Tag Archives: family

Jealousy, Happiness or something else?

11 Friday Apr 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Hi friends, It has been a longer than usual…Where do I start?  Life happens… good and bad, and all I can do is manage the very little I have control of.  I realize, more and more, the need to speak less and listen more.  It seems that will be the path to my personal wisdom. My impulsive mouth gets me in trouble every time.

Moving on… Work is chaotic at times, but I realize that is when I am more productive.  Reigning over chaos makes me feel powerful.

Mom is in town, which means more of everything, more eating, more shopping, more watching TV.  Did I mention more eating?

Having Mom in town has been great for dating, and I am not being sarcastic.  It has been a great tool to weed out some of the potential dates out.  If someone cannot wait 3 weeks or less to meet me, how great a partner are they going to be for me? I am not saying they are not great, but the person for me will understand that I have a limited time with my mother and I am choosing to put her first over somebody I didn’t even meet yet.

Speaking of dating, 3 ghosts from the dating past have resurfaced.  One called wanting to check if I still had the same work number – he announced he got married.  The second wrote wishing me a happy birthday – he announced he just got engaged.  The third wrote to tell me that he has met someone and they have been dating for a couple of weeks.  I am not sure why he felt the need to write and tell me that, perhaps he wanted to share his happiness or perhaps he wanted to tell me I missed out.

I honestly don’t know how to feel about all those ghosts from the “not so far past” being happily coupled.   Originally when I heard from all 3 in the space of 2 days I confess I felt a hint of jealousy.  Then on the next second I thought to myself, shouldn’t I be happy, or perhaps even relieved? I am the one that decided not to continue to date, or even to start dating them.  My feelings haven’t changed.  They are all great guys, but not great for me.  So in the end, I am choosing to be happy that they are happy.

Perhaps the real question here is:  Will there be a great guy for me, or should I settle for a great guy period? Perhaps my heart is stuck on that one “great”(and I use the term loosely) guy that is now known as Ex, and I am blind to everyone else?

“Not the power to remember, but its very opposite, the power to forget, is a necessary condition for our existence.” ― Sholem Asch

I still continue to struggle with thinking of him.  The absurdity of such situation is not lost on me.  It will be 3 years soon.  When will I stop thinking of all those happy moments?  When will I not get so sad that I was so easily replaced? I am happy and content with my single life, or am I not and just fooling myself? Now that my Mom is here I catch myself mentioning his name more and more.  I actually told her that she is allowed to slap me on the mouth if I ever say his name again.  She agreed. I am happy to say that I have not been hit yet! 🙂

When will my heart understand what my mind and soul already knows?  That part of my life is over and done with.  There were great moments, but in the end that it is all that it was: great moments.  I am deserving of more and better.  I am deserving of always and forever.

The forgiving part was easy; the forgetting part has been a battle.  I am persistent and this war is not over yet.

“Without forgetting it is quite impossible to live at all.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Simply getting older or getting older simply?

02 Wednesday Apr 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“There is not love of life without despair about life.” 
― Albert Camus, The Stranger

 This has been a surprisingly difficult post to write.   Turning 48 it is not all about cake and candles, it is all about being near 50.  Having another birthday shouldn’t be a big deal for ‘positive’ me, but yet I am facing a multitude of feelings and not all of them are good.  

All of a sudden there is this looming sense of dread, finality and mortality.  What have I done with all prior years? I have this fear of life escaping between my fingers while I daydream about it.  I fear wasting talent and good healthy years.

“The day you lose your sense of wonder is the day you grow old.” 
― Marty Rubin

My mother is turning 79 in a couple of months and, even though she is a dynamo, is amazingly sharp and in great shape, I see the years in her.  And I see myself in her. When did she get old?

This post was totally different and way too long and contemplative of the past that I cannot change.  I have made mistakes, took turns when I should have gone straight, jumped head first when I should have tiptoed in, but still there is a sense of pride in doing life as I want and not as others expect.  There is beauty in following my heart! I will relish on that!

