Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

Say What?

30 Monday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Our hearts are not stones. A stone may disintegrate in time and lose its outward form. But hearts never disintegrate. They have no outward form, and whether good or evil, we can always communicate them to one another.” ― Haruki Murakami

and then there were none…

Date update: The Renter is history. After saying he would never go silent again, he did.  I let it go. I know that if I said hello he would start chatting again, but what is the point?  He is clearly not interested and by now neither am I.

The Swiss is also making it clear that he is not interested.  He will respond if I reach out but he is never the one to make contact anymore.  I lost interest in even trying to cultivate a friendship. 

“A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.” ― Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

That brings me to The Enigma. After showering me with poems, songs, and tons of promises of an amazing fairytale, I noticed some distance in the communication.  I reached out a couple of times, but then decided to let it go and see what would happen. 

 After 2 days of silence I got the below text. After some reflection I replied 1 hour later.

“I am larger, better than I thought; I did not know I held so much goodness.
All seems beautiful to me.
Whoever denies me, it shall not trouble me;
Whoever accepts me, he or she shall be blessed, and shall bless me.”
― Walt Whitman

What am I supposed to respond? Of course I wanted details.  I also wanted to help him.  But at this point it seems the Universe if giving me an out so I better take it and don’t question it.

I guess by now, after years of online dating, nothing should surprise me anymore, but people always do.  His text was baffling.  I knew he was dealing with a painful leg injury.  He was shot in an attempted robbery last year.  But apparently there is much more than that. What happened to all the promises of a beautiful relationship?

Some of what he had told me was hard for me to belief because it was so foreign to my simple 9 to 5 work life.  It seemed the stuff that war and spy movies are made of. At one point I mentioned to him that his stories seemed fake, and if they were true that I didn’t know if I could handle it.  Every time we spoke I bombarded him with questions.  I wanted to understand what was in store if we embarked in a future together.  Perhaps he got tired of the interrogation even though he said he was an open book and seemed to welcome all my questions.

“You know there’s no such thing as a complete lie. There’s always some truth in there.” ― David Levithan

He said that he had been in some war conflicts, even getting shot and saving someone’s life by carrying them to safety.  He mentioned being part of a Ranger Regiment.  He said that he was currently involved in strategy with a mercenary company in Russia.  He is partners in dozens of businesses in the US and a couple overseas.  There was a lot he mentioned but I rather keep things somewhat vague here, so I am leaving off the actual names of the companies and certain specific details.  

He had also been a teacher, ran free medical clinics, volunteered at pet shelters, paid for college for a few students, paid for prison commissary for others, among other various things.  He seemed to have lived so many lives.  It was hard not be in awe.

He never seemed annoyed and always seemed willing to try to explain his world to me.  He wanted to assure me that I had no reason to fear him.  He sent me links to news writings and YouTube videos about the military companies in Russia he was currently involved in and the Ranger Regiments he had been in.  

Some of the information he sent me did demystify some aspects of it while others made me even more concerned. 

“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” ― Fyodor Dostoevsky

He said he was planning to go back to school next year and complete another degree. He said he wanted to leave the past behind and that made me happy.

I still think that he was a nice person with a good heart.  I never met anyone so caring and that acted so gentlemanly towards me.  I will miss the smart conversations and the infinite possibilities that being with him held.  I never met anyone so knowledgeable about everything, specially history, art and literature.

I spent some time trying to understand the meaning of his text but some things I will never understand,  He could have called me.  I would not have talked him out of anything.  We talked about being friends no matter what.  It is disappointing that it ends with a text.  I guess he will forever be The Enigma. I will never know if the things that he has told me were true or perhaps just an exaggeration. 

I owe him and the Universe a huge thanks for making the situation clear cut for me.  I no longer have to decide if I can or cannot handle his past and whatever issues he has. I chose kindness with my reply and I believe in my heart that he chose kindness with his text.

I will miss feeling like a muse and princess.  And the search for my prince continues…

“I am constantly trying to communicate something incommunicable, to explain something inexplicable, to tell about something I only feel in my bones and which can only be experienced in those bones. Basically it is nothing other than this fear we have so often talked about, but fear spread to everything, fear of the greatest as of the smallest, fear, paralyzing fear of pronouncing a word, although this fear may not only be fear but also a longing for something greater than all that is fearful.” ― Franz Kafka

 

 

Another day, another cancelation…

18 Wednesday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.” ― Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

He canceled.

I cannot say I am surprised.  He had canceled twice before we finally met. Cancelation is in his blood.

I had a feeling he would.  I noticed a certain distance in the texting yesterday and he skipped the nightly phone call. 

This morning at 7am I texted him. I was not going to reach out but I decided not to be waiting the whole day wondering if a date would or would not happen.

Here is the exchange:

I am not assuming anything about him at this point.  I am not dismissing him or thinking it is all over.  What I know is that if this is the way it is going to be then it will not work for me. 

I remain open-minded with an open heart.  I met him in person and he seems like a good person. Just perhaps not good for me.  We will see what happens.  Your guess is as good as mine.

“You can cut all the flowers but you cannot keep Spring from coming.”
― Pablo Neruda

By the way, he also mentioned the other day that his trip overseas was canceled due to some of the people that were going with him having Visa issues.

So many questions about so many things. His health issues and injuries. His work overseas.  His time in the war.  I was hoping to continue my interrogation tonight 🙂

“Remember, Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” ― Stephen King

Thanks heaven for good friends.  My friend A. texted me to wish good luck on the date tonight.  I actually met A. on a dating site in 2015.  We went on a couple of dates and then just became best friends. Our friendship keeps blossoming, and I am grateful for that.

I am not feeling down but so appreciate his attempt to lift my spirits.

Here is his reaction:

“Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives, and even when it does it can be lost so easily.” ― Lemony Snicket, The Beatrice Letters

Finally the date with The Enigma happens

14 Saturday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Truth is the offspring of silence and meditation. I keep the subject constantly before me and wait ’til the first dawnings open slowly, by little and little, into a full and clear light.”― Isaac Newton

I am going to start by apologizing.  First, I didn’t have a chance to finish the post about going on the date with The Enigma, so that draft went to the trash. It was all about expecting without having expectations. Second, this post, about finally going on the date, will be a rush job.

The date was on Friday at The Rambling House in the Bronx.  We met outside on the street.  He was parked in a no parking zone waiting for me so he could direct me where to park. He exited his car with a big bouquet of flowers for me (pic below).  I gave him a hug.

I was so surprised.  I didn’t expect flowers at all. In hindsight I should have since he is very romantic and such a gentleman.  I was also surprised that he knew that I was not a roses kind of girl. My favorite flowers are sunflowers and daisies, and any yellow flowers. It had 3 beautiful sunflowers in the bouquet.  He said roses are too predictable.

He also brought me a book.  “Living from The Soul – The 7 Spiritual Principles of Ralph Waldo Emerson” by Sam Torode.   He said he bought one for him also.  I joked that we will have a mini book club now. Pic below.

From there I followed him in his car.  He pointed to a space and said I should park there and walk to the restaurant because it would probably take him a little bit to find another space. He still got to the restaurant before I did.

He was wearing glassed and smelled nice. He was casually dressed in khakis and a flannel shirt.  I was surprised how happy and smiley he was.  His pictures had him always so serious and mysterious.

“A gentleman is someone who does not what he wants to do, but what he should do.” ― Haruki Murakami

He was not fat, but heavier than his pictures.  I had already expected that since he had told me that he hasn’t been able to exercise since his leg injury. And as a side note he had a hospital bracelet on.  Not from last week’s trip to the hospital. From just that morning.  He fell in the middle of the night as he attempted to navigate a spiral staircase in the dark in flip flops.  An ambulance had to be called.  He said that he would go to this date even if he had to crawl.

We had a great time.  The conversation flowed.  He had a cider and I had a cosmo.  A girl passed around offering free beer but we both declined.  He is Irish but not much of a beer drinker. He had the turkey and I had the salmon.  We shared a cheesecake for dessert.

I am not sure how much he tipped but the 2 waitresses came back 3 times each to the table to say thank you.  I asked him and he just said he is a good tipper.  Another point for him. I dislike bad tippers.

He held my hand and told me how beautiful I was and how great I smelled.  He made me feel beautiful, special and safe.

“The gentleman is dignified but not arrogant. The small man is arrogant but not digified” ― Confucius

The date lasted about 3 hours. I could tell his leg was hurting him, so I suggested we go.  We said goodbye at my car door with a quick hug and a peck on the cheek near the lips.  Everything was very easy and comfortable with him.

We are going on a second date on Wednesday. It is my turn to choose where to go, so we will probably stick to my neighborhood so I don’t have to drive.

On Thursday he is going to travel to a couple of different countries for business.  He said he will be in touch every day but we shall see how that will go.

I have many questions about one of his businesses and his overseas traveling. I don’t want to imply that it is something shady but it is just so foreign and mysterious to me.  He already mentioned a lot to me and says I can ask whatever questions I want, but at this point I am not even sure what questions to ask.

At one point I told him that his stories seem fake, about the war, etc.  He laughed and didn’t get offended.  He knows I will say what comes to mind and as I see it.

For now I am taking it all in slowly.  I am enjoying his attention.  The future seems so full of promise.  But we all know that I have been here before, so I am proceeding with caution.

“If people just took it a day at a time, they’d be a lot happier.” ― Richard Bachman

Not Elementary my dear friends

08 Sunday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Never trust to general impressions, my boy, but concentrate yourself upon details.” ― Arthur Conan Doyle

I thought that today I would be telling you all about my date yesterday.  Unfortunately the date never happened!

As I was about to start getting ready for the date I got a phone call from my date.  He said he was calling from the emergency room.  He gave me the hospital name and   emergency room number.  He said he didn’t suppose I wanted our first date to be in the hospital. I said that it was a possibility.

“Evil indeed is the man who has not one woman to mourn him.”― Arthur Conan Doyle

I wouldn’t be opposed to go there to see him, but I know that most hospitals now aren’t accepting visitors because of COVID.  He kept me informed throughout the the evening and night as to what was going on. 

He went to the hospital because of a pain on his leg.  He had just finished physical therapy on it a week ago. I will not mention the nature of his injury at this point.  It is a kind of a wild story, that I rather know the details for sure before I mention anything.

“Life is infinitely stranger than anything which the mind of man could invent.”
― Arthur Conan Doyle

At the same moment my friend A. texted me to wish me luck on the date.  When I mentioned that he had canceled, my friend asked me if I was disappointed.  The weird thing is that I am and I am not. Lately, when it comes to dating I have been totally okay no matter what happens. 

Or perhaps deep down inside I already thought it wouldn’t happen so I was ready for it.

All is exactly as it is supposed to be. Of course I am curious, but I am not letting curiosity get the best of me. Time will tell.  Everything will be revealed in time.

“What one man can invent, another can discover.”― Sir Arthur Conan Doyle 

By 1 am his friend picked him up from the hospital.  Supposedly he was treated for blood clots and sent home.

He has a lot baggage, a lot history, and a lot medical issues from the baggage and history that he brings with him.  Can I handle all of that is one huge question that I have even before we meet? “Can” is not really the right question.  I can handle anything,  the most important question is do I want to?

“As a rule, the more bizarre a thing is the less mysterious it proves to be. It is your commonplace, featureless crimes which are really puzzling, just as a commonplace face is the most difficult to identify.”― Arthur Conan Doyle

In the meantime he is absolutely the most romantic, more interesting guy I have met in a long time or perhaps ever.  His life experience is so different than my own it is both enticing and scary.

This morning he sent me the following:

I Need Love – LL Cool J  (cover by Luke Bloom)

When I’m alone in my room sometimes I stare at the wall
And in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call
Telling me I need a girl who’s as sweet as a dove
For the first time in my life, I see I need love
There I was giggling about the games
That I had played with many hearts and I’m not saying no names
Then the thought occurred, tear drops made my eyes burn
‘Coz I said to myself look what you’ve done to her
I can feel it inside, I can’t explain how it feels
All I know is that I’ll never dish another raw deal

Playing make believe pretending that I’m true
Holding in my laugh as I say that I love you
Saying amor, kissing you on the ear
Whispering I love you and I’ll always be here
Although I often reminisce I can’t believe that I found
A desire for true love floating around
Inside my soul because my soul is cold
And half of me deserves to be this way till I’m old
But the other half needs affection and joy
And the warmth that is created by a girl and a boy

I need love
I need love

I wanna kiss you, hold you never scold you just love you
Suck on you neck, caress you and rub you
Grind moan and never be alone
If you’re not standing next to me you’re on the phone
Can’t you hear it in my voice, I need love bad
I’ve got money but love’s something I’ve never had
I need your ruby red lips sweet face and all
I love you more than a man who’s ten feet tall

I’d watch the sunrise in your eyes
We’re so in love when we hug we become paralyzed
Our bodies explode in ecstasy unreal
You’re as soft as a pillow and I’m as hard as steel
It’s like a dream land, I can’t lie I never been there
Maybe this is an experience that me and you can share
Clean and unsoiled yet sweaty and wet
I swear to you this is something I’ll never forget

I need love
I need love

See what I mean I’ve changed I’m no longer
A play boy on the run I need something that’s stronger
Friendship, trust honor respect admiration
This whole experience has been such a revelation
It’s taught me love and how to be a real man
To always be considerate and do all I can
Protect you you’re my lady and you mean so much
My body tingles all over from the slightest touch of your hand

And understand I’ll be frozen in time
Till we meet face to face and you tell me you’re mine
If I find you girl I swear I’ll be a good man
I’m not gonna leave it in destiny’s hands
I can’t sit and wait for my princess to arrive
I gotta struggle and fight to keep my dream alive
I’ll search the whole world for that special girl
When I finally find you watch our love unfurl

I need love
I need love

Girl, listen to me
When I be sittin’ in my room all alone, staring at the wall
Fantasies, they go through my mind
And I’ve come to realize that I need true love
And if you wanna give it to me girl make yourself seen
I’ll be waiting, I love you

“A man always finds it hard to realize that he may have finally lost a woman’s love, however badly he may have treated her.”― Arthur Conan Doyle

He is not the guy

05 Thursday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, Finding Me

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“Destiny doesn’t do home visits… you have to go for it yourself.”
― Carlos Ruiz Zafón

So which kind of guy will he be?

But before we get to him, let me bring you up-to-date.  There is A-The Renter, who is currently in Cabo San Lucas without me ☹.  We still exchange messages but at this point I feel I am cultivating a friendship.

Then there is The Swiss, we still message every now and then, but I am still not sure about him even as a friend.  I still feel that he is all about himself.

Enter the new guy.  I am calling him The Enigma.  I was not sure what to call him.  He strikes me as the Bad Boy Prince Charming, but that was a bit too long.  I am not sure what to make of him and even if I can handle him and his history, which there seems to be a lot there. 

He is 48 years old, but seems to have lived many lifetimes.  He is completely different from guys I dated before.  The way he writes me is so eloquent, intelligent and open.  He is patient and gentle (yes I get that from his writing 🙂 and still he seems like the guy that is comfortable engaging in a bar fight.

“If you always do what is easy and choose the path of least resistance, you never step outside your comfort zone. Great things don’t come from comfort zones.”― Roy Bennett

He is well read, ex-military, volunteer in animal shelters. Has a bunch of tattoos and will probably get more.  We couldn’t be more different and yet we are so similar in our world views and what we want for ourselves.  I don’t want to say too much about him, as I always want to err on the side of not giving too much info about someone. 

We exchanged messages on Match for a couple of weeks before I was willing to give him my number.  We have spoken a few times.  We had a miscommunication where I thought he was ghosting me already.  I had jumped to conclusions. He explained himself and proceeded to give me all his info: full name, address, phone, email.  He even gave me his mother’s info as a last resort if I ever need to find him. 🙂 

“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.”― Isaac Asimov

I realized that I sometimes blame new guys for the sins of old ones.  I need to be watchful of that and give new guys a fair chance.  It is a balancing act, to use my experiences as a guide but not let them make me pre-judge someone.

He is off Match for now because he says he wants to focus on 1 person at a time.   We are probably going out Saturday.  I need to confirm it.

From ghost to Prince in just a few hours. He scares me and excites me.  The possibilities seem endless and exciting. I am choosing to embark on this new adventure whole heartedly. 

“To be sensual, I think, is to respect and rejoice in the force of life, of life itself, and to be present in all that one does, from the effort of loving to the breaking of bread.”― James Baldwin

Today, along with his info he also sent me the video below:

I’m not the guy

You can categorize me
Lump me with the others
If that’s the way you wanna play
You can say that the way it’s been
Is exactly, the way that it’s gotta be
It’ll make you feel right
If you gotta feel right
And if you’re willing to look truthfully
I think you’ll see
That babe I’m not the guy who hurt you
Many years ago

I’m not the guy
I’m not the guy
I’m not the guy

Babe what are you seeing?
When you look in my eyes
Maybe someone from a magazine
Is itt someone who hurt you?
You don’t gotta explain it
I used to read that magazine myself
But last night in the kitchen, yeah
I cancelled my subscription, yeah
And maybe you’ll believe me baby
When I say that you don’t need to carry yours
Around anymore

‘Cause I’m not the guy
I’m not the guy
I’m not the guy

I’m not the guy who made you crawl into the shell
I’m not the guy who threw your heart against the wall
I’m not the guy who made you feel like all you did was lost
I’m not the guy who loved you babe, and kept his fingers crossed

I’m not the guy
I’m not the guy
I’m not the guy

I’m not the guy who tried to hide his wedding ring
I’m not the guy who disappeared after the spring
I’m not the guy who took care of you for a weekend stay
I’m not the guy who loved you babe, and took his love away

I’m not the guy (6x)

(lyrics: Dan Bern)

Memory Lane is Full of Pot Holes

02 Monday Nov 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Sometimes an earthquake or a volcano shake the world, sometimes a virus, sometimes a huge typhoon, sometimes a tsunami! All of them have a common message: Awake to the Truth! And what is the truth? The truth is that Earth and the universe are not a region of order, but a region of chaos and survival!” ― Mehmet Murat ildan

Have you voted yet? Please vote! I am not going to attempt to tell you who to vote for. This is not that post. Right now I don’t have the energy or mental fortitude for that kind of post.

I will be voting tomorrow. I wanted to do the earlier voting but got turned off by the long lines. I figure that by tomorrow there should be no lines since there will be more voting stations and a lot people already voted. Fingers crossed, but line or no line I am voting!

Whatever way it goes I pray for peace, for order, for kindness in people’s hearts. Let’s all remember that we are all brothers and sisters and Earth is our Mother! Let’s protect each other and our mother!

“Deep in the human unconscious is a pervasive need for a logical universe that makes sense. But the real universe is always one step beyond logic.” ― Frank Herbert

Besides going to the mosaic studio, getting a massage and going out to a Japanese restaurant with a friend, I spent most of my weekend going through old photo albums. I bought two set of pictures frames that each hold 6 pictures and set out to find the pictures of my family I loved most.

Organizing anything, gives me a feeling and sense of order. With this looming election and its potential troubled aftermath, I was needing to feel that.

“The sacred formula of positivism: love as a principle, the order as a foundation, and progress as a goal.” ― Auguste Comte

It was a trip to the past. There were 2 men that figured the most in those pictures and consequently in my life.

One is my first boyfriend. I was with him for 20 years. He is more like an annoying relative now. How did I manage to stay with a person that is so completely different from me for 20 years is beyond logic? I cannot seem to have a 5-minute conversation with him nowadays without wanting to scream.

The other man is the one that caused me to start this blog and often referred herein as Ex. We were together for only 3 years, but his impact and the pain he caused me was beyond any pain I ever felt in my life.

I thought I had gotten rid of all traces of him but there remained some beautiful photobooks that I guess I didn’t want to part with before, or perhaps I had forgotten about. I don’t want to part with the visits to temples in Thailand, skiing the snowy mountains of Mont Tremblant, and paragliding in Brazil, among other pictures that brought me so much joy.

What do I do? Do I really want to remember those? Do I need the visual to remember the place and those moments in time?

Some of the albums were easy to remove the pictures, but the photobooks is another story. I have to throw out the entire book.

In my dating profile I may add: Looking for someone willing to do over some of my history.

“Thus there is in the life of a collector a dialectical tensions between the poles of disorder and order.”― Walter Benjamin

By last night I had amassed over 100 pictures to give to the first boyfriend. I figure he will be happy to have some of them back. Plus, he is alone in most of them. In the others he is with my family, which he is still close to.

Now, with Ex, is another story. He and I are not on speaking terms, so trash it is. It is fitting because that is what he did to our, once beautiful, relationship. Gosh, that sounded bitter. I am not bitter. I am not sad. I am indifferent and wishing him well…but far from me, my mind and my peace.

Do you keep old mementos of past relationships? I believe in keeping nothing. Old chapter, turn the page, move on! I don’t want to leave anything to remind me of a person that has no more room in my life.

I am always in awe when I see people that have letters, cards, pictures from many years ago, not only of lovers, but from anyone. I am not one of those people. I keep hardly anything. I feel heavy, even beautiful cards from friends I end up parting with.

In the end a lot of the pictures and most of the photobooks are gone.

Not only I achieved some physical order, I gained some psychological order. It feels cleansing to let go yet again. Ex had been in my mind lately. This is the first year I remembered his birthday in a long time. So it was fitting that I got to clear him out again. Now he is gone, gone, gone!

“I discovered that my obsession for having each thing in the right place, each subject at the right time, each word in the right style, was not the well-deserved reward of an ordered mind, but just the opposite: a complete system of pretense invented by me to hide the disorder of my nature.” ― Gabriel García Márquez

And on a last note, OMG, on some pictures my body is just amazing. Well, there were some that were not that great, but I am ignoring those. I had a great body and I thought I was fat, lets not repeat that mistake.  Let’s love our bodies right here and right now, and always aim to get healthier and healthier. 

I took some pictures out to put all over the apartment as inspiration to go back to that body. I can do it. I am not that far from it.  I refuse to think that I cannot have a 34-year-old body at 54.

Anything and anyone can try to limit me, but I will never limit myself. My mind doesn’t believe in limits, and cannots and impossible. I can achieve whatever I desire if I work hard enough for those.

“The only limits in our life are those we impose on ourselves.” – Bob Proctor”

The Sizzle has Fizzled

30 Friday Oct 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.”― thich nhat hanh

My communication with The Swiss has been dwindling down. I can see the end near and honestly, I don’t care to stop it from happening. I am actually welcoming it.

In the beginning, even though he arrived in a shining package full of ribbons and bows, I think that deep down inside I had my doubts about him.  Still the first few days were amazing. 

On the first day we went on that marathon texting, that culminated in some very spicy texting.  I would say it was close to sexting sans pictures.  I am not crazy to be sending pictures to anyone no matter how hot things get.

I don’t regret the spicy conversations.  It was welcomed, and dare I say, needed and appreciated.  I would do it again. 

He seemed to be too good to be true, and perhaps he is, or he is not, I don’t know.  Something about him gives me pause.  Still I was excited and curious to meet to see if in person the excitement of the first day would be there. 

“Emotions come and go and can’t be controlled so there’s no reason to worry about them. That in the end, people should be judged by their actions since in the end it was actions that defined everyone.”― Nicholas Sparks

We scheduled to meet in NY City, and a couple of days before the date he asked me how I was going to get there.  When I mentioned that I was going to take public transportation instead of driving he expressed concern about my possible exposure to COVID.

He said he felt uncomfortable about that.  He is concerned that if he gets COVID his son may get it and he will not be able to play sports.  Not to get him more nervous but for full disclosure I said that my sister takes the train into the city daily and she lives with me.  

I said we should cancel since there is no reason to do it if he is that concerned.  He agreed.  I was okay with it.  Almost indifferent about it. I respect people’s concern about this virus, so I would never hold that against him. 

The truth is, he is one of those people that I was very curious to meet on the first day but the curiosity kept dissipating with each day that has gone by.  I am no longer curious.  It is strange for me to say that, considering how many things we have in common and how much he has going for him.

“If you don’t feel it, flee from it. Go where you are celebrated, not merely tolerated.” ― Paul F. Davis

The worldly, smart, funny, spiritual, sexy person that was there on day 1 seemed to have disappeared. 

Since the cancelation of the date I think we both became uninterested.   I noticed that lately I am doing most of the reaching out and keeping in touch.  I stopped, and I will now make sure that I don’t persist on something that is not there and let it go peacefully as it came.

When I questioned myself why I am feeling so indifferent to someone that seemed so amazing and that I was so excited about I realize what I am missing the most in him: care.

This guy can certainly take care of me financially, but that is not what I am talking about.  He doesn’t seem to care.  He doesn’t show an interest in my life. Even when he is the one reaching out, it feels empty and shallow.

“Ask yourself, does this person make me feel good about myself? Do I feel safe, strong and free with this person? Those are the questions you need to ask….You have to be strong to truly be open.”― April Sinclair

He doesn’t inspire in me safety and security. He doesn’t make me feel special and wanted. I feel I wouldn’t be able to trust him with my heart. 

Some of the words that I would attribute to him are vapid and flippant.   He seems to love himself.  Nothing wrong with that.  I love myself.  But loving himself seems to be the only thing for him.  I think it would be a relationship comprised of 3: Him, his ego and I.

We are still communicating, but at this point I am not even sure we are good as friends.  I feel I have already learned all that he came to teach me.  He showed me that there are plenty of successful accomplished guys out there, so I don’t have to settle for any One.  He inspired me to read and listen to the works of Ram Dass again.  I had forgot about Ram Dass’s teaching, and his guided meditations have been amazing for me.  I feel his job is done.

“One can be the master of what one does, but never of what one feels.”― Gustave Flaubert

For the record, I still don’t have a good read on him, if he is a good person, or perhaps not so good.  I implied that he is arrogant and egocentric, but all that are my feelings about him.  He hasn’t done or said anything that was bad, mean, or anything like.  I am operating under some gut feelings I am having. 

I am reading between the lines.

I think I just expected a little more from someone that has gone through so many amazing experiences.  I expected the magic and the communication from the first day to be there on the other days also.  I expected him to “Be Here Now”, but I think he got lost.

Not everyone, even if they are good people, comes into my life to stay.  I need to be okay with that.  I need to be okay with letting people go, if the energy is not right. Not everyone has to be my friend.  I don’t need to have a good reason to let people go.  “Just because” is good enough.

“Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer.”― Oscar Wilde

 

Choosing to accept. Don’t ask, don’t tell!

26 Monday Oct 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Sometimes people let the same problem make them miserable for years when they could just say, So what. That’s one of my favorite things to say. So what.” ― Andy Warhol

I know some of will not understand why but I am still talking to A.-The Renter.  After a couple of days of silence, on Thursday he texted me and asked me if he could call me.  I said ok.

After some chitchat he apologized for the lack of communication.  He didn’t really give me a good excuse for that.  I didn’t really ask for one. I don’t think he has one.  He mentioned being busy with work and getting his house in California ready to be rented out.

At this point I already have it resolved in my heart and mind that he is not for me as a romantic partner. I don’t need to know what happened, the whys of the silence.  Knowing will not change anything.

“Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of ‘not knowing.”― Mark Z. Danielewski

I am of the opinion that if a man wants a woman he will go after her.  There will be no game, there will be no “I am too busy”, etc.  So, him not contacting me for days and ignoring my text just answered that question in my heart.  No need to draw me a picture.

He mentioned the vacation to Cabo, and has been mentioning it daily ever since.  He said I should go to Cali first, stay at a hotel, meet him and if I felt safe and liked him then we would go to Cabo together from there.  He tried to sweeten the pot by adding that he would pay for all the flights and every expense. I would not have to spend a dime.  

I am not tempted at all. It is so easy for me when I make a decision. 

“A very little key will open a very heavy door.”― Charles Dickens

I said it is a bit too late now and he has only himself to blame. He agreed with me and has apologized constantly.

If I don’t want him as a boyfriend anymore, why then am I still communicating with him?

2 words:  Acceptance and belief!

I never give up on people that I genuinely like.  I know it can be a flaw.  I still think he is a nice person and a potential good friend.  I believe in the goodness of people and from the past few months of talking to him I think he is a good person.

I keep doors open. I give second and third chances.  I believe that people are good deep down inside. I am not going off to anywhere to meet him.  If he ever comes to NY I will meet him, but at this point I want only friendship.

If he writes, I will respond.  If I feel like saying something I will write.  If he responds, fine. If he doesn’t that is fine too! That is how I am with my male friends, and that works! That simple! 

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.” ― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

In 2015, I had a few dates with someone that disappeared out of the blue. Then he got in touch again and asked me to dinner.  I went, probably thinking romance, but since then we have developed this great platonic friendship.  He has become one of my closest friends. I am so glad I decided to ignore his disappearance.  To this day I don’t know what happened, and I don’t care. 

What I know for sure is, if someone is interested in me romantically he will not disappear or play games.  If he does, and comes back, more often than not I am willing to listen and be friends.

Below is the text he sent after we spoke on the phone.

“A weed is but an unloved flower.”― Ella Wheeler Wilcox

And since then he is in touch every day, many times a day, sharing more of his life.  I didn’t even know he had a dog.  He does have the cutest dog, and still cries about another one that passed not too long ago.

I am willing to be a friend, and will always err on the side of kindness and redemption.  If people take advantage of that, it is on them, not on me. I try, I I accept, I love, I move on, I am happy.

“The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” ― Maya Angelou

To eat or not to eat

23 Friday Oct 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me, Food

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“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.” – Hippocrates

My attempt at detox is going very well. It is far from what a real detox would be but still I so impressed with myself.  I am also continuing with the intermittent fasting.

For the most part, during the week, I cut out the 2 worst offenders for me: sugar and carb. On the weekends I have a little piece of bread for breakfast.

On Sunday it will be 2 weeks, my aim is to do a total of 3 weeks.  I want to find a middle ground and keep it for the rest of my life. 

I had had not sugar until last night 😦

“Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend.” ― Lao Tzu

Last night my sister and I met a friend for dinner. We were the only table in this beautiful Greek restaurant, called Telly’s Tavern.  There is one in Manhattan for years and just last year they opened in Port Chester.  We went to the Port Chester location.

We were the only customers there on a Thursday at 8:30pm.  I know there is a virus going around, and with the numbers rising again, I don’t expect to see a lot people, but still I expected some people sitting on the tables outside. There were none. l I felt bad for the owner. 

I had soup at home and had appetizers at the restaurant.  I had a few slices of fried potatoes and 1 zucchini croquette, they were tick and the size of a hamburger. And all so delicious.  My sister and my friend had 2 drinks each. I had a glass of water and that was perfectly fine. I was not tempted at all.

The one thing that was very hard to pass by was the bread basket. Beautifully smelling hot rustic bread. Immediately I declared that I was going to take the bread home. We took it, and then accidently gave to my friend with other leftovers 😦  I guess it is was not meant to be)

.“If we are creating ourselves all the time, then it is never too late to begin creating the bodies we want instead of the ones we mistakenly assume we are stuck with.”― Deepak Chopra

And then I had dessert. I didn’t want to. I am not even joking, I didn’t want to, but still I had it. Why?

To be kind to the waitress.

Christina, our waitress is from Paraguay and just the nicest girl and waitress you could ever had.  She wanted to be gracious so as a treat she brought us freshly fried Lokoumades, which is the Greek version of donuts.  Deep fried dough balls sprinkled with cinnamon and drizzled with honey.  

Donuts and such are not enticing to me at all, so I didn’t want to have any. I knew my sister wasn’t going to have any and I wasn’t sure if my friend would or would not, so I wanted to do my part.

They were good! I don’t regret it. I was happy to attempt to show appreciation for the waitress’s kind gesture.  To me, not eating was not an option.

“We are healthy only to the extent that our ideas are humane.” ― Kurt Vonnegut

It got me thinking, how many times have we done something we don’t want to do to please someone? Probably more times than we realize. 

This is not the first time and will not be the last, but I am going to try to watch myself.  I have to watch myself on the reasons behind my actions and inactions.

This morning I woke up starving and I am blaming those darn little balls. I haven’t been that hungry in the mornings since I started the intermittent fasting.  I am happy that for the first time in forever I am noticing things about my body, and my feelings towards food and hunger.

And on that note, tomorrow is Saturday and I cannot wait to have a piece of bread with butter.  

oh, and this friend that we met for dinner baked us a huge Brazilian Style carrot cake. Is the world conspiring against me? lol

Part II, yea or nay

22 Thursday Oct 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“The truth is that the universe has been answering you all of your life, but you cannot receive the answers unless you are awake.” Rhonda Birne

Part II

Thank you to everyone that wrote to me with concerns about this trip.  I so appreciate the care and support of everyone!  Blessings All! ♥♥

As I mentioned I asked the Universe for a sign and I believe I got one.  Well, I took something that happened as a sign. I will get to that in a little bit.

The truth is I already knew what to do.  The idea of this trip, even though it was extremely exciting, wasn’t feeling right, not because of COVID, even though that should be a consideration, but because of him.  I was trying to make his lack of communication okay, but in the end it was not.

He eventually called.  I was completely honest with him, well, I am never not completely honest.  My problem is being too honest with some jerks that don’t deserve my honesty.  I mentioned that I had a problem with his lack of communication.  I said that questions had come up when I was excitedly planning for this dream vacation and he never bothered to text me back to at least see what I wanted.  I felt ignored.

I told him that the excitement of this romantic tropical vacation combined with finally meeting him blinded me to how crazy this was.  The resort may be amazing but I can certainly pay for trips and don’t need to act as if this is the last trip in the world. (Between you and I there is no way I am willing to pay $700.00 a day to stay anywhere, but he didn’t need to know that).  He agreed and mentioned that he has another timeshare to another expensive resort in Aruba. Gosh, who cares at this point?

In the end I cannot recall exactly what he added to the conversation that night as I believe that I did all the talking.  I hung up with the idea that the trip is off but that we are still on track to continue communicating and eventually meeting if he ever moves to NY.

Then he went silent.

****

“You will never follow your own inner voice until you clear up the doubts in your mind.” – Roy T. Bennett

The sign:

That morning. right after I asked for a sign I received a message from a guy on Match.  His profile didn’t have much information but he wrote me in perfect Portuguese which drew my attention. Right away he gave me his LinkedIn and phone number. I quickly did my Google research and found out a lot information on him.  This man is impressive.

There is so much I could say about him, but I always want to err on the side of not giving away too much information about anybody here.  He seems too perfect to be true.  He is 47 years old is very accomplished in the financial industry.  He speaks multiple languages, extremely well educated, and the best part, very spiritual. He has been to multiple retreats in different parts of the world, spent time with Indians in Brazil and healers in Hawaii.  He sent me videos and pictures from those experiences.  That is some of the stuff I love.  And he seems to have a sense of humor too.

Things developed very quickly.  I did all that I never do. I gave him my phone number right away. We connected on LinkedIn. On the first day we texted from 2pm to midnight.  By the time midnight was rolling around the conversation had gone from spiritual retreats to more spicy topics.  I take full blame for that.  Give me chemistry and a willing participant and I can be very free with my words.  In my defense, it had been ages, so it felt good.

. “I believe instinct’s the iron skeleton under all our ideas of free will. Unless you’re willing to take the pipe or eat the gun or take a long walk off a short dock, you can’t say no to some things. You can’t refuse to pick up your option because there is no option.”― Stephen King

Let me point out 2 things:

  • It has been fun with this new guy. I will call him The Swiss.  We will probably end up meeting at some point but I don’t think he will be the One in the long run.  We already had some miscommunications over texts because he was under the impression that I didn’t want to meet in person.  I have no idea how he came up with that.  Some of the smartest men make the dumbest assumptions out of nothing. The worst part is not asking questions to understand the situation correctly. That point has been addressed though.

Now we need to figure out when and where to meet.  He lives in NJ, it can take anywhere from over 1 hr to 2 hrs to get to.  And then there is COVID, which seems be getting worst again in some.  We shall see what we come up with.

For some reason I am not too concerned about meeting him at this point.  We have slowed the texting down to only a couple a day, and I prefer that for now.

“I had deceived myself. I will not deceive myself again. I have worn many masks and will wear them no more.”― David Rae,  Crowman

  • I saw his message as a sign, not because I think he is the One. On the contrary, I took this guy showing up as a sign that there are plenty of potential Ones right there.  I think it was the Universe showing me that I don’t need to get stuck on any one, no matter how amazing they seem to be. There are tons of even more amazing guys out there.

If he is not right for me, he is not right for me period.  I need to stop trying to make  some men into the perfect vision I have of them.  I need to stop trying to turn cubic zirconia into a diamond.

The right one for me needs to feel great all around right.   He needs to… oops I just realized that I was going to start to describing the perfect person for me. I don’t want to do that now, but I think it will be fun for a future post.  It will be fun to see how completely opposite the person I end up with really is. 🙂

And, just today some other interesting guy just showed up. I am not going to give him my phone number yet, but I am curious.

“Never stop dreaming,
never stop believing,
never give up,
never stop trying, and
never stop learning.”
― Roy T. Bennett