Category Archives: EX Files

My favorite topic: ex
Learning to live without and with him!

After the Hurricane

13 Wednesday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

, , , , , ,

He was a hurricane!

I was going to call him a tsunami, but I dont want to give him too much credit either!

He leaves destruction in his wake.  After him nothing is the same.

How does a hurricane happen? Did I miss the warnings?  Did I think that it was just a little wind? No matter!  All of a sudden it sweeps you up and before you know you are in the middle of it holding on for dear life.

Hurricanes shake you up, often leaving one homeless, powerless, pet-less, faithless.  But the good thing with destruction, if there can be said that there is a good thing, is that  after destruction one gets to rebuild life. After a tragedy one is not the same and cannot stay in the same place.  Among the ashes, among the crumbles, one gets to discover what he/she is really made of.

You end up losing a life you knew.  You lose the you that you thought you were!  There is the before and the after the hurricane.  There is nothing you can do to change “before the hurricane” but “after the hurricane” is yours to mold any way you see fit.

You get to make choices: Where to build, how strong to build, do you want a fence, what color to paint, you get to hurricane proof your house and you any way you wish.  You get to reinvent yourself!

Sure you wish the hurricane had never happened, but you have to learn to accept certain things as acts of Gods, acts of nature or perhaps just life lessons and learning experiences that happen for a reason perhaps later revealed when you are wiser and ready to see it and accept it.

You also have to accept your role in it! Did I do anything to contribute to this?  Was I behaving in a way that made it easier to attract a hurricane?  Did I encourage the hurricane? Could I have in anyway avoided it? Had I become so weak that a simple wind had effect of a hurricane? Only by looking for and accepting my role in the situation will I be able to make sure that the events and patterns do not keep repeating themselves.

The calm after the hurricane is invisible, it is silent, it is scary.  Did I survive it? Did it really end it? Then there is despair and what you make of it! From the depth of despair you find hope and compassion. From the depth of despair you find beauty and freedom.  From the depth of despair you find you!

You have forgiven the hurricane! You have even thanked him for the lessons he taught you! You move on!

If anything you can just pat yourself in the back, beat on your chest and say: I survived a hurricane!

Well, perhaps my t-shirt is not ready to say: “I survived a hurricane!” Perhaps it can only say: “Finding ways to rebuild!”

One more step towards freedom, liberty and the pursuit of happiness

11 Monday Jun 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, Dating, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ 29 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

I am happy because I choose to be happy.  It is a daily choice! Sometimes is a daily struggle.

Today is a struggle!

Since moving out of Ex’s house he has been calling, e-mailing and texting, mostly to say hello or something trivial,  but sometimes also adding that he is thinking of me, missing me and loving me.

Do I believe that? No! If he loved me I would still be there.

I have been trying to remain friendly as I do not believe in harboring resentments and being angry and enemies with anybody. But it is not working.

Every time he gets in touch it hurts me, it is a constant reminder that I still have feelings for him.  It reminds me that I still don’t know the reason why it ended.

Also at least once a week he used to invite me to dinner.  I have asked him to stop inviting me to dinner, which he obliged.

I have not asked him to stop getting in touch with me because we have one financial deal that will end in July and I didn’t want to make waves until then.

That was until now!  I cannot take it anymore.

I don’t care if I lose money anymore! I want my sanity! Just 5 minutes ago I called him and asked him to stop contacting me and only get in touch in July.

This afternoon he had sent me a picture of him wearing a shirt that we got on our vacation in Thailand saying he was thinking of me.  I completely fell apart.  He also mentioned looking at our skiing trip’s pictures.  I remember those trips,and many others,  the happiness, and how we seemed so perfect together.

I asked him to stop playing with my heart, stop playing games, stop getting in touch with me.  It infuriates me that he seemed shocked by my reaction, he seemed hurt and confused by my wanting to forget him.

It kills that he thinks that is perfectly normal to be dating someone (he confirmed he is dating someone, not the same person that he was dating at the time we broke up, he already moved on from that one or perhaps she wised up quickly) and still be calling me and saying he loves and misses me.  How can he not see how much that hurts me?

How can he think that that is normal? It is amazing his ability to make me feel like I am the one that is not being reasonable.

For the record he has maintained that we cannot be together because he has to concentrate on all his businesses and volunteer work and cannot be the boyfriend/partner I need him to be.  He says some of his businesses are in jeopardy and he cannot protect me. Bunch of bs as far as I am concerned. Disingenuous at best.

So I was lying in bed crying and realized that that was not helpful so now I am sitting and crying- lol

I cannot wait for the day that I will look back and laugh at all this!

I am trying to look at the good side, I am trying to find the good side. I am happy I took a stand and right now don’t care if I ever hear from him again (I so want to believe those words!). I guess deep down inside perhaps I still had hopes. I never thought I would say this, but, sometimes hope can be a dangerous thing!

