Category Archives: Daily Message

Progress or Illuision?

03 Wednesday Aug 2022

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“Progress is not an illusion; it happens, but it is slow and invariably disappointing.” ― Orwell

My poor little building is being dwarfed by new bigger and taller neighbors. The picture above is the view from my parking lot. One building is almost done and two are on the way.  

And those are not the only ones.  I thought it was a total of 25 new buildings, but the total number is actually 40.  There are about a dozen completed, another dozen yet to start, and about 18 under construction.

Add to all the construction noise and commotion, all the road, utility and infrastructure projects to upgrade water, electric, gas, etc.  Living and getting around downtown New Rochelle has been a bit of a nightmare.  I look forward to the end of it… in about 5 years.  Yes, I am being an optimist.

“Progress always involves risk; you can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first.” ― F.W. Dupee

I believe progress is good, but 40 residential and multi-use buildings seems way too much.  I wonder if we really have the infrastructure to handle so many buildings and so many more people, cars, etc.  And where will all the people to populate all these buildings be coming from? 

Before Covid and remote working, New Rochelle was aiming to attract the Manhattan commuters.  New Rochelle is only 30 minutes from Manhattan, so it is attractive to workers looking for an easy commute and cheaper rents. 

I guess, even after Covid, New Rochelle is still hoping to attract the Manhattanites and Brooklynites that got priced out of their neighborhoods.  Even though the rents around here are not that much cheaper.

I am looking forward to the new parks, restaurants, coffee shops, more cultural programs, more musical events, and the such.  I am looking forward to a more revitalized New Rochelle, not only the skyline, but the lifestyle.  

“Restlessness is discontent — and discontent is the first necessity of progress. Show me a thoroughly satisfied man — and I will show you a failure.” ― Thomas A. Edison

Speaking of progress, when it comes to dating there is none! More to follow.  There are no dates, but still there are stories. 🙂

Meet Barnaby, the bunny

28 Thursday Jul 2022

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“Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.” ― Anatole France

I am busy, busy, busy.  I am stressed, stressed, stressed.  I am grateful, grateful, grateful!

This is Barnaby. He is the mosaic studio’s mascot.  He has been living there for the past 2 months. 

I love holding him, but I rarely do.  I am afraid to pick him up.  He feels so fragile that I feel I may hurt him or break his little bones. 

He is adorable, and the softest thing I ever touched. He makes me smile.

“The man who chases two rabbits, catches neither.” – Confucius

“My cat brought me a toy. I thanked her and threw it. She sat there gave me a look that made me realize people and dogs are the crazy ones.” ― Dan Harmon

I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. Winston Churchill

“I talk to him when I’m lonesome like; and I’m sure he understands. When he looks at me so attentively, and gently licks my hands; then he rubs his nose on my tailored clothes, but I never say naught thereat. For the good Lord knows I can buy more clothes, but never a friend like that.” ― W. Dayton Wedgefarth

It is okay to be off course

16 Saturday Jul 2022

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“I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God’s business.”
― Michael J. Fox

My Duolingo streak is broken. I made it to day 339. I had a choice of paying to keep my streak going. Call me frugal, but I didn’t pay.

Perhaps I should have. It has been 3 or 4 days and I still haven’t gone back to doing my daily French lessons. It is easy to leave it for later if I no longer have a streak to protect.

All of a sudden I feel like a loser. How could I break my streak? Keeping that streak going made me feel powerful and capable of grand things. Stupid, right?

“Don’t mistake activity with achievement.”
― John Wooden

It will take me another year to get to that number again, once I start it, if I start it. Perhaps keeping a streak going is not for me. Maybe I should make a point of breaking streaks.

Duolingo is not the only thing that I have been neglecting lately. This blog, my exercise routine, healthy meals, books, etc, they are all suffering. 

I have been choosing to start early at work, instead of going to the gym. I often choose Netflix and Sedecordle instead of reading a book. I sometimes eat cheesebread and fries for dinner, and the list goes on and on.

None of that really makes me a loser. Nothing has the power to, if I don’t let it. It is a matter of choice. Lately, I have been making choices that are not wise, but it feels comfortable. Perhaps that is just a nice way to say I have been lazy lately.

“In the pursuit of perfection, I forgot I was already enough.”
― Caroline George, The Summer We Forgot

And so what? Who says that I have to be always productive and perfect? Here is a newsflash to myself: You are not perfect. Perfection is an illusion. Just aim to be the best human being you can.

