Category Archives: Finding Me

Anything related to the discovery of the inner me

Always Grateful and Forever Hopeful

15 Friday May 2020

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I read the above quote and it really resonated with me and I wanted to share.

Past: I am grateful for all the lessons I learned.  Looking back it fills me with the feeling of accomplishment. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and there always things I would do differently, but I am ever so proud and grateful for everything in my past.

“The past beats inside me like a second heart.”― John Banville, The Sea

Future: I feel so blessed for having been gifted with vision.  I envision such an amazing future.  Each new day brings so much promise.  I could always see beyond the now, the today, and I see it with positivism and optimism.

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt

Above:  The strength I get from above sustains me.  It carries me when problems and stress weakens my legs. Knowing that I am never alone, and that no matter what I will always be okay is extremely powerful.  My faith is my weapon.

“Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into light.”
― Hellen Keller

Inner Being/Inner Peace: All answers, all solutions, peace, love and tranquility are all within myself.  There is no need to look elsewhere. The world can be chaos but I don’t have to let it affect me.  I can stop, breathe, get quiet and still enough to ground and center myself. Peace is within me, I am peace! 

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”― Albert Camus

 

Stop whining: Have some grace with that wine!

10 Sunday May 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“Our worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God’s grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God’s grace.”― Jerry Bridges

I love moving. I think it is the perfect chance to organize, clean up, purge, start anew.  This office relocation is the perfect opportunity for me to get this office to look and feel cozy.  In my old office I pretty much gave up trying to make it look nice. I have a second chance now.

There is a lot to contend with, but one way or another things are moving along.  There are electricians, phone techs, cable guys, computer, movers, building personnel, new building rules, etc.  

The old office is almost empty now.  There is just a couple of computers left that cannot be disconnected yet.  The new office needs a few more things before we can actually move in and start working there.  The new desks are arriving on Wednesday.  Optimum is already connected, waiting on Verizon now.  There are also several things I need to buy, such as a new fridge, indoor plants, a Nespresso machine, etc

It has been a juggling act trying get my regular job done while making sure everything about this move goes off without a hitch. I have been calling vendors to settle some bills and change our address.  It has been so frustrating dealing with some of them.  It takes forever to get someone on the phone.  When you finally get someone, they are quick to accept a payment over the phone or online, but to change our address I have to mail the request.  Not email, they want regular mail.  How antiquated and annoying is that?

After being on the phone for awhile with one woman that kept going around in circles and not really getting anything resolved, I was getting very frustrated and angry.  I was raising my voice and telling her exactly what I thought about her company.  Then I heard my own voice whispering to myself: Have some grace!

I paused and took a deep breath.  I calmed myself down.  I finished the phone call not getting anything done, realizing that some things are not the way I want no matter how much I argue about it.

Getting angry doesn’t accomplish anything, specially getting angry at the messenger.  So I am going to trying to have grace when dealing with others, specially when things are not going my way.

“Life is grace. Sleep is forgiveness. The night absolves. Darkness wipes the slate clean, not spotless to be sure, but clean enough for another day’s chalking.”― Frederick Buechner

On a brighter note, one of our new office’s neighbor stopped by while my boss and I were there waiting for the electricians.  He seems very nice and friendly. He is Italian with a heavy accent.  We went to see the office he shares the with his partner and an assistant.   He is a wine exporter and gave us wine as a welcome gift.  

“Grace has to be the loveliest word in the English language. It embodies almost every attractive quality we hope to find in others. Grace is a gift of the humble to the humiliated. Grace acknowledges the ugliness of sin by choosing to see beyond it. Grace accepts a person as someone worthy of kindness despite whatever grime or hard-shell casing keeps him or her separated from the rest of the world. Grace is a gift of tender mercy when it makes the least sense.”― Swindoll Charles R.

