I have been back for a couple of days now and have been busy trying to get back in the swing of things and into a routine.
I am disappointed that I didn’t follow through on my plan of writing a trip diary. I took my notebook with me everywhere and at times it sat on my lap, but I didn’t manage to write for the date at the top of the page.
Eventually I will give you glimpses of my trips to Brazil, but for now I will talk about the present moment. And the present has me too emotional to even write. It has been hard for me to sit down and write. That is exactly when I should write and get my emotions and feelings out, but unfortunately that is also when I feel the least motivated to do so.
Of course the major cause of my mood fluctuations is Ex. Oh gosh, I give him so much power over me. I am so smart and know that I have to take the power back. At times I feel I am making strides, and then this afternoon I crashed.
I need to snap out of it! That much I know!
Today I read something that I thought was beautiful and I sent it to Ex.
This is what I sent him:
"Smile, play, cry, kiss, die of love, feel, dream, yell and, above all, live! The end is not always final! Life is not always real! What passed isn't always in the past! The present doesn't always stay, and today isn't always now! All that goes always comes back. And if it returns it is because is made of love!"
And guess what he replied 8 hrs later… he said thx. He didn’t even bother to write the whole word. And after thx he went on to talk about Easter Sunday and how he may not be available to have a meal together. Of course it is a bunch of bs.
Does he believe his own bs? Well I don’t! But I put up with! Why do I do it? Love? Self hate? Need to control? Whatever it is I need to get to the bottom of it.
I have gone through this before: being stuck on a person that either doesn’t want me or it is not good for me.
I had promised myself that I was just going to love him, enjoy the moment and not expect anything. But still I expect, I expect miracles, I expect love and honesty. I expect him to want, need, miss me. He doesn’t!! No one had to love me or want me, but don’t lie to me either.
The point is: nothing you do or don’t do, say or don’t say should not affect me. I can’t let it!
I am an amazing person with so much love to give. If Ex doesn’t want it, I am sure that there is somebody else out there willing to make me a priority in his life. Ex has said that he loves me but that he has to focus on business and other matters on his life. Sure I believe in that as much as I believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny! Having a person you love next to you only helps. I would be such help and support to Ex, but instead he sent me packing! Still I love him and want him.
Keep tuned because you will see how I will come out out of it a better person. I know all of this will make me stronger and better. I will be better for the real partner in my life. I know he is somewhere and I hope that he shows up sooner rather than later.
So I cried and I will cry again, but that is living and I choose living over dying any day!!