Yep another post about Ex

29 Sunday Apr 2012

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Sorry I know all I do lately is talk and cry about Ex, but please bear with me I know this will not last forever and at least it got me blogging.

I know things happen for a reason and I know I will be better off alone, but still is so painful.

I long for the day that he will not be the first person I think about in the morning when I wake up and the last person I think about before I fall asleep.

It is still beyond comprehension why would he decide to throw “us” away. We had so much fun together, and still do every time we are together. But it is over.  For some stupid reason I thought I was still going to continue seeing him after I moved out. I did and I could continue to do so, but I recovered my senses.  Why would I want to continue seeing a man that betrayed me and that is putting his dick in every pussy he finds. 

I am forgiving myself for seeing, and when I say seeing, I mean sleeping with him, the few times I did. I love him, what can I do? So that is what women in love do some times, we do stupid stuff and try to rationalize it. I said I was going to be open to love and just love as much as I can, and not put any burdens or ask anything back.  Well that is all fine and dandy, until it all hits you in the face.  WHY?

I am going to be open to love, but that is going forward with the next people I meet.  With him being friends is already more than he deserves.  When I think back, and believe me I do it many times throughout the day, even though I am trying not to, I realize even more lies.  Things fall into places, his sneaky behavior, the major attachment to the phone, the never ending work at the office, etc, etc, 

I plan on continue to be his friend, because I think that holding grudges and carrying anger inside me would me more harm than good, but I plan never ever allowing his lips to touch my lips or any part of my body other than my face for a kiss hello and vice-verse, my sweets and soft lips will never touch anything on him other than his face.

It feels good to come up with decisions such as deals and to realize that I am choosing to love myself. I am getting back some little pride and self esteem.

I am going to save my body and soft lips for the next guy.  The very lucky next guy!

E-harmony here I come!!!

LOVE: Do you know the meaning of the word?

28 Saturday Apr 2012

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.I have to be honest here and say that I have a huge problem with the phrase “I love you”. It is just too overdone.

I guess because I grew up in Brazil and we just don’t go around saying “I love you” all the time and to everyone. Sure we are a loving country, happy country, but we don’t growing up we don’t get overdosed in “I love you”

In Brazil, “Eu te amo” is strong, powerful, meaningful and you don’t hear it too often, at least I never did growing up.  I know my parents and siblings love me but we didn’t go around saying it to each other.  And even now I have a hard time saying it to them because it feels forced and unnatural. 

My mother said “I love you” by cooking us great meals as well as working hard to help my father to put food on the table and a roof over our heads.  That was how love was shown.

Then all of a sudden I move in with Ex 3 years ago and there is an abundance of “I love yous”. We are saying to each other, to the kids, to the dog.  I am saying to his mother. But does anyone really mean it?

Now that Ex and I no longer live together, and now that it is clear that he is seeing other women, he still will say I love you to me. I wish he would be honest and just say “I love me”, because that part is clear. Does Ex really know what love is?

I am not saying that people should stop saying “I love you” altogether, just don’t say as if you say I am taking a walk or something mundane like that.

From now on when you say “I love you” pay attention and ask yourself if you really meant what you just said. Or you just said because you are used to, or the other person was expecting or perhaps you feel good by saying?

I want people to be more honest with their feelings, honor your feelings and only voice them if you feel like it.

At any rate I long to find “the One”, because Ex was certainly not it! And I hope in the future to be able to tell the difference from the fake from the real “I love you”

I don’t think so, I think he and many other Americans just grew up hearing and saying it, but never fully realized its meaning.

Love is strong, is precious, is meaningful. 

You say Love easily, but do you live Love? Words are cheap, easy, I want to see action.  I want to see somebody show love.  Because love means respect, love means honesty.

So please Ex, stop insulting me with your “I love yous”. I no longer care, I no longer buy it!

 

 

So now I am mad!!

26 Thursday Apr 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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I just read in a Brazilian site about what this soccer player’s wife said about a husband cheating on his wife.

First the soccer player in question is Kaka, handsome, religious and rich.  She is a spoiled rich girl that got lucky in the husband department.

Any way she said and I am going to loosely translate from Portuguese: I would forgive a betrayal because wwhen the man betrays is a sign that the wife failed in some area. She was not giving what was necessary, and I don’t mean only sex. I speak of caring, dialogue, cumplicity. If Kaka betrays me it means I am doing something very wrong.

Her name is Carol Celico and supposedly they were both virgins when they got married.  Kudos for them, but not our real world.

I hope she does not go through a betrayal in the future, but I would like her to at least for a second feel what we, betrayed women, feel.  We do enough of second guessing on our own. We do question if we gave enough in all areas. We do look back and look for places where we could have been more caring, more attentive, more supportive, less critical, less demanding.

But guess what?

After all this guilt trip, after all this blame game, after all the clue collection and soul searching I realize that a man cheats because:

He was not man enough to voice his opinions, needs and wants.

