Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

How to spot a fake dating profile

27 Thursday Oct 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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I often hear stories of women who lost a lot money on romance scams.  It is hard to understand how can someone start sending money to a person they never met.  I blame loneliness.  Some people are starving for a connection, others are starving to feel needed or loved.  That combined with how clever some con-artists are and all of a sudden you find yourself wiring money.  Don’t be fooled!

It is painful to realize after corresponding with someone for awhile that their profile is fake and you have no idea who you have been talking to for the last few weeks.   Some fakes are very easy to spot.  I actually think they are bot, computer generated.  But some are very clever and can trick anyone.

I have become very clever at spotting fakes, so here some tip, s that I picked up along the way, on how to spot a fake online dating profile.  Please note this is my experience and, of course, there are exceptions.  I always rather be safe than sorry, so whenever in doubt I block the person.

  • First and foremost always Google the pictures and the content of the profile.  I cannot stress this one enough.  Often it leads you to discover that the picture is from a model and that the profile has been repeatedly used by scammers.  Even if they are legit it may lead to getting additional information on the person and confirming if what they are telling you is true. Facebook helps a lot.  There was this one guy that I was talking to that seemed very nice but when I saw his Facebook page I was shocked!  It was full of angry outbursts against government, religion, minorities, etc.  That was enough for me to realize that person was not for me.
  • Never, ever, give anyone you never met your address or other sensitive personal information.  The right man will not pressure you to do anything you are not comfortable doing.  If he keeps pressuring you for anything, then he is not for you.
  • Never, ever, send anyone money or gifts.  If a man needs to ask me for money or gifts he is not somebody I want to be dating and neither should you.

Watch out  for:

  • Profiles that are too short and  barely contains any information.  Not only signals a fake profile, but if the person didn’t bother providing any information it shows to me his level of interest in actually dating someone.
  • Profiles with no pictures.  I don’t want to have my pictures out there, but it is the price I must pay to do online dating, so I expect others to do the same.  Profiles with no pictures normally have something to hide.  In my experience most are married.
  • Profiles that mention an abundance of the following words: honesty, God-fearing, family-man, true romance, gentleman, old-fashioned, fairy-tale, dream-come-true, etc. There is something wrong with someone that needs to tell you over and over how honorable they are.
  • Profiles that are very long but they don’t contain any real information about the person.  They just go on and on about romances and fairy-tales. If you Google part of it you will probably find the same words in many different profiles, and often connected to Romance Scams.
  • He says he works in the Military/Government profession and is stationed overseas.  So far I have never come across a legit one.
  • He says that  that he works in the OIL/Gas Industry (I am in the OIl/Gas industry, so there are indeed exceptions)
  • He is working in the Middle East or some other country but will be returning soon.  When someone gives me that line I just say: contact me when you are back.
  • He is a widower, wife died of cancer and he is caring for their child alone (or some other sob story).  I did meet a widower that was real and a great person, but most often they are fake.
  • He never answers any question directly.  Doesn’t provide any real information about himself.  He either asks too many personal questions or does not ask anything.  He just goes on and on on how God-fearing and family man he is.
  • He wants to take the conversation off line and off the dating site right away.  On the first message he already sends his email and phone number and/or asks for yours. (see me sample below*)
  • It is a third party contacting you.  An employee, a cousin, father, etc. contacts you on how perfect you are for their relative, friend, etc. Not only is fake, but who would want someone that cannot contact you himself?
  • He says is stationed/working overseas, but will be retiring soon and  is deciding on the city they will move to.  If they like you they hint they can move to your town.  This one is just too creepy for me.
  • His writing seems awkward. Hard to explain, but once you read you realize this person’s first language in not English and in the meantime they are telling you they were born in the US and have lived here their entire lives.
  • He is full of praise and compliments on how amazing you are.  If someone never met me and on the first email he is telling me I am a dream come true I run, and they go on and on it makes me run.  I am amazing indeed but he never met me.  So he is either a scammer or he is telling everyone he corresponds with how wonderful they are.  In either case he is not for me.
  • If you suspect he is not who he says he is then suggest meeting for coffee right away (you don’t have to go through with it if he says yes).  But every time I did that I got stories of how he is travelling on business or had to travel because of a sick parent.

*This is a sample of a fake profile message that I just received:

How are you doing ? i am new on here and you seem to have a very lovely picture and i must say you look beautiful and i wish to get to know you more , what do you seek on here ? looking for a true and long lasting partner ? i want same .. please write me at me personal email ‘’ alexschmidtkoiln atgmail i would be glad to get a Mail from you and would be sure to write you back . Thank you 

To me online dating is great, but “buyer beware”!  I play it safe.  I do my research and homework before meeting someone in person.     I follow my instincts but I don’t take chances.  And you should do the same!

Remember: If it seems to good to be true, then it probably is!

and on this note I have to run.  Catching a flight later on to Brazil. I am going to see my family and bring my mother back for a little stay.

