This was written on Friday, 3/13/2020. Sorry, another lengthy post.
My relationship with M was lukewarm, now it is dead cold. Wake and burial details will be announced soon, for now I am explaining the cause of the death. Last night was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. Before I talk about last night, I want to state a few mistakes I made. The relationship was already showing ill signs from the beginning.
Even though he was always calm and gentle with me there was an underlining bitterness and negativity that I attributed to his stressful work. I thought that once he retired, he would become more laid back. Mistake no.1 – Thinking that he would change. I know better than to think that I can change anyone but I thought my happiness and positiveness could rub off on him. Circumstances change but people rarely do.
“Even if you cannot change all the people around you, you can change the people you choose to be around. – Roy T. Bennet”
I thought that once he retired and had more time, we would be spending more time together. We spoke and texted every day, but he seemed to be getting too busy or tired to get together. Mistake no.2 – Thinking that I was going to be a priority. If someone doesn’t make you a priority when they are busy, they won’t make you a priority when they have more time either.
“Action expresses priorities.” – Mahatma Gandhi
Bluntly, sex was lackluster! It seemed promising in the beginning. The chemistry was there so I thought that as we spent more time together things would heat up. Mistake no.3 – Staying in a relationship that is so-so when I want/need fireworks. I want scorching hot but was settling for lukewarm. I have been waiting too long for the right person to just settle for uncertainty.
“Sometimes I get real lonely sleeping with you.” – Haruki Murakami, A Qild Sheep Chase
I knew he liked Trump so I avoided talking politics. When talking about politics and also about his work he would get more agitated. He seemed bitter about being a cop for 20 years and dealing with crazy people and situations. He blamed politics/the democrats/Obama for the issues at work, for the increase in crime in NY and the disrespect to police officers. That was Mistake no.4 – Thinking that if I avoided certain things and subjects, they would not be a factor and/or it would go away. Because I avoided talking about it, I didn’t know how much he really loved Trump.
In the future I will not avoid certain subjects and things. I will talk about whatever I want and address disagreements and difference of opinions head on and right away. Knowing how to work through disagreements signals the potential of the relationship.
“The first duty of a man is to think for himself” ― Jose Marti
He seemed like a gentleman, hard-worker, honest, didn’t have much baggage. He looked like the perfect match for me. But as time went on bad sex and Trump love were dark clouds looming over my head.
And then last night happened.
It was the 2 month anniversary of our relationship. During his nightly call after some chit-chat we started talking about the coronavirus. I asked his opinion about Trumps’ oval office address. I knew it would be a touchy subject, but I was tired of walking on eggshells and was interested in knowing his opinion. I somehow was still believing that he was capable of independent thought.
He said he didn’t really watch it. I call bs on that. Of course he saw it. I said that I didn’t think Trump did a good job of reading. I asked him if he knew why was the UK excluded from the travel ban. Why was the UK an exception?
He responded sarcastically: ” May be it is racism, because the Left says everything is about racism”. I was shocked, not as much in what he said, but by his tone of voice and anger. I didn’t really know how to reply to that.
Somehow my question and comment on Trump’s performance unleashed something in him. He alternated between defending Trump and attacking, as he puts it, the Left. I wish he was that passionate in bed.
“Men in rage strike those that wish them best.” ― William Shakespeare, Othello
I wish I could have recorded all he said. It included: “What did Trump do? Did he kill anyone? Because people call him Hitler. That is ridiculous. What about Obama? Obama could kill people and no one would say anything.”
He kept going on and on about the fake media and terrible Obama. He was speaking fast, not giving me a chance to say anything, not that I would know what to say to all that garbage he was spewing.
I wondered why I was being attacked. Finally I was able to get a word in. I wanted him to know that he didn’t need to go on and on because no matter what he said I would not change my mind.
I said: “I respect your opinion but I didn’t like Trump before he was the president and I like him even less now. My opinion is not going to change”.
“Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.” ― Robert Orben
Before I had the chance to numerate the reasons why I don’t like Trump, he cut me off and said: “It is not about the president, it is about the country. What about the country? Do you like the US? Before I had a chance to respond, he added: What really makes me mad is the disrespect to the US specially from the immigrants. If you don’t like here, leave. Go back to where you came from.”
Dead silence from me! I felt I was punched in the gut. I was too shocked to have a reaction. He immediately said: “I don’t mean you”.
Really? What other immigrant did he mean? My face was burning by this point. But I chose not to reply to his stupidity with anger. I chose to separate myself from the situation. I took a deep breath and said: “Listen, I need to take a break. Let’s talk later” and I hung up.
By “later” I meant NEVER And he knew it.
“The truth is, immigrants tend to be more American than people born here.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Choke
I decided that it was best to save my breath and energy. I realized in that moment that this is a person that I would never be able to be with. Some of Trump supporters are incapable of having a civil discussion. They are incapable of allowing for the man to be wrong. So they go on and on defending the indefensible and attacking whoever disagrees.
Making such a comment to me regarding immigrants is hitting below the belt. He intended to offend me. Instead he just made me mad and aware of his ignorance. This “go back to your country” rhetoric that Trump supporters use is just getting tired.
“He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool.” ― Brigham Young
I am thankful that he showed me who he really is. Actually, I am grateful that I finally acknowledged who he is. He has been showing me who he is all along, but I was not seeing. I didn’t want to see it. Mistake no.5 – I was selectively only looking at his good qualities. I was focused on his potential and the ideal that I had in mind. In the future I will look at the whole package instead of only on the positive and what I like.
“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” ― Joe Klaas, Twelve Steps to Happiness
As I have mentioned before I am not against people that voted for Trump. I respect people’s opinion, and just wish that people would respect mine and not try to force Trump down my throat.
Why would men that have a problem with immigrants contact me on dating sites? I specifically put it on my profile that I am one. He is not the first one that has attacked me in such a way.
“Life is a succesion of lessons which must be lived to be understood.”― Helen Keller
I have learned a lot with this relationship. I am so grateful for the lessons. In this relationship I have tried to be patient, keep an open mind and have no expectations. I feel freer and stronger for doing that but have learned that I need to find balance.
- Keep an open mind but will not betray my convictions and beliefs to just keep someone by my side.
- Be patient but will not wait around if the relationship is not going in the right direction or if the person is not who I thought he was.
- Have no expectations but will not accept less than I deserve/want/need
Life is too short, my time is too precious and my energy too positive, to hang around stupidity, mediocrity and negativism.
I dodged a bullet and I know it. I am so grateful for my guardian angels for keeping me in the light, safe and aware.
To my readers that commented that they couldn’t deal with a partner that likes Trump I say: “You were right! It doesn’t work!”. You tried to alert me, but I had to learn the lesson myself. Thank you!
Be safe and healthy out there. Be cautious but not paranoid.
“You’re never perfectly safe. No human being on Earth ever is or ever was. To live is to risk your life, your heart, everything.” ― Rick Yancey, The Last Star