Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

Bye Bye Chocolate, See you soon!

19 Saturday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me, Food

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November 4th 2011 I made a decision that surprised all that know me well.  I decided to stop eating chocolate for 1 year. Everyone thought I was going crazy.  Well, really, they thought that I couldn’t do it.

I was addicted to chocolate! I specially enjoyed cakes, brownies, ice cream, candy bars, actually anything, except Hershey’s.  (I never liked Hershey’s chocolate, but other than that I liked any other brand.)

I used to eat chocolate every single day of my life. My house, my office, my car, my purse, I had chocolate everywhere for when the mood struck.  And it struck often, several times a day.

I cannot tell you why I decided to quit chocolate.  I don’t know the answer.  It was unplanned. If I were planning it I would have started on a Monday not on a Friday! But now, in hindsight, I realized that if were still eating chocolate I would be 300 pounds by now because I would have drowned my sorrows in chocolate.

November 4th was around the time that I became aware that my life was about to change, that life as “we” was over.  I still didn’t want to face it.  I was still thinking that it could still work.  How could it not? It had to work! I had so much love, my love was enough for the both of us. Doesn’t love conquer all?

It takes 2 to tango and it takes 2 to want to stay in a committed relationship! That is it! It is that simple!

I guess quitting chocolate was my way of exercising some sort of control over my life.    My relationship was out of control and the more I try to hold on to it, the more it spiraled and unraveled.

It has been mostly easy, ok, ok the days that we have Crumbs cupcake in the office, which is around once or twice a month are specially hard, but other than that I am surprised at how well I am handling it.

To me it shows how strong I am.  It reinforces to me the idea that I can do whatever I put my mind to! (me and the rest of the planet)

Now that I conquered chocolate I have a few more food items to conquer, such as sugar and bread, but I really need to think about those.  Bread: I go to bed dreaming about my bread and butter for breakfast.  Sugar: why do you think I am doing so well without chocolate?

The real question is: What am I going to do when November 4th 2012 arrives?  a)Will I just go nuts on chocolate?, b)Will I eat it in moderation or c)Will I decide to just quit it forever?

Stay tuned…

So called friends

17 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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The tumultuous day I had yesterday got me thinking (yes I do that some times! –  whenever I am not too busy watching tv or eating – just kidding)

I realized that perhaps I am not as good a judge of character as I thought I was, or perhaps I am becoming naive in my old age. And of course, I learned that appearances can be deceiving.

People that I thought were friends treated me in a less than friendly way.  People that I thought had great morals turned out to be a little flexible with their morals.

In the space of 2 weeks I have 3 less friends/acquaintances/contacts:

The ex-client V. (see my post: When you think you have a friend … May 7, 12) – that kept trying to chat about sex when I expressly said I was not interested in that kind of talk, and then just logged off and I never heard from him again. I see now the value of my friendship to him. For the record nothing wrong with harmless sexy chatting, but he is married and I don’t want to cross that line.

The ex-dancing buddy B. (see my post Am I becoming a prude? May 10, 12) – the one that wanted to keep me hidden, see me when his friends were not around and of course, I am sure, he would not ever mention to his wife about a female friend. We still exchange e-mails but it is not the same.

And then yesterday the train buddy (see my post My day destroyed with 1 phone call! May 19, 12) – that I thought was such a great man and could have been more than a friend turned out to be a disappointment. He later told me that the woman that called me yesterday was a married woman that he had had an affair with (probably while having other girlfriends) and she was having trouble accepting the break up.

I realized that what they have in common, other than they all being of the male persuasion,  is that they are all people that I had met several years ago and lost touch with.  Then one day they reached out and we started talking again.

I am thinking that there was a reason that they were in the past, and I probably should have left them there.

There is only a couple of problems:

1) As it is I am already a loner with not a lot friends.  If I am going to start to shut down the ones that return from the past I better then start adopting a few cats.

2) Nowadays you are nothing if you don’t have contacts.  I could be jobless tomorrow and have to start knocking on some doors.  It is very hard to knock on doors of people that you haven’t spoke to in years, or people that have reached out to you and you have ignored.

What is a girl that wants to get out of the house to do? What is a career girl to do?