Please forgive the typos and grammar errors, there is not time for editing.

 

What to wear to the ballet?

30 Friday Sep 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

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“You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestation of your own blessings.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

I am trying to get back to my routine after my brother’s visit is over.  It is fun having guests but it is hard on my eating habits and exercise routine as I tend to indulge on everything my guests do or don’t do.  After they leave it takes me awhile to get back to my normal.

As a result I have accumulated some extras pounds.  I am not a fan of diets.  I think losing weight is easy, maintaining it is the real hurdle.  Also I cannot deal with feeling deprived.  If I resolve not to eat an item, that is all I crave.

I need to return to better eating habits.  Whatever I want whenever I want is translating into excess weight.  Chocolates, bread, cookies, ice cream on a daily basis is hardly a good diet.

I cannot blame it all on guests being here for 2 weeks.  A lot of my eating habits have to do with the way I handle stress.  I run to sugar. I am a big emotional eater.  I am sad I eat, I am happy I eat!

Anyway, I am not going to spend too much time beating a dead horse.  I need to change and soon! Admitting I have a problem is the first step.  I have a problem!  But who am I kidding?  I have already admitted I have a problem a long time ago.  Now it is time for action!

Speaking of stress, it is never ending lately.  Actually problems and challenges are a necessary part of life.  I just need to get better at handling them. It is indeed not what happens to me but how I react to it.

“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.” -Amit Ray

Right now some of issues I am dealing with:

1. Broken car. My 29 year old car wouldn’t start. While I am at work now I have a tow truck coming to tow it to the mechanic. It feels weird letting that happen while I am not there. Remember I am a control freak.  I feel that I have a decision to make when it comes to this car.  It is a classic, but every time it needs repair it is extremely expensive since parts are not easily available.

2. Again there are issues with one of my rental apartments.  The problem now is with the cooling/heating system. There comes another repair bill.  Next year around July, when the contract with the tenant is over,  please remind me that I said I was going to sell that place.  Hit me if you have to!

3.  Meetings with immigration attorney to finalize my sister’s green card.  This process seems endless and the documentation required can be overwhelming.  There is also not so minor detail that finally after 32 years my identical twin sister and I will be dividing the same roof.   Even though we would die for each other,  if we are together for long we tend to become overcritical of each other.  That is how love is sometimes, you want the other person be the best that they can be and you think you know how that is achieved.

I do realize the blessing of problems and challenges.  They refine us, they provide us with the chance of becoming better people.  Some challenges makes us realize what is really important in life.  At the end of the day, what doesn’t kill us indeed make us stronger.

***

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”  -Donald Miller

Now I am resuming dating.  There is someone very interested, and that right there is the problem.  I realized that the worst thing that could happen is a guy showing me too much interest.  I feel like running away, and I immediately start looking for problems and for flaws in him.

What is my problem?  Fear of commitment?  Fear of getting hurt? Fear of settling for the wrong person?  Fear of hurting someone?

Or perhaps I just like the chase.  I like the challenge.   I don’t want to settle but at which point I manage my expectations and appreciate the great men I meet?

I do fear hurting him because I don’t know what I want and he seems so sure.  I figure I will give him complete honesty and that is the best I can do.  So I am being completely honest about my feelings.

I don’t want to give out too much information about him.  He is a classical musician, in his late fifties.  Everything about him seems great.  So why am I not that excited? Why am I so cautious?

“How much I missed, simply because I was afraid of missing it.”-Paulo Coelho

In the meantime I am exchanging emails with a much younger fake guy.  I know this guy is fake.  But like some fake guys in the past, I know they are fake and I keep going, playing along. Why am I investing time and energy into this losing proposition?  Perhaps I know the answer to that…they are safe to me, they require no commitment.

So that brings me to the question that is the title to this post, what should I wear to the ballet at Lincoln Center?  If I overdress it may scream of “first timer”, if I under-dress it may seem I am not appreciating the event and location.  I think the little black dress may be the right ticket here.

and lastly a word in defense of online dating.  Yes it can be a pain, with its share of losers and players, but so is real life.  One has to be safe and take precautions before meeting anyone, but at the end of the day I grateful for its availability, as I get to meet men from all walks of life that normally I would never bump to in my day to day.

“Not knowing when the dawn will come
I open every door.”  – Emily Dickinson

 

Never assume!

21 Wednesday Sep 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” – Isaac Asimov

As expected I am even busier now with my brother, his girlfriend and another 3 friends visiting from Brazil.  It is chaotic because the friends decided to rent an Airbnb in the Harlem.  Nothing against Harlem but they rented in an area out of the way for tourists and out of the way for me.  It is so bad that they never went out in the evenings for fear of coming home in the dark.  Next time perhaps someone will ask my input, after all I have only lived in New York for over 30 years.