“Youth is wasted on the young.”― Oscar Wilde

So good bye long post, the whole message in this post is only 2 lines.  It is dedicated to my twin sister (who has been in the receiving end of a lot of criticism lately).  No long lists that I never look back at.  Just 2 lines that will improve my life and my years.

  • More water, sleep and exercise.  Less mindless eating.
  • More patience and listening.  Less reaction and criticism.

“The day you lose your sense of wonder is the day you grow old.” ― Marty Rubin

I will make myself accountable by being in the moment and keeping close attention to my actions.  Progress will be met with rewards (foot massages here I come!!) Failures, well there is not failure in trying my best!

 “Mortal as I am, I know that I am born for a day. But when I follow at my pleasure the serried multitude of the stars in their circular course, my feet no longer touch the earth.” ― Ptolemy

Back to my waiting life!

27 Thursday Mar 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Fiction

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“Old places fire the internal weather of our pasts. The mild winds, aching calms, and hard storms of forgotten emotions return to us when we return to the spots where they happened.” ― Siri Hustvedt, The Sorrows of an American

I returned from Brazil 2 days ago.  In some instances it feels I have never left the US, in others it feels like I was away for years.  I am blessed to be a citizen of two countries, but at times I feel I belong in neither. I love taking time away and being with my family but I am happy to return as I cannot stay away from my routine for too long.   Is it the fear that things will fall apart in my absence? Or perhaps the opposite, the realization that all progresses very well in my absence?  I think it is a matter of being a control freak. I always come back renewed and hungry to improve in all areas of my life. I got use this momentum to get moving in the things I want to accomplish.

“Be genuinely interested in everyone you meet and everyone you meet will be genuinely interested in you” ― Rasheed Ogunlaru

A couple of highlights from last week: I met very interesting people at the airport.  (I will talk to anyone that makes eye contact 🙂 ) I met a young entrepreneur from Liechtenstein building a business that empowers women affected by human trafficking.  I will write more about him and his business as I learn more.  He introduced me to 2 women and a man from the Masai tribe in Tanzania.  They all had come to attend events celebrating The International Women’s Day at the United Nations in NY.  The 2 women spoke no English other than a couple of words.  The language barrier was replaced with smiles.  Later I was able to get M. (also from Tanzania and attending the event, but not from the tribe) to translate.  The two women from the tribe were shocked to find out I was not married and have no kids. One commented that I must have turned down many marriage offers.   G., one of the women said that she is sure God will send me a child as she made some gestures towards the sky.  I joked that I need a husband first.  It seems I am an anomaly in any culture or anywhere in the world.  Be it in the US or Tanzania, to be in my late 40s, never married and have no kids is shocking!

“Each person you meet is an aspect of yourself, clamoring for love.”  ― Eric Micha’el Leventhal

Meeting them was awesome for so many reasons! It renews my love of different cultures and this dream of travelling the word.  They were eager to invite me to visit them.  In that way they are like Brazilians; our doors are always open to new friends.  This chance encounter also reignited my volunteer flame. To me education for all girls, actually boys too, as well as men and women, especially in impoverished countries, is the key to a better future for all.  Knowledge brings empowerment. I have to find a way to do my part.

“To Whom Much is Given, Much is Expected” ― Luke 12:48

Being with my family is always a blast! We don’t always agree on everything, but whatever disagreements we have are normally out of too much love.   We eat, we laugh, we eat some more.  Who knew just one week could do so much damage to my waistline?  It is great to see that mom and dad are doing well! Dad has completely won his cancer battle! My brother and sister are thriving professionally with great plans towards the future.  To me happy people make plans.  Any time someone has plans to look forward to it, it shows their hope for the future.  Hope is the best thing a person can have, I cannot ask for anything else for them. My dad was always a homebody, which only got worse after he amputated his right leg, so it is great to see him getting out a bit more.  Lately, whenever I am in Brazil he agrees to spend one afternoon at the pool house and also to go to brunch at a winery.

