19 Monday Mar 2012
Posted in Daily Life
Dear Blog
I am going away for 2 weeks. I will think of you often and will make notes of things to tell you.
I promise that when I return I will make a point of making this blog worthwhile!
Until then be well!
Me
14 Wednesday Mar 2012
Posted in Volunteering
I am not sure how I feel about my interview to be a volunteer at the hospital. While it was a pleasure meeting with the coordinator, it left me unsettled.
I guess I made the mistake of having expectations. I wanted to hear that they had a perfect position for me and that I could start right away. Instead I was told there is not a lot available on evenings and weekends, specially since she thought I was a people person and it was a shame to give me something such as stocking pharmacy shelves.
She said that there are some activities on Wednesday nights at the Senior Residence and I could help there. But before I even start that I have to get a physical done, then get some shots done and then I have a book to read and a test to take. I am trying not to get discouraged and seeing those little road blocks as tests of my motivation. So I will follow through with what I need to get that. No harm in getting a physical done anyway. I hope that I will be able to help more than 1/2 hours on Wednesday night.
Now finding a doctor to get a physical is another story… there are some doctors that want you to become a member of their practices, which mean paying an annual fee!!! Now have you heard about that before? I don’t like that idea, so I am staying away from that doctor.
Strange day for me. I don’t seem to have my emotions under control. It is ironic, control is the key word. I need to stop trying to control everything. I know better! The more I try to control something the more it controls me.
13 Tuesday Mar 2012
Posted in EX Files
Tags
being strong, clue, clueless, forgetting him, loving me, silent prayer, stop the insanity, taking power back
I need to stop driving myself crazy over ex. I already know that ex doesn’t want me, well he wants me but once a week. So why do I get upset when he tells me he is getting together with the people at his gym?
ok, perhaps because there is that instructor there the insinuated herself to him. Why does he tell me stuff like this? Is he manipulating me or he really is clueless?
At any rate,all this is besides the point. The point is I need to take the power back. I keep giving him power over me. And his life is going on, like nothing ever happened, like I don’t matter, while I fall apart and try my best to behave and act normal and pretend I am thriving.
I need to do like I did with my boss. He is the same sign as I am, Aries, and we are both stubborn. But he is the boss, well, I am one of the partners here too, but since he holds the majority of the shares he is the boss. Anyway, he used to make me cry often. We used to get in heated arguments often. One day I vowed to myself that if he ever made me cry again I would quit. Since that day I never cried over work again. I stopped arguing. I let him have the last word. And I have to say that it feels amazing. I have taken the power back and it feels incredible!
So now I just have to take the power that I gave ex to affect my mood. And I have to do it now!
I have moments of obsession about him, and I know better. I know that we are over. I know that if we didn’t work while living in the same house we will not work now living apart.
Sad thing is I thought that we were doing well and happy! He was not!
He says it is better this way so he can focus on his work, focus on making his businesses successful again and work on getting his kids back (on this I will speak later… I will just say for now that it is one of the worst injustices I have ever seen, and I miss both kids terribly), and he needs to be single to do that.
Agreeing or disagreeing with that, I need to accept it and move on! I want to preserve the friendship. But is it worth?
Remember I said I decided to just love and not worry about anything else. I am going to put all my effort into just doing that. And stop thinking too much about it.
If I am free and available and wanting I will see him, otherwise I will pass.
I will not ask what he is doing. It doesn’t matter!
I will not ask with whom is he going out with. It doesn’t matter!
Nothing he does or doesn’t do will ever affect me again!
It will take careful policing. It will take stopping and breathing and not acting impulsively. It will take effort until it doesn’t anymore and it is just second nature!
He is doing nothing to me! I am doing to myself! So I will stop!! From now on, if he or any ideas about him come to mind I will say a silent prayer asking God to bless him and I will put him out of my mind.
I know I will succeed. I have faith! I am strong! I will be so much better off for deciding to put myself first and stopping the insanity!
Here is to me and my amazing bright future that starts today!!!!
I love me!!!!
12 Monday Mar 2012
Posted in Volunteering
Volunteer job! Is that an oxymoron?
Anyway, I am so excited that I am going to be interviewing tomorrow with the volunteer coordinator! The only bad part is have to leave my job earlier to go, because they only interview until 3pm. I have to leave a job that I get paid for to go interview for an unpaid job! Sounds weird, doesn’t it? I don’t feel guilt because I normally work after hours at home, so I don’t feel I am cheating my paying job.
I hope that they offer me something that I can really make a difference. I am not being picky, I will take whatever they have and I will do it with pleasure, just curious to see what they will be thinking for me!
Sitting here with a cold butt, icing my lower back. Still disappointed that I overdid and now will probably not be able to do anything for awhile.
I just hope to be better in time for my trip on Tuesday, March 20th. I am going to see my family in the other side of the equator. I will be celebrating my birthday with my identical twin sister. We will be 46!! Don’t even get me started on how I don’t want to get old and I don’t feel and don’t look my age.
Will come back tomorrow to report on my back, and most important on how my interview went!!! Fingers crossed!!!
12 Monday Mar 2012
Posted in Food
There is nothing better than a home cooked meal!
Thank you God for the food I just had: Brown rice, asparagus, zucchini and salmon!!! Delish!!
12 Monday Mar 2012
Posted in EX Files
Tags
alone, no victims, now, past, tennis
I find myself alone… and I have to sit still with that thought. I have to say it aloud and wait until that thought leaves the room!
It is a numbing feeling, but I feel better just acknowledging that fact!
Now that I recognize it and own it, I have nothing to do, but move on.
Yes, I have my “victim” moments. My moments of looking around and comparing myself to others, others that seem to lead such great, busy fulfilled and fun-filled lives. Moments of looking back and comparing to where I was not too long ago.
Today I had such a moment. I went to the neighboring town tennis courts to hit on the wall, and I get there and somebody is there using the wall. So I sit and wait and watch people playing on the courts.
I used to live in a house with a private tennis court and swimming pool, with a man that enjoying instructing and playing with me, and now I sit here with no one to play with and wondering if I will be booted out for playing on the wall when I don’t even live in this town.
At moments like this where I start missing what I had and tears start to well up in my eyes I have to make a choice: Do I run home and get under the covers and cry my eyes out hiding from the world, or I just face my new circumstance head on and move on. And I choose the latter. And already feel stronger for making that choice!
I do choose to look at the fact that I am better off for having known ex. I have learned a lot with him. I choose to thank God for having allowed me to benefit from a beautiful house with pool and tennis court. I thank God for allowing me to be part of ex and Chiefy’s lives for almost 3 years. I am going to rejoice on the memories I had and all I did and learn with and from him. I choose not to cry (well at least try not to) over what I no longer have.
Sitting on that park bench today, deciding to go home or sit and wait for the wall to be available, I said to myself: Moments like this, when you feel lonely and alone; when you feel sorry for yourself for not having anyone to play tennis with, when you vividly remember the clay court you once had at any time you wanted, those are the moments that shape you and make you stronger. These are the important choices in life. Take control of your life and live and enjoy the small moments.
The person using the wall left. I felt such happiness facing that wall. Thank you God for giving me this incredible soul and mind. For allowing me to rejoice on simple moments such as this.
I will try to chase away the feelings that nag at me, such as not having taken advantage of all I had, and now I want so much!!
So I attacked that wall as if my life tempted on, and I had a great time.
As I sit here with ice on my back I have learned another lesson: the need to warm up and not over do it!!!
11 Sunday Mar 2012
Posted in Finding Me
Tags
I just came back from the Pacha club in Manhattan. My head is pounding, just popped 3 Advil and will try to get some sleep.
House/electronic music is not for me – now it is confirmed!! It seemed like it was the same song over and over again. Too many people, too loud!
No more Pacha for me!!
and with daylight savings time I also lost 1 hour.
Going to sleep, writing more tomorrow.
10 Saturday Mar 2012
Posted in Volunteering
So the hospital called me to schedule an interview to discuss volunteering opportunities.
The only problem is I have to leave work early to go to the interview. The volunteer coordinator, the person that will interview me is only there Monday, Tuesday and Thursday from 10am to 3pm.
There is something that doesn’t feel right about that, but I decided to ignore little road blocks. If that is what I need to do to volunteer so be it!
***
I went back to the Library to inquire why I hadn’t received a call back regarding my volunteering there. Turns out the person responsible has been too busy to call me and that is why she needs me. hun? well, call me and you won;t be so busy anymore!
09 Friday Mar 2012
Posted in EX Files
I can’t lie I am very excited about seeing ex tonight. We will probably go out for a bite, come back to my apartment, I will make my delicious popcorn and we will watch a movie. Of course there will be sex at one or various points during the evening.
I am giving myself permission to enjoy ex and his presence. I know everyone, and I mean everyone disagrees with me and thinks I am setting myself up for heartache. Well, my heart I already broken. When I was moving out of ex’s house I though I was going to die, that is how painful it was. There will be no other pain like that. I was a basket case, calling my sister, that lives in another country upwards of 10 times a day.
So now, I see as enjoying the calm after the storm. I braved through the storm, why not enjoy the calm?
to be continued …
09 Friday Mar 2012
Posted in Finding Me
I realize now how much fear has hindered me and held me back! Me! Me! Strong me! I am this person that everyone thinks is so strong and for the most part I am. And today I looked back and realized I am not as fearless as I thought!
Today I vow to stare fear in the face and laugh! Actually to welcome it as steps to get me to a higher ground!!
There were times in the past that I had the chance to step up and speak up and start a new project and I didn’t for fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection. I will no longer do that. I will begin searching for projects that will put myself out there. I will either swim or sink, but I will enjoy and grow strong doing it!!!
Here is to the success that eventually will come!!
I love all these realizations!!!!