Category Archives: Food

Mentally refreshed, physically exhausted and seeing everything with new eyes!

26 Thursday Apr 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” – Marcel Proust

My plan for this trip to Brazil was to just relax, read and spend time with family.  I go to Brazil at least twice a year, so it has become a routine.  When things become a routine we no longer give the proper appreciation or care to it.  I am blessed to be able to go see my family twice a year.  I know so many people that haven’t seen their parents in years.

Noticing I was becoming blase about it I decided a change of attitude was needed.  I decided to not see it as routine but as a brand new blessing.  I came across that Marcel Proust quote above and sent it to a friend that I knew would appreciate it and support me on this new attitude.

Armed with my new attitude I get to the airport and come face to face with this writing on the wall (in the picture below) at my departing gate.  It seems even the airport is trying to open and refresh my eyes.  Indeed the message is: new eyes, new way to see things.

At the gate for my flight to Brazil

I am not sure I have been 100% successful in seeing Brazil with new eyes. I am a firm believer that recognizing that change is needed and working towards it is in itself a success. The key is moving forward towards your intended goal, the speed at which you do it is less important.

With new resolve and resolution one needs to be constantly reminded to make sure not to fall back into old patterns, views and actions.  Every morning I greet the world with gratitude and I tell myself: It is a brand new day, full of brand new blessings, go out and find and see them!

How about we all start looking at everything with new eyes? How about we don’t assume we already know the outcome of something even if we have performed it 100 times before?  Let’s be in the moment and allow every new moment to surprise us! 

Let’s look at people with new eyes and give them a chance to reintroduce themselves. I am not the person I was yesterday, why do I assume others are still the same?

“Every now and then a man’s mind is stretched by a new idea or sensation, and never shrinks back to its former dimensions.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

I spent time with my family but there was no reading or resting.  My brother is moving to a house in the back of my mother’s house. I spent every waking hour helping him get that house cleared up and ready to move in.  That little house had become storage space for anything that was no longer wanted.

At the end of the day I was so physically exhausted that I couldn’t think about doing anything other than going to sleep.  For the first time ever I didn’t log into work.  I didn’t check the bank for payments.  I didn’t check emails for customer’s requests.

This is also the first time that I have been told that I look refreshed and happier after returning from a trip. I do love manual labor, the dirtier and messier something is the more I enjoy cleaning.  I let my mind go and focus on the labor at hand.  It is totally cathartic to me.

“Be willing to be a beginner every single morning.”  – Meister Eckart

And here is an odd thing: I didn’t have hives a single time in Brazil. I have had them every day since I have returned.  In Brazil I didn’t follow the gluten free diet I had been trying to follow. I ate whatever I wanted. Does that mean that the hives is not related to what I am eating?  Is it pollution, something at work,  something in my apartment, perhaps it is a combination of factors?  I am continuing to write down all I eat in an effort to pinpoint the culprit.  I do know that stress is a major contributing factor.

My brother’s move is a great thing. My parents are older so they need more assistance and is a great relief to have him near them.

I am blessed to still have my parents. My dad is 80 and still going strong after battling cancer.  He lost a leg to it but he is now stronger than ever.  My mom is turning 83 and even after battling depression and other issues stemming from a mild stroke she is doing amazing.  She doesn’t look anywhere near her age.

As usual every time I go to Brazil my mother returns with me and stays for a couple of weeks.  For her birthday on May 1st we will be spending a couple of days at Foxwoods Casino in CT.  Mom being here means eating, gambling and shopping, but I am trying to pace myself.  Here is to a next several days of celebration and fun!!

“Life is nothing to be very serious about. Life is a ball in your hands to play with. Don’t hold on to the ball.”- Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

***

 

Don’t try to make sense, just dance!

19 Friday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me, Food, Poetry

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“Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion.” -Rumi

Last night I saw anxiety creeping in. Yes I actually saw it. I looked in the mirror and the face looking back at me was not the usual smiling face with bright shiny eyes. This face had dead sad eyes and the lips were just there, unmovable walls. Looking in the mirror only made the dark feelings intensify.

Nothing made sense.  Nothing felt right. I was alone. I was weak.

I knew that if I gave into those feelings I would soon be crying and feeling totally powerless and beaten. Crying is definitely okay in my book but when I have a reason for it. Crying out of pity for myself is not productive, it is not what I do, it is not who I am.

I felt hungry as if I hadn’t eaten in days. I wanted to head to the fridge and stuff my face in something sweet. I wanted to drown the sad feelings in a tub of ice cream. I wanted chocolate cookies to prevent my tears from falling. I wanted my best friend Sugar to assure me that I was going to be okay.