He wasn’t honest enough to say that he no longer wanted a relationship.  

He thought he could get away with it.

The situation/opportunity presented himself.

He is having a mid-life crisis.

He wants to tell himself he still got it.

He is bored.

But I found the real truth.  A man (or woman) cheats because they are not happy with themselves.  If they were happy with themselves they would choose the honest path, they would communicate.  They would perhaps realize the value in their partner and how good they have at home before it is too late.

So, Carol Celico you are famous by virtue of your husband, please use this fame for some worthwhile causes. Do not use your soapbox to make woman feel guilty.  Do not add to their pain by making them feel it was their fault.  Their egos and self esteem are probably shattered by now, do not make it worst.

I know in my heart that I did my best and more than that in all areas, but sometimes no matter what you, no matter you can turn water into gold, some people will just lie to your face and cheat on your.  Their reasons, if they are able to come up with any, are not important.  the damaged is already done.  And lies and excuses just make it worst.

It would be refreshing to just hear: I lied and cheated and I don’t deserve you, please forgive me! 

Now that is what I wanted to hear, but I am sure some of you have heard that time after time, so if you do love yourself first and move on.

***

Do you agree with Carol Celico?

If not why do you think man cheat?

 

The last kiss you gave me

26 Thursday Apr 2012

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The last kiss you gave me

Let me describe the scene: As I was driving away you reached your head inside the car and kissed me.  I felt nothing, the fireworks were no longer there.  I was staring not on the face of the boyfriend.  I was staring in the eyes of a liar.

The last kiss you gave me

It was empty

It was cold

It was painfully emotionless

It was dead

The last kiss you gave me had nothing that I knew we had

There was no feeling

There was no warmth

There was no desire

The last kiss you gave me it was for appearance

It was to keep the impression that all was ok

The last kiss you gave me it was as if it represented all you felt for me: nothing

 

I try not to think that it was a big nothing, but how can I not?

Where was I that didn’t see your unhappiness, I thought the laughter and intimacy was joy

Where was I when you had already began getting involved with others?

Didn’t deserve respect?  Do you know the meaning of the word?

Didn’t I deserve honesty?  Do you know what that it is? 

I am trying not to hate, not to be angry, not for you but for my sake.  I don’t want to carry it around with me.

 

I thank God and the Universe for giving me the strength not to crumble. 

For making me realize that all this is growing pains.

For making me see that I am special and honest and deserve the same.

 

What you did and are doing, and we both know what those are. I probably don’t know the full extent of it, but at this point I don’t even want to know. Nothing else surprises me.

It is weird but I feel I have been sleeping with a stranger.  What made you change?

You hit 50 and all of sudden you want attention and power and some more attention. Oh well, go and enjoy and I hope it feeds your cravings.

I wish you only the best. I hope you never ever have to feel the pain I feel inside.  Take my word for it loving a loser is no fun!

So it is indeed fitting that I will not have a passionate last kiss to remember you buy.  It will be as meaningless as I was to you.

The last kiss you gave me is what I am most thankful for!

***

Yes folks, I am in pain, and said to say that tears are still coming. If anyone can relate please let me know perhaps we can help each other.

On days such as today

25 Wednesday Apr 2012

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On days such as today I wished for no feelings, I wished for a heart of stone.

I realized that all that Ex is doing has nothing to do with me.  It has to do with his own insecurities. So he is a lying cheating dog, the best part is I don’t have to put up with that.

I thought we could be friends but it is extremely hard to be friends with someone you don’t respect.

I don’t respect his lies, I don’t respect his disrespect, I don’t respect his farce. I don’t respect his ego the size of Texas.

Becoming 50 did something to him.  All of a sudden he craves attention and I wasn’t enough.  I know that it has been 7 months since we broke up but it is still incredibly hard to understand what happened.

What happened to a relationship that was fun, loving and hot, in and out of bed?

Ex has his good points, I guess as any human being does. I guess the only way I see to preserve the friendship is to hold on to those and to distance myself as much as I can.

I hope that I am granted the wisdom and discernment to learn the lessons of this phase of my life.

May God bless me today.  May God bless Ex today.  May God bless you all today.

Are you going through dramas of the heart now? Would love to hear all about it.  I need help …

Clear mind on a clear day

24 Tuesday Apr 2012

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That is what I want most: a clear mind, on this clear day!

I am achieving that. I am facing my future today, I am facing truths that are undeniable. There is no way I can sweep it under the rug anymore.  There is no way I can ignore the huge white elephant in the room.  The end is here.  I thought it didn’t have to happen, I though I could just go slowly day by day and it would happen naturally.

But I guess sometimes nature forces you to act. There are such things as acts of self preservation. This end is my self preservation.  It is my saying to myself: you are important, so I will let go of everything else, of the illusion of comfort and amenities, the illusion of companionship and friendship.

