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Learning to live without and with him!

Forgiving and trying to forget

19 Thursday Apr 2012

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This morning I was feeling at odds.  I didn’t know what to feel. I am close to Ex, we are spending this week together and I am seeing this as a big opportunity to find out how I really feel about living with him.

And I started remembering the things that I think he did, some I am sure and others I am just assuming. In the past thinking of those things would have made me mad, angry, cry, uncertain about the future, but today I did something different.

I let the thoughts flow in and out of my mind.  I stepped aside and didn’t try to put any weight to any specific thought. And what happened was amazing.  I realized that I don’t need to hold to past feelings and hurt, but I also don’t need to pretend they didn’t exist.  I can let them flow in and out without disturbing my core.

And I am forgiving, forgiving it all, what is real and what is imagined.  I am forgiving even if I am not being asked for forgiveness.  I am forgiving because forgiving makes me lighter, makes me happier.  Ex will have to deal with whatever he didn’t or didn’t do.

I read an Oscar Wilde’s quote the other day: “Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future” and I just loved it.  To me it says at all.  We all makes mistakes and we are all capable of good.  The present moment is the defining moment that we make a choice.  So who am I to pass judgement on anyone? Who am I to think that I have been caused some emotional harm and need to repaired?

I am but a human, capable of good and bad, and right now at this moment I am choosing to to just love and forgive, with tons of hope for forgetting.

Are you able to forgive and forget?

 

Constant Battle

17 Tuesday Apr 2012

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It seems lately that I have this internal battle going on.  It sometimes subsides and then all of sudden it rears its ugly head again.

The jealousy battle. Every time Ex doesn’t reply to my text or e-mail, every time he says that he is going to call and he doesn’t, every time for any number of reason I start imagining things and creating all sorts of scenarios in my mind.

But the whole point is that it doesn’t matter what he does or doesn’t do.  I know that we will never be a couple again. Yes we are friends and see each other every now and then, but I don’t foresee this being a lasting thing.

I am probably going against all reason and sanity still seeing him, and my excuse and explanation is that I enjoy it. And why should I deprive something that I enjoy, which is his company.  Why can I enjoy his company for what it is.

That is the real question, isn’t it?  Can I enjoy his company for what it is, just a good time.  Can I live in the moment and not think of tomorrow or yesterday?

That remains to be seen! I guess if I master that I will be the master of my own universe!!!

SMALL VICTORIES

16 Monday Apr 2012

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May be if I keep track of small victories they will make stronger to achieve bigger ones.

The victory in questions is the letting go of a friendship that was dragging me down, very one-sided.

This friend only came to me when he needed something.  When I needed him he would be too busy. The problem is that I would let go and then in a few months be in the same vicious cycle.

So last week I reached out to him and his email reply was short just telling me that he was working 80 hrs week on 2 jobs. Then he tried to find 30 mins to fit me in.  I am proud that this time I just said: concentrate on your jobs. He pushed a little, but I just ignored.

I miss him, but the amazing feeling of power over standing up for myself and knowing that I should not be treated that way is amazing.

Back from Brazil!!

06 Friday Apr 2012

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I have been back for a couple of days now and have been busy trying to get back in the swing of things and into a routine.

I am disappointed that I didn’t follow through on my plan of writing a trip diary. I took my notebook with me everywhere and at times it sat on my lap, but I didn’t manage to write for the date at the top of the page.

Eventually I will give you glimpses of my trips to Brazil, but for now I will talk about the present moment.  And the present has me too emotional to even write. It has been hard for me to sit down and write.  That is exactly when I should write and get my emotions and feelings out, but unfortunately that is also when I feel the least motivated to do so.

Of course the major cause of my mood fluctuations is Ex. Oh gosh, I give him so much power over me.  I am so smart and know that I have to take the power back. At times I feel I am making strides, and then this afternoon I crashed.

I need to snap out of it! That much I know!

Today I read something that I thought was beautiful and I sent it to Ex.

This is what I sent him:

"Smile, play, cry, kiss, die of love, feel, dream, yell and, above all,
live!

The end is not always final!  Life is not always real!

What passed isn't always in the past!

The present doesn't always stay, and today isn't always now!

All that goes always comes back. And if it returns it is because is made of
love!"

And guess what he replied 8 hrs later… he said thx.  He didn’t even bother to write the whole word. And after thx he went on to talk about Easter Sunday and how he may not be available to have a meal together. Of course it is a bunch of bs.