Wishing everyone grace in your actions and wine on your table! ♥♥

 

Surrounded by all kinds of angels

07 Thursday May 2020

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“[Saint Anthony] said, in his solitude, he sometimes encountered devils who looked like angels, and other times he found angels who looked like devils. When asked how he could tell the difference, the saint said that you can only tell which is which by the way you feel after the creature has left your company.”― Elizabeth Gilbert

My busyness continues.  On Monday I went to Manhattan to meet up with the movers to move some stuff to the new office.  While waiting outside there was a homeless man sitting on some boxes near the door.  He asked me to call an ambulance. 

I hesitated. He didn’t seem ill, but said that he had heart issues. I decided to err on the side of caution.  I called 911, answered a few questions and gave our address.  

While waiting, the man (I wished I had asked his name) said to me: “When I become a millionaire I will come back and make you rich”.  I said:  “I am already rich”. Before I could add anything else, he asked: “spiritually rich?”  I said: ” Yes, I am blessed beyond belief”!

When the ambulance arrived I met the first EMT and explained the situation. He said to me: “I got it”. He asked the man a few questions then ushered him to the ambulance.  As the man was turning to grab a bag with his belongings he told the man to leave it, that he would get it. 

I watched in awe as this EMT did his job with kindness and respect.  I was so impressed by this EMT’s demeanor.  I was humbled by the way he treated this homeless man.  My faith in humankind felt restored by that moment.

After that I got busy moving stuff.  I got home physically exhausted.  I often fool myself saying I am not getting involved and will just watch it.  I always end up doing more than everyone else.

***

I went to sleep at 10 pm. I woke up at one point and looked at my phone to see the time. It said: 4:44.  Even half asleep, the symbolism of the 3 matching numbers wasn’t lost on me.  It made me feel happy and blessed.  I remember making a mental note to look up the meaning in the morning, but I instinctively I already knew it was a good message.

In the morning I looked it up and confirmed it was indeed a good omen.  It means hard work and determination.  It means I am surrounded by my guardian angels and that I am in the right path.  I had mentioned here before how stressed I am lately with some financial issues I am dealing with and also in dealing with this office move.  It is comforting to receive a sign of support.

I believe in signs.  I believe in miracles.  I believe in my guardian angels.  I talk to them and thank them all the time. Seeing this sign gives me strength. It strengthens my already strong faith.

Talk to your angels! They are listening and ready to help.  All you have to do is ask.

 

#lbs Looking Back Sunday – “Prayers, Expectations, Hope and Love”

04 Monday May 2020

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There is #tbt Throwback Thursday.  That is when you post in social media something from the past, such as a picture in Instagram or something like that.

Today is not Thursday so I am calling this #lbs Looking Back Sunday.

Most of you know that I started my blog in early 2012 due to the unbearable pain I was feeling from having my heart broken.  Writing here allowed me to get the pain out of my heart. I credit this blog with saving my sanity.

It is odd to look back at some posts now.  In some posts I don’t recognize the writer behind the words at all; and in others it is if I just wrote it today. I guess Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr was right when he wrote: “The more things change, the more they remain the same”.

The post that I chose to start this #lbs series is “Of Prayers, Expectations, Love and Hope”.  It was written June 23, 2012.  It is crazy to think that I have had this blog for that long.

https://atomic-temporary-33385295.wpcomstaging.com/2012/06/23/of-prayers-expectations-love-and-hope/

I chose this one because it still fits, even after 8 years have gone by.  I still believe in the power of prayers, in hope and in love.  I still asks God for guidance, and trust where it leads me.  And of course, I am still fighting expectations.

I am no longer in touch with the person that I wrote about it in the beginning  of that post as “my favorite voice on the phone”. That person, who I thought could potentially be the one, was just a distraction.  Still I am thankful for him but chose not to continue with the friendship.

I hope that everyone reading this is safe, healthy, full of hope and self love.

Hope is not ignoring the darkness, it is the infinite belief that light always come.  It is believing that our inner light is stronger than any darkness around.