I am doing my best to help out and provide them direction and fun.  Tomorrow I am renting a mini-van to take them to the outlets.  I hate outlets and I hate driving, so this goes on the list: things we do for family!

****

I almost never go out of my office. I get in in the morning and only leave at the end of the day. But every now and then I get out to run an errand. It never fails that I see a homeless person in a corner.  Were they always there and I never noticed or this problem is growing at an alarming rate? I always give money or buy them food. Yesterday was no different.

After getting out of the office to go to HSBC I find myself standing in line at Wells Fargo.  I realized my mistake and walked out.  I see a man sitting in a corner and offer to buy him lunch.  He asks if I could get him soda also. I get him the food and soda and go back to the office without doing what I had intended to do which is go to HSBC.

At the end of the day when I am returning home, in my town, I pass by an older man rummaging through a garbage can. I go back and the following conversation ensues:

Me:  Are you hungry?

Him: No (sounding offended), do I look hungry?

Me: I don’t know, I just felt I should ask.

Him: I have $240.00 on this pocket (patting the left side of his pants and patting the other side as if trying hard to remember how much he had on the other pocket)

He proceeds to tell what he had for dinner: steak, potatoes and green beans and some dessert.

Me: oh then you have more money than I do.  Can I borrow some?

Him: How much do you need?

I said good night and walked out.  Would he really have loaned me money?  Who knows, but this exchange illustrates the old adage: “Never judge a book by its cover”; and my favorite new one: Don’t assume, ask!

I had a homeless man yell at me once when I gave him food so I never assume they want and/or anything, I ask.

So the take away here is: Never assume anything. Ask, clarify, even at the risk of sounding redundant. 

“How would your life be different if…You stopped making negative judgmental assumptions about people you encounter? Let today be the day…You look for the good in everyone you meet and respect their journey.” – Steve Maraboli

Updates, and trying Match.com

01 Thursday Sep 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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Test’s result: It is negative! The biopsy results are in and there is nothing to worry about.  The minor surgery is healing well.  I won’t have to see this doctor for another year.   All in all I am glad my doctor referred me to this specialist.  He was great!  Easy to talk to, explains everything in detail,  really made me feel at ease, even thought he was teaching yet another medical student.  The silver lining:  In the process of doing the biopsy he corrected and cleaned up my cervix.  He said: “ You can now resume normal activities”  …and resume I shall (as soon as I find the one I am willing to have activities with  🙂 )

New Tenant: Again I have an older lady as a tenant. She is very nice. As faith would have the day before my tenant is set to move in there is a leak from the apartment upstairs and part of the bedroom ceiling falls off. The silver lining is that there was no furniture so nothing other then the ceiling was damaged.  Now on to fixing it and trying to collect from the lady upstairs.  Being a landlord is not easy.

Olympics: I already miss the Olympics.  I am happy that all in all the Olympics worked out. In the beginning I feared it wasn’t even going to happen so I am glad that one way or another Brazil pulled it through.  Relieved is a better word! I love the world coming together is a competitive and fun atmosphere. I love the triumph of the spirit, the giving their all to something.

US Open: It is US Open time again.  Every year I go to the Opening Night Ceremony.  I loved how they showcased the new roof at the Arthur Ashe Stadium.  Apparently everyone was on to what was going to happen, except me.

My Doc friend went with me.  I was going on and on about the roof being closed on such a beautiful night.   And then as Phil Collins started singing “In the Air Tonight” the roof started opening up.  I was in awe like a child looking up, both marveled and surprised.

Visitors from Brazil: My brother, his girlfriend, her brother and his wife, and a cousin are coming  to NY  on September 9th to stay  for 2 weeks.  Only my brother and his girlfriend will stay at my apartment, but they will all go together on all the outings.  I will take a few days off to take them around.  It should be fun playing the tour guide.

Match. com:  I am still on POF, but decided to also try Match.  So far I have met in person 2 guys.  They were really great, but there was not really any chemistry.  I am seriously thinking that, even though, I am on 2 sites looking for a partner, I don’t really want anyone.  Am I too demanding? Is that masking a secret fear of getting hurt again?  Am I not willing to share my space, time and energy?  Or perhaps it is just not the right time.

The first guy I met was a widower of just one year.  I think he just spoke a little too much of his late wife.  I don’t think I want to compete with a dead wife. I don’t think that he is ready for dating, even though he said he had already dated someone for 3 months.

The second guy was younger than me by 5 years, handsome, great job.  I just think that he lacked a little motivation. He said he would never travel alone or do anything alone.  I do everything alone. I feel like he is waiting for a woman to come and rescue him and tell him what to do.  Even though I am bossy, I am tired of it.  I don’t want to rescue anyone.  I want to be rescued for once.

The truth is I didn’t feel like kissing any of them.  It may seem superficial but chemistry it is a big deal to me.  It has to flow.  It is not about looks, it is about how someone moves me and makes me feel.

