oh Pleeease!!! Your love is worthless

03 Thursday May 2012

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so Ex has sent me a couple of texts, saying that I looked sexy last time he saw me and trying to invite himself over, to which I told him the truth, which he doesn’t really deserve, but telling the truth is how I choose to live, here is my e-mail reply:

“I am hurting (well, you know that), still crying over the loss of “us” every single day

 I looked the other way so many times, with D. I pretended it was not happening, but celebrating anniversaries with M. was just the nail on my coffin

 I can’t understand what have I done to deserve this from you

 Right now praying every day to preserve our friendship and the love that I still feel for you and that you never had for me”

Here is his reply:

“I love you very much

 Always have, always will

 I know that we reached a point that I was unable to be the person you wanted me to be

 Perhaps at some point I may be able to

 You can and do think a lot of things, but never think that you are not loved and though about every single day of my life, many times”

Can you believe this reply?  I guess that worst than a person lying to others is a person that lies to himself. Is either that or he is a total psychopath.

So I am not even bothering replying anything at this point, because, obviously he wouldn’t know truth and honesty if came up and bit him in the face, but let me just point out the obvious on his reply:

He says he loves me very much.  Words are cheap and easy.  His actions do not demonstrate that.

He says that he was not the person I wanted him to be. Amazing how he turns it around like I was the one unhappy one and the one with problems. But I guess in a way he is right, I wanted a man I could trust.  I wanted an honest man, that would be faithful, and that would think that I alone was good enough for him. I wanted a man that could keep it in his pants.

He says: perhaps at some point I will be able to (be the person I want him to be).  Sorry that ship has sailed.  After trying, trying and trying some more, I had to face the truth that he just doesn’t want me. But it is really clever how he tries to keep me going with promises of a future. How he keeps dangling the carrot in front of me.  Sorry, that carrot is no longer appealing.

He says: that I can think of many things except that I am not loved and thought about daily.  Funny freaking way of showing his love.  Lets count the ways: 1)by having all sorts of women coming to the house, 2)taking all sorts of women on dates, 3)by lying to my face many times, including saying that he wanted to be alone to focus on his business and children, 4)by saying that he was not doing anything for me, with me on Valentine’s Day because he didn’t want to send me the wrong message, 5)celebrating anniversaries with at least 1 woman, yep on the 22nd of May it will be 2 happy months with M., and so many other ways the loves and thinks of me daily, but I will not bore you with anymore details.

YES, HE REALLY LOVES ME!!!

please remind me: why am still trying to preserve a friendship with him??

Do I look for love or do I let it find me?

03 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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This is the question that I have been pondering over lately.

Do I active seek love or just go about my business and let it find me?

And when I say “love” I mean soul mate, my partner for life, I don’t mean just a date or a roll in the hay.

Because the truth is, I don’t need a boyfriend, but I want one. I do plenty of stuff alone and I adore my own company.  But there are a lot moments where it would be could to have a partner.

I am already happy, so I don’t need someone to make me happy.  I want someone to share my happiness.

Getting back to love finding me, it should be pretty easy, one would think, since I have been blessed with a star on my forehead.  But what I realize that only the special someone will see the star and find me.

Now the question is: Where is he?

Did he give up looking for me and married somebody else?

I thought I had found him, but the truth is I wanted him so much that I made him up. Ex was so charming that I figure this is it.

So, right now I am on e-Harmony. But sometimes it just smells of desperation, of offering myself.

I like to think that I am being pro-active, like they say about the Lottery, you have to be in it to win it, so I guess this is my way of being in it!.

So are you actively pursuing love or are you waiting until it finds you?

I am not voting for you!

02 Wednesday May 2012

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As I am walking on the train platform waiting for my train to come to work in NY, this man approaches me, hands me a card and says:

I am running for Congress.

That is fine, until he added: beautiful lady!  Well I love a compliment but this didn’t feel like one.

The way he said it and looked at me it just made me feel uneasy.

Now I am not a prude and I enjoy harmless flirting, but this rubbed me so wrong.

I can’t imagine this man in Congress.

He is either a creep trying to get women or perhaps just dumb, at either case he should not be in Congress.

I do expect a lot from out politicians and people in power.  I expect they set an example.  I cannot believe that everyone already forgot about Clinton and how he is welcomed and cherished.  Does anyone remember what he did? And I am sure we don’t know the full extent of it. 

ok, ok, he is only human, some may say. I do agree people are allowed to make mistakes, but it seems that we just forgiving him for being a man, a man in power.  I guess it has come to be expected that is what they do.