But, there are lessons here, as there always is in every situation.  I have learned that I can be too trusting. Also, I think, oftentimes, I make people into what I think they are and not what they really are.  So I am going to take a real close look at my relationships. How am I treating and being treated? Is this relationship building me up or just tearing me apart and bringing me down?

And as I write this I am making arrangements to meet an ex-co-worker that I haven’t seen in a couple of years.  This is really a nice guy!! I promise!

Tennis Progress Report

15 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Progress Reporting:

Goal: To improve my tennis game

Yesterday I had my first private tennis lesson.  It was so great! I can’t believe how much I have learned in 30 minutes!

One of the things I found out is that I have been playing with a kid’s racket.  Well, at least I hope it is true and that  the instructor was not just trying to sell me a racket by telling me that I needed a new one.

Tonight I have the group lesson for 1 hour.  I am hoping it will be even better than last night.  I hope the rain holds off so I can actually have the lesson.

I am also hoping to make friends to play tennis with.  As with anything you try to learn in life, practice makes it perfect or at least much better.  Similar to many things in life,  tennis is one of those activities that you need a partner to be able to play. So that has been one of my challenges lately: finding partners.

I have also signed on a tennis site called http://tennisopolis.com/.  It is a Tennis Social Network site.  I have actually met and played with one person there, but our schedules haven’t worked out to play again – like I have said before, everyone is so busy nowadays.

It feels great to be working on my goals! And it feels even better to be moving in the right direction!

If you have a goal or something that you have always wanted to learn, do or start, the moment to do it is NOW.  Not tomorrow, not Monday, not next week, not when you find a friend to motivate you, etc, etc. The moment is Now!

So what goal are you going to start working on?

 

No to you and yes to me!

12 Saturday May 2012

Posted by in EX Files, Finding Me, Poetry

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It feels good saying no

and for the first time meaning it

not having even a second of doubt

 

Your invitation is insulting

it says nothing is changed

when nothing is the same

 

it feels good saying no

when just a week ago I would have said yes

It feels good saying no to you

and saying yes to me

 

when I said no to you, I said yes to:

Do I deserve honesty?

Do I deserve respect?

Do I deserve loyalty?

Do I value me?

Yes, yes, yes and yes

 

When I said no to you.

I said yes to me!!

Am I becoming a prude?

10 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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So I have this male friend that we exchange e-mails weekly, sometimes daily.  He is younger than I am and we used to go dancing together (we met at a dance club) and yes we kind of had a brief thing at that point.  But that has been long in the past, almost 10 years ago.

We have not seen each other since then.  We have spoken on the phone and lately just e-mails.

He is now married with a kid. We talk about work and goals.  We do reminisce about the past every now and then when we talk about some song we used to dance to, but to me, not to go there again, but just for what it was: a good time.

So yesterday he mentioned that came to NY City last week to go to a game, and that he stopped at a pub and had some drinks.

I wrote half jokingly that I was hurt that he wouldn’t say anything to me or invite me to a drink.  So he replied and I quote:

“Hurt?  I apologize 1000 times, but I wasn’t exactly going there by myself.  I had 2 other guys with me.  Had I been by myself, you’d have been my first call.  ;)”

What? I am thinking as I read it. What does that mean?  Am I a friend that needs to be kept hidden? What are really your intentions then if we ever meet again?

I then wrote to him that I didn’t think that meeting would be a great idea anyway.

He asked me to explain that, to which I answered:

Well, if I cannot meet you while you are with friends, it feels like we would be hiding.  And I want to lead a transparent life.

I guess I officially became a goody two-shoes prude! I just don’t want to have a friend that cannot tell his wife that he has a female friend.  And moreover I don’t want to cause any conflict in anyone’s marriage.  Am I over-thinking this?

It seems that another, so thought of as friend, bites the dust!

Oh well, I do need to make new friends, and ones with no ulterior motives.

Today I woke up singing

05 Saturday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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Today I caught myself singing a Brazilian song written by Chico Buarque de Hollanda in 1976.  It is called “Olhos nos Olhos” “Eye to Eye”

and here is the part I caught myself singing:

Olhos no olhos, quero ver o que você faz
Ao sentir que sem você passo bem demais
E que venho até remoçando
Me pego cantando
Sem mais nem porquê

Here is my loose translation:

Eye to eye, I want to see what you do
When you realize that without you I live very well
that I am even getting younger
and I catch myself singing
For no reason at all”

**

Amazing how, unconsciously, that is where my mind is.  Me, that never sings would wake up singing that song, that part is to me a sign.  A sign of growth and recovery and happiness.

