Monthly Archives: June 2013

The disappearing Act

26 Wednesday Jun 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I haven’t had too many relationships.  2 major ones to be exact.  I had one relationship for 20 years that ended amicably (it is crazy, but we care for each like brother and sister now).  Then there is Ex, the 3 year relationship that devastated me.  Between those two there was some dating but not a lot, so I don’t consider myself knowledgeable in that area.  All of a sudden at 47 I am a teenager in the dating word, unsure of how to navigate all the unspoken rules.

“The successful man will profit from his mistakes and
try again in a different way.” 
― Dale Carnegie

I hear horror stories about online dating, so I think I have been luckier than most.  The guys I have been meeting have been nice guys, but normally it doesn’t go more than 1 date due to no interest on my part.

Then I met Dan (name changed to protect the guilty).   He had almost everything.  I say almost because he didn’t make me go weak in the knees.  He took me to great restaurants. There was no lack of interesting conversation.   He was such a gentleman and he was not pushy for anything physical.  I had explained that I needed things to go very slow and he said he understood and it was not a problem.  He is the one that, coincidentally, has a showroom just 3 blocks from my office (how perfect I thought!).  The potential for a happy life seemed incredible.  He made me feel special.  I thought to myself: Here is a man that gets me and wants to make me the center of his world. I want that!

“I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside.” 
― Wm. Paul Young

But still after 6 dates I was not feeling it in my heart but I was thinking that perhaps this is where I should let my mind do the talking. I wrote about this mind heart conflict here: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2013/05/27/my-heart-wants-fireworks/

Dan seemed to do all the right things.  I felt special, and was starting to think “maybe”. I was ignoring my heart and letting my mind rule.

Then there was silence:  Dan disappeared!

This happened a couple of weeks ago.  He had texted me, as he normally did asking if I was around on the weekend and I had said yes.  This was a Thursday morning so I expected to hear from him that night to make plans for the weekend.    When Sunday came around and I hadn’t heard from him I was worried that something had happened to him so I texted him.   He texted me back on Monday and I quote: “Sorry for the lateness in replying, I needed some time to sort things out.”

Not knowing what that meant exactly I just replied wishing him luck on sorting things out.

After speaking to my sister about this, she said that perhaps there was something going on with his mom.  He had mentioned that perhaps his mother would have to move in with the brother because it was becoming difficult for her to be alone.  It never crossed my mind that perhaps there was something was wrong with her.   So to have a clear conscience I reached out to him again and said that I was here if he needed to talk and that I hoped that all was okay with his Mother.  I got no reply.

2 weeks go by and I am still confused and shocked by his silence.  Was he just going to disappear and never say a word if I had never had texted him that Sunday?  Is this normal behavior?

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” 
― Edmund Burke

I was still thinking about him and his actions (or lack of it) for 2 reasons.  First I wonder if he really has some big problem going on in his life and second because he had bought tickets to take me to a show of a Brazilian singer tonight (June 26).  Was he going to all of a sudden appear to go to the concert? I was already mentally trying to decide, do I go or just say no?

So the day before yesterday the curious Aries in me couldn’t take it anymore so I texted him and asked how were things.  It took him a day to reply and he said: “ thank you for thinking of him and I am sorry I am not in a good place to communicate”.

Hum? What in the world does that mean?

I just hate stuff like that.  What is the problem with the truth?  I think I am owed that.  Why the mystery?

“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” 
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I just replied wishing him luck and saying I was only worried because I didn’t take him for a man that would just disappear.

At any rate I am still curious to know what exactly happened but not curious enough to show up at his office and demand an explanation.

This, I think, serves as a validation that my heart knew better.  I should have known better than to let my mind start talking me into liking someone when my heart wasn’t in it.  I thank the Universe for giving me an answer to this conflict between my heart and my mind.

When things like this happen I think I should get on my knees and thank heavens  that my heart came out unscathed.  As stupid as it may sound, I feel stronger for it and I feel even closer to finding the One.  It does feel good eliminating the wrong ones (wrong for me) and leaving space for the right one.

… or perhaps I should just buy a safe for my heart and keep it in there and not chance it getting hurt again, this came too close for comfort.

“Hearts are breakable,” Isabelle said. “And I think even when you heal, you’re never what you were before”.” 
― Cassandra Clare

But I am still curious if this is a normal thing, to have great dates and then never hear from the person again?  oh well, the joys of the dating world!

I guess the grieving process is not over :(

23 Sunday Jun 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite” 
― Cassandra Clare

I was talking to my sister the other day when she said that I was different after the break up with Ex.   I asked: Different how?  She said: Angrier!

I was shocked! I never expected that answer!  If anything I thought she would have said happier or more at peace, anything along those lines.  But angrier???

At first I was speechless.  For several seconds my mind went numb and I didn’t know what to think, then for another brief second, thoughts of asking for examples of such behavior came to mind.

When I actually recovered my ability to speak I went into defensive mode explaining how what had happened to me would change anyone.  I felt the need to explain how my disappointment was so intense and painful that my only defense was to change.  No more Miss Nice Girl! Of course she didn’t need to hear any of the excuses for my change, as you guys don’t need to hear all of the details on how hurt I was, as you have heard all of that before.

But, was I really angrier?  Any traumatizing event is certain to leave a mark.  This was the most traumatizing event of my life.  No, I have not lived a sheltered life.  I left Brazil at 17 with no English and no money.  I certainly had to grow up fast and had my share of bad times.  But even with everything that I have lived through in my life, with my father battling cancer and coming up triumphant as an example of a terribly difficult time, this break up was an event that I thought it would kill me.

I didn’t need to ask my sister for examples.  I knew she was right.

The aftershocks of this break up are still ongoing.  I had certainly hoped that all my changes would be for the better.  I never thought I would lash out and be angry towards the ones I love the most.  I thought the break up had proved my ability to forgive and to continue to love above all things.  I thought if anything I had became more forgiving of human imperfections.  I forgave Ex and understood the need to look inside myself and take some ownership of my role in the relationship.  I thought I had dealt with things and had moved on. 

“We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.” 
― Marcel Proust

But indeed I am angry!  I am angry at the Universe for showing me true love and then taking it away.  Why must you send me a man that treats me like a Princess for 3 years and then have that fairy tale just fall apart?  Why make me think that I was going to be with this man for the rest of my life and then make the rest of my life last only 3 years.  What now?  I don’t know who I am now.  How to fix a crystal vase?  You can’t!  You can try, but the imperfections are visible.  Those are all questions that I thought had already been put to rest and then all of a sudden they come to the surface again.

I am more impatient.  I want things done yesterday.  I am tougher on people closer to me.  I expect more, I expect people to proof themselves.  I thought I was just being an Aries, but instead was more than that, I am still dealing with hurt.

I am extremely tough on dates.  They have their work cut out for them.  It will not be easy getting into my heart anymore.  I guess I am being difficult with everyone to keep them away from me.  Perhaps my anger is my bullet proof vest .

It all gets back to Ex.  Why is that, 2 years after he still feel as fresh in my life as if it was yesterday?  No, I am not in love with him anymore, but I have come to the realization that I will love him forever.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” 
― Rumi

Ex is a scar in my body and my life and it is up to me to decide how I want to display that scar. Hide it as a shameful secret? Show it off as a badge of honor? Ignore it as a non-event? Or come to love it and accept as a natural life occurence?

I have instances when I want to talk to him and demand an apology.  In my mind, if I heard him accepting his mistakes and apologizing for them, then it would be okay for me to be friends with him.  I want to be okay to talk to him, but without an apology it feels too much like I am disrespecting myself.  We trade texts once in a blue moon on superficial matters.  At those times I catch myself caring about him and thinking of him as a friend.  I see myself wanting to share news with him.   When I catch myself I am terrified!  I quickly make a mental effort to remember all the lies and betrayals.  We are not friends, and can never be!  We share a past and that is it!  I am so afraid to let him back in my life!

Why is it so easy for me to be angry at others and yet to be angry at him it takes effort?

When I think I am over it all, that I am a better person for it, I realize I am an angrier person for it.  Back to the drawing board!! Back to trying to figure things out!  Back to trying to be whole again, and not just damaged goods!

I am so confused, and I am diving my heart crazy!  One second I tell it to just love!  Love all things, love the ones who love you, but above all, love the ones that hurt you even more.  And then I feel the need to remind it of what happens when you love, how vulnerable you become, and how you become a prey.

Yet I know better than to become this old angry woman!  I thank my sister for making me realize that I had made a wrong turn on the road to recovery.  I promise to be more watchful of my words and actions.  Hurting anyone with angry words is not what I wanted or intended.

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it…” 
― Nicholas Sparks

I will continue to tell my heart to love above all things! But it is also okay to be a little guarded.  Navigating that fine line will be key!

This is a post that I never saw it coming, but it is here and now I have to deal with it!  I feel somewhat embarrassed for such a post, for such weakness, for all of a sudden feeling less of a poster girl in dealing with a breakup, for such unawareness about myself.   But what am I dealing with it here?  The true definition of love and forgiveness?  The different ways in which pain manifests itself? Just another stage in the grieving process?  Surviving the loss of love?  How I see myself versus how the word sees me? Inability to let go of the past? Lies we tell ourselves?

Final thought: Just love, love, love and when in doubt, love some more!

BRAZIL: The revolt of the Happy Giant!

20 Thursday Jun 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files

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“World peace must develop from inner peace. Peace is not just mere absence of violence. Peace is, I think, the manifestation of human compassion.” 
― Dalai Lama 

Please note: I am the least political person in the world. I don’t like discussing politics and religion, normally wanting to keep my opinions to myself and avoiding conflict. I will tell anyone what I think if I am asked but I will not go out of my way to address certain issues.  I also don’t feel I have read enough and understand enough to opine, but I feel the need to say something, from my Brazilian heart.  There is danger in keeping quiet, there is danger in not voicing your opinions, there is danger in going with the flow.

In addition, Ex sent me a text saying how sorry he was about the protests going on in Brazil.  I replied thanking him and saying it was a good thing.  He was shocked by my reply to agreeing with a protest for a few cents.  This morning he sent me this article saying that now that he read it my reply makes more sense:

http://ireport.cnn.com/docs/DOC-988431?hpt=hp_bn8

So,  I decided to write about the protest going on in Brazil right now.

“You may choose to look the other way but you can never say again that you did not know.” 
― William Wilberforce

Today I am wearing my Brazilian Soccer jersey, which a lot of my co-workers thought it was because Brazil beat Mexico yesterday in a soccer game. So I guess I am killing 2 birds with one stone 🙂  My soccer jersey is to show my support to Brazil and perhaps an invitation to people to talk to me about Brazil, and I can’t deny I love Brazilian soccer.

The idea of the protest in Brazil is a good thing. I think it does lack a bit of clarity.  Is there a clear list of demands? oh wait, is that what protesters do or perhaps that is what hijackers do? whatever it is I am confused to what we (Brazilians) want.  We want change, but perhaps at this time we need to be more specific and spell it out the list of changes!

“Until he extends the circle of his compassion to all living things, man will not himself find peace.” 
― Albert Schweitzer

The protest is not about the increase of a few cents on public transportation fares! It is about the never ending corruption and inequality.  It is about the changing of laws to protect the corrupt and powerful. It is about hospitals and schools in deplorable state.  It is about so much more.

I hate to see hurt and destruction provoked by vandals and criminals that take the opportunity of the protest to cause chaos; but to the protest and the reasons behind it I say: “It is about time!”

Next year will mark 30 years of leaving Brazil and living in the USA.  In all these  years I go to Brazil every year and have the opportunity to notice the changes in our economy and way of life.  Also my family lives there, so I know how their lives have improved.  Brazilians now have jobs available, we are eating better, travelling more, have access to everything the First world has (and speaking of First world, Second World, Third World, what is up with that? we are all one world!!!).  We have come a long way, and I see improvements in most areas, but still we are so far from where we could and should be.

Education, healthcare and the justice system needs an immediate overhaul.  Income inequality is another area that needs to be addressed asap.

The past several years I have witnessed a resurgence of “being proud to be Brazilian”.  I credit Lula (former President  Luis Inacio Lula da Silva) for putting Brazil in the world economy map and bringing about change.  I may not agree with everything he has done, and he has had his share of political scandals, but there was decidedly an improvement in the economy in Brazil caused by his presidency.  No single person alone can change a country and please everybody.

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace.” 
― Amelia Earhart

When I speak,  I speak of my experience, I speak of my family’s experience living in the suburbs of Sao Paulo. The experience and lives of people living in other areas of huge Brazil are vastly different.  The truth is, to one degree or another the entire Brazil suffers.

I have been happy with the little improvements in Brazil.  Perhaps that has been Brazil’s problem all along: to be happy with the little that has been offered, never causing any waves, always wanting to please.  When you never had much a little can seem huge! As long as we have our Sunday football, yearly carnival, daily soap operas, we are happy and quiet!

Criminals go impune hiding behind an outdated criminal code (he/she is a minor, it is his/her first offense, and the list to go totally scot free goes on and on and on.  Criminals get arrested today and go free on the same day.  The Brazilian Legal System has become a joke.  Brazilians citizens have lost total faith.

I pray this opportunity for the Powers that Be to take notice and do something about it is not wasted. But honestly I don’t have high hopes.

In Brazil we are so used to things not getting done, not getting resolved, specially with the politicians in Brasilia, that we even coined a term “tudo vai acabar em pizza”, meaning “everything will end up in pizza”.  It means they will talk about it, fight with each other, say they have the people’s best interest at heart, but in the end all stays the same and the politicians, or the people in charge, end up in a bar eating pizza together.

The coming up World Cup is the icing on the corruption cake! Where is all the money going?

I am proud, happy and blessed to be both Brazilian and American. My prayers go to my fellow Brazilians living in Brazil.  May we be noticed and heard!

My truth is I have 2 loves which I cannot say which one I love more.  Brazil is my first love, Brazil is in my blood and in my heart.  US is my day to day, the welcoming open arms, the land of opportunity. Brazil is my biological country, US is my adoptive country!

My heart aches for Brazil, Turkey, Syria, anywhere and everywhere in the world where there is political turmoil and unrest.  May compassion be in the heart of all, may the powerful be kind, may the weak be strong.  May understanding be a bridge to a peaceful destination.

“The day the power of love overrules the love of power, the world will know peace.” 

― Mahatma Gandhi

Stop fooling around and get in bed!!

16 Sunday Jun 2013

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“Sleep, those little slices of death — how I loathe them.” 
― Edgar Allan Poe

There is this strange phenomenon that happens in my apartment every night at around 10/11pm: I start telling myself I should be getting into the shower and getting myself ready to bed; and at the same time I start coming up with many things to do before getting to bed.

It took me awhile to realize I am practicing avoidance.  I am avoiding going to bed. I start watching some show, reading a book, playing a game, paying bills, organizing my purse, making lists of things to do, etc, anything that keeps me from getting to bed.

“Each night, when I go to sleep, I die. And the next morning, when I wake up, I am reborn.” 
― Mahatma Gandhi

Even when going out in the evening and coming in late, many people go straight to bed barely managing to take off the make up or brushing their teeth. No me!  I have to watch some tv or read or play a card game on the computer to unwind.  And then there is the shower, make up to remove, teeth to be brushed, and on and on and on.

Once I am able to talk myself into getting into the shower to get ready to bed, it will take me at least another 30 minutes to get into bed.  It takes me longer to get ready for bed than to get ready to work in the morning.

I think I would be a great subject for a psychiatrist.  Why do I avoid getting in bed?  Once I am in bed I fall sleep right away (which is very different from a year ago when I couldn’t sleep a whole night.  Thank God,  melatonin eventually helped that)

WHY AM I DOING THAT?

1. Do I still miss Ex in my bed and that is why I don’t want to get into an empty bed? Perhaps… but I don’t really think I miss him anymore.  I miss a warm body next to me, somewhere to lay my head and feel safe.

2. Do I think that I will be missing something? Since I live alone there are no housemates to be throwing a party while I am asleep.

3.  Do I feel my day was not productive enough and I am trying to fit a few more things in? Very possible.  I get home from work full of ideas, by the time 10pm rolls around I realize I have not accomplished all I intended to do.  I really dislike the feeling of leaving things unfinished.

4. Do I hate myself and am I punishing myself by depriving myself of sleep?

5.  Do I just lose track of time and there is no really big secret or big explanation about it?

By the time I am finally getting into bed I am not very pleased with myself and I am full of promises to go to bed at a reasonable time the following evening.  And the next evening I am singing the same tune again.

Why am I sabotaging my health? I know how important sleep is!  Then why?

Perhaps is the ADD or ADHD showing one of its many faces. Could this be a symptom?  Since I touched about it in this post: https://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com/2012/07/01/why-run/ I really didn’t do anything about it.

I am not sure what you will take for me to get to bed on time.  Realizing I have a problem and need to change is the first step.  So you all are witnessing my taking the first step! Now what?

Walking the fine line of healthy and unhealthy

13 Thursday Jun 2013

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I just had a Mc Donald’s Filet-o-Fish.  The last time I had one was probably 20 years ago, with the exception being some fish nuggets I had tried in February at the airport in Denver.  A friend was buying an apple pie and I was intrigued by the poster of the fish nuggets.  How bad could it be? It was awful.  I should know better than to become intrigued by an item in the McDonald’s menu.

I am not a fast food eater.  It is not what comes to mind when I am hungry.  I normally cook all my meals, and if like treating myself I normally gravitate towards sugar, like cakes and cookies.

I am also somewhat proud to say that I never had a McDonalds burger.  First it doesn’t look like meat. Second, if I feel like eating a burger, Mcds is the last place I would turn to.

With all that being said, the Filet-o-Fish tasted great.  Perhaps it helped that I was starving. I plan on making my own fish sandwich one of these days.  I think it will taste awesome.  The other day I made fried tilapia for a friend and she said it was the best she ever had.

In Brazil we say: A melhor comida ‘e a fome! (The best food is hunger) Indeed! Indeed!

***

I realize my diet could use some improving.  I eat what I want when I want, and most often I have sugar in some way shape or form on a daily basis (not proud of that fact).  I do happen to love most vegetables so I will have tons of those. But I tend to eat the same ones over and over again.

I have always wanted a juicer.   I figure is a great way to get the nutrients found in some vegetables I rarely eat such as carrots, beets, celery, watercress, aloe vera (is aloe vera a vegetable?).  I know that with juicing I will not get fibers but I don’t worry about that as I eat enough fiber already.

Now that I have my juicer I am having fun coming up with different juices.  Some are easier to stomach than others, but I am making an effort.  I attempted to make the famous green juice and after drinking 2 cups realized why it tasted awful, I had forgotten 2 ingredients: green apple and mint, the 2 that would make it sweeter and easier to drink.  The other day I made an amazing pineapple and mint juice.

I am now in search of recipes that will make me look younger, firm up my skin and make my metabolism speed up, miracle juices so to speak 🙂 Do you know any?

The cons of having a juicer: it takes  a lot of my limited counter space, the cleanup is a pain and I can’t really store juices.

Confession: I already find myself too lazy to use the juicer some times.  But I will persevere.

Gra

A clean and clear conscience?

08 Saturday Jun 2013

Posted by in Daily Life

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Walking home from the train station on Friday I decided to take the long way (one extra block that passes in front of shops and restaurants).  As I am passing, a man sitting on a stoop asks me if I speak Spanish, I said no and continued on.

People often mistake me for Hispanic.  Most people think I am Dominican or Puerto Rican.  Unlike some Brazilians I know, I do not mind or am offended being addressed in Spanish.  The reason I didn’t stop was because the man looked either drunk or on drugs.

After I took a few steps I knew I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t go back and at least found out what he wanted.  So I did.  I had a feeling I knew what he wanted.

I approached and asked him in Spanish what he needed and he asked in perfect English if I had money to give him, I said no, and turned to walk away.

Of course, I couldn’t walk away,  I turned back around and asked him why he needed money.  He said was for food.  I am not sure why at this point I chose to use a lie instead of the truth.  I said: It is against my religion to give money. Well, I guess perhaps it is not such a lie as I do have my personal beliefs and I don’t believe in giving money when I doubt it will be used for what is intended.  I think I lied because I don’t think he was ready to handle the truth.  Also I don’t think anyone can argue with a person’s religion so I guess I expected my belief to be respected.

And it was, he didn’t argue with me.  I offered to buy him a plate of food at any restaurant around.  My neighborhood has all types of cuisine and they are all great, India, Mexican, Peruvian, American, Soul food, but he said he wanted pizza.  I said: Fine, there is a pizza place at the end of the next block.  Let’s go there or I can go and get it for you.

He then said he wanted it later, that he was not hungry at the moment.  I decided not to point out to him that he had just told me a minute ago that he was hungry.  I confirmed with him that he didn’t want food at this point.  He said: later.

I said okay then, if I come by later and you are hungry then I will get you pizza then.  He said: ok.

Now that we seemed to reach an understanding, I walked away guilt free.

Why then I now feel guilty for feeling guilt free?  Why do I have to always feel I should have done more?