Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

the dating continues…

04 Friday Sep 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” ― Carl Gustav Jung

Since G, the insecure personal trainer, has become history there has been a few guys that I had been speaking to and  2 that I met.  

I met F – The Widower.  We first started speaking 1 year ago on POF. He kept asking for additional pictures.  I felt I had plenty on my profile and refused to sent to him.  He kept insisting, I got annoyed and decided that I didn’t want to meet him at all.  After meeting again on Match I finally gave in and met him for a drink.  He drove 1 hour,  I took literally 30 steps to the Italian restaurant next to my apartment.  That was the extent of effort I was willing to put into this date and he knew it.

It was a friendly meeting.  He talked a lot about his late wife who died 10 years ago, and apparently became a saint.  No one can and wants to compete with a saint.  He wants to go out again. I am interested in friendship only.

“We have to recognise that there cannot be relationships unless there is commitment, unless there is loyalty, unless there is love, patience, persistence.” ― Cornel West

I met T – The Client.  We met on Match and realized that we were in the same industry and that he was actually a former customer.  Since he is no longer a customer I decided to meet up.

Since we were meeting at a Brazilian restaurant next door to my sister’s job on 46th Street in Manhattan my sister joined us half way through the date. It was a lot fun.  There was a lot laughing.

We had passion fruit and lime caipirinhas and had some yummy skirt steak with rice, beans and yucca fries. We also had cheese bread and some other appetizers. We took home chocolate and coconut fudge balls.  Those little desserts are so delicious!

Since I brought my sister along, I insisted on paying half. He didn’t want to agree but I beat him to the check and made sure to pay half.  He insisted on walking us to the train station.  We kept in touch and will meet again but I am not sure there were romance vibes for me.

“Never marry at all, Dorian. Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.” ― Oscar Wilde,  The Picture of Dorian Gray

I am currently talking to a few guys but 2 seem interesting enough to text/talk so I gave them my number:

M-the Neighbor.  We realized the we live just a couple of blocks away from each other.  The other day I waved to him when I was walking home from work.  He doesn’t know where exactly where I live.  We will be meeting one of these days.  So far we are having trouble coming up with a time.  It will probably happen some time next week.  We haven’t spoken a lot, mostly exchange a few texts here and there, but he seems like a good guy.

A-the Renter.  We have been speaking for 1 month.  He currently lives in California but is moving to Manhattan in the next few weeks.  I am calling him The Renter because 80% of our conversations are about the rental market in Manhattan.  He has been back and forth from CA but because of COVID quarantine requirements we haven’t met yet.

At this point it seems neither of us are in a hurry to meet.  I normally like to meet right away, the longer one talks without meeting there is the change of creating a false sense of intimacy and thinking there is more connection than there is. There is also a bigger potential for miscommunication.

“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures bristling with prejudice and motivated by pride and vanity.” ― Dale Carnegie

A few days ago I detected a change.  A text went unanswered and later he said something about not feeling well and going to bed earlier.  A perfectly plausible excuse, but that is not what my gut is telling me.  The texting and calls decreased, and so did my interest.  But I still think we can meet and be friends.

I want to meet someone and be transformed.  Not because he is making me better, or I am making him better, but because we can no longer imagine a time when we weren’t in each other’s lives. I want the love that emboldens and strengthens us and make us want to conquer the world.  So I search and search…

“Even if you cannot change all the people around you, you can change the people you choose to be around. Life is too short to waste your time on people who don’t respect, appreciate, and value you. Spend your life with people who make you smile, laugh, and feel loved.” ― Roy T. Bennett

 

The beautiful mosaic of life

27 Thursday Aug 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me, Mosaic and other crafts

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“Life has its ups and downs. When you are up, enjoy the scenery. When you are down, touch the soul of your being and feel the beauty.” – Debasish Mridha

I am sorry I haven’t written in awhile.  I have been busier than usual with tons of work deadlines and I also have been going out more than usual.  But the real culprit is my lack of energy and less than optimal mood.  Some days I am struggling to be upbeat.

There is no need to worry, I am still smiling and enjoying life.  It is just a downturn on that journey full of ups and downs that we call life.  How boring would life be if there were no ups and downs? BORING!!