Thank you God and Universe for the rehabilition of my cells, to the the renewal of each day, for the knowledge, experience and certainty, that this minute was better than the one before and that the next minute will be even better.

***

Here is the whole song and my loose translation:

Quando você me deixou, meu bem
Me disse pra ser feliz e passar bem
Quis morrer de ciúme, quase enlouqueci
Mas depois, como era de costume, obedeci
Quando você me quiser rever
Já vai me encontrar refeita, pode crer
Olhos no olhos, quero ver o que você faz
Ao sentir que sem você passo bem demais
E que venho até remoçando
Me pego cantando
Sem mais nem porquê
E tantas águas rolaram
Quantos homens me amaram
Bem mais e melhor que você
Quando talvez precisar de mim
‘Ce sabe a casa é sempre sua, venha sim
Olhos nos olhos, quero ver o que você diz
Quero ver como suporta me ver tão feliz

translation:

When you left me, my dear
You told me to be happy and be well
I wanted to die of jealousy, almost went crazy
but later, as I was used to, I obeyed

When you want to see me again
You are going to find me renewed, you better believe
Eye to eye, I want to see what you do
When you realize that without you I live very well
that I am even getting younger
and I catch myself singing
For no reason at all

and so many things have come and gone
so many men have loved me
more and better than you

When, perhaps, you will need me
you know the door is always open, do come
eye to eye, I want to see what you say
I want to see how so you stand to see me so happy

****

Is there a song that you find yourself singing for no reason?

 

oh Pleeease!!! Your love is worthless

03 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in EX Files, Finding Me

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so Ex has sent me a couple of texts, saying that I looked sexy last time he saw me and trying to invite himself over, to which I told him the truth, which he doesn’t really deserve, but telling the truth is how I choose to live, here is my e-mail reply:

“I am hurting (well, you know that), still crying over the loss of “us” every single day

 I looked the other way so many times, with D. I pretended it was not happening, but celebrating anniversaries with M. was just the nail on my coffin

 I can’t understand what have I done to deserve this from you

 Right now praying every day to preserve our friendship and the love that I still feel for you and that you never had for me”

Here is his reply:

“I love you very much

 Always have, always will

 I know that we reached a point that I was unable to be the person you wanted me to be

 Perhaps at some point I may be able to

 You can and do think a lot of things, but never think that you are not loved and though about every single day of my life, many times”

Can you believe this reply?  I guess that worst than a person lying to others is a person that lies to himself. Is either that or he is a total psychopath.

So I am not even bothering replying anything at this point, because, obviously he wouldn’t know truth and honesty if came up and bit him in the face, but let me just point out the obvious on his reply:

He says he loves me very much.  Words are cheap and easy.  His actions do not demonstrate that.

He says that he was not the person I wanted him to be. Amazing how he turns it around like I was the one unhappy one and the one with problems. But I guess in a way he is right, I wanted a man I could trust.  I wanted an honest man, that would be faithful, and that would think that I alone was good enough for him. I wanted a man that could keep it in his pants.

He says: perhaps at some point I will be able to (be the person I want him to be).  Sorry that ship has sailed.  After trying, trying and trying some more, I had to face the truth that he just doesn’t want me. But it is really clever how he tries to keep me going with promises of a future. How he keeps dangling the carrot in front of me.  Sorry, that carrot is no longer appealing.

He says: that I can think of many things except that I am not loved and thought about daily.  Funny freaking way of showing his love.  Lets count the ways: 1)by having all sorts of women coming to the house, 2)taking all sorts of women on dates, 3)by lying to my face many times, including saying that he wanted to be alone to focus on his business and children, 4)by saying that he was not doing anything for me, with me on Valentine’s Day because he didn’t want to send me the wrong message, 5)celebrating anniversaries with at least 1 woman, yep on the 22nd of May it will be 2 happy months with M., and so many other ways the loves and thinks of me daily, but I will not bore you with anymore details.

YES, HE REALLY LOVES ME!!!

please remind me: why am still trying to preserve a friendship with him??

Do I look for love or do I let it find me?

03 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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This is the question that I have been pondering over lately.