“Sisters function as safety nets in a chaotic world simply by being there for each other.”  ― Carol Saline

One low moment,  realizing that my sister and I get along better from a distance.  On the phone we rarely have disagreements, in person we get so critical and so defensive that at times we were unable to have a conversation.  I guess it has to do with expecting the best from each other, knowing what our potentials are and expecting more.   I am sure being identical twins contribute to that.  Anything I said seemed to spark defensiveness. Perhaps I should not call this a low moment but a huge opportunity.  An opportunity for more communication, more acceptance, more love and more self-awareness and self-reflection.  I need to look in the mirror, as I am sure that which I find fault in her is what I am guilt of. The best thing is feeling loved and well received and that is clear to see from all of them!  I am blessed with a great family!

“I find the best way to love someone is not to change them, but instead, help them reveal the greatest version of themselves.” – Steve Maraboli 

Heart Matters and Mind Games!

19 Wednesday Feb 2014

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Valentine’s Day Date (or not)

I was going to have a date on Valentine’s Day with this person from Plenty of Fish. It was a last minute invitation and since I had nothing planned I said yes. (also, as a side note, this is one Valentine’s Day that didn’t bother me at all, I was totally indifferent to the fact that I am single)

I walked to the bar at the appointed time imagining he was not there as he said he was running late.  I looked through the glass windows when I got there and didn’t see him there.

I didn’t want to walk into this bar alone because I always had a weird feeling about  it.  (I did agree to meet him there since I thought it would be a good excuse for me to try this bar and perhaps erase the feeling I have about it)

I had texted a couple of times saying that I was going to wait for him at the door and then saying that I was outside by the door. Later I called and he didn’t pick up.  Finally 20 minutes later when I texted  that I was going to walk home, since he apparently had stood me up,  he texts me that he is inside the bar.

As I am reading the text and not sure what to think, he walks out and without saying hello rudely says: you can’t walk into a bar?  I was floored, shocked, at not only what he said, but how rudely he said it and I said: No I can’t!

He turns his back to me and walks back inside, I turn around and start walking home. For a second I felt I was in a movie or something other than real life.

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” 
― Edmund Burke

I was shocked and confused at first, wondering why a guy would travel 1 hour to come and meet me and then have this kind of behavior.  But immediately I am strangely at peace and not even annoyed.  I know in my heart I just dodged a bullet.

“No one is more insufferable than he who lacks basic courtesy.” 
― Bryant McGill

As I walk the 2 blocks home I am thanking my guardian angels and my lucky stars for protecting me and preventing me from meeting a person that clearly it is not good for me!

Perhaps I should have walked into the bar, but what kind of man, ignores texts and phone calls and then is that rude?  Not the man that I deserve that is for sure!

I really do feel blessed and consider situations like this a blessing and not a curse!

“Blessings sometimes show up in unrecognizable disguises. ” 
― Janette Oke

****

Montreal is calling

Well, my new friend D.  from Montreal (the one  I mentioned in my previous post) sent me another email.  He asked me if I had plans of seeing him again.

I replied: “Plans to meet again?  is the ball on my court?  I guess we need to talk about that.”

He enjoyed the “ball on my court” comment (English is not his first language so I am assuming he had never heard of that expression before) and said that we need to plan it.

I would like to see him again as I had a great time with him but more as a friend and not anything romantic.  I have a feeling he desires romance, and I desire friendship.

So I am just not sure what will happen here. Stay tuned!

****

“Moving on is easy. It’s staying moved on that’s trickier.” 
― Katerina Stoykova Klemer

Ex doesn’t play dead.

It is hard to be honest about this, but what is the point of having a blog about my life if I am not going to be completely honest?  On Valentine’s Day I was hoping to hear from Ex.

I know for sure I don’t want to be back with him.  I know that he wouldn’t be good for me.  Not that getting back together is even an option.  He has already been living with someone since we broke up.

There is this part of me that still wants him to think of me. Why do I still crave those morsels of attention?  I guess because I have such a hard time forgetting about him I am wishing he feels the same.

But what is the point?  I know better!

Then in the afternoon, there comes his text: “Happy Valentine’s Day! Love” After my heart skipped a beat and I felt happy for a millisecond I was immediately mad at him for playing with my feelings.

Why does he do that to me? My last communication with him was around Thanksgiving when I asked him to pretend I was dead.  He thinks he never did anything wrong and that we are still friends (according to him his only mistake was not having the time to be the man that I wanted him to be).