I am having some issues with my tenant and some other issues that I think are contributing to bringing me down.  My hip and clavicle continue to prevent me from exercising the way I want.  Lately, health-wise, it seems that if it is not one thing it is another.  I am happy to report though that the vertigo feelings are gone! (Thank you Tom for the recommendation!)

“If we do not have the depths, how do we have the heights? Yet you fear the depths, and do not want to confess that you are afraid of them. It is good, though, that you fear yourselves; say it out loud that you are afraid of yourselves. It is wisdom to fear oneself.” ― C.G. Jung

All the issues that are bothering me aren’t really that important in the grand scheme of things.   I am able to appreciate that at times such as this, my body, mind, and soul are crying for help.  They are telling me that I need to stop, pay attention and make some changes.  I need to acknowledge that.

It is time to recharge, to redo, to rethink.  Why am I letting situations affect my mood.  Happiness has always been a choice for me.  I need to remember that.

Life is a mosaic, with good parts and not so good parts all working together to make us a whole beautiful artwork. Broken pieces of anything can be put together and create something beautiful! There is no perfection in mosaic, but there is beauty! 

“Climb up the stairs cheerfully, climb down the stairs cheerfully! Let your mind be unaffected by the ups and downs of life!”― Mehmet Murat ildan

It is important that I know and acknowledge that I am blessed beyond belief.  My list of blessings are endless.

This downturn is also a way the Universe uses to prevent me from becoming too complacent, too comfortable.  It is amazing what and how much we get used to, even pain and discomfort can often become the norm.  I keep learning to live with body pain instead of addressing it more effectively. 

This not so optimal phase is a wake up call.

I am feeling down, but life continues to be full, and getting fuller by the minute,  I am doing my mosaics, eating out often, and going on adventures.  Saturday was mosaic studio and a night with the girls. Sunday was the beach. The smile is sometimes forced but it is still a smile 🙂

As far as dating I haven’t given it too much time but I been exchanging messages with a few guys.  I have also been exchanging texts with someone I didn’t meet yet, but I see so much potential.  Finger crossed.  More to come.

I leave you with my latest mosaic project.  Another table.  I still have to paint it, but I am holding off on that for now.  I think I will eventually open a craft shop called “Tables or Us” 😉

Fun, sun and won some!

13 Thursday Aug 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“Tomorrow is tomorrow.
Future cares have future cures,
And we must mind today.”
― Sophocles

Another weekend is around the corner and I didn’t even have a chance to write about the last one, so here we go:  My sister and I  went again to Foxwoods Casino.  This time we brought along another friend that had never been there before.  She was tired of being locked in for so long.

I think I will be going to Foxwoods more often.  They give me free hotel rooms and I am just 10 minutes from Mystic, CT and 20 minutes from the beaches in Rhode Island.  Plus, I have a friend in Westerly, RI that we like visiting.  She knows the ins and outs in the area and loves to show us around.

This time we played the slots, spent time sightseeing, ate delicious meals, laughed a lot and, most importantly, we forgot all our troubles for that weekend.  We came back renewed and with plans to travel more.

“It is difficult to live in and enjoy the moment when you are thinking about the past or worrying about the future.  No amount of regretting can change the past, and no amount of worrying can change the future.”― Roy Bennett

Here are some pictures:

View from Andrea Seaside Restaurant

Drinks from Guy Fieri’s restaurant. One is Guido’s Freaky Tiki (Bacardi 8, Passion Fruit & Tiki Sour), and the other is Tattooed Mojito (Bumbu Tropical Rum, Strawberry & mint, Lime Simple)

Misquamicut Beach, Rhode Island

I won 1K in a slot machine.

After treating my sister and a couple of friends to meals at Andrea Restaurant, Guy Fieri’s Kitchen and Hash House I made $1,000.00 in a slot machine.  I believe it was the Universe paying me back.  In the end when all was said and done I had a free weekend. The casino comped the room, and the slot win was enough to pay for all I spent (gas, gambling, meals, etc).

Below, not related to anything, it is a music video I enjoy.  I love when singers from different countries sing together.  Below is Ivete Sangalo from Brazil and Alejandro Sanz from Spain.

 

 

More patience, less anger!