Does he believe his own bs? Well I don’t!  But I put up with! Why do I do it? Love? Self hate? Need to control?  Whatever it is I need to get to the bottom of it.

I have gone through this before: being stuck on a person that either doesn’t want me or it is not good for me.

I had promised myself that I was just going to love him, enjoy the moment and not expect anything. But still I expect, I expect miracles, I expect love and honesty.  I expect him to want, need, miss me. He doesn’t!! No one had to love me or want me, but don’t lie to me either.

The point is: nothing you do or don’t do, say or don’t say should not affect me. I can’t let it!

I am an amazing person with so much love to give. If Ex doesn’t want it, I am sure that there is somebody else out there willing to make me a priority in his life.  Ex has said that he loves me but that he has to focus on business and other matters on his life. Sure I believe in that as much as I believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny! Having a person you love next to you only helps. I would be such help and support to Ex, but instead he sent me packing! Still I love him and want him.

Keep tuned because you will see how I will come out out of it a better person. I know all of this will make me stronger and better. I will be better for the real partner in my life.  I know he is somewhere and I hope that he shows up sooner rather than later.

So I cried and I will cry again, but that is living and I choose living over dying any day!!

Stopping the insanity!

13 Tuesday Mar 2012

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I need to stop driving myself crazy over ex. I already know that ex doesn’t want me, well he wants me but once a week. So why do I get upset when he tells me he is getting together with the people at his gym?

ok, perhaps because there is that instructor there the insinuated herself to him.  Why does he tell me stuff like this? Is he manipulating me or he really is clueless?

At any rate,all this is besides the point.  The point is I need to take the power back. I keep giving him power over me. And his life is going on, like nothing ever happened, like I don’t matter, while I fall apart and try my best to behave and act normal and pretend I am thriving.

I need to do like I did with my boss.  He is the same sign as I am, Aries, and we are both stubborn.  But he is the boss, well, I am one of the partners here too, but since he holds the majority of the shares he is the boss.  Anyway, he used to make me cry often.  We used to get in heated arguments often.  One day I vowed to myself that if he ever made me cry again I would quit.  Since that day I never cried over work again. I stopped arguing.  I let him have the last word.  And I have to say that it feels amazing.  I have taken the power back and it feels incredible!

So now I just have to take the power that I gave ex to affect my mood. And I have to do it now! 

I have moments of obsession about him, and I know better. I know that we are over. I know that if we didn’t work while living in the same house we will not work now living apart.

Sad thing is I thought that we were doing well and happy! He was not!

He says it is better this way so he can focus on his work, focus on making his businesses successful again and work on getting his kids back (on this I will speak later… I will just say for now that it is one of the worst injustices I have ever seen, and I miss both kids terribly), and he needs to be single to do that.

Agreeing or disagreeing with that, I need to accept it and move on! I want to preserve the friendship.  But is it worth?

Remember I said I decided to just love and not worry about anything else.  I am going to put all my effort into just doing that.  And stop thinking too much about it.

If I am free and available and wanting I will see him, otherwise I will pass.

I will not ask what he is doing.  It doesn’t matter!

I will not ask with whom is he going out with. It doesn’t matter!

Nothing he does or doesn’t do will ever affect me again!

It will take careful policing. It will take stopping and breathing and not acting impulsively. It will take effort until it doesn’t anymore and it is just second nature!

He is doing nothing to me! I am doing to myself! So I will stop!! From now on, if he or any ideas about him come to mind I will say a silent prayer asking God to bless him and I will put him out of my mind.

I know I will succeed.  I have faith! I am strong! I will be so much better off for deciding to put myself first and stopping the insanity!

Here is to me and my amazing bright future that starts today!!!!

I love me!!!!

 

There are no victims here!!!!!

12 Monday Mar 2012

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I find myself alone… and I have to sit still with that thought.  I have to say it aloud and wait until that thought leaves the room!

It is a numbing feeling, but I feel better just acknowledging that fact!

Now that I recognize it and own it, I have nothing to do, but move on.

Yes, I have my “victim” moments.  My moments of looking around and comparing myself to others, others that seem to lead such great, busy fulfilled and fun-filled lives. Moments of looking back and comparing to where I was not too long ago.

Today I had such a moment.  I went to the neighboring town tennis courts to hit on  the wall, and I get there and somebody is there using the wall.  So I sit and wait and watch people playing on the courts.