Life is beautiful. You are beautiful.  Everything passes.  Enjoy the moment! ♥♥

 

Be a honeybee and not a fly

25 Saturday Apr 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me, Youtube Videos

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“Where there is faith, fear cannot exist.” ― Radhanath Swami

Yesterday I came across the video below and it hit me like a slap on the face.  A good well deserved slap on the face. 

It seems that I had forgotten how to look, seek and focus on the positive and bright side of relationships, events and people. How disappointed I was to to realize that. I proudly represent myself as the most positive and optimistic person around and yet I was  only focusing on the negative actions of certain people. I was focusing on the flaws.

I have been struggling with certain business and financial issues, mostly due to people not following through on their obligations.  Waiting on people and being disappointed by them put me in a negative frame of mind.  While I don’t need to give them a free pass, I don’t have to let it affect my mood, my life.

Every time this situation comes to mind, which has been 100% of the time lately, I would focus my thinking on the people’s negative qualities and actions, or more aptly at their lack of follow through.

“If we understand the underlying cause of what we think of as bad in someone, instead of being hateful, we will be compassionate. For is not every soul inherently good? A saintly person will hate the disease but love the diseased.”― Radhanath Swami

At this point I cannot change the situation.  I have to wait and hope that people will act as they should, and yet I would catch myself getting angrier and angrier over the situation.  That anger set the tone for my entire day.  I was short with my sister and my boss.  I was just not a great person to deal with.

I watched this video and my thinking shifted.  I realized I was being a fly.  I decided to become a bee and refocus my energy on the positive.  Even though these people are not doing right by me at the moment, they have positive qualities also, even if I have to dig deep to find it. Every time this situation comes to mind I find something positive about the person and focus on that.

Shifting my thinking has not changed the circumstances and situation, but it changed me. It changed my day. There are still plenty of great things going on in my life.  There are still so many blessings that I was ignoring. Any time spent focusing on the negative is a waste of precious time.

This short video also helps us to be aware that we may be too hard on ourselves and only focus on what we consider our flaws and weaknesses.  Lets be more like the bee and seek and focus on the positive, the bright, the sweet.  

I wish you a sweet, safe and blessed day! ♥♥

Words from Albert Einstein – From Crisis to Change, Community, Caring and Contribution

17 Friday Apr 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Finding Me

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We often like to plan, to dream, but also to complain and do nothing.  Often we know what we want, we know what we need to do to achieve it, but we don’t want to get out of our comfort zone to go get it. 

Our routines both comfort us and imprison us. 

Things only change when we decide to change.  Often just making a decision is not enough. Often we don’t change unless we are forced to change.  Now is the perfect time to take a look around and most important take a look within and make the changes that you have been thinking and talking about it.

Are you still making excuses not to change?

“Let’s not pretend that things will change if we keep doing the same things.  A crisis can be a real blessing to any person, to any nation. For all crises bring progress. Creativity is born from anguish, just like the day is born from the dark night. It’s in crisis that inventiveness is born, as well as discoveries made and big strategies. He who overcomes crisis, overcomes himself, without getting overcome.

He who blames his failure to a crisis neglects his own talent and is more interested in problems than in solutions. Incompetence is the true crisis. The greatest inconvenience of people and nations is the laziness with which they attempt to find the solutions to their problems. There’s no challenge without a crisis. Without challenges, life becomes a routine, a slow agony. There’s no merit without crisis. It’s in the crisis where we can show the very best in us. Without a crisis, any wind becomes a tender touch. To speak about a crisis is to promote it. Not to speak about it is to exalt conformism. Let us work hard instead. Let us stop, once and for all, the menacing crisis that represents the tragedy of not being willing to overcome it.” – Albert Einstein

We are all here on a journey.  Each person having a different cross to bear.  If we can all just be extra kind to our fellow traveler.  If we can help each other along the way.  Our true merit is not on how much money we have in the bank or how in shape we are; our true merit is how we contribute to make this world a better place for us all.  