I am embracing the fact that it is okay for things not to be okay. It is okay to be off my routine. It is okay to let things go for a little bit; it is okay not to pressure myself to always be doing something.

It is okay not to feel in control at times. It is healthy to realize that streaks end, that sometimes we go off course. It is the perfect time to reassess my priorities. It is the perfect time to do things out of love and want, and not out of the sense of obligation and in search of perfection.

“Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.”― Salvador Dali

Sometimes one needs a break, needs to step off the gas pedal. I am yet again choosing to be kind to myself. I am giving myself permission to be less and do less.

I know I will slowly get back to the things that feed my body, mind and soul in a healthy way. I will go back to pursuing interests and passions, instead of coasting.

For now, I breathe. I get work done, deadlines met. I have finished another mosaic, which makes my heart sing (posting it next).

And for another great way to waste my valuable and scarce time, I just signed up for Match.

Because hope never dies.

“Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all.”
― Emily Dickinson

Just silent, not gone

11 Monday Jul 2022

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“We often think that our affairs, great or small, must be tended continuously and in detail, or our world will disintegrate, and we will lose our places in the universe. That is not true, or if it is true, then our situations were so temporary that they would have collapsed anyway.” ― Maya Angelou

Life has been incredibly busy. My co-worker has been out now for over 1 month being treated for breast cancer.

The good news is that she is doing well and will not need chemotherapy. The bad news is that I have no idea when she will be returning to work. 

I have been staying at work late every day and working on Saturdays to be able to get it all done. In the end I do get it all done, but I tend to forget about me along the way. 

I am trying not to let the things I love slide by.  Some of what I love most are mosaics, and being involved with my blog, writing and visiting my blogger friends.

I haven’t been that present here.  I will try to catch up to everyone’s blog in the coming days.  As far as mosaics I managed to finish the one below, and I am putting the finishing touches in another one that I will be posting in the next few days.  

https://www.instagram.com/blessedwithastar/?hl=en

 

Freedom, not loneliness

29 Wednesday Jun 2022

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“You can change the place you live, your clothes, your interests, your friends, your religion and even your partner. However, if you forgot to change your mind, attitude, beliefs about the world, how you treat people and how you plan to be different this time around, why did you even bother?” ― Shannon L. Alder

After 5 years of living with me, my sister moved into her own place. It was not planned.  It happened very quickly.

I was 17 years old when I moved to NY.  She stayed in Brazil.  For the next 34 years we would see each once or twice a year.  In 2017 she got her Green Card and came to live with me. 

We are both fiercely independent Aries, loving our freedom and independence. Living together came with some adjustments.   Apparently I was doing a lot things wrong until she got here and showed me how to do it correctly 🙂  We both think we know it all! Things were better than expected though, we settled in a nice rhythm, and 5 years went by.

My tenant moved out on June 15, and I decided to sell the condo.  No more tenants for me.  I took my sister there to see it for the first time.  She fell in love with it.  

She is now my tenant while she saves more money for an official down payment.  She has been saving and investing since she got her first job here, so it will not take long.  I am extremely proud of her for being in the position to own something of her own here in the US.

We are both very excited to have our own spaces again, but she won’t be far.  We are in the same building. She is only a floor away. 



THE ABOVE CARTOON SAYS:
You get home, make coffee, sit on your favorite chair and there is no one…
You are the one that decides if that is loneliness or freedom.

So now I have my second bedroom back.  It is a good size bedroom, but I have so many ideas for it, that I will need 5 additional bedrooms to do it all.

Guest/Mom’s room- I will need a day bed or a sleep sofa. Comfy, but stylish.

Library/Reading corner -I will need a bookshelf and a comfy chair.

Mosaic studio – I will need a table and storage space for the materials.

Exercise corner – I will need to buy an elliptical. Need space to store mat, elastic bands, weights, etc. There are 2 closets, but I rather have those items easy, ready to use.

Sauna corner – need a space for my sauna blanket.  I am tired of rolling and unrolling it to use. And somewhere to place it – on the floor is not that comfortable.  Perhaps I will use the daybed when I get it or some small futon.

If you know me, you know I am a saver and not a spender, so I am not running out and buying a bunch of stuff to fill the room.  Specially after I take a look at my investments-scarily low. I will take my time.

