Category Archives: Daily Life

Leaning to accept the right to be angry!

23 Tuesday Feb 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Diana's Sunflower

Diana’s Sunflower

My goddaughter knows of my love for sunflowers so she made me one out of clay. Last time she made me something out of clay I dropped and it broke, then I lost some of the pieces. I felt bad. So this time I was intent on not breaking it. I painted this craft box of white, and then glued some plastic tiles on and around it. Then I glued the sunflower on top. It is a bit childish, but so am I, so I love it!

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“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” – Aristotle

Lately my Mom has angry moments, angry days.  She is angry at friends, at situations, at the weather. It seems she is angry at the world!

I don’t like it. I want to take her by the shoulders and shake some sense into her. I want her to realize how blessed she is. I want her to realize that being angry doesn’t help. Anger only poisons everything around. Anger corrodes happiness.

I can never tell her like it is. Everything is sugar-coated, always walking on egg-shells around her. My Mom is pampered. My siblings and I would and do everything for her. We never challenged my mother, we mostly agree. It seems too late to change the dynamic.

I think I know her anger though. My mom is 80 years old. She has amazing energy and looks more like 60 than 80. She can run circles around a 25 year old. But lately there are some days when she feels age creeping in. Since she fell ill a year ago, things have not been the same.

Her anger is from a body giving in when the soul is just waking up. It is from so many dreams and so little time. It is from a world of opportunities a tad too late. It is from a nameless frustration from pains too painful to deal with.  It is from fear of forgetting, is from fear of depending.

“He continued to see inevitable events from the past as avoidable, long after they’d taken their course.”  – Hugh Howey

Combine that with a painful, poor and hard childhood that she still carries around and every now and then mentions it but doesn’t free it.  As she ages and she shrinks, her shrinkage is as much from time as it is from the burden that she stubbornly carries. Such is my mother’s story, unable to pacify the child within.

Now that my 50th birthday is looming I begin to understand her frustration. Time is running out. The reality of the finite is unforgiving. A weakening body that seems to be slowing down too fast is scary.

What can I do when Mom gets angry for no reason? When she makes a mountain out of a molehill? Absolutely nothing! She will not change not matter how much I want her to. Trying to point out the obvious hasn’t worked. So I will try to change instead, in as much as I can.

Now I choose acceptance and respect.  I no longer get angry that she is angry.  I respect her right to be angry when she wants to. Why must she bottle up her anger because of my discomfort?

In my book my mother has earned the right to be angry when she wants to.  I will continue to love and pamper my Mom no matter how angry she gets.  I think love is stronger than anger, so I will always choose love.

In learning to accept my mother’s right to be angry, I am learning to accept everyone’s right to be angry, including my own!  My mom continues to teach me incredible lessons even if she doesn’t realize.

I know that everything passes. Everything has an end.  Thinking of my mother as finite terrifies me and it also helps me to love, accept and respect.

“A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.” – John Barrymore

Park City Mountain here I come!

19 Friday Feb 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me, travels

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Park City, Utah

Park City, Utah

“Travel brings power and love back into your life.” – Rumi

Park City it is! I am excited to be going skiing in Utah. I have never been there before and I do want to see every US state, so another one off the list. The hotel and the flights are booked and paid for so there is no changing my mind now.

Now I have to reserve the skis and schedule the lessons. I think I will take a couple of days of lessons and the other 3 days will be on my own. I am going alone, so I think I will play by ear and not plan every single moment.

I have been trying to learn how to ski for a few years now. Three years ago I had an awesome experience in Snowmass, CO. I took group lessons with this female instructor who was phenomenal. I wish I would remember her name. I gained so much confidence with her. I learned different skills; I even did a jump and a half-pipe.  For that moment in time I even lost my fear of speed.  I was on top of the world.

Then 2 years ago I went to Whistler and the mountain kicked my behind. I started on the blues and ended up on the bunny hill. It was very icy so I think that made me nervous and eroded my confidence. Not only that, but I also think that I was too over confident and a bit too conceited.

I have been to Whistler 3 times and even with this bad experience it remains one of my favorite places in the world, and I will definitely return at some point soon.

“Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us, or we find it not.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

From the bad experience in Whistler I learned:
1) Overconfidence can backfire. I was in a group and the other people were slower and less experienced than I was, so I was having an attitude, not externally, but internally.  In my mind I was the best and they were slowing me down.  That until I panicked and froze on a blue run.  I need to keep my ego in check and be more patient with others and myself.
2) I have to realize that different days and different conditions will bring about different experiences. It was pure ice and freezing in Whistler, so it would certainly be a different experience than fluffy power and warmer temperatures in Colorado. I need to better manage my expectations.  The best is not to have any.
3) I don’t have to let setbacks define me and even stop me. I am going to continue. So I have to re-start, so what? No one is keeping score other than me. And even if I am a beginner forever, who cares? As long I enjoy every moment, being grateful for the opportunity every skiing day is a success. (or any day doing anything)
4) It showed me how much I really love skiing and what I am made of. Even at my worst, even when I felt terrified to leave the bunny slope I decided to continue on.  I decided not to let that one bad experience define me. I am not the failure to ski blues, I am the success of keep going on the greens.  I create my own definition of success.

Why do I so enjoy something that I struggle with so much? Perhaps because of the struggle. Perhaps because it is a challenge and I want to conquer it.

I like challenges.  Several years ago I wanted to learn how to scuba dive but was always terrified of water. I went every night to the YMCA and slowly talked myself into letting go of the borders of the swim pool. Slowly I grew more comfortable in the water. I became certified and and went on a few adventures. I am still not comfortable in the water, but I like that I went ahead and learned enough to be certified and do something I always wanted to try.

But the real answer is that I never feel more free than at the top of a mountain. At that moment there is no work, there is no family, there is no problems or dramas; there is nothing else except getting to the bottom.   Often difficult, sometimes scary and even paralyzing, but totally freeing. My definition of heaven!

“Travel makes one modest. You see what a tiny place you occupy in the world.” – Gustave Flaubert

Boyfriendless and happy, but confused!

12 Friday Feb 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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Embracing Valentine’s Day

For the past few years this holiday always made me feel a bit blue.  I always felt this longing for someone to share that day with.  I always felt left out of a day made for couples.

This year is different.  If I had not broken up with MF last week I could be going on some holiday adventure and would be celebrating the day/weekend in style.  I chose to break up.  I chose to be alone.

All of a sudden I don’t feel this holiday is leaving me out, instead I am doing the leaving.  It is my choice and it feels so right, it feels so good!

I still want the fairy-tale. I still want to be lovey-dovey with someone, especially on this day, but now, more than ever, I am not willing to settle.  The older I get the less desperate I feel, the choosier I become, the more confident I am.  I guess that is one of the pros of growing older.

I am sending much love to everyone. I hope everyone enjoys this holiday.  Even if you think it is too commercial, enjoy it anyway!  It is indeed too commercial, as most holidays are becoming, but it serves as a reminder to celebrate all our loved ones, romantic or not.  Use this day to celebrate love! Love of all kinds, love for all things, love for yourself,  love even for the unlovable (exes included)

Speaking of Ex, I got a Valentine’s Day card in the mail from his mother.  J

“We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: it’s got to be the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”
I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.”  – Andrew Boyd

***

Whistler, BC 2014

Whistler, BC 2014

“I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!” Mark Twain

The problem with having too many choices

My brother always vacations in the same resort town in the north of Brazil.  Brazil is a huge country with so many amazing vacation spots, so I am always baffled that he chooses the same town over and over again.  I never understood that.  Why not try out a different place? Be a little adventurous, discover another favorite.

I am not sure why he does that.  Is it insecurity?  Is it fear of stepping into the unknown?  I want to go everywhere I never been to before.  I want to try it all, at least once.  I want the unknown and I don’t want to play it safe.  I follow my heart and that sometimes takes immense courage.

Yet, right now, I am sitting here considering going back to Whistler, BC or to Snowmass, CT.  I am considering it for the familiarity.  I know how to navigate those places.  All of a sudden I catch myself doing what I dislike in other people.  I already know I am turning into my mother, and now I am turning into my brother.  Quelle Horreur!