If the chemistry is there, then we can see about the rest.

At this point in my life I don’t feel like wasting time and energy and hope on someone that I feel I will have to force and make a relationship fit.  I believe that when the person, time and energy is right it will just naturally work.

“Let nature take its course. By letting each thing act in accordance with its own nature, everything that needs to be done gets done.” ~” Lao Tzu

 

 

Brazilian fans: Is it passion or bad manners?

10 Wednesday Aug 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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Rio 2016

Only one who devotes himself to a cause with his whole strength and soul can be a true master. For this reason mastery demands all of a person. – Albert Einstein

These days I have been busy watching the Olympics.  I watch everything and anything I can. Any sport, any team, any country, I don’t care.  I love seeing the passion, the love, the attitude.  I love the patriotism. I love seeing the triumph of the underdog with resilience and heart.  Even when the body says no, the heart says yes and keeps going.

Of course another reason to watch is that it is happening in Brazil.  Part of my heart is there.  Anytime they show the fans, they show the people, I see me, I see my people.

Like everyone else I was not convinced we would be able to pull it off.  With the threat of the Zika virus, the political climate of Brazil, unfinished buildings, the crime rate, the polluted water, terrorist threats, it all look really iffy for awhile.  But here we are with the games in full swing.

“Set the standard! Stop expecting others to show you love, acceptance, commitment, & respect when you don’t even show that to yourself.”- Steve Maraboli

I was very happy with the Opening Ceremony.  Of course there were a lot things that could have been done better, but when I compare it with the opening of the World cup this was a masterpiece.

All is not perfect though, there are reports of many athletes being robbed while walking around and that is embarrassing for us, even though having 0 crimes in Rio is totally unrealistic.

As far as Brazil’s performance in and out of the field that is up for debate.  A lot has been said about the noise of the fans.  They watch and root for every sport as if they are watching futebol (soccer).  I can see how that can annoy a lot people, other fans and specially some of the players.  There is a lot talk about teaching Brazilians the correct decorum for every sport.  Well, good luck with that.  We wear our hearts on our sleeves, we are passionate about our players, and even other players.  Even if we don’t have a horse in the race we will pick the underdog and root for him/her as if they are family.  I can see beauty in that.

But some go too far and should learn to use a little restraint at times.  We could show our passion and roos for our favorites without booing the opponent.  Seeing fans booing and cursing players is distasteful and disgraceful, but I can’t help to think that at that moment Brazilians are letting out their frustrations for all that is going wrong in Brazil.  Still we should aim it at the right targets.

No matter who the opponent is, he is there with similar goals, to represent himself and his country the best he can.  He/She is there with the same passion and motivation and deserving of the same respect.  At the end of the day may the best person win, the one with the most heart and resilience, the one that never gives up.

I love that our first Gold Medal was won by Rafaela Silva, a woman that came out of slums.  She is from the favela Cidade de Deus (City of God slums).  She benefited from a social project called Reaçao (Reaction) started by a Judo player name Flavio Canto.  He wanted to introduce poor kids to sports as a way to get them off the streets early on.  Her victory shows the benefits of such projects.  That was a victory for the real Brazil, the poor hard worker, the one that gives their blood, sweat and tears every single day of their lives and have little to show for it.

The successful person makes a habit of doing what the failing person doesn’t like to do. – Thomas Edison

I was going to now write about passion and commitment, about envying the passion these athletes feel and how they dedicate and commit to this one goal above all things. I was going to talk about my need to find my passion in life and my lack of commitment to things lately.

Then the phone rings and it is my gynecologist.  I know it is not good news as they never call after a Pap Smear unless it is bad news.  My test results were abnormal and she wants me to come back tomorrow for a Coloscopy.  It is a simple procedure to further explore the cervix and collect a sample for a biopsy.

Chances are it is nothing, but the idea of the possibility of cancer changes everything.  My emotions get the best of me.  I see life flashing before my eyes.  I think of so much living I still have to do.

Yes I am being a tad dramatic, this is probably nothing! But I will use it to fuel my love for living and my idea of, until I find my passion in life, to be passionate about everything.

So smile more, dance more, laugh more, reach out to friends and family, go out and do that scares and excites you, feel alive! Be grateful for every new morning and for every breath!

So to quote my favorite movie “Shawshank Redemption”:  “Get busy living or get busy dying”!

“If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, here and now and when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.” – Masaru Emoto

 

 

Eating, drinking, dancing, kissing and telling

27 Wednesday Jul 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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Update: My tenant is finally out! I have been doing so much work at the apartment.  I am physically and mentally exhausted.  I am still not done but I already have a new tenant waiting to move in. 🙂

***

“I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it.” – Rita Maw Brown

My co-worker’s daughter spent the weekend before last with me.  Last time we saw each other we were both complaining that we wanted to get out more but didn’t have friends so we decided that we should to go out together. She is 25 years old, I am 50.