“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” ― Maya Angelou

https://www.instagram.com/blessedwithastar/?hl=en

 

A date here and there. A drink here and there. Fun always and everywhere.

17 Friday Jun 2022

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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City Island, NY

City Island, NY

“What is past is past. never go back. Not for excuses. Not for justification, not for happiness. You are what you are, the world is what it is.” ― Mario Puzo

I should listen to Mario Puzo.  I think you realize by now that I have a problem closing doors.  I keep believing in redemption and second chances. Or perhaps I just think that the person will one day realize how amazing I really am.   I am getting better though.  I am slowly realizing I don’t have to talk to everyone. I don’t have to let everyone back in.  I don’t have to be nice to everyone. I don’t have to be friends with everyone.

“Even a spineless arthropod shed what’s no longer useful and leaves it behind them.  Are you not greater than they?” ― Jason Versey

I am deciding which online dating site I will be signing for next.   It will probably be Match.  While I decide and find the time to fill out a profile and upload photos, I have been busy with friends and some guys from the past.

There is this one guy that I don’t remember what name I gave him here.  I actually don’t even remember if I wrote about him.  Several years ago, we had a late-night date at a diner.  Immediately it was friendly and not romantic. 

Since then, he will call or text  a couple of times a year.   There is nothing interesting about his conversations.  It is all about him complaining about being busy and gloating about making a lot money.  He will always say that we need to get together and that he will call me to schedule.  He never does.  By now, I don’t even want to be friends anymore. 

I have his name on my phone as “Waste of Time”,  that should tell you how I feel about his texts and calls.  Finally, I got tired and blocked him on Messenger. 

The other day he found me on WhatsApp.  After exchanging a couple of messages, I blocked him there too.  It is the same song and dance.  He is not even friend material.

From now on I have to remember to block people on both, Messenger and WhatsApp.

“Memory takes a lot of poetic license. It omits some details; others are exaggerated, according to the emotional value of the articles it touches, for memory is seated predominantly in the heart. The interior is therefore rather dim and poetic.” – Tennessee Williams

Kremšnita at Dubrovnik Restaurant

Kremšnita at Dubrovnik Restaurant

Then there is Mr. Stock: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2021/09/10/the-prelude-to-the-unmasking-of-mr-stock/

We had a great time at that dinner over a year ago. I thought that he would ask me out again.  He never did.  Still, we continued the texting/talking relationship.  I was okay with that because we have become good friends.

Last Friday he asked if I wanted to go out to dinner.  I was surprised.  I like to eat, so I said yes.  I don’t mind last minute invitations.  If I am free, I go.

We went to Dubrovnik’s in New Rochelle.  He drove over 1 hour to take me to dinner.  He said that it took him hours to get the courage to ask me out.  I found that weird, and told him that.  I don’t get what the fear was. Later I understood that he thought this was a date.

During dinner he hinted that he now feels ready for a relationship… with me.  I was honest and said:  Been there, done that!  I told him about B., and how they are similar in the fact that they are both widowers and were not ready to date when we originally met.  I told him I am not making that same mistake again.

I also said to him that I believe that if a man really likes a woman, he doesn’t wait 1 year to ask her out on a second date.

He tried to give me all sorts of excuses, but I was not moved.  Friendship is the only thing on the table for him.

We continue to be friends.

“There exists in man a mass of sense lying in a dormant state, and which, unless something excites it to action, will descend with him, in that condition, to the grave.” ― Thomas Paine

Another guy, G. from a neighboring town reached out this week on WhatsApp.  Are people all of a sudden discovering WhatsApp? He mentioned that we met on OKCupid last year.  I was cautious as I didn’t remember anything about him.  I asked him if he had changed phone numbers, as he was not on my contacts.  He said that he didn’t.  I was only able to remember him when he sent me a picture.

I asked why we had stopped communicating and he said that I went to Brazil to visit my parents and never got in touch again. That is very possible.

I went through my records.  Yes, I do keep dating records.  It does come in handy. On my notes on him, I wrote: “Seems nice, but doesn’t seem to be that interested. Divorce is not final yet.”

On my notes I have a different phone number for him.  I will keep that in mind and ask him about it when we meet for coffee on Sunday. 

“Potential has a shelf life.” ― Margaret Atwood

On Saturday (Jun11), a friend, my sister and I went to a new Venezuelan restaurant in my town called Arepa Mania.  They had live music, and the two singers were great.   Do you know when restaurants open too soon, before they are ready?  That was the feeling I had.  Still, it was good, the owners were very pleasant, the music fun, the food good, but I think they have room for improvement.  After, we went for drinks to Modern Restaurant.