Changing the world starts with being kind to each other.  Could you be doing more? Can you be kinder?  Can you make somebody else’s life easier?  Sometimes just a smile can change a person’s outlook.  

Change yourself and the world will change.

“Strange is our situation here upon earth. Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to a divine purpose. From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: That we are here for the sake of other men —above all for those upon whose smile and well-being our own happiness depends, for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected by a bond of sympathy. Many times a day, I realize how much my outer and inner life is built upon the labors of people, both living and dead, and how earnestly I must exert myself in order to give in return as much as I have received and am still receiving.”― Albert Einstein

This is a time that makes me realize how we are all connected and dependent on each other.  I like being alone, but no man is an island.  We all need one another.  I am being helped by so many people that don’t know me and every day makes my life easier. 

There are so many people that are out there working, risking their lives and that of their families to make our lives better.   Some of those people have jobs that have been often looked down upon but that if they were not being performed society would turn to chaos and crumble. From the fruit pickers to truck drivers, from sanitation workers to delivery people, they are humbly contributing to make society function.  And for that I immensely grateful.

The invisible ones have now become visible and needed.

I am not taking anything or anyone for granted anymore.  I will pay more attention.  I will do more.  There is always more to be done.  There is always someone to be grateful to.

I am grateful for you.  For spending time reading my words!  Be safe and be blessed! ♥

“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” ― Albert Einstein

 

 

 

 

“Because paper has more patience than people. ” ― Anne Frank

12 Sunday Apr 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“I’ve found that there is always some beauty left — in nature, sunshine, freedom, in yourself; these can all help you.”― Anne Frank

Today I thought of Anne Frank.  She was a young girl born in Germany.  Later her family moved to the Netherlands to escape Hitler’s persecution of Jews.   When the Nazi occupied the Netherlands, her family had to go into hiding. 

For 2 years the family hid in a small attic. They were not able to go outside and had to remain quiet during the day.   While in hiding she wrote a diary.  That diary was later published.  She died young but her writings have survived 

I think about what she went through. Not only her, but everyone at the time of the Nazi occupation.  She was basically imprisoned, but she didn’t let her situation consume her.  She escaped in her writing.  She had hopes and dreams.  She planned for the future.   She still believed in the goodness of people and in love. 

If you want to read more about her, you can check the Anne Frank Museum: https://www.annefrank.org  and/or Wikipedia:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anne_Frank

Reading about Anne Frank, her story and writings inspires me and it helps me to keep it all in perspective.  Things can always be worst.  We still have so much to be grateful for. 

Our minds imprison us, not our circumstances.  Four walls is not a prison, our minds and thoughts dictate our situation.  The most important thing is kindness and respect. Kindness to respect and not to judge.  Kindness to help if you, and let it go if we can’t.

“It’s really a wonder that I haven’t dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.  I simply can’t build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery, and death. I see the world gradually being turned into a wilderness, I hear the ever approaching thunder, which will destroy us too, I can feel the sufferings of millions and yet, if I look up into the heavens, I think that it will all come right, that this cruelty too will end, and that peace and tranquility will return again.”- Anne Frank

Like her I am a dreamer, a planner, a believer.  I believe in an amazing future.   It is not only a belief, it is a certainty.  Tomorrow will always be better than today. That knowledge is comforting. 

Dream a little, or a lot.  Let your imagination soar.  Be whatever and whoever you want in your dreams.  Don’t limit your imagination.  Go as crazy and as wild as you can.

I also believe in the goodness of people.  People are good, they want to do good. There are heroes all around us.

“The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. As longs as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be. And I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles.”― Anne Frank

I try hard to remind myself to observe beauty, nature and the miracles all around us.  Nature is the best miracle of all.  Observing nature brings me close to God.  When I am not able to go outside, just looking at the sky from my window brings me close to nature. There is beauty and miracles all around.  All you have to do is look.

“Human greatness does not lie in wealth or power, but in character and goodness. People are just people, and all people have faults and shortcomings, but all of us are born with a basic goodness.”― Anne Frank

We are all the same.  We are all capable of great things but also capable of making mistakes.  Understanding that helps us be kinder, less judgmental and more forgiving of each other, and also of ourselves.

No one is perfect. Don’t expect perfection from yourself or from others. Don’t judge how someone chooses to spend their social distancing time.  Some people can handle it better than others.

Do what helps you get through at this time.  Do what brings you joy.  Do what brings you peace.  Dance, laugh, play.  Do nothing or everything and don’t feel guilty about it. Follow your heart.

“People who have a religion should be glad, for not everyone has the gift of believing in heavenly things. You don’t necessarily even have to be afraid of punishment after death; purgatory, hell, and heaven are things that a lot of people can’t accept, but still a religion, it doesn’t matter which, keeps a person on the right path. It isn’t the fear of God but the upholding of one’s own honor and conscience. How noble and good everyone could be if, every evening before falling asleep, they were to recall to their minds the events of the while day and consider exactly what has been good and bad. Then, without realizing it you try to improve yourself at the start of each new day; of course, you achieve quite a lot in the course of time. Anyone can do this, it costs nothing and is certainly very helpful. Whoever doesn’t know it must learn and find by experience that: “A quiet conscience makes one strong!”― Anne Frank

I thanked my mother today for giving my siblings and I such a great moral and spiritual base.  I grew up believing in good and wrong. I grew up watching acts of generosity.  I grew up believing in God, spirits, reincarnation, and the concept of karma. Those teachings have been a blessing in my life.

I hope you are safe and enjoying every moment of your life as best as you can!

… and because paper has more patience than people, I write 🙂

 

Some days I thrive and some days I just survive

04 Saturday Apr 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“It is not the most intellectual of the species that survives; it is not the strongest that survives; but the species that survives is the one that is able best to adapt and adjust to the changing environment in which it finds itself.” ― Leon C. Megginson

Leon Megginson was talking about business on the quote above but I think it fits in every area of life.  I am strong and intelligent but what will help me now is how quickly I adapt to my new normal.

I often say that I can adapt to anything, but at some moments I catch myself dragging my feet.  I realize I am going through the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Sometimes I go through all the stages in the same day and in different orders.

I am grieving my normalcy, my routine.  I am mourning my freedom.  The freedom of coming and going without worry.

Denial: At first it didn’t seem real.  Up to 2 weeks ago I was still going to the office every day.  Still taking the train as if all is business as usual.  Pretending or perhaps just trying to believe that all was fine.  Then I realized that I was not doing my part to help contain this virus.  I decided that only people that need to go out should go out. So I stayed at home. Denial helps us handle things slowly and on our own terms.  

I wonder if being sane means disregarding the chaos that is life, pretending only an infinitesimal segment of it is reality.”― Rabih Alameddine

Anger: I am angry for the loss of my freedom.  My anger is directed towards our leaders that don’t know how to lead. Trump has done what he always does: make excuses, blame others and say how well he is doing.  Bolsanaro, the president of Brazil is even worst. Changing his mind at every second, yelling at reporters, blaming the media, calling this pandemic a hype.  It is hard to feel safe and secure when our leaders behave in such a way.

“How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.” ― Marcus Aurelius,  Meditations

Bargaining: I have been doing a lot of that.  Every night when I pray I ask God to let me be the one to get the virus instead of any of my family members.  I am volunteering that if anyone in my family is supposed to get this virus, please let it be me and not my parents and siblings. If my family escapes unscathed I promised to live more and worry less.  I will have more fun. I will live more.

“When you’re lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you’ve just wandered off the path, that you’ll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it’s time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don’t even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.”― Elizabeth Gilbert

Depression:  Some days I can see glimpses of depression.  Some days it is hard to see light at the end of the tunnel.  The feeling of powerlessness overwhelms me.  At those times is when I have to tap deep inside and turn to gratitude.  To me, gratitude is the antidote to depressive thoughts. I realize that the light I look for is not at the end of the tunnel or in some other abstract point in the future.  The light is inside of me and it is here now.  

