Tag Archives: relationships

After the Hurricane

13 Wednesday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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He was a hurricane!

I was going to call him a tsunami, but I dont want to give him too much credit either!

He leaves destruction in his wake.  After him nothing is the same.

How does a hurricane happen? Did I miss the warnings?  Did I think that it was just a little wind? No matter!  All of a sudden it sweeps you up and before you know you are in the middle of it holding on for dear life.

Hurricanes shake you up, often leaving one homeless, powerless, pet-less, faithless.  But the good thing with destruction, if there can be said that there is a good thing, is that  after destruction one gets to rebuild life. After a tragedy one is not the same and cannot stay in the same place.  Among the ashes, among the crumbles, one gets to discover what he/she is really made of.

You end up losing a life you knew.  You lose the you that you thought you were!  There is the before and the after the hurricane.  There is nothing you can do to change “before the hurricane” but “after the hurricane” is yours to mold any way you see fit.

You get to make choices: Where to build, how strong to build, do you want a fence, what color to paint, you get to hurricane proof your house and you any way you wish.  You get to reinvent yourself!

Sure you wish the hurricane had never happened, but you have to learn to accept certain things as acts of Gods, acts of nature or perhaps just life lessons and learning experiences that happen for a reason perhaps later revealed when you are wiser and ready to see it and accept it.

You also have to accept your role in it! Did I do anything to contribute to this?  Was I behaving in a way that made it easier to attract a hurricane?  Did I encourage the hurricane? Could I have in anyway avoided it? Had I become so weak that a simple wind had effect of a hurricane? Only by looking for and accepting my role in the situation will I be able to make sure that the events and patterns do not keep repeating themselves.

The calm after the hurricane is invisible, it is silent, it is scary.  Did I survive it? Did it really end it? Then there is despair and what you make of it! From the depth of despair you find hope and compassion. From the depth of despair you find beauty and freedom.  From the depth of despair you find you!

You have forgiven the hurricane! You have even thanked him for the lessons he taught you! You move on!

If anything you can just pat yourself in the back, beat on your chest and say: I survived a hurricane!

Well, perhaps my t-shirt is not ready to say: “I survived a hurricane!” Perhaps it can only say: “Finding ways to rebuild!”

June 12 – Dia dos Namorados!

12 Tuesday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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Dia dos Namorados is a sort of Valentine’s Day in Brazil. Lover’s Day, literally translated as Boyfriend/Girlfriend’s Day. It is celebrated by all couples married or otherwise.

Even after living in the US for so long I still like to celebrate it. If I am in a relationship it is an extra excuse for an extra nice date (not that excuses should be necessary)

If I am not in a relationship then that it just another occasion to be reminded that I am partner-less in a world that seems geared to couples.

Please wait, continue reading, this is not going to be a pity party, poor me blog!

After such a dark painful day yesterday, today seems bright and full of possibilities!(I am in love with that word after reading Frank’s post called “Opportunities Abound!”- a small post in length, but huge in meaning! http://frankoshanko.wordpress.com/ )

Remember my First and Only e-Harmony date?  Remember how I said he couldn’t be more of a gentleman?  Well, well, he really impressed me now.

I am sitting at my desk when in walks the UPS delivery guy with a box from 1-800-Flowers.  I am so used to not getting flowers, that I would not sign until I checked the name on the package.  I thought it was for the office next door.  I was shocked to read my name.

Did I think it was from Ex? for a brief milisecond. But it could never be him. He never sent  me flowers at work and he doesn’t think that he did anything wrong that perhaps would warrant flowers. He also wouldn’t remember the date. (Plus, remember that on February 14 he made a point of telling me that he was not going to even give me a card because he didn’t want to send me the wrong message)

Did I think it was the e-Harmony date?  no, not in a million years no. After all, he doesn’t have my address. Well, apparently he paid attention to every single word I said during the date and also asked the right questions that enabled him to piece together my address (I guess a google search may have helped too)

He sent me a dozen beautiful roses (red, pink, yellow and white) in a beautiful pink vase with a note that said: Feliz Dia dos Namorados!

It made my day! It is nice to feel special and thought of in such a nice way! It is great to be surprised and to realize that there is at least one person out there that is thinking of me.

But of course, I cannot just enjoy the flowers and relish the moment. Now I worry if his flowers are just a friendly gesture or if there is a little more meaning to it.