Your love is not worth 1.99

13 Sunday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

, ,

In talking to my mom today, she really wanted me to hear the words to a song that is very popular in Brazil right now.

The song is theme for one of the new soap operas.  Soap opera in Brazil are huge.  They are shown on prime time tv and the majority of the population stop what they are doing to watch it.  It dictates fashion and other cultures.

Anyway, I couldn’t resist, I had to to post the song, and here it is, please forgive my loose translation, but I think you will get the point.

Ex My love (the actual name, not translated)
Gaby Amarantos

My love was real
yours was pirated
My love was made of gold
yours of a piece of tin

My love was river
and yours couldn’t even form a thin cascade
My love had pedigree
yours was simply a mutt

Ex my love, ex my love, if I put your love on the window
it will not be worth 1.99


Meu amor era verdadeiro,
O teu era pirata
O meu amor era ouro
E o teu não passava de um pedaço de lata

Meu amor era rio
E o teu não formava uma fina cascata
Meu amor era de raça
E o teu simplesmente um vira-lata

Ex my love, ex my love, se botar teu amor na vitrine,
nem vai valer 1,99
Ex my love, ex my love, se botar teu amor na vitrine,
nem vai valer 1,99

***

I couldn’t have said it better!!! lol

Enjoy your Sunday everyone, Pilates here I come!!!

No to you and yes to me!

12 Saturday May 2012

Posted by in EX Files, Finding Me, Poetry

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

It feels good saying no

and for the first time meaning it

not having even a second of doubt

 

Your invitation is insulting

it says nothing is changed

when nothing is the same

 

it feels good saying no

when just a week ago I would have said yes

It feels good saying no to you

and saying yes to me

 

when I said no to you, I said yes to:

Do I deserve honesty?

Do I deserve respect?

Do I deserve loyalty?

Do I value me?

Yes, yes, yes and yes

 

When I said no to you.

I said yes to me!!

Let me be

11 Friday May 2012

Posted by in EX Files, Poetry

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , ,

Please Let me be

Don’t call

Don’t text

Don’t e-mail

Don’t mention my name

Don’t think of me

 

Let me be

Let me do what I am doing

Let me take one day at a time

Let me pickup the pieces I am in

Let me try to be whole again

 

Right now the past still haunts

And the future is taking too long

Right now I cry and laugh

not knowing there is a difference

 

My soul still breaks

Hope tries to peek through

At the sight and thought of your name

My heart stubbornly thinks ‘what if’

 

But since you don’t want me

Please have pity on this old soul

If you don’t want me

Please let me be!

Flowers to Moms!

11 Friday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

, , ,

So, Mother’s Day is around the corner and even though we should honor our mother’s every single day, Sunday is a day that we must make sure to be extra special for them.

My sister is in charge of getting my mom flowers.  My mom is in Brazil now with the rest of my family, so that means that my sister is on duty as far as making the day special for our mom.  Thanks Heaven for my sister!

Now comes the issue of my Ex-mom-in-law. I love her like a mom and it is not because her son and I are no longer together that all of a sudden my love for her disappeared.  So after pondering the entire last night, I decided to go ahead and send her flowers like I used to do every year.

Once I made the decision to send the flowers – and I was so happy that my sister agreed with me completely, I am at peace!  Love wins again!

To all mom’s have a wonderful Mother’s Day!

Good Bye Ex-Mom-in-Law!

08 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by in EX Files

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

So Ex’s mother is leaving tomorrow.  I didn’t feel comfortable calling her – not even sure why, as I just saw her on Saturday and had a great time together, so I just e-mailed wishing her a safe trip.

When she arrived here 3 weeks ago, she was under the impression that all was fine that Ex and I were still together even though I had moved.  She was under that impression because he said that to her.

I have no idea why he would mislead her this way. But one day 2 weeks ago I made to sure to let her know some of what went on.

I don’t expect her to believe everything I said.  I know how most mothers are with their sons.  My mother is the same way with my brother.  They put them in a pedestal and refuse to believe anything else.

But anyway, it just pains me to have the relationship I had with her change.  I love her and treated her the same as I treat my mother – with respect and kindness.  When she arrived she was talking about my spending a weekend in June with her for a girl’s weekend. She hasn’t said anything now.  I also didn’t bring it up.

Ex is bound to be introducing her to a new girlfriend – if he didn’t already do so. So,I think it is unfair of me to try to still be in her life.  Nothing has changed as far as my love for her, but as I am learning, sometimes you have to learn to love from afar.

I guess this is a great chance for learning. Learn to detach from things and people.

Today I woke up singing

05 Saturday May 2012

Posted by in Daily Life, EX Files, Finding Me

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , ,

Today I caught myself singing a Brazilian song written by Chico Buarque de Hollanda in 1976.  It is called “Olhos nos Olhos” “Eye to Eye”

and here is the part I caught myself singing:

Olhos no olhos, quero ver o que você faz
Ao sentir que sem você passo bem demais
E que venho até remoçando
Me pego cantando
Sem mais nem porquê

Here is my loose translation:

Eye to eye, I want to see what you do
When you realize that without you I live very well
that I am even getting younger
and I catch myself singing
For no reason at all”

**

Amazing how, unconsciously, that is where my mind is.  Me, that never sings would wake up singing that song, that part is to me a sign.  A sign of growth and recovery and happiness.

Thank you God and Universe for the rehabilition of my cells, to the the renewal of each day, for the knowledge, experience and certainty, that this minute was better than the one before and that the next minute will be even better.

***

Here is the whole song and my loose translation:

Quando você me deixou, meu bem
Me disse pra ser feliz e passar bem
Quis morrer de ciúme, quase enlouqueci
Mas depois, como era de costume, obedeci
Quando você me quiser rever
Já vai me encontrar refeita, pode crer
Olhos no olhos, quero ver o que você faz
Ao sentir que sem você passo bem demais
E que venho até remoçando
Me pego cantando
Sem mais nem porquê
E tantas águas rolaram
Quantos homens me amaram
Bem mais e melhor que você
Quando talvez precisar de mim
‘Ce sabe a casa é sempre sua, venha sim
Olhos nos olhos, quero ver o que você diz
Quero ver como suporta me ver tão feliz

translation:

When you left me, my dear
You told me to be happy and be well
I wanted to die of jealousy, almost went crazy
but later, as I was used to, I obeyed

When you want to see me again
You are going to find me renewed, you better believe
Eye to eye, I want to see what you do
When you realize that without you I live very well
that I am even getting younger
and I catch myself singing
For no reason at all

and so many things have come and gone
so many men have loved me
more and better than you

When, perhaps, you will need me
you know the door is always open, do come
eye to eye, I want to see what you say
I want to see how so you stand to see me so happy

****

Is there a song that you find yourself singing for no reason?

 

You

04 Friday May 2012

Posted by in EX Files, Fiction, Poetry

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , ,

I imagine you

I met you

I dream you

I see you

I breath you

I wake up you

I go to sleep you

I eat you

I drink you

I walk you

I talk you

I think you

I love you

I lost you

I never had you

I miss you

I try to forget you

 

oh Pleeease!!! Your love is worthless

03 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in EX Files, Finding Me

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , ,

so Ex has sent me a couple of texts, saying that I looked sexy last time he saw me and trying to invite himself over, to which I told him the truth, which he doesn’t really deserve, but telling the truth is how I choose to live, here is my e-mail reply:

“I am hurting (well, you know that), still crying over the loss of “us” every single day

 I looked the other way so many times, with D. I pretended it was not happening, but celebrating anniversaries with M. was just the nail on my coffin

 I can’t understand what have I done to deserve this from you

 Right now praying every day to preserve our friendship and the love that I still feel for you and that you never had for me”

Here is his reply:

“I love you very much

 Always have, always will

 I know that we reached a point that I was unable to be the person you wanted me to be

 Perhaps at some point I may be able to

 You can and do think a lot of things, but never think that you are not loved and though about every single day of my life, many times”

Can you believe this reply?  I guess that worst than a person lying to others is a person that lies to himself. Is either that or he is a total psychopath.

So I am not even bothering replying anything at this point, because, obviously he wouldn’t know truth and honesty if came up and bit him in the face, but let me just point out the obvious on his reply:

He says he loves me very much.  Words are cheap and easy.  His actions do not demonstrate that.

He says that he was not the person I wanted him to be. Amazing how he turns it around like I was the one unhappy one and the one with problems. But I guess in a way he is right, I wanted a man I could trust.  I wanted an honest man, that would be faithful, and that would think that I alone was good enough for him. I wanted a man that could keep it in his pants.

He says: perhaps at some point I will be able to (be the person I want him to be).  Sorry that ship has sailed.  After trying, trying and trying some more, I had to face the truth that he just doesn’t want me. But it is really clever how he tries to keep me going with promises of a future. How he keeps dangling the carrot in front of me.  Sorry, that carrot is no longer appealing.

He says: that I can think of many things except that I am not loved and thought about daily.  Funny freaking way of showing his love.  Lets count the ways: 1)by having all sorts of women coming to the house, 2)taking all sorts of women on dates, 3)by lying to my face many times, including saying that he wanted to be alone to focus on his business and children, 4)by saying that he was not doing anything for me, with me on Valentine’s Day because he didn’t want to send me the wrong message, 5)celebrating anniversaries with at least 1 woman, yep on the 22nd of May it will be 2 happy months with M., and so many other ways the loves and thinks of me daily, but I will not bore you with anymore details.

YES, HE REALLY LOVES ME!!!

please remind me: why am still trying to preserve a friendship with him??