07 Friday Aug 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“I am awfully greedy; I want everything from life. I want to be a woman and to be a man, to have many friends and to have loneliness, to work much and write good books, to travel and enjoy myself, to be selfish and to be unselfish… You see, it is difficult to get all which I want. And then when I do not succeed I get mad with anger.”― Simone de Beauvoir

I have been frustrated and angry.  Angry with people. Angry at the world. Angry at myself.  I wrote a post about it.  I took a break from it, came back and re-read it.  I wanted to throw up.

It was all about me wallowing in self pity.  It was this long list of complaints. I went on and on about people not being fair to me and the fact that I cannot do anything at the moment.  It was me being sad, angry and feeling powerless.  

“The best fighter is never angry.” – Lao Tzu

Since when did I become that person? I refuse to allow myself to be down in the dumps. I refuse to be angry without action.  Just being angry solves nothing, just eats me up inside.

Do I have a cause to be annoyed and complain?  Yes, I do.  But what will I accomplish if I let myself go down that rabbit hole called anger?  I fear never coming out of it. 

Whatever I am facing now I have to learn to live with it for the time being.  It is not the “punching it in the face” time yet.  Time and time again I am being taught patience and reminded that it is not my timing, but the divine timing. There is a right time for everything.

“Never respond to an angry person with a fiery comeback, even if he deserves it…Don’t allow his anger to become your anger.”― Bohdi Sanders

I will do now what I do best. I am going to count my blessings, of which I have so many.  I will start making a list, not of everything that is going wrong as I was doing before, but all that is going right.  Making a list of all my blessings helps put me in the right frame of mind.

It reminds me of how truly blessed I really am.

“Don’t waste your time in anger, regrets, worries, and grudges. Life is too short to be unhappy.”― Roy T. Bennett

As I deleted that post and embarked upon writing this one I received a message from my brother.  He is one of those people the you hate, but love, that will send you memes, jokes, prayers, songs, anything.  He sent me the video below. 

I thought the message couldn’t be more timely and appropriate for me: Let it be!

The problems, the anger, all the issues that are making me sad, sick, and keeping me awake at night I am going to just let it all be.  I am going to put it all aside until the right time to deal with it.  Chances are that they will resolve themselves before then.

I am not one to let problems sit still, but Kabbalah taught me that some of my actions are really overreactions and knee jerk responses that only bring about more pain and chaos.

I now try to let a problem be still and marinate before attacking it.  Taking that time beween problem and action helps me see things clear and deal with the problem with the right amount of attention and force.

“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”― Aristotle

Until I am ready to deal with the problem why should I let all that is annoying me and ailing me take away my sanity and energy?   I refuse to do it.

These times haves been a struggle for everyone.  It seems that there is one problem after another, but such is life – a succession of challenges. 

In my now deleted post I mentioned needing peace and wisdom.  We all do!  But what I sometimes fail to remember is that those are all within in me  They are my core.  I just have to connect to it. 

I will not find those outside. Peace is within me and happiness is a choice.  Those abstract concepts makes so much sense to me. That knowledge is both powerful and freeing. I can assert for sure that I am at peace and I am happy.  No matter what!

“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety, or possessions – we cannot be free.”― Thich Nhat Hanh

oh, and about that list of everything that is going right in my life, it is just too long! It is becoming a very long list that deserves it’s own post but for starters:

  1. I am alive
  2. I am going away for the weekend

  • Wishing you a blessed weekend!

    • We are loved, we are love, so let’s act like it!

    01 Saturday Aug 2020

    Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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    “The rain to the wind said,
    You push and I’ll pelt.’
    They so smote the garden bed
    That the flowers actually knelt,
    And lay lodged–though not dead.
    I know how the flowers felt.”
    ―     Robert Frost

    I saw these 4 lines below somewhere (I wish I remembered where so I could credit them). For some reason it stayed with me. I liked the simplicity of it.

    Que o vento leve,                                                                                                Que a chuva lave,                                                                                              Que a alma brilhe e                                                                                            Que o coraçao acalme.

    My attempt at translating it:

    May the wind take,                                                                                             May the rain wash,                                                                                             May the soul shine and                                                                                      May the heart be calm.

    “The breath of life is in the sunlight and the hand of life is in the wind.”― Kahlil Gibran

    Those 4 lines re-energizes me.  It gives me the idea of rebirth and the idea that we can always turn things around with just a change in attitude.  Fortunately,  often, all it takes is to stop, take a breath and make the decision to see things with new eyes.

    All of a sudden, a problem is not a problem, is an opportunity.

    “Not knowing when the dawn will come
    I open every door.”
    ― Emily Dickinson

    Let each gust of wind take away all that is bad and no longer useful. Let the wind bring you good energy and all that is useful for your improvement.  Invite the winds of change in.   Embrace it.

    Let the rain wash away your troubles and worries.  Be unburdened and light as a feather.

    “Inside us there is something that has no name, that something is what we are.” ― José Saramago

    Let your inner self shine through, and illuminate all those around you.  It is not only about you.  It is about everyone and everything you touch.  Let all interactions be positive and fruitful.  Be better and make others better.

    “When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.”
    ― Rumi

    Let you heart be at peace.  Don’t burden it unnecessarily.  Give it space, listen to it and nurture it.  It will nurture you back!

    I hope everyone has a blessed weekend!

     

    You Are Loved (Don’t Give Up)

    Josh Groban
    Don’t give up
    It’s just the weight of the world
    When your heart’s heavy
    I, I will lift it for you
    Don’t give up
    Because you want to be heard
    If silence keeps you
    I, I will break it for you
    Everybody wants to be understood
    Well, I can hear you
    Everybody wants to be loved
    Don’t give up
    Because you are loved
    Don’t give up
    It’s just the hurt that you hide
    When you’re lost inside
    I, I’ll be there to find you
    Don’t give up
    Because you want to burn bright
    If darkness blinds you
    I, I will shine to guide you
    Everybody…

    Slow down, you move too fast…

    20 Monday Jul 2020

    Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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    “Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.”― Art Buchwald

    On Wednesday night G (the man I mentioned I dated 15 years ago), my sister and I went to Turquoise, a Turkish restaurant in Larchmont, NY.  The food and service were impeccable.  We all shared zucchini pancakes and shrimp (they did, I don’t eat shellfish). For the entree my sister and I had grilled fish with spinach and rice.  G had lamb with couscous.  I had rose wine, my sister had a bay breeze cocktail and G had a Turkish beer.

    G and my sister got along well.  We were joking and laughing the entire evening. After dinner he drove us home.  My sister offered him some German chocolate cake and he accepted, so he came up to my apartment to have it.  I didn’t feel like already having him in my apartment but it was okay.  He sat and ate a couple of slices of cake, then left.

    My friend Mary from Rhode Island had baked the cake for her friend’s birthday but because the cake fell apart she was too embarrassed to give it to her.  When we unexpectedly showed up in RI she offered it to me when I mentioned chocolate cake while we were having lunch.  It didn’t look pretty but it was delicious.  

    “It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.” ― Jane Austen

    On Thursday night G and I went to the Cheesecake Factory in White Plains for dinner.  I had this bacon cheeseburger with sweet potatoes fries that was so yummy, I am dreaming about it now.  Their bread basket is just heavenly.

    I just need to start taking pictures of my food.  I keep forgetting 😦

    He wanted me to go to his apartment after dinner with some excuse that I needed to try peanut butter and jelly sandwich, something he eats daily.  I never had it before, and have no interest in starting it now.  I declined.  I feel he was disappointed since that was the best excuse he could come up with to have me in his apartment.  I care and yet don’t care about his disappointment.

    G asked me where I wanted to go on Saturday.  I mentioned that I hadn’t agreed to go out on Saturday.  I was honest with him about my feelings and wants, and really about not knowing exactly what I want.

    “As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself…The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage.”― Bessel A. van der Kolk

    I told him that I thought he is going too fast too soon.  He wants to go out every single day, and that is way too much.  I am a Horse in the Chinese horoscope, I don’t like fences or the feeling of being tie down.   Or perhaps the issue is that I am afraid of getting hurt.  Or hurting him.  Anytime someone seems to be all in the way he is I fear for their feelings.

    Or perhaps still, the issue is just that I don’t like him enough.  I think when I meet the right person there will not be “too much too soon”, there will not be hesitation, there will not be confusion.  

    He agreed to slow down and said:  “tell me if you want to go out on Saturday, or any other day”.  I said ok.

    I didn’t want to see him this weekend, but it turned into a very busy weekend anyway.  I went to the office on Saturday to have the new shades installed and catch up on a couple of things.  What was supposed to be a couple of hours went several hours.  For dinner we met a friend at The Colombian House in New Rochelle.  On Sunday we met  another friend for brunch at Chat 19 in Larchmont,  then we went shopping at Marshalls, my sister loves that store.  

    I have been going out more to local restaurants.  I am trying to help them out and leaving bigger tips.  We already have a lot vacant storefronts in my city I am hoping not have many more added to it.  Many small business will not be able to survive.

    Yesterday G. asked if I wanted to go out a night this week.  I said yes and that I would let him know which night.  I am thinking Thursday since that is my favorite night to go out.

    I really don’t know too much about G, other than he is way to eager to see me.  We only went out a few times 15 years ago.  I would like to be friends and get to know him slowly. But right at this moment if pressed for an answer I would say friendship over relationship. 

    “The power of getting to know one another is so immense, eclipsed only by first getting to know ourselves.”― Bryant McGill, Voice of Reason

     

    another day in online dating paradise

    07 Tuesday Jul 2020

    Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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    “Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.”― Euripides

    The date that was canceled on June 26, was going to happen on July 3rd.  Key word: was.  I wanted to keep an open mind and give the guy a chance but in the end my instincts were right.  He was not worth the energy.

    On the day we were supposed to meet he said he wanted to bring his guitar and serenade me in my apartment after dinner.  He is a part time wedding singer.  When I said that the idea was nice and we could do it in the future he became a whiny 3 year old going on and on on why we couldn’t do it that night and how he was such a good guy.  

    Good guys wait, and don’t force situations or get annoyed when they hear a no.

    He said I was very distrustful. I said it was not a matter of trust since I don’t even know him. It is a matter of safety.  In the end I stopped trying to explain my view and just said:  “You don’t have to understand, you have to respect how I feel.  Since you can’t, let’s forget about it.”

    He called a couple more times trying to convince me to go through with the date and with the guitar playing.  Too late, I was done.  Trying to convince me of something when my mind is already made up just makes me more annoyed.

    In the end I just didn’t answer the phone anymore.

    “Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners” ― Laurence Sterne

    On Saturday I finally went on my first date since I have been back on Match.  While this person didn’t really give me a lot of hope I thought he would be a nice guy and we would have a nice time.

    I did have a nice time because I can make the best of almost anything.  He was kind and came bearing gifts: Hot sauce and dark chocolate.  He owns a food distributor.

    He was shorter, fatter and older than it was on his profile.  Nothing wrong with short, fat and old.  I just have a problem with false advertisement.  He was also more unavailable than I expected.  This one is my fault.  When I looked at his profile again it did say he was separated.  I missed that.  But even if I had seen that, I never expect someone to be living in the basement of the family home for the past 12 years while fighting over the house.  

    “Any fool can know. The point is to understand.” – Albert Einstein

    He has been waiting 12 years for his wife to decide what she wants. Among all that he mentioned, he said he doesn’t own a TV because the wife doesn’t want a TV in the house.   No matter how handsome, tall, young, slim and awesome someone is, there is no way that I can respect  or be with that complacent and spineless. 

    Even though I mostly felt sorry for him, I also got a bit annoyed that he expect women to be okay with that situation.  He said that the women of Match have a lot of expectations regarding relationships. 

    I said that I could only speak for myself and my only expectation was that someone looked like his pictures and was available to be in a relationship.   At which point he went back to telling me that he has been available for over 12 years and that he will force the wife to sell the house… I don’t think that even he was buying that.

    My advice to him, he didn’t ask but I volunteered, was: “get your life untangled first before you add another person to that dynamic.”

     He said that the right woman will understand.  I am not her! After dinner I wished him luck and we parted as friends.

    I also said to him to forget about the house and embrace freedom.  At this point he went back to talking about the grand plans he has for his business.  It seems he will continue fooling himself.

    “There are two questions a man must ask himself: The first is ‘Where am I going?’ and the second is ‘Who will go with me?’

    If you ever get these questions in the wrong order you are in trouble.”
    ― Sam Keen

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    Intermittent fasting: yea or nay?

    03 Friday Jul 2020

    Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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    First a disclaimer: I am not advocating intermittent fasting or any kind of diet or even weight loss. I don’t believe in fad diets, but in listening to your body.  Please consult your doctor and do your own research. Only you know what your body needs.  I am only sharing what I chose to do to cope with the quarantine and not gain any extra weight.

    Love your body and be kind to your body no matter what. It is a temple!  And also a playground!

    “The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less.”― Dan Millman

    ***

    When I was having my floors done I had the brilliant idea of dismantling my elliptical machine and throwing it away. It was bulky and not working that great.  My intention was to get a smaller one after the new flooring was installed.  However, my floor, as I have mentioned before, remains unfinished. 

    Before the quarantine, without the elliptical, I wasn’t exercising much but still was taking walks and a trip to the gym every now and then.  My hip and clavicle issues prevent me from really doing the exercises I like, such as Zumba and heavy weightlifting.

    With Planet Fitness closed, as well as the gym in my building, all I have been doing are some stretches. I know I can and I should be doing more, but have yet to get into an exercise routine.   

    “So be gentle with yourself; show yourself the same kindness and patience you might show a young child – the child you once were. If you won’t be your own friend, who will be? If, when playing an opponent, you are also opposing yourself, you will be outnumbered.” ― Dan Millman

    When we were forced to stay at home I knew that it could be disastrous to my sister and I.  We both love carbs and sugar.  Adjustments were in order.  Taking my sister’s advice (she has been doing it for awhile) I embarked on the intermittent fasting. The way we do it, we try to stop eating as early as we can the night before, normally around 7pm and then only eat again the next day after 11am.  We fast for 16 hours or more.

    I always believed that I had to eat something very early as soon as I woke up to get my metabolism going, so my body wouldn’t think I was starving myself and shut down. I had to reevaluate my thinking.  There is a whole debate and science behind eating and not eating breakfast.  I am not getting into that here. 

    To me what is important are the foods I choose when I am eating.  With less hours to eat I eventually ate less, which led to losing 15 pounds. My goal was not to gain, so I am over the moon.  

    “The secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”― Dan Millman

    In the beginning it was a struggle. I was so addicted to my daily morning meal of bread and butter.  I am one of those people that wake up starving.  I am not sure it is really hunger or just the routine of eating in the morning.  By now I am mostly used to it, but still there are some very hard days.  

    Unfortunately now my fasting has been called into question.  Should I be rethinking the fasting because of the dizziness? I am feeling much better but every day I have my moments of feeling out of focus and wobbly.  It is normally when I lift head, and every night when I lay down.  I am really almost 100% better but still feeling out of focus has me worried.

    The other day my boss, Jeff, said to me:  “Dr. Jeff is ordering you to go back to your breakfast of bread and butter. You are starving yourself, that is why you are dizzy.” 

    My friend that is a Naturopathic doctor said: “Intermittent fasting is great but it is not for everyone.  It may not be for you.”  He wants me to do different allergies tests.

    “It’s better to make a mistake with the full force of your being than to timidly avoid mistakes with a trembling spirit. Responsibility means recognizing both pleasure and price, action and consequence, then making a choice.”― Dan Millman

    I have been doing the fasting since late March and it was only in June that the vertigo symptoms started.  Plus I have had vertigo a couple of times before in 2019.  I want to believe that it is not the cause and just a coincidence.

    I am a fan of the fasting because I don’t have to deprive myself of anything I like.  I still have my bread and butter but now normally on weekends, and sometimes I will have for lunch or dinner if I really want it.

    Intermittent fasting makes me feel more in control (there goes that word that I have a love-hate relationship with).  It taught me that it is okay to feel hungry.  Actually I am learning what is to feel hungry.  Since I have fewer hours to eat I am making better choices.

    I will be having a physical this month, so I will discuss it with my doctor.  But for now I am sticking to it.  It was the jump start I needed to get my mind and body reconnected.

    Have any of you tried intermittent fasting?  What is your experience?

    If you have any recommendation of a good, yet, small elliptical machine please let me know. 

    “Sometimes sorrow, sometimes joy. But beneath it all remember the innate perfection of your life unfolding. That is the secret of unreasonable happiness.”― Dan Millman

     

     

    It is now or never again

    25 Thursday Jun 2020

    Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

    ≈ 25 Comments

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    “When one has once fully entered the realm of love, the world — no matter how imperfect — becomes rich and beautiful, it consists solely of opportunities for love.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

    I decided to get back on the horse. And by horse I mean online dating.  I just signed up for it again.  I felt that I was getting too complacent, too comfortable in my oneness.  It feels that if I don’t just do it right now I will never get back to it.

    Even though I always enjoyed speaking to new people and going on dates, lately every time I thought of joining I would think of it as a chore and would go off do something else.  So today I made a point of signing up before I gave up on it forever.  I am once again a member of Match.com.

    I have never given up on the idea of love.  I just have been passive about it.  Instead of actively looking for it, I was just sitting back and letting it find me. It didn’t!

    “It is impossible to exist without passion”― Søren Kierkegaard

    That approach, or should I say non-approach, wasn’t really working.  I am not a person that sits and waits.  I go out there and get the job done…or die trying.  I rather take the initiative, be aggressive and know that I am doing my part and having a hand in my destiny.

    The Bible says: God helps those that help themselves.

    Paulo Coelho says: When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.

    Rumi says: what you seek is also seeking you.

    So I want God, Paulo Coelho, Rumi and the entire Universe to know that I am actively doing my part.  I want the Universe to know that I am still here and still wanting and still trying to find love.

    Winning or losing I want to feel that at least I am part of the game. I don’t want to be just a spectator.

    “Many of us pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that we hurry past it.”― Søren Kierkegaard

    I don’t need a man but I want one.  I miss the intimacy.  I miss the flirting.  I miss the idea of having common goals and working together to achieve them.  I want to believe that it will happen, actually I firmly believe that it will happen.  It is only a matter of time.  I can’t hurry love, as the song below says.

    I also have never given up on the idea of the fairy-tale. But my version of fairy tale doesn’t involve princes in shining armors and white horses, just has men that pays their bills on time and showers daily.  Is that too much to ask?

    I feared that if I waited any longer I would just give up the idea of online dating all-together.  I had fun before and I still believe in it.  Or perhaps I just want an excuse to get out of the house.

    Stay tuned for all the dating adventures to come.  Fingers crossed.

    “It’s quite an undertaking to start loving somebody. You have to have energy, generosity, blindness. There is even a moment right at the start where you have to jump across an abyss: if you think about it you don’t do it.”― Jean-Paul Sartre, Nausea

    The dizziness is speaking, I better listen

    20 Saturday Jun 2020

    Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

    ≈ 22 Comments

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    I was almost 100% better when all of a sudden some of the dizziness came back.  Now I know for sure that it is somehow related to stress.  Wednesday was a day beyond stressful, and the dizziness came back immediately.  Now I experience it sporadically throughout the day. 

    I didn’t return to the doctor today as it was scheduled.  I didn’t see the point of going back to an ENT when he didn’t find anything wrong the first time.  If anything I rather go to a neurologist.  But for now my plan of action is to work on how to better deal with stress. 

    I will write more about it on the next post as I am short on time and I want to make sure I am get enough sleep.  For now I will leave you with a beautiful prayer. 

    My Lord, help me to tell the truth in front of strong people
    and not to lie to obtain the applause of the weak ones.
    If you give me fortune, do not take away my reasoning.
    If you give me success, do not take away my humility.
    If you give me humility, do not take away my dignity.
    Always help me to see the other side of the coin.
    Don’t let me blame others of betrayal just because they don’t think just as I do.
    God, teach me to love people as I love myself and to judge me as I judge others.
    Please, don’t let me be proud if I succeed, or fall in despair if I fail.
    Rather remind me that failure is the experience that precedes triumph.
    Teach me that forgiveness is a sign of strength and revenge is a sign of weakness.
    If you take success from me, give me encouragement to learn from failure.
    If I ever offend people, give me courage to apologize to them.
    If people offend me, give me the ability to forgive them.
    Lord, if I ever forget you please forgive me and never forget me.

    ― Mahatma Gandhi