Do I active seek love or just go about my business and let it find me?

And when I say “love” I mean soul mate, my partner for life, I don’t mean just a date or a roll in the hay.

Because the truth is, I don’t need a boyfriend, but I want one. I do plenty of stuff alone and I adore my own company.  But there are a lot moments where it would be could to have a partner.

I am already happy, so I don’t need someone to make me happy.  I want someone to share my happiness.

Getting back to love finding me, it should be pretty easy, one would think, since I have been blessed with a star on my forehead.  But what I realize that only the special someone will see the star and find me.

Now the question is: Where is he?

Did he give up looking for me and married somebody else?

I thought I had found him, but the truth is I wanted him so much that I made him up. Ex was so charming that I figure this is it.

So, right now I am on e-Harmony. But sometimes it just smells of desperation, of offering myself.

I like to think that I am being pro-active, like they say about the Lottery, you have to be in it to win it, so I guess this is my way of being in it!.

So are you actively pursuing love or are you waiting until it finds you?

Exes are like old clothes!

30 Monday Apr 2012

Posted by in EX Files, Finding Me

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Exes are like old clothes that no longer fits us.

You know it does not fit you. Perhaps it is old and ripped, perhaps it is too small or hopefully too large, perhaps it is a style that it will never come back again.  Whatever the reason maybe, there is a reason why those articles of clothing have been put aside and rarely looked at it.

It takes space in your closet and it is a constant reminder of some other time.  And every now and then, perhaps when you are about to actually donate or put it in trash, you get nostalgic and think of all the emotional attachment, how you were that on your 30th birthday, or you bought it in Thailand and therefore irreplaceable, or how you got a compliment when you were it.

Whatever the reason may be you once again put it on, only to confirm that it looks awful, feels awful, or perhaps after you use you get a rash from the cheap material.  There is nothing good about it.  So are you going to get rid of it or put it back in the closet to revisit it at some point?

That is exactly what I was doing with Ex.  Revisiting it time and time again.  Thanks Heavens and the Universe that I woke up and realize that no good can come from going back there.

The truth is deep down inside I still thought and hoped that it would work.  I was willing to forget and forgive everything, thinking that love conquers all.

Love conquers all when there is love.  Lust doesn’t conquer all.  Lust gives you great moments, but that is it!

So glad, so relieved, so thankful that I no longer have hopes that there is a future for Ex and I.  So grateful that now I can look at him and think he will be a friend (if he is lucky), but that is it!

That realization is priceless.  It is a huge stumbling block being lifted from my path.

So, forget about old clothes, donate, sell, give it away.  Make space for new and better clothes.  You are not the same person anymore.  You are better and deserve better!

Don’t get stuck in the past!! Move on!!

Are you stuck in repeating patterns?  Are you stuck in the past, still refusing to give up?

“She likes it!”

30 Monday Apr 2012

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Today Ex came over to show his mom my new place and to go out to dinner.

I had mixed feelings.  I love Mom and really wanted her to see my place, but I question seeing Ex often and its effect on me.

Since I had the confirmation of yet another woman in his life and how he is already celebrating anniversaries with her, because as he told me: “She likes it”.  With those 3 little words, he killed all the respect that I have ever had for him.  It was like I was punched in the stomach.  Since then, I have been putting all my efforts into forgetting I have ever loved him as a partner.  I am, for the sake of everyone, including me and the moms, trying to love him as a friend.

So, he came over, I showed mom my apartment and we went to dinner at Sweet Potatoes in New Rochelle, NY.  I will post the review on a following post.

On meeting him I made sure to avoid his lips and gave him a peck on the cheek and a quick hug.  I am sure he was a little taken aback by my not giving him a kiss on the lips and a tight hug.

We went to dinner and enjoyed very much and had pleasant talk about a variety of subjects.  Then we returned to my apartment and he attempted to help my put together my sound system.

He got some part working, and I was grateful for that, then they got ready to leave. Mom and I hugged and kissed and it was his turn and I tried avoiding his lips and tight hug, but his lips touched mine.

Still not sure how I feel about that kiss. Actually I know, I felt nothing. I think the spell is broken and I will be able to move on.  I am glad that my resolve to not have any romantic or sexual contact with him continues and continues very strong.

Every time I feel my resolve weaken I think of those 3 little words: “She likes it”.