It was fun to forget about apartment renovations, meeting with attorney, talks with accountant, works issues, etc for awhile.

She came over on Friday evening and we started the weekend by going out to dinner, then dancing. On Saturday we spent the day in Manhattan (walking the Highline, Chelsea Market, then around the village), then dinner and more dancing. On Sunday we had foot and back massages, followed by manicures and a great early dinner. It was a tiring weekend but awesome!

There were a lot fun and funny moments. There was great food, drinks and desserts. But the moment that I am choosing to highlight here is a moment that perhaps I should be embarrassed about it – but I am not!

We went barhopping on Friday night, minus the drinking plus the dancing. We are more dancers than drinkers. I was at least 20 years older than everyone at all the places we went to. Surprisingly I didn’t feel out of place at all.

At one point we stepped onto the patio of one of the bars and I noticed a young bespectacled guy looking in my direction. I looked behind me, thinking he is looking at someone else.  But no, I was the object of his attention. I blushed and proceeded to exchange glances.

All of a sudden he approaches us (me, my friend and another guy that we were talking to) and introduces himself. I applaud his bravery. I find that guys are normally too shy to approach girls, only doing that if they are drunk. This guy was completely sober. He asked me if I wanted to dance. I was happily accepted.

At some point I asked his age. He is 26 years. He didn’t ask and I didn’t volunteer mine. We danced for a while and when the dancing slowed down a little we kissed. And we kept on kissing. I didn’t want it to end.  This guy new how to kiss!!

When the bar was closing, and I was leaving, I gave him my number.  Two days later he texted me and asked me out. I said no.  I was tempted, really tempted.  He seemed great, smart, mature, employed and I enjoyed his company, but to think that it could go further than that is a fantasy.  And kissing is my limit.  This experience fed my ego, and while I am not necessarily proud of it, I am not embarrassed yet.

On that note I made a realization about my dating habits. I have been dating with the intent of finding a partner to be with for the rest of my life.  I become very critical and focused.  I realized that I should date for fun and if the right person comes along then we will see what happens. I should be in the moment and enjoy life instead of planning a future that may never come.

It is a beautiful thing to be an adult and free and not accountable to anyone.  Finally at 50 years old I feel this way.  I feel free!!

Life is too short, too beautiful for me to worry about what others may think of my actions. The world needs more love, more kissing! And if I so desire and another young man comes along, I may do some more kissing! 🙂

This is the moment when my rose colored glasses are foggy!

22 Wednesday Jun 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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I have been writing, but I haven’t been posting. I normally write a post, step away from it for a little bit then I re-read and publish it. Lately by the time I reread it I feel the post no longer represents my feelings, or the opposite it is so honest it is painful, so I end up not publishing it all.

I don’t care about being a good writer but I care a great deal about being completely honest.  I also care about never forgetting how blessed I am, so it is very hard for this blessed self assured optimist to write about feeling unhappy.   What I have been writing about lately has me being portrayed as a victim.  oh poor me! There is nothing I hate more than playing the victim.

“You can either be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It all depends on how you view your life.” Paulo Coelho

At this rate I will never post anything again so, for better or worse, I decided to give you a summary of what all those unpublished posts were about.

  • Being unhappy at work.  Lately I am having a love-hate relationship with my work. I no longer feel comfortable there and want a change. By the time I re-read 3 pages about all that is going on at work I realized that it was the victim in me speaking. My job is the same and, although, some of the co-workers are different, their attitude are the same (demanding self entitled know it alls).  I am the one that changed.  I am probably just being more sensitive and a bit bored.

What I know is that being momentarily unhappy and uncomfortable can be a good thing. It can make me look around and see what else I could be doing. Looking around can show me that I have better than most people. I have a good job with a good salary and good perks. I am my own boss there. If I get another job I will probably have to deal with people telling me what to do.  Nothing worst for an Aries and Horse to be told what to do.

More than once last week I felt like quitting on the spot.  Mortgages and a credit line help me realize that I cannot afford to be impulsive.  Every job has good and bad, and mine is much better than most. Why throw that away?

Why just write and complain if I am not going to do anything about it? and immediately I start thinking of what to do.  I can improve myself in all areas so that when opportunities come knocking I am ready to answer.  I can also create my own opportunities instead of just waiting for it.  I can get my resume out to test the market, network, take classes, be more involved in my industry, improve certain functions on my day to day.

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” – Winston Churchill

  • Being unhappy with my body.  My hip hurts, I am addicted to sugar, my waist is not as noticeable as before, and the list goes on and on. Truth is my body is amazing and it looks great for all I put it through. I don’t do the hip exercises as often as I should. I eat so much sugar it is a wonder I don’t just melt every time I get under the shower. My 30 minutes on the elliptical machine is an absolute joke; it is just a walk on the park while watching TV.  So why just complain to you about that? Why try to justify to you the extra pounds? I know what I have to do. Writing pages about the unhappiness with my body is another way of avoiding doing what it needs to be done: more moving and less talking.