I do not want to break anybody’s heart! I know the pain! but I also made clear after the date that I would love to be just friends.

Should I bring up the subject and clarify it again? I also don’t want to offend him. Or should I just say thank you?

One more step towards freedom, liberty and the pursuit of happiness

11 Monday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

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I am happy because I choose to be happy.  It is a daily choice! Sometimes is a daily struggle.

Today is a struggle!

Since moving out of Ex’s house he has been calling, e-mailing and texting, mostly to say hello or something trivial,  but sometimes also adding that he is thinking of me, missing me and loving me.

Do I believe that? No! If he loved me I would still be there.

I have been trying to remain friendly as I do not believe in harboring resentments and being angry and enemies with anybody. But it is not working.

Every time he gets in touch it hurts me, it is a constant reminder that I still have feelings for him.  It reminds me that I still don’t know the reason why it ended.

Also at least once a week he used to invite me to dinner.  I have asked him to stop inviting me to dinner, which he obliged.

I have not asked him to stop getting in touch with me because we have one financial deal that will end in July and I didn’t want to make waves until then.

That was until now!  I cannot take it anymore.

I don’t care if I lose money anymore! I want my sanity! Just 5 minutes ago I called him and asked him to stop contacting me and only get in touch in July.

This afternoon he had sent me a picture of him wearing a shirt that we got on our vacation in Thailand saying he was thinking of me.  I completely fell apart.  He also mentioned looking at our skiing trip’s pictures.  I remember those trips,and many others,  the happiness, and how we seemed so perfect together.

I asked him to stop playing with my heart, stop playing games, stop getting in touch with me.  It infuriates me that he seemed shocked by my reaction, he seemed hurt and confused by my wanting to forget him.

It kills that he thinks that is perfectly normal to be dating someone (he confirmed he is dating someone, not the same person that he was dating at the time we broke up, he already moved on from that one or perhaps she wised up quickly) and still be calling me and saying he loves and misses me.  How can he not see how much that hurts me?

How can he think that that is normal? It is amazing his ability to make me feel like I am the one that is not being reasonable.

For the record he has maintained that we cannot be together because he has to concentrate on all his businesses and volunteer work and cannot be the boyfriend/partner I need him to be.  He says some of his businesses are in jeopardy and he cannot protect me. Bunch of bs as far as I am concerned. Disingenuous at best.

So I was lying in bed crying and realized that that was not helpful so now I am sitting and crying- lol

I cannot wait for the day that I will look back and laugh at all this!

I am trying to look at the good side, I am trying to find the good side. I am happy I took a stand and right now don’t care if I ever hear from him again (I so want to believe those words!). I guess deep down inside perhaps I still had hopes. I never thought I would say this, but, sometimes hope can be a dangerous thing!

Relationship Smarts?

24 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Disclaimer:  I happen to be a woman that has relationships with men. So when I write I write from that view point. I know that some fellow bloggers will be tempted to point out to me that women can be users too.  For the record: I understand and agree!

***

Are we ever smart enough not to be fooled by a man?  Are we ever aware enough not to confuse lust with love?

My verdict? No, never! No one is immune to a charming man.  No one is ever immune to the right words at the right time. No one is immune to physical chemistry, to that combination of want and need.

I know this woman, not really a friend, friend of a friend type of thing.  This woman is light years ahead of us mere mortals, as someone once described her.  She is a master at yoga, has read all the great books by great authors, has taken countless workshops, retreats, etc.  She has dedicated her life to the pursuit of knowing herself, body and mind.

I would think she would be able to spot a poser, a fake, from miles away, wouldn’t you? Not only she didn’t, she fell for it, hook, line and sinker!!

She called him: “The best choice I ever made”.  She wrote him notes proclaiming her love for him and “all his body parts”, thanking him for “amazing days together”.   And she started making plans for the future.

Fast forward a couple of months and guess what? She realized she had been deceived!  He is no longer her best choice, probably one of her worst.  As for loving all his body parts, she probably now has different ideas of what to do with them.

Moral of the story? No one is immune! If this woman fell for it, what are my chances?  If somebody so smart didn’t see the writing on the wall how can I, simple me, barely crawling on the road to self discovery have any chance?

I am not putting down this woman and all her knowledge, in fact I strive to have similar knowledge.

Perhaps because of the knowledge she has of herself and others she was able to figure him out within months, not years.  Some of us would be still there trying to make this relationship work.  For some of us it would have taken years of delusion, deception, pain and suffering.

I am really trying to be open to, not only to new romantic relationships, but to new friendships and new adventures, to the joy of having new people come into my life; but I am also trying to protect myself from needless pain. So I have to have my guard up, and at the same time not let the fear of getting hurt cripple me. It is a balance oftentimes hard to achieve.

I hope I will be able to pay more attention to the actions and not only to the words.   I hope I will not be blinded by appearances, and instead see the core.  As far as lust and love I am still trying to figure those out.  How do I distinguish between those two? Those are two equally great feeling in their own right.

This is what I have been doing in an effort to minimize my exposure to some of the men out there that don’t have the best intentions:

1)      I pray!  No shame in asking for help from above (or within).  I believe in the power of prayer.  So I pray to God to put good people in my path. I pray that when I encounter people not so great (we need them to learn and grow) that I can learn the lesson quickly and move on.

2)      I try to be the best person I can be!  I believe what I send out in the Universe comes back to me twofold, so if I am good, honest, generous, fun, etc, people that are similar and hold similar values will gravitate towards me.  I am becoming the person that I would like to hang out with.

3)      I am treating myself kindly!  I am being extra nice to myself. I am buying myself flowers, treating myself to nice dinners.  I am allowing myself to take naps.  When I make a mistake I don’t get mad with myself, I forgive myself quickly and move on.   I am paying attention to myself.  I am romancing myself.  That way I am not so needy and starved for attention that I will fall for anyone just because they are showing me attention and being caring.

4)      I am enjoying being single!  I am having fun.  Looking for a partner is no longer a priority. When and if he comes I will welcome him with open arms and we will have fun together, but in the meantime I am enjoying myself.  Being single and free has its perks.  No one to explain or justify anything.  I work each day on finding new joys in single-hood.

Are you able to pick the good ones from the bad ones? Are you able to distinguish between love and lust?

 

So far e-Harmony sucks!!!

14 Monday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating

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I joined e-Harmony last month in an effort to move on. I have to be honest and say that I am not expecting to find the love of my life there, but if I did would be amazing!

I am expecting and hoping to find some good dates, friends, entertainment, something to keep my mind off of you know who.

But so far, it has been a disappointment.

Perhaps I just think too highly of myself.  I thought that I would put up my profile on e-Harmony and men would just be all over it.  I thought I was going to have to hire someone to just deal with all the dates. ok, ok, I am just kidding, but I did think I would have several suitors.

I was in for a rude awakening! I have been contacted by a total of 5 men.

One we e-mail every now and then and will eventually meet, but I am not having any expectations, as it is he is very busy and meeting other women.

Another 2 we are still on the initial questions and answers stage – and they are taking way too long to get that done, so it seems they are not that interested, which begs the question, why contact me then?

Finally there were 2 that seemed promising. After the initial back and forth questions/answers stage we graduated to e-mails.  They both sent me long e-mails with a lot of information on them, which I took as a good sign.  They seemed thought and honest and genuinely interested.  After all, who is going to send you long e-mails with lots of information if they are not interested?

So after I replied and we exchanged a couple of more e-mails they both came and said, and I am copying and pasting their replies:

Guy #1: “Sorry for the delayed response.  I had some traveling to do, but more importantly, I met someone on eH and we have decided to be exclusive as opposed to continue dating people.  Personally, I am also more of a one girl dating kind of guy and not dating many simultaneously… so I can keep my mind clutter free :)”

Guy #2: “Like I said, I’m big on open and honest dialogue and to be fair to you, I’ve just started dating someone seriously and thus it wouldn’t be fair to you or I for us to continue communicating right now. I wish you nothing but continued success in both life and in finding your life partner. Who knows, maybe our paths will cross again some day. Take care. ”

Why contact me to begin with if they were already seeing someone?  I don’t get it.

Perhaps it is me!

Perhaps I need to take professional photos.  I have pictures that show me as I am natural and doing stuff I enjoy, skiing, traveling.  I figure men would appreciate the real me, but I guess not. Perhaps I need to have some glamour pictures done, with hair and face completely done for a night out on the town.

I know it has been only 1 month but I feel totally discouraged and will probably not continue with e-Harmony after the 3 months that I signed up for are finished (I checked, I cannot discontinue now).