The problem with my friend Sugar is that it is such a sneaky weasel. It takes me to amazing high levels of euphoria and then, not too long after it has me crashing down. That is a roller coaster that tonight I refuse to get on.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”  – Rumi

I am smarter than that. I know this is not a physical hunger, after all I just had a great dinner of brown rice, vegetables and chicken. I even had a tiny piece of cheesecake for dessert. This is my being crying out for attention. This was my body trying to make my insides feel better by giving in to outsides urges.

Sugar is my drug of choice. For you it may be something else, alcohol, shopping, etc, Whatever it is, when used in this way it is not a friend, it is an enemy.

I knew exactly what prompted the feelings I was having. It all started 30 minutes before.

“You were born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?”  – Rumi

Around 8:30pm I called P. He calls every night and last night I decided I should call for a change and to let him know that I do think of him. The call went straight to voice mail. Immediately I felt like I was punched on the stomach. How dare he not answer the phone and worse, why it is off.  It didn’t feel right. Immediately my delusional self starting conjuring up all kinds of thoughts.

That was on top of having gone this entire week without scheduling a date. We talked about meeting Saturday night and/or Sunday, and even me possibly going to his house, but there is nothing definite.  And of also realizing that he is still on the dating app.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi

The woman in me that got cheated on over 5 years ago came back full force and started connecting the invisible dots and creating stories. I vow not to be made a fool ever again.  I thought he was probably on a date and turned the phone off not to be disturbed. Not only was he on a date but he would probably start liking her better than he likes me. Soon this blossoming relationship would shrivel up and die.

The reality is that we have known each other for less than a month and have gone on 4 dates only. Even though we both feel this is different, we really have no clue. I realize that relationships need to marinated, need be tended to, need to have air to breath.

There is nothing really happening. We are both free to date other people. I like to say that competition is welcomed.  It only makes me look better.

I don’t believe that every guy will cheat on me. I also believe that there is a guy for me out there and I am not sure it is him. I am also not sure it is not him yet.

“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.”  – Rumi

Where is this delusional, insecure, paranoid, jealous woman coming from?

Then it hits me:

PMS

I am glad I keep track of it.  I look at the app in my phone and there it is.  I am in the middle of PM.  I know these feeling are momentary and not based in reality. I know they will pass.  All I have to do is be okay with feeling uncomfortable and sad for a moment.

The feeling of doom. The feeling that the world is coming to an end. The paralysis. That is what PMS feels like to me. I even warn people about it, as I know I can be a little out of my mind at that time.

So it is just you, PMS, old frenemy! You don’t own me! You can mess up my hormones every now and then, but I will show you who the boss is!

“Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.”  – Rumi

So I did the only thing I could think to do:

I DANCED!

I put some loud music on and I danced. I danced like no one was watching and no one really was. If they were they would probably want to join in as I was having so much fun. I danced as if I wanted the dance moves to shake the fears and anxiety away from my body.

I danced with my soul.  It was a freedom, gratitude, euphoria, wanting to live and love dance!!

IT WORKED!

I felt instantly better. I felt alive! I felt energized! I felt grounded and centered! Life returned to my eyes, the smile to my lips. As in a miracle, the dark cloud lifted.

To continue on my good mood trajectory, I started thinking of all the blessings I have in my life. The list is so huge and amazing,  it is impossible to be sad or down when confronted with that knowledge.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

At 9:44pm he texted me to say sorry. He said he had fallen asleep without saying good night. He said he had laid down for a minute and didn’t wake up until now.
I said that I thought he was out and about and had the phone off not to be bothered. He said the battery had died on his phone.

Do I believe him? I don’t know! At this point I don’t care. There is nothing going on. We are getting to know each other. So I am keeping an open mind and will trust until I have a reason not to. I will also not create problems and be overly dramatic or clingy.

The odd thing is that getting his text didn’t make me feel happy or relieved.  It was indifferent.  Proving to me that at the end of the day, we are in charge of our emotions and well-being.  No one can make you feel better or worse, loved or unloved.  Only you have that power.  The sooner we realize that the happier we become.

“Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” – Rumi

This is the first time I use dance as a coping mechanism, as a pacifier and medication.  I normally go to gratitude and prayer.

May I offer everyone that suggestion?  Next time you are down, how about you get up and dance.  While dancing you can make mental lists of all blessings and say a prayer thanking for all of those blessings.

***

The dancing reminded me of one of my favorite poets and scholar: Rumi. His poems and teachings really resonate with me. They touch my inner being. They make life make sense to me. They make me want to love with abandon.

“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.”

With Rumi in my mind I peppered this post with his quotes and I offer everyone this poem. I hope that everyone at some point in their lives get to love with abandon.

“I want to see you.

Know your voice.

Recognize you when you
first come ’round the corner.