Start slow, be consistent. It is not a race. Ignore the little voices distracting me from the hard work. I am one of God’s amazing creations and I am perfect!

“To lose confidence in one’s body is to lose confidence in oneself.”- Simone Beauvoir

  • Being unhappy with some actions I want to take. One example: I want to see someone I know it is not for me. When I say “see” I don’t mean date, I mean meet, and if the mood is right take things further.  I crave intimacy.  I realized that in writing that, I really wanted you (the reader and friend) to give me permission. I wanted you tell me that it is okay to act in the moment, enjoy my body and forget about the consequences. How unfair of me to put you in that position, to either condone my actions or point the error of my ways.

I know better! I know that I am deserving of more. Amazing chemistry can be, well, amazing, but if there is no future it is just not for me. He is wrong but he is comfortable I know what I am getting into, I have been there before – The moment was amazing, the after was less so (and back then he was not kind of taken as he is now, he was just not right for me). I don’t need you to point out what a big mistake would be to revisit the past. Even though it would be exciting and fun, it would not be enough to make me forget my morals. There is also a little detail called “karma”. Knowing something is wrong and doing it anyway will definitely attract bad karma.  Why should I invite drama and not keep myself free from entanglements and open for the good to come in.

“it is impossible to build one’s own happiness on the unhappiness of others. This perspective is at the heart of Buddhist teachings.” – Daisaku Ikeda

  • I wrote about moments of total uncertainty, of so much doubt that I feel paralyzed. There are times I want to be rescued. I want a super-hero to step in and save the day, to show me the way, to guide me.   Do you realize how difficult it is for me to actually write that?

At the end of the day I realize only I can rescue myself. The guidance I need comes from God and the Universe and is already within me. I just need to be quiet enough to listen to it. I need to tune out the distractions, the little doubtful voices of uncertainty and focus on hope and possibilities.

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart.
…live in the question.” – Rainer Marie Rilke

Fear only appears to caution but not to paralyze me. Fear says: pay attention, this is important, so thread lightly. Troubles, problems, stress, uncertainty, discomfort, etc are all amazing sources to growth and wisdom.  I want to befriend my fears, talk to them, listen to them.  They have a lot to teach me.

Discomfort is also good to signal the need for a change. Nothing has ever been accomplished by people that were happy with status quo.

My list of unhappy posts goes on and on, but I gather from all this that my hesitation in posting certain things is because I don’t want to appear weak, depressive, lazy, needy, pessimistic.  In those writings I seek comfort and approval.  What an awful realization for someone so adventurous and self-assured like me .  Or is this weak thing the real me?

I am blessed and complaining feels ungrateful and unjustified. But still I am human, flawed, imperfect, wanting someone to hold me and tell me it will be okay.  In the end I am telling myself that I can have unhappy and weak moments but I don’t have to permanently stay there.  I can see those moments for what they are: lessons to learn, test of faith.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi

What once was so natural to me: my optimism, now takes a little effort.  But I am not afraid of challenges so I will embrace it all.  I will concentrate on the positive, will make a point of seeing the beauty in everything and, most important, be grateful for all. I am opening my door to discomfort, problems, stress, unhappiness and all else, as I know that in the lessons and rewards they bring are limitless.

I will not freeze, even if slow, I will continue moving.  I will continue forging ahead putting my heart and beliefs first.  God has my back and is my strength, what am I to fear?  Who am I to question that?

I will value myself and I will choose to be with people that value me and that make me feel good about myself. I give 100% and I am deserving of 100%, I am not settling for less, even for a moment!

I am not re-reading this, as I am already second guessing myself if I should post it. So please look past the typos and grammatical errors and take a dip in the murky waters of my mind.

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.” – Paulo Coelho

Pondering patience and the pursuit of passion

03 Friday Jun 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“Patience is power. Patience is not an absence of action;
rather it is “timing”
it waits on the right time to act, for the right principles
and in the right way.” -Fulton J. Sheen

Things have been a little crazier than usual for me.  My Mom is still in town so I am trying to spend as much time with her as I can, while juggling the rest of my life.

“I do not believe in taking the right decision, I take a decision and make it right.”  ― Muhammad Ali Jinnah

Being a landlord.   I had been running around trying to hunt my tenant down, finally I got the rent check.  She is supposed to move out (for the past 2 years) but she has been always too weak, sick or too busy to do it. She hasn’t lived there in over a year.

I have offered to help her with the packing, and I have helped a couple of times, but it is extremely trying for me. I like to get things done, to start and get it over with, but she works for 30 minutes and is done for the day until weeks go by and then she is ready to do it again.