I used to live in a house with a private tennis court and swimming pool, with a man that enjoying instructing and playing with me, and now I sit here with no one to play with and wondering if I will be booted out for playing on the wall when I don’t even live in  this town.

At moments like this where I start missing what I had and tears start to well up in my eyes I have to make a choice: Do I run home and get under the covers and cry my eyes out hiding from the world, or I just face my new circumstance head on and move on.  And I choose the latter. And already feel stronger for making that choice!

I do choose to look at the fact that I am better off for having known ex. I have learned a lot with him. I choose to thank God for having allowed me to benefit from a beautiful house with pool and tennis court. I thank God for allowing me to be part of ex and Chiefy’s lives for almost 3 years. I am going to rejoice on the memories I had and all I did and learn with and from him. I choose not to cry (well at least try not to) over what I no longer have.

Sitting on that park bench today, deciding to go home or sit and wait for the wall to be available, I said to myself: Moments like this, when you feel lonely and alone; when you feel sorry for yourself for not having anyone to play tennis with, when you vividly remember the clay court you once had at any time you wanted, those are the moments that shape you and make you stronger.  These are the important choices in life. Take control of your life and live and enjoy the small moments.

The person using the wall left. I felt such happiness facing that wall.  Thank you God for giving me this incredible soul and mind.  For allowing me to rejoice on simple moments such as this.

I will try to chase away the feelings that nag at me, such as not having taken advantage of all I had, and now I want so much!!

So I attacked that wall as if my life tempted on, and I had a great time.

As I sit here with ice on my back I have learned another lesson: the need to warm up and not over do it!!!

Date with ex!!!

09 Friday Mar 2012

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I can’t lie I am very excited about seeing ex tonight. We will probably go out for a bite, come back to my apartment, I will make my delicious popcorn and we will watch a movie.  Of course there will be sex at one or various points during the evening.

I am giving myself permission to enjoy ex and his presence.  I know everyone, and I mean everyone disagrees with me and thinks I am setting myself up for heartache.  Well, my heart I already broken.  When I was moving out of ex’s house I though I was going to die, that is how painful it was.  There will be no other pain like that. I was a basket case, calling my sister, that lives in another country upwards of 10 times a day.

So now, I see as enjoying the calm after the storm. I braved through the storm, why not enjoy the calm?

to be continued …

3 YEARS TODAY???

07 Wednesday Mar 2012

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Today it would have been 3 years together. The ex corrected me on a text the other day saying that is not” would be” but “are”.  Are? Are we still together? I guess we have different ideas of what it means to be together.

When you hint (well, more than hint) that I should move out and I do, we are not together!

When we see each other once a week when you have time, we are not together!

When you warn me that you are not doing anything for Valentine’s Day, no flowers, no card, no dinner, we are not together!

When I am not first, second, third, fourth or fifth in your priority list, we are not together!

What I am is convenient! I am here for when you need/want!  The sad part is that I am better than that!  But right now I feel I don’t have the strength to change anything.

I decided to just love and make no judgement about anything.  I have to be honest that deciding to just love has been freeing.  It has made me lighter.

On this 3 year anniversary would be, I thank God for the time ex and I spent together. I thank ex for all he taught me and all he introduced me to. Thank you ex for the trips you have taken me to.  thank you for introducing me to tennis and skiing.  Thank you for treating me like a Princess (well until you didn’t anymore).

I have no regrets of our time together.  I have no regrets of ever loving you and for loving you still! I will love you forever.  I am trying to move on as best as I can. I am trying to hold it all together. I thank God for the good memories that I will cherish forever.

May we be able to remain friends, supporters and fans of each other.  May my heart not turn to stone, but become so huge and soft that will encompass all!

From my heart and soul I wish you ex all the best, may God guide you and open all the doors that have remained stubbornly closed.  I wish you find what you are looking for. I wish you happiness, contentment, harmony and peace!!  With love for all that to be with me, but perhaps the Universe has other ideas, so please be happy and send the world happiness!!!

****

What I really wanted today was to receive flowers from him at my desk. What I received was a text saying “Happy 3 yr anniversary, wish we could be together more”.  Not that I want to be picky, but where is the “I love you”??

Come on, Miss Blessed, you said you decided to love, so just love and be grateful you got that and move on!!! Just breath!!!!!!

****

I knew that today would be a major difficult day.  The anniversary coupled with PMS, and is also Chiefy’s birthday.  Chiefy is the ex’s dog.  I came to love and care about that dog like I never cared about any creature before. Today, and actually, any time I think of him (which happens on a daily basis) I say a prayer to Saint Francis – the patron saint of the animals.

Today Chiefy, on your 8th birthday may God protect and guide you. May Saint Francis be always watching you! May you have long health, shiny coat, water, food and warm bed.

I love you Chiefy!!

Sunday, Sunday

05 Monday Mar 2012

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I think I have ADHD. I have so many plans and ideas, and want to start them now.

It will be 1 month on March 7 that I have moved out of ex’s house and into a tiny apartment.  I am still adjusting.  I think it will take awhile to really be comfortable with being alone.

Anyway, I need to find things to occupy my time, so I don’t think.  I need to busy myself. So I am looking into classes, volunteering, anything I can think of that will keep my mind occupied.

On March 7 it would have been also our 3 year anniversary!!! I can’t believe that I still have tears left. All I want is one day without crying and feeling sad. I know this is for the best, but it is hard to let go of the dream, the fairy tale. I have to remember that the Universe, God has a plan for me.

This post is all over the place, I guess I should have an idea before I start typing.

Today I got my hair cut and blow dried straight.  I haven’t used my hair straight in a long time.

I just did my nails and toes this evening.  Feels good to take care of myself again.

****

I forgot to mention something on the post yesterday.

My seat mate on the bus while talking to me, opened her purse and took 2 cell phone out and said these are my Obama phones.  I said: what? she repeated: Obama phone.  She explained to me that people on disability and welfare get free cell phones with 250 free minutes on it.  I have never heard of that before! Have you?

I am not sure how I feel about that!

****

Another messy post. But I want to make sure that I post everything day. I will learn as I go along.

Aha at the Casino

04 Sunday Mar 2012

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Decided to the casino today. I received an email from Foxwoods offering me a Brookstone Flip Speaker Dock, so decided it was worth taking a 2 hour bus drive to go get it. It was also a good chance for me to see where the bus stops right here in my new town and to take a test drive before my Mom comes to visit and I take her.
I always said that I could seriously become a gambler, I definitely have an addictive personality. So I have made a conscious effort to just go when I taking Mom.
Moving on,
I, at 46, was the youngest person on the bus. The is a certain air of despair in the bus. Looking around I am thinking that most before here should not be going there.
My seat mate, she chose me because there was a lady the she didn’t want next to her. She is recovering from lung cancer. Great opportunity for me to realize how blessed I am to have my health!
*****
let me digress a little bit, before I forget, let me tell you about last night. The ex texted and seemed to be hinting that he wanted to come over. I am happy and proud of myself that I have made a decision to just love, love as much as I can, whenever I can. And by that I mean, I am not going to play games, even though I am tempted to no reply to texts or call, to pretend I have things to do, places to see and I am too busy for him, when in truth I am never too busy for him!

Progress, small hints of progress, at least in my mind…deciding to love…
****
continuing with the casino, I will not bore you with the details of casino and slot playing minutiae.
I wanted to tell you about an aha moment I had.

It was this same casino in October that I was on the phone with ex, begging, crying, yelling for him not to go this Tantra workshop he was going to. He “forgot” to tell me that he was going to stay at hotel the whole weekend. Anyway, I was not happy with the idea. I will expand on that later on another post.
Anyway, in walking along the same corridor that I did while with him on the phone, I was getting very sad and nostalgic and thinking a lot of “what if”. What if I had been more understanding, would we be together still? Perhaps I would never have moved out. I was about to start crying and I turned my head and looked towards the trees outside. And something clicked, something caught my attention:
the trees were mostly bare, leafless, except for this one tree that had several stubborn leaves. The leaves were moving a lot from the wind hitting them, but they would not fall, and I thought to myself:
It is true, nothing happens on this earth if God doesn’t intend to. Not a leaf fall from a tree if that is not the wish of God.
At the moment I realize that no matter what I did or didn’t do, this is where I should be right now. This is how the Universe wants it, for my own good and growth. There is a reason for everything. I may not know at the moment what the reason is, but somewhere, sometime down the road I will raise my eyes to the sky and whisper: will knew best!
It became clear to me that right now I need to have faith, unshakeable, unlovable faith! I need to trust!
Another lesson from the leaves is that no matter how much the wind hit them they hung on. They were doing their job, they were being leaves.

I will be posting a picture of the tree and leaves later.
**
right now watching a movie: Breaking and Entering”. will let you know if I like it.

Until then have faith and decide to love!