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Acceptance:  I accept the situation more than I rebel against it.  What is the alternative?  It is right here staring us in the face. Nowhere to hide, nowhere to escape.  Acceptance allows us to move on, to create new habits, to even find joy in our days. When we accept the situation we can start to see the future and to plan tomorrow.  I can accept but I don’t have to like it.

It is time to adapt, reflect, be patient and persevere.  I know I am blessed and have nothing to complain about.  But still, I remind myself that all my feelings are okay.  I don’t need to feel sorry or ashamed for feeling scared and defeated some days.  It is okay not to feel like a superwoman every day.  Some days I am just a frightened little girl, and that is okay.

For now I pray, I love, I say thank you. I am kinder and more patient.  For now I am trying to clean my house and my mind.  I am getting far from people (physically) and closer to God.

And this, too, shall pass.  And we will be stronger than ever!

“Your whole life is inside your mind.  Your mind is the prism that refracts the entire universe.  Everything around you and within you comes from your mind.  You are your state of mind.  Your state of mind creates your view, or your window, on life.”-  Frederick Lenz

 

Gratitude is my panic room

25 Wednesday Mar 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Daily Message, Finding Me

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“Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers
but to be fearless in facing them.

Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain
but for the heart to conquer it.

Let me not look for allies in life’s battlefield
but to my own strength.

Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved
but hope for the patience to win my freedom.

Grant that I may not be a coward,
feeling your mercy in my success alone;

But let me find the grasp of your hand in my failure.” – Tagore

This was my third day working from home. I feel out of sorts.  I am a creature of habit.  Without the routine I feel lost.  Working from a desk in my bedroom I am busy the whole day and yet I don’t feel productive.  

My comfort zone is my routine and the accomplishments at work.  As I battle these uncomfortable feelings I focus on the potential growth hidden in these feelings.  

I think that at the core of this discomfort is fear.  Fear of tomorrow’s uncertainty.  I like order and I like having an idea of what the future may bring.  Now it is hard to tell.

As I put these thoughts out in the open I feel embarrassed at my silliness and even entitlement. How dare I feel lost and out of control?

“Man is not to fight with other human races, other human individuals, but his work is to bring about reconciliation and Peace and to restore the bonds of friendship and love. We are not like fighting beasts. It is the life of self which is predominating in our life, the self which is creating the seclusion, giving rise to sufferings, to jealousy and hatred, to political and commercial competition. All these illusions will vanish, if we go down to the heart of” ― Tagore

Today I woke up in my cozy bed, in my big bedroom.  I woke up safe and sheltered.  I don’t have to worry about where my next meal is coming from.  If I miss a few paychecks life will not fall apart. 

If I catch Coronavirus I have insurance and I am in the US, where, although healthcare needs improving it is still much better and more available than in a lot other countries.

Although I worry about my elderly parents far away in Brazil I know they are being well taken care of by my brother.  I really have nothing to complain about.

Living in the US, specifically in NY state, it is easy to take everything for granted.  For so many around the world, and even here in the US, Coronavirus is not even a thought as their daily struggles are as basic as food, shelter, clean water, electricity, etc.   

Feeling lost because I am working from home is a luxury.  Many would give anything for a home and a job. That thought slaps me in the face.

“Perhaps the new dawn will come from this horizon, from the East where the sun rises; and then, unvanquished Man will retrace his path of conquest, despite all barriers, to win back his lost heritage. ” ― Tagore

I return to gratitude, a space that I inhabit well.  A place where I belong.   Gratitude grounds me.  It provides me with the perspective I need in uncertain times.

Although there are moments I forget,  I am blessed and I know it. And so are you.

Be safe, be grateful and be blessed!  Above all, be kind!

All the poems/quotes here are from Tagore.  In 1913 Rabindranath Tagore was the first non-European person to win a Nobel Prize for Literature. He was born in Indian 1861 and died in 1941. He was a poet and scholar. 

“Where the mind is without fear
and the head is held high,
where knowledge is free.
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments by narrow domestic walls.
Where words come out from the depth of truth,
where tireless striving stretches its arms toward perfection.
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost it’s way
into the dreary desert sand of dead habit.
Where the mind is led forward by thee
into ever widening thought and action.
In to that heaven of freedom, my father,
LET MY COUNTRY AWAKE!”― Tagore

 

 

Loves Trump, hates immigrants and is clueless about sex: not my match! (the mistakes I made and lessons I learned in this short-lived relationship)

14 Saturday Mar 2020

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, Finding Me

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This was written on Friday, 3/13/2020.  Sorry, another lengthy post.

My relationship with M was lukewarm, now it is dead cold.  Wake and burial details will be announced soon, for now I am explaining the cause of the death.  Last night was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.  Before I talk about last night, I want to state a few mistakes I made. The relationship was already showing ill signs from the beginning.

Even though he was always calm and gentle with me there was an underlining bitterness and negativity that I attributed to his stressful work.  I thought that once he retired, he would become more laid back.  Mistake no.1 – Thinking that he would change.  I know better than to think that I can change anyone but I thought my happiness and positiveness could rub off on him.  Circumstances change but people rarely do. 

“Even if you cannot change all the people around you, you can change the people you choose to be around. – Roy T. Bennet”

I thought that once he retired and had more time, we would be spending more time together.  We spoke and texted every day, but he seemed to be getting too busy or tired to get together. Mistake no.2 – Thinking that I was going to be a priority. If someone doesn’t make you a priority when they are busy, they won’t make you a priority when they have more time either.

“Action expresses priorities.” – Mahatma Gandhi 

Bluntly, sex was lackluster! It seemed promising in the beginning.  The chemistry was there so I thought that as we spent more time together things would heat up.  Mistake no.3 – Staying in a relationship that is so-so when I want/need fireworks.  I want scorching hot but was settling for lukewarm.  I have been waiting too long for the right person to just settle for uncertainty.  

“Sometimes I get real lonely sleeping with you.” – Haruki Murakami,  A Qild Sheep Chase

I knew he liked Trump so I avoided talking politics.  When talking about politics and also about his work he would get more agitated. He seemed bitter about being a cop for 20 years and dealing with crazy people and situations.  He blamed politics/the democrats/Obama for the issues at work, for the increase in crime in NY and the disrespect to police officers.  That was Mistake no.4 – Thinking that if I avoided certain things and subjects, they would not be a factor and/or it would go away.   Because I avoided talking about it, I didn’t know how much he really loved Trump. 

In the future I will not avoid certain subjects and things.  I will talk about whatever I want and address disagreements and difference of opinions head on and right away.  Knowing how to work through disagreements signals the potential of the relationship.

“The first duty of a man is to think for himself” ― Jose Marti

He seemed like a gentleman, hard-worker, honest, didn’t have much baggage.  He looked like the perfect match for me.  But as time went on bad sex and Trump love were dark clouds looming over my head. 

And then last night happened.

It was the 2 month anniversary of our relationship.  During his nightly call after some chit-chat we started talking about the coronavirus.  I asked his opinion about Trumps’ oval office address.  I knew it would be a touchy subject, but I was tired of walking on eggshells and was interested in knowing his opinion.  I somehow was still believing that he was capable of independent thought.

He said he didn’t really watch it.  I call bs on that.  Of course he saw it.  I said that I didn’t think Trump did a good job of reading.  I asked him if he knew why was the UK excluded from the travel ban.  Why was the UK an exception? 

He responded sarcastically: ” May be it is racism, because the Left says everything is about racism”.  I was shocked, not as much in what he said, but by his tone of voice and anger.  I didn’t really know how to reply to that.

Somehow my question and comment on Trump’s performance unleashed something in him.  He alternated between defending Trump and attacking, as he puts it, the Left.  I wish he was that passionate in bed.