She has fibromyalgia so I am sympathetic and I have been extremely patient but now I am losing it. She has been paying the rent (albeit with some coaxing) but it is below market and every month I am losing money.

“I do not believe in taking the right decision, I take a decision and make it right.” – Muhammad Ali Jinnah

Do I force her to get out or do I continue exercising patience? When do I know that enought is enough? Is patience a virtue?  Am I being virtuous or just afraid of taking action?

“Why is patience so important?”
“Because it makes us pay attention.”  – Paulo Coelho

Being an employee/employer.  I used to love my co-workers. Now I dislike a couple of them, specially one of them.  Work is not fun anymore.  The egos in some people here are appaling.

I hate cheap and childish men and I have got both here. I had some screaming matches with one of them that was acting childish and I called him on it. He was giving me the silence treatment instead of talking this and getting the matter resolved.   He thought I owed him $5.00 for pizza.  It was a misunderstanding that didn’t need to get this far.   The whole situation is laughable!

This guy got married.  All of a sudden he got the right clients and started making more money than he ever did in his life.  Those 2 events went to his head. He is totally changed.  He thinks he is a big shot now.

I keep trying to remind myself that this is business and since I am a partner here this person is bringing money to the company and, therefore, to me. That thought makes it a bit easier to stomach him.

Don’t get me wrong.  I have an amazing job. I get paid well and have all kinds of flexibility and perks.  It is just not fun to have someone giving you the silent treatment.  I don’t think any job is perfect and this situation presents all kinds of opportunities for lessons.  More patience and understanding in in order.

“The most pathetic person in the world is some one who has sight but no vision.”  – Helen Keller

Being sophisticated/stylish.  I m trying to dress better.  Not that I don’t dress well, but if you leave it up to me it would be jeans and t-shirt every day and since my job has no dress code it is very easy for me to do just that.

I feel better when I dress better. I guess everyone does. So I am making more of an effort.  I have so many clothes and it is sad and embarrassing to say that I probably use only 10% of my wardrobe.  The rest sits there from season to season with the hope of being used, and I continuously add more to the mix. (I also continuously donate items)

Paying attention to my appearance is a way of saying to myself that I matter, that I am important enough to spend more than 5 minutes getting ready in the morning.

“One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and, if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words.”  – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Extra pounds.  Speaking of appearance, I really do need to get my act together and lose weight.  It is not a lot that I need to lose but it is enough to annoy me.  It is also a reminder that I am not at my best and I am not really putting any effort into it.  I do 30 minutes of elliptical every day but that is about it.  Not enough.

No more excuses.  The 10 pounds I wanted to lose is now 20, I need to make sure that it doesn’t increase even more.

At the end of the day is all about my giving my all, my best, 100% to everything.  I know l haven’t been doing that.  I am just not passionate about anything lately.

I am looking into different classes from language to drink mixing to art history.  I need and want to exercise my mind, body and meet new people.

Wishing everyone a blessed weekend, filled with fun, rest and anything else your mind and body needs!

Feeling disappointed with myself!

17 Tuesday May 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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“Never be a spectator of unfairness or stupidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence.” – Christopher Hitchens

I am disappointed with myself.

I am disappointed I didn’t speak up when I witnessed injustice.

This happened on Friday when I took the train to go home.  I didn’t see the beginning of the exchange between the conductor and the 3 passengers. What I saw and heard was the train door beeping (signaling that the door is about to close) and the conductor yelling for 3 guys to get off of the train.

I was not sure what was going on but eventually I understood that the conductor was mad that, supposedly, one of the guys held the door open with his foot so his friend could get in.

The conductor was yelling that they needed to get off of the train. One of them did but the other 2 stated they did nothing wrong and moved up the train car and stood in the vestibule where they normally stayed. This was not my regular train but I had seen those guys before. They are Hispanic and work in construction in the city.

The conductor continued to berate them and, because by this time the train had already left the station, said that they would have to exit at the next station. They tried to talk to him and tell him they didn’t do anything wrong and the door just closed on them as they were boarding, but the conductor was not listening.

Even if holding the train door was illegal, which I am not even sure if it is, it doesn’t justify how rude and demeaning the conductor was treating the 2 men. Holding the train door open is something that every commuter has done at some point. I have, many times, sneaked in as the doors are closing and even stood at the door for somebody to get in.

In 16 years of taking the train twice a day I have never seen anyone being told to get off of train for that reason.

I felt this pang in my heart and gut that told me that the conductor would never behave in such a way towards someone that was better dressed and didn’t speak with an accent. I kept hoping that someone would speak up, but why couldn’t I do it myself? What was holding my voice inside?

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. – Desmond Tutu

I was also telling myself that I didn’t see the actual interaction in the beginning so perhaps there was more to it, but still I couldn’t imagine that anything would justify such rude behavior. I guess by that I was just trying to justify my silence.

