot.

I will report back with a review on Spiderman, and also on the restaurant we choose to eat.  Right now I still don’t know where we will be eating.  I was thinking Carmines, since it is a legend and I have never been there before I thought it would be a good chance to go, but of course, they have no room.

What restaurant in the Theater District do you enjoy?

What Broadway and off-Broadway shows have you seen lately that you recommend?

At the casino with the Moms

21 Saturday Apr 2012

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Sitting here waiting for KC Mom to finish her shower so we can go for breakfast. I am at the Grand Pequot Hotel at Foxwoods Casino. We arrived yesterday and will be going home tomorrow.

We had fun yesterday and managed to have fun playing with house money. We had lunch at the Season’s Buffet. Of course I overate, but not too bad. I need to really watch myself and not get carried away eating just because the food is there staring at me.

I know it is strange to be going away with Ex’s mother and my mom, but I decided that there is no need to sever relationships. In my decision to just love I am willing to forget about a lot. It is funny because right now it is like nothing ever happened and we are back as a couple, loving, at that.

Believe me I am not thinking that we are back to normal. We are not and it will never be. I moved out as he wished. I am right now open if someone new comes along. I don’t expect Ex and I will last. Do a tiny bit of me deep inside still hopes? Yes!

Fooling myself or not I am living the moment!

Are you right now fooling yourself about something or someone?

Forgiving and trying to forget

19 Thursday Apr 2012

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This morning I was feeling at odds.  I didn’t know what to feel. I am close to Ex, we are spending this week together and I am seeing this as a big opportunity to find out how I really feel about living with him.

And I started remembering the things that I think he did, some I am sure and others I am just assuming. In the past thinking of those things would have made me mad, angry, cry, uncertain about the future, but today I did something different.

I let the thoughts flow in and out of my mind.  I stepped aside and didn’t try to put any weight to any specific thought. And what happened was amazing.  I realized that I don’t need to hold to past feelings and hurt, but I also don’t need to pretend they didn’t exist.  I can let them flow in and out without disturbing my core.

And I am forgiving, forgiving it all, what is real and what is imagined.  I am forgiving even if I am not being asked for forgiveness.  I am forgiving because forgiving makes me lighter, makes me happier.  Ex will have to deal with whatever he didn’t or didn’t do.

I read an Oscar Wilde’s quote the other day: “Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future” and I just loved it.  To me it says at all.  We all makes mistakes and we are all capable of good.  The present moment is the defining moment that we make a choice.  So who am I to pass judgement on anyone? Who am I to think that I have been caused some emotional harm and need to repaired?

I am but a human, capable of good and bad, and right now at this moment I am choosing to to just love and forgive, with tons of hope for forgetting.

Are you able to forgive and forget?

 

It made my day!

18 Wednesday Apr 2012

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This morning in the kitchen at work I received a compliment form a co-worker. He said: You look great, you lost so much weight!

ok, it does feel a little bad because for a second I think: Gosh, I wonder how bad I looked before. But that thought disappears and I bask in the glory of the realization that I do look good.

He asks me: Are you eating? I had to laugh, he didn’t realize I was holding this huge piece of French bread walking over to the toaster.  Yep, I am eating, and everything I want, just not going crazy on the sweets like in the past.

I really need to thank God yet again for this body that he gave to me, a body that responds well to any little change I make in my life.

Life is beautiful, compliment or not, so many reasons to feel blessed!

What are you feeling blessed for?

Constant Battle

17 Tuesday Apr 2012

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It seems lately that I have this internal battle going on.  It sometimes subsides and then all of sudden it rears its ugly head again.

The jealousy battle. Every time Ex doesn’t reply to my text or e-mail, every time he says that he is going to call and he doesn’t, every time for any number of reason I start imagining things and creating all sorts of scenarios in my mind.

But the whole point is that it doesn’t matter what he does or doesn’t do.  I know that we will never be a couple again. Yes we are friends and see each other every now and then, but I don’t foresee this being a lasting thing.

I am probably going against all reason and sanity still seeing him, and my excuse and explanation is that I enjoy it. And why should I deprive something that I enjoy, which is his company.  Why can I enjoy his company for what it is.

That is the real question, isn’t it?  Can I enjoy his company for what it is, just a good time.  Can I live in the moment and not think of tomorrow or yesterday?

That remains to be seen! I guess if I master that I will be the master of my own universe!!!

SMALL VICTORIES

16 Monday Apr 2012

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May be if I keep track of small victories they will make stronger to achieve bigger ones.

The victory in questions is the letting go of a friendship that was dragging me down, very one-sided.

This friend only came to me when he needed something.  When I needed him he would be too busy. The problem is that I would let go and then in a few months be in the same vicious cycle.

So last week I reached out to him and his email reply was short just telling me that he was working 80 hrs week on 2 jobs. Then he tried to find 30 mins to fit me in.  I am proud that this time I just said: concentrate on your jobs. He pushed a little, but I just ignored.

I miss him, but the amazing feeling of power over standing up for myself and knowing that I should not be treated that way is amazing.

FEELING UNSETTLED

13 Friday Apr 2012

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I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can’t quite explain.

May be because it is Friday the 13th?!?! Just kidding, I am not superstitious.

I just need to shake this feeling.

Today is one of those days that I need to Smile even though my heart is not in it.  Charles Chaplin’s song “Smile” comes to mind:

Smile, though your heart is aching

Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through
for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile what’s the use of crying
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you’ll just
Smile

So, I am going to do just that: SMILE

Weird feeling inside?  What weird feeling? Life is so grand I just smile! I am healthy I smile! So many reasons to just smile!

and it works, so it turns out that smile is a great medicine!!

Have yourself an amazing Friday and weekend!!