He must know it hurts me… and it does hurt me! This is all about power!

I didn’t reply, it took all I got not to.  But what is the point?  To say thank you would make him think that I welcome his communication.  To again ask him to stop clearly won’t make a difference, so to ignore it seems the best course of action.

I am, however, stronger, than I ever been, clear on what I want and don’t want.  He is definitely not in my plans in any capacity.  I don’t see these moments of longing and thinking of him as setbacks, I see it as part of the path, as tests of strength and with each I become stronger.

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.”  ― Steve Maraboli

On another note his mother is moving from another state to live with him (and with his girlfriend).

I have a great relationship with his mother and will not break up with her because he broke up with me. She calls me often and wants me to go visit the day she moves in.  I said I will meet her any place else but I will not go to a house that I was forced to move out from.

I made his house a home.  I made everything about the house and the yard better.   I was proud to have cleaned up and organized it and put my mark in it.  I cannot imagine going through the house and not seeing my pictures on the wall.  I cannot imagine seeing the signs of another woman where I should be.

But the number one reason I don’t want to go there is C, the dog.  I want to see him and hug him so much.  I want to take him for a walk and play with him in the yard. But I am choosing to just hold on to the memories.  I think that if he sees me he will think I am back to stay, I cannot do that to him or to me.

“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.” 
― Haruki Murakami

Bye 2013, Welcome 2014!

31 Tuesday Dec 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“Love is the absence of judgment.” ― Dalai Lama XIV

I was going to write a year-end balance of my life.  I was going to illustrate how far I have come and where I want to go.  The truth is it doesn’t matter!  What is important is that I continue growing, improving, facing old fears, charting new courses, moving always.  One foot in front of the other, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, but always taking a next step.

Coming very far just shows me that I have so much more to go and do.  Same with knowledge, but it is better to know than live in blissful ignorance.  Knowledge is power!

“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” ― Socrates

My wish for myself and for the world in 2014:  More acceptance and less control and judgment.

“Whenever you feel like criticizing any one…just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald

I realized that my wanting to improve myself and the world around me, even though it a good thing, it was becoming a tad too controlling and self-important.  I was trying to control my surroundings.  I was passing judgment and I was not accepting of people’s difference of opinion.  I was feeling a little too self-important, like I have the knowledge and if people can only do as I say and follow my lead all would be fine.  Where is the respect for other people’s free will?

We all have our roads to travel, our crosses to bear, I have no right to interfere.   Even if asked, I should refrain from opining.  I don’t have all the answers.  Actually, even worst, I don’t even have all the questions.

“Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.” ― Paulo Coelho

So in 2014 I will watch for the times that I am passing judgment, for the times that I am trying to exercise control of something or situation.  I will accept more and do less (less manipulating and controlling).  I will refrain from giving advice.  I will allow nature to take its course without my constant need to guide the destiny.  Less reaction, less meddling, more acceptance and understanding!

Every single one of you are important to me and a part of my journey. For that I feel blessed and I am grateful! A wondrous and blessed 2014 to All!

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu

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What seeds am I planting?

20 Friday Dec 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Whistler, BC, Canada

Whistler, BC, Canada – where I would love to be at this moment!

I was thinking of 2014 and I realized how important what I am doing at this very moment contributes to my future – no earth shattering news there but sometimes I catch myself going through the motions and not really living or paying attention to what I am doing.

I decided, to quote my favorite movie “Shaswhank Redemption”, get “busy living” instead of get “busy dying”.  I decided to take a look at my present behavior to see if I am conducting myself in a way that benefits my future.  What seeds am I planting?

Here are the questions I am asking myself, and in a way here is my self improvement list:

1)    Am I getting enough sleep and drinking enough water?

2)    Am I learning to accept, love and take care of my body the way it deserves?

3)    Am I watching what I eat and drink?  Am I getting enough protein and less sugar?

4)    Am I making sure I am not overindulging in anything, and letting any one thing control me? Chocolate, TV, even a good thing such as exercise can become an addiction if I let it control me.