What about John Edwards? Did his wife deserve that? She deserve honesty, as any person in a relationship.  If he is willing to betray the person that is standing by him, carrying his children, doing everything for me, what is he willing to do to the American people?

Am I perfect? no, but one thing I try to do is deal in honesty.  It just so much easier!

Why is free so attractive?

01 Tuesday May 2012

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Every now and then there are people standing outside Grand Central Station (NY) handing out free samples of things such as headache medication, juices, etc.

I, like most people, just take it and later I will decide it if I want it or need it. What if I pass it up and it turns out it is something great.

R, one of my co-workers once mentioned he never takes anything that is being hand out.  He said: “if terrorists really wanted to get to us all they needed to do was stand outside Grand Central and hand out poison and we would willingly take it”.

He has a point, but still it hasn’t stopped me from grabbing whatever they give out.

This morning it was Emmi Swiss yogurt and Ricola cherry cough drops. I have been into Greek yogurt lately so I am not sure Swiss yogurt is for me, specially since the flavor they gave me was Green Apple.  If I ever try it I will let you know.

What about you?  Are you excited to get free stuff?

Exes are like old clothes!

30 Monday Apr 2012

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Exes are like old clothes that no longer fits us.

You know it does not fit you. Perhaps it is old and ripped, perhaps it is too small or hopefully too large, perhaps it is a style that it will never come back again.  Whatever the reason maybe, there is a reason why those articles of clothing have been put aside and rarely looked at it.

It takes space in your closet and it is a constant reminder of some other time.  And every now and then, perhaps when you are about to actually donate or put it in trash, you get nostalgic and think of all the emotional attachment, how you were that on your 30th birthday, or you bought it in Thailand and therefore irreplaceable, or how you got a compliment when you were it.

Whatever the reason may be you once again put it on, only to confirm that it looks awful, feels awful, or perhaps after you use you get a rash from the cheap material.  There is nothing good about it.  So are you going to get rid of it or put it back in the closet to revisit it at some point?

That is exactly what I was doing with Ex.  Revisiting it time and time again.  Thanks Heavens and the Universe that I woke up and realize that no good can come from going back there.

The truth is deep down inside I still thought and hoped that it would work.  I was willing to forget and forgive everything, thinking that love conquers all.

Love conquers all when there is love.  Lust doesn’t conquer all.  Lust gives you great moments, but that is it!

So glad, so relieved, so thankful that I no longer have hopes that there is a future for Ex and I.  So grateful that now I can look at him and think he will be a friend (if he is lucky), but that is it!

That realization is priceless.  It is a huge stumbling block being lifted from my path.

So, forget about old clothes, donate, sell, give it away.  Make space for new and better clothes.  You are not the same person anymore.  You are better and deserve better!

Don’t get stuck in the past!! Move on!!

Are you stuck in repeating patterns?  Are you stuck in the past, still refusing to give up?

Shuttle Enterprise lands in NY

30 Monday Apr 2012

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As I may have mentioned, or not, my mom spent almost 1 month with me in NY.  She went back to Brazil on April 27, 2012. I took her to the airport around 7pm.  Her flight was scheduled for 10:30pm, but, having had missed flights before due to traffic problems, we leave home with plenty of time.

So we approached JFK at 7:10pm and  we were all surprised to see the Shuttle Enterprise just sitting there on one of the hangars. I almost missed it, if it were not for the driver pointing it out to me. (Yeah I really need to work on my being in the moment and paying attention to my surroundings)

It was sitting piggyback on a jumbo jet. It seemed smaller than one would expect, but I guess it is because I was riding in car looking out of the window.

After being in JFK for awhile, the shuttle will be moved permanently to Intrepid, Sea, Air and Space Museum in New York City

Review Restaurant Sweet Potatoes (4 1/2 stars)

30 Monday Apr 2012

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So finally I was able to go to Sweet Potatoes, located in New Rochelle, NY.

We (Ex, his mom and I) got there around 5:30. The place is tiny with only 4 tables.  We were lucky that there was 1 table empty. The table needed to be cleared, but we went ahead and sat.  The waitress came and changed the tablecloth. I joked with the mom that I needed my iron because the tablecloth was so wrinkled.

But anyway, that is a minor detail, the important is food and service.

I ordered the fried chicken with collard greens and steak fries.  Ex ordered the fried catfish and sweet potatoes fries. Mom ordered friend shrimp with macaroni and cheese and candied yams.

We were pleasantly surprised that we were served a delicious green salad with a delicious dressing.  We were even more pleasantly surprised when after the salad we were served some yellow rice with 1 fried shrimp, 1 crab cake and some chicken strips as appetizers.

The entrees came and were huge and I have to say delicious. If I were to complain about something it would be that I wish that after frying the friend stuff that they would lay the food on paper towel  to soak up some of the oil first.  Ex pointed out that perhaps they did.

We brought 3 desserts home, peach cobbler, apple cobbler and sweet potato pie. I haven’t tried any of those yet.  Honestly those types of desserts normally don’t do anything for me.

The owner of the restaurant took us 3 doors down where he took over the space where used to be a barbershop and made it a lounge/restaurant. It is beautiful and cozy.

If you ever have a chance to visit Sweets Potatoes, you will not regret it. I give it 4 and a half stars (out of 5)

“She likes it!”

30 Monday Apr 2012

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Today Ex came over to show his mom my new place and to go out to dinner.

I had mixed feelings.  I love Mom and really wanted her to see my place, but I question seeing Ex often and its effect on me.

Since I had the confirmation of yet another woman in his life and how he is already celebrating anniversaries with her, because as he told me: “She likes it”.  With those 3 little words, he killed all the respect that I have ever had for him.  It was like I was punched in the stomach.  Since then, I have been putting all my efforts into forgetting I have ever loved him as a partner.  I am, for the sake of everyone, including me and the moms, trying to love him as a friend.

So, he came over, I showed mom my apartment and we went to dinner at Sweet Potatoes in New Rochelle, NY.  I will post the review on a following post.

On meeting him I made sure to avoid his lips and gave him a peck on the cheek and a quick hug.  I am sure he was a little taken aback by my not giving him a kiss on the lips and a tight hug.

We went to dinner and enjoyed very much and had pleasant talk about a variety of subjects.  Then we returned to my apartment and he attempted to help my put together my sound system.

He got some part working, and I was grateful for that, then they got ready to leave. Mom and I hugged and kissed and it was his turn and I tried avoiding his lips and tight hug, but his lips touched mine.

Still not sure how I feel about that kiss. Actually I know, I felt nothing. I think the spell is broken and I will be able to move on.  I am glad that my resolve to not have any romantic or sexual contact with him continues and continues very strong.

Every time I feel my resolve weaken I think of those 3 little words: “She likes it”.

My first Pilates session

29 Sunday Apr 2012

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As I tackle items on my “To do list of self improvement”, that I mentioned in a list on my other blog “http://listuniverse.wordpress.com/”, I will be reporting my progress on working on that list right here.

So today I had my first Pilates session.  I feel great.  First for having tackled one item on my list and second for the overall benefit of doing something for my body.

Some of the positions and exercises were a little hard and at times even painful, but it was a good type of pain. The pain of my body being challenged.

G., the instructor is a woman originally from the Dominican Republic that has been teaching for 10 years.  She was great.  Her English was somewhat limited, but it didn’t seem important at all.

I think that she rents space in a house, because I met her at a house that it was clearly she didn’t live there.  You could hear the kids and the other sounds of a household going about on a Sunday morning.

I guess if I were to have one complain it would be that: the noises around us.  But I am not complaining.

The first step on anything is really the hardest, but I also believe that the next phase maintaining and keeping up with some project is probably even harder.

So I bought 10 sessions of Pilates because it will force me to continue with it at least for another 9 sessions.

I realize it is a monetary investment as well because it is not cheap, so I plan on being fully present for each sessions (not let my mind wonder), as well as stretching and attempting some exercises at home also.

What about you, did you ever take a Pilates session?

How about improving yourself, what steps are you taking?

Do every man cheat???

29 Sunday Apr 2012

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I hate to seem bitter and I hate to lose faith in mankind, but I am beginning to think that every man at some point in their lives will cheat.

I just don’t get it!  Why can’t they keep it their pants?  Do they need so much validation that they need to be charming another women?  

Often times the person they choose to betray doesn’t compare to the one they have at home.  I guess, as they say, the grass is always greener on the other side.

I never even thought of looking at another guy.  I was perfectly happy to make love to Ex the rest of my life, and I thought he felt the same way.  At least that is how I took the tears in his eyes when we made love in the beginning.  Yes, it is true, the first few times we made love he cried and I cried, because the connection was so intense. Do have a man cry for you while having sex is just beyond amazing, it made me feel even more certain that he was the one, my Prince Charming. And even now after I moved out, when we made love (and he refuse to call it sex), the way he held me tight just felt incredibly honest.

Women are fools!

At any rate, trying my best, as I tiptoe in E-harmony, to not change myself, to continue to believe that my Prince Charming is out there, to continue to believe in love and fairy tales.

Do you believe in fairy tales?  Do you have your Prince Charming or are you still looking for him?