“Men in rage strike those that wish them best.” ― William Shakespeare, Othello

I wish I could have recorded all he said. It included:  “What did Trump do?  Did he kill anyone?  Because people call him Hitler. That is ridiculous.  What about Obama?  Obama could kill people and no one would say anything.”

He kept going on and on about the fake media and terrible Obama. He was speaking fast, not giving me a chance to say anything, not that I would know what to say to all that garbage he was spewing.

I wondered why I was being attacked.  Finally I was able to get a word in. I wanted him to know that he didn’t need to go on and on because no matter what he said I would not change my mind. 

I said: “I respect your opinion but I didn’t like Trump before he was the president and I like him even less now.  My opinion is not going to change”. 

“Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.” ― Robert Orben

Before I had the chance to numerate the reasons why I don’t like Trump, he cut me off and said: “It is not about the president, it is about the country.  What about the country?  Do you like the US? Before I had a chance to respond, he added: What really makes me mad is the disrespect to the US specially from the immigrants.  If you don’t like here, leave.  Go back to where you came from.”

Dead silence from me!  I felt I was punched in the gut. I was too shocked to have a reaction.  He immediately said: “I don’t mean you”.

Really?  What other immigrant did he mean?  My face was burning by this point. But I chose not to reply to his stupidity with anger.   I chose to separate myself from the situation.  I took a deep breath and said: “Listen, I need to take a break. Let’s talk later” and I hung up.

By “later” I meant NEVER  And he knew it.

“The truth is, immigrants tend to be more American than people born here.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

I decided that it was best to save my breath and energy.  I realized in that moment that this is a person that I would never be able to be with.  Some of Trump supporters are incapable of having a civil discussion.  They are incapable of allowing for the man to be wrong. So they go on and on defending the indefensible and attacking whoever disagrees.   

Making such a comment to me regarding immigrants is hitting below the belt.  He intended to offend me.  Instead he just made me mad and aware of his ignorance.  This “go back to your country” rhetoric that Trump supporters use is just getting tired.   

“He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool.” ― Brigham Young

I am thankful that he showed me who he really is.  Actually,  I am grateful that I finally acknowledged who he is.  He has been showing me who he is all along, but I was not seeing.  I didn’t want to see it.  Mistake no.5 – I was selectively only looking at his good qualities.  I was focused on his potential and the ideal that I had in mind.   In the future I will look at the whole package instead of only on the positive and what I like.   

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” ― Joe Klaas, Twelve Steps to Happiness

As I have mentioned before I am not against people that voted for Trump.  I respect people’s opinion, and just wish that people would respect mine and not try to force Trump down my throat.

Why would men that have a problem with immigrants contact me on dating sites?  I specifically put it on my profile that I am one.  He is not the first one that has attacked me in such a way. 

“Life is a succesion of lessons which must be lived to be understood.”― Helen Keller

I have learned a lot with this relationship.  I am so grateful for the lessons.  In this relationship I have tried to be patient, keep an open mind and have no expectations. I feel freer and stronger for doing that but have learned that I need to find balance. 

I will:

  • Keep an open mind but will not betray my convictions and beliefs to just keep someone by my side. 
  • Be patient but will not wait around if the relationship is not going in the right direction or if the person is not who I thought he was.
  • Have no expectations but will not accept less than I deserve/want/need

Life is too short, my time is too precious and my energy too positive, to hang around stupidity, mediocrity and negativism.

I dodged a bullet and I know it. I am so grateful for my guardian angels for keeping me in the light, safe and aware.

To my readers that commented that they couldn’t deal with a partner that likes Trump I say: “You were right!  It doesn’t work!”.  You tried to alert me, but I had to learn the lesson myself. Thank you!

Be safe and healthy out there. Be cautious but not paranoid.

“You’re never perfectly safe. No human being on Earth ever is or ever was. To live is to risk your life, your heart, everything.” ― Rick Yancey,  The Last Star