I am now trying to decide where to go and when to go.  I was leaning towards Utah since I have never been there and it would be another state crossed off my list.  Then there are all the other mountains in Colorado, and in Canada…   I used to be so decisive. Am I afraid of making the wrong decision?  I know that is a stupid question for someone that follows her heart and trusts her instincts.

Even my heart seems confused or perhaps just tired of making decisions.  It seems baffled by all the options out there.  Too much, too confusing, too many decisions.  I want a decision superhero, someone that will come in and just wave a wand and give me a whole planned itinerary.  I fear being so paralyzed by all the choices that I will end up doing nothing, going nowhere.  And the snow is melting as I think…

A decisive boyfriend may just solve all my problems 🙂

“If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another.
The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it works around that decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience.
If this sounds too mystical, refer again to the body. Every significant vital sign- body temperature, heart rate, oxygen consumption, hormone level, brain activity, and so on- alters the moment you decide to do anything… decisions are signals telling your body, mind, and environment to move in a certain direction.” – Deepak Chopra

My week

08 Monday Feb 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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I miss speaking to MF every night.  All of sudden there is nobody to listen to all the things that happens on my day to day.  I could call and talk to him but I don’t want to give him the impression that we have a future as a couple and I am afraid he would see things that way.   We have exchanged a couple of texts but that was it.  I guess my idea that we could be friends was completely flawed.   Since I am not talking to him I am going to share with you some of my week.

  • On Monday night I helped my tenant pack a few things.  I decided to help her to try to get her to move sooner rather than later.  She is always sick so I feel bad for her.  I realized she is a hoarder and has a problem letting go of things.  All we did was move things around.  I may have to be more forceful and give her a deadline.
  • On Tuesday night I wasn’t able to fall asleep until after 2am.  My hip was hurting so bad I couldn’t find a good position to sleep.  I think I overdid a little helping my tenant.   I need to do my stretches every morning and eventually go see a doctor again.  
  • On Wednesday night I dropped a 5 pound dumbbell on my bare foot.  I had to take a cab to get from the train station to work because walking with shoes on was too painful.  I dropped the dumbbell because I was not paying attention when I went to place them on a counter.  I need to pay attention to the task at hand.  I need to be in the moment. 
  • On Thursday I went to a workshop on new NFA (National Futures Association) regulations.  I learned a lot and by the end of Friday I had already drafted the required program for the new regulations that goes into affect on March 1st.   I can get a lot accomplished when I put my mind to it and don’t let things distract me. 
  • On Friday night I started working on a few mosaic projects. I am not very creative, but at the moment I have tons of ideas, and I am happy to get them out of my mind and in action.   Progress feels good.

My 50th birthday is coming up on March 28. (so not ready for it!!)  My twin sister and I were going to take a trip in February because that is when she can take time off.  But all of sudden February was here and nothing was decided, so this week she has gone to a resort in the north of Brazil.   We decided to postpone the trip towards the middle of the year when she will get her green card and be able to come to the USA.  We will go from here meeting somewhere.  Also it will be warmer in Europe as her dream is to go to Scotland.

I decided not to go to Brazil for my birthday.  Friends would want to make a big deal and have a big party.  I don’t care for big celebrations, then my mother would be stressed and overworked, because of course no matter how much we would tell her she didn’t need to do anything  she would go insane with the preparations.

Instead I want to go on a skiing vacation.   Once again I will have to go alone.  A bit sad since MF had all kinds of plans for Valentines Day and for my birthday, but oh well, better alone than to waste somebody’s time, energy and heart.

It’s not you, it’s me!

30 Saturday Jan 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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MF and I bonded over our love of Seinfeld.  Unfortunately in breaking up I will have to use the “It’s not you, it’s me” routine.  He will react as surprised as Seinfeld, as it seems all is going well.  And it is, because I have been willing to ignore the lack of passion and certain nagging feelings.

I realized that I have been trying to convince myself that he can be the one.  I have been forcing it and trying to make it work.  Love cannot be forced.  Chemistry cannot be created and it doesn’t magically appear.  It is either there or not there.