When the next station approached the conductor stood by the door and yelled at them to get off and wait for the next train. One of the guys tried to beg him to stay saying that all they wanted to do was get home and they didn’t hold the door open, the door was closing as they got in. But the conductor was having none of that.  He just continued the yelling.  When one of them asked why they need to get off, he replied: “Because I told you so.  This is my train!”

Resigned they walked towards the door to exit.  At this moment a guy sitting across the aisle from me got up and said to them: Do not leave! You guys didn’t do anything wrong. Your only crime is not wearing a suit and tie! (he said that in Spanish, but I understood and agree wholeheartdly). He was, like me, probably an immigrant himself.

At this point I joined in and said I agreed.  I could have kissed that guy I was so happy that somebody had had the guts to speak up!

“Never be afraid to raise your voice for honesty and truth and compassion against injustice and lying and greed. If people all over the world…would do this, it would change the earth.” -william Faulkner

The 2 men knowing that they had support backed away from the door and said they weren’t leaving.  The conductor become even more irate and went crazy with the yellign and screaming.  He said he was going to call the police and that they were going to spend the night in jail.

After realizing that even with the threat of police they wouldn’t leave he walked firmly to the front of the car as if going to radio the police and saying they were going to spend the night in jail.

At this point I decided that if the police were to show up at the next stop I would say something. By now 3 African American women joined in to express their disgust at the way the conductor behaved.

I am happy to say that no police showed up and the guys exited the train on their stop with no other issues. I felt extreme relief.

Still I am disappointed I couldn’t speak up and only did so after someone had done first. Was it fear? It is certainly something that I need to work on. Sticking up for others shouldn’t be a matter of debate for me, I just need to follow my gut and do it.

What gave that conductor the the idea that he can treat anyone in such manner?

I was also disappointed that the only people that said something was the minority.  But why should I judge, if I couldn’t speak up why should I expect others to do so?

A somber thought crossed my mind: Trump.  It scares me to think how much power some people, racist and bigots included, would get if Trump was in power.  I feel a lot of them are already feeling empowered to behave in ways they wouldn’t otherwise.

God please watch over us and grant us strenght and voice to speak up when we see injustice no matter how small. Also please be kind and merciful to the poor souls that think they need to berate the weaker to fell strong.

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

 

I will never know what that was, but I know it was not real!

06 Friday May 2016

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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To continue from the last post:  The “perfect” man I was exchanging emails with told me his last name and ignored the question regarding his date of birth.  The last name was so generic that I couldn’t really find definite answers about him.

The feeling that I was talking to some kind of impostor intensified.

Because I am impatient and impulsive.  Because I cannot wait for things to happen.  Because I follow my gut.  Because I am so honest it hurts.  Because it was late at night and my bed was painfully empty.  For so many reasons I sent him the following email:

“In bed thinking of you…
The you that I created out of desperation and fear
Fearless me feared you would never come
So I created you
I created someone that would magically know how awesome I am
Someone that would appreciate my beauty without knowing what I look like
I created someone caring, intelligent, polite, funny.
I created someone to be my strength when I feel weak
I created someone to be my fan, supporter, confidant and lover
I created someone that wants me as much as I want him
I created someone not perfect, but perfect for me
The problem with desperate creations is that they one day end
Someone once told me that they thought I didn’t think myself worth of love as I seemed to push people that liked me away and seemed to go for impossible situations.
This here is an impossible situation.
You are not real. You don’t exist. I know it.
Still I dream about you every night as giving up on the fairy tale is not an option.
I know this is not real. I know you are not real.”

Of course 5 minutes later I had already regretted sending it.  My intent was to tell him that I knew he was a fake and that I was emailing with him not because he was fooling me but because of my forever search for that special one.  So even thought I knew he was a fake I continued emailing making room that one millionth to one chance that he could be the real thing.

I expected that he would do one of the following:
1) Reply as usual
2) Try to convince me how real he is
3) Never write again

After not writing for one day, he continued writing as if all was fine.  He continued giving me updates on his father’s stay at the hospital. He continued telling me how amazing and supportive I am.

I never replied again.

“Silence is sometimes the best answer” – Dalai Lama

I am still curious as to what was his endgame. What was his aim, or was he just happy emailing? Was just the daily morsel of attention he craved?  I can’t blame him.

I am not even mad at him, or frustrated or sad.  This is internet, this is craigslist’s territory so I am totally prepared and not surprised.   Buyer beware!   Each person that turns out not to be the one is bringing me one step closer to the right one, so I I don’t get discouraged.

I know some things one cannot search for.  Some things the more you search for the more elusive it becomes.  To me stopping the search means giving up.  Plus I enjoy the attention and entertainment.  I enjoy how much I get to learn about myself. I enjoy meeting people that otherwise I would never cross paths with.  I enjoy being pro-active.  I enjoy putting myself out there.  It makes me feel alive.

“Choose to be optimistic, it feels better.”  – Dalai Lama