Perhaps the best thing to do is forget about that for awhile and continue just focusing on me. And on finding single girlfriends that are not too busy to go out.

If it is meant to be, love will find me.

Plus I believe in Divine Timing.  When the time is right it will happen.

Any advice?

When you think you have a friend …

07 Monday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life

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So I have this married ex-client that sends me instant messages throughout the day.  He made me believe (perhaps I am) that I am somewhat inspirational to him with all my positive thinking and talking. And I enjoyed this motivational role, because the truth whatever I tell him is exactly what I need to hear.

4 years ago we used to communicate, via instant messaging, before (4 years or more ago) our conversations got a little racy. My rationale was: I am single and not doing anything wrong, and this is just words.  And it was, never met this person in person.

Now I am single again and still don’t think I would be doing anything wrong, but as I age and mature I have started to ask why more often.  So why would I choose to embark in that kind of conversation with him? I cannot see any good coming out of it.

What is the point? I know I have a fertile imagination and know the right words to say to a man, but what will be my reward?  Or better yet, will I feel proud of myself.  NO, a big resounding no!

Which brings me to right now.  He just sent me a question, which he prefaced by writing: hey a quick “over the line question”    and preceded to ask the question. (which is: do I know what a rabbit is and do I own one)

Well, it has been 10 minutes since he asked and I am proud to say that impulsive me hasn’t replied yet.

I am considering my reply options:

Do I just block him from future contact?

Do I tell him that I am not going there? Which by the day I have done many times before, and that he seems to forget.

Do I ignore it completely and only reply if he comes up with other type of conversation?

Here is what I ended up saying:

“not going there and I have told you before”

Oh my Gosh, he is slow, here is his reply:

“I know you have a toy was asking specifically about the rabbit”

I guess I didn’t make myself clear on what I told him before (that I don’t want that kind of talk).  Who knows what I have told him 4 years ago.  I guess there is not a lot happening in his life that he still remembers those conversations.

So I said:

I have told you before that I am not going to have those conversations!!!!!!!

His reply:

OK OK relax…..it was not meant as a bad thing don’t take it that way

 My reply:

I am sorry, I guess it is not a good day for me to relax. I said I am not going there and you keep going there, so perhaps is best not to talk.

After 1 hour he replied:

    Im sorry you feel that way
have a good day

And with that he logged off.

And that is that. When you think you have a friend that is able to look beyond male and female sexual tensions and focus on the relationship and the healthy exchange of words, you get a wakeup call reminding you that most (notice I didn’t say all) men just have one thing in their minds.

Good riddance!  I don’t need to think I have a friend when all I have is a guy that is trying to get into my pants or at least into my erotic mind.

***

I am not a prude, but I decided long ago not to play with anything that is not mine. I wouldn’t want anyone having spicy conversations with my boyfriend (if I had one)

 

“She likes it!”

30 Monday Apr 2012

Posted by in EX Files, Finding Me

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Today Ex came over to show his mom my new place and to go out to dinner.

I had mixed feelings.  I love Mom and really wanted her to see my place, but I question seeing Ex often and its effect on me.

Since I had the confirmation of yet another woman in his life and how he is already celebrating anniversaries with her, because as he told me: “She likes it”.  With those 3 little words, he killed all the respect that I have ever had for him.  It was like I was punched in the stomach.  Since then, I have been putting all my efforts into forgetting I have ever loved him as a partner.  I am, for the sake of everyone, including me and the moms, trying to love him as a friend.

So, he came over, I showed mom my apartment and we went to dinner at Sweet Potatoes in New Rochelle, NY.  I will post the review on a following post.

On meeting him I made sure to avoid his lips and gave him a peck on the cheek and a quick hug.  I am sure he was a little taken aback by my not giving him a kiss on the lips and a tight hug.

We went to dinner and enjoyed very much and had pleasant talk about a variety of subjects.  Then we returned to my apartment and he attempted to help my put together my sound system.

He got some part working, and I was grateful for that, then they got ready to leave. Mom and I hugged and kissed and it was his turn and I tried avoiding his lips and tight hug, but his lips touched mine.

Still not sure how I feel about that kiss. Actually I know, I felt nothing. I think the spell is broken and I will be able to move on.  I am glad that my resolve to not have any romantic or sexual contact with him continues and continues very strong.

Every time I feel my resolve weaken I think of those 3 little words: “She likes it”.