I took the day off from work yesterday and went skiing with him.  We had a great time… as friends on a day out.  Romantically something was missing.  Something has been missing from day one.

We just don’t match in the romance and intimacy department.  I thought he was just shy and nervous in the beginning and that things would improve.  They did improve but not enough.  We are just different and expect different things.

He is a great friend and a great company. He is kind and considerate. He is up for anything I want to do or try.  I am going to miss the company and I hate to hurt him but leading him on is not fair.

I will be back to having to do things alone, but I much rather that than to feel I am using someone.  What I am going to miss most is the nightly phone call where I get to go on and on about stupid stuff and he so patiently listens.

Besides the lack of romance, there is this nagging feeling that something else is not right.  I have a feeling that there is something I don’t know.  He has been very open with me, but still there is this feeling that I cannot shake it.

It may sound silly but I am not willing to ignore this unsettling feeling.  I am also not willing to settle for a relationship without passion, without sex.  If this relationship, that is barely 3 months old is already this passionless, I cannot imagine it 6 months down the road.

“A great fire burns within me, but no one stops to warm themselves at it, and passers-by only see a wisp of smoke” – Vincent van Gogh

We don’t see each other often and when we do we already act like we have been married for 20 years.  I want a man that cannot wait to see me and take me in his arms, as in my past relationships.

I have already talked about that with him a month ago.  I mentioned my needs and wants.  He asked me to be patient and to give us a chance.  I feel I did.  To keep going when I know something is lacking will make me feel like I am using him.

He is a great guy, hard-working, honest, great father, and many other great qualities.  Many women will love to be with him, but he is not the one for me. I tried to make it work, but it has gotten to the point that I settled for passionless.  I also now find fault with a lot things he does.  I am now like a dictator telling him exactly what he needs to do.  I don’t like that feeling.  I am becoming a critical nag.

I hope he understands my feelings and that he can still be my friend, as I love talking and spending time with him.  He mentioned in the beginning that we would always be friends, so we shall see.

I also feel that if I stay with somebody that is great but not the one, I am not leaving room in my life for the right person to arrive.  I am also impeding the other person from finding their true match.

I want everything or nothing at all.  I want a friend and a lover.  I don’t think I should have to choose.  Better alone than with the wrong person.

Now back to singlehood!

 

“I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
Like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.”
― Pablo Neruda

Learning from the KC Chiefs’ loss

22 Friday Jan 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”  – Winston S. Churchill

I am a Kansas City Chiefs fan.  How come a Brazilian New Yorker is a KC Chiefs’ fan?  I will explain: The ex boyfriend was a hardcore Chiefs’ fan.   I learned the rules of American football by not missing any games while the relationship lasted.  I even spent one week in River Falls, WI to go to the Chiefs training camp.  I also love an underdog and they certainly fit that category.

After the breakup I regretfully threw out or gave away everything that had to do with Chiefs. I incorrectly thought that  now that I don’t have the boyfriend I had to also relinquish the team, along with the house and the dog.  Later I realized that I didn’t have to lose the team because I lost the boyfriend.  Last year the Chiefs hired  Cairo Santos, a Brazilian player as a kicker.  They are the first NFL team to hire a Brazilian player.  I saw that as a sign that the Chiefs were meant to be my team.

“The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.”  – Tom Bodett

This season after losing 5 straight games they go on to win 11 straight and were in the Super bowl playoffs.  I was excited, happy and hopeful.  Then they met the reigning champions, the Patriots. The Chiefs stumbled and fell.  The score ended at 20 to 27.  It was a winnable game.  There were chances.  What happened?