Cocktail at Modern Restaurant

Cocktail at Modern Restaurant

On Thursday (Jun14) we went to City Island, NY to Sea Shore restaurant.  The views were incredible, the service was great, but the food was just ok. The best for me was the free corn bread that they serve at the beginning.

Last night (Jun15) we took a friend to dinner at Tapas & Cucina in Eastchester, NY.  We had the most amazing time.  I have enjoyed their food, ambiance and service the past two times I had been there, but this time they added music to it.  They had an Italian singer, and it was great.  It was her birthday and the singer came and serenated her.  She was over the moon.

Yes, I have been busy 🙂

“We don’t know where we’re going, but isn’t is fun to go?” ― L.M. Montgomery

Back to the US and to anxiety

10 Friday Jun 2022

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My view from the office window

“What emotion had so invaded me? Fear? It is sometimes curiously difficult to name the emotion from which one suffers. The naming of it is sometimes unimportant, sometimes crucial.” ― Iris Murdoch, The Black Prince

I got back to NY and the anxiety has returned.  Well, I don’t think it had really left.  In Brazil I just did a good job of keeping it at bay.

I am still blaming Covid for some of it, but I think there are other factors at play.  Such as my need for routine.  I was in Brazil for 3 weeks, and now that I am back I cannot go back to my regular routine of work, and getting to the gym a couple of times to walk during the day.

I cannot go back to it because as I arrived, my assistant/co-worker was leaving to be treated for breast cancer.  The good news is that her prognosis is very good.  The bad news for me is that she will probably be away from work for a long time.  

My firm is not in the best shape financially to hire additional help, so I will have to do both jobs.  I can do it. I have done it before, but I fear messing up something important because of the mental fogginess and memories issues. I feel overwhelmed with some deadlines looming.

Another contributing factor to the anxiety, that I have to be honest about, is sugar.  I have written about sugar here a lot.  It is my constant frenemy.  The one I run to at all times, but that I should instead run from. I know it creates this rollercoaster effect with my emotions.

I did a wonderful job at not indulging in too many sweets in Brazil.  But, everything I didn’t eat there I brought with me.  I even brought a couple of cakes.  I am trying to do better and next time I go to Brazil I am not bringing anything back.  For now, I guess, I just need to finish it all soon. 🙂

“That’s your solution? Have a cookie?’ Astrid asked. ‘No, my solution is to run down to the beach and hide out until this is all over,’ Sam said. ‘But a cookie never hurts.” ― Michael Grant, Gone

On Tuesday I let the stress and anxiety get a hold of me.  I was feeling very overwhelmed the whole day.  I was lethargic and unmotivated.  Even this blog and my mosaics, two of the things that I love the most, felt unappealing to me.

That evening I got home in a bad mood, went straight to my bedroom and lay in bed staring at the ceiling.   I stayed there until the following morning.  

The next morning, I was horrified by that action, or should I say inaction.  I had let my emotions rule me to the point of paralysis.  I realized that I had completely forgotten about some very important beliefs that I hold, and some of my go-to coping mechanisms.

BELIEFS:

  • It is not what happens to me. It is how I choose to react and handle the situation.  A change in thinking and attitude is in order.
  • I am not a victim. There is nothing happening to me.  I can rise up and do what needs to be done.  And I can do it well.
  • There are no problems, only opportunities. This is an opportunity.  An opportunity to change things up at work, to see if all the guidelines I have put in place are being followed.  I already see a lot areas that need improvement. 

COPING MECHANISMS:

  • Make mental and written gratitude lists. Realizing how much I have and how much I have going for me, puts me in a good mood immediately.
  • Trying to quiet my mind down helps me immensely.  The overflowing of chit chat in my mind is what drives me nuts.
  • Making plans. Having goals to achieve and look forward to, believe me or not, helps. One would think that adding more stuff to my to do list would make it worst, but it doesn’t.
  • Just take a break, breathe and watch the beauty of nature. I started doing that at work now, and I look at the water far out in the distance (see the 2 pictures).

At the end of the day, I know better.  I know I am sounding like a spoiled cry baby complaining about extra work and anxiety, as my assistant is being treated for cancer. 😦  For the record, she is also a friend.  I am here for her, checking in on her daily and bringing her fruits, and whatever she needs.