There is one day when you must stand up and against everything and everyone and say enough is enough. I am turning the other cheek, I am forgiving and forgetting, I am wishing you happiness, but I don’t have to be around.

Being around Ex, even though not often, just stirs up stuff inside.  The last few days all my feelings have been on high alert. I am seeing things, I am feeling things. None of it positive.  So I am doing my best to just last these last few days for the sake of the Moms.

God please help me bite my tongue and keep me from speaking all that is inside me.  For once hold back the impulsive me.

There is no need to say anything, there is no need to ask questions, there is no need to confront.

Volunteer Efforts Update

23 Monday Apr 2012

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Unfortunately right now nothing is happening.

the “Friends of the Library” hasn’t called, despite the fact that I was told that the lady in charge desperately needs help.

The Medical Center needs me to get tested, but it is a 2 day process, and I feel that I already have taken 2 days off. One for the interview with the Volunteer Coordinator and the other to go get a physical. I wish they would work with me a little better.

So right now I am take a breath and rethinking everything.  I still want to volunteer, and I am still looking for opportunities, but I am not in the great hurry I was before. I am impulsive and tend not to think things through, so I am  trying to be less impulsive here.

The Medical Center said they really need volunteer like me during the week days, which for me doesn’t work, so she would have me helping out with the seniors living at the resident center on Wednesday because they can always use extra hands there.  But it didn’t sound like they really needed anyone.  Yes it was kind of disappointing.

Do you know of any volunteer opportunities for someone that works full time and can spare several hours in the evening and weekends?

Monday, Monday

23 Monday Apr 2012

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So casino trip is over and now is Monday and back to reality.  There is something good about getting back to the routine of work.

Routines are comforting!

I ate too much.  What goes on in our brains that makes us crave food? I wished I craved salad.  But I don’t! I crave the crunchy, the salty, the sweet, the creamy.

I have to say that I am extremely proud of myself for following through on my decision to not eat chocolate for 1 year. November 4, that will be the day of reckoning, the day I have to decide if I start to eat chocolate again or not.  I don’t look forward to having to make that decision.

Tomorrow will Ex and I will take the mom’s to Broadway to see Spiderman. I am looking forward to it.  I enjoy Broadway shows a lot.

I will report back with a review on Spiderman, and also on the restaurant we choose to eat.  Right now I still don’t know where we will be eating.  I was thinking Carmines, since it is a legend and I have never been there before I thought it would be a good chance to go, but of course, they have no room.

What restaurant in the Theater District do you enjoy?

What Broadway and off-Broadway shows have you seen lately that you recommend?

At the casino with the Moms

21 Saturday Apr 2012

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Sitting here waiting for KC Mom to finish her shower so we can go for breakfast. I am at the Grand Pequot Hotel at Foxwoods Casino. We arrived yesterday and will be going home tomorrow.

We had fun yesterday and managed to have fun playing with house money. We had lunch at the Season’s Buffet. Of course I overate, but not too bad. I need to really watch myself and not get carried away eating just because the food is there staring at me.

I know it is strange to be going away with Ex’s mother and my mom, but I decided that there is no need to sever relationships. In my decision to just love I am willing to forget about a lot. It is funny because right now it is like nothing ever happened and we are back as a couple, loving, at that.

Believe me I am not thinking that we are back to normal. We are not and it will never be. I moved out as he wished. I am right now open if someone new comes along. I don’t expect Ex and I will last. Do a tiny bit of me deep inside still hopes? Yes!

Fooling myself or not I am living the moment!

Are you right now fooling yourself about something or someone?

Forgiving and trying to forget

19 Thursday Apr 2012

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This morning I was feeling at odds.  I didn’t know what to feel. I am close to Ex, we are spending this week together and I am seeing this as a big opportunity to find out how I really feel about living with him.

And I started remembering the things that I think he did, some I am sure and others I am just assuming. In the past thinking of those things would have made me mad, angry, cry, uncertain about the future, but today I did something different.

I let the thoughts flow in and out of my mind.  I stepped aside and didn’t try to put any weight to any specific thought. And what happened was amazing.  I realized that I don’t need to hold to past feelings and hurt, but I also don’t need to pretend they didn’t exist.  I can let them flow in and out without disturbing my core.

And I am forgiving, forgiving it all, what is real and what is imagined.  I am forgiving even if I am not being asked for forgiveness.  I am forgiving because forgiving makes me lighter, makes me happier.  Ex will have to deal with whatever he didn’t or didn’t do.

I read an Oscar Wilde’s quote the other day: “Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future” and I just loved it.  To me it says at all.  We all makes mistakes and we are all capable of good.  The present moment is the defining moment that we make a choice.  So who am I to pass judgement on anyone? Who am I to think that I have been caused some emotional harm and need to repaired?

I am but a human, capable of good and bad, and right now at this moment I am choosing to to just love and forgive, with tons of hope for forgetting.

Are you able to forgive and forget?