There is no precise answer, no one knows;  but I realized that their loss could teach me a few things:

  • Take advantage of momentum. Momentum was on their side.  Sometimes things are going our way and instead of keep going we stop as we get very close to the goal.  We tire, we get lazy, we lose faith and we end up missing the moment.  When things are going your way, be grateful and keep going, work even harder and don’t stop until achieving your goal.
  • Believe in yourself and in your achievements. I felt the Chiefs felt they were already lucky enough to get as far as they got after a dismal start.  Do you ever feel like a fake?  Sometimes I do.  Especially when I get praises from people.  Sometimes I doubt if I deserve all the praise and all the blessings I have.  When we have that attitude, when we start thinking that whatever we have is because of luck and not our hard work then we become powerless.   Luck can give out at any second.  Take ownership of your hard work.  Praise yourself. Recognize how hard you have worked to be where you are.  Be willing to work even harder to get farther.  Believe that God rewards the ones willing to put in the work.
  • Take advantage of opportunities.  The Chiefs had plenty of chances to turn the game around, but somehow it didn’t happened. Will they have another chance?  I hope so, but who knows.   How many times do you look back and realize that you have missed opportunities.  Looking back you realize you were so close and yet you gave up.  Hindsight is 20/20 but my point here is the need to make sure that we become more aware of present and future opportunities.  Some opportunities won’t knock twice; when it knocks try to grab it before it is too late.
  • Don’t defeat yourself before you even begin. I think the Chiefs never believed they could win against the Patriots.  How many times have you given up on something before even trying? We often think something is too hard and we are not good enough.  And at those times that we decide to try anyway we don’t give our all because we don’t believe our all will be good enough, so we go in half-hearted.  When you decide to do something give it 100%. Belief in yourself, do not sabotage yourself with self doubt.  Believe that you can be victorious.  Visualize yourself being victorious.

“Not all dreamers are winners, but all winners are dreamers. Your dream is the key to your future. The Bible says that, “without a vision (dream), a people perish.” You need a dream, if you’re going to succeed in anything you do.” – Mark Gorman

  • Don’t accept less than what you deserve. The Chiefs had a great season and were very happy to get to the payoffs, but getting close is not good enough. Coming in second is not good enough.  Aim high, aim for the top and don’t settle for less than the stars.  What do you think are you deserving of? In life you will get what you work hard for and you will get what you think you deserve.  The Universe is conspiring to get you what you want, aim high and don’t settle for less.
  • Don’t let obstacles paralyze you. The Chiefs knew the Patriots were a superior team.  The Patriots were, after all, the reigning champs.  The Patriots got into their head.  Don’t let hardships, obstacles and curve balls stop you on your way to getting what you want.  When we start thinking that the opponent/ goal is too far, too great, too hard, and too unattainable then we already lost.   Don’t let the size of the goal defeat you.  Have courage and trust your abilities!
  • Don’t stop trying. Don’t stop fighting.  The Chiefs had been giving their all up to the playoffs. Even while missing key players they had been able to win against stronger teams.  Did they think it was already in the bag? Was it a case of over-confidence?  Don’t slow down assuming something is already yours.  Dream but make sure you act to make that dream come true.  Nothing substitute hard work!

“Not to give up under any circumstances should be the motto of our life: we shall try again and again, and we are bound to succeed. There will be obstacles, but we have to defy them. So do not give up, do not give up! Continue, continue! The goal is ahead of you. If you do not give up, you are bound to reach your destined goal.” – Sri Chinmoy

Problems, Rainy Vermont and Shy boyfriend

15 Friday Jan 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” -Rumi

I am special, but not unique.  Everyone has problems, big and small.  What makes the difference is how we choose to handle them.

My plate is still full of problems and headaches at work and at home, but I am back to wearing my rose-colored glasses, so all is changed.  An adjustment in attitude and perception changes everything. I am taking ownership of my problems, instead of letting them own me.  I am actually enjoying them for the immense opportunity they offer.  I am relishing in the knowledge that they will not last forever.  This too shall pass!

I am also battling a bad cold this week that has left me achy and unfocused.  For a second I felt overwhelmed and like a victim.  It seemed everything was happening at once.  Why can’t problems and illnesses call in advance and make an appointment? I could just say : No, this week I have a cold scheduled, come the following week.  🙂

Now for the good stuff:  My boyfriend took me skiing in Vermont last weekend.   He knew I was dying to go skiing so he made it happen.  Too bad he couldn’t do anything about the weather.  We had to take our skiing lessons in the rain.  It was awesome anyway.

While in Vermont we also went to see comedian Jim Breuer.   He was great, but so loud (am I getting old?).  The comedian that opened for him, Chris Monty, was hilarious.  It was great to spend a weekend of laughter and adventure, and forget about problems.  Well, a tenant called complaining about water issues in the middle of Sunday, but I was able to make some calls and then get back to the fun.  Anytime issues came to mind I would get into the gratitude mode and just chant: thank you, over and over again.  It works!

MF, the boyfriend, is so sweet.  He is trying hard to make me happy and make this relationship works.  Still cautious and  unsure,  I proceed taking one day at a time.

There was a moment in Vermont when I made him uncomfortable.  We were in a pub after the comedy show and I decided to have, not one, but 2 cosmopolitans.  I will normally have a glass of wine or a cocktail when out socially, 2 max.   I never got drunk and don’t want to start now.  I am a control freak so the idea of being drunk terrifies me.  Still one glass is enough to make me even friendlier and happier.

There weren’t that many people in the pub and at one point I hugged and kissed him.  He called it making out; I thought it was just flirtatious behavior.  I don’t think it was bad, I know how to behave.  He is very shy, I am very not.  He had mentioned he had no problems with PDA so I was a little taken aback by his discomfort.  He doesn’t want to make a big deal of this difference and says he will be able to adjust.  First, I wonder if someone can really change and second, I wonder if I want someone to change for me…

“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” – Lemony Snicket

 

Remembering to breathe and be grateful above all things!

06 Wednesday Jan 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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On the way to NC a stop at VA

On the way to NC a stop at VA

So much to write, so little time and inclination… please forgive me, and on that note:

I am sorry!  Please forgive me!  I love you!  Thank you!  In 2016 I am going for soul cleaning and more forgiveness (Ho’oponopono)

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.”  – Ralph Waldo Emerson

The boyfriend and I survived the road trip.  It took 12 hours to get to North Carolina and 10 hours to return to New York.  On the way there I found out that the house we were staying at also contained 2 snakes.  I went crazy.  I was mad.  I cried.  I told him that I would never have agreed to come on this trip had I known this before.   I thought it was very insensitive of him to forget that my number 1 fear is snakes and also that his friend had them.  He suggested we stay in a hotel but at point I decided that as long as the snakes stayed in a locked room I would try to make it.  I am glad to tell you I did it. It is behind us now, but next time I am choosing to stay in a hotel, not only because of the snakes but for various reasons.

I am trying to take this relationship, and life, one day at a time, but I keep predicting doom (I tell him that).  At the moment my problem is with his social awkwardness.  He gets nervous and the third grade jokes appear and it annoys me immensely (and I tell him that).  For now he still finds my brutal honesty charming, but I don’t think that feeling will last.

He took me out on New Years Eve and I was so moody I could barely stand myself.  I feel my hormones are out of control.  I warned him about PMS.  But it seems every day is PMS lately. Or am I just testing him?  How much can he put up with?  Does he like me enough?  Do I like me enough?

“I promise you nothing is as chaotic as it seems. Nothing is worth diminishing your health. Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety, and fear.”  – Steve Maraboli

At work things are stressful.  The infamous audit is still not over and on top of that I have another regular scheduled unaudited audit that I need to complete by the end of the month.  It also seems we will have to fire a couple of people that are not producing.  Even though they should know it is coming I still feel bad.

I am also having issues with my 2 rental apartments.  I never planned on being a landlord.  I don’t have time to deal with any issues.  I was holding on to them to wait for the right time to sell, but I think the right time maybe now.  My other aim for 2016 is to lead a simpler and more minimal life, so shedding excess baggage and drama is at the forefront.

At times it has been hard staying positive.   I don’t do uncertainty well.  This control freak here likes to know where everything stands at all times.  I am constantly failing at “letting go and letting God”.

I actually had to sit myself down and have a hard talk.  I had to look to the past for reminders of my forever faith and positivity.  I had to remind myself of how far I have come and how I have dealt with tough situations in the past.

I also had to remind myself that:

  • God has a plan, just trust in it. Trust that He gives you only what you can handle.
  • There are no problems, only opportunities for learning and growing.
  • Stop reacting and over-reacting. Something happens, pause and reflect before interfering and creating chaos.  Sometimes it is best to let nature take its course without interference.  I don’t have to face everything head-on and immediately.
  • It is not what happens to me, it is how I react (or over-react) to it. Welcome problems as blessings.  Be grateful for their arrival and learn from them.
  • How truly blessed I am. I have an amazing family, great job (even if stressful), comfortable home, cool friends, someone willing to put up with my moods, and most important I have life and opportunities.
  • I need to love, respect and give myself a break. I want to be perfect; I want to be productive at all times.  I expect great results.  Anything less feels like a failure.  Being this hard on myself is only leading towards a mental and physical breakdown.

The list of things I need to remind myself of goes on and on.  But for now when in doubt Accept, Forgive and Be Grateful!

“ Pain is inevitable,suffering is optional”. – Dalai Lama XIV

 

Let’s do Different!

26 Saturday Dec 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.” – Seneca

Thank you everyone for another year of putting up with my blog.  Thank you for taking time to read, for finding inspiration to comment and for the kindness in giving me advice and support.  You mean a lot, I owe you a lot! Sending huge tight grateful hugs to all!

Yesterday I went to the 5 o’clock mass.  I am very spiritual and not religious but I have been going to mass some Sundays and I wanted to go to one on Christmas Eve.  I am so blessed, I have so much to be thankful for, and going to mass has been my way of taking a separate time to thank God for all my blessings.

My boyfriend… wow it is weird to say I have a boyfriend.  After 4 years of going on endless one dates and having one disappointment after another I am trying to get used to the idea of having someone that cares about me and is not afraid to tell me often.

MF (the boyfriend) is everything I need that I didn’t know I needed.  He gives me comfort, patience, understanding.  He is totally non-judgmental and finds my brutal honesty refreshing.  I feel completely accepted!

We are leaving tomorrow on a 10 hour drive from New York to North Carolina.  We are going to spend a couple of days at his best friend’s house.  For some reason I am not concerned about this at all.  My only concern was the idea of showing up at somebody’s house empty handed, so I solved that by buying this huge Godiva Chocolate basket.  Who doesn’t like chocolate?

This week I had some realizations:

  • This relationship feels different.  It feels easy and permanent. (Even though  it will not be easy.  I know it will take work to put all the pieces together… we both have busy lives. We live 1 hour away. His 8 year old son has severe ADHD and needs more attention than most kids).  Do I like him enough to put in the work necessary?
  • I think that my brutal honesty may sometimes be too much.  I think that I may be testing him by all I say and the questions I ask. Perhaps I want to see how far I can push him.  Am I trying to push him out of the door?
  • I realized that I feel guilty anytime I eat something deemed not healthy, like sugar and carbs, and that is very much very often. Here is a new idea: Not seeing food as good or bad.  Just eat and enjoy it!
  • I realized that instead of losing the famous 10 pounds to proudly disrobe in front of the boyfriend, I am instead gaining 10 pounds and more. Is this another way of sabotaging this and/or testing him?  Since I feel he accepts me completely perhaps I am looking for proof.

Perhaps I need to stop thinking too much.  I need to get out of my head sometimes. I need to change.  And on that note I want to talk about 2016.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”  – Gautama Buddha

In a way I am glad to see 2015 coming to an end.  It was a turbulent year.  Every new year holds so much promise.  It is up to me to make 2016 the best year ever.  I plan on making it amazing since it will be the year I am turning 50. ARGHHHH just so NOT happy about turning 50!!

I want to do 2016 is different! I want to be nice to myself in 2016!

What about if we (you and I) did everything different?  I want to stop using the same old excuses.  I want to stop hiding behind this excess weight, that no one is really paying any attention to, and it is bothering only me.  I want to forget about my past failures and continue trying.  Because the old boyfriend cheated, it doesn’t mean that this one will.  Because I had to give up all exercise for one year because of a hip injury it doesn’t mean that I cannot ever be completely healthy again.

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” – Albert Einstein

I want to take more chances.  I want to stop pressuring myself to be perfect and to accomplish so many things at once. All that this pressure has done is to leave me feeling like a failure.  I have done a lot and accomplished a lot and yet when I look back I see missed opportunities and areas where I could have done so much better.

I am not being fair to myself.  I want to be nice to myself.  I want to relax and enjoy the journey.  I know it is a cliche but I am so results driven that I need to have “Enjoy the journey” tattooed on my arm so I can be reminded every single moment.  If I am not getting results I think I am failing and that is not the point of life at all.  I know better.

How are you going to show up in 2016 and take ownership of your life? Are you going to stop letting others, media, internet, tv, friends and enemies dictate what you do and how do you feel about yourself? What is that one thing that scares you the most?  Just go ahead and do it!

Next time I see the boyfriend,well, tomorrow,  I think I will just take my clothes off and say: “This is it, take it or leave it!”  (stay tuned, I will let you know how that turns out…)

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” – Leo Tolstoy

 

Kissing and Telling

17 Thursday Dec 2015

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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 “Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of ‘not knowing.” – Mark Z. Danielewski

Life is flying by while I try to hang on and get things done…in the meantime my blog suffers in silence, and for that I am sorry and will try to be much better in 2016.

Audit at work:  Still not finished.  It is a struggle for me to live with unfinished things such as this.  I like to know when things will end, and how will they end.  How audits on a company of 15 people take 4 months is beyond me.  Government at its best!

Family: It is hard being far from my family at this moment.  Mom and dad aren’t young anymore and right now they have a lot of health issues.  I am learning to live with the fact that things will probably get even harder.  I am learning to accept the natural progression of life.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”  – Lao Tzu

Christmas Spirit: I have never really been a Christmas person.  I normally don’t fly to Brazil to be with my family around the holidays.  I either spend it with friends or alone.  And just between us, I often favor being alone, making some nice comfort food and watching a fun movie.

Now for the kissing and telling:

It turns out that the kissing improved… a lot!  I realized that he was just so nervous around me on the first 2 dates.  I also realized that finding fault with his kiss is my way of finding something wrong and therefore an excuse to run away.

I decided to make more of an en effort.  I decided to be less critical and more open.  I am trying not to sabotage this relationship.  I am trying to let things be and go and flow as they will.  Still at times I catch myself testing him, trying to push him away.  It feels like I could say or do anything and he will still be here, it is such a wonderful freeing feeling.

This relationship is extremely new, just a month old and yet it feels like forever.  We have only seen each other a handful of times.  We continue to speak for a couple of hours every night.  Our conversations range from events of the day to childhood memories.  I find myself telling him stupid stories that I have never told anyone.  It is so easy to talk to him.  He makes everything seem easy.

We are very similar on our morals, wants, needs and dreams, but still we are extremely different on so much more.  He is shy, I am out there.  He is gentle, I am aggressive.  He is Pisces, I am Aries.  He is Monkey, I am Horse.  My brutal honesty and in your face approach doesn’t scare him.  He says he is up to the challenge.  I wonder if he knows what he is in for.  I wonder if the novelty will wear off.

He is thoughtful and remembers things I tell him.  Like when I said that my favorite flowers were daisies and sunflowers and he shows up with them.

I have already met his 8 year old son.  It was a short meeting and it went well.  I also already met his co-workers.  I went to his work Holiday dinner, it was fun and everyone was welcoming.  At the end of the December I am going to North Carolina to meet his best friend.  Perhaps it is all a bit too fast, but I figure that knowing the important people in his life will give me a better idea of who he is.

It feels wonderful to have someone that cares and is not afraid to say it and show it.  It is refreshing to meet someone that is not into all the dating games people play.  He says what he means and means what he says.

I feel I found that rare combination of friend and lover all in one.  The possibilities seem limitless.  My heart is constantly singing.

He had just started online dating when I met him.  I had given up, contacting him was my last act before taking down my profile.  When he replied and we clicked it felt nothing short of a miracle.  At times I feel he hasn’t been out there enough.  His divorce was final in March and he was separated a year before that.  When I tell him that he should do some more dating to figure out what he wants, he tells me that he has already found what he wants and doesn’t need to do any more searching.  I shut up and smile.

“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow – this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.” – Elizabeth Gilbert