Tag Archives: heartbreak

Heart Matters and Mind Games!

19 Wednesday Feb 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Valentine’s Day Date (or not)

I was going to have a date on Valentine’s Day with this person from Plenty of Fish. It was a last minute invitation and since I had nothing planned I said yes. (also, as a side note, this is one Valentine’s Day that didn’t bother me at all, I was totally indifferent to the fact that I am single)

I walked to the bar at the appointed time imagining he was not there as he said he was running late.  I looked through the glass windows when I got there and didn’t see him there.

I didn’t want to walk into this bar alone because I always had a weird feeling about  it.  (I did agree to meet him there since I thought it would be a good excuse for me to try this bar and perhaps erase the feeling I have about it)

I had texted a couple of times saying that I was going to wait for him at the door and then saying that I was outside by the door. Later I called and he didn’t pick up.  Finally 20 minutes later when I texted  that I was going to walk home, since he apparently had stood me up,  he texts me that he is inside the bar.

As I am reading the text and not sure what to think, he walks out and without saying hello rudely says: you can’t walk into a bar?  I was floored, shocked, at not only what he said, but how rudely he said it and I said: No I can’t!

He turns his back to me and walks back inside, I turn around and start walking home. For a second I felt I was in a movie or something other than real life.

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” 
― Edmund Burke

I was shocked and confused at first, wondering why a guy would travel 1 hour to come and meet me and then have this kind of behavior.  But immediately I am strangely at peace and not even annoyed.  I know in my heart I just dodged a bullet.

“No one is more insufferable than he who lacks basic courtesy.” 
― Bryant McGill

As I walk the 2 blocks home I am thanking my guardian angels and my lucky stars for protecting me and preventing me from meeting a person that clearly it is not good for me!

Perhaps I should have walked into the bar, but what kind of man, ignores texts and phone calls and then is that rude?  Not the man that I deserve that is for sure!

I really do feel blessed and consider situations like this a blessing and not a curse!

“Blessings sometimes show up in unrecognizable disguises. ” 
― Janette Oke

****

Montreal is calling

Well, my new friend D.  from Montreal (the one  I mentioned in my previous post) sent me another email.  He asked me if I had plans of seeing him again.

I replied: “Plans to meet again?  is the ball on my court?  I guess we need to talk about that.”

He enjoyed the “ball on my court” comment (English is not his first language so I am assuming he had never heard of that expression before) and said that we need to plan it.

I would like to see him again as I had a great time with him but more as a friend and not anything romantic.  I have a feeling he desires romance, and I desire friendship.

So I am just not sure what will happen here. Stay tuned!

****

“Moving on is easy. It’s staying moved on that’s trickier.” 
― Katerina Stoykova Klemer

Ex doesn’t play dead.

It is hard to be honest about this, but what is the point of having a blog about my life if I am not going to be completely honest?  On Valentine’s Day I was hoping to hear from Ex.

I know for sure I don’t want to be back with him.  I know that he wouldn’t be good for me.  Not that getting back together is even an option.  He has already been living with someone since we broke up.

There is this part of me that still wants him to think of me. Why do I still crave those morsels of attention?  I guess because I have such a hard time forgetting about him I am wishing he feels the same.

But what is the point?  I know better!

Then in the afternoon, there comes his text: “Happy Valentine’s Day! Love” After my heart skipped a beat and I felt happy for a millisecond I was immediately mad at him for playing with my feelings.

Why does he do that to me? My last communication with him was around Thanksgiving when I asked him to pretend I was dead.  He thinks he never did anything wrong and that we are still friends (according to him his only mistake was not having the time to be the man that I wanted him to be).

He must know it hurts me… and it does hurt me! This is all about power!

I didn’t reply, it took all I got not to.  But what is the point?  To say thank you would make him think that I welcome his communication.  To again ask him to stop clearly won’t make a difference, so to ignore it seems the best course of action.

I am, however, stronger, than I ever been, clear on what I want and don’t want.  He is definitely not in my plans in any capacity.  I don’t see these moments of longing and thinking of him as setbacks, I see it as part of the path, as tests of strength and with each I become stronger.

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.”  ― Steve Maraboli

On another note his mother is moving from another state to live with him (and with his girlfriend).

I have a great relationship with his mother and will not break up with her because he broke up with me. She calls me often and wants me to go visit the day she moves in.  I said I will meet her any place else but I will not go to a house that I was forced to move out from.

I made his house a home.  I made everything about the house and the yard better.   I was proud to have cleaned up and organized it and put my mark in it.  I cannot imagine going through the house and not seeing my pictures on the wall.  I cannot imagine seeing the signs of another woman where I should be.

But the number one reason I don’t want to go there is C, the dog.  I want to see him and hug him so much.  I want to take him for a walk and play with him in the yard. But I am choosing to just hold on to the memories.  I think that if he sees me he will think I am back to stay, I cannot do that to him or to me.

“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.” 
― Haruki Murakami

new hope in an envelope

03 Thursday Oct 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files

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“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.” 
― Paulo Coelho

As I opened my mailbox I see a familiar handwriting. I look at the post-mark and it reads September 30th.  I imagine this is the response to my text (see previous post) I ripped the envelope open and here it is in its entirety, a letter from Ex:

” September 28, 2013

Ana

I love you

I always have and always will.

For 2 1/2 years I was pretty good at loving you and holding the rest of my life together.

The last few months, I was not as good and I will never be able to make it up to you or explain how disappointed in myself that I am.

Currently, I have not yet pulled the rest of my life together and many things have worsened.

You are an exceptional and wonderful person and lady that deserves better than me and I realize how lucky and fortunate that I was to be in your life, even for just a few years.

I will always provide you with anything I can, just let me know if you need anything.”

As you may have guessed I couldn’t hold back the tears.  I want to believe that he loved me, to think that I have dreamed up what we had it is too much to take. This letter somehow validates my feelings.

“A true love story has no endings.” 
― M.F. Moonzajer

I am choosing to believe his words at this point, specially when he says I deserve better.  With him still in my heart, and I am guessing he will forever be there, I am moving on.

In 2 days I am flying to Brazil to be with my family for 10 days.  It will be good to get out of the NY air and all its memories even for a little bit.

Can I close this chapter for good?

Yes I can! And I dare believe in bigger blessings coming into my life! Ex was a blessing! He showed me love, he exposed me to new experiences.  I would not trade the time that we spent together for anything in the world.  I am a better person for having met him. Perhaps he is really showing me how much he loves me by letting me go.   I am ready to accept this new version of the story.

This letter doesn’t erase his betrayal at the end of our relationship, but somehow I feel it is already helping me heal.  Acceptance…oh sweet acceptance!

“There is a saying in Tibetan, ‘Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.’
No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

The disappearing Act

26 Wednesday Jun 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I haven’t had too many relationships.  2 major ones to be exact.  I had one relationship for 20 years that ended amicably (it is crazy, but we care for each like brother and sister now).  Then there is Ex, the 3 year relationship that devastated me.  Between those two there was some dating but not a lot, so I don’t consider myself knowledgeable in that area.  All of a sudden at 47 I am a teenager in the dating word, unsure of how to navigate all the unspoken rules.

“The successful man will profit from his mistakes and
try again in a different way.” 
― Dale Carnegie

I hear horror stories about online dating, so I think I have been luckier than most.  The guys I have been meeting have been nice guys, but normally it doesn’t go more than 1 date due to no interest on my part.

Then I met Dan (name changed to protect the guilty).   He had almost everything.  I say almost because he didn’t make me go weak in the knees.  He took me to great restaurants. There was no lack of interesting conversation.   He was such a gentleman and he was not pushy for anything physical.  I had explained that I needed things to go very slow and he said he understood and it was not a problem.  He is the one that, coincidentally, has a showroom just 3 blocks from my office (how perfect I thought!).  The potential for a happy life seemed incredible.  He made me feel special.  I thought to myself: Here is a man that gets me and wants to make me the center of his world. I want that!

“I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside.” 
― Wm. Paul Young

But still after 6 dates I was not feeling it in my heart but I was thinking that perhaps this is where I should let my mind do the talking. I wrote about this mind heart conflict here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/05/27/my-heart-wants-fireworks/

Dan seemed to do all the right things.  I felt special, and was starting to think “maybe”. I was ignoring my heart and letting my mind rule.

Then there was silence:  Dan disappeared!

This happened a couple of weeks ago.  He had texted me, as he normally did asking if I was around on the weekend and I had said yes.  This was a Thursday morning so I expected to hear from him that night to make plans for the weekend.    When Sunday came around and I hadn’t heard from him I was worried that something had happened to him so I texted him.   He texted me back on Monday and I quote: “Sorry for the lateness in replying, I needed some time to sort things out.”

Not knowing what that meant exactly I just replied wishing him luck on sorting things out.

After speaking to my sister about this, she said that perhaps there was something going on with his mom.  He had mentioned that perhaps his mother would have to move in with the brother because it was becoming difficult for her to be alone.  It never crossed my mind that perhaps there was something was wrong with her.   So to have a clear conscience I reached out to him again and said that I was here if he needed to talk and that I hoped that all was okay with his Mother.  I got no reply.

2 weeks go by and I am still confused and shocked by his silence.  Was he just going to disappear and never say a word if I had never had texted him that Sunday?  Is this normal behavior?

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” 
― Edmund Burke

I was still thinking about him and his actions (or lack of it) for 2 reasons.  First I wonder if he really has some big problem going on in his life and second because he had bought tickets to take me to a show of a Brazilian singer tonight (June 26).  Was he going to all of a sudden appear to go to the concert? I was already mentally trying to decide, do I go or just say no?

So the day before yesterday the curious Aries in me couldn’t take it anymore so I texted him and asked how were things.  It took him a day to reply and he said: “ thank you for thinking of him and I am sorry I am not in a good place to communicate”.

Hum? What in the world does that mean?

I just hate stuff like that.  What is the problem with the truth?  I think I am owed that.  Why the mystery?

“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” 
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I just replied wishing him luck and saying I was only worried because I didn’t take him for a man that would just disappear.

At any rate I am still curious to know what exactly happened but not curious enough to show up at his office and demand an explanation.

This, I think, serves as a validation that my heart knew better.  I should have known better than to let my mind start talking me into liking someone when my heart wasn’t in it.  I thank the Universe for giving me an answer to this conflict between my heart and my mind.

When things like this happen I think I should get on my knees and thank heavens  that my heart came out unscathed.  As stupid as it may sound, I feel stronger for it and I feel even closer to finding the One.  It does feel good eliminating the wrong ones (wrong for me) and leaving space for the right one.

… or perhaps I should just buy a safe for my heart and keep it in there and not chance it getting hurt again, this came too close for comfort.

“Hearts are breakable,” Isabelle said. “And I think even when you heal, you’re never what you were before”.” 
― Cassandra Clare

But I am still curious if this is a normal thing, to have great dates and then never hear from the person again?  oh well, the joys of the dating world!

Heart, heart… what are you saying?

08 Sunday Jul 2012

Posted by in Dating, Finding Me

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I am sitting here trying to finish a post about my finances, but my mind is some place else.  I am thinking of how I have been in dealing with my emotions and expectations lately.  Expectations is, by the way, a word that I would like to remove from my vocabulary.

So the post about finances will have to wait (along with the check to the IRS)

I have been taking baby steps in the right direction in dealing with my emotions and expectations.  I have a long, long way to go, but these small improvements have me believing that I can get there.  There being a place where I can freely love without a single expectation.  Love for the sake of love alone!! There being a place that I know that what I feel is love for the other person, not lust, not wanting and needing to be touched only.

This has been a very hard post to write. It is hard for me admit that perhaps I shouldn’t completely and blindly listen to my heart.

I pride myself in being honest and telling it like it is. So the moment that I have feelings for someone, and for the sake of this post I am only talking about romantic relationships, I put it all out there.  I never learned how to play the dating game. I never learned how to be coy, how to play hard to get, how to go slow.  There are no mysteries with me, no guessing games. If I like someone I tell them. I bare myself and my soul.

… and then it is up to the other person to deal with me and my bluntness and all my expectations.

I will never say honesty is a problem, honesty to me is always the solution.  But there is such a thing as too much too soon and it comes with a price.  That price is rejection and pain, with perhaps the highest price being the never blossoming of a lasting love. There is also the issue of not knowing if my feelings are real or just an illusion of the love I want so bad in my life.

Problem 1: Recognizing feelings for what they are. Is it love or something else?

Baby step solution: Admitting I have a problem distinguishing my feelings. Admitting the possibility that not all my loving feelings are real love. 

So until I learn how to tell my feelings apart  (which I cannot begin to guess how to do that) I am going to deal with my impulsive actions in regards to those feelings. I have been speaking and acting with haste and without a conscious thought my entire life.   It is not only okay, but wise, to slow down and wait to see if the feelings I am feeling will remain and grow or just go away.  I can still be honest with myself and my feelings, but I just need to exercise a little caution. I should err on the side of slowness.

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.”  ― Thich Nhat Hanh

Admitting I may have a problem happened with the help of, not only, pain and reflection, but also of a friend.  He has been helping me to see that blindly following my heart and emotions may feel amazing in the beginning but it can lead to heartache.  The irony is that he is my current object of affection, attention and constant daydreaming. While I have been trying to convince him to just act on impulse he has been trying to reign me in,  trying to get me to slow down.

It is not easy for me to accept people’s help and guidance. It is not easy for me to admit that I cannot figure it all out alone.  This friend has been a blessing.  He has put up with tears and bad jokes.  He has been standing his ground as I try to, time and time again, seduce him.  In the past I would have moved on from him, but this time I want to stick around and see what the future holds. This time I am able to see the value in the friendship and not think of the romance alone.  Perhaps I am stronger and wiser, perhaps I see in him the teachings I need.  Perhaps I am ready to admit my shortcomings and make changes. Perhaps I see that his heart is in as much pain as mine. Perhaps I am just old and tired! 🙂

Problem # 2: Impulsiveness.  Reacting on every feeling, real or not.

Baby step solution: Trying to sit with the feeling before reacting. Trying do engage my mind into the equation.  Trying being the key word here.

My impulsiveness has caused me to just blurt out what my heart is thinking as soon as I think it.  I say whatever comes to mind to anyone, at any time, in any circumstance.  Some times people think I am funny, sometimes they think I am a breath of fresh air, but most times I am just too straightforward to some, too shocking. I jump in head first in a relationship just because it feels right.  Just because my heart told me so.

There is no thought in my actions.  There is impulse and reaction.  There is really no time for anything else.  So the key has been trying to slow things down enough to have my mind in the mix.

“Let the first impulse pass, wait for the second.” Baltasar Gracian

Text and e-mails were sent out of the blue just because.  That modus operandi lead to disappointment and unnecessary grief many many times and lead to relationships ending before they started. I think I have scared men.

In the past an example of my pattern would go something like this: I hear my heart talking about some feeling for someone and if I felt reciprocated I would go in overdrive mode. I would sent texts and emails and not be shy about talking about my feelings.  I would feel amazing about it… for about a second. Then reality would set in and I would be maniacally waiting for a reply that sometimes never came.

My impulsiveness is never alone, it is always accompanied by its sister expectations.

Problem #3: Controlling my expectations. Always expecting acceptance and love in return.

Baby step solution: Considering the consequences of each action and the potential result.  Trying to understand my expectations and letting them go.  Enjoying the feeling of an action without an expectation and building on that feeling.

When I didn’t get a response to my e-mails or text, or when the person somehow didn’t live up to my expectations, I would blame and admonish myself for my haste and I would blame the other person for giving me those feelings and then backing away.  I never understood why wasn’t the person seeing the genuineness of my words and actions.  Why wasn’t the person honored by my attention and affection?

In the past everything I did had expectations attached to them.  Everything! No one could win with so much expected from them.  It was like I was always setting the other person up to fail, and they eventually did.

In the last couple of weeks I have come up with and have put in a practice a 1 minute rule to deal with my e-mailing and texting. When I write a text or an e-mail I force myself to go away from it for 1 minute.  In that minute I answer the following question: Will I be okay if I don’t get a reply, or if the reply is not positive?  If my answer is yes then I hit send, if the answer is no or maybe than I save it and revisit it later or just go ahead and deleted it.

It has been amazing what this one little change has done.  It has freed me.  I continue to send emails and texts that are perhaps a little too forward, but they go off into the sunset on their own, with no expectations attached. I hit send and forget it.  I no longer keep checking my phone looking for a reply.  The truth is I still over share, but I no longer put any burden on the other person to reciprocate.  Some times I get responses back and some times I get silences and I am okay with both because my goal has changed. The goal is to honor that feeling at that moment and not to get anything back.

Now, phone calls and in-person are another story.  As far as those I am trying to speak slow and to actually hear the other person out. Slowing down seems to be the way to go for me in all senses.

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”  ― Donald Miller

I have faith that I am going in the right direction.  I know I am not betraying my heart, even though it feels a little like that, but I am helping my heart make informed decisions. Impulsiveness is me, but it doesn’t have to be the whole me, it doesn’t have to define me. Expectations is a fact of life for me but I can learn to co-exist with it in peace.

Lastly, I know I have used the  word “change”, but I actually like the word “improving” better.  I don’t want to change myself, I want to improve myself! God has made me this way for a reason and I don’t want to change me. He also gave me tools, sometimes in the form of people, to guide me and help me to grow.  God has given me wisdom to see that I don’t have to cause myself unnecessary pain.   He has opened my eyes to see that I am no alone.

my friend is a cookie in a cookie jar that is way beyond my reach. If I go up on the counter to try to reach it I may fall and hurt myself. But sometimes all I want is a cookie and nothing else will do! sometimes scraped knees don’t seem too bad! 🙂