Sense your scent when I come
into a room you’ve just left.

Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.

Become familiar with the way
you purse your lips
then let them part,
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.

I want to know the joy
of how you whisper
“more”
Rumi

 

Can beggars be choosers?

11 Thursday Jan 2018

Posted by in Daily Life, Food

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You probably heard the saying “Beggars can’t be choosers”, but can they?

This morning as I exited the train and was walking through the lower level of Grand Central Station I noticed that there was a man next to the ordering line at Zaro’s Bakery.  It seemed he was asking people in line for something.  I assumed he was asking for food.

I will stop dead in my tracks if I see someone that I think is hungry.

I approached cautiously as nowadays I cannot be sure of somebody’s mental state.  I have been yelled at before.

The following exchange ensued:

Me: Can I get you something?

He seemed unsure for a second but then he said:  tea with sugar

Me: Would you like something to eat?

Looking at the food cases displaying all kinds of pre-made sandwiches and other items, he said:  perhaps 2 boiled eggs.

Me: That is it? What about a sandwich?

He answered:  Perhaps some cheese.  If I get one of those (he pointed to a wrap sandwich) it will be a waste.  I don’t eat meat, lettuce, tomato, and those other stuff.

Then he added: I am homeless but I am a picky eater.

I smiled. Before I could say anything, the server, who had been waiting and listening to this exchange said: What about a grilled cheese?

He seemed thrilled with that suggestion and responded:  yes I like that!

I paid for the tea, eggs and grilled cheese and gave him the change.  I wished him a blessed day and walked away as he stayed and waited for his grilled cheese.

A choosy beggar made my day!

Now looking back, and perhaps if I was not one of those New Yorkers always in a hurry, I should have asked him the reason why he eats what he eats.  I should have asked him his name and his story.  I am always curious about how a person arrived at a certain situation.  I also want them to feel that someone cares.

Next time…

“I slept and I dreamed that life is all joy. I woke and I saw that life is all service. I served and I saw that service is joy.”  – Kahlil Gibran

 

of holidays, gratitude and resolutions

28 Thursday Dec 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me, Food

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I hope you all had a fun Christmas with family and friends, or alone.  I spent it alone and it was perfect.  I used to lie about spending holidays alone so I wouldn’t have to endure the pity on people’s faces.

I am alone at holidays for the same reason I am alone in life.  I don’t want to settle! My family lives in another country and I often don’t travel there on holidays.  I guess I also can be sensitive when it comes to invitations.  If someone wants you at their house they should say so, instead of saying something like: “What are you doing on Christmas? If you are not doing anything and want to come over”.  What kind of invitation is that?  To me that it is not an invitation, so I don’t even consider it.

Please don’t you feel sorry for me.  Feel envious of me. I stayed in pajamas the whole day. I had cookies for breakfast. I worked with mosaics with the TV on on some Lifetime feel good movie.  I would rather be skiing, but this was pretty good too.

Now let’s see what New Year’s eve and day will bring.

“You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.” – Max Ehrmann

***
An update on my dental issues, or what I thought were dental issues. This afternoon I am going to see an ENT doctor. It has been over 1 month since my dental surgery and I still feel the same way: gums feel weird, a pressure on the left side of the face. It is not a bad pain, it is an annoying pain, a pressure, a constant reminder that something is off.  At times if feels as if the nerves in the gum are wiggling, like something is brewing under the skin.  When I have that feeling I think good thoughts and I picture my gums growing. I am betting on the power of the mind.

I started a whole program of supplements that my Naturophatic doctor friend prescribed me with the intentions of stimulating the growth of my gums.  When gums start receding they don’t grow back.  I am intent on trying my best to stimulate them to regenerate themselves or at the very least prevent any further recession.  Nothing is impossible to those that believe.

It is the first time that I am hoping to hear from a doctor that something is wrong. If I have a diagnoses then I can start the process of getting it fixed.  Otherwise I am back to square one, returning to the dentist.  I wonder if the surgery I had was even necessary.  The dentist said he saw nothing wrong in the x-ray.  I don’t want to be a guinea pig, specially when my gums/teeth is concerned.

I had this implant done probably 10 years ago.  I will save the story of how I lost that tooth for a following post.  I had to get bone grafts and gum grafts.  Once the implant was put in it didn’t look right as the gum refused to be on top of it.  Crying I asked the dentist why he didn’t tell me that there was the chance of not working.  He said that it works on everyone.  I said:  I am not everyone.  When it comes to my teeth it is always the worst case scenario.

I went to 2 specialists at that time and they both said that there was nothing that could be done. I remember crying in the dentist’s chair.  At that point I returned to the original dentist (still my current dentist) who repeated the procedure and made it look a little better.

The number one compliment I get on my pictures online is on my smile. That should have been a clue that it didn’t actually look that bad!  People focused on the happiness and not on the perfection of my teeth.

This recent surgery caused the gum over the implant and an adjacent tooth to recede it even more.   Now I would give anything to be back to the way things were before.  There is a huge lesson here:  Be grateful for all you have, even the things that perhaps you are not 100% happy with.  Things can change and be taken away from you in a second.

in Brazil we have a saying:  “Eu era feliz e nao sabia”.  The translation means : ” I was happy and didn’t know it”.  We say that when we want to tell someone to appreciate what they have instead of just complaining and wanting more.

Just a thought: Is there anything in your life that you should be grateful for instead of complaining about?

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” – Epicurus

***

The New Year provides everyone a chance to shed the old and embrace the new.  Some people make resolutions and come up with lists and plans to improve their bodies, lives, etc.

I don’t make New Years resolutions, not because I don’t have anything to improve on or because I don’t have anything I want to change, but because I feel I am constantly thinking of changes.  My life is a constant list of improvements.  I make resolutions every night as I lay down to sleep and think about my day and everything I want to change about it.

And every time I do that I realize that resolutions never work.  Next evening I will be thinking about the same issues and resolving to make a change.  It is a vicious cycle.  I believe that if you want to make a change, the time to do it is now, not some time in the future. Scheduling changes rarely work.

Start whatever you want to change now.  Start living the life you want now.

I am guilty of not accomplishing things that I plan to start in the future.  Things that I stick to and see to completion are things that I resolved and started on that very moment the decision was made.

I once gave up chocolate for one year. A fact that shocked everyone as I used to be a chocoholic. I started on a Friday afternoon. Ex looked at me and after laughing at my crazy idea proposed that I should start on Monday. I said I have to do it now or I will never do it.  I am proud to say that for one entire year I had no chocolate of any kind.  If I had scheduled to start on Monday I would never have done.

With all that being said I do have plans for 2018.  I want a simpler 2018. I want to simplify,minimize and declutter my home, my office, my life.  I want less of anything material.  But I have already started that process.  I am attacking my closet like I have never done it before.  Unlike I have done in the past I am not just shuffling things around and making little difference.  This time I am being really drastic about it.

I always like organization and cleaning . I feel lighter, it is cathartic and empowering. As it is I don’t normally hoard anything, but I have realized that I have candles, wine, perfume, underwear, some clothing, some shoes, etc, all waiting for a perfect occasion.

The special occasion is now, the important person it is me!!

Tomorrow may never come and if it does I will go out and buy what I need, or even better, the Universe is always one step ahead of me and it provides me with everything I need when I need it.

“Good resolutions are like babies crying in church. They should be carried out immediately.” -Charles M. Sheldon

The past is where it belongs: in the past!

13 Wednesday Dec 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me, Food

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Yesterday as I was getting a book from my bookshelf the above calendar page fell on the floor.

At that moment the past came flooding back.  AL, the young Irish guy, that has been mentioned on several of my posts, gave me that calendar book at the end of 2013.

I realized that it will be 1 year in January since we exchanged out last text.  I am extremely surprised that he has complied with my request of not contacting me.  I am happy he did.  The pull he had on me was very strong, I am glad I don’t have to be tempted to reply.

As I think of him I send (mentally) him good wishes.  I hope he is happy.  Truly I do! He deserves it, even though I do I wish he had behaved differently towards the end.

He came into my life at a time I needed most.  I was still grieving over the break up of the relationship that tore my heart to shreds.  He was that breath of fresh air that made me feel alive again.  He was a dear friend.  He was an enthusiastic lover.  Of course I knew it wouldn’t last, but I lied to myself, as we women often do. It was amazing while it lasted.

I remembered he said that meeting me was fairy-tale.  I wouldn’t go that far, but  a man saying stuff like that is just irresistible.  Well, because I like him I thought it was charming, if I didn’t like him I would have probably thought it was cheesy.  It is all in the context of how the heart feels.

Is this calendar a sign from the Universe?  If so, what is it trying to tell me?

“Believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.”  – Rainer Maria Rilke

I am going on a second date tonight with the very young accountant, who happens to be the same age AL is, 34.  I don’t need to be a rocket scientist to know that this has the potential to hurt me.  It can also be a lot fun.

Is the Universe telling me to go or not to go?

I am going Universe! I am not ignoring you.  I just don’t know what you are trying to say.  Tonight it will be a  fun date of dinner and cookies.  Tonight I will put the age difference on the back burner.

Thinking of AL reminded me that I am being successful at my resolve of not checking his, and other’s, social media.  It has been over 1 month since I have made the decision to stop checking social media.   https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2017/10/20/determined-and-no-longer-feeling-lost/

It was not an obsession but it was becoming one.  It was a routine that was not productive.  It was an addiction that was interfering with my life.

I am so proud that I am sticking to it.  I have been more productive ever since.  I have been posting here more.  The best part is that now I have more time to check blogs of old friends and I am discovering tons of new ones.

I still look at social media if it is related to some news I have read, but it stops there. I no longer look at the people that are part of my past, they are not part of my future.  I don’t look at certain celebrities as whatever they are eating or what vacations they are taking make no difference in my life.  I no longer have the list of 20 sites that I would religiously look at every day, often multiple times a day.  This harmless curiosity can actually be harmful if it is affecting one’s life.  It was affecting mine.

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”  – Albert Camus

I am curious about AL’s life.  I miss his face and his texts.  I miss his humor.  I miss his flirting.  I don’t miss ending up feeling unimportant and undervalued.  I don’t miss feeling I am doing something I shouldn’t be doing.  All this missing is becoming less and less. Soon it will be just a bleep, just a page in the book of my life, too insignificant to be a chapter.

Thank you AL for not contacting me.   Your silence is all the friendship I need from you at this point. I treasure what we had (or what I thought we had).

Today someone asked me if I only like younger men.  I answered:  Not necessarily, they like me!

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” – Lao Tzu

 

 

Cultivating gratitude and dating update

24 Friday Nov 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Food

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“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday with your loved ones. It is always my prayer that everyone has shelter, food and loved ones around (family and/or family).

My gratitude list is immense and growing.  It is a blessing to be alive; everything else is the icing on the cake.  I have food, shelter and loved ones.  Speaking of loved ones, I am a bit disappointed to not be invited anywhere this Thanksgiving, but the truth is I would have probably declined the invitation anyway as I always choose to be alone on holidays.

To me is extremely important to constantly remind myself of all the blessings in my life and to constantly say thank you to everyone. Gratitude is happiness!

I have been having up and down moments due to many issues beyond my control. I know that it is not what happens to me, but how I handle it and react to it that matters.  I know I need to devote more time and energy to meditation and mindfulness, but I still struggle with that.  I see the benefits of it, but still I drag my feet at doing it.

“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorns have roses.” – Alphonse Karr   

Update on last post:

Dentist. On Monday morning at 7:30 am I was sitting at my dentist’s door waiting for him to arrive.  My teeth, and specially my gums,  just didn’t look and feel right.  I knew something was wrong even though he had assured me that all was fine.

After additional x-rays he still could not see anything really wrong. So he decided to open the gum and clean around the implant.  After many shots of anesthesia, he opened the gum in the area and cleaned around the implant.  I left with a bunch of stitches and instructions not to eat on that side for 2 weeks.

It has been 5 days now and still it doesn’t feel completely right.  I had dental surgeries before that were longer and more involved than this one and I remembered being fine in no time and not even taking pain pills after the first day.  This time it is taking longer to feel right.  The gum looks white and weird and I still feel this dull faint pain on that side of my face. Perhaps I am older and weaker to pain. Thankfully I have a return scheduled for Monday morning.  I hope he gives me good news, or at least pacify my fears.

Writer: He asked me out this week on Tuesday or Wednesday but because of my dental issues I had to decline. We have been communicating daily and we will probably meet next week. He seems thoughtful and interested so we all shall see where this will go.

The Korean: He finally replied to my text later that day saying that was having a grouchy Saturday.  Since then we have been texting on and off.  He apologized for being busy with his son being off from school.  I accept someone being busy with family priorities, but it just feels like something else has changed.  And as a result my original interest has waned.

“Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.” – Eckart Tolle

In the meantime some old ghosts from the past have returned.

The Naturopathic doctor.  We have been communicating on and off after having several dates over 2 years ago.  He has asked me out a couple of times since but I was always busy with something so I declined.  Two weeks ago I accepted a Sunday brunch invitation. It was fun catching up.  He is smart and our conversations are always enlightening. I don’t think there is any romance anymore but he has become a good friend.  Last Sunday he contacted me but I was at brunch with the guy I describing next so we scheduled a brunch date tomorrow.  Even though eating on one side of the mouth only is not fun I am still keeping the date.

The International lawyer.  I had a couple of dates with him over a year ago and due to busy schedule on both sides by the time we reconnected again he had a girlfriend.  Now that he broke up with the girlfriend he asked me out to catch up.  I am not proud and I need to eat so I accepted a brunch invitation last Sunday.  It was a lot fun as he is smart and fun. We have been texting and will probably get together again, but just as friends only for me.  I am not sure if he has romance in mind but to me that is gone.

At this moment the only one that I can perhaps see some romance down the line is the writer.

At the end of the day I am sitting here extremely grateful for everything in my life, the good and the bad.  All these dates, all these experiences, all these men, in the end helps me to get to know myself better.  It helps me realize what I need and want in my life.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read, and the care to comment.  Your advice is invaluable, your friendship treasured!

“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.” – Seneca

The writer, the Korean and the dentist

18 Saturday Nov 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Food

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“Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.” – Plato

The writer.  On Monday night I met a grant writer/novel writer for drinks.  We met at a beer pub.  I had wine since I don’t drink beer.  I like the guy to choose the place for the first date.  He picked a place that was convenient for me to get to from my job and on the way to the train station.  That was very thoughtful, specially since he had to travel 40 minutes to get there.

He was very nice and paid attention to every word I said.  I talked a lot as usual.  Now every now and then he will comment on something I said that day.  When we said good bye at Grand Central we hugged and he asked if we could meet again, I said yes.  It is now Saturday and no plans for a second date have been made.

Maybe I am just the impatient kind but I think if he really wanted to see me again he would have scheduled a second date by now.  Is he waiting for me to say something?

He may have to wait forever because the longer it goes by the more reasons I keep finding on why this relationship wouldn’t work out in the long run.  And maybe he is doing the same.

**

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” – Plato

The Korean.  I am speaking to another guy but we have yet to make plans. His life revolves around a son that is very involved in sports.   He is Korean.  I have never went on a date with an Asian man. He seems extremely smart, so I am intrigued.

I gave him my number.  I don’t always give my number out before meeting someone, but I did to him because he seemed so genuine.  He has been calling me every day, sometimes more than once.  He is supposed to check his schedule and come up with a time/place to meet.

Last night he called and we spoke for awhile.  We are both jokers and I am not sure what we were talking about that I joked about having to put our wedding plans on hold, etc.  I am only mentioning that conversation because after he hung up last night I haven’t heard from him again.  He said he would call back later.  It was already after 10 pm when he hung up, and he never called again.  It is now 4 pm the next day and nothing.

I am thinking that perhaps the jokes scared him.  We were both used to joke about things, and we had an understanding that we would communicate and clear up any misunderstandings.

Whenever anyone has offended me, I try to raise my soul so high that the offense cannot reach it. – Rene Descartes

I texted him around noon, no reply.  For some reason I think I will never him from him again.  I am just curious to know what happened that he couldn’t have said anything.  Why can people just communicate their thoughts and feelings?

Still, I may not like his action or lack of it, but I respect it.  Next!

How sad it is that I am so easy to move on to the next person?  Perhaps it is not sad, perhaps it is just the way I have to be to be able to survive on this online dating world.   I have learned not to invest myself emotionally in anyone until I am sure they deserve that investment, specially if I didn’t even meet him yet.

I don’t like disappearing acts, but any time that happens I picture my guardian angels removing that person from my life because they are not good for me.

Thank you Guardian Angels!  You know I need guidance.  I have mistaken glitter for gold more than once.

***

“Doubt is the origin of wisdom”  If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.– Rene Descartes

The dentist.  I so wish that I was speaking about a date, but no, I am speaking about having dental issues.  I am not sure I have mentioned before how much issues I have had with my teeth in the past.  I have had cavities filled, extractions, root canals, gum grafts, bone grafts, implants. etc.

For the past 2 years I have enjoyed a reprieve.  My dentist has plenty of ideas for more grafts and implants but nothing that I thought it was necessary.  All I have done in my mouth was for necessity and not cosmetic.

I had stopped going to my dentist in Scarsdale, NY because he was too expensive.  Scarsdale is synonymous with expensive. So since the middle of 2016 I have been going to one in my town that is more reasonable, since all I was doing was cleaning.

On Friday I went to her to have a front that looked chipped on the side fixed. While there I asked her to take a look at the gum on that side because it felt funny and it looked like there was a dark spot on the gum above the next tooth that happens to be an implant.  She took x-rays and said all was fine.  I was elated since I hardly ever have good news from dentists.

On Monday, out of the blue there was bleeding around the implant. It bled for a second, but I was extremely alarmed and immediately made an appointment with my original dentist.

The next day I took the day off and went to see him.  I was bracing myself for the worst.  I could already see surgery and stitches. He took x-rays and actual pictures.  He lectures around the world so I am sure my teeth has been a case study somewhere.

He said I looked beautiful as usual and I said he looked old…not something I recommend anyone to tell their dentist or anybody else, but I was very nervous and his hair had turned grayer than I remembered.

He said that the implant, bone and gums looked great and it just looked like there was something underneath, which I had immediately said popcorn.  The day before my co-worker mentioned popcorn when I said it looked like there was something under the gum.  There are 2 things that I have been eating daily and that is popcorn and grapes.

He scraped under the gum and said he removed some pieces of it.  He said to just take peroxide with a cotton swab and press against it.  He also said I need to make an appointment to get a cleaning with his assistant, and at that time we would talk about things we need to get done.

I was elated… for a couple of days.  Fast forward to a few days later my gum bled yesterday and today. It is not only the occasional bleeding but the nagging persistent feeling of subtle pain and numbness the sinus region.  I was going to have that cleaning in December because that is when the insurance will pay for another cleaning, but I can no longer wait for that.  On Monday I will call and get a cleaning asap.

Of course now I have spent hours Googling and reading about it.  There is condition called Peri-Implant that sounds like a possibility.  Funny thing while Googling is that I found an article that my own dentist wrote about it.   I decided to stop Googling and just wait until I go back to the dentist. I need to stop crossing bridges before I get to them.

I need to get done additional gum grafts for receding gum in the back.  Every time he mentions all that I need to get done I always have the same answer/joke:  find me a rich husband and I will come here and do everything you wish.

Wishing you all blessed weekend! Thank you for taking the time to read.

Divide each difficulty into as many parts as is feasible and necessary to resolve it. – Rene Descartes

In the moment and on a date

14 Tuesday Nov 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” – Thich Nhat Hahn

I have been taking 5 minutes in the morning when I wake up and 5 minutes before going to bed to meditate or to just be silent and try to turn off my mind.  For now I can’t silence it for the whole 5 minutes so when thoughts persist I just turn to affirmations that I made up such as: I deserve peace.  I deserve love.  I listen to the Universe and the Universe listens to me, etc.

It may seem silly but I credit those little 10 minutes a day with making a world of difference in my attitude and outlook.  Trying to be in the moment and in tune to my body, mind and breath has been incredible for me.  I hope to eventually be able to really let go of thoughts and also to devote more than 5 minutes.

***

“No woman really wants a man to carry her off; she only wants him to want to do it.”  – Elizabeth Peters

This dating life remains an adventure.  On Sunday I was asked out by a guy I met on POF.  He was nice and even though he lived a little further than I would want I thought there was potential so I accepted.

This is exactly what he said:  “I was wondering what you were doing late Sunday afternoon was thinking we could meet for appetizers and cocktails”.

He chose a restaurant near my apartment.  We met at 5pm and set at the bar.  He ordered a beer and I ordered a cosmopolitan.  They served us some bread, which was delicious.  He asked me what I would like to eat and I said: anything but shellfish.  He chose an antipasto platter and a whole pizza pie.

While eating, and I need to point out that I had only a couple of bites of cheese and eggplant from the antipasto platter and only 1 slice of pizza. And of course the free bread.  He had the rest of the antipasto and 3 or 4 slices of pizza and took the rest home.

We talked about various things, with him focusing a little too much on how bitter he was at his ex-wife over splitting up the finances. He said if he gets married again he will get a prenuptial agreement.  I am not sure at which point but he eventually said:  “I like to “go dutch” on first dates, so there is no pressure on anyone. So the girl doesn’t feel she owes me anything”.

What?  did he expect me to pay for half?  I never felt I owe a guy anything because he paid for dinner.  While I have no problem paying for my share, cheap men is a real turn off for me.  Also he should have mentioned that before meeting.  He is the one that chose the place and the meal. I was okay with meeting at a coffee shop or at the library or any public place.  I don’t need anyone to buy me dinner or appetizers as I a requirement to meet.

When the bill came I just ignored it.  There is no way I was going to offer to pay half.  Still I thought we managed to have a good time, that is until we said good bye. I went in for a hug good bye and he kissed me on the lips.  I pulled away startled as I hadn’t thought there was any sparks for either one of us.  He tried again and said:  I have to see how you kiss.  I couldn’t get away fast enough.  Classless!

There will not be a second date!

“Never marry at all, Dorian. Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.” – OscarWilde

 

 

One day after another, we keep going

07 Saturday Oct 2017

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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“There is a saying in Tibetan, ‘Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.’
No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster.”  – Dalai Lama XIV

I am as shocked as most people are over the tragedy in Las Vegas. While the Hurricane was also tragic, specially the situation in Puerto Rico, which is heartbreaking, Las Vegas is incomprehensible.  The sheer thought that one person alone could cause such atrocity is beyond understanding.  It is revolting, scary, and alarming. We can almost understand Mother Nature, but the evil in mankind leaves me speechless.

When will this stop? It keeps escalating. How can owning such weapons be okay? I doubt our forefathers had Automatic Rifles in mind when they decided on the Right to Bear Arms.

I pray for peace. I pray for miracles. I pray for guidance.  Prayer is not enough, I understand that.  Prayer without action, without doing my part is meaningless. But Prayer brings peace.  Prayer brings clarity, brings comfort and solace.

What else can I do, other than sign petitions and contact my local representative?  Who is he/she anyway?  Are they really representing me?

***

“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.”  – Amit Ray

S. and I still email daily.  I am still not sure if it is going anywhere.  At times I want to meet him, other times I want to preserve things as they are.

We had a minor disagreement the other day. I thought it was rude to just leave a conversation and not say good bye, only to resurface several hours later like nothing happened. He said and I quote: “You seem to think it’s not okay to miss someone, even if terribly, and knowing they’ll be back”

I guess he has a point. I also guess he has never been ghosted before. What is annoying is not somebody disappearing; it is not knowing if they will ever come back.

I decided to relax and take it for what it is: a fun friend that comes and goes. Still I enjoy exchanging messages with him and will continue to do so until we either meet, get tired of each other, or get significant others, whatever comes first.

Speaking of meetings, I decided to go back to online dating sites. I miss going out on dates. I miss dressing up, having an alcoholic beverage, flirting and the potential of a second date and a kiss.

I also miss all the different people I meet. I miss their stories. They teach me a lot about myself.

I thought I would do so much with my life while away from online dating but nothing has changed. I am still not blogging as often as I would like.

Oh well, I will not pressure myself about that either.

***

“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it’s not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.”  – Dalai Lama XIV

I am not sure I have mentioned my problem with hives. Yes, besides, back, hip and neck/collarbone issues I also deal with hives. I am damaged goods, or perhaps those are the signs of a life lived well, or perhaps just the sign of a body not being taken care of as a temple.

After consulting with several doctors, including an allergist that assured me I am not allergic to anything: “perhaps a little allergy to dust”,  I am still not close to figuring why most days at the end of the day I break out in hives. Most of the time is annoying but not crazy, but yesterday it was just unbearable.

In looking at what I had to eat and what I did throughout the day the only thing that I would consider out of the ordinary for me was having a few slices of salami at dinner time. Could I be allergic to salami, or something in it?

I keep wanting to start a food diary and never do it, perhaps the time to start is now.  I had 10 years ago and it was an incredible weight loss tool.  I need to do it again.

***

Same old story with same old ending

19 Monday Dec 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me, Food

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“I keep turning over new leaves, and spoiling them, as I used to spoil my copybooks; and I make so many beginnings there never will be an end. (Jo March)”  -louisa May Alcott

The snow on Saturday was a reminder that skiing season is here and I need to start planning my skiing vacation.

I thought about skipping skiing this season. I am out of shape and have all sorts of pain in my hip and back.  Also once again I will be traveling alone.

For a second I become sad and negative. I alternate between feeling like a victim and feeling like the perpetrator.

I am beating myself up for having had an entire year to get in shape and done nothing about it.  I had an entire year to go back to the doctor regarding my hip. One whole year to eat a little less sugar and carbohydrates.  One whole year to improve physically.  I didn’t any of it.

I had one whole year of meeting nice guys (ok some jerks too), and turned them all away.  I am mad at myself for saying no to perfectly good guys. I could have a skiing companion if I had not been so picky, if I had not been holding out for fireworks.

I am berating myself for being in this same situation yet again. Another year come and gone, and the same situation remains.  I have no one to blame but myself.  Should I just skip skiing this winter?

Will blaming myself accomplish anything?That is a resounding NO!  I realize, quick enough, that being down on myself, yelling at myself will not accomplish anything. It will only put me in a negative, pessimistic mental state. There is nothing to gain with that. It will only make matters worst.

These thoughts are not helping.  I am sending the Universe the wrong message.  These negative conversations with myself, these berating of myself only creates more negativity and powerlessness.

Thinking that I have to be in shape and have to have company to go skiing is the wrong way of thinking. Waiting for someone or waiting to be at a certain level to start doing something you love  is counter effective and the best way to never do anything at all.

So, this year again, I will do what I do every time. I will go skiing alone and not in good shape.  And I am willing to bet I will have the best time ever, as I always do.

I will stand at the top of the mountain, feeling blessed and grateful realizing the beauty of nature and the blessings of God.  I will feel invincible and humble at the same time.

I will come back with plans of getting in a better shape for next time.

I cannot do anything about the year that is ending.   All I can do is to start now and promise myself I will try harder and never give up.  It doesn’t matter if I take steps back or even remain stationary, the key is to love and be kind to myself and to know I am a work in progress and I can always change.

Here is to new beginnings, re-beginnings, planning new beginnings!  Here is loving myself and being kind to myself, skinny or fat.

“Great things happen to those who don’t stop believing, trying, learning, and being grateful.” ― Roy T. Bennett