5)    Am I reading more and watching less?  Books are food for my mind and soul, TV can sometimes desensitize us and make us life observers and not participants.  (of course there are bad books and good TV shows too!)

6)    Am I making sure I am not wasting my time online with useless distractions?  Online life can be addictive and unreal.

7)    Am I simplifying my life?  Getting rid of the excess, old and unused? Donate, trade, re-purpose!

8)    Am I recycling and not wasting resources?

9)    Am I keeping clean surroundings?  A clean desk, house, mind means more efficiency.

10)  Am I respecting my parents and my elders? Am respecting their opinions, their limitations?

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. ~Anaïs Nin

11)  Am I being kind to strangers?  Am I being kind to all, especially when it is most difficult to do?

12)  Am I surrounding myself with quality people, good energy people? Am staying away from negativity?

13)  Am I getting myself out in the world and networking and cultivating good relationships?

14)  Am I updating my resume and qualifications? Am I being ready and prepared should I come to need it?

15)  Am I giving back to the community, to the world? Am I volunteering my time and energy to worthwhile causes?  Am I donating money?

16)  Am I obeying the laws, written and unwritten?

He who knows others is learned;
He who knows himself is wise.
~Lao-tzu

17)  Am I being moral and ethical? Am I making sure that I am not taking shortcuts?

18)  Am I replacing old bad habits with new good ones? For example, taking a walk after dinner instead of sitting in front of the TV.

19)  Am I facing my fears and getting out of my comfort zone? This is the where and when my soul shines and my self esteem rises!

20)  Am I smiling often? Am I smiling when things are good and smiling even more when things are bad?

21)  Am I making sure I am not settling for less than what I deserve for fear (of something, the unknown, of being alone, etc)?

“It takes courage…to endure the sharp pains of self discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives.” 
― Marianne Williamson

22)  Am I talking less and listening more? Am I using my words for the good?

23)  Am I using my skills and talents to the best of my abilities?

24)  Am I always learning something new?  (to me this is the key to staying young)

25)  Am I praying and having positive thoughts throughout my day? Am I trusting the God/Universe/Light within me?

26)  Am I being in the moment?  Am I being conscious of my actions and not going through life as a robot?

27)  Am I forgiving and forgetting? Am I forgiving others for wronging me?

28)  Am forgiving myself for past mistakes? Am I taking corrective measures to right and wrong but not dwelling in it?

29)  Am I learning to ask for help and accept help when I need it?  Am I offering help?

30)  Am I creating goals and working towards achieving them?

All men should strive to learn before they die
what they are running from, and to, and why.
~James Thurber

31)  Am I keeping stress at bay, by learning to relax, breathing and hitting pause when necessary?

32)  Am I being non-reactive? Am I making sure that I am not being impulsive with my actions?

33)  Am I being financially responsible and living within my means?  Am I cutting out unnecessary expenses? Am I having respect for my money and the hard work I put in to get it?

34)  Am I accepting people as they are, and not imposing my will on them? Am I being non-judgmental?

35)  Am I welcoming pain, problems, obstacles, challenges, etc, as a growth opportunity?  Am I looking at the situation and learning from it?

36) Am I loving when hating would be easier?

37) Am I being grateful for all I have been blessed with?  I am honoring my blessings and not taking anything for granted?

This is an on-going list as I am a work-in-progress!

“It is necessary … for a man to go away by himself … to sit on a rock … and ask, ‘Who am I, where have I been, and where am I going?” 
― Carl Sandburg

My favorite flowers: daisies

My favorite flowers: daisies!

Welcome to my pity party and please bring ICE

04 Thursday Jul 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Thank you for joining me in my pity party.  I think this is my first official one, so please allow me to fully enjoy this moment and don’t hold it against me.

I hate when a holiday sneaks up on me likes this 4th of July did.  All of a sudden I find myself alone and with nothing planned.   It feels like the entire world has plans and people to plan it with, except me.

Of course I know better, and know that I am not in this boat alone, but no one can argue with feelings and that is how I am feeling right now.

“Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need                     to be by yourself. Life’s cruelest irony.” ― Douglas Coupland

I wish I had planned to go away, a mini adventure of sorts or anything, even what I used to do in the past on lonely weekends: go to the casino.  With free room, entertainment, and enough points for a spa treatment that always made me happy.  But I haven’t done that in so long that it didn’t even cross my mind until now.

A friend invited me to her house last minute.  I don’t like last minute invitations.  I prefer to plan things in advance. yep, lonely, sad and picky!

“The trouble is not that I am single and likely to stay single, but that                I am lonely and likely to stay lonely.” ― Charlotte Brontë

While I am at it, I just realized that I am in need of new ICE.  Not the stuff found in the freezer or in the cosmopolitan that I very proudly just made myself for the first time.  I was going to have juice from my new juicer, but since this is a party I figure alcohol is in order.  Anyway, the ICE that I mean is the In Case of Emergency.

I realized today, yep only today, that I need to change my ICE on my phone.  My Ex is still listed under ICE on my phone.    Why didn’t I change it before? Was I hoping that eventually he would become my ICE again?  or perhaps it was avoidance, not really wanting to face the fact that he is no longer my rock.

“We live as we dream–alone….” 
― Joseph Conrad

But who should be my ICE?  My next of kin is 4,800 miles away.  I doubt that would be helpful in an emergency.

The realization that I cannot come up with someone to be my ICE person makes me feel even more lonely.  More than lonely, actually, it makes me feel alone in the world.  Yes,I know I am being a drama queen, but it is my party, so allow me to do and feel as I please.  I have friends, great friends, but ICE should be that person(s) that would drop everything to be by my side and I am not sure any of my friends would do that and I would not expect them to either. Perhaps I should expect more from my friends.

Why am I allowing myself to feel this sorry for myself now all of a sudden?  I have been living away from my family (or any relative) for the past 28 years.  I never had too many friends.  I have not always had a boyfriend.  I am now supposed to be older and stronger, not older and weaker.  It is an uncomfortable feeling.

At the same time acknowledging my feelings, even if I am not proud of them, feels important and necessary at this point in my life. I was always the one that never complained or felt sad or sorry for myself.  Allowing myself to fully feel all feelings and not sweep them under the rug is liberating.   Discovering what is really behind some of my actions will probably be what will take me to the next step in healing from this never ending broken heart.  Why am I so intent in finding a partner?  Is it just so I have someone to go away with on holidays?  Realizing that I am not missing Ex, just missing someone is another huge step.  It makes me see the necessity of stopping and taking a deep breath in my quest for a partner. There is a real danger of going into a new relationship for the wrong reason.

I really miss having that one person that you want to call with good or bad news.  I miss being safe with someone. I am tired of being the grown up, responsible, in charge of myself.  It was so much better when, even if it was for a brief moment, that I felt taken care of, cared for, safe.

When I had a flat tire awhile back, I remember thinking to myself that money is a single girl’s best friend.  Money gives you options and also rescues you.  I like the phrase: “Throw money at the problem!”  It has been true to me.  but money doesn’t keep you warm at night, well it can …but we will not go into that.

Whenever I complete forms, mostly medical forms, asking for a contact in case of emergency I have been putting down this person that is always happy to help anyone.  But lately she has been so overburdened with her own family issues that she has not time to spare and I have started to feel bad writing her name down in the case that she really needs to be contacted.  I feel like saying no one, I can only count on myself, but how pathetic is that?

But at the end of this party, I have to say that I really know how truly blessed and lucky I am.  Being alone has its own share of blessings and opportunities.  I am able to do whatever I want, when I want, no need to explain or tell anybody anything. No family constraints or obligations.  I can explore and have as many dates I want with as many men I want.  I can really choose the right one, or perhaps realize that the right thing is to be alone.

This is the time I should be using to do all the things I love and get back to travelling alone like I always did. There is a whole world out there waiting to be explored.  There are tons of things for me to do, to learn, to share, so to spend time feeling sorry for myself is a waste of precious time that I can never get it back.

So this pity party is now officially over.  Thank you for coming and allowing me wallow in pity for this brief moment in time.  Until next holiday!