“Life has a tendency to provide a person with what they need in order to grow. Our beliefs, what we value in life, provide the roadmap for the type of life that we experience. A period of personal unhappiness reveals that our values are misplaced and we are on the wrong path. Unless a person changes their values and ideas, they will continue to experience

A closer view of Long Island Sound

The Uber Ride to feeling young forever

17 Sunday Apr 2022

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“Youth is happy because it has the capacity to see beauty. Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.” ― Franz Kafka

I am in Brazil at the moment. I came to see my family and bring my mom back with me to spend 3 weeks in NY.

I have started multiple posts, but time is even shorter here, so I haven’t been able to finish any, so I am going to attempt to quickly write and post this.  Fingers crossed and forgive any typos.

I want to write about my ride to the airport.  My cousin was going to drive me, but he was going to try to fit me in between a couple of rides that he already had (he is a driver for a car service).  That didn’t work out.

For a moment I considered having B take me. He had offered when he heard I was taking a trip.  But I had said my cousin was going to take me.  I had already asked him for a ride on Monday when I had a colonoscopy. I didn’t want to use him this way again.

So I decided to call an Uber.  My experience with Uber to go to the airport is not the best. Most Ubers don’t want to go to the airport on a Friday, so they normally cancel.

I booked the ride and got the message that Jose would be coming in 12 minutes. I took all my 3 pieces of luggage outside in the front of the building. After 12 minutes I realized that Jose was driving to the back of the building. I called him and asked him to wait.

I had to take all 3 pieces of heavy luggage through the building and parking lot to the back. For the record, that was easier than asking him to drive around. Main Street New Rochelle has been a horror show with construction traffic. 

Finally I get to the car, get my luggage in and get settled in. I always try to make conversation with the driver.  Not everyone is responsive, Jose was.  The ride turned into a very inspiring experience. 

Jose, my driver, was turning 80 years old on that day!! I was in awe of how great he looked for his age, but not only that, I was impressed but his attitude.

We talked about everything, life, well-being, plans for the future, etc. Next year, when he turns 81, he plans to retire, move back to the Dominic Republic and study architecture. Meeting people like this gives me life.

“You are never too old to become younger!” ― Mae West

He talked about how he keeps in such amazing shape, physically, mentally and spiritually.  He shared with me some of his routine:

  • exercises at least 2 hours a day
  • no medication, he treats everything with natural remedies
  • his Bible: Alternative Cures by Bill Gotlieb (see pic at the top)
  • doesn’t watch tv, invests his time in reading and exercise
  • doesn’t stay on the phone chit-chatting with friends, no time for that.  His friends know he is there if they need him. 
  • stops working everyday at 6pm religiously. 
  • chooses gratitude every morning.
  • chooses to be happy no matter what is going on
  • massages – carries a massager with him, and at every opportunity he massages his back, face, feet, etc (see pic at the bottom)
  • adores life

His daughters wanted to pay his rent, but he said if he accepted that, then he would have to accept them meddling into his life.

He drove slow and safe through a very busy Friday rush hour. It was as if his was the only car on the road.  It was the most serene drive to the airport ever. Happy 80th birthday to Jose. May God bless all his days.

Jose and his positive attitude, and every older person that I meet that is full of life and plans, inspires me to live more and fully. The key to getting older but not feeling older it to always continue learning, growing, and looking to become better of body, mind and soul.

I realize that life at 56 is just beginning.

“Be game–take a chance–don’t hide behind veils and veils of discretion… Go forward with what you have to say, expressing things as you see them. You are new evidence, fresh and young. Your work, the spirit of youth, you are the progress of human evolution. If age dulls you it will be time enough then to be ponderous and heavy–or quit. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to be young, to continue growing–not to settle and accept.” ― Robert Henri, The Art Spirit

 

Making peace with my choices

31 Thursday Mar 2022

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“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing.” ― Theodore Roosevelt

My mom and I did it again.

She has done 4 times already and I am on my second, and, fingers crossed, the last.

Yes, if you guessed covid vaccine, you are right! Please come forward and collect your prize! 🙂

I got a booster shot. It was my second shot, as my first one was the one dose Johnson and Johnson. This one was Pfizer.

“When people will not weed their own minds, they are apt to be overrun by nettles.” ― Horace Walpole

This is not a pro-vaccine or anti-vaccine post. This is just a post about my not wanting to take the booster shot but in the end giving in, and making the decision that feels right for me right now.   It was not an easy decision at all.

In Brazil they started giving a fourth dose weeks ago.  My mother has already gotten it.  I found out after the fact, not that I would try to talk her out of it either.  My mom is soon to be 87 and she feels very protected by getting it.

I didn’t want to get a booster at all. I didn’t want to get the vaccine either, but ended up getting it because I was going to travel to Brazil to see my parents. I felt that I needed to do it for them. Once I did it, I felt it was the right choice for me.

Then came the booster and again I felt I had to get it because of my travels to Brazil.  I kept waiting, hoping that I would get confirmation that a booster is not required, but that hasn’t come.

“Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right.” ― Phillip C. McGraw

A friend that has just returned from Brazil said she was asked to show her vaccination card with the booster. Everything is so uncertain with the requirements that I chose to be on the safe side and take the booster, specially because my 1 dose JNJ is now over 1 year old.

I cannot postpone my trip to Brazil until I am sure I don’t need a booster. I have to go see my parents and brother and bring my mom over for her biannually trip here. She hasn’t been here in over 2 years.  She is a green card holder and is risking losing that status.

I have friends on both sides of this aisle. I have the ones that were shocked that it took me so long to get the booster.  And I have friends that were against the vaccine and didn’t want me to take the booster at all.

At the end of the day, they all understand that this is a personal decision. They respect my decision and I respect theirs. I had to choose what seemed to be best for me in my circumstances. 

I just heard about a new variant in Europe. Lord help us all!

“You are not the victim of the world, but rather the master of your own destiny. It is your choices and decisions that determine your destiny.” ― Roy T. Bennett

When the ego is out of line

27 Sunday Mar 2022

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“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ― Rumi

Yesterday B and I celebrated our 1 month anniversary!  Yes, you heard me… 1 whole month!   I will be that annoying person that celebrate monthly anniversaries.  No longer counting dates, I now count months. 

We went to Tapas & Cucina, a restaurant that I like that is located in Eastchester, NY.  We shared different tapas.  We had spicy potatoes, meatballs, empanadas and eggplant. I had a passion fruit mimosa and he had chardonnay.   He stays away from sugar so he didn’t have dessert. I had the tiramisu.

He brought me beautiful flowers (that ones on the picture above).  He is very sweet and tender with me. It is so comfortable being with him.

But not everything is flowers. There are some thorns, and it is mostly my overreacting.

“Make your ego porous. Will is of little importance, complaining is nothing, fame is nothing. Openness, patience, receptivity, solitude is everything.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

I continue, often subconsciously, to look for excuses/reasons to run. I am trying to be aware and immediately stop anytime I feel myself going down that rabbit hole of self-sabotage.

He is trying hard to be understanding, and I am trying hard just being in the moment and not creating problems where there are none.

This time I had a problem when he changed the radio station in the car after I had chosen a radio station.     

I didn’t say anything at the moment, but he already knows me well and could sense it.  I am always talking, going silent for any amount of time signals to him that something is wrong.

“The moment you become aware of the ego in you, it is strictly speaking no longer the ego, but just an old, conditioned mind-pattern. Ego implies unawareness. Awareness and ego cannot coexist.” ― Eckhart Tolle

He asked: “Ana, come back, where did you go?  What happened?”

I said: ” nothing”,  but when he insisted I mentioned the radio. I was trying to work out the situation on my own and not say anything, but in the end I rather be transparent and say exactly what is going on.  He apologized profusely.  He said he thought he had asked me.

I understand how petty that is, but for some reason, any little thing can have me looking into the future, and predicting doom.  My ego was trying hard to make me believe that his changing the radio station meant he didn’t respect my choices.

After some time, I was able to shut my ego down, and forget about the radio, and we proceeded to have an awesome night.

I am not proud of my moody behavior. I am, however, proud that I am able to recognize some of my patterns and that I am actively working on changing them.  Baby steps.

“Don’t Just

Don’t just learn, experience.
Don’t just read, absorb.
Don’t just change, transform.
Don’t just relate, advocate.
Don’t just promise, prove.
Don’t just criticize, encourage.
Don’t just think, ponder.
Don’t just take, give.
Don’t just see, feel.
Don’t just dream, do.
Don’t just hear, listen.
Don’t just talk, act.
Don’t just tell, show.
Don